Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?


Here’s a 110 percent true fact: the guy you’re dating has definitely imagined having a threesome with you and the waitress from last night, his hot co-worker, or your best friend.

That’s what John DeVore over at The Frisky says… just before anticipating the feminine response,

Yuck, amiriiiiight?… while you’re squirming over how grossoholic men are, telling yourself “My boyfriend would NEVER want to have a threesome between me and my best friend Megs.”

Over time men have become increasingly enamored of this fantasy, with somewhere between one-third and two-thirds of men now having lusty visions of three-ways. Probably because it’s now a porn staple.

But can a relationship survive a threesome? Some do, but it seems they usually don’t.

A couple of John’s friends gave it a try and neither relationship survived.

A marriage therapist told the Huffington Post that all of her clients who’ve tried it broke up, except one.

A few of my friends have tried it, too. One was disappointed that it didn’t work, meaning not everyone was into it. Another friend doesn’t even want to talk about it. But, another has done threesomes and is still married.

Maybe the failure rate isn’t so surprising given the lopsided interest of men. While up to two-thirds of men want threesomes — almost always with two women, only 10% of women do — and they may well want two men. So women may be more likely to agree to a three-way out of pressure or wanting to please their partners without really being into it.

And whether or not pressure is involved, if a woman is having a three-way with another woman she is likely to be more distracted by worries about the other woman than having an erotic experience. How pretty is this other woman compared to me? How much attention is “she” getting compared to me? What does it mean about how he feels about the relationship? Is he really into me?!!!

Besides that, guys are more easily aroused by body parts, whereas women more often need a deep connection to get into sex. Between the distraction of another person, the worries, and the fact that this is just sex and not connection, it often won’t be so fun for the girl.

But guys don’t always get all that, like this comment on another post:

I’d like to comment on the willingness of female to female sex. Females are traditionally more caring, nurturing and empathetic. Naturally this would carry over in the bedroom, making sure each is highly aroused and satisfied.

Really?!

I guess that’s how it seems in porn.

Mr. DeVore opines:

Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.

Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.

If you want a threesome like those you see in porn you’ll probably have to do what they do in porn: pay a couple of women to act like they’re loving it.

If you’re thinking about a 3-way, you might want to read a post by someone who’s been there/done that, and who has suggestions for what works and doesn’t: Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych, women's psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State University. And I have blogged for Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos.

Posted on January 28, 2013, in men, psychology, relationships, sex, women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 223 Comments.

  1. Good post. I think it all depends on the rules laid out form the beginning. If you enter into a strictly monogamous relationship it may be hard for it to survive a threesome as it directly conflicts with the original ideas and agreements set out in the beginning.

    If however a couple of kinksters get together with the agreement that involving other people, sexually and emotionally, is part of the deal then there’s a much higher chance of engaging in threesomes with another guy or girls, and things remaining cool and fun.

    I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with the act itself, nor do I think it’s necessarily “just about the sex”, people have been doing it with different degrees of success for a long time. Like with anything it’s all about communication, negotiation and honesty. If someone needs to be pressured it’s definitely not a good idea.

    Thanks for sharing :)

    Rohan.

    • Sure. The guy I know whose marriage survived a threesome is into open relationships. But in our culture that can be difficult to do when so many distractions I named distract from the emotional connection that so many women need to enjoy sex.

      Because men and women in our culture (but not every culture) tend to be different from each other in this way, sexually, men can end up getting frustrated when they can’t live out their fantasies. And women can get frustrated when men expect them to do things they don’t want to do. I’m hoping this post will help men and women in the Western world to have better understanding of each other.

      If women and men were socialized similarly we wouldn’t have these big disconnects.

      • Yeah exactly, It’s all about learning how each other work, and how we reach our highest levels of arousal in different ways :)

        There are exceptions of course, but for the most part it does seem to be the case.

        I think if men and women talked to each other more about this kind of thing they’d get to understand each other better, leading to less frustration on both sides :)

        Rohan.

  2. Blessed Son of Man

    Honestly Threesomes are awesome if your single but in a relationship that fun boat has already sailed. Few people are mature enough to just have fun and not let their ego and insecurities rise to the top when dealing with extra people inside the relationship.

    • I don’t think it’s about maturity. Seems more mature to be into love and connection than into body parts/seeing your partner as a sex object/sex stimulus thing, which is how threesomes typically work. And if women can only get into sex if there’s emotional connection (as is true for many women, if not most) maturity has nothing to do with it.

      • Blessed Son of man

        Men as a whole intertwine love/physical. Everything has a physical portion to men. Love, hate pride everything. There is a reason we like ribbons, ranks, stanley cups etc over just being told we are the best. Our minds are geared to more. Sadly most of it is in pursuit of females.

        Watch a guy who is in love talk about there loved ones to others they will mention physical traits and accomplishments over anything else. (Look at the muscles on my Son. He is the top pitcher.) (Look at my wife, Just a beautiful as X) (I earn these rewards for doing X)

        Women will understand that but will they care? No. Regardless if your married you should stick to the women you have and never ask for a threesome because just asking will destroy your relationship, Don’t mention it is an interest or that you’ve even do it. For a successful relationship you have to repress everything masculine unless its something beneficial for your wife.

        Short Version : Do it if your single because you wife will never accept it under any normal condition and if she does she will use it against you till the day you die.

      • But it’s not exactly repression because it’s a new fixation that men have learned from watching porn. Which is great for porn ($$$). Create a desire that women don’t enjoy to keep men coming back to the only place where they can get that fantasy.

  3. Your summary at the end said it all. It’s so right on. If you want this, “pay two women to act”. Thanks for another well thought post.

  4. I don’t think a relationship would last after a threesome because it will just cause mistrust and bring something back. For example, the girlfriend allows a threesome but later on wants to have sex with another man because she let this happen before and its only fair she might want to experience another man then.. it can just build mistrust in the long run. Also society has created different beliefs between women and men. It would cause the man to have popularity because he had two women at once yet, if a girl has two men at once or even a women and a men at once they say she is a slut or even that she is bisexual and some people take that the wrong way and judge.

  5. After reading this post, I can’t help but think about my experience with having a threesome. When I was younger, I was all into it. My Boyfriend always requested that we had one. When I finally decided to do it, I looked at complete strangers or just people I knew but weren’t friends with. When we finally got to his house, he was so excited that two women were in his bedroom. In the end, it did not end well for him because he just couldn’t perform when both of us went to him. We ended up breaking up because he thought I was a lesbian or bi for liking it too much.

    After that situation, I no longer care for threesomes. Especially in my current relationship. If I was single or in an open relationship, I might consider it again. For my own person opinion, you have to both respect each other, and have an understanding that this is what both people want. A couple must know their limits and perhaps even have some rules to how they want to go about in a threesome.

    I can only speak from my own person opinion on this. There is no right or wrong answer. A lot of men might like the idea of having a threesome but then again they only see it in porn. They idolize that woman in porn, when in reality most woman are not like that.

    • Thank you for your words and posting your own experience… was really helpful :) I’m not in the same situation, but I liked the way you talk about it. The guy was the only one with the childish behaviour!
      I guess sometimes there are some fantasies that should remain in fantasy because ( i speak for myself) some people are too sensitive to survive emocionally at these kind of experiences. I think I will never ask for it because of this… I know I will depress or even worse: break up.

    • I totally appreciate your perspective. I am a woman who is bisexual and I think I mentioned my 3some did not go well. I would love to be the single woman in that escapade… But I’m not! And I might even be too nervous about offending either one of a couple, or accidentally breaking their rules, unless it was way obvious that they really didn’t have ANY issues! I am a naturally monogamous lover. I say I “really want” but that’s because I’ve fantasized about it since I was 10. Even the fantasy doesn’t occur to me on the same frequency as it does when I’m single. I really think my s.o. is the same way, but he would like to think since we have the same fantasy we can share it. Rarely do you see either of us checking another out. We have the love/hate thing between us too… I KNOW that what sounds great today often goes horribly wrong tomorrow- just because we can be totally unified one minute & polar opposites the next. We’re still learning how to navigate. I just don’t feel like it would be safe to leave the harbor yet… Stick with the dirty talk during sex and rolling out the porn together til the “hate” mellows into at least a sturdy tolerance lol

      • Also I feel like I need to say that paying a hot escort to play it out sounded great to me, but as a guy who’s never “had to pay for sex” – even any of his Other threesomes- his ego was bruised. It just seems like if we don’t want to have all the feelings involved, and someone to play by the rules, that would be the way to go. Any thoughts on that?

  6. Personally in my eyes, i don’t believe in sharing my boyfriend. I don’t think that its okay for a good relationship to work out with another person on the side. Threesome in a relationship is very hard im sure. Sometimes one person has more feelings for someone else, and all those feelings build up and somehow it can ruin a good relationship between all of them. There really isnt a right or wrong answer to this question, it’s really upon the people who believe that this type of realtionship can work.

  7. Melinda Jeffries

    I doubt that I could ever share my husband with another women, nor would he feel comfortable sharing me with another man. It may work for someone that does not have that emotional attachment or love for the one person. I have known a few married couples that have tried a threesomes and in both cases their marriages failed. They found it hard to seperate the emotional outcome from the sexual encounter.
    If my husband mentioned us having a threesome I would have to question his love for me, as I love my husband enough not to want to share him sexually with anyone else. It’s one thing to see a threesome (fantasize) than to be a participant where there could be alot of emotions going on with in the encounter.

  8. Yeah, the last sentence really resonates with me when it comes to how i feel about threesomes. I don’t think it’s something that should be taken lightly because there can be enough issues between the two in the relationship when it comes to the bedroom. If a woman isn’t enjoying the sex as much as her male partner, I don’t see how adding another women will make it any better for the relationship. If anything, it would make it worse because, like you’ve said, she might be too caught up in worrying about this other woman and how her boyfriend/husband/whatever might feel about the whole thing. I think for a threesome to work, both parties would have to express interest in it. If a woman is agreeing to it just to please her partner, it doesn’t sound like it would be a good experience. If both are open, however, I think it would only enhance their relationship with one another if this is something that they’re both into. Personally, I don’t think I could ever have one if I was in a relationship, but if the couple are both interested in it and can equally enjoy the experience, more power to them!

  9. I believe that most men who want to have threesomes do it just because they might think that “it is the thing to do”. Men want to feel powerfull and on top by saying o yeah ive had a threesome or a couple of them. I also do not think that you can have a healthy relationship with both persons being happy, I believe that most women enjoy the fact of knowing that there is only one person they want to be with and that their partner does too instead of thinking of who else they can get a threesome with. Personally I would not like to share my boyfriend specially not to a “friend”, because a “friend” that does that or wants to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend to me thats NOT a friend maybe they are just being your “friendship” for a reason.

  10. the thought of a three some at one point of course on all guy minds, from the day i remember for some reason..why?! i dont know, but was always taught to be a thing to “brag” about., i would always ask why would that be something to be proud of. I believe all of this goes more towards LOW self discilne and immediate satisfaction. thats what we are taught why question it??
    Now regarding to wether the relationship would work or not after the threesome, i think not were is the confortability in that and not mentioning the trust issue after that.

  11. I agree that men do have these dreams of having threesomes with two girls it is also becoming more accepted within media many reality shows you see this happening such as jersey show on MTV the guys are always so excited and proud when they are able to get two girls in bed. Making it seem like an amazing moment and making teen boys want the same thing. As for a relationship I can see why it wouldn’t work girls get very self conscious of themselves and jealous if a wife felt like the other lady was getting more attention the wife wouldn’t be happy specially if she only agreed to it to satisfy her husband. I guess for some couples it works because it brings a twist to their sex life but what are the effects on their sex life after that? What happens if it turns boring do they constantly need to keep going back to the threesomes?

  12. I definitely do not think that a relationship can last with a threesome because some might say that you are opening another door a door in which your mate can soon take a liking to as if you brought another female in the room and maybe you thought she was prettier than you or smarter than you. Maybe your insecure and this will be brought up as an issue. For some relationships a threesome would be awesome but if would have to be something you truly want or need to have in your relationship. I myself would probably give it a try but its something my partner hasn’t asked from me and i have yet to ask of it from him.

  13. I agree that if you have a three some the woman will be more worried about how attractive the other girl is and if her guy likes her more and afterwards will be thinking about the stranger than her. I think it can mess up a relationship because then all a girl will wonder is if he is thinking about someone else. I know i’d like two guys as a three some but i’ve tried fantasizing and i can’t help thinking about my boyfriend more and worried that he’ll think i like the other guy more and it just never works out because of my need to make sure he’s satisfied and feeling like i’m cheating on him when i doubt a threesome with another girl he’ll feel the same way. A guy will enjoy it and then won’t get enough of it and want it again and if his partner doesn’t want to then what’s to stop him from cheating on her? Like mentioned before it is like a buffet and boys have the deadly sin, gluttony while girls have vanity and will be jealous of the third person.

  14. Cheuk Ray CHUNG

    It is a very inspiring post since I had no idea that almost all of the men want to have a threesome when they are in a relationship. As a female, I see sex as one of the expressions of how much I love my lover. Since we should be loyal to each other when we are in a relationship, we should only have one lover, and so as having sex. I think it is one of the important things in a relationship because it shows our respect to our lover. On the other hand, I agree that women do not feel secure when having a threesome, because we may doubt the loyalty of our lover and may not feel confident when compare to the other woman. Also, it may feels like a betrayal because we see how our boyfriend enjoys having sex with other woman on the same bed. Therefore, as I mentioned, having sex with our lover is one kind of the expression of our love, a relationship cannot survive a threesome.

  15. Stephanie Orellana

    This seems logical. Since we have been raised in a world where woman are suppose to be sexy and more of objects to desire rather than men. We can’t really blame a man whom the world has taught that these ideas are acceptable. And although I find it hard to believe all men in relationships think this way I’m sure they have at least pondered the possibility. Threesomes to me don’t make sense. I feel the article was 1000% correct to the reasons of why a woman would agree to do so. The thought of another womans body in general subconsciously leads me to comparison although I’m not necessarily bothered by it I can under why some people would be. If we lived in a world where all woman had tons of self confidence and loved their bodies I think that would have a huge difference. Even though I have yet to come across a woman in a long term relationship willing to share her mate. Also the thought of why one woman wouldn’t be good and your loved one would consider two is just kind of sad all together. But maybe In a world where we treasure individual people rather than skinny models or actresses will one day change. Threesomes to me are silly and the article clearly states that relationships do not survive it. Therefore why risk the person you love for an unsuccessful night, nothing is as it seems in pornos. Woman should be respected and not pressured to do these things that wouldn’t even sexually satisfy them.

  16. Alexandra Holmes

    I was interested to learn that all but one of the marriage therapists patients broke up after engaging in a threesome. However, the fact that theses relationships have a low success rate after partaking in a threesome does not surprise me. My opinion is that I do believe a threesome could work if both participants have the same expectations and feelings towards threesomes. I completely agree with the fact that since men tend to be more interested in threesomes and women may be engaging in them to either please their partner or because of pressure from their partner that this could cause relationship failure. Men tend to view sex as a fun and pleasurable experience, whereas women are looking for an emotional connection. Since women and men have different sexual needs, I can see this being another contributing factor to marriage and relationship failure. Although I do believe that in certain situations a relationship can survive after a threesome, I find that it is more common for relationships to fail if both the man and the woman do not have the same feelings towards having a threesome.

  17. I personally think it would be difficult to divide your attention and support like that. Plus, I agree that there will definitely be some sort of internal competition. Such competition might include who is sexier, who gets more attention, or even who is allowed control. Plus I believe it would be difficult if your already in a relationship with one of the members and then you have to divide you attention. It might ultimately be fun as just an experiment, otherwise it would take great dedication to maintain.

  18. Can relationships survive threesomes
    Absolutley not!!! I think that a relationship is only for 2 people and 2people only,why bring another person into somehting that is suppossed to be special between two people. One will always have to be wondering why am i not good enough? Is he not attracted to me anymore? Thsi willl breing a thusand questions into mind and will definatley cause problems in a relationship and it will for sure end. Now if your single thats a totally different story ,both men and women want to have fun and do threesomes when single thats completely fine at least this way no one gets hurt they know what they are getting into and its merey just for fun,nothing serious.

  19. All of this is a massive overgeneralization.

    • Massive overgeneralization how? Which of the following? Or something else?

      All but one relationship broke up among a therapist’s clients

      More often than not threesomes haven’t worked among my friends or the friends of others

      Surveys show that about 3/4 of men, but only about 10% of women want threesomes

      If only 10% of women are interested how likely is it that 75% of men are going to have a pleasurable threesome?

      They aren’t. And I’d like them to stop feeling bad about not getting something that hardly any men are getting. I’d also like them to know why instead of pressuring partners who, if they aren’t into it, are likely to be distracted in the ways I described. I’d also like disinterested women to know that they aren’t alone and shouldn’t feel pressured by men to do something they find distasteful.

      Because of the way males and females are socialized so differently you get average differences which, as here, can be large. Doesn’t mean those differences are innate, or as I said, fit everyone. But if you don’t like the social pattern, don’t shoot the messenger.

  20. It’s interesting to read that only about 10% of women actually want threesomes and it’s no surprise why. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and sharing my boyfriend with a stranger yet alone someone I know. Jealousy would play a big reason. If I’m committed in a relationship then I expect him to only have the desire to want me. Yet for others it can be very possible to keep the relationship in spark after a threesome. Just as long as both partners completely agree, discussed and understand the situation they are getting in to. As far as being single I think it would still be just plain uncomfortable for a lot of women unless she had some sort of connection with the two others in my opinion. Overall if a threesome where to happen it should happen naturally and not over thought. If you’re in a relationship and going back and forth whether a threesome should go down then just let it go and instead enjoy the company of each other.

  21. I think its a dream for most man to have a threesome relationship at least once in a life time and they prefer to have two women involved. But, according to the article, I too, think that a relationship with two women involved won’t survive because women would constantly be worried about the other women that if she’s better, or he likes her better and etc. And I agree that pornography makes this fact look easy and real, however, in real life it’s just not that easy. I talked to a couple guys about this and they seemed really into but they had their pros and cons: pros: it’s like a dream and every guy wants to experience that pleasure. Cons: they want to stay pure; somehow they can’t leave with the bad feelings they would have after all.

  22. This discussion is one that I am beginning to see more of. Whereas in the past a threesome may have been a closeted desire or considered less since internet porn was not around to arouse all sort of new thoughts, it comes down to the decision to act upon the desires. While there are some humans who prefer more than one partner at a time and have no issues with the emotional aspects they are not the majority. As a woman I know I very well may be bogged down with the jealousy and insecurities of having a threesome with my boyfriend and another woman, but does that mean that I am insecure or really I just don’t have the strong relationship with my boyfriend like I thought? If humans were in strong, open and secure relationships would it really be jealously the bogs the experimenting down? Throughout history, especially in Greek and European history, it was extremely common to have multiple partners at a time. I always wonder if this how are are supposed to act as humans and we simply develop our sexual desires based on what our culture tells us to desire.

  23. Natthinee Sutjaitham

    This is good post! I love how the author compared having sex with the buffet. For the moment everyone is happy.There will be heartbreak in future. Sooner or later a man will want to devote himself to one girl or one of the girls will desire this. That is normal. One girl will be constantly being picked over the other or one person will be being incredibly jealous. Never have a threesome with two girls and a guy! There will always be one girl who feels left out and/or jealous, and it’s awkward afterward when that happens. I’ve personally never had a threesome, as it’s really not something I care to try.

  24. This is all very true as my fella wants to do it with his ex who he still loves he always says to me he loves me more but he still very happy that I agree to do it with his ex as his ex wants him back but im affraid to tell him the truth that I dont want it ruining out relationship up as I no I get jealous x

    • Maybe you should share this blog post with him so that he will know that it’s very common for threesomes to ruin people’s relationships. So does he care more about the threesome or about the relationship? It’s unlikely that anyone else will agree, either.

      • Very true ! there’s no way in hell a relationship will last with a threesome…i mean for heaven’s sake you fall in love with one person ! jeez get it straight !

  25. I totally agree!!! and i do not think three somes could work, atleast with my own relationship i would never let it pass me! it would make me sick to let my own man look at another women and get pleasure from my man. i know people who have also tried it and it didnt work out as well. Whats the point of being married if your just going to share “yours” with others. When you get married your supposed to be committed to each other. Now if some people do enjoy things like this then thats their business, but like you said most times it doesn’t work! i know if i tried it i would constantly be thinking is she better then me? does my husband/boyfriend enjoy her more than he does me? it would eat me up to death! i give kudos to the couples who have made it, but to me it even sounds impossible!

    I could really see this happening more with younger people than with the older ones. typically around 17-late 20’s. i cant even imagine couples any older trying to make such a thing like this work. Im curious to know what is the average age that have tried and havent made it?

    • I haven’t heard anything about the ages of when it works and when it doesn’t. I would assume that it would be easier if people weren’t in a relationship at all so that you don’t have to have all the worries. Just people who are into sex and who like to experiment.

      Among my friends who have tried it it wasn’t the age that made the difference so much is the fact that the person whose marriage is still intact has an open marriage. That said, he said it was very difficult to get the open marriage thing started as his wife was very resistant. Given the level of her resistance I don’t know whether other marriages would make it through.

      I also don’t know if they already had children when he brought it (open marriage) up and she was worried about divorcing with children.

      But one commenter who is into open marriage was pissed off at my post. Sometimes they work if both members of the couple are equally into it, but that’s hard to do. Here’s a post on that topic:

      Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/07/11/why-hasn%e2%80%99t-open-marriage-caught-on/

  26. This is a very interesting post; I totally agree with the article, I don’t think doing a threesome in a relationship is ever a good idea. Being in a relationship means we are supposed to be commited to our partner, and that our partner should be our enough for us. I think that if a couple is interested in a threesome, it means that one or both of them are not satisfied with their realtionship and they want to do something to spark the realtionship again.

    Having a threesome will usually cause jealousy and insecurity, which I think will lead to a loss in trust for your partner. I also think that when a couple is constantly having a threesome with a woman or a man, i think that there is a high chance that the man or the woman will be more likely to cheat because they might think that the person in the threesome gives them more sexual pleasure than their partner themselves and they might think that they will be better off with the third person.

  27. In my opinion, having a three some is for people that are in open relationships. I feel that way because of what i read saying that if its two females and one male, the girls will have insecurities on who is getting more attention, who is hotter or who looks better naked. I think that doing a threesome when your in a relationship is a bad idea because one of the persons in the relationship will feel like they are not pleasing the other person, so therefore they have to get someone else involved in the sexual activity. and a relationship is only for two people to please and love each other as a couple. Which means 2 and no more.

  28. maybe a threesome would be good for an older couple who maybe want to spice up their relationship… maybe! i personally wouldn’t have one with my boyfriend or husband because i believe that it will create chaos in a relationship.

  29. wow. interesting. I had asked my boyfriend recently about him wanting a threesome and he said that he wouldn’t want it because he would find it awkward to have the two girls there and not knowing what to do with them,, I think he was lying though like it says in the article men are more physically involved so as soon as he saw two women in front of him he would know exactly what to do with them. As for me having a threesome is not something I would ever try because I would just be worries about what I would be doing while the other girl is being touched or having the guys attention on her. The same questions would come to my head like “How pretty is this other woman compared to me? How much attention is “she” getting compared to me? What does it mean about how he feels about the relationship?” I would want the attention for myself and that special connection that is between a girl and a guy.

  30. I’m not a man so would not really say how it feels like for them but I’m worried about women being exposed to Sexually Transmitted Diseases. I’m imagining a situation where the man has a condom and the two women are not protected. he will be transferring diseases from one woman to another.

    i’m especially scared for places where HIV and AIDs rates can not be ignored.

  31. This is a very interesting topic. I would never agree to a threesome because I know that I would question my husband and his love for me. If he ever asked me to have a threesome I would assume that he is no longer interested in me and is really interested in other women. I know that his asking for a threesome would be a huge blow to my ego and self-confidence. I am willing to carry out other fantasies of his as long as he is willing to do the same for me, but bringing in another person into our sex life would be a deal breaker to me. I am not the forgive and forget type of person and he knows that. That is probably the reason we he has never even mentioned the idea or desire of having a threesome.

  32. Julina Pohyar

    Let me begin by saying I absolutely love this article! I personally have seen first hand a threesome relationship end horribly. Of course, there were set boundaries but it all seems to get loose and tricky as the relationship went on. Regardless if everyone mutually agreed to partake in such a relationship, it never seems to work. If two brains of lust and chemistry was not enough trouble, added three is a whole other mess. I feel the hardest part is keeping everyone involved stable. Think about all the bickering back and forth couples do and then imagine after a threesome. It changes the relationship dynamic forever. Your significant other will never be able to feel at ease after this. There would be constant mistrust and not to point finger but most woman are insecure. There will always be that pedestal between her and the other woman to compare with. I do not think it is a good idea and for the relationships that have last, they must be the rarest case.

  33. Fernando Kose

    I really like this article. For me, it all depends on the commitment before a couple starts the relationship. In order to survive a threesome relationship, the two people in the relationship need to understand and have the same perspective towards threesome. If they do have the same vision for threesome, than sure they can survive it.

  34. In my opinion, it all depends on the couple and their feelings and thoughts about how they feel on sharing each other with someone else. If both parties are down for the cause, the relationship should work out just fine afterwards. I personally, am all for a three-some. As long as I can pick who its with. That’s the rule my girlfriend and I have. I’m willing to have a three-some with someone I trust and believe are only in it for the sex. If worse comes to shove, it’s because no one was truly honest and/or clear about how they really felt on it. Communication is the key, and in no matter what situation. If you’re not completely honest, having a three-some can end up in a painful heartbreak.

    • Yes, it always depends.

    • You are full of it if you believe this system is full proof just because you get to pick the person. What happens if the person you pick is not “only in it for the sex.”? no matter how controlled you try to make the situation in the beginning, it will ALWAYS spiral out of control in the end.

  35. They say sharing is caring, yet there’s things you don’t share. I personally, wouldn’t share my boyfriend. I find the thought of a threesome disrespectful to me. I wouldn’t like my boyfriend having sex with someone else while I quietly watch him and her. I feel like if I would ever have a threesome our relationship wouldn’t work out, just because it opens a door to other women. In addition, it puts his pleasure before mine and I wouldn’t allow this to happen. I would also be insecure and compare myself to the other girl and I just wouldn’t enjoy it.

    • That isn’t a threesome though! That is one of the biggest misconceptions of threesomes. It isn’t one partner actively having sex with another person while the other watches. It’s all THREE parties partaking in the sexual activities together. If your boyfriend only wants a threesome so he can have sex with another woman while you watch then he isn’t much of a boyfriend at all.

  36. I don’t think relationships will survive a threesome at all. If you really love your partner, you wouldn’t just let another woman come in and have sex with your man or let another man have sex with your girlfriend. It just doesn’t feel right. They call it a couple for a reason, 2 people only. Some people like to be spontaneous and try threesomes but after that, I feel like things would change. If you want to experience with other men or women, be single, not in a relationship! If one of the two enjoys the threesome and the other doesn’t it could be a problem too. Jealousy can also occur.

  37. It really depends on the couple. I’m not surprised to hear that relationships don’t last too long because I think when it comes to a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, sharing at first sounds fun but you don’t think of the after effects. I had a friend who did this and her boyfriend broke up with her because while they both enjoyed it an had fun, he thought that she was either to into the act or was insecure about how good he was at satisfying her. I think the only way a threesome is successful is when none of the parties have a strong emotional connection with each other.

  38. I’m seeing a common theme here in the comments that if someone wants to have sex with a person other than their partner they must not love them. Isn’t it common knowledge that we all want variety? The pharmaceutical industry is trying to synthesize a drug that increases a woman’s desire but failing because the complexity of it is making it hard to target any one aspect. Scientists have found that the problem lies not in the level of desire in general but rather in the partner she’s been with for several years. It gets old. New science is finding that woman are just as animalistic about sex as men, if not more. We have been hiding room that fact for so long because our values left over from the puritans make it disturbing to most of us. I am very comfortable in my sexuality and understand that both myself and my boyfriend need variety after 5 years of sleeping together. We have a great relationship and I’m perfectly fine with the idea of him having sex with another woman with me present or not. He’s more traditional and not cool with the idea so far. I’m not pushing it too much, but I’ll be happy to hear he’s ready if he ever decides. I gave him the option of an open relationship and threesomes. I’m not worried about him being more interested in the other woman even though I don’t feel like I’m super hot or anything. We have an awesome connection and he knows he won’t find another chick as chill as I am. Besides, if he were to leave me for someone he is more interested in who am I to try and prevent that by being possessive? A threesome and sharing can make a relationship last simply because the person is getting that variety that they desire while still having the loving connection at home. Be warned though, this is not for the narrow minded! You must think beyond the cultural and social boundaries arbitrarily placed on your relationship. Ask yourself why you think monogamy is important and truly look deep. You might be surprised to find that it doesn’t make sense if your not religious for instance. Do some research on monogamy. That’s what swayed me. I read all about the biochemical and emotional aspects of sex and monogamy and found that it’s forced. Look at the divorce rate and serial monogamy. Not many people are truly monogamists.
    I just wanted to bring in a different side to the story. I wish people would question their values more often, as opposed to blindly following cultural norms.
    If it helps to understand my perspective my boyfriend and I are 31 and 27 respectively and we have been together for over 5 years and have a 3 year old. I see no signs of our relationship ending and we have an amazing sex life. Because of the comfort I feel in our relationship I am perfectly fine with bringing other people into it for some sexual pleasure. No emotional stuff though. That takes up too much time. He has yet to agree to any of it though–including bringing in another woman.

    • Actually, not everyone does know that we want variety. And not everyone feels like they want variety. Your boyfriend apparently being one.

      Especially early in a relationship. We live in a culture that has a notion of “soulmate,” a perfect one and only. Most of us are socialized into this view. I have been successfully socialized into this view. That’s what I want in my deepest heart of hearts. I have a hard time finding the thought of having sex with a bunch of random men the least bit appealing.

      What I think is narrowminded is thinking that everyone has to be the way that we are, ourselves. So if I think that everyone should be like me – wanting a one and only soulmate – then that would be narrowminded. If you feel like everyone should be like you, then that is narrowminded.

      A friend of mine is in a polyamorous relationship. I like him a great deal and I respect that that is his preference. He believes that the only reason I don’t want to have sex with him is because I just haven’t expanded my views of things. But I just don’t experience the thought of random sex with him or a bunch of men even a tiny bit appealing. I think it’s narrowminded of him that he cannot take my perspective on how I feel about this even if I am able to take his perspective on how he feels and I respect his desire.

      I have even asked another one of my friends who is in a polyamorous relationship to write a blog post on his experience (he’s a writer), and he has agreed to but he hasn’t gotten anything to me yet.

      I certainly think that my desire for monogamy is likely because of my socialization. But it is truly felt even if it is due to socialization.

      Because of the differences in male and female socialization, men are much more likely to want a threesome than women are. I don’t want women who are sincerely uninterested — or even repelled — by the thought of a threesome to feel pressured into being in one. And I would like men to understand why, most typically, they are unlikely to experience the type of threesome that they see in porn. I don’t want them feeling like they, alone, are being left out while everyone else is having tons of fun.

      The comments from the people you are critiquing may well (and likely do) come from the same place that I come from. They feel it sincerely. It’s not a question of values so much as how their heart feels.

      I’m also aware of the drug that the pharmaceutical industry is trying to develop, and have written about it on my blog. I’ll be writing more, btw.

      A threesome or polyamorous relationship may work fine for some people. Others value a close relationship and security over variety. See some of my posts below. I have included a piece from the New York Times that you may not have read yet, too.

      I’ll Have What She’s Having
      By ELAINE BLAIR
      Daniel Bergner argues that bias has obscured the existence, strength and significance of female sex drive.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/books/review/what-do-women-want-by-daniel-bergner.html?emc=tnt&tntemail0=y&_r=0

      More on my posts:

      Are Women Naturally Monogamous?

      http://broadblogs.com/2010/12/20/are-women-naturally-monogamous-2/

      Are Men Really More Polygamous?

      http://broadblogs.com/2013/06/03/are-men-really-more-polygamous/

      Why We Lie About Sex Partner #’s

      http://broadblogs.com/2013/06/05/why-we-lie-about-sex-partner-s/

      Are Women Culturally Monogamous?

      http://broadblogs.com/2010/12/22/are-women-culturally-monogamous-2/

      Sex: From Casual Pleasures to Deep Connection. Readers Discuss

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/04/01/sex-many-partners-or-deep-connection-readers-discuss/

      Female Viagra May Work Too Well?

      http://broadblogs.com/2013/06/10/female-viagra-may-work-too-well/

      Men Have Higher Sex Drive. Why?

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/01/31/men-have-higher-sex-drive-why/

      Sexual Desire & Sexism

      http://broadblogs.com/2012/05/07/sexual-desire-sexism/

      Sex Lessons from Mom and Dad

      http://broadblogs.com/2010/10/04/sex-lessons-from-mom-and-dad/

      Sex and the Walk of Shame

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/07/06/sex-and-the-walk-of-shame/

      “Cock” vs “Down There”

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/03/28/%E2%80%9Ccock%E2%80%9D-vs-%E2%80%9Cdown-there%E2%80%9D/

      Sex: Who Gets Screwed?

      http://broadblogs.com/2010/11/11/sex-who-gets-screwed/

      Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/07/11/why-hasn%e2%80%99t-open-marriage-caught-on/

      Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/07/20/women-want-emotionally-connected-sex-why/

      Women Want Casual Sex? Yes and No

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/03/23/women-want-casual-sex-yes-and-no/

      Lose Virginity, Lose Self-Esteem?

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/04/20/lose-virginity-lose-self-esteem/

      Surprises in Indiana University Sex Survey

      http://broadblogs.com/2010/10/06/surprises-in-indiana-university-sex-survey/

      Women: Climax Less Likely in Relationship Sex


      http://broadblogs.com/2010/12/13/women-climax-less-likely-in-relationship-sex/

      Men: Climax More Likely in Relationship Sex

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/01/04/men-climax-more-likely-in-relationship-sex/

      • Thank you for you reply. It has given me a better understanding of why people would feel the way they do about this topic. I plan to read more of your blog posts to get a new perspective. And you are right about my own narrow-mindedness. I can sometimes fall into thinking that I’m not just because I don’t tend to follow, but obviously I’m wrong about that. Thank you for making me aware.

      • Thank you for your perspective.

    • So once upon a time, a guy was chasing my tail and made overtures so grand I fell in love. Because I was in love, suddenly the sex I previously was not even interested in became mind-blowing ly awesome. I was the BEST he’d ever had he said… Of course it got even better. Having fantasized about 3somes myself, and being bi, I was open to the idea AT FIRST. I was confident. But when it actually happened… He was treating HER like the goddess. Then, all the stuff we agreed was part of OUR fantasy wasn’t doing it for him. He was fixated on getting it on with her- to the exclusion of myself. After it was over, he called her while I was at work… Supposedly to set up another tryst. That did it right there. The seeds of mistrust were planted, then sown. It took me 6 years to confess about even fantasizing about another girl in the room with US. If i fantasized about a 3some, they were random people. Any other guy and a girl- fine. But the fantasy was SO ruined. Now he wants another… So do I… But I’m just not sure WE can handle it. He claims now that his “other relationships” were fine… But all those girls cheated on him in the end. I think I know why… They were just beating him to the emotional punch. I’m laying some groundwork for some rules & communication this time. He won’t entertain another man even watching me. So you would think he understands how I feel, instead of citing “immature jealousy and prudishness” on my part. It’s a big bad emotional ride… And I’m not ever going to hand another woman my confidence or trust. Or him either for that matter. If they don’t DESERVE it. That is something that’s earned now.

      • Thanks for sharing your story.

        Yes, there are a lot of dangers potentially. Sometimes I think it likely works best with people you don’t know or care about. If you can get into that sort of thing and if you aren’t worried about diseases.

        Interesting how he calls you jealous and prude when he’s not willing to do exactly what he’s asking you to do.

      • It sounds like you have a relationship totally built around sex- and not emotional happiness or trust. That can only last for so long. If he paid more attention to the other girl and blew off your fantasies- then I would gather he’s probably just using you for the BEST sex he’s ever had until he can find a relationship that fulfills him emotionally as well as sexually. If he was in love with you, I would imagine he would make the threesome or your desires all about you and him, but he didn’t and probably never will. I would bet he would make the next threesome all about the new girl- just like the last time. You have no idea what he has planned ahead of time with the other girl. Time to move on. Life is too short! You say you’re bi, so maybe you can find a more fulfilling relationship with a woman next time around. Why waste time if there is no trust- as you said- it has been sewn. Move on, girl. You’re better than being used and played. I would imagine he uses you for more than just sex.Think more of yourself and you will find the right person for you. Good luck!

      • Thanks for both of your input! There are days when I could agree with you, Anon… if we dindnt have a 5year old daughter together, we may’ve bn doneago. In all honesty, there was more than JUST sex in the picture… we were both looking for Something when we found each other, and only some of the pieces fit… I love him dearly but I also cannot wrap my head around his manner of thinking sometimes. Indelible rascality is a term that comes to mind.. I love it about him, and when he isn’t feeling subconsciously guilty about it. he’ a paragon of F~U~N! I appreciate it in myself as well but it took a long time for me to recognize it never mind acknowledge it… and he forgot all about that side of me once we fell in love and I took on the Full Time Caregiver roll (ike I tend to do) notrocking the boat isnt exactly conducive to ‘rascality’either … I need to fully be able to connect to that carefree mischevious person in order to access the “beyond magnanimous” 3some

    • “No emotional Stuff though” you have no idea to control whether emotional stuff would come into play. That’s why it’s best to not play at all. It amazes me just how much women go on about how confident they are and how okay they are about their man being with women, but lo’ and behold you say no emotional stuff? Nah, you aren’t cool with it at all, because emotions always finds a way in. Even with the most lax of couples.

  39. Here’s a great read related to what I just said. I love people who turn conventional wisdom on its head and leave us asking new questions. This is what science is all about!

    http://www.salon.com/2013/06/02/the_truth_about_female_desire_its_base_animalistic_and_ravenous/

  40. I also want to add that after browsing your blog a bit you clearly know what I’m talking about. The comments were more what made me want to reply. Hopefully it opens some peoples’ minds to think a little outside the box:)

  41. Well, what about the women who want a threesome with their boyfriend and their boyfriend’s (male)best friend? How would the relationship fair there? I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like and have admitted to my partner of a dream I had where it actually happened. Since I’ve told him about the dream I’ve had daydreams of him and his best friend ever since but I am worried about what it would do to our relationship if it were to ever happen. His best friend is a really great guy so I am sure there would be no drama afterwards but still, I worry. I also worry on how this would effect my boyfriend and his view of me. I am by no means promiscuous (my boyfriend is the only guy I’ve slept with, I lost my virginity to him and him to me) and I do not want a relationship or anything with his best friend, it’s just this idea of them and me is so erotic to me and I can’t shake the dream. What do I do?

    • Suggesting a threesome is always a risk to a relationship (unless your partner has already indicated interest). And guys who want threesomes typically want two women + him, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he weren’t interested. And the friend angle might even make it creepier for him. If he weren’t creeped out by “doing it” with his friend he might be creeped out by inviting his friend. Then it becomes a risk to his relationship with his friend, who might never want to see him again. Even bringing it up might make him uncomfortable seeing you and his friend together in the future, even if you two never go beyond this initial question. Plus, guys are more homophobic and less likely than women to have bisexual tendencies, or be in touch with them, anyway.

      So you really need to weigh the risk of asking him.

      If you are really, insanely interested, maybe if you watch porn together or know of any movies that have threesomes in it, maybe you could watch one and see how he reacts to it. Or maybe tell him that you read some research about how about three quarters of guys have fantasies about threesomes with two women and a man and tell him you’re wondering how he feels about that (if you mention two women maybe he will feel less threatened, though he may worry you’re bi or lesbian). If he is interested in doing a threesome with him and two women, you could volunteer to take turns: 2 guys 1 girl; 2 girls 1 guy.

      • My boyfriend has told me he does not want a threesome with another girl. He and his best friend are insanely close and he has no fears of homosexuality. Before I had really known the two I initially thought they had had something going on, that’s how close they are. I know the homosexuality thing wouldn’t be a problem or any awkwardness between him and his friend.

        The movie/porn suggestion is a really good idea, I will mention it and see how it goes. Thanks!

  42. Jenna Francisco

    I think porn is such a big influence on men that it’s gross. It’s even bad towards them because although they feel pleasure they can also feel insecure about how large these video men are. For sure I would not want to have a threesome if I plan to stay with a boyfriend long term because I’m visual and the thought and image of another girl or guy in the room will cause distraction and make me feel like I cheated or he cheated on me. Insecurity would be a big factor that I probably wouldn’t even be aroused. Like what if my partner is more into this extra person or what if her figure is better? Save the threesome for college experiments, not for falling in love.

    • But at least porn reveals the minds :) Like this, you can choose a person that besides everything what he/she has seen and desired once, He/she CHOOSES to live in a certain way from his/her own free will! Love, marriage, celibate…whatever

    • There are people who feel excited with the “jealous” feeling… :)
      Personally, I want to keep that tiny desire in fantasy only. I know that if I ask for it and do it, I will depress or even break up… You’re right “save it for college experiments, not falling in love”. That’s how I think, and It’s not a “convencional way to think”… it’s a safe way :) To do that, it’s necessary to have an open mind and heart (and that’s very rare xD)… Most of the people don’t have the emocional stability to get into it… I couldn’t stand it.

      • I’m not aware of this, but if they do enjoy it, fine.

        I’m just saying that when 3/4 of men would like 3-somes, but only 10% of women do, most men aren’t likely to have what they see in porn.

        I don’t want women feeling pressured to do something they find hurtful. And I don’t want men feeling like they’re the only one’s being left out of all the fun. Few men are having threesomes like in porn.

  43. I don’t think threesomes would work for most people. It might work in a short-term relationship if they find it sexy but sex isn’t all in a relationship. Also, I don’t understand why a man needs 2 women to have sex. They have one penis! It definitely reduces women’s pleasure in sex because they have to share a man. The man would be distracted too. We all should know that what’s in the porn is just a fantasy.

    • I agree with you! I think it’s best to leave it out of a relationship- it’s something that should be experimented with before you are ready to settle down. I love this entire blog article. It has been so eye opening and interesting! The comments are great. But I agree with everything you said. Porn is JUST a fantasy.

  44. Guilherme Paludeti

    Let me just start of by saying bacon flavored would be a great idea. With that said I do not think a relationship can last a 3 way because of what a woman would think during it as stated above, “How much attention is ‘she’ getting compared to me?” Also if they relationship is going smoothly and the two love each other why would you need an extra person, it’s literally like both partners are cheating on each other at the same time….and they’re both ok with it. I don’t look down on three ways, just saying it’s different when you’re in a relationship(pornstars most likely aren’t in a relationship with the people they’re having sex with). Also, my stance on this is that I would never have a three way with my girlfriend and would question our relationship if she brought it up. A relationship is much different than a one night stand.

    • My boyfriend has been asking me for a three some I do want to please him but I don’t want to lose him. I know if I agree to this it would end out relationship I wouldn’t and don’t agree to sharing my man with another woman, specially if we have big plans. Should I go for it, or not?

      • I think you must always be true to yourself and never do anything that you experience as emotionally harmful.

        I don’t really see what the point is in agreeing to do something that you know will end the relationship.

        Have you ever asked him how he would experience being in a threesome with you and another guy? Maybe you should propose it just to get him to see how he might feel in your situation. There’s a possibility that he would find it as unsavory as you do and get why you don’t want to do it.

      • I have and he takes it a complete different way like it’s the end of the world. Then he talks about getting what he wants somewhere else. I find that as a threat n offense. I think I should just end this for good :-(

      • From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you can have a healthy relationship with this person. I’d encourage you to find someone who has empathy, who cares about your feelings, and who respects you. Sounds like you could do better.

  45. zaineb alkhaleef

    Would I want to engage in a threesome with my partner? Never! Automatically i’d feel insecure about having another women in my home and in my bed sharing my fiancé. I have had friends who have engaged in threesomes but that usually led to both partners cheating on eachother but for those who are interested should establish boundaries that require both of you know enough about each other, know how your partner reacts in various situations, and a level of trust exists. This means that the boundaries you establish have a level of implied understanding. Having boundaries being implied means they are something that understood between your husband and yourself. If are a couple with strong communication and have been together for several years then you can get with a few boundaries. However if you are a new couple then you will have to spend allot of time working through understanding what each boundary means. Part of discussing your rules it will be necessary to talk a bit about how the two of you act as a couple and as an individual so that the boundaries are better understood.

  46. In my opinion I don’t believe that a relationship could survive a threesome because I think that someone will feel left out or maybe feel like they are getting the same love and attention that the other person is getting so then I believe that jealously would play a strong part in the relationship. And if threesome were successful then everyone would start to have a three some or a lot of people would be having them. I put myself in that situation I wouldn’t want to be in a three some because I feel that that the love wouldn’t be equal but I guess that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion

  47. sandra ruelas

    Personally I don’t think I would ever have a threesome with my partner. I can’t even imagine it- I know i would get jealous seeing the man that I love with some other girl in front of me and i would hope my Bf wouldn’t want me sleeping with someone else in front of him. That a little over my comfort zone. I think a threesome would workout just find with three random people. Maybe a month ago, I was at my local bar and I had a married couple ask me if I would have a threesome with them. The weird part was that the wife was the one who asked…. I laughed and said no thanks..

    • I’d never do a threesome either. But I can imagine that if I did agree to, and if it were my partner’s idea, I would be more comfortable in being the one to approach the woman. On the other hand, sometimes it’s the women who wants a threesome.

  48. I don’t consider myself to be an exceptionally jealous person, but I really don’t think a threesome would work for me. Not only is it just too much of an emotional toll on a relationship, logistically speaking, it just sounds complicated. It’s hard enough to make sure your needs and your partners needs are getting met in intimate situations, I can’t imagine having to worry about an entire other person’s set of needs.

  49. I have just had a threesome with me and my. Wife it didn’t take much to perswade her but it was with my best mate it was my idea but when he perormed oral on her I could not vare to look and when she was facing me but my mate was having sex from behind I could not look but carried on anyway now I can’t even look at my wife or talk to her how do I deal with this sitution ?

    • I know more about the dangers than how to deal with the situation once there’s been a problem.

      Maybe you’re having a problem forgiving her for enjoying something that you had hoped you would enjoy. In which case, you would need to forgive her. Forgive and forget. That could take some time. Maybe you should talk with her about why it is you’re feeling the way you do and the two of you can learn from the experience and work it out somehow.

      Here are some other thoughts:

      http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100808165040AAdCAh9

  50. I feel like this is that common, especially if you truly love someone then a three some should never be something we want. For instance if i was in this position, i would never say yes to a three some. I think it is very weird, but some relationship they both agree to have a three some which i find it awkward, but i guess we are all different and want different things. i totally agree sandra ruelas. She couldn’t have said it any better.

    • I feel the same way. If you truly love someone, then a threesome would never be an option. I think it is fine to talk about and fantasize about… but the actual act? Ehhh, a little too much for this girl.
      I suppose there are those who may be able to handle it and survive it. I don’t see myself being one of those who could survive it. I love being sexual, but one on one is where I do my best work. I want a lover who is focused on me, me, me so I can focus on them, them, them!

  51. A threesome is a terrible idea in for any serious relationship, forget the phycological abuse one party might feel, think about the diseases out there, accidental pregnancies! But for those gentlemen that do…think about your ladies. Would you really want to watch someone jam their junks all up into her? Savor her the way you do? Would that turn you on? I think it would make you insecure, angry, and you would never forgive yourself for allowing it. No, no, no…. Love is meant for two people, there shouldn’t be room for a third.

    • Thanks for bringing that up.

      Yes, that’s something that I had thought of myself when one boyfriend suggested it. I felt like anyone who was up to join a couple doing a threesome was likely to have diseases.

      • I was approached and I am not diseased in any way, but I think I know what you meant! Ha.Ha. Well, I was approached and disease free- and I did NOT participate. This is a great point to bring up! Who would actually be willing to join a couple in “love”? I think it’s an invitation to being used for two people’s pleasure… not my own.

      • I think, from reading all the comments I’ve received, that different people can feel used. Sometimes it’s one of the members of the couple. Sometimes the person who is invited.

        Thanks for adding your perspective.

      • You know, I think, too, it might depend on the way in which you are invited into it. This doesn’t feel like it’s an honest invite if that makes sense. He is still asking me/pursuing it/begging me. He has wanted to have sex with me long before she was around. Sounds like he’s really in love with her. (Kidding.) He refers to her as his ‘slut’. So… what does that make me? My reply is still no. I can’t imagine he loves her if he’s doing all of this behind her back. I’m intrigued as to his line of thinking. I certainly cannot figure it out. Not really sure that I want to. Will most likely cut off contact. Was trying to still be friends, but I am not sure I can deal with his lack of morals and respect… for me, for her… for all women at this point.

      • I agree that it doesn’t seem like an honest invite. I know that I would be more than a little concerned about how he saw me (if I were the invitee) given how he treats his partner.

  52. My boyfriend is in jail right now, but he seems way too desperate to have a threesome when he gets home. He came up with this off of a dream. We are going on 3 years soon, thinking of marriage at some point. It bothers me. It seems like he just want to see another girl naked. Should I be worried because I am. What are really the reasons people want a threesome when they are together?

    • The number of guys wanting threesomes has increased since porn started making it a staple. So he may have been affected by this. Or, in prison the guys may have been bragging about all the (most likely fake) threesomes they’ve had, and your boyfriend thinks he’s missing out. When the guys are most likely making it all up. Some guys want a threesome cause they want to spice things up or they’re bored. I doubt that’s the case with him, being in prison.

      Since most couples who do threesomes seem to break up you should ask both yourself and him if the risk is worth it. Ask him what he wants out of the relationship. See if it fits what you want, and what would fit with having a threesome.

      You might also ask if he finds the thought of having a threesome with you and another guy appealing. If not, why not? He may not like the idea any more than you if roles are reversed, and it might help him to get why you don’t want to do it.

      I feel you should be true to yourself and not feel pressured. If you feel pressured and uncomfortable the relationship won’t likely last or be healthy.

  53. Hahaha!

    What a fun post. I came over here to thank you, for checking out my blog. Wow, wasn’t expecting this! Lol Boys will be boys and that’s all I have to say! Lol

    Hope you have a great weekend. Hugs Paula xxx

    • Thanks. I’ve gotten all sorts of reactions to this post. Some people love it some people were angry with me. Others write in asking for advice on problems they’re having with a threesome situation – and on all sides: they want one but don’t know how to approach their partner, they are upset because their partner wants one, they had one and now things are shot to hell…

      • Haha!
        It’s a catch 22, isn’t it? I won’t go into it, but I have been down this road too. It depends on the maturity and type of relationship between the two people. For me it was fine. But, I know many people that it did the opposite. Like I said it was a fun post!
        Have a great Sunday! Paula xxx

  54. Great post!
    I was approached to be the other woman in a threesome. It is nothing I ever wanted to do. The invite was somewhat flattering. He had big plans for us in the bedroom, but did all of the planning behind the other girl’s back. I MIGHT have gone through with it, but I was not even remotely attracted to the other woman. Plus, I liked him and thought to myself, “If this jerk is planning all of this behind the poor girl’s back- then what ever would he do to me if we got together?” No thanks. Glad I’m smart enough to have walked away from what sounds like would have been a horrible situation for myself in the end.
    To each their own, I say- but just leave me out of it.

  55. I respect what you’re saying, and threesomes are definitely not something to rush into (baby steps, baby steps!), but I think they got a bad rap in there. I’ve had one, with the net result being a much increased friendship between the two women, though the fact that I was not dating either of them may factor into its ease.

    Lately I’ve been spending time with three sets of polyamorous people, and all three have had threesomes (and a foursome), enjoyed them immensely, are still together, and plan on having more in the future. There were no gender divides or characterizations, they were never pressed on anybody, from either gender, and no one was dragged into anything kicking and screaming. (If there was screaming, it was of an entirely different nature.)

    Again, they are not something to rush into, but I think the sex negativity of our culture, and the fact that yes, the porn world is so (so many adjectives to use here…) blech, have unfairly dismissed threesomes as male fantasy, toxic, and foolish, when I would rather say they are another part of the sexual landscape, to be carefully and deliberately chosen by those who wish to, and avoided by the rest.

    • Thanks for your perspective.

      As I mentioned in the piece, the one couple I know of who survived a threesome are polyamorous. That said, the husband told me that his wife was only convinced to enter that sort of relationship kicking and screaming. But that said, I also know of several women who were the more interested parties in polyamory.

      Also, you most likely won’t find a gender divide among the polyamorous. They’ve all agreed to it. “pre-qualified” you might say. But they arent representative of the general population. When you go there, a number of studies have found men more interrested than women. I’ve surveyed my own students and about 90% of my women students rated 3-somes a 1 out of 10 in interrest. A few went off the scale with 0’s.

      That may well have to do with living in a sex-negative culture… Which is more sex-negative for women than men. Now add growing up with Disney Princesses living happily ever after to the mix. Plus, men’s bodies aren’t fetishized, making random sex partners a bit less appealing for women. And then there’s the dream of one-and-only soul mates.

      And check out these related posts.

      Twilight vs Porn

      http://broadblogs.com/2012/11/19/twilight-vs-porn/

      Men Watch Porn, Women Read Romance. Why?

      http://broadblogs.com/2011/05/16/men-watch-porn-women-read-romance-why/

  56. It feels as is the conclusions drawn here are broader than is warranted by the supports personally. Before I would hesitate on any implication that relationships couldnt survive a threesome off of the examples you’re giving, I’d want to hear some perspectives from the positive side (which we can’t feign don’t exist). More useful would be randomized (as well as a demographics-based) studies. To base the opinion on such as the Hufft therapist seems a bit disigenuous. How many clients are included in this? What’s the demographic proportion inlcuding their previous beliefs? Was their relationship already in danger? Did his counseling have any effect on the outcome? That’s not to discount any circumstancial evidence from joining the disussion, but I’d caution against such strong claims from it.

    I also don’t understand the link to breaking a relationship because it’s more a “guy thing.” (although I ABSOLUTELY agree with what Im hoping is your main point that women who feely deeply uncomfortable about it should not be coerced into it) Guys and gals do indeed have different wants. This doesn’t mean that we isolate such desires from each other (even sometimes on activities, for sake of arguments, initially somewhat uncomfortable). We can and do compromise or enjoin in each other’s desires for the sake of the other (emphasis however on the willing intent side of that).

    I know by this point I’m probably sounding like an annoying gnat, but I also find the correlation from porn a bit presumed. Are we able to show that threesomes have actually increased chronilogically with porn, or could it only seem that way? If it really has increased, is that a sufficient conclusion? Could it not be that porn allows men to feel more vocal on previously quieted desires? Or could it even just be a typical correlation not causation issue where both factors have changed because of a more foundational shifting moral landscape?

    Forgive the pickings, but I was surprised at how none of the comments seemed to be addressing these issues which seemed pretty important in my opinion. I must say though, kudos on getting down to some of the differences working behind each gender though. I think a better understandinf of this could really help relationships meet both of each partners needs better. And definitely, the female should never feel coerced into a threesome even if one concluded the male justified in wanting it. Coercion is different from compromise though, and if a compromise is happily made, I see no reason to jump to this killing off the relationship.

    • Well first, I never said that relationships can’t survive a threesome. And I gave an example of a friend of mine whose relationship did survive — several 3-somes, actually. But he is in a polyamorous relationship. So read more closely.

      I’m afraid that the sort of data you are looking for isn’t available. At least not that I’m aware of. So I looked at anything I could find. Since I made clear where I was getting my data, people can make their own judgments. But I never claimed that this was a scientific study.

      So, based on the experience of those I know (who weren’t in troubled relationships), the experience of others who have talked about this, and everyone else who has talked to me (outside of polyamory) they TYPICALLY don’t survive, or are not enjoyable, or don’t end well. I’ve since learned of a couple more instances where the women either weren’t “into it” or where the woman totally hated it. In another instance the woman partner liked it “too much” and the man who had initiated it broke up with her because he was so upset by how much she enjoyed it. But women, in particular, are often upset by partners who want to do this sort of thing — and you can see several examples of this if you read the comments prior to the one you wrote.

      Of the data that is actually available, there is plenty to suggest that women usually don’t want a threesome and that most men do want one. If you create a situation where a woman doesn’t want to do something but the man does, you are likely to have problems. I have tried to explain what is most likely to go through her head – which is very different from what men fantasize will be going through her head based on porn — so that guys will have a better understanding of what the reality is most likely to be like.

      Another bit of data that is actually out there is the correlation between threesomes increasing in porn and men’s desires for threesomes increasing along with it. That’s from a book called “Pornified” which is linked to in the post.

      When it comes to compromising, that goes both ways. The guy could also compromise by not trying to convince his partner to do a threesome when he realizes it’s upsetting. And if you read other comments on this post, you will find plenty of women — and some men — who are upset by either a partner who wants a threesome or the fallout after they try it. One man related an experience where it worked out well, but it wasn’t a relationship situation for him, and it was with women who were polyamorous.

      I know of at least one couple where the guy wanted a threesome and the woman did not, and found it very upsetting. They talked about the relationship and what they most wanted from it. In their case, they most wanted a relationship that was close and connected. And he realized that the sort of relationship he most wanted was unlikely to come out of a relationship that included threesomes. Other couples might want something else, like sexual experimentation and adventurous sex. In that case, threesomes would work. And in that case, a polyamorous relationship would probably be best.

      • You certainly at least seem to be drawing a generalization about threesomes though even if you’re not saying it must be that way in EVERY case. I can discuss that generalization can’t I? Perhaps that wasn’t the general opinion you were reaching, but that was my interpretation, not necessarily just because I skimmed what you wrote. Heck, I actually read it with a little more gusto because I thought you were presenting yourself well.

        And indeed it’s a shame there isn’t much of such studies (as far as I can tell). I don’t see why that makes relevant questioning of circumstancial evidence any less useful though. I also don’t see why just because we’re not doing a rigoroualy scientific trial we can’t ask those questions to attempt eliminate our own bias and help us figure out what, if any, conclusions are reasonable to be drawn from such. I did find this article (http://tsl.pomona.edu/articles/2010/10/4/lifeandstyle/1921-is-three-a-crowd-the-truth-about-threesomes) which seemed to suggest an even mix about feelings on threesomes afterwords, but I would of course ask similar questions. You don’t HAVE to, of course, like you’re saying, but hey, it’s still useful.

        On what you said about porn, I didn’t hear anything in regards to whether the correlation was actually the cause. That might be because I didn’t read the book hah, but unfortunately amazon isn’t so kind to oblige me that for free from your link. I imagine that one is pretty dern interesting though.

        On compromise, right on. It might be that the male can get his jollies a different way, or that the female can get her security and romantics a different way. Or that they can both get a little bit of the way they both want it. Hopefully both parties are able to maximize both of their desires at the least expense of anything the other wouldn’t like. So I think the question becomes a matter of how to do that.

        I guess all in all my point (opinion) is that I don’t think we know enough to generalize about threesomes in and of themselves. It seemed like you were drawing some beliefs about them inherently, but maybe you just in light of the current cultural status. Either way, I think their affect on relationships is a vastly complex web including some inherent factors of threesomes, but also personal beliefs, societal values, and the statis of crucial things in a relationship like trust and communication.

      • Like I said, this isn’t a scientific study. It’s just some logical reasoning based on what research we do have: that few women want threesomes whereas a lot of men do. When I polled my own students on the topic – and it was women’s studies classes, so it was nearly all women – 90% of women rated interest in a threesome at 1 out of 10. A couple went off the chart and put their interest at zero.

        If 90% of women have no interest in threesomes at all – which is similar to national data – then I can’t imagine threesomes working very well for most relationships. There’s a certain logic to it.

        I’m hoping that this will help men to feel less bad – less like they are missing out — so that their self-esteem will suffer less. And I’m hoping that women will feel less pressured into doing a threesome if they don’t want to. They need to know that their feelings are common and that they shouldn’t feel like they have to do something out of pressure. That is why I wrote the post even though we don’t have answers to the questions you asked.

        Though there is nothing wrong with asking the questions that you ask.

  57. I feel like reiterating that it’s not a scientific study is a bit of a sidestep past the value or need of the questions posed. Those questions are deeply involved with some of the research that you provided, which I presume we are tending towards drawing some sort of a viewpoint from (whether it be a hard-line one or not). I also don’t feel any impetus to polarize those as “scientific” either. They more just seem to me relevant considerations to be made before drawing conclusions off of the sources you provided as they might affect whatever viewpoint is reached. I also don’t see why that because women don’t like something, the corollary need (tend) suggest the negative impact on the relationship. There are things females don’t like but do for their male, and there are things that males don’t like but do for their female. I would personally be more interested in the balance of this and how it fits into the two individuals seeking to actively (emphasis) satisfy each other’s needs as a whole. I’ll drop my pressing at this though to forgo tedium and because what you’re saying in that comment I think is super important.

    The disconnect in understanding of the gender minds, I think, is really interesting and so often unnoticed except as superficial cliches stating tendencies. Those “why” motivations you’re getting at really do, I believe, help make both parties feel better. Adding to what you said about feeling less pressured and also guys feeling less dissapointed, I also think that understanding can help deal with some of the initial frustration of even acknowledging those thoughts are there. To find out your guy has had sexual thoughts of another woman in with our current cultural norms can be a shock, but understanding what they means (and especially, doesn’t mean) to the guy I think can open to even better communication if not an even higher security. The reciprocal side is of course also imperative and makes me want to rewatch that old “What Women Want” movie. So championing further understanding of each other is awesome. Keep that up by all means!

    • So why don’t you do some research on this or pass along any you find.

    • I always fantasize about being with two or more men when I masterbate. I would like to try it in real life if I could find the right two men. Having said that, if I were in a loving committed relationship and my partner did not want to have a threesome with me and another man then we wouldn’t. Case closed. End of discussion. Why would I want him to do something sexually that he feels uncomfortable with? That’s not what love or sex is about. I don’t need studies or statistics to support my choice. I’m not going to feel left out because I never had a threesome with 2 men. There are just so many more important things. Yes I find lots of men sexy. So what? I don’t dwell on that when I’m in a relationship so why should my man? We see someone who makes our groin tingle and we carry on. If we are evolved enough we just appreciate the fact that we have a loving partner so we don’t have to try and pursue the unknown with a stranger.

  58. My boyfriend and I have them all the time.
    I think it is a fun way to keep the relationship with excitement.
    Is this going to be bad in the future for us?
    we’ve been together for a year now.

    • The instability of relationships comes when one partner wants to do threesomes and the other one doesn’t. Since 90% of women don’t want to do it and the majority of guys do, you could end up with a lot of unstable relationships if the guy was pressuring the girl to do it.

      But 10% of women do enjoy it. And you appear to be one of them. And so does your boyfriend. So looks to me like you’re completely compatible. So if you don’t stay together it likely won’t be because of this. In fact, he should thank his lucky stars to have a girlfriend who enjoys it. You might even be more likely to stay together because of that.

  59. my husband and I started having threesomes when he came back to me after a sabbatical that he now has a Son from. I figured hey why not would keep him with me at the same time give him that strange he’s’s always wanted!? We’ve had one every year at least if not more but every time, its all about him and I get nothing.. The one tried to engage the first contact he flipped out after nutting up in her of course, we both cheated last year well i cheated, he had a six well relationship while i was visiting my parents outa state! I got over it…(sort of,) and now he wants to have one with the only friend I’ve got! He’s already starting to turn her against me for stupid little stuff, going over to get place after work and doing handy things that he doesn’t even do@home!? She and I use to shower together due to our living situations and he was all worried we were messing around which we weren’t, and so she kinda brought up hey what if… And I thought about it for a minute but said no and i made the mistake of telling him… Now its like that’s all he can think about… What can/ should I do?

    • Well, the situation looks a little lopsided to me. He gets threesomes but you don’t get the the sort you would like – or what you would like (if it is something other than a 3-some).

      But I’m also wondering if there is some lopsidedness in terms of his desire for a more open marriage? Would you prefer more monogamy? Or do you both desire a more open marriage, but the problem is that it mostly — or always — takes a form that he prefers?

      How much do each of you think about the other person’s feelings and try to accommodate each other? How generous are both of you with each other? How empathetic?

      How close are you two? How satisfied are you with the marriage? Do you think you are happier in it or would you be happier with someone else?

      These are questions I’m asking you to think about, yourself, rather than give me answers.

      You might also want to see a counselor who could get both sides and get much more information on both of your perspectives, and discuss all of this in more depth.

  60. I applaud you on the message of this article, don’t do it because you feel pressed to. If it isn’t a lifestyle choice, it really is a slippery slope to travel for three seconds of pleasure and the ability to say, ‘yea, been there done that’. There are benefits (strengthening an amazing relationship/ being the lover to make a fantasy a reality). And there are pitfalls, some obvious (cheating) and others unexpected (the one who suggested it didn’t enjoy it as much as the other two involved). Please don’t think that it will prove our love or fix a broken relationship. It works for some, but not for all. You can plan every single detail, but you can’t anticipate how the 2nd or 3rd person might feel or behave.
    I am a 31 year old bisexual and have been in three long term relationships. I was a model, a soldier, and now a teacher. I have my insecurities (one breast is 2 cup sizes larger than the other). I have been in situations where it was either my idea or my partner’s idea.
    I had a four-way with my 1st boyfriend (5yrs older than me) after I came back from active duty in the military. The women had no rules, but the men could only penetrate their woman. While I was on active deployment he was allowed to play with any female, that wasn’t a friend, who understood that it was only about sex. He couldn’t follow the rules and that was the beginning of the end. I was fine with the idea of having a playmate occasionally. He wanted to continue to play (without me) after I came home for good. I didn’t want an open relationship so I left. He regrets it to this day.
    My 2nd boyfriend (3yrs younger than me) was so loving and innocent and felt that he couldn’t please me (doctor botched his circumcision at birth) and suggested we invite another male. I was completely satisfied by him and declined for quite a while. We eventually found a well endowed man to join us and it didn’t go well because my bf felt that he was just too rough with me and at my signal called it off. He felt bad that he subjected me to that and didn’t talk to me for a week out of guilt. I suggested we try it again with a female and he only said yes because he knew I was bi. That went very well because I trusted my man and never felt threatened by the other female. We tried a MFM 3way again and it was better than the first time because my man now knew what he wanted to take place. I did it to please him and it strengthen our relationship. He realized that I only wanted/needed him. Making him happy made me happy. The relationship ended only because his family arranged a marriage for him. Yeah, I know sigh.
    I didn’t entertain the notion with my third partner (4yrs younger) because I knew it would be trouble. He had an addictive personality.
    I’m a year and a half into my fourth relationship (6yrs older) and he has asked for a 3way. He wasn’t aware that I am bi or that I had tried it before when he first proposed the idea. It’s taken some time and several failed attempts but I found a female that I’m comfortable with to make it happen. We’ve already discussed our “rules”. I’m not worried about jealousy on anyone’s part, she has a husband waiting at home for her (open relationship). My concern is that we aren’t ready to add this to our relationship as of yet and so it hasn’t happened. Maybe for our anniversary. With my other relationships, it had been 2-3yrs in. We’re talking and weighing all the repercussions and I feel that when I am ready it will be on like donkey kong! Until it happens, he’s patient and understanding.

    If this is something you want to try, there has to be a great level of trust and security on both your parts. Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured into sharing your body in a way you don’t want to. If your partner’s love is hinged on you having a 3way, then it’s a love you can do without. Don’t do it because you think it will save the relationship! They will still leave you in the end if that is what they want to do. Then you’re left feeling all types of yucky. Do it because you feel comfortable and wish to explore and expand with a partner you trust.
    Communication is the most important requirement, from beginning to end. Search together and prepare together (go lingerie shopping). Finally do something special as a couple after the experience to reaffirm your relationship and commitment to each other. You both have to want it equally. Don’t Do It For Your Partner! (Unless you are the type to be happy as long as your partner is happy). Set guidelines and safe words. Is kissing allowed? Eye contact? Your favorite position? Can they use the technique that makes you scream on the invited? Please don’t be afraid to end it right then and there if you feel violated. This allows you to nip naughty behavior in the bud and to keep you from regretting saying yes. If they love you they will respect your choice.

    • This is important information. Would you mind if I edited it slightly and put it on my blog? (Like the first sentence is great for a comment but not the best opening sentence for a blog post.)

      With you as author. I could use the name bluebird, or anything you like.

      • Go for it. Do you need anything clarified?

      • I’ll try to edit this week, and let you know.

      • Below is the letter I wrote to my current partner about why I feel we aren’t ready. Feel free to edit as needed.

        I’m don’t think I’m interested in doing this anymore. You don’t seem to understand the gravity of what we’d be experiencing. I know you’ve never done this before but you aren’t oblivious to how it could and has already been affecting us. I asked you to google rules and situations and you said you had. We aren’t just meeting her for coffee and then going about our day. We are going to fuck another person. As much as this is mostly play, its wrapped in emotions that can’t be avoided. Could you picture sharing me and not feeling some type of way? We’re adding something so intimate to the mix when there are basic things that we’ve still yet to experience together. Its hard for me to picture you making me feel special after it if you haven’t been doing it before.

    • Ok, here’s my edit. I filled in a couple gaps by guessing at what you meant or might have felt. Please change anything that’s not accurate, or let me know if you’d like me to do anything differently. (I’ll eventually delete this post and your response, but keep your original comment. I also deleted your letter in this comments section down to the section I used, to retain more of your privacy.)

      [Note to readers, I've replaced text that was approved with link to the post, below.]

      Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not. http://broadblogs.com/2013/10/14/threesomes-can-be-fun-or-not/

      Blubird: you may want to go to the linked post and respond to a comment I wrote to you over there, and then check the box that says “subscribe to comments” (it’s free) just in case someone has more questions that they would like to ask you. (If you’re interested in answering. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.)

      Thanks again. I think that what you wrote will be helpful for a lot of people.

      • Hey, that’s awesome. Update, he understood where I was coming from after reading the letter and admitted he was afraid as well and appreciated my honesty. We’ve become so much more amazing as a couple in these last few days. Thanks

      • Great! And good to hear.

        I’ve scheduled your piece for Monday.

  61. I just wanted to share my experiences with everyone here. I’m married to my husband for 18 years now. We had quite a few threesomes and one just recently. I really do enjoy them and love having them. I think I might even enjoy it more than he does! The first time it was his idea but after that it became my wanting. Strangely I really don’t know how and why am able to get all these threesomes but I love it and would definitely keep it coming. Our relationship never changed if anything it only got stronger.

    • Yes, just like a friend of mine who I talked about, some do work. A few other women have also written in describing threesomes they enjoyed.

      The problem is that while more than half of men would like a 3-some, only 10% of women do, making situations like yours both possible and unlikely.

  62. Samantha Morales

    This is a good post. I don’t think a relationship could survive a threesome, because I would feel like he might be looking at the other girl more than me.. I believe it’s just a fantasy. Some girls are only willing to do it because they think it’s sexy. I disagree. A relationship should be about two people. Bringing a third person into the equation would make things complicated. I don’t think I would ever allow myself to have a threesome with my partner.

  63. lovelybunchofcoconuts

    I came to site after being hit up for a 3some by the fiancee of my good friend, apparently she was up for it, he confronted me to ask. The details I am shady on as I didn’t go into question it because I was more stunned than anything.

    I was a little confused as these people were crazy for each other at the beginning of their relationship. Now, I am all for having a little fun and I have participated in 3some’s before – but what’s the difference for me? I was never the third person being invited into the bedroom of a couple, and it was never arranged as such. In the past it eventuated through a feeling of connection in the moment and going with the flow and doing what felt right at the time, with people I had a lovely night with.

    I guess my point is this; threesomes can go a few ways –

    1) The deed is done, and it’s out of their system and realize their bedroom is for them only
    2) the guy will love it so much, he’ll want to do it again, and trust me, it’s not really as great as it’s portrayed, it’s actually more like three people fumbling around but as long as everyone can have a laugh, it’s a bit more enjoyable.
    3) the women or man may see how much the other enjoyed it and feel disconnected, become jealous and begin to doubt their relationship or the character of their partner.
    4) it WILL CHANGE things forever, whether that’s in a positive or negative light.

    It’s one thing to bang on as a single person, but there’s just so much at stake if it’s YOUR fantasy and you haven’t spoken about every possible outcome and especially boundaries. I guess people need to be aware that this can either make or break a relationship and all too often it breaks.

  64. I agree that it can MAKE or BREAK a relationship. Personally I prefer not to share my man with anyone no matter how “excited” I am. I confess I would be way to worried about the other female or who can do things better. I do not have low self-esteem but that is just how I would think. But everyone is different and I am in no position to judge how people like it. It is very different from thinking about the threesome and actually going through it. To me if it is up to your standards and your partners standards than by all means go ahead and do what you got to do. But the human mind has so many thoughts and emotions who has time to cater to not one but two minds. The part that states pay women to act like they enjoy it, I do not know any women who emotionally stable to handle any of that kind of pressure. I agree that once it is done it will never be the same for better or worse. You could go on and continue it because you get down like that. But in some relationships it could stir up some insecurities whether it was with a man or a women. It must take some guts to admit to wanting to have a threesome or even having a dream about it. Once that it is done it will never leave the back of your mind. In my opinion without trying to offend others out there that have threesomes adding another person to the relationship would just make it more complicated. THREESOMES is a “big NO NO” if you serious about your relationship,just stick to one person.

  65. I agree that most of the time when a threesome is brought up that it is from the guy. I think that most relationships wont last a threesome because feelings and emotions can get involved. To ask a significant other to have a threesome could put a lot of pressure on them. Like mentioned about how the woman feels plays a huge part. I could only imagine questioning my relationship and wondering if there was a lack of sexual desire. I think the only true way this could work is if it was a non-committed relationship. I would imagine that all parties would have to knowingly keep emotions and feelings out of it.

  66. I have to say that me and my boyfirend have discussed this and neither of us want to or feel the need to have a three some . I think people who have them must be bored with each other and the current relationship . There are plenty of other things to get the spark the relationship up besides doing an act that can lead to upset and hurt . We both feel that sex
    should be between two people and that’s it . If u do want to have a threesome it might be better to do it when you are single and have no emotional connections with someone. But no I won’t be sharing my man nor will he be sharing me because our sex life is awesome just between us two without any one involved . The idea of this act make me feel angry just thinking about it. I respect that others want to do this but for me we love each other too much and that’s enough for us.

  67. I was involved in a threesome with a married couple. I’m single and wanted to try it and see if I liked it. I didn’t really. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great either. I discovered I am NOT into women at all. It was really the wife’s idea and it seemed like the husband was just going along. He couldn’t even have an orgasm. She annoyed me by acting like a porn star. I wanted to tell her to shut up, lol. She was kind of a freak sexually and I found out she left him for another guy later. Most women I’ve met who are into alternative sex lives have emotional issues and can’t commit to one man. Men don’t seem to be able to imagine consequences of their actions and they think that their fantasies will work out better than they actuallly do. Also it’s really hard to have safe sex with 2 women. Condom changing is awkward and there is too much risk of sharing vaginal secretions.

  68. For what it’s worth I’d like to make a comment on this subject.
    A few years back before the fast internet connections and the easy access to porn, I was under the impression that MFM was more common than FMF, some argue that it still is, and the myth of ALL threesomes being FMF exists because of porn.
    Anyway, back then, before the FMF porn becomes so popular, we wouldn’t never expect to ask two straight girls to have threesome and expect from them to act like the FMFs in porn, given of course they were truly straight.
    But we, guy friends, had conversations about MFM threesomes! it was more half jokes.
    Of course we wouldn’t think of touching each other in any way, it would be more like taking turns with the girl and the conversation we had was jokes about each guy’s character and how each of us would react.

    I am not sure anymore.
    Probably the popularity of FMF threesomes in porn has probably make it seem more appealing than MFM, even to women.

  69. From a female’s point of view, I do not think that threesome will be enjoyable for me even though I do not have any experience in it. Well, couples may think it is fun to involve in threesome for ones or twice when they feel dull with their sexual lives. It may bring some excitement for them by trying something new. However, I do not think it will work or last for long. To me, having sex is not just about physical pleasure, it’s also about mental and spiritual connection between the couples. While the third person, he/she is not connected with the couple at all, it will just act as a distraction and diminish the real sexual pleasure. It will be worse if the woman is just doing it for making the men happy, she may not want to share her man with another woman and that would be very awful for her. I am not saying that threesome is not right or judging it for any reason, but I just think that if a couple decide to do it, they must first make sure that both of them are totally okay with it and would not have any bad feelings afterwards.

  70. I have two separate opinions on this, and it all depends on how secure the woman (or man) is in the relationship. My current boyfriend of 5 years has always mentioned that he would love to have a threesome and how it is his biggest fantasy to be with two women at the same time. I would be all for it, if we found the right person, and if there would be no contact after the act whatsoever on either of our parts. I think that if the rules are completely laid out before hand and if both people agree to them, then it could just be a way to spice up the sex life. But on the other hand, I agree with this post that the women are more worried about comparing themselves to the other woman, that if would not be enjoyable for her. I think that would be the case for me, but I am not sure unless I am really put in the position. I am a naturally jealous person, and I don’t really want to see the man I am in love with having sex and being intimate with another woman, even if I am involved.

    But I have known so many couples who have been in the same boat and actually gone for it, but then regretted it after. But then there are a few who bring another man or woman into their bedroom all the time, and there is never an issue with it. I just think it depends on the couple and if they are both on the same page as far as the other person goes, and if they are secure and not jealous in the relationship.

    I think that porn makes threesomes seem a lot better than they are as well. So the man goes into it thinking it will be this perfect scene, but then could be let down after the fact.

  71. Danielle – I’ll second your point that threesomes are not all they are cracked up to be. I think threesomes seem a lot better as a fantasy than they are in reality. I’m a guy and had one threesome – luckily it was a one night stand type of situation, so no relationship in the picture. Sex is always just sort of sex in the end – and having a threesome didn’t really change that. I guess as a guy I am sort of glad it happened so I can check that box (don’t know why I want to check that box, but whatever) – but when I tell the guys the story during “guy talk”, I always tell them it wasn’t as amazing as they might think.

  72. My boyfriend and I both feel that threesomes are overrated. We’re not super-hyped or even interested in having one. It would definitely be a spontaneous thing if it happened. It would also depend on who it was with. For instance, if he expressed an interest in my best friend, I would be completely hurt and disgusted, because that is way beyond my comfort zone. I’d rather him keep that fantasy in his head. I think he’d feel the same. If it was another friend, I would worry that our friendship would be awkward afterwards, especially if porn-like expectations weren’t met. Also, sex with your partner can be personal, they can know a side of you that perhaps isn’t easily shared with everyone, and you trust them with that side of you, why would you want to share that bond with another person? I’m glad him and I share the same views on the topic, and that we are open enough with each other to even discuss it.

  73. I do not think that relationships can survive a threesome; however, it depends on the personality. I think that for a relationship to be healthy, durable, and strong, both partners need to have true/real, and equal feelings for each other. Further, I believe that it is impossible to sincerely love more than one person; consequently, in my opinion, relationships cannot survive a threesome. Nevertheless, it depends on the personality of each partner. For example, jealous partners will always be fighting or arguing: “why you did this with him/her in front of me” or “I don’t like the way you look at him” etc. These constant troubles will more likely result in a separation.

  74. I would like to mention a different side to threesomes that not many people see here. I have had previous threesomes but in my case it was male female and male. No bisexual stuff at all. We all enjoyed it .the way I see two females and one man..no man can really satisfy two women. My marraige did eventually fail ,but it had nothing to do with the threesomes. I honestly feel thats what people tend to miss. My current partner of many years has considered us having a threesome after my years if persuasion. I feel very comfortable with it and I have no intentions in loosing her . Its an experience I would love to share with her.

  75. Relationships can survive threesomes if the relationship is already healthy. This question almost makes threesomes sound pejorative, when in reality, it is sex, and sex is supposed to be empowering for all parties. True, there are those gray areas, with feelings, being hurt, etc, but I believe that if a relationship can overcome any other obstacles, then why does a threesome sound like a challenge? If it comes off like a challenge, then it’s possible that the couple may not be ready. I’ve had many friends who’ve been in relationships and have invited other people into their sexual activities, and it always sounds like a positive experience.

    • I guess they could survive if the relationship is both healthy and everyone is interested in doing it. But from reports I refer to, they usually don’t seem to– Hence the title. So the title isn’t meant to be pejorative so much as descriptive.

    • For me as a woman there have been times when I’ve felt pressured by men to do things I wasn’t interested in. They pushed the issue even though I told them how I felt. Women are by nature pleasers and it may be that they get pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with. Statistically only a small percentage of women are bisexual so the genuine opportunity should be rare for most couples. It’s very hard to find men who are willing to engage in a threesome with two men. I know because I’ve tried ;). For those who truly enjoy threesomes and have a great relationship it’s fine but the rest of us shouldn’t feel that we are uptight for not sharing those desires.

      • I think that many men wouldn’t object having a threesome with two men and one woman as long as the men don’t touch each other.
        But on the other hand when it comes to threesomes with two women and one man, it is expected that the two women should engage with each other.
        That’s a big difference.

  76. at the very end of the note said that if we want to have a threesome that we should do what the porn industry does, pay a couple of ladies for it. I believe that this could be the only choice because in my case, when I am in a relationship, I usually care for my lady and even if she wants it, I would say no! one of the reasons, it is that in a relationship, there should be respect for one and another and if you are mixing a third person, things bet out of balance and that leads to chaos, The other reason is if she does want a threesome with another male, I would not agree and that will make a macho because I do believe in equality and I am not willing to share my lady with another person being this male or female. it other words, in order for this to work, there must be no emotions at all, just like porn stars do it!

  77. My friends and I are very close, (almost a decade of friendship.) Two of them are in a relationship, and the female approached me about a threesome. I said no initially because I felt it would make things awkward, or it would ruin a relationship/friendship. The male felt the same way and didn’t want to do it. After weeks of hassling me, telling me that she believes the relationship is strong enough, she wants it, she wants to see her bf with another girl, I agreed. We did it, followed all stated rules. Right afterward the drama began. She felt as though he paid more attention to me, treated me better, etc. She made him stop being my friend. She doesn’t want to be my friend. I regret losing two of my best friends. I recommend if you want to do it, and you are female, don’t have it with a man that you care about.

    • I’m so sorry. But thanks for the warning from the voice of experience. Maybe your comment can help others.

    • That’s another reason why men don’t want to have a threesome with their girlfriends and another man, besides the obvious reason that heterosexual men aren’t interested in men at all.
      That’s why I don’t get it why women prefer having threesomes with their boyfriends and another woman instead of another man.

      • I meant men know jealously is going to be an issue and that’s why they don’t want to bring another man, besides of course the fact they aren’t interested in men at all.
        Don’t women consider jealously as an issue when they want to bring another woman?

      • Well, you write your comment as though all women want to bring another women into their beds. I don’t want to. If you read some of the comments above you’ll see that plenty of women don’t want to. And that’s the point of the blog post: an awful lot of women don’t want to. Only about 10% are interested in a three-way at all, and not all of them are going to want FMF.

      • Ι was referring to those who do want to have a threesome.
        Prior to that they don’t think the issue of jealously but after that they may regret it

      • Gotcha. Actually, I was wondering the same thing.

  78. You said that only 10% of women would want to have a threesome.
    I bet the percentage of men that want to have a threesome is much higher.
    But how many of them would prefer having a threesome with their girlfriends and another man with instead of another woman?
    I would bet almost none.
    I don’t think that many men would like to see their girlfriends with another man

  79. Ι read it and I read the link. Actually it’s more than 10%.
    The link said that 8% of women have already tried a threesome and another 10% fantasize about it.
    So it’s more like 18% of women that are interested in a three way.
    I didn’t find anything about whether they prefer another man or a woman though.

    • Hmmmm, the media report I got this from said 10% — which is the same number I consistently get from my own students when I ask about interest, as opposed to whether they have done it. But congratulations on reading that entire article.

    • The number of the students that have done it is different that the number of those who are interested?
      Is it higher or lower?

      • I’ve only surveyed students on their interest in doing a threesome. I surveyed a lot of different classes and the responses are always around 10% having any interest.

  80. noellekeshmiri@gmail.com

    This is by far my favorite post so interesting to me and i even would like to know. If your married or in a relationship of course the first honeymoon phase is the best and it goes away or at least i think sometimes…. i think yes i do agree every man does think about having a threesome and girls do too!!!! Girls get turned on more by a women’s body right? but imagine bringing another girl to the bedroom with your boyfriend or husband omg seems like a dream come true for a man!! i don’t think a threesome can survive a relationship too much jealous especially for the women …. and imagine your bf making love to another women in front of you , i think women try to please men by doing this or vise versa and in the end it turns out all bad. relationships cannot survive a threesome we get to jealous it just doesn’t work and for that 1% that does there has to be some animosity between them. I think if people have threesomes it shouldn’t be with anyone there in a relationship with it just won’t work…..porn plays a big impact on people and they think having sex should be like that ….. i would like to know more from someone who has had one and still is in a relationship …

  81. I think threesomes should just be left alone for single people who want to experience new things. When couples have threesomes, they end up breaking up because of the emotional stir that it causes afterwards. I think when guys in a relationship fantasize about threesomes, they’re just thinking of the sex, and like the post said, the more the better. I would not be willing to share my girlfriend with anyone else and i’m sure she wont be willing to share me either, it’ll just cause relationship problems because it’ll be brought up, causing arguments. That’s why only 10% of women would rather not have a threesome with their boyfriend

  82. I don’t even think the thought of a threesome crosses my mind, but you’re right- among many men, it is the topic of discussion.

    For many women, I think that we do not like the thought of it, because we see it as competition. There is another women in the room that we have to fight with for our significant other’s attention. It is never a good thing to allow that kind of rivalry in the bedroom, because now, it’s no longer fun.

    Many times, on television, I see couples “scout” for the perfect candidate, but problems usually arise.

    1) The person is freaked out by the thought of it.
    2) The couple cannot agree on a person

    I suppose it’s not my cup of tea, but if it works out for somebody else, good for them!

  83. What a good post. This topic has always been some what like a loaded gun being tossed around. I like that part where it goes into how the women who is in the relationship will inevitably have concerns about the other women, and what it all means. My view has always been that Threesomes are for signal people. I believe with out the deep connection that you have in a relationship a threesome can work. But if you add emotion and connection into the mix I feel the cake will turn our tasting sour. With that in mind I have never been good at sharing my toy’s, one could call me greedy, I don’t want to share my husbands attention with anyone else whether it be a man or women. In turn, lust is lust by love is something deeper, I love my husband so I couldn’t share him or his emotions or affection’s with another person.
    With that said the idea of two people pawing over you is always appealing, people want to feel more attractive not less, and having two people into you at the same time could give this effect. What I don’t particularly don’t like about the whole threesome bit, is that it is so one sided, that it has become and pushed upon society mostly women that it is normal for a man to want a threesome, whether or not that is a scientific fact is up in the air, but as for how I feel about this it raises a fury inside of me. When did we women decide that we are okay with our husband’s or boyfriends fantasying about being with us and another women, even asking it is something we no longer get upset with. What is happening to us women? I realize that there are women who truly okay with having a threesome with their significant other and another women and to them i say hats off. But I believe most are not okay with it, we ignore and act not offended when our partner asks for such a thing. Why? Why do we feel we can’t express how we feel? When the subject is brought up a lot of us women are faking that we are okay with it, or we are biting our tongues as to how we really feel. I believe it has to do with this standard that men has set up for women. If we aren’t adventurous in the bedroom then we are a bore, and our men will lose interest in us. Lets face it no one man or women wants to be describe as a bore in the bedroom area. Along with this I have the thought about how many men would be okay having a threesome with another guy and one women, I am most certain the number of men that would want that specific type of threesome would decline dramatically. So as many views of women and what is expected of them is grossly lop sided.

  84. I think that the dream of trying with 2 lovers at the same time is just as prevalent dream in women as in men – men talks just higher than women of their dreams – “hehe” :-)

    I see nothing bad in it at all if that’s what you want – like everything else you have to be aware that there may be repercussions or consequences – in continuation of what we do – my personal beliefs is that we must be careful not to be guided by what we think others would think was cool – sometimes we have a fear of being cheated of something that everyone else does – by which often we are chasing a mood rather than building up an atmosphere ourselves… :-)

    To get the offer to be the third wheel in the gig is flattering, it was fun to try for many years ago – but there is in my eyes a lot of other sex which are a lot more interesting – but it’s not the same as thinking it strange, not at all… :-)

    • Different strokes for different folks.

      For some reason people tend to think that however they see the world is how everyone else does. That’s why we have social research. So you might think that women like it as much as men, but my own research — this question has come up on a number of different surveys I’ve administered to my own classes — along with national surveys consistently show only about 10% of women having an interest in this sort of thing, Whereas about half to two thirds of guys do.

  85. From my professional world we spend a lot of time to conduct studies and statistics – experience has taught me that one should be very positive critical of these studies when making conclusions one can easily be deceived by the numerics – statistics which I have worked a lot with have many pitfalls – numbers are also grateful … :-)

    This field of study that I only know from a personal level – that surprises me a lot that the men’s number isn’t higher … :-)

    • Yes, I actually know about statistics, being a sociologist.

      People bump their numbers up or down. Like these:

      Are Men Really More Polygamous?

      http://broadblogs.com/2013/06/03/are-men-really-more-polygamous/

      Why We Lie About Sex Partner #’s

      http://broadblogs.com/2013/06/05/why-we-lie-about-sex-partner-s/

      In one study men said they’d had 12 partners and women said they had had six. So the reality is probably nine each. So guys bumped up by three and gals subtracted three.

      So yeah, people were hiding their real numbers a bit. Or conveniently misremembering.

      But aren’t threesomes pretty cool these days? Why would women want to seem prude? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and prude isn’t big here.

      I have no idea why women would lie about a desire for threesomes — and in such an extreme way as they would need to do to give the answers they do (see below). There’s a big difference between subtracting three from your number of sex partners and answering a survey asking, “on a scale of 1 to 10 how interested are you in having a threesome?” As 1.
      That’s pretty extreme.

      I’ve asked the question in several different classes on several different surveys, And here’s what the answers tend to look like:

      1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 1 1 4 1 1 1 1 0!!!!!!! 1 1 1 8 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 10 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 1 1 1 9 1 1 1 1

      Maybe you think all of those ones are just women trying to make themselves look better. Though I’m not sure why they would feel they look better giving 1s instead of 5s or 10s.

      Have you seen the comments that people have made on this post? A lot of the women are extremely upset about guys who want to have threesomes.

      Besides, the vast majority of women need to feel a strong emotional connection in order to enjoy sex. Threesomes seem to be about sexual excitement. I don’t see how you get much emotional connection with them. I can see how having another person in bed could greatly distract from any sense of connection.

      When you read what I wrote about what’s likely to be going on in women’s minds — and what has gone through my own mind when someone wanted to do this — I’m unclear as to why you can’t imagine that being a common feeling.

    • btw, your experience is probably affected by the people who like this sort of thing and who self-select to be involved. I definitely got a few nines and tens in my responses. They’re the types you’re probably having fun with.

  86. The positive answers were for 2/3 of men and 1/10 of women.
    I didn’t see if the question was specific about FMF or MFM threesome, so I will assume that it was about having a threesome in general.
    That would raise some interesting points. Since the media has established that the threesomes should be FMF then those people answered having that on mind.
    No wonder why 2/3 of men would like to have a threesome, they thought of a second woman.
    I bet if they were also asked about a MFM especially with their girlfriend, then the “yes” would be almost 0% – jealously is a major factor.
    So the same I can guess about women.
    Only 1/10 said yes, probably because they had FMF on mind – thanks to the media.
    But it they were specifically asked about a MFM threesome perhaps then the “yes” would be more than 1/10 – again jealously is a major factor.

    • Who knows?

      But since women typically need emotional connection to enjoy sex that number isn’t necessarily going to raise a whole lot since threesomes are about eroticism, not connection.

  87. I feel like having a threesome is a fantasy the all guy’s want to do and rarely if at all is something a women want to do. Personally speaking I feel like I would never want to be involved in a threesome. Let’s just say if this happened while I was in a relationship with someone else I feel I would be really disturbed with seeing my partner touching someone else. Let alone watching him having sex with someone else. Also I feel like a threesome can never really work for girls because we, as girls, are competitive and judgemental. During the threesome I think we’re going compare how our body look compare to their. In your article mention how much attention we’re getting compare to the other girl. So in a threesome I don’t think a girl would enjoy it because there’s a lot of mental and physical things going on.

  88. Tiffani Bartlett

    I personally know someone who has been asked that question. I just don’t get what the big deal is about threesomes. What’s the point of having to dealing with 2 lady parts at the same time when most men cant even handle one! If I were asked that question I would feel self conscious about myself like I’m sure a lot of other women would be. Asking themselves if they’re good enough. Men should respect the woman they are with. Obviously women do it to please their men but I say if it doesn’t feel right to you or you don’t feel comfortable tell him to hit the road jack and never come back and to take that elsewhere. You cant have your cake and eat it too.

  89. Everybody seems to talk about threesomes only involving two women. Like that’s the de facto situation of threesomes. Nobody seems to question about threesomes involving two men. Even women talk whether they should have or have not a threesome with another woman but never with two men.
    Isn’t that a bit odd?

    • It’s probably because of socialization. Almost anytime you see threesomes in the media, whether porn or mainstream, It tends to be FMF. So men are more likely to internalize that and want that. And the rest of us are more likely to think about it that way.

      At least one woman wrote in saying that she had had an MFM threesome and loved it.

  90. I think relationships can survive a threesome, but if there is a chance that it will ruin something good, it might not be worth it, in my opinion.

    The fantasy might seem perfect and exciting, but when it comes to reality, people might be surprised to be highly disappointed after they commit the act. From what I understand, being around some of my free spirited friends, both partners have to be into this stuff in order for their relationship to survive. There have to be rules and understanding of each others feelings and expectations. Otherwise, issues like jealousy, luck of self confidence, and mistrust can arise.

    I have seen friends breaking up over an open relationship, and threesome is a similar territory. The risk of a break up is too high.

    Maybe it’s better to experiment when you are with someone you are not planning to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe it’s good to keep fantasies as fantasies?

  91. This is a powerful message. A relationship survival is a strong title. I am not adding any other words just to keep the value character. Congrats!!

  92. I am sure my wife and I are the great exception but my wife initiated the threesome with her best friend when she discovered that she was bisexual but did not want to try it with strangers. Her g/f had been with women sexually while in college. The typical story but true. The best part is that I knew her best girlfriend even longer than she did because her brother was my friend since grammar school. I always had a crush on her so we all had feelings for each other that turned into love.

    Our threesome lasted 38 years, even through her marriage. She wanted to keep her marriage and our relationship separately and would tell us little other than she told her husband about our relationship before they married and he was OK with it. We suspect that he too was bisexual. How many husbands would let their wife spend weeks at a time with a couple with whom he knew, were sexually active with her. I know that this sounds like fiction but he even brought her to Las Vegas so that she could vacation with us as he gambled all day and night and did his thing, whatever it was,

    So,, for us it worked out very well. My wife never once showed any jealously and was the one who recommended that her g/f and I spend alone time together when my wife was not in the mood for sex. My wife would cook us a nice dinner while I made love to our shared girlfriend. Call it great luck but we never once had any problem whatsoever during the 38 years. We eventually had to move and her Son (in his 30’s and still living at home) and husband could not find work in our new city. Her husband held a professional license for the State that they lived in.

    My wife and I both miss her very much and she visits when she can. It felt very weird to be a married couple again. We both got used to having a second wife. My wife had a woman to be around her and I had a woman who was into the kind of sex I liked. Win-win for all.

    Despite our success, I never recommend this to others. For us it was like the perfect storm of personalities and circumstances, that would be hard to duplicate. All of our friends who invited others into their bed ended up divorced as one or the other fell in love with one of their outside partners or one wanted to continue doing it while the other did not because their partner was obviously more into the third person, than they were them. Our best friends had a steady girlfriend like we did. In their second year, the husband started seeing the women without his wife’s knowledge but his wife was having an affair with her boss. It just seems that when you have one of the spouses in a marriage who enjoys sex with multiple partners, their feelings about extra marital sex are that it is harmless as they do it with their spouse all the time. Only the not telling their spouse is all they are doing and that is just a lie to not her anyone.

  93. After many many conversations my boyfriend (47) and I (48) decided to take the leap and have a FMF threesome. I am completely heterosexual, but was not opposed to trying something new. We have been to gentlemen’s clubs together and when the women pay attention to me he is just bursting at the seams, and to turn him on I have had many a lap dance with him watching..we go home and have amazing sex. We also have amazing sex without that tease. I think that’s really a major point, our relationship and sex are both awesome without the added treats. Together almost three years.

    So we found a female escort (no one we would ever encounter again). I got to pick who and that helps with not feeling insecure. I did all the contact with her and set the ground rules, no kissing between them was my biggest rule and protection, of course.

    It was amazing, I didn’t realize how my watching him with her would turn me on and it really did. Of course, my being with her turned him on (no surprise) and well suffice to say the evening was amazing. I was not turned on by being with her, I do not feel the need to be with another woman, but what it did to him to watch us was amazing and no harm no foul for me.

    The next day I made sure we made love to each other, to differentiate between the sex we had the night before and the making love only we share.

    We still refer to the episode during our love making to remind each other what we each enjoyed…the only thing we would do different next time is maybe some home video to replay and watch together.

    We have talked about doing it again, not necessarily with the same woman, and not often. Just as a special treat.

    Hope this helps other readers realize this can work and is not taboo if you have a very strong relationship and agree to the rules.

  94. My boyfriend made me have a three-some with his best friend. am really tormented by it though i have already dumped him. How can i get over it?

    • He had talked about it before n i had said no unless he left me look for a guy myself….he kept insisting that he wanted to watch me have sex with a guy he knew otherwise if he found me with another without informing him, it would be over between us. So he went behind my back n planned it with his friend n they unbelievably tricked me into it. I didn’t love the experience n i hate myself for that…it has really affected my love life. i totally feel bad and i feel unworthy. I have been really asking God to help me get over this….i cant focus with work n school anymore. what should i do? please help

      • I’ve gotten this sort of question a few times and I think I will write a post about it, Based on something I recently wrote to someone else, Which I will largely repost here:

        Bell Hooks has an essay on true love that I always discuss with my classes. It asks a number of questions, 2 of which are:

        1) can you choose love? Or must Love control you so that you can’t choose?

        2) consider the difference between these two things, Relationships marked by:

        . Love + wound
        
. Love + pleasure

        When we fall in love it can feel like we have no choice in the matter. But really we do. And we can choose between being in relationships that are mismatched and end up wounding versus relationships in which two well-matched people come together.

        And you might need to ask yourself whether your partner loves you. Do you have a partner who is okay with causing you pain? Who holds a double standard where he expects you to do things that he won’t do, himself? Or where he allows himself more freedom than he allows you?

        If you conclude that your partner doesn’t love you, I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people just aren’t in a place where they are capable of love.

        Pain — whether physical or emotional — is generally telling you that something is wrong and that something needs to change.

        Perhaps you haven’t met someone who is a good match and healthy for you yet, and maybe it’s hard to imagine that happening. But if you are with someone who is causing you pain, it makes a lot of sense to see what else is out there, meet other people, explore.

        It is possible to combine eroticism with emotionally healthy relationships. Everyone deserves that.

        And while you’re out exploring your options, it helps to love yourself. Confidence is the biggest magnet.
        I’ll need to write more about how to gain confidence. But here are some thoughts:

        Try to get in touch with the core-you, which is wonderful and worthy. Sometimes that core self gets covered up by hurt people who hurt people. A lot of people who don’t feel good about themselves put down others, to make themselves feel bigger by comparison.

        Or maybe you feel bad about yourself because you don’t think you are attractive enough or wealthy enough or smart enough. A lot of products are sold by making people feel bad about themselves, “Oh, and we have a product that will help you.” And setting up impossible standards, like skinny with big boobs — or never being able to “keep up with the Jones” — keeps you on the buy-stuff treadmill forever.

        Know that you deserve someone who respects and loves you.

        And if you don’t know that, fake it till you make it. Behaviorist psychology has found that if we behave a particular way, after a while our attitude starts to match our behavior.

        And see this post:
        Believe You’re Beautiful – Others Will, Too
        

http://broadblogs.com/2012/06/04/believe-youre-beautiful-others-will-too/

        Finally, I don’t really know you or your partner, but that’s my $.02

  95. Yes threesome do work u have to be open and honest, with your mate before doing it. If you both do it for fun , and u have to trust your mate. You got to have a strong relationship if you to trust each other, and have communication just be open and honest of likes and dislikes it will work.

  96. I don’t have a fantasy of a “one night stand”/”just for fun” kind of threesome. I have a fantasy of triangular polyamory, in which my wife and I bring another woman into our relationship, and there needs to be a strong emotional bond between my wife and her before we think about any kind of sex involving her. My wife and I have talked about this idea, I don’t know if we’ll ever act on it, but we’ll keep talking. My belief, maybe I’m wrong, is if we actually did go down this path, maybe we would avoid some of the pitfalls of the “one night stand”/”just for fun” threesome approach. If my wife feels jealous of my relationship with the other woman, the idea is that having her own sexual/emotional relationship with the other woman may help her overcome that jealousy.

    • Some women are fine with the scenario you describe, but they tend to be bisexual women who are as interested in women as in men. Bluebird, for instance, wrote a comment that I turned into a post — and maybe you have already read it. Or, I was just reading about another woman who doesn’t describe herself as bisexual but who has a breast fetish, nonetheless. Her preference is for little trysts now and again — with a woman joining herself and her male partner.

      I really think the only way the scenario you describe could work is if everyone is equally interested. It’s not clear to me that that is the case here.

      I’m not bisexual and from my perspective, a threesome relationship sounds even more emotionally wrenching than a few trysts here and there.

      You’ve given me so little information that I can only guess that there is a possibility that your partner is subjecting herself to an increased level of pain because of your desire for increased pleasure. If that’s the case, it sounds hugely unbalanced.

      I’m wondering how you would feel if the tables were turned and she was trying to get you to accept a MFM relationship in which you added a male lover, who you could form an emotional bond with?

      • How would I feel if the “tables were turned”? Well, I know I do have at least some capacity for bisexuality, although for various reasons that is a side of myself I’ve never really explored, and maybe I never will. I don’t feel any great urge to explore those possibilities, but I’m not utterly opposed to the idea either. Having pondered the question, I think that were I to do so, I’d probably end up much more bisexual than I am now, although of course one never really knows unless one tries. But, I’ve said to my wife, that if she genuinely wanted me to explore this potential, at the very least I’d owe it to her to seriously consider it. Her response? It wasn’t a road she had any interest in me going down.

      • Is your wife somewhat bisexual and interested in exploring her bisexuality?

      • It doesn’t matter. As I have already said, women now days are encouraged and expected to be bisexual. It’s almost like heterosexual women look boring and uninteresting. Women have to be bisexual if they want to be sexy and desirable. Whereas heterosexual men have to be rigidly heterosexual.
        It’s like heterosexual men expect having a harem of bisexual women.
        Sooner or later heterosexuality will be an outdated trait for women and would be a male-only trait.
        Why?
        Because men learned the “lesbian fetish” and women are learning the “lesbian fetish” too. That’s what today’s media is selling. And people, men and women, are buying it.
        That’s why men and women are more into FFM threesomes than FMM threesomes.
        Or how about an FFF threesome? that’s even better!

        But that will make women look even more as sex objects. Even women will look women as sex objects.
        I wonder what feminists think about women being sex objects even for women?

      • It’s never okay for women to be a sex object. Meaning, it’s never okay for women to be seen as only being and object that exist for someone else’s pleasure.

        Whether it’s straight, gay, or bi, sexuality is okay if that’s one part of who the person is. And in fact, in bed with someone of any sex, it’s okay if the focus is only on sexuality — so that both of you become a sex object of sorts — in that one context. Except that you should be concerned about the other persons pleasure, too. But in your entire life you are more than that.

        I’ve been meaning to write about this more because feeling like a sex object in a narrow context can be exactly what someone needs to get turned on. But again, add: concern for the others pleasure, and a general context of connection in bed, + more than the sex subject in your larger relationship.

        As I said, I will try to write more about this. But questions like yours are helpful because they help me to think through the issue.

      • But with the increasing popularity of threesomes and lesbian porn, women are degrading to mere sexual objects. The easy access to internet and porn will only make things worse. I don’t see a way that will make it go away. In a few months the movie 50 shades of grey will be released. A movie about degrading sex that will become major hit.

      • That degradation has been around for years, and just keeps coming, unfortunately.

        Some feminist protest has made a difference here there — like the change in ads for Go Daddy, or protest about the clothing “Ice Girls” wear in hockey — but not in the larger scheme of things. We are still bombarded by images that objectify women.

        Perhaps the best hope is to educate the viewer to see more of the person. After all, A sleeveless woman in Israel will be viewed by orthodox Jews as a sex object. But a nearly-nude woman among the aborigines won’t be seen as a sex object. So the mind of the viewer may be key. Sure, notice that a woman is attractive and sexy, but see that there is much more to her than that.

  97. My husband travel a lot. His idea is he want us to have a BFF for me so she can be around me when he is not home and help me with the kids, also maybe help us to watch the kids so i can travel with him and..for him and i can share her.

    He said we fight a lot lately and make he feel like we need someone between us to help us understand each other and someone that he trust so i can travel with him when she is home watching our kids.

    I love my husband and i hate seeing him doing or kissing another woman. I know that he wanted so bad but i don’t know if thats a good idea for us.

    I don’t mind of having 3 domes , either with BFF or some stranger , but my thing here is , will it just be a having fun thing or he will be all about it after we have it and he enjoy it.

    He said he loving being touch and we will never cheat on me , i will lay the rule and he follow.

    These are the thing i am worry:
    Will he be doing her behind my back?
    Will he be compare me with her if she is better then me?
    Will he be more confident and maybe meet someone else and have a one night stand when he travel ?
    What if he felt in love with her?

    But if i said no, i know he will be disappoint and who know he will be hook up with a two girls and having sex without me noticed.

    What do i do?
    Please help!

  98. jessi,,its impossible to stop him…cause he already decide it,,that he want to enjoy with two…..so its not possible that if you refuse he will not do that…..he will do it without your notice and than it will hurts you more….better to make the rules and let him to do it…sure he shall do and after finally he shall fedup from her also and will never ask you again for the same …….if you let him to do on front of you..it will help you to understand that you are the best or she and if she is than you can recover your weakness and you can learn more better than whatever he needs from you….also it will help you to be with him and spend your most of the time with him to know that what he really likes in your personality or what he is desiring…….i hope it will help you….
    threesome is great new generation idea…some time it works and some time it brings so many difficults in married life but if both partners are agree and decided to enjoy it..rather ..bbf or bff…..than i dont think so the problem should be created in the life cause they talked about it and decide it finally…so i dont think so that there is any reason to have regrets or any other problems after having three some…..i have talked to my wife and we are so excited and still talking about it that really we ll love to enjoy it or just it will creat any tention for anyone ….but we both are excited and love to do it and if we enjoy it sure we shall share it……but its true always do it with someone stranger rather than any friend….it will help you that how you both feels after having it…..if you both loved it and enjoyed it than sure in future both partners can decide and can enjoy otherwise just stop it and enjoy the normal life. as usual.

  99. If it was the other way round, if the media and the porn had made MFM threesomes popular and women had learn to like having a threesome with two men how would that work?
    If women were pressuring men to experiment with and asking guys to make out with each because “bisexual guys are hot and sexy whereas straight guys are boring” would guys behave bisexually to get attention and attract women?
    If women were constantly pressuring their boyfriends for a threesome with another guy would they give in and try it to please their girlfriends?

    • Women’s sexuality would likely need to be less repressed + watch more porn, too. But Maybe.

      • Is The Male Lesbian Fantasy Messing With Women’s Sexuality?

        “Now the status quo seems to be telling women that they’re weird if they don’t want to hook up with another woman. The freedom to express same sex sexual desires openly has been perverted and you must be an uptight prude if you don’t want to fondle another girl solely for a man’s pleasure!”

        http://www.thefrisky.com/2009-01-20/frisky-rant-is-the-male-lesbian-fantasy-messing-with-womens-sexuality/

      • “On the other hand, I am willing to bet that it would seem preposterous to the vast majority of men who are willing to ask the girlfriends and wives to go gay for them, if the shoe was on the other foot and their girlfriends asked for some guy-on-guy action”

      • I agree with both of these points.

      • If a man wants a harem of women then he’s cool. Women are supposed to get along with each other, at least that’s how it seems in porn, so each man can have and should have his harem of women.
        Are there any women who want a harem of men? Our society haven’t heard of that.
        And that couldn’t possibly work, men unlike women aren’t supposed to touch each other.

        But the whole notion that women naturally don’t want to go with many men doesn’t apply to all women. In tribal societies women having sex with many men makes sense in way and it’s benefitial for the entire tribe. In animals, there are species where the females mate with many males so that the males won’t know if their babies are theirs or not, so they won’t kill them risking killing their own babies.
        In the same way, women having sex with many men in tribal societies means that the men don’t know if the baby is their own or not, so these tribes raise all the babies as their own.

  100. I may be unique but my relationship with my current boyfriend actually spun out of a threesome. Mine was of the mfm variety with two guy friends. I never imagined dating one of the guys but here I am a year after it happened and that is the case.

    For me, I’m not sure if it would have worked the other way and we had a threesome after we were dating. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t think I could handle him being with another female. Too many thoughts and concerns would be going through my mind. And I project that on to what he might feel if we tried to do a mfm relationship again.

  101. This is a good blog because it’s actually brought up a lot with many couples today. They want to try something new because they saw it on media or their friends would talk about it. Many couples want to experience new exotic things, but there could be a high chance of having issues in the future between the partners. I think many of the relationship ends after having threesomes done is because either the boyfriend or girlfriend goes behind the other partners back and sleeps with the 3rd person. Once the partners finds out everything falls apart after that. For my friends that had threesomes before in many cases, one of the partners would accuses the other partner to cheating on them with the girl they slept with. Which is mostly true because probably the other girl could’ve called up the boyfriend and asked to hang out got him drunk and they end up sleeping together. Everyone has a different story of how the threesomes ended the relationship but from my view of hearing stories in most cases it’s the other girl that ruins everything and ex-boyfriend goes with her.
    The couples that do workout after the threesomes are actually lucky because they’ll know for sure that they’re in love with each other and just wanted to see how it feels like to have a threesome or they just like the fact their relationship is like a swingers life style.

  102. If women learn to fetishize gay male sex and see bisexual men as sexy, would men be willing to experiment with men just because women would want to, just like men ask women now to put on a show for them

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/11051140/Why-women-watch-gay-porn-more-than-ever-before.html

  103. In my opinion, I don’t think a relationship can survive after having a threesome. Unless, the couples are in an open relationship or both wanted it then it might could just last. I understand that many couples today want to spice up their game in the bedroom and try out something new. But would a threesome be the best choice to risk ending your relationship? Threesome is a fantasy that most males would dream about or consider at least once in their life. Yeah, it could look fun and very tempting while watching it but they need to understand that porn is just for entertainment, people were paid to act like they enjoyed it. Most women wouldn’t even want to consider about it because like research said, women are more into the romance feelings, the connections they have with the person who they are having sex with. Plus in most of the threesomes, they always portray an image of 2 girls and 1 guy. It like they are encouraging that it’s OK for male have multiple mistress while it is the woman job to please their man.

  104. Let me start by saying that this is absolutely disgusting. Just my personal opinion. If we/you are in or want to have a serious relationship, a three-some is most definitely NOT the way to go. Women are self conscious, worry-bug, jealous type of people. This will most certainly cause a huge problem. If we were to ever “give in”, it is like the article said, only for our mans pleasure. I have personally been asked by 2 of my friends to join in a threesome with them. I was shocked for this to come out of either of their mouths! One friend was a best friend, the other was a guy friend of mine in which I haven’t seen in over 5 years. To top THAT, it was HIS girlfriends idea to have a threesome!! While I was extremely disgusted, I politely declined. I believe if you’re in a relationship, then that’s what it needs to be, “A” relationship. I know now-a-days our world is odd, but being in a relationship means to be committed to ONE person. I’m not saying that threesomes will become a 3 person relationship but, what is the point? I think the only reason a man would want a threesome is because they have NEVER done it or because they are bored and need an excuse to have sex with another woman and not be called a cheater for it. Some people might be into it but hey that’s their thing. Good luck trying to hold on to your relationship after that though buddy. It either going to be the guy that leaves because he liked the idea of sex with someone else or vice-versa. Maybe one or the other leaving each other BECAUSE their partner wants to continue with the threesomes. I think it just creates an absolute disaster because feelings are involved. If i were to be asked by my boyfriend for a threesome, out of all honesty, I would be hurt, insulted and disgusted all at once. There are so many feeling involved. I’m unsure how women who don’t want to have anything to do with that allow themselves to give in, but just by being asked, the down hill begins. It sticks FOREVER in our brains. ESPECIALLY if asked MULTIPLE times..

    • I don’t think it’s disgusting. But obviously it’s not for everyone to experience a threesome. I do think being in a relationship makes it challenging but I know people who have made it work.

      The great thing is that some things like this topic, we get to choose whether we want to experience them or not. If the situation is right, it’s safe and you want to experience a threesome, I don’t see anything wrong with it and don’t find it disgusting.

      To me, it’s best experienced outside of a traditional boyfriend relationship but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

  105. Obviously threesomes will not occur in a relationship without the consent of both parties, but there are many reasons one would agree to participate in a threesome. The idea of a threesome is exciting and fulfills many fantasies. I believe if your partner is willing and agrees, they understand the risk involved with the act; things can only turn bad when difficult feelings develop after the interaction, that was not discussed beforehand. Make sure you’re in love if you wish to try at home’ proceed with caution.

  106. haters be hating. threesomes are great. ten years of a happy relationship that has only gotten better every single day. oh, and the days when we’re not single ;)

    • I’m assuming that winky-face indicates that your comment is directed at “hating” comments and not my post.

      I admit I hate the idea of threesomes for me. But as they say, “some of my best friends are” into ‘em. :-)

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