Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?
Here’s a 110 percent true fact: the guy you’re dating has definitely imagined having a threesome with you and the waitress from last night, his hot co-worker, or your best friend.
That’s what John DeVore over at The Frisky says… just before anticipating the feminine response,
Yuck, amiriiiiight?… while you’re squirming over how grossoholic men are, telling yourself “My boyfriend would NEVER want to have a threesome between me and my best friend Megs.”
Over time men have become increasingly enamored of this fantasy, with somewhere between one-third and two-thirds of men now having lusty visions of three-ways. Probably because it’s now a porn staple.
But can a relationship survive a threesome? Some do, but it seems they usually don’t.
A couple of John’s friends gave it a try and neither relationship survived.
A marriage therapist told the Huffington Post that all of her clients who’ve tried it broke up, except one.
A few of my friends have tried it, too. One was disappointed that it didn’t work, meaning not everyone was into it. Another friend doesn’t even want to talk about it. But, another has done threesomes and is still married.
Maybe the failure rate isn’t so surprising given the lopsided interest of men. While up to two-thirds of men want threesomes — almost always with two women, only 10% of women do — and they may well want two men. So women may be more likely to agree to a three-way out of pressure or wanting to please their partners without really being into it.
And whether or not pressure is involved, if a woman is having a three-way with another woman she is likely to be more distracted by worries about the other woman than having an erotic experience. How pretty is this other woman compared to me? How much attention is “she” getting compared to me? What does it mean about how he feels about the relationship? Is he really into me?!!!
Besides that, guys are more easily aroused by body parts, whereas women more often need a deep connection to get into sex. Between the distraction of another person, the worries, and the fact that this is just sex and not connection, it often won’t be so fun for the girl.
But guys don’t always get all that, like this comment on another post:
I’d like to comment on the willingness of female to female sex. Females are traditionally more caring, nurturing and empathetic. Naturally this would carry over in the bedroom, making sure each is highly aroused and satisfied.
Really?!
I guess that’s how it seems in porn.
Mr. DeVore opines:
Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.
Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.
If you want a threesome like those you see in porn you’ll probably have to do what they do in porn: pay a couple of women to act like they’re loving it.
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Posted on January 28, 2013, in men, psychology, relationships, sex, women and tagged men, psychology, relationship, sex, three-ways, threesomes, women. Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.
Good post. I think it all depends on the rules laid out form the beginning. If you enter into a strictly monogamous relationship it may be hard for it to survive a threesome as it directly conflicts with the original ideas and agreements set out in the beginning.
If however a couple of kinksters get together with the agreement that involving other people, sexually and emotionally, is part of the deal then there’s a much higher chance of engaging in threesomes with another guy or girls, and things remaining cool and fun.
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with the act itself, nor do I think it’s necessarily “just about the sex”, people have been doing it with different degrees of success for a long time. Like with anything it’s all about communication, negotiation and honesty. If someone needs to be pressured it’s definitely not a good idea.
Thanks for sharing
Rohan.
Sure. The guy I know whose marriage survived a threesome is into open relationships. But in our culture that can be difficult to do when so many distractions I named distract from the emotional connection that so many women need to enjoy sex.
Because men and women in our culture (but not every culture) tend to be different from each other in this way, sexually, men can end up getting frustrated when they can’t live out their fantasies. And women can get frustrated when men expect them to do things they don’t want to do. I’m hoping this post will help men and women in the Western world to have better understanding of each other.
If women and men were socialized similarly we wouldn’t have these big disconnects.
Yeah exactly, It’s all about learning how each other work, and how we reach our highest levels of arousal in different ways
There are exceptions of course, but for the most part it does seem to be the case.
I think if men and women talked to each other more about this kind of thing they’d get to understand each other better, leading to less frustration on both sides
Rohan.
Honestly Threesomes are awesome if your single but in a relationship that fun boat has already sailed. Few people are mature enough to just have fun and not let their ego and insecurities rise to the top when dealing with extra people inside the relationship.
I don’t think it’s about maturity. Seems more mature to be into love and connection than into body parts/seeing your partner as a sex object/sex stimulus thing, which is how threesomes typically work. And if women can only get into sex if there’s emotional connection (as is true for many women, if not most) maturity has nothing to do with it.
Men as a whole intertwine love/physical. Everything has a physical portion to men. Love, hate pride everything. There is a reason we like ribbons, ranks, stanley cups etc over just being told we are the best. Our minds are geared to more. Sadly most of it is in pursuit of females.
Watch a guy who is in love talk about there loved ones to others they will mention physical traits and accomplishments over anything else. (Look at the muscles on my Son. He is the top pitcher.) (Look at my wife, Just a beautiful as X) (I earn these rewards for doing X)
Women will understand that but will they care? No. Regardless if your married you should stick to the women you have and never ask for a threesome because just asking will destroy your relationship, Don’t mention it is an interest or that you’ve even do it. For a successful relationship you have to repress everything masculine unless its something beneficial for your wife.
Short Version : Do it if your single because you wife will never accept it under any normal condition and if she does she will use it against you till the day you die.
But it’s not exactly repression because it’s a new fixation that men have learned from watching porn. Which is great for porn ($$$). Create a desire that women don’t enjoy to keep men coming back to the only place where they can get that fantasy.
Your summary at the end said it all. It’s so right on. If you want this, “pay two women to act”. Thanks for another well thought post.
I don’t think a relationship would last after a threesome because it will just cause mistrust and bring something back. For example, the girlfriend allows a threesome but later on wants to have sex with another man because she let this happen before and its only fair she might want to experience another man then.. it can just build mistrust in the long run. Also society has created different beliefs between women and men. It would cause the man to have popularity because he had two women at once yet, if a girl has two men at once or even a women and a men at once they say she is a slut or even that she is bisexual and some people take that the wrong way and judge.
After reading this post, I can’t help but think about my experience with having a threesome. When I was younger, I was all into it. My Boyfriend always requested that we had one. When I finally decided to do it, I looked at complete strangers or just people I knew but weren’t friends with. When we finally got to his house, he was so excited that two women were in his bedroom. In the end, it did not end well for him because he just couldn’t perform when both of us went to him. We ended up breaking up because he thought I was a lesbian or bi for liking it too much.
After that situation, I no longer care for threesomes. Especially in my current relationship. If I was single or in an open relationship, I might consider it again. For my own person opinion, you have to both respect each other, and have an understanding that this is what both people want. A couple must know their limits and perhaps even have some rules to how they want to go about in a threesome.
I can only speak from my own person opinion on this. There is no right or wrong answer. A lot of men might like the idea of having a threesome but then again they only see it in porn. They idolize that woman in porn, when in reality most woman are not like that.
Personally in my eyes, i don’t believe in sharing my boyfriend. I don’t think that its okay for a good relationship to work out with another person on the side. Threesome in a relationship is very hard im sure. Sometimes one person has more feelings for someone else, and all those feelings build up and somehow it can ruin a good relationship between all of them. There really isnt a right or wrong answer to this question, it’s really upon the people who believe that this type of realtionship can work.
I doubt that I could ever share my husband with another women, nor would he feel comfortable sharing me with another man. It may work for someone that does not have that emotional attachment or love for the one person. I have known a few married couples that have tried a threesomes and in both cases their marriages failed. They found it hard to seperate the emotional outcome from the sexual encounter.
If my husband mentioned us having a threesome I would have to question his love for me, as I love my husband enough not to want to share him sexually with anyone else. It’s one thing to see a threesome (fantasize) than to be a participant where there could be alot of emotions going on with in the encounter.
Yeah, the last sentence really resonates with me when it comes to how i feel about threesomes. I don’t think it’s something that should be taken lightly because there can be enough issues between the two in the relationship when it comes to the bedroom. If a woman isn’t enjoying the sex as much as her male partner, I don’t see how adding another women will make it any better for the relationship. If anything, it would make it worse because, like you’ve said, she might be too caught up in worrying about this other woman and how her boyfriend/husband/whatever might feel about the whole thing. I think for a threesome to work, both parties would have to express interest in it. If a woman is agreeing to it just to please her partner, it doesn’t sound like it would be a good experience. If both are open, however, I think it would only enhance their relationship with one another if this is something that they’re both into. Personally, I don’t think I could ever have one if I was in a relationship, but if the couple are both interested in it and can equally enjoy the experience, more power to them!
I believe that most men who want to have threesomes do it just because they might think that “it is the thing to do”. Men want to feel powerfull and on top by saying o yeah ive had a threesome or a couple of them. I also do not think that you can have a healthy relationship with both persons being happy, I believe that most women enjoy the fact of knowing that there is only one person they want to be with and that their partner does too instead of thinking of who else they can get a threesome with. Personally I would not like to share my boyfriend specially not to a “friend”, because a “friend” that does that or wants to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend to me thats NOT a friend maybe they are just being your “friendship” for a reason.
the thought of a three some at one point of course on all guy minds, from the day i remember for some reason..why?! i dont know, but was always taught to be a thing to “brag” about., i would always ask why would that be something to be proud of. I believe all of this goes more towards LOW self discilne and immediate satisfaction. thats what we are taught why question it??
Now regarding to wether the relationship would work or not after the threesome, i think not were is the confortability in that and not mentioning the trust issue after that.
I agree that men do have these dreams of having threesomes with two girls it is also becoming more accepted within media many reality shows you see this happening such as jersey show on MTV the guys are always so excited and proud when they are able to get two girls in bed. Making it seem like an amazing moment and making teen boys want the same thing. As for a relationship I can see why it wouldn’t work girls get very self conscious of themselves and jealous if a wife felt like the other lady was getting more attention the wife wouldn’t be happy specially if she only agreed to it to satisfy her husband. I guess for some couples it works because it brings a twist to their sex life but what are the effects on their sex life after that? What happens if it turns boring do they constantly need to keep going back to the threesomes?
I definitely do not think that a relationship can last with a threesome because some might say that you are opening another door a door in which your mate can soon take a liking to as if you brought another female in the room and maybe you thought she was prettier than you or smarter than you. Maybe your insecure and this will be brought up as an issue. For some relationships a threesome would be awesome but if would have to be something you truly want or need to have in your relationship. I myself would probably give it a try but its something my partner hasn’t asked from me and i have yet to ask of it from him.
I agree that if you have a three some the woman will be more worried about how attractive the other girl is and if her guy likes her more and afterwards will be thinking about the stranger than her. I think it can mess up a relationship because then all a girl will wonder is if he is thinking about someone else. I know i’d like two guys as a three some but i’ve tried fantasizing and i can’t help thinking about my boyfriend more and worried that he’ll think i like the other guy more and it just never works out because of my need to make sure he’s satisfied and feeling like i’m cheating on him when i doubt a threesome with another girl he’ll feel the same way. A guy will enjoy it and then won’t get enough of it and want it again and if his partner doesn’t want to then what’s to stop him from cheating on her? Like mentioned before it is like a buffet and boys have the deadly sin, gluttony while girls have vanity and will be jealous of the third person.
It is a very inspiring post since I had no idea that almost all of the men want to have a threesome when they are in a relationship. As a female, I see sex as one of the expressions of how much I love my lover. Since we should be loyal to each other when we are in a relationship, we should only have one lover, and so as having sex. I think it is one of the important things in a relationship because it shows our respect to our lover. On the other hand, I agree that women do not feel secure when having a threesome, because we may doubt the loyalty of our lover and may not feel confident when compare to the other woman. Also, it may feels like a betrayal because we see how our boyfriend enjoys having sex with other woman on the same bed. Therefore, as I mentioned, having sex with our lover is one kind of the expression of our love, a relationship cannot survive a threesome.
This seems logical. Since we have been raised in a world where woman are suppose to be sexy and more of objects to desire rather than men. We can’t really blame a man whom the world has taught that these ideas are acceptable. And although I find it hard to believe all men in relationships think this way I’m sure they have at least pondered the possibility. Threesomes to me don’t make sense. I feel the article was 1000% correct to the reasons of why a woman would agree to do so. The thought of another womans body in general subconsciously leads me to comparison although I’m not necessarily bothered by it I can under why some people would be. If we lived in a world where all woman had tons of self confidence and loved their bodies I think that would have a huge difference. Even though I have yet to come across a woman in a long term relationship willing to share her mate. Also the thought of why one woman wouldn’t be good and your loved one would consider two is just kind of sad all together. But maybe In a world where we treasure individual people rather than skinny models or actresses will one day change. Threesomes to me are silly and the article clearly states that relationships do not survive it. Therefore why risk the person you love for an unsuccessful night, nothing is as it seems in pornos. Woman should be respected and not pressured to do these things that wouldn’t even sexually satisfy them.
I was interested to learn that all but one of the marriage therapists patients broke up after engaging in a threesome. However, the fact that theses relationships have a low success rate after partaking in a threesome does not surprise me. My opinion is that I do believe a threesome could work if both participants have the same expectations and feelings towards threesomes. I completely agree with the fact that since men tend to be more interested in threesomes and women may be engaging in them to either please their partner or because of pressure from their partner that this could cause relationship failure. Men tend to view sex as a fun and pleasurable experience, whereas women are looking for an emotional connection. Since women and men have different sexual needs, I can see this being another contributing factor to marriage and relationship failure. Although I do believe that in certain situations a relationship can survive after a threesome, I find that it is more common for relationships to fail if both the man and the woman do not have the same feelings towards having a threesome.
I personally think it would be difficult to divide your attention and support like that. Plus, I agree that there will definitely be some sort of internal competition. Such competition might include who is sexier, who gets more attention, or even who is allowed control. Plus I believe it would be difficult if your already in a relationship with one of the members and then you have to divide you attention. It might ultimately be fun as just an experiment, otherwise it would take great dedication to maintain.
Can relationships survive threesomes
Absolutley not!!! I think that a relationship is only for 2 people and 2people only,why bring another person into somehting that is suppossed to be special between two people. One will always have to be wondering why am i not good enough? Is he not attracted to me anymore? Thsi willl breing a thusand questions into mind and will definatley cause problems in a relationship and it will for sure end. Now if your single thats a totally different story ,both men and women want to have fun and do threesomes when single thats completely fine at least this way no one gets hurt they know what they are getting into and its merey just for fun,nothing serious.
All of this is a massive overgeneralization.
Massive overgeneralization how? Which of the following? Or something else?
All but one relationship broke up among a therapist’s clients
More often than not threesomes haven’t worked among my friends or the friends of others
Surveys show that about 3/4 of men, but only about 10% of women want threesomes
If only 10% of women are interested how likely is it that 75% of men are going to have a pleasurable threesome?
They aren’t. And I’d like them to stop feeling bad about not getting something that hardly any men are getting. I’d also like them to know why instead of pressuring partners who, if they aren’t into it, are likely to be distracted in the ways I described. I’d also like disinterested women to know that they aren’t alone and shouldn’t feel pressured by men to do something they find distasteful.
Because of the way males and females are socialized so differently you get average differences which, as here, can be large. Doesn’t mean those differences are innate, or as I said, fit everyone. But if you don’t like the social pattern, don’t shoot the messenger.
It’s interesting to read that only about 10% of women actually want threesomes and it’s no surprise why. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and sharing my boyfriend with a stranger yet alone someone I know. Jealousy would play a big reason. If I’m committed in a relationship then I expect him to only have the desire to want me. Yet for others it can be very possible to keep the relationship in spark after a threesome. Just as long as both partners completely agree, discussed and understand the situation they are getting in to. As far as being single I think it would still be just plain uncomfortable for a lot of women unless she had some sort of connection with the two others in my opinion. Overall if a threesome where to happen it should happen naturally and not over thought. If you’re in a relationship and going back and forth whether a threesome should go down then just let it go and instead enjoy the company of each other.
I think its a dream for most man to have a threesome relationship at least once in a life time and they prefer to have two women involved. But, according to the article, I too, think that a relationship with two women involved won’t survive because women would constantly be worried about the other women that if she’s better, or he likes her better and etc. And I agree that pornography makes this fact look easy and real, however, in real life it’s just not that easy. I talked to a couple guys about this and they seemed really into but they had their pros and cons: pros: it’s like a dream and every guy wants to experience that pleasure. Cons: they want to stay pure; somehow they can’t leave with the bad feelings they would have after all.
This discussion is one that I am beginning to see more of. Whereas in the past a threesome may have been a closeted desire or considered less since internet porn was not around to arouse all sort of new thoughts, it comes down to the decision to act upon the desires. While there are some humans who prefer more than one partner at a time and have no issues with the emotional aspects they are not the majority. As a woman I know I very well may be bogged down with the jealousy and insecurities of having a threesome with my boyfriend and another woman, but does that mean that I am insecure or really I just don’t have the strong relationship with my boyfriend like I thought? If humans were in strong, open and secure relationships would it really be jealously the bogs the experimenting down? Throughout history, especially in Greek and European history, it was extremely common to have multiple partners at a time. I always wonder if this how are are supposed to act as humans and we simply develop our sexual desires based on what our culture tells us to desire.
This is good post! I love how the author compared having sex with the buffet. For the moment everyone is happy.There will be heartbreak in future. Sooner or later a man will want to devote himself to one girl or one of the girls will desire this. That is normal. One girl will be constantly being picked over the other or one person will be being incredibly jealous. Never have a threesome with two girls and a guy! There will always be one girl who feels left out and/or jealous, and it’s awkward afterward when that happens. I’ve personally never had a threesome, as it’s really not something I care to try.
This is all very true as my fella wants to do it with his ex who he still loves he always says to me he loves me more but he still very happy that I agree to do it with his ex as his ex wants him back but im affraid to tell him the truth that I dont want it ruining out relationship up as I no I get jealous x
Maybe you should share this blog post with him so that he will know that it’s very common for threesomes to ruin people’s relationships. So does he care more about the threesome or about the relationship? It’s unlikely that anyone else will agree, either.
I totally agree!!! and i do not think three somes could work, atleast with my own relationship i would never let it pass me! it would make me sick to let my own man look at another women and get pleasure from my man. i know people who have also tried it and it didnt work out as well. Whats the point of being married if your just going to share “yours” with others. When you get married your supposed to be committed to each other. Now if some people do enjoy things like this then thats their business, but like you said most times it doesn’t work! i know if i tried it i would constantly be thinking is she better then me? does my husband/boyfriend enjoy her more than he does me? it would eat me up to death! i give kudos to the couples who have made it, but to me it even sounds impossible!
I could really see this happening more with younger people than with the older ones. typically around 17-late 20′s. i cant even imagine couples any older trying to make such a thing like this work. Im curious to know what is the average age that have tried and havent made it?
I haven’t heard anything about the ages of when it works and when it doesn’t. I would assume that it would be easier if people weren’t in a relationship at all so that you don’t have to have all the worries. Just people who are into sex and who like to experiment.
Among my friends who have tried it it wasn’t the age that made the difference so much is the fact that the person whose marriage is still intact has an open marriage. That said, he said it was very difficult to get the open marriage thing started as his wife was very resistant. Given the level of her resistance I don’t know whether other marriages would make it through.
I also don’t know if they already had children when he brought it (open marriage) up and she was worried about divorcing with children.
But one commenter who is into open marriage was pissed off at my post. Sometimes they work if both members of the couple are equally into it, but that’s hard to do. Here’s a post on that topic:
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?
http://broadblogs.com/2011/07/11/why-hasn%e2%80%99t-open-marriage-caught-on/
This is a very interesting post; I totally agree with the article, I don’t think doing a threesome in a relationship is ever a good idea. Being in a relationship means we are supposed to be commited to our partner, and that our partner should be our enough for us. I think that if a couple is interested in a threesome, it means that one or both of them are not satisfied with their realtionship and they want to do something to spark the realtionship again.
Having a threesome will usually cause jealousy and insecurity, which I think will lead to a loss in trust for your partner. I also think that when a couple is constantly having a threesome with a woman or a man, i think that there is a high chance that the man or the woman will be more likely to cheat because they might think that the person in the threesome gives them more sexual pleasure than their partner themselves and they might think that they will be better off with the third person.
In my opinion, having a three some is for people that are in open relationships. I feel that way because of what i read saying that if its two females and one male, the girls will have insecurities on who is getting more attention, who is hotter or who looks better naked. I think that doing a threesome when your in a relationship is a bad idea because one of the persons in the relationship will feel like they are not pleasing the other person, so therefore they have to get someone else involved in the sexual activity. and a relationship is only for two people to please and love each other as a couple. Which means 2 and no more.
maybe a threesome would be good for an older couple who maybe want to spice up their relationship… maybe! i personally wouldn’t have one with my boyfriend or husband because i believe that it will create chaos in a relationship.