Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?
Here’s a 110 percent true fact: the guy you’re dating has definitely imagined having a threesome with you and the waitress from last night, his hot co-worker, or your best friend.
That’s what John DeVore over at The Frisky says… just before anticipating the feminine response,
Yuck, amiriiiiight?… while you’re squirming over how grossoholic men are, telling yourself “My boyfriend would NEVER want to have a threesome between me and my best friend Megs.”
Over time men have become increasingly enamored of this fantasy, with somewhere between one-third and two-thirds of men now having lusty visions of three-ways. Probably because it’s now a porn staple.
But can a relationship survive a threesome? Some do, but it seems they usually don’t.
A couple of John’s friends gave it a try and neither relationship survived.
A marriage therapist told the Huffington Post that all of her clients who’ve tried it broke up, except one.
A few of my friends have tried it, too. One was disappointed that it didn’t work, meaning not everyone was into it. Another friend doesn’t even want to talk about it. But, another has done threesomes and is still married.
Maybe the failure rate isn’t so surprising given the lopsided interest of men. While up to two-thirds of men want threesomes — almost always with two women, only 10% of women do — and they may well want two men. So women may be more likely to agree to a three-way out of pressure or wanting to please their partners without really being into it.
And whether or not pressure is involved, if a woman is having a three-way with another woman she is likely to be more distracted by worries about the other woman than having an erotic experience. How pretty is this other woman compared to me? How much attention is “she” getting compared to me? What does it mean about how he feels about the relationship? Is he really into me?!!!
Besides that, guys are more easily aroused by body parts, whereas women more often need a deep connection to get into sex. Between the distraction of another person, the worries, and the fact that this is just sex and not connection, it often won’t be so fun for the girl.
But guys don’t always get all that, like this comment on another post:
I’d like to comment on the willingness of female to female sex. Females are traditionally more caring, nurturing and empathetic. Naturally this would carry over in the bedroom, making sure each is highly aroused and satisfied.
Really?!
I guess that’s how it seems in porn.
Mr. DeVore opines:
Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.
Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.
If you want a threesome like those you see in porn you’ll probably have to do what they do in porn: pay a couple of women to act like they’re loving it.
If you’re thinking about a 3-way, you might want to read a post by someone who’s been there/done that, and who has suggestions for what works and doesn’t: Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not.
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Posted on January 28, 2013, in men, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged men, psychology, relationship, sex and sexuality, three-ways, threesomes, women. Bookmark the permalink. 514 Comments.
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This headline caught my attention right away as I am someone who would not have a threesome in my relationship. I have noticed in today’s hookup culture and fast evolving ideas around monogamy and sex, saying I don’t want a threesome with my partner gets me a bit shamed since the current culture is so non monogamous. I enjoyed reading the article and putting together as to why a threesome is appealing to so many men. Almost every man I have encountered, their top fantasy is a threesome. While reading that women usually need a deep connection to get into sex, I felt validated. It was also extremely interesting to hear about how a marriage therapist said the couples who have threesomes never end up working out and thinking about the amount of men that want one. I believe threesomes work but not in a relationship.
Based on the experiences around me, relationships who consider threesomes are couples who are bored with their sex lives or are experincing troubles and are beginning to think outside their bedroom. I do not agree that something like this can fix a rocky relationship. It can seem exciting in the moment to imagine a new experience with your partner but it can lead to more issues within the relationship. It can be a slippery slope depending on the trust there is between each other. If there is not enough trust on both ends, one partner may begin to feel left out and insecure, leading to more troubles in the aftermath of the fun.
It all depends on the relationship and how well the communication is between the two initial partners is. If both parties know what they want and are open enough to discuss what they are truly looking to gain from such an experience as well as talking about how it made them feel afterwards, then it is possible for a relationship to withstand a threesome. I do agree that the majority of couples who do try to engage in a activity that involves a third party will drastically increase the chances that a relationship will fail but if the right conditions are met, things can work out but only through open communication and transparency. The reason I believe they tend to not work out is that a lot of couples will either use the fantasy of a threesome to break way from their partner knowing from the start that they would be totally fine if their partner wasn’t part of the activity due to loss of attraction or feeling like the person you are with currently isn’t who you thought they’d be after all your time spent together. The other reason is that there is without a doubt a pressure put on the person who is being asked if they would like to participate in a threesome. Regardless of their own wishes, their love and need for approval from their partner can cloud their judgment and cause them to cave in a situation where they might have never thought they’d see themselves in. This can lead to a feeling of self-betrayal as well as an identity crisis. with either of those outcomes possible, it’s only natural for a relationship to break apart when going through a tough time. A person would need some space and time for themselves to rediscover who they really are and what their values and principals will be from that point onward.
This topic was interesting. I have obviously heard a lot about threesomes an many different opinions on them. For one, I think if a couple was to try giving a threesome a shot, that the couple would have to be in a really good and stable place first of all. When it comes to single individuals I think it would be much easier to navigate a threesome and the aftermath. It may be easier to give threesomes a try for the first time if you are single, think of it as practice. You may still find yourself stressed and overthinking the act but at least its about you and not you and someone else you love. Plus, you may not have to see those people again unlike your you’ see you partner.
I have had some adventures myself and one of those was indeed a threesome. But not with myself and another woman and a man but me and two men. The agreement was that if the boyfriend would do the 2 guys 3 some with me then I would do the 2 gals and him 3 some. Seemed fair enough and I was game. However, that relationship didn’t survive the 2 guys and me 3 some. He ghosted me shortly after and we never really reconnected- which was kinda sad ‘ cause I was game to try his version of a 3some if for other reason that to try it. Years and years and 2 marriages later I found out via Facebook, of course!, that what really happened was that the boyfriend realized he was bi-sexual and it threw him for loop and for years he blamed me for revealing that to him. He later accepted that about himself but of course there was no going back to a relationship after more than a decade.
What I’ve found about adventures is that regular people often discover things about themselves they weren’t prepared to find out and you never get a chance to develop a relationship around those adventures. The other thing I learned is that fantasy and reality are two very different things and anything more complicated than vanilla sex kinda needs to be practiced in order for reality to live up to the fantasy.
Thank you for sharing your story on this.
I have thought this question myself about trying it and while I would not be 100% against it, I don’t think I would want to do it. I have never asked my boyfriend if he was interested and I am not going to be the one to bring it up. I agree with the part of the blog saying that women would not be able to enjoy it because they would be worried about what their boyfriend is doing and then when the whole thing is done, if he is still attracted to her or if the sex was better with the other female. I think if I was single and was offered to be a part of a threesome I would say yes because there are no ties to anyone there and I would not have to worry about someone else. I also don’t think most relationships would last after this, yes there is something where you can enjoy seeing your partner have sex with someone else but most of the times men enjoy seeing that more than women.
I agree with the marriage therapist on how most women don’t want a threesome and just do it to make their partner happy. And I believe that’s why the relationship doesn’t last after. The woman becomes disgusted with the man and ashamed of herself. It can cause the women to over think about how long he’s been wanting one? Will he want another? Is he secretly going to start seeing the other woman ? It just causes unnecessary stress for the woman. Personally I would never have a threesome because I wouldn’t want to share my s/o, I get jealousy easily, I am not attracted to women and I wouldn’t force myself to do it. If my s/o asked me for one I would be offended and probably leave him. Most of the women I know probably wouldn’t agree to one either.
Great article, and I feel like it is definitely accurate.
Like the marriage therapist said that almost 0 relationships survive these types of events. I personally knew a couple that tried swinging, the wife was mostly forced into it knowing that if she said no it would be the end of their marriage anyway. So she thought “why not give it a try!”. Well it ended in divorce anyway after she tried.
I know there are relationships that can survive these types of lifestyles, but I feel like this is something that has to be discussed before getting married or serious. You can’t just spring these types of things on a partner and expect them to go along willingly with it. I am not saying there is anything wrong with these types of relationships, they’re just different that is all.
I think that like the article mentioned men are definitely more interested in threesomes than women, not saying that some women aren’t. But when it comes down to actually sharing their partner or wife they aren’t interested in that. That is why most men are into the 2 women threesomes and not into the 2 men threesomes with their woman partner.
Also as mentioned it always looks good in porn, but that is because they are getting paid to at least look like they are enjoying it. They don’t have to actually enjoy it, they are just there for the money.
Maybe if your relationship is 100% solid to start with and both of you are equally driving the curiosity and arrangements, otherwise hell no. I had a few while nicely anonymous on vacation with my now ex bf, which the third person was paid for. He continued to want more of these and while I was still ok with exploring this once in a while under the same circumstances of being anonymous far from home, he started to want them in more of a real life situation for the ego boost of having other people want to sleep with him organically. We did so with another woman a couple of times, after which he continued to text and carry on a friendship with this person to get more attention from the shiny new thing while withdrawing more and more from me. He informed me he was “worried we were running out of time to do stuff like this before we were just creepy old people” (low 40’s) then 6 weeks after that experience he promptly started having a physical affair with a coworker and later left me to explore “ethical non monogamy” with this woman who he is in love with, and both of them now are on every hookup app there is soliciting threesomes and more, while they both also have sex with other people alone. Run from people obsessed with this fantasy is my advice. It’s the devil’s equivalent of Pandora’s box no matter what they tell you about wanting it to be a shared experience. You will feel like it’s an excuse to F other people while trying to make it seem consensual, trust me. And it probably is.
I don’t think majority of relationships could survive a threesome. I have had a few threesomes and never have those individuals been a person that was a significant other. I truly believe threesomes only work if you are looking for casual sex and not a more intimate situation. It would be too difficult at least for me not to feel insecure later on that my girlfriend may have liked that person more or still fantasizes about them. I don’t believe it’s a situation that’s worth the trouble it may cause. However, I can’t say that every relationship is the same I’m sure as a lesbian woman my viewpoint may be different than others.
My wife and I have been happily married for almost 21 years. We’re both in our late 40s and she’s an MD and I’m a VP where I work. We have kids. About 4 years into our marriage, we decided we wanted to do a threesome. The seed was planted when about a year after getting married we went to a strip bar with friends and my wife got really turned on watching me get a lap dance. I was shocked that she was open to a threesome and it was an ongoing point of discussion for the next few years as worked through the big questions. Finally, we decided that we’d try one but it would have to be no-strings-attached. So we hired an escort. She was 23 years-old and incredibly hot! Though we were very nervous and it was awkward at first, it was an amazingly fun time! My wife even let the escort go down on her even as my wife isn’t bisexual or even bi-curious. Over the next 5 years, we hired at least a few dozen more escorts for threesomes and over those 5 years had a lot of threesome sex. A few rules we set from the start:
1) Escorts had to be beautiful.
2) Only female escorts. We did on one occasion bring in a female and male escort (a package deal if you will) and the male escort did have sex with my wife and it was very uncomfortable for her.
3) We as the couple had to be the center of attention. I could have sex with the escort but it had to be at the direction of my wife.
4) The escort could pleasure my wife but my wife didn’t have to pleasure her.
5) No photos/videos.
After we had kids, the escort threesomes pretty much came to a screeching halt. But we did had another threesome about three years ago with a very high-end escort and it was fun but at the time we were both about 44 years-old and the escort was 22. It was kind of awkward. We haven’t had a threesome since but we are talking about it and have agreed any escort we bring into our bedroom should be at least 30.
If both partners agree to some ground rules, I think it’s all good.
Thanks for sharing with others what works for you.
Like others have pointed out on here, I think the impact of a threesome on a relationship mostly depends on the level of stability the relationship holds prior to the threesome taking place. Partners who hold a deep trust in each other, are honest, and meet each other’s physical and emotional needs are in my opinion, most likely to have a strong enough relationship to withstand a threesome. Sex between people in a monogamous relationship is very intimate and an important aspect to the relationship. It is easy to understand why many are very hesitant or opposed to sharing moments like this with an added person, there are lots of emotions surrounding it regardless of how stable the relationship is. Like the blog stated, men are more likely to base sexual desire off of looks. While women need an emotional connection to want to have sex. A relationship that is not as healthy as it can be, feelings of insecurity can come up and complicate things further more. A good step for couples to take before deciding to have a threesome would be to have a serious and honest talk about what they are looking for out of it, and discuss each person’s doubts. This way, each person comes to a consensus and a clear understanding of what each other wants.
After reading this, I understand why many couples wouldn’t survive a threesome, as a male, if I were to get into a relationship with another person and was allowed to engage in such activities, I’d probably say no; out of respect for my partner but might still fantasize about it later on. A Lot of males tend to fantasize about what kind of situations we can find ourselves in; which is probably due to how unrealistic porn is. Although we might not think about how our partners would feel about participating in a threesome. Reading this helped me put into perspective how a woman could feel bad about herself if she and her partner had sex with another person.
Thanks. I’m glad to hear the post was helpful.
I found this article to be very interesting. It reminded me of what my friend said on his perspective of threesomes and I quote,” If a guy really likes you or loves you, he won’t want to share you with anyone else”. I don’t know if this applies to all men, but I know as a women, if I was going to have a three some, I wouldn’t be open on sharing my husband, because I wouldn’t want to see him with anyone else. But I know everyone is different, for example another friend of mine was told by his gf that she didn’t mind if he slept with someone else as long as she knows about it. He says she said that because the only person he has been with is her and she wants him to experience other women. I asked him if he would actually sleep with somebody else and he stated that he wouldn’t sleep with another women because he doesn’t want her to maybe use that as an excuse to sleep with another guy if it every came up. I guess I’m a little different, if I was my husband first, I still wouldn’t want him to sleep with anyone else. I know my relationship won’t survive.
This was a very interesting blog. I would agree that women tend to be more emotional, looking for a connection with someone. The connection also occurs in the bedroom and intimacy with a partner. While one-night stands occur (which is another topic), they are mostly accepted by males. In my opinion males do not always want intimacy or connection, they simply want a release. Threesomes fulfill some type of fantasy for a male. While there are females who willingly participate in threesomes, I believe more men fantasize and seek out the opportunity of a threesome. I could also understand why most relationships do not last after a threesome occurs. As exciting as the thought might initially be the aftermath may not be very exciting. Emotions, connections, thoughts, jealously, fear all come into play after a threesome. A relationship as strong as it was before a threesome may not be able to sustain the effects after a threesome.
This is a really interesting topic to discuss and I think the right answer lies somewhere between “it depends” and “whatever all parties involved are comfortable with”. There are some pretty significant groups that are more sexually promiscuous or more open to open relationships and I think that in recent years there’s been an increase in these populations or perhaps an increase in people’s willingness to share that they belong to these groups. In some contexts, I think that this could be sexually empowering for both members in a relationship, whereas for some couples, participating in these types of activities would erode or completely break the trust that the relationship is built upon. I think that Mr DeVore’s quote is perhaps a little too generalistic when describing men: the idea of a threesome, in relationships where it works, is one that is heavily discussed and always agreed upon beforehand. To me, a “successful” threesome — one that doesn’t strain or break the relationship — isn’t based on gluttony, but rather based on a mutually accepted idea.
Well, that’s his perspective, put humorously. But it’s not everyone’s perspective.
I do not think a relationship would survive a threesome, but I don’t think it is impossible either. I believe there has to be a special dynamic for it to work but even then, still complicated. As mentioned above, and I agree that it is much more challenging more women to truly enjoy sex and adding another person, especially another female may complicate things even more. In this situation, I think communication is key before, during and after. Also, are there ways to ease into the idea? Or ways to build up to it? Would it make a difference if a couple participated in two threesomes, one female and two males and then another with two females and one male? I think it would be interesting to test out both to see if the couple had a preference and their differences.
I don’t think a relationship can survive a threesome, because if the guy is actually committed to you, I believe his feeling would be involve too. I asked my bf, “would you ever have a threesome?” and he said no. I asked him why not and he said because feelings would be to involve. I asked him to explain what he meant by that and he told me that he felt it would bother him because he wouldn’t know if maybe I thought he had more feeling for the other girl or if it was vice versa, he didn’t know if I would get emotional involve with the other person. I asked one of my guy friends also if he would have a threesome, he said if it was with a girl he just met or not that serious he would but if it’s someone he sees a future with than no he wouldn’t, he also told me no guy who loves and respect his partner would want another guy touching her or let another guy see her naked. I started to think this might be true because I wouldn’t want no other girl touching my bf. But if I didn’t care about him like I do, maybe I wouldn’t really care because I’m not as committed.
This is an interesting topic to read about and when I think about it it makes a lot of sense. Ive been with my boyfriend for three years now and every once in a while he’ll make a joke about it and the thought of it makes me nervous especially since I know that he isn’t joking. The thought of it makes me nervous because I start thinking about well what if he likes her better, what if she’s better looking, or am I not doing something right that he needs someone else to make things more exciting and those are just a few things. I personally can’t go out and have sex with with people I don’t have a connection with let alone may barely know. If this were to happen I don’t think our relationship would last very long after that. To me being in a relationship is being committed to one another and only each other. This would make me nervous in thinking that he may also think that if I can have sex with my girlfriend and this other girl its ok to go have sex with her separately and have the feeling of potentially being replaced and thats my biggest fear in being in a relationship is being replaced.
Yes, this is something that should be done only if both partners are into this kind of thing. Otherwise it can be very dangerous for the relationship.
Threesomes are what you make them. Being intimate with one person can come with lots of pleasure but can also bring about many insecurities. You’re not only physically naked in front of someone but you are also emotionally naked. That is, vulnerable and trusting that the person you are intimate with is trustworthy, and adding another person to the equation (whether male or female) comes with a complexity of emotions, needs, and insecurities. So if any couple is to want to explore a threesome, it would be imperative to understand all of the challenges that can arise. It is important to understand that, although, porn may portray a threesome as a fantastic experience, at the end of the day it is just entertainment and not reality. One of the comments by a reader says “Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one!” I would like to add that humans in general want more of something they enjoy. Women may like many shoes, or who knows, many men, too, but they may not feel comfortable because it is taboo for women to express their sexual needs/ desires. However, this doesn’t mean that the desire isnt there. If you are going into a threesome with the hope that your relationship will “survive” then perhaps it’s not a good call. I think threesomes should be treated with great caution and there should be open and honest communication from all parties involved with regards to what they want to achieve with the experience to avoid disappointments.
As humans, we can’t get enough of anything. Like this blog says, we want more and more and more. When it comes to sex, men want more in a woman than they already have. The problem is, women get so caught up in how they look when they’re having sex in the first place so having another body to look at makes it harder for the woman to actually enjoy the threesome. In the blog “I Feel Sexy, But I Don’t Feel Pleasure”, the focus is about women worrying about the way that they look rather than focusing on the actual intimacy between their partner and receiving pleasure. So in the case of the threesome, instead of the woman focusing on how they look, they’re focused on the other woman in the threesome and how much attention/how she looks rather than the actual pleasure. This brings up a lot of insecurities which is most likely why relationships fail after having one.
Well, and potential for jealousy generally too.
It works for some couples but men are more likely to be interested in this sort of thing than women are.
My husband wouldn’t leave me alone about it. So i finally gave in. I was ok but he wanted one of my friends. So we were all sitting there playing cards and he says out the blue to her i am just going put it on the table cause i am a man. I have wanted you for 6 years i wanted this. I looked up and i tried to say something but nothing would come out. Before it happed i set boundaries. And they didn’t follow not one then i am sitting there basically while he was doing everything i have ever wanted him to do to me to her. He wanted nothing to do with me except give him oral sex. Then we go to sleep and he rolls over and holds her. Then the next morning he woke up and looked over to see if i was asleep and had sex with her again. Now i can’t even look at him. Worst mistake of my life. I am ready to throw in 14 years.
I am so, so sorry to hear about this experience. But thank you for sharing it. The lack of empathy and consideration is mind-boggling.
I recommend taking a look at this blog post:
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
Men think they have more power over women when they have a three some. Although it seems like a good thing to do in a relationship if it’s going wrong. But in reality it makes things worse. Because there’s always a chance one might get pregnant or catch an STD if they are not being careful during their intercourse. Or like the one partner might not feel as affectionate because the other two are paying attention to one another more than the group. Although we don’t know if the relationship will last or not they need to be considerate to one another and make sure it’s the right thing to do because if one isn’t feeling it that will cause the relationship to break apart. Such acts need not only by all three parties be acknowledged about what is going to happen but feel comfortable with each other to commit passionately to their actions.
personally i don’t think i would ever enjoy a 3-some. i would feel self conscious not only about myself but in my relationship also. it would have me thinking like am i not good enough?. i could see why it would attract people who want to experiment, however i think porn can be a bad influence b.c it puts a negative effect on perception.
I’m married and I would not personally enjoy a threesome. I would not only feel self-conscious about myself but also insecure in my relationship. I can see how it could attract people who want to experiment who are not monogamous. I think porn can have a negative effect on perception and boundaries are important to communicate. I know someone who had a threesome and afterward felt like she was forced to do something she wasn’t comfortable with and it had a negative effect on her self esteem and relationships. Consent and communication are very important in situations like this. I could personally never have a threesome but respect everyone’s right to choose. In my relationship, we have other focuses like our future of building a family and this is definitely not something that would fit into our relationship or life. Regardless of what people do, it’s their choice and consent should come first.
I have never had a threesome and I do not think I would enjoy it, but this article was really interesting to read. The comments incorporated in the article are also interesting, especially the one from Mr. DeVore. His comment about how men are gluttons and constantly want more is extremely surprising to me because I heavily disagree with that! That categorization of men is honestly gross in my opinion, and extremely immature. I believe that your sex life should be your sex life, and if a couple decides they want to introduce a new body into the bedroom then that is their right, as long as everyone consents to the situation. I also think men do not understand that women get horny too. I have multiple female friends who have discussed how they wish they could have MMF or MFF threesomes, but they do not know how to bring up the conversation with their partners. It is ridiculous that craving a sexual act brings stereotypical restrictions onto both of the biological sexes.
I think may of the people commenting on here have never had a threesome. I respect everyone’s opinion on here, all thought it seams like the men are being demonized at times. As a woman who was married for ten years to the same guy we had very strong relationship that involved sharing our life with other women. I loved it. I’d say it made us stronger. I have posted on here before,
Well, many people are commenting even though they haven’t had a threesome because they don’t want to have one but they do have an opinion. I’m guessing that there are many things that you don’t want to do and haven’t tried doing and yet you still have an opinion. Maybe you don’t want to demonize immigrants, but you still have an opinion that you wouldn’t want to demonize them. Or maybe There is a certain type of porn that doesn’t sound appealing to you and you don’t have any interest in trying it to find out, yeah you could still make the comment that you don’t think you would like it. Maybe it’s porn with women being harmed in someway.
That doesn’t mean that threesomes won’t work for some people, as I noted in the blog post. I do have a friend who had a threesome and he is still married. And I posted another piece by someone who likes them so long as there are rules.
But I don’t know what about this blog could be seen as demonizing men. Please give me an example. I do complain about patriarchy, but that’s different. There are both women and men who are patriarchal and women and men who are feminist. Patriarchy and men are not the same thing.
I believe if a man that you are with truly loves you he would not want that I’m in this predicament now and it’s a no-go for me but he said he would be okay with me having a threesome with another man and him I don’t want that I’m on one person man I also think it’s very disrespectful of your partner to ask you of that to me my opinion I don’t think a man truly loves you if he wants that there’s no way
This is a difficult topic and I agree that threesomes are not something healthy for most relationships. Some relationships are open and have discussed things like this before they became a couple. If everything is clear, then it may work out because both sides have said that they are okay with the idea. However as much as threesomes themselves can ruin a relationship, I believe asking your partner for a threesome can be just as ruining. In most cases, how would it seem to ask them to have a threesome? Their mind immediately wonders if they are good enough themselves or if there a specific person in mind. One partner may say yes only because they think it would keep them together, and that saying no would cause their partner to leave for someone else. Lots of questions can come into someones mind when asked about a threesome. These questions can definitely end a relationship unless both partners are open and honest with each other.
With marriages in America changing so much from what they used to be 25-100 years ago, it does not surprise me that this is a hot topic. I think more and more people are beginning to allow themselves to abandon a cookie-cutter styled American marriage. As a 21 year old the idea of marriage is currently frightening to me. Marriage signifies the end of someone’s sexual exploration because they have committed themselves to their partner. This act of committing yourself sexually to one person for the rest of your time seems, biologically, not natural. Although humans have obviously evolved tremendously since we lived uncivilized lives, I believe that our natural genetically driven drive for sex still greatly influences our decisions. This drive leads people to be aroused by people that may not be their committed partner, especially after a long time of being married. Also the vast amount of pornography and sex scene in media is certainly encouraging peoples natural sexual drive. Overall, I think this idea of someone in a relationship being interested in having a three-some is normal. I think for a traditional marriage or relationship it may cause heaps of trouble and that is just a consequence to be considered by the couple, and especially someone that is pushing their partner to do this.
What stood out for me while reading this blog was when it indicated that, “…two-thirds of men now having lusty visions of three-ways. Probably because it’s now a porn staple.” I agree that porn has a lot to do with it but it also got me thinking about how this came about. Then, polygyny came to mind; which is when a man has more than one wife. Practice of polygyny appeared to be common practice in ancient times and can even be found in many religious texts such as the Bible, Quran, and Rig Veda. Today, some countries have outlawed polygyny, like the United States, but other societies still practice it. I find that a threesome and polygyny are interrelated because both are ultimately about power and privilege. The more powerful and wealthier the man, the more sexual access he has. I view that a relationship can survive a threesome if a couple is in an open and honest relationship but having known people who have done it, none of their relationships lasted.
I suspect that polygyny arose because men tend to be the Warriors and would die and then there would be extra women. Plus the successful Warriors would bring women back and wed them.
Which is entirely different from women liking the practice. The Koran allows men to have 4 wives but women surveyed in the middle east disliked polygyny very much.
I also have a friend who wrote a book which was based on research of early Mormon women’s journals (Mormons used to practice polygamy but don’t anymore – except for the fundamentalists). He titled the book “in sacred loneliness.“ Because he found that the women were very lonely. There was jealousy. It wasn’t easy.
What I would have said in the past is that a threesome can destroy your relationship but now my answer would be that it might save your relationship. This would be the case if your partner and you were into this type of sexual game. If one of you wasn’t really sure about it then you guys might not be ready for that step. Some relationships consist of loyalty meaning there can’t be another person in their relationship expect them two. Nowadays there are relationships that are open relationship meaning that you can be with as many people as you would like at the same time. Relationships can be complicated at times so people might spice things up by adding more people in the relationship, but that can also lead to breakups. Relationships can survive a threesome if both parties have agreed to this and are sure that a threesome can help both of you.
After reading this blog, no a relationship of mines could and would never make it through a threesome, why? Because I do not like to share, an I will not like sharing my body. My body is something that I would like to share with someone that I love, or that I
‘am in a relationship with. This article also states that most relationships do not make though, why? men see having a threesome it as a way to have their cake and eat it. Women, on the other hand, would have a hard time connecting with her spouse or the other female. This article also talks about how most men would not want himself and another man having sex with his spouse. Most of the views in the blog I would have to agree with I would not like seeing my partner with other women or would I feel decent having sex with anyone outside of my relationship.
Women tend to look at themselves while having sex to assesrt themselves that they look hot. A woman always has some secrets, and a relationship is based on trust of both partners. A threesome always include a third person. Not every woman is ready to be exposed to a stranger, indeed if it’s another woman. The presence of another woman only acts like a barrier because as far as we know, women are jealous and possessive human being. They always need attention and “flowers”. A threesome is the opposite of that; People do it most of the time because they want to have fun. That’s why most of the relationships don’t survive to that. They are just complete opposite to each other.
We can find the “Alpha” and “Beta” idea here. A woman always wants to be the alpha, in this case, the center of attention. That’s why they might prefer “Beta” type of men because they always want to stay in control of them.
Well, I doubt that women are any more possessive and jealous than men are. I know of some women whose partners were pushing them for a threesome found that their husbands or boyfriends were not the least interested in a threesome with two men and her.
Women do seem to be more desirous of emotional connection. Maybe because women are socialized to prefer that in a sexual situation whereas men are not. And that said, men still prefer emotional connection to just sucks – most men anyway.
The main reason women are focused on themselves is because women are taught that they are the object of attraction within the relationship. See this: https://broadblogs.com/2015/09/28/women-making-love-to-themselves/
Me and my friends prefer betas because they are kinder and more thoughtful people.
Personally i do not believe relationships can handle a threesome due to insecurities and jealousy. I totally agree that men fantasize about this, but its just a dream that may not be good for a relationship. If jealously and insecurities are things that couples struggle with, adding a third party will only alter these things. This will only result in confusion and unhappiness, due to the actual intentions the partner who wanted to include a third party. Is their significant other not enough for them to want to include a third person. It is just very messy and can lead to unnecessary drama that can easily be avoided. Trust will be broken, if more time is spent on the third person than the partner. It is a gateway to change and maybe ruin relationships because it will never be the same after that. Including another partner isn’t directly cheating, but can open the door to lead to it.
This topic is something that had never crossed my mind on a personal level. But as I read this I came across something that caught my eye that it said “men love threesomes, partly for the same reason, we love all-you-can –eat buffets.
This made me think of us as human beings and being “greedy” clearly, we all know that having more of something can cause problems. When it comes to having another partner or even a buffet. But we try to figure out how to have more without having problems.
Being a woman and having my husband ask me for a “three some” is completely out of my comfort zone and for my I think the problem would be what if my husband would like this other person more than being with me and in the long run ruin our marriage. It makes things very complicated and I personally would feel like I would lose my trust.
This is a very complicated subject to me, i have been married for 10 years, and my husband keeps pressuring me for threesomes and so i decided yesterday to part ways, i just cannot handle it one more time, yes, i have done it twice already and both times were horrible, i did not have a good time at all but i did it to please his desires, but never have i done it nor will i ever do it again, i am just not going to put myself through that ever again, because i simply love mw first, i am a strong woman and i rather get divorced then going through it ever again especially since he does not stop pressuring me to do so like if i waa going to give in and his excuse is that he gives me everything i ask for and he feels so offended that he has been asking me for a threesome and i keep saying NO, which offends him because he says it is the fact that he has been asking for so long and i cant satisfy him, i feel so offended my gosh i just want to slap him because he is being a manipulator and so i finally realized i go first, simple as that, and how dare he even be offended that i said no, when i already said yes twice, he just does not understand the fact that i have never asked him to compromise his moral i
And belief in order to please me, yet i did compromise mines 2 times to please him and yet he is offended, what a waste of 10 years.
So sorry you’ve had to go through this. But better late than never. You might be interested in this:
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
PS: I wonder how open he would be to a threesome with another man?
This topic has came up for me a lot in my past relationships. For me, the thought of it just made me insecure. It wasn’t the thought of sleeping with a women that made me uncomfortable, but the thought that my partner would like her better. This caused a lot of issues for me in my relationship because my partner kept on insisting it making me feel like I wasn’t enough for him and that he wanted more. I’m sure it could work for some relationships, as long as your partner gives you confidence and there is trust between both parties. It’d probably work out better if the women was bisexual, otherwise it’s entirely for the male partner’s entertainment, which also isn’t healthy for the other partner. It’s not surprising for me that most relationships that have tried it don’t work out, as I have been in that place before. For those who it does work out for, what is your advice for someone who is open to the possibility, but scared of the aftermath of their relationship?
The author has some great points; one that made me laugh but rings true is this comment:
Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.
I do get the idea that men tend to want more and more. The drive for more money, more food, more sex could be a callback to our hunter-gatherer days. Tying back to this topic, I don’t think I could ever do a three-way. Reading some of the comments of people who have done a three-way, more power to them if they are able to keep their relationship going. And for the ones who don’t see their significant others in the same light before the three-way, I’m really sorry you tried to do something new but it backfired. I really do think that trying to keep things interesting and fresh in the bedroom is key to a sustainable and happy relationship, but I think its something that you can only share intimately with one other person. Adding another person into the mix just makes things VERY complicated. Jealousy and envy can drive anyone mad, even if they shouldn’t be jealous or envious of the third partner.
Well been dating my girlfriend for 6 month now ask her for m.f.m threesome with my bro! Best friend! She agreed! But she did not want both of us on her at the same time! We rented double bed hotel! I payed in one bed my friend payed in the other! I thought I was very excited it was going down! She would do me as my friend watch and I would do the same! Well her favorite position is facing me while I suck her breSt and she rides! Awesome! Took me bout 10-15 mins to nut! As my friend watch! Now it was his turn she got up and went over to the other bed! I noticed my buddy was much bigger than me! No issues! She assume her favorite positions and starts riding as I watch! Well 5 min! 10 mins 15mins 20mins went by! As she started sweating and riding harder and harder! I started to feel a little jealous because they were having long sex not looking like it was gonna end no time soon! And she was enjoying more and more! I just said ok enough it’s time to stop now! Was kinda mad! Maybe because I couldn’t last longer than 15mins and they were at it for 35 mins already! Or the she was sweating and enjoying it! And I could not make her sweat with me! It was terrible! I’m looking at her differently now! Idk! Would never do it agian!
Thanks for sharing your experience with this.
In my opinion, I think the decision of a threesome depends on the couple. There’s 100% trust in my relationship, but personally, I don’t think I’d be able to participate in a threesome because I wouldn’t like seeing or even knowing that my boyfriend is being intimate with another woman. I guess if a couple decides to have a threesome, they would both have to be completely secure and stable in their relationship and they’d both have to be open to doing things to “spice it up” in the bedroom. However, I still think that having a threesome would open up to more issues, there might be situations in which you and your partner could develop feelings for the other person; this can lead to a big problem in your relationship. It also doesn’t seem as if it would be a good idea considering that a marriage therapist has even said that the majority of her clients who tried a threesome eventually broke up. If you’re single or in an open relationship and looking to experience one, then that’s entirely your choice, but I believe that relationships may become rocky if you bring threesomes into the mix and it wouldn’t be the best option.
Having a threesome is not for everyone. As stated in the article, most women aren’t into it. As someone who has participated in threesomes in a relationship and when single, you have to be a very strong couple and even stronger individuals to be able to add a third person to the mix when in a relationship or doing it with people who are in a relationship. It’s a bit different if you are just a single person looking for fun with other single people. I don’t entirely agree that women need to feel a deeper connection when we engage in sexual acts with someone, because for myself and some other women I know sometimes sex is just sex. Porn has played such a big and unrealistic role in how men seem to want sex now. It causes these expectations on women that just aren’t right or normal. Most women don’t want to do, or find pleasure in what is showed in porn, and let’s not forget those women are being paid to do those things anyway. It’s easy to fake an orgasm when you’re being paid for it. Again threesomes aren’t for anyone, women shouldn’t be pressured into it. And if there is an agreement their needs to be extensive talks between all the partners so that everyone is on the same page and gets the same enjoyment, not just the man.
The reason why it’s more common for women to need an emotional attachment – And there is research that says this — is probably more sociological than biological. Women and men are trained very differently when it comes to sexuality.
I cannot state whether or not threesomes work or not, however, it is my strong opinion that it absolutely does not work. My judgment is that usually when people in a relationship want threesomes, there is an underlying reason that might be problematic if they are into that. I personally have no interest in getting intimate with anyone other than the partner I am emotionally involved with so it is very difficult for me to accept it as normal. I also usually look for a partner with the same values and views. For example, I make it clear that I am strictly monogamous and want the same from my partner. If they have views that it is okay to be polyamorous or that they would not like to be exclusive, then I do not involve myself with them in a relationship. I understand that people typically have different sexual needs, desires, preferences however I have a very hard time understanding why a person might be interested in that.
I personally feel that a threesome in a serious relationship would not work. Insecurities, mistrust, jealousy and many more negative emotions would arise. It would make me question my partner and make me feel like i’m not good enough. I have heard of stories from friends and while I am listening to these stories, the ones told by men seem to be bragging about their 3 way with two women. Compared to the stories told by women that have had a threesome with two men. The women felt guilty and expressed that they felt like “sluts.” So why is it that men feel proud and women seem to feel guilty? Even though a threesome is not something I would want to do in my relationship, I am sure not only men have had this as a fantasy. Maybe if society wasn’t so hard on women for also having the means to feel pleasure, then maybe women would come out to this idea more broadly.
I believe that it would take a lot of effort to make a relationship with three people work. Most people now a days are already so busy and find it hard to give their one partner affection and time. With three people, I think it would be harder to distribute your attention. If a relationship is to be successful there would need to be a lot of communication between the three individuals. Also, I think that if there are two women and one man, there may be a high chance that there might be disagreements due to jealousy. Being a woman I know that it would be very difficult to share your man. I think that during the threesome would suffer a lot of fights and would mostly consist of drama. I think the fun and the pleasure would also be minimized in this relationship. I think that threesomes can work for people who are not in a relationship because it would just be casual sex.
I think it really depends on the people and how secure they are with themselves. If one is secure with themselves then it is possible to not have any jealousy involved and for the threesome to be successful. I personally do not think I would be able to have a threesome because much like the blog says most women feel, I would also question my partner and their views towards me. I think really the most successful threesomes would come from a group of people where two of them were not in a committed relationship. All of those insecurities and possible trust issues is not something that would be need to be worried about. At the end of the day, if the two people have a trusting and healthy relationship, then it is possible to have threesomes and not have everything fall apart.
In my opinion it depends on why the couple wants to have one in the first place, but I do think a strong relationship can survive a threesome if the lines are clear cut about what’s about to happen and both parties understand the boundaries. There must be good communication and rules if any so that everyone is comfortable and that fantasy can turn into a reality. I personally have only saw situations where they don’t last because the opportunity was brought on for the wrong reasons and eventually it surfaces, some people look to invite others in sexually because they aren’t being satisfied in the first place. If this is the reason then most definitely it won’t work after because the interaction will probably show during intercourse that your more satisfied and interested sexually with the other person. Then there’s the flip side where your very happy and satisfied in your relationship and maybe it’s a special occasion and you both agree that it’s time to spice things up a little and go for it. I personally don’t feel like it’s acceptable at all because if you can please 2 people then why not put all the energy into 1 and not worry about potential problems later down the line.
I personally don’t think I could survive a threesome in my relationship and continue life as if nothing happened. However, I do think it depends on the person and how they handle their emotions and how significant their relationship is to them. I’m a very emotionally connected person and in my head sexual activities only occur between two people who have an intimate connection. Having a third person interact in sexual activities with my partner and I shows that maybe the connect is not strong enough and someone else has to come a fill that hole that is missing. If my partner is thinking about doing something with someone else than I have already lost him and the relationship is already over. One should never do something their uncomfortable doing just to “please” your partner and if your partner really cared about you they also wouldn’t pressure you to do something you don’t want to do. This topic can be very controversial between genders and their is no correct answer it’s just a matter of the respect you have towards each other’s feelings and opinions.
Another thing I find interesting about this post is the assertion that men get more out of physical situations and women get more out of emotional situations used as an argument on why men are more attracted to, wanting, and feel better about threesomes. The implication is that threesomes are inherently lacking emotional depth, thus not interesting to women. While getting a third person to come into your relationship, jump the bones of everyone involved, and then walk off into the sunset IS an option..it isn’t the only one. I have gone on dates to meet other women with my main partner. We talk about if we like this person. How we feel about them…There is build up and courting and attachment involved…maybe not romantic attachment, but there’s a foundation of comfort. The difference is between one night stands or sex with someone you trust and are comfortable with. Some people get a lot out of the former, but not many would argue that subsisting on just that would be healthy. The latter is possible in threesomes, it just takes time to build. I don’t think that is time many people are willing to commit, and I’d argue that is a big reason why threesomes fall flat for so many relationships.
Some people can get this to work. But it’s very common that wants there’s a threesome the “partner“ because ignored. And even if they aren’t ignored they commonly get distracted, thinking about how much attention they are getting compared to the other person, how each of them looks in the eyes of the others, etc.
I surveyed my students and 2/3 of the women said they commonly get distracted worrying about how they look or what they are doing. Probably because we socialize girls from a young age to think of themselves as sex objects that objects of desire for other people. And they commonly feel they come up short. Put that into a threesome situation and it’s not going to work out well.
All this probably has a lot to do with why men are much, much more likely to want to threesome then women are.
Personally I believe a threesome, for a committed couple would not work. I agree that if I were to have a boyfriend and we had a threesome, I would over think everything. Like is he enjoying sex with her, her body is better, was he finishing because of her. I dated a guy that I found out was addicted to porn, I got so jealous and felt not good enough. Because my body would never be as nice as a porn star, I could never compete. I could not handle it, when we had sex again the entire time I was wondering is he picturing another girl in his mind during this. How could he even be attracted to me in the first place when apparently he only watches porn of blonde girls and I am brunette. So just I know that any relationship I have had or will have, will never survive a threesome due to my insecurities and views on a committed relationships.
I think that relationships can survive threesomes because I participated as a third party to a married couple for an extended amount of months (while I was single) and they are still happily married. The most interesting take-away that I got from this situation was that communication really is key. The couple had an amazing relationship and had invited others into their relationship for one time rendevous. Since our relationship was on-going and I often saw the husband without his wife I became worried about how to interact with him and the appropriateness of my conversations, etcetera. One day, I decided to ask the wife what was “appropriate” and she told me, “Do whatever feels right to you. If you overstep, he will let you know.” Her justification was that their commitment was to each other and I shouldn’t be the one to uphold the rules. If I felt like doing or saying something, I should and he would tell me if I’d overstepped. She ultimately left the responsibility of fidelity was with them, and not me. Our relationship continued until I started dating someone seriously. With that being said, now that I am married I can’t imagine inviting a third into my marriage!
I would agree with the idea that this wouldn’t work. Mainly because it is like a commentator saying that it may be a good idea to try but know that it’s really not. It is already hard enough to be in a relationship where a couple can have a deep connection with one another and then to add someone else into the picture, even if its just for one night, won’t sometimes be in your mind just that one night. And that can lead to trust issues or insecurity issues that weren’t there before. I think it might be different if three random people just met up for that one time fling of three, but in terms of a relationship, that is bond to break when 3 are involved.
My boyfriend and I of 7 years had a 3some and while i tried to include him, he didn’t include me , he in fact got frustrated and only had sex with her. Anybody else ever experienced this
I have a feeling that others have experienced this. If memory serves, others have complained about that happening in this thread.
Also this was a theme of one of the episodes of “sex and the city.” Charlotte was thinking about taking up her boyfriend’s offer but she was told that it always ends up the way you describe. And it did.
Yeah but tbh she was not both in me they both had sexy 2 times and nothing happen with me but we chosse to leave it at that even thou it hurt but I found out today that he was Texing for yesterday on vanlivesdays all cos I was felling down and stay in bed but only found out by talking to the gal really don’t know what to say other that I got nothing and laid they with nothing thougt he would could to his gal with not the mate oh well but tell you one thing it mess with your head
If everything is consensual, I think it is fine. However I know that I personally could not ever be okay with a threesome. Let’s not talk about the body issues for a second, but I would probably be out of my mind jealous. If we are in a committed relationship, might this even be counted as cheating? If we are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship might say that you are thinking about leaving me, or you don’t “love” being exclusive. If my partner ever asked me about a threesome my self confidence would instantly plummet. And maybe people are not supposed to be monogamous, but wouldn’t it be great if it was? I want to know that i’m special, and I don’t want to be shared. I also definitely would not want to share my partner. For me, this would definitely send my mind spinning, what others call “overthinking.” But These are all valid concerns that I think many people would think about if they were ever asked by their partner to participate in a threesome. Because of the severe hit to a person’s confidence and the potential to lose confidence and trust in the relationship, I can understand why most couples who try this do not make it.
I have posed before on this blog. I have to say I really disagree with your last comment. It is very true that threesomes are not for everyone -with that I agree 100%. Yes there are some that really ‘overthink’ it. These are the lady part of the couple which wind up doing this for their guy. This is where the drama begins and what was to be fun and exciting goes south and ends in anger or a fight. Not right for them. Its very important to meet the couple or 3 person you want to have a 3way with before hand, You can tell if the lady is into it or not ..you get the feel. But for these couples who are into the lifestyle it can work very well even strengthen a relationship. To them its truly something they experience together. I’ve been seeing a couple now more then a year and they are solid, really in love, no drama. My ex and I were into the lifestyle for years, we loved each other and were open about everything, no drama. It was spending and gambling which broke our relationship in the end. I cant say it enough … it works well with couples and individuals who have the desire to have threesomes – lifestyle!
I think this article is quite stereotypical about men when it comes to threesome. The author seems to assume that one, almost every guy wants threesome, and two, the only reason they want threesome is because they watch threesomes in porn. Having threesome in a relationship can serve up to different purposes and though with no date on hand, I can see guys wanting to do it for different reasons. I can see how fewer women want to do it and it is more about the guy that wants to do it. The guy, however, could be wanting to have a threesome to spice up the relationship a little bit and for other reasons that stereotypes just won’t fit. Some women have the desire to have threesome as well, popular R& B musician, Teyana Taylor openly wrote a song called, “3way”, that talks about threesome with her husband. She spoke in an interview, “I also wanted to create something to where, I feel like, a lot of the times, in society, we make it to where it’s always the guy that wants it,’ she said. ‘It’s always like, it gotta be birthday or Christmas to get that. It gotta be a holiday to get it. But it’s like, listen, I think that my husband is extremely sexy. I love to explore.” I think threesome is a very sensitive subject in relationships and one simply can’t just go with the stereotype and assume that every man is into threesome because they like it from porn.
People confuse stereotypes and social patterns. If you read the whole article you would see that men say they have much more desire for threesomes than women do. That’s a social pattern, not a stereotype.
I have only been in one relationship. The girl I dated was bisexual and was open to the idea of a threesome with both another girl and another boy. I was also open to the idea of both because I felt that I would not be a jealous person and it would not change the relationship for the worst. Although we were both open to the idea, the problem was finding people also similarly open to the idea and not ruining friendships from asking people. We ended up not pursuing a threesome with other people. Opposite of gender stereotypes, my girlfriend at the time was way more invested in the threesome idea than me. I think the reason why threesomes ruin relationships is that people are not secure in themselves and in the relationship. The chance that the relationship will be ruined is also dependent on the willingness of the participants. If anyone needs to be pressured into doing it then problems will most likely arise as a result.
That makes sense.
I think that every relationship I’ve been in and every single male I know has expressed some kind of desire to have a threesome. I’ve only met one person who has openly admitted to have taken part in one, none of them were in a serious relationship so I can’t really say that any of their relationships ended because of it. I have often thought about that proposition that past relationships have brought up, but I can’t seem to get over the idea of seeing my significant other with another person. It might just make sense if all three parties were neutral instead of a 2:1 ration.
I was hoping to find out WHY relationships failed after a threesome but I can only assume from a female perspective that the memory of seeing her partner with another person stays with her and brings up all the insecurities that the article mentioned. I understand that women crave a more intimate relationship and often put or develop feelings in sex while men are purely driven by the act of sex.
Wow! this post was interesting. It expressed how I would feel if a boyfriend or husband had asked me to do a threesome. Although I’ve been single and abstinent for a number of years now reading this blog brings up a particular memory. When I was younger I met a guy who wanted me to wear a dildo and have sex with him while this lady friend of his watched. I guess you can call that a threesome. We were just beginning to know each other and not yet a couple. Needless to say we didn’t make it to the next level. He turned me off. I’m not knocking a threesome if that’s what you enjoy, but I’m afraid that I’d have to decline. But if I somehow did, the post is right, it would have to be a man.
Threesome requests in a relationship would be a no go for me and a lot of women share this same opinion. A majority of women enjoy sex much more when there’s a deep connection with your partner and I agree, you can feel the difference. Something about having sex with someone you love and care about arouses a women more and it’s much faster for men to climax than women which is why probably men don’t see threesomes as a bad thing. A man can have sex with someone else and simply just do it for him to get his climax and feel no type of emotion towards the person he’s having sex with. But women don’t really operate like that, we enjoy sex much more if there’s feelings. I couldn’t do a threesome in a relationship because I wouldn’t want to share my partner with anyone else. I’d be concerned on if he’s enjoying the other women more than he would me, I’d get jealous. Allowing a threesome in a relationship I feel like would give him the leverage and think “oh she’s okay with a threesome, MAYBE she wouldn’t care if I had sex with someone else.” Thinking that it’s okay to essentially cheat and think I’ll be okay with it because I allowed a threesome in the first place. No. It causes too much complication between you and your significant other and start assumptions that lead to miscommunication and eventually breaking up.
I think, for lack of better phrasing, there is no way in hell that a relationship can survive a threesome. I dated someone who was initially separated when we met, and we continued dating after he and his wife tried to resume their marriage as an open one. I can tell you from feeling as though I was the “third party,” the entire idea is massively uncomfortable. At least it was for me. I even shared this with my doctor, and she told me that in her experience, any couples she’s seen try an open marriage have resumed monogamy or ended in divorce. I personally don’t believe sex should be thought of as any sort of shame based activity. Exploring curiosity around things is perfectly normal. However, relationships that attempt to “spice things up” by bringing in an additional party, be it male or female, seems like rocky territory. If there is already a lack in the relationship of any kind, it seems greater intimacy between two partners is what needs to be worked on. Emphasis on .. between TWO partners. Intimacy is different than just casual sex. There are far more emotions involved when you care for and love someone. Seeing them, particularly as women, interact sexually with someone else seems like it would be painful to watch. My instinct tells me that whether it is conditioning that makes us so, or biological hardwiring, we are taught to be unquestionably self sacrificing. I could easily see how a man’s need to spread his seed turns into him convincing his partner or wife that its a good idea to introduce another person. I could also easily see a woman agreeing against better judgement to go along with this in attempts to make her partner happy or as a desperate measure to repair a broken relationship. The momentary satisfaction or testing of the waters could lead to irreparable damage. The risk does not seem worth the reward.
Interesting to hear from the perspective of someone who was invited into the open marriage.
This was an awesome post and I can’t say that enough!
I remember when my boyfriend of 4 years now asked me to have a threesome with him and boy was I absolutely livid, I literally cried myself to sleep that night and a few nights after that. The thought of sharing my relationship or the personal/sexual/emotional part of my relationship with someone, another female just made me sick to my stomach, the fact that he even wanted that or could think of such an icky thing made me sick to my stomach, I had started to hate him for it.
I believe that, like the post said, men are into the physical while women focus on the emotional because I myself am like that. I think men are especially okay with sharing their bodies with numerous women at one time and finding something so thrilling about it, women are the exact opposite, at least I am.
I honestly believe that having a threesome while in a relationship will more than likely ruin it, I mean let’s be honest, the fact that you are having a threesome or thinking about one says that your relationship might already be in a bad place. I don’t think it’s ever okay to share the person you love or may be in love with, with someone else, it’s just not right.
Oh the age old question couples face: To Threesome or Not to Threesome? That is the question. Whether or not a relationship can survive the threesome question is completely circumstantial and heavily relies on the individuals and their own dynamic. Some examples I’ve come across: Example 1 Hypersexual Male, Low Libido Woman. Relationship over 7 years old. Both madly in love although sexual hunger is drastically different. He requests a threesome politely and she responds that she personally does not want to share him in bed. This case would not survive due to one parties preference. Example 2 Two Females, average libidos start the threesome conversation. As they talk both realize that neither is comfortable with the idea of adding another to the bedroom. This case would not survive since neither is interested. Example 3 Average Libido Male, Hyper Sexual Female. Both bring up the idea of a threesome, going over rules and restrictions and give each other plenty of time to back out comfortably. This situation could survive a threesome due to the mutual interest and respect for each others boundaries. My fourth example is my current relationship. I have a high libido yet have been in very traumatic relationships. He has a low libido and has been cheated on in every relationship. Although both of us enjoy the idea of threesomes and porn along with it, we both agree that it would be beyond our comfort level at the time. We agree to ask again in a couple years to see how we feel since we are open to the idea as a possibility. Would we survive a threesome? At the moment no. In time? Maybe.
I honestly don’t think a relationship can survive a threesome. It would be really risky even talking about having a threesome. I have personally never have been in one, however, if my boyfriend asked me if I would consider it I highly might break it off. It is true about the thoughts that go through a girls head when a guy mentions the subject. I would immediately start thinking that he doesn’t love me anymore, or that he’s bored of me.
If I said no to a threesome, and he was disappointed then I would think that he is going to go cheat because he didn’t get it his way. I think if a girlfriend were to bring up a threesome with their boyfriend they won’t like the idea. If a girl is trying to have a threesome she is most likely not going to want to do it with two females and one male, she is going to have a threesome with two males and one female. Boyfriends will find that weird and think of it in a gay way, they will shut down the idea quickly, and will start to question whether the girlfriend doesn’t find them interesting anymore.
i think that relationship could survive a threesome. I believe that comment was made that having really good communication is key in any relationship. But i also believe that both parties, have to be accepting and wanting it to happen. It could put a relationship on different for some couples may not. Its not for everyone. I feel that people do it to be sexual aroused. Its more of the feeling and been in state of mind. As the partner is excited so is the other person. I can see this side because my friend has talk about. In completely OK with his lifestyle and she is married and she loves her life. She says never bored and doesn’t feel the urge to cheat. She has been married over 10 years and is super happy, there were rough patches in her marriage, but this was not about sex at all. Its all you and partner and how you both communicate and what your comfortable with in your relationship. i feel like this was definitely a good discussion question.
Even though I never seriously thought about having a threesome with my current partner/ or any of my previous partners, I have flirted with the idea. The one comment that stood out to me was the one about men liking the idea but knowing it’s probably not practical, like bacon-flavored toothpaste, and I completely agree. I believe that the best way, for myself, to enjoy a threesome is to think about it with my partner, incorporate it in sexting, or dirty talking during sex. I have tried that with a few partners in the past and it has been working for me, I always tell them, however, before or after that I don’t think it’s a good idea and that I just think it’s good in theory, they tend to agree. What I would’ve loved to see included in the article is whether a threesome would have the same issues with gay/lesbian partners where everyone is (supposedly) equally attracted to the other. I think it’s very important for people to realize that, just like romantic comedies, porn is staged. It is very difficult, nearly impossible, to achieve such high standards of perfect harmony and “equal pleasure to all” kind of sex!
This is a great post and discussions! I was in a ten year relationship with my ex-that involved other women. I had always fantasized about it but my husband at the time was not at all interested. We talked about the idea of having another women shortly after I started dating my new boyfriend. We were watching adult film involving a threesome. He said He’d love to try that and to his surprise, I replied the same. Our relationship was incredible strong, we loved each other very much and we had ongoing threesomes over the 10 years we were together. The key was communication and being completely open with each other. We always talked to the other women as to what the ground rules were, and what she wanted or did’t want. This was one of the cornerstones of our relationship. A few of these women were married and I had threesome with them and there husband. Our relationship was solid. We broke up because of finance …. he hid all his credit card debt and he gambled. That’s my experience and yes your relationship can very much survive a threesome. Communication is the key!
Thanks for sharing what worked for you.
Personally, I do NOT think the average relationship could survive a threesome. What I mean by this it that some couples may be less committed and less devout to each other in that case it would probably be fine. However, in a committed relationship I believe it’s completely different. For example, my boyfriend and I have talked about it. We both come from a catholic background and feel that it just isn’t a big interest of ours. Sex is supposed to be fun and exciting yes I completely agree; however, bringing in a third party is a completely different story. I am committed to him and I know it would just tear me to pieces to see him with another woman. For this reason, we refrain because I know that if we were to partake that I wouldn’t be able to date him anymore let alone look at him without remembering what happened. Regardless, some relationships and people in those relationships are completely different than my boyfriend and I. My advice to another girl is to only do if you want to do it and not just because your partner wants to. Even if you feel a little bit of doubt don’t go through with it because I guarantee that it will result in a failed relationship.
My best friend Sam and his boyfriend Nain were going through a long rough patch towards the end of their relationship. Nain was doing what he could to save his relationship, which he believed included adding other people in their sex life. They would go on Grindr, which is a dating site for men finding men, and choose a guy that they both found attractive and who was willing to partake in their sexual adventures. What ended up happening after a few months of this going on was additional arguments revolving around jealousy, mistrust and insecurities. Nain was convinced that Sam was sleeping around behind his back, especially after he though Sam had “put more effort into the other party during sex”. It got to the point where Sam went out and did sleep with someone else. His thought process was, “if I’m going to be treated like I’m doing something, then why not do it anyway”. The relationship was a mess before this began, but all this did was confirm that they were not longer the people they wanted to be. Threesomes in a relationship is accepting and acknowledging that the person you are dating is no longer enough, if you love them then you wouldn’t want to include anyone else. Their permission doesn’t make sleeping with someone else okay, it just makes it harder to see that this isn’t who you should be with.
No way can a relationship survive a threesome but then it also depends on the type of relationship. If the relationship is based on friendship it can survive a threesome, but if the relationship is marriage I would disagree that it can survive a threesome. I once had a friend who had a threesome with her long term boyfriend and it was chaos for her. Apparently, she was counting the strokes that she got and the other girl got and she happened to notice the other girl got more strokes than she did. She complained to her boyfriend on the unfairness but he claimed he was not aware of his actions. Too funny but sad at the same time because men have this idea that women should be accommodating to their sexual desires but if she were to have a devil’s threesome he would not be up for it; so why the double standards? Personally, I think when women accommodate such behaviors from men it leads to disrespect and expectations of the women in those relationships. Secondly, I think its important to explore your self sexually at a young age so by the time you are settled and thinking of being with someone you have already explored all that you could ever want and you are to some extent satisfied and are respectful to your partner. Thirdly, I think if a man truly loves you he will not have you do such things because you would not even have him in such a situation. Nevertheless, this is a very complicated subject because when it comes sex in marriage I guess everyone has some level of entertainment for their relationship and as well as a topping of desire to please their partners.
I personally believe that a relationship can not surive a thressome, i would be amazed to know someone in my life that has done a threesome and survived. I would feel so insecure and let down if my partner wanted to have a threesome with another women, i would think that he wasn’t serious about me or didn’t like me. I would honestly be hurt watching my man touch some other women in a sexual way and would definitely be jealous. I feel like let alone women get hurt if there man even thinks about having threeseomes, but for me i feel like that’s normal. A man has a right to fantasize if he wants, i know my boyfriend fantasizes about it but never has asked for one, which in that case then would i feel insecure and confused about his love for me or commitment. I feel like overall it just depends on the person and the relationship of the person and rules they have set for each other. I know this is a weird way of thinking but to me it’s a form of cheating, it’s not cheating but in some form it is a way for a guy or girl to have sex with someone else other than their partner just to explore. We all have our needs and we all like to be satisfied in different ways, it’s the form of human biology id say.
In some societies polygamy is a way of life and a means to survive by dividing up duties especially if the life is in a third world country. In these environments, a threesome is not seen as a sexual thing but more of a lifestyle. The participating parties do not know any better and so are less likely to challenge a multi-partner relationship. However, in societies that are mainstream, a threesome (or more) is hard to accept. With the amount of self absorbed, self centered and self fulfilling propaganda that goes on; a threesome can be considered an act to satisfy only one of the involved parties (mostly men). Woman tend to want to oblige to keep their men happy. This stems from the condition that woman are generally raised to submit to their male partners. Now, can a relationship survive a threesome? In societies where there is less education and more concentration on community perhaps, yes. In societies where the focus is personal gain, no.
I particularly would like to comment on the female to female sex. This would only work if the girls are genuinely attracted to another, maybe bi-sexual. If one is straight and the other is a lesbian and then add a man to the situation, that would never end well. Lesbian would pay more attention to the girl who would be stuck between to people both trying to please her. These kind of threesomes are hard to get through.
I heard that it’s usually better for a couple to always have the third be a random stranger whom they’ll never see again. But either way, it’s hard to sustain a relationship once you open the door to adding other people in the mix. I think the best way for it to work is if there is open and honest communication. This means that both parties understand the ramifications of doing so and also want the same outcome from the experience.
This post was a very interesting read, however being in a long-term committed relationship myself, I honestly don’t think that I will ever be in favor of this if the subject were to ever come up between my boyfriend and I. Having a threesome may seem like a lot of people from younger generations might enjoy, but I believe that it all depends on the couple’s point of view. I’m only 22 years old but I’ve never questioned my relationship as needing to have an experience like this. Just thinking about this is already eating me up because I don’t want to share my man with anybody else. There will be an distant effect that would hurt the relationship as a whole because one or both parties might feel jealous of the other person joining in an experience that should only be shared between two devoted people. In my culture, sex is seen as a sacred ritual that only two people should share and marriage is what ties sex together and bonds it to lock with only two people. Being raised with that mindset, I see threesomes as a sin and though I would personally never try it, I understand that most people out of that mindset would be okay with threesomes. It all depends on a person’s morals and trust level towards their partner.
In my opinion someone should only get married if they know that the one they are getting married with is the one they want to be with for the rest of their lives. With that being sad why would any married couple need another member to have sex with. It seems completely obvious to me that most marriages end after their threesome experience. The fact that they are even searching for another member to be intimate with already reveals signs of loosing interest of their original partner. If anyone really wants to experience this sexual fantasy I believe they would have to begin experience it before marriage therefore they wont risk ruining their relationship. Furthermore, the chances off it threesome actually happening in a marriage is rare because of the fact that men are more likely to be the ones to desire this sexual encounter. Due to the porn industries portraying threesomes as something desirable have altered many men’s perspective with the intimate action of sex. In summary, marriages are not meant to be risked by adding a third member in their intercourse.
Men may imagine a threesome, but my experience most men can’t even make it through a twosome without alot of help.
Ha! So on spot!
Hi there,
I’m a 30yrs old woman and I am on my second marriage, i don’t want to say its due to having threesome that my first husband didn’t work out. I enjoy this post and I feel that in a marriage you have to really understand what it will cost if you both don’t understand how the threesome work you have to make rules for both of you.
I want to share my experience about this topic and maybe it will help you see it in a woman perspective.First a little history, I have been with only men, then only woman. So I have came to a decision with myself, and I say to people ” I love woman and settle for men.” Yes there is things that men can do for me that a woman cant but a man DO NOT have the body parts that a woman have..So you now should know a little bit of my mind frame.
My first husband was a really nice loving man, when he asked me to marry him, I had one big problem, he will have to be okay with me being with a woman sometimes, not all the time but sometimes. And I don’t want to be selfish so I will prefer to have threesomes with rules. If I get to have fun he should too.But The rules are the MOST IMPORTANT PART!!
* My rules
we both agree on the person
We all do oral pleasure to each other/ I lick her, she lick me, he can lick her and she suck him.
He can Not have sex with her unless he is open to a man having sex with me( which no man want that for his wife) that become more swinging which I was open to but he is not.
I made him promise me this will be okay before saying I DO.. and of course he was fine with it.
Two years go by and I have the biggest itch, so we go to gay pride events trying to find a third, I take him to Reno where no one knows us and still nothing.
After a while I’m getting the point that he is not open to it.He say he think maybe we just need to pick one person that we can call when we need, but then he said,” he don’t want us getting attach and fall in love with her.” He said,” the one night stands might be better but then we have a bigger risk in contacting a STI.” So going on 4 years and still no threesome, the worst thing ever happens, I catch him cheating on me with another woman.. Yes, I begged him to bring another woman in the bedroom and he did BUT without me.
So in this case, I ask did wanting a threesome break up my marriage?
BUT Husband number two, he knows everything and I give him the same deal.
This one is a monogamous old school gentlemen. He have agreed to the rules and happily to say we have had about four threesome in the past 5yrs. I had to break him in, first just let him watch me with other female but he could join when he’s ready. The next time just had the girl pleasure him and me,That was the one that actually blow his mind. The next day he would ask me ever hour are we okay? and I would assure him that we both had fun and we are fine. One of my favorites was the last one we had we went all in with the girl and still he respected my wishes and did not have sex with her but still got pleasure out of it. The next day and that whole week we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, laughing about how much fun we had.
I can say I AM HAPPILY MARRIED AND MY HUSBAND AND I DO HAVE THREESOME WITH RULES!!
Thanks. Hope you don’t mind if I post this sometime as its own blog post. I think it’s interesting to post about other people’s experiences.
I think having a threesome is never the cause of a couple breaking up. The break up happens because of underlying problems in the relationship, that people may not want to admit. I think it takes a lot of maturity in a relationship and the individual people to invite new people (sexually or romantically) into the relationship. I agree, the problem with threesomes is mainly than it’s a man’s fantasy, meanwhile it is not for their partners. Couples in this situation probably have issues with the man not respecting the woman’s sexuality and what she wants, which leads to insecurity on the woman’s part; and can cause trust issues even in a long time stable relationship. A threesome could work if both partners worked their way up to it, building trust along the way. Personally, the idea of a threesome with a man and a woman is not something I am into at all, but I think that could be because I am so used to seeing it as two women pleasing the man. If we were all getting equal pleasure, than I think it could be a fun experience, but that is not the fantasy most men have.
I think it all depends on the type of relationship the couple is in. There can be many factors that play into a threesome being even brought up. I only know a few friends in relationships who have tried it and brag about it and they are still together but I feel like it also depends on the couple and how committed they are as well. I feel like it isn’t the right think to do personally even being a male myself I don’t fit in the group of men that fantasize about a threesome.
It always depends when you look at an individual basis. But there are cultural patterns. And when you have a cultural pattern with 2/3 of men having this fantasy but only 1/10 of women being interested You’re are going to have problems.
My personal opinion on threesomes and relationships is not a good one because I think it can cause issues in the relationship, with bringing a new person into the sexual relationship. Coming from personal experience in that field I think it is not a good thing to bring into a relationship, because it can cause jealousy between the three people and more than likely someone will be left out. I personally think the only way threesomes can work out between three people who really do not care about each other and know one another at all because then there are no strings attached.
“Some do, but it seems they usually don’t.”
This feels like the same shaming that was used as a tool in my “sex ed” class– “X% of relationships where teens had sex break up within a year. If you really love each other, you shouldn’t have sex because then you’ll break up.”
How many relationships break up after a threesome? How can we control for how many of those relationships were likely to break up anyway? The anecdotal evidence presented here has me unconvinced. It seems perfectly logical that the stories in which threesomes were correlated with breakups (correlation does not equal causation) would be spread more than those couples who stayed together. If you are surrounded by a monogamous culture, it makes sense you wouldn’t be so forthcoming about some of those norms you are breaking, especially if you’re actively still breaking them. Why open yourself up to judgement? Additionally, it seems incredibly likely that a threesome may be a last-ditch effort to save a dying relationship, to “spice it up.” But no amount of spice in the bedroom can fix some relationships.
The suggestion that there may be some pressure involved, or that the women were simply going along to please their partner may be one reason that engaging in a threesome causes strife in the relationship. But that could also be said for hosting a weekly game night or moving to another city. If one partner is choosing to go along with a decision when they’re unhappy, and hasn’t communicated their concerns, of course there are going to be issues that bubble up.
I also strongly disagree that all women are wracked with insecurity and not at all interested in MFF threesomes, could never enjoy casual sex, or that threesomes must necessarily be casual. Plenty of women (even in male-female, monogamous relationships) have interest in exploring their sexuality with other women, and would be completely comfortable with such an encounter. Plenty of threesomes come to fruition with a close friend, so both women already have a deeper connection.
Is the first threesome ever always comfortable? No. Is a threesome right for every relationship? No, probably not. But blaming any bad experiences or breakups on threesomes–and not poor communication around threesomes, hierarchical social structure and mono-obsessed culture that one could only ever love or be interested in one person at a time, or the fact that some couples might go outside their comfort zone as one last hail mary attempt to save the relationship–seems foolish and short-sighted. Threesomes don’t kill relationships if the relationship is healthy and everyone involved is interested.
Talking about data which suggests that some women enjoy threesomes but they usually don’t isn’t shaming.
Why is it shaming that you like it when others don’t? Why should you feel ashamed just because you are in the minority?
This is data. And more data shows that while up to two-thirds of men want threesomes only 10% of women do.
The point of my writing about this is to help women know that they don’t have to feel pressured to do 3-somes when they don’t want to. Because women often feel pressured to do things that are shown in porn.
And men don’t have to feel bad about themselves when they can’t get one. Given the statistic of 2/3 of men versus 1/10 of women desiring this, it simply isn’t likely to happen for them. Or likely that their partners will like it if men pressure them.
I am a male and I completely agree with the analysis of three ways set forth in this blog. I think most males do get this idea in their head from porn and other societal influences that promote three ways. Men have indeed thought of this as the “holy grail” of sexual fantasies. This is partially due society teaching men that they need to be the center of attention during sex also. But I digress. I too know of friends who have tried them and the results have been mixed. Friends that have been dating a willing partner usually love it. However, those that have either been married or in serious relationships have found it disastrous. Reports of jealousy and possible cheating abounded afterwards.
I think most men have been programmed by society to want their cake and eat it too. Many man, not all, think of a happy monogamous relationship as a myth. And many of those who do not openly cheat, may fantasize about it or watch porn. Women on the other hand are been programmed by society to be the opposite and to seek monogamous relationships. And when the two of these competing mindsets try threesomes out, it simply does not work. So if are serious about your relationship and want to keep it healthy, no good can come from trying a threesome. You are better to try to spice up what you have in other creative ways.
Yup. Women and men are socialized differently leading to problems in this area.
I never really understood why so many men have this threesome fantasy. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years, and he like many other men, has had this fantasy. I told him that we would never have one for a few reasons. We are in a committed relationship to each other, so why do we need to to bring someone else in? Plus, when we have sex, we get to focus on each other and pleasing each other, and it’s meaningful, rather than having a third person there who doesn’t really matter(not to sound rude). Also, I am not into girls sexually, and like many women, have my insecurities, so I would just feel uncomfortable having another woman around either receiving pleasure from or giving pleasure to my boyfriend. I don’t understand how other men who are in committed relationships also want to have a threesome because if you love your partner, why would you want to bring a third person in? There’s a lot more going on and more distractions, and you two can’t focus on each other. If it’s just to change things up, why not change it up between you two by trying a different position or role playing or something. I can totally see how a relationship wouldn’t survive after having a threesome, because it could make things uncomfortable for the two in the relationship, it could cause distrust and more insecurities. However, I don’t have any issue or judgement towards people who do/have had threesomes. If you’re into that and are comfortable with it, then have fun!
Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts about this.
Much of this article assumes a monogamous relationship to begin with.
It also assumes the third person is unknown to, or not romantically involved with, either party.
In a polyamorous relationship, three or more people is far from shattering. Often it works even better for emotional health in a poly group.
I have heard from some friends that four or more works better than three, though. One friend told me that, in threes, he usually ends up getting bored and watching TV instead, while a group of four or more had enough to keep him interested, while still letting individuals rest.
It also depends on individuals’ needs. Those who prefer to have slower, bonding time may bore those who prefer faster, high-energy time, while the opposite may feel uncomfortable and impersonal.
Keep in mind that almost all my friends are guys, trans, or nonbinary, so I don’t have much female perspective on the matter.
Well the article doesn’t have to assume monogamy — although it makes sense since monogamy is the norm in our culture. I know people in poly relationships and they are mostly underground because of the stigma they feel.
But like I said, the article needn’t be read as assuming monogamy. It’s just looking at what seems to be working for most people in our culture, and what doesn’t. Given most people’s socialization within a monogamous culture, it’s not surprising that for most people it doesn’t work.
But I appreciate your work at trying to look at things outside the box.
It was very interesting for me to read it. And it is very difficult to answer that can relationship survive a threesome because I think it depends on person. There are a lot of thinking about sex, and for human, sex is not only for making children. But the important thing to keep relationship with partner is thinking each other’s feeling. If both of them don’t care about doing the threesome or abnormal sex, it is fine. However, it can be for some people to feel guilty what they did later and difficult to keep relationships. So I answer that it is possible to survive the relationship with a threesome, but it is difficult.
It always depends on the person. But there are also social patterns.
When a local radio station carried Loveline years ago, Dr. Drew Pinsky maintained that marriages in general couldn’t survive threesomes. I’ve been married a long time and I agree. When I was in my 20s and single, I engaged in a few threesomes that were fun and exciting–at the time. But a good, solid, long-lasting marriage is based on trust. You get to the point where it’s just you two and nothing or no one gets inside the partnership unless you allow it. When one or both partners have consensual affairs either separately or part of a threesome, the inherent dangers are that a mutual attraction might develop between one of the spouses and and his/her partner. Or perhaps one spouse engaged in the threesome to keep the other spouse happy and at least somewhat under control. With both situations the marriages are destined to unravel. Now, I enjoy fantasizing about how other men would enjoy looking at and having sex with my wife because I try to imagine her from someone else’s perspective. I know that she was very attractive to other men before we met and while we were dating. So when I take this all into consideration, it’s most gratifying that I’m the one she chose to share her life with. But here’s my point about why we would never consider a threesome. When I was young, after sex was over I often left, rarely spending the night with the woman. But after my wife and I finish doing battle, I’m in bed with the woman I love, who loves me, and who I am still totally sexually attracted to, and I believe vice versa. NO STDs or possible pregnancies or other complications to worry about. And it’s just us in bed with each other.Why would we want to share this with anyone else? We don’t.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this.
I personally don’t think a relationship can survive a three some. I have been with my partner for 6 years and would not be able to feel as passionate or intimate if there were a third party. My boyfriend has never asked me for a three some it’s not something we’ve talked about. It’s true whenever men want a three some they automatically assume that it will be himself with two girls, but would never consider a women, himself, and another man. If a male says he had a threesome he’s praised like yea you’re the man two girls at once? If a male says he’s had a threesome and it was only one girl and two guys then he wouldn’t be praised as much instead people would look past the threesome and call the girl a slut for having two penis at the same time. Overall I think a three some would work out for someone who wants to be wild and spontaneous, but not for a relationship. I think problems would arise and instead of feeling intimacy or pleasure there would be a feeling of jealousy, insecurity and competition.
“Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.” Hilarious!
🙃
This is a great post, the statistics seem spot on. I usually put myself in the shoes of my fiance and if somethings is uncomfortable for her I wouldn’t do it. Like if she would ask me to have a threesome with another guy, I’m not going to lie i would be upset. The fact that she would want another man in bed with us would be really unsettling for me. So vise versa I wouldn’t ask her if we could have a threesome, one because I love her and two, I respect her feelings and discomfort. I am by no means the perfect boyfriend but I do know that a threesome would definitely ruin our relationship. If we were to have a threesome I know that she wouldn’t look at me the same and i wouldn’t be able to look at her the same either. I don’t believe that a couple who has had a threesome would ever be the same couple again. In my opinion the couple would have to be really open, especially the woman in the relationship in order for it to work. So in my I don’t believe that a relationship would survive a threesome.
This is how I’m feeling right now, this is the third time he’s brought this up in a year. When we first started talking I wasn’t looking for a LTR so I was I to having a threeesome with him but as my feelings have grown stronger I’m not as interested in the idea and I don’t know how else to tell my soon to be husband, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea anymore. It makes me feel that I’m no longer good enough for him. Don’t get me wrong I like the idea of a threesome but he’s only looking at his desire and wants out of it like he doesn’t understand how it makes me feel. And when I’ve brought up having another guy join he said no not happening, but it should be ok for me to agree with another girl to join smh no it’s not ok. How do I talk to him without it turning into a mess and him to no longer bring it up again, we’ve only been together one yr, i trust him and he’s never giving me a reason not to. BUT his past 3 relationships when he had one with them it ruined him. And he doesn’t believe in rules..please help!!!
I’m so sorry you are having to struggle with this.
I guess you both are going to need to think about:
* What are your core values? Do your core values match each other?
* What are your priorities? Do they match each other?
* What priority do you both give to sex versus relationship? Again, how do you matchup?
* Is one of you fundamentally polygamous and the other one fundamentally monogamous? And can you live with that if there’s a mismatch?
Is the increase in your pain worth the increase in his pleasure? (I think it’s odd that people often expect their partners to undergo an increase in pain so that they may have heightened pleasure.)
I wrote another blog post that gets into this:
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
The circumstances need to be right for a threesome, and in truth there are a lot of variables when three people are involved.
I have a question. My boyfriend wants a three some…all because when we first met I told him I was bi-curious. I had a girl friend at the time that I kissed a few times but I never felt anything so I just figured it wasn’t for me. Now almost ten years later he’s all “I want to have a three some before I’m thirty”, “its always been a fantasy” when I told him I don’t like the idea. And why…honestly I just don’t feel its for me and I feel like it’ll break our relationship and I don’t want that. He kind of made a big deal out of it and three at me I had a friend in high school when we met that I had kissed. I was like yeah a few times and you know what I didn’t feel anything and me and the girl barely talk now…can a threesome break a relationship or am I being to prude?….I don’t mind watching them in porn but I just don’t feel its for me. I need some advice please and thank you
Gee, you were merely bi-curious and found that it wasn’t for you.
But even if you were bisexual that doesn’t mean that you would automatically want a threesome, anyway. I’ve surveyed my students on both their sexual orientation and their desire to do certain things sexually and bisexuals often do NOT want to do a threesome.
It’s not just sex. It’s all the emotions that are involved.
If his focus is 2 girls maybe you should turn it around and ask how he would feel about 2 guys and you. If he thinks that sounds horrible, tell him that that is how you feel.
I would have a conversation with him. Why does he expect you to increase your pain so that he can increase his pleasure? (Society often acts like male sexuality is primary and that men should expect women to undergo higher levels of pain in service of their higher levels of pleasure. Not fair. And women who do things that cause them pain can end up not liking sex at all.)
Ask what he wants out of a relationship — all the things he wants — and will a threesome contribute to that (especially if it harms your relationship, which it likely would). And is a threesome more important than your relationship?
Me and my wife had a few my wife Wanted IT more and more but there were rules to it never behind the back both people concent when IT does happen then there is nothing wrong with it the first time we did it or attempted to all we did or he did was take her close off she walked around naked for a while and listen to us tell her how sexy she is but that was the first time she was so excited and nervous that came to a Gault but she never broke the rules
I just think it’s downright disrespectful to ask your partner for a threesome, shouldn’t you be focused on that one person thats why you’re in a relationship. They’re just going by social media/porn and whats considered “cool” they believe as a man you should be doing things like that with many women, sad. Stop trying to fit into societal expectations, show your woman that you are different, fight the urges, because once you have that 3some it’ll destroy what you guys have and he will most likely continue to have sex with women behind your back maybe even with that same person because you already showed him how much self respect you have for yourself so he’ll think you won’t have problem with him doing that in the first place if he was able to do it right in front of you. It’s even more disrespectful if he has to continue to ask, he doesn’t value you or himself. Once you stoop to that level and give away that self-respect you won’t get it back. If you’re giving in because you want to fulfill his fantasies it wont be enough lust continues to grow it doesn’t become satisfied enough, he’ll want to experiment on different levels instead let him control his lust out of love and respect to you.
Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?
No, It can’t survive in a normal relationship, because monogamy is the mainstream culture in our society, so for a threesome, seems too hard to accept it by most of the people. It’s hard to survive also because of the results of love in the relationship. When the two fall in love, the third on is hard to get into it. They want to belong to each other, so it’s so weird to have three people in a relationship. Love could make people have the demon of jealousy that they can’t endure another one sharing their lovers, and reducing the love or attention they could have.
The statement with men imagining a threesome with their girl and another female is right on the money. The thought ran through my mind but I would never do such a thing because I feel like it is too much work haha. I believe both partners need to agree on a threesome so both can enjoy the experience. However, part taking in a threesome during marriage is not the ideal choice. After all, marriage is between two people and that is it. If I am in a marriage or even a relationship, I am not sharing my partner with anyone else and I don’t care if you call me greedy or selfish. My relationship will be another statistic of a failed relationship.
I don’t think that a true and strong relationship can survive a threesome,or maybe now in days yes? I think every person who commits themselves in a relationship and sees it as a long lasting future investment cannot think that a threesome is healthy. Men think more of the physical attraction, the sexual fantasy ,they don’t get involved emotionally with a women just by having sex. Women on the other hand are much more sensitive and perhaps reserved when it comes to their intimacy and prefer there be two of them and not three in bed. A women by instinct could start to analyze the threesome situation. Trying to figure out what the man is feeling and thinking while in the act just adds stress to a women and can jeopardize a relationship that could of been a real lasting one. I think that even if a couple tried a threesome the women will afterwards always have that lingering thought of whether her partner is finding interest in another potential candidate hence diminishing all possibilities of a prosperous relationship.
This post is really interesting as I was reading it I keep asking myself the same question “how can someone be so liberal and self-confident to do a threesome?” I think that in any relationship to be able to take this step you need to be mentally stable and personally over confident. I think that if anyone pursuits having a threesome first of all they do it because they want to get out of the routine and or because they want to check off something is their bucket list. I think a relationship can survive a threesome as long as both parties agree to do it, and they lay out rules. For example they both have a say on what third partner will look like and how many times they are willing to have a three person relationship and how involved will they get with this person. It has to do a lot with honesty and trust but most importantly knowing that each person has a different value to the other and never making any comparisons.
A lot of heterosexual men fantasize about having a threesome but not all of them act on it. In this day and age people have threesomes as a social experiment due to its popularity. According to a recent survey 13% of Americans have participated in one. Heterosexual men do lust about having sex with two women. Women do engage in threesomes for different reasons which vary from pressure to curiosity and fun. The outcome of a relationship after a threesome depends on several factors such as the type of relationship they are in and their lifestyles.
A healthy relationship is based on trust and communication. As long as these two components exist, any relationship should survive anything even a threesome. Engaging in a threesome out of curiosity as a one-time thing could be fun and exciting. However, when it turns into a regular activity, a lot of preparation and rules have to be set. Some rules could be for the woman to be the one choosing the playmate randomly, or for the guy to never be in communication with the latter, or to never have sex with same person twice. Both partners have to first be on the same page physically and emotionally. In fact they both have to want to add somebody else to their sexual life. It would never work out if one is being pressured by the other. Then, they have to be honest about their expectation and their goals. For instance is the threesome done to spice up the sexual life? Would it affect their beliefs and faith? As long as the couple is honest with each other about their feelings, and know the type of relationship they are (committed or open), both man and woman should be able enjoy the sexual act, discover new things about each other and fall in love all over again.
Nevertheless, adding a third party to any relationship could be very complex and lead to destruction if the couple’s foundation is not strong or the beliefs are different. The woman is most likely to become jealous and insecure if the partner shows more affection and attention to the playmate. I have a few friends who engaged in threesomes and none of them lasted. The first couple broke up because the guy developed feelings for the playmate and cheated on his girlfriend. He is now engaged to the playmate. The second couple broke up because the girl starting having trust issues and always thought her partner was talking to the different playmates and having sex with them behind her back. The third couple ended their relationship and until this day the reason remains a mystery.
As long as the couple’s foundation is stable and strong (trust, love and open communication), all parties involve are medically tested for any sexually transmitted disease and the third party is nobody close to them, and the desire to have a threesome is mutual, the relationship should survive it.
I think that a relationship cannot survive a threesome, even if the couple has their own rules and are open to these kinds of adventures. I have met a couple that was in an “open relationship”, meaning they were together, but were not exclusive. What ended up happening was that they got emotionally invested in one another, when one would see the other with another person the other would get jealous. It just cannot work. I think that threesomes just make one of the partners become insecure, and wonder why they even have to seek a third person. Sex is something so intimate between couples. I think that threesomes are more for people that are single and looking for some casual sex and are not emotionally invested in a relationship.
Interesting that you say that a threesome is more for a dating single person and not a committed couple. I don’t know of any actual steady couple that has had one but I can definitely see how it can work with a single person dating here and there different people. Intimacy is such a personal aspect that as a women sharing it with another women her man at the same time it just gives you too much to think about during the act. You may start to compare yourself with the other women, questioning which one he’s getting a pleasure out of more, just too many thoughts in the air that could lead you even think if the guy is even fully emotionally invested in you,like really?
The whole topic needs a basic understanding of how men work regards sex in a committed relationship. Yes, we do fall in love, we do want, enjoy and need a true “partner”. Both sexual partnership and in all life’s aspects. However, men (women too … more later on this) have residual caveman psychology traits in our brains. in any relationship during sex, there is a few moments we are all pretty basic, dirty, hot and just animals. We need that moment to release. Men after the routine of sex with one partner start to go numb. We need what our caveman instincts have given us – to roam, in pregnant as many women as we can to help the species survive. We don’t have control of this. The cavewoman wants the guy with the most money (dinosaur meat, i.e. best hunter guy). Today we call that a “gold0digger” however as you can see re we are still somewhat cave men/women that is not fair. Women have NO real control of this. This extends to satisfying sex for most women also, at a certain point in the lovemaking, not always, most many times, women want a dominating strong take control man to help her reach that point of release (of her cave woman hormones).
phew.. So in the end, women who are in partnership with their man, should allow that he need variety and a threesome is a good way to do this without cheating on your partner. IF all three parties realize this is just a means of getting our cave instincts met. That is what I think anyhow. i.e. it could be if knowledge, intelligence and understanding out weighed our ego’s. Not likely of course. Ego’s dominate this era totally. Ugh.
Research suggests that about one quarter of both men and women maybe biologically as you describe while about three quarters lean more toward monogamy. I hope all you more polygamous types find each other 🙂
Okay, that is very interesting research. Wonder why 25%? Mysteries of life. However I was clumsily trying to say that monogamous men, which I am, could use a visit to our baser side once in a while, i.e. tune up, in a threesome. An extremely kind and understanding partner would help us out eh. However humans are I guess far too complex, especially in today’s nutbar society. Thanks for reply.
About three quarters of both women and men prefer relationship sex to hook up sex.
By polygamous I don’t mean men who are actually in relationships with more than one woman. There are different sex and dating types, all on a continuum. You might want to take a look at these:
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?
How Guys Think About Sex & Dating
Threesome! In present India it is such a taboo.
I believe that of a couple are truly in love with eachother then they can do this kind of thing without jealousy. If they are both secire enough in there relationship ot can be kinly/fun for both partners. And if he is willing to do mmf, she should be willing to do ffm. But there is no reason to be jealous, just do it with someone whos takin no intrest in either of you in the past whom you noth are attracted to and trust. If your relationship ends after a 3sum, sorry but it was going to last anyway .
i think it’s only possible if the 3 really want it,,,with no pressure. Just my opinion 🙂
Good post and good question. I think it is possible to survive but it is challenging.. My boyfriend and I of 5 years got drunk and had a threesome with my best friend. After the whole experience I felt extreme jealousy and regret. My boyfriend and I were already rocky but it seemed to liven up our sex life. We ended up separated in the end for about a year and were are currently together again eve though of the three way. I think if you know what to expect and the consequences to come afterward than you could possibly survive, but I think its best to remain monogamous.
First of all, this statement: “Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste” cracked me up. But anyway, I agree with the points raised in this article. A relationship may be able to survive a threesome, but I think it would result in a lot of tension, fighting, and hurt feelings. My ex-boyfriend wanted to have a threesome, and told me an extremely detailed (ew) story about a threesome he had during the academic year at college, with a girl he was sleeping with and her best friend.That seemed to end ok, because he and the girl he was sleeping with weren’t in a relationship, so there weren’t too many feelings involved. When he proposed a threesome to me, we hadn’t even slept together yet, so I was definitely super opposed to it. I mean..really? Did you really think I would agree to that? I don’t think I would ever be open to a threesome with someone I was in a real relationship with. I would only be open to it if it was with someone I was having casual sex with, but even then, I think I would likely end up feeling hurt or inadequate.
I believe this is a good question!
Honestly, I believe in order for a relationship to survive a threesome, the couple MUST have complete trust within each other and the relationship. There should also be rules laid out as to what might be uncomfortable for one another. Also, who would be the third a woman or man?
I have had a threesome in a relationship but the trust that me and my girlfriend had was amazing so good that we actually had a threesome almost twice a month. I think that it made our relationship interesting and it brought us closer in the bedroom. The lust that was there was unbelievable. We maintained and didn’t have any insecurities my girlfriend embraces women and every aspect of their body.
So as stated as long as the trust is there and both parties are willing participants I believe that a relationship can survive a threesome. Not only can it survive it, it can save it, it can make it interesting, and the love can become more and more present.
This is very interesting. Most men do have a fantasy to have sex with two women at once. Primarily because they see this in porno movies and see how amazing it looks. Any women who thinks that their partner doesn’t want this or even thinks about it is sadly wrong. I can honestly say that I do not know of any relationship that has survived a threesome. Every women that I know that has participated in a threesome said the same thing, that they felt insecure about themselves after and had to end the relationship. I believe this is correct in saying that it is mainly for the man and that the women get distracted and worry about how their man is feeling. As a woman I would be more concerned with my partner liking the other person and not wanting what I have to give anymore. This is probably why it is harder for women to be able to participate with all the insecurities that women have.
When men are horny and ask their partner for a threesome, I’m assuming the hormonal arousal and pulsating organ is what’s causing their laps in judgment. However, even the douchiest of boyfriends can make this connection, which I love by Mr. DeVore, “Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.” In fact, every man I’ve gotten serious enough with and felt comfortable within our sexuality has asked at some point for a threesome, every man except my current one, but who knows, only time will tell. So as result, I’ve talked with my girlfriends about this very topic and throughout our conversational surveys, it seems that a few gals have had great experiences in threesomes, but here’s the kicker, they were casual hookups among friends, no emotional or romantic relationship involved. I asked those same girls if they had so much fun in past threesome experiences, would they consider having a threesome when they are in a romantic relationship? Both answered with an assertive no way! That supports this article regarding the relationship threesomes, but outside of relationships in the “casual sex” culture, do women have positive threesome experiences almost equal to men? It’d be curious to find out.
I have also thought that these would be more successful when relationships aren’t involved. But I don’t know.
I honestly don’t think relationships survive a threesome. In most cases I believe that women are the ones who are disappointed after a threesome. Mostly because women in the threesome are insecure. Women are more insecure during because you basically have to compete against the other girl. Thinking about who looks better and who is doing what better . It might not show during the sexual intercourse but it is running through their head. On the other hand I know the guy is enjoying every bit of it. What’s better than having two women? On my end though, I would be dam near upset if I knew my boyfriend would want a threesome. I probably would enjoy it but the idea of my boyfriend in it makes me nasty. I would want my boyfriend to put all eyes on me and not another girl during sexual intercourse .
This was very interesting to read because this isn’t something i have thought about a lot. I’m surprised any couple has survived a threesome because being a women and putting myself in those shoes, I would probably get self concscious and start overthinking. Maybe if feelings or relationships weren’t involved, i see how it could work. This article perfectly sums up the stereotypical guy and woman because of how each feels on threesomes.
This topic can have two very different points of view for many people. I personally don’t find this to be one of my fantasies, however my partner has a different perspective then mines. The funny thing was when I ask him how this isn’t the same when comparing it to cheating? His reply was that cheating is not the same because now it’s a decision that is made not together, but on our own choice. I think it is a form of cheating, but this “cheating” is allowed because both agree that its worth it or find it interesting. I’ve heard of some relationship to be awkward after having a threesome, but it is to be expected because now both people in the relationship is considered to be a cheater in my perspective. This sort of discussion can’t be simple, because it’s not just the two person making love to each other but it now includes another person.
I’ve heard others also say they see it as permission to cheat. I guess it depends on your perspective. If you are monogamous have for how you will see it. If both of you are not monogamous I guess you wouldn’t see it that way.
In my option cheating implies you are breaking a rule. If it’s agreed upon that you are going to have a threesome or allow an open relationship and you follow those guidelines, I don’t think it can be labeled as cheating. For example, if I tell my boyfriend he can have sex with another girl and he does, he hasn’t cheated on me. I gave him permission so it can’t be cheating.
Whether to have a threesome is something that should not be entered into lightly though and that discussion about ground rules, limits and a safe word to stop things is really important. I don’t think there is really a blanket black and white answer for whether a relationship will survive or thrive in a threesome. It’s really a personal decision that may or may not work out the way you expect.
I also agree with what the article is saying that most of the time a three-some usually leads to a break up. I, myself have not experience this nor have I ever thought of this, but to me I think a relationship is made of two people nurturing each other, loving and caring each other and that includes the sex between those two people. Like the article says, girls are the ones that have to feel more of the love or passion in order for them to get into the sex part. For guys is usually easier to get horny or desire a girl. I think that having a three-some is a really bad idea if you really care and want your partner because although there is that small percentage that can handle having three-some in their relationship, there is a bigger percentage and chance that your relationship can have serious problems, and confusions after this activity. Now, I am not saying that for those who do agree with three-some are bad people, or are totally wrong, but I myself believes that if you love your partner you would maybe think about the idea, but wouldn’t necessarily follow through with doing it. The end of one of the quotes above says, “The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.”I agree with this. I don’t think you can compare the quality of having sex with one person than with having sex with two people.
I have personally never experienced a threesome, but to be honest the idea does not turn me off. That being said, like the article commented, threesomes almost always lead to a break up. Now this varies depending on the relationship and who the third party ends up being. Once when I was talking to a few friends, one of them brought up the fact that he had been apart of a threesome. He talked about how the relationship ended up being severed because of the the three way fling. Apparently the parties involved was his girlfriend, her cousin and him. My other friend said he was also a part of a threesome and it was between him and twins. Both of them stated that after a few sessions, the relationships ended… on a bad note. Now I do not know about you, but that sounds messy. Especially when the third person is somebody you’re close to. I know ideally one wouldn’t want the third person to be a complete stranger. In addition for some people the thought of the third addition being a friend, family, etc, is a thrill or turn on. But if I was to be a part of a threesome I would not want the third person to be someone I have an established relationship with. It can be complicated and romantic feeling may start to develop. In the popular hit show Gossip Girl, some of the characters end up having a three some and that ends up complicating a childhood friendship involved. When Dan who was involved reveals to Chuck that he had a threesome with his friend and girlfriend, Chuck lectures Dan on how “everybody” knows that when you have a threesome the third person is supposed to be a stranger. To summarize, if you’re considering a threesome with your partner make sure you both discuss and make sure the third person is a good fit for the team.
My ex left me because I wouldn’t participate in a 3some. He is now in a relationship with a bisexual girl and they are having 3somes. This has been going on for a year now. He constantly is in contact with me. Tells me how much he loves me, misses me, and I am always on his mind. He is still with her, tells me it’s because of the “3somes”. He also tells me that now he loves her too. He is torn and confused between us. I told him that there will be NOTHING for us again until he gets over her and the complications of his life. We had a very happy and sexual relationship for 5 years, and for 8 months we were sexually active when he was with her (yes she knew, it was an open relationship). I am just not comfortable in that situation, I know now I believe in monogamy. If the complications of 3somes make him happy, then so be it. I just don’t understand why he keeps his heart holding on to me?
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I was on retreat and not checking my blog.
As to your question, it may be due to socialization more than nature, but men seem to more easily distinguish between sex and love. So maybe he’s getting sex from this other woman but doesn’t love her (likely, since he barely knows her), whereas he loves you and misses you, but something that he wants sexually is missing. And that’s not your fault. You two just have different ideals and different emotional reactions to the idea of threesomes.
You might want to take a look at this post I wrote:
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
Thank you. I just read your blog. Everything in our relationship is/was amazing, Both sexually and loving. he and I are in agreement. He has stressed to me that the 3somes are becoming more and more “complicated”. I do NOT ask questions. I am and have always been a very positive and happy person. I want him to be happy and don’t want to interfere in his relationship. I am in his life right now for support. I do not give him any negative opinions.
I have been researching 3somes, and I do have open mind, like I have mentioned I am a very sexual person. My heart and body hopes everything works out for my ex.
I hope so too. Hope I could help. ☺️
I believe that most relationships won’t survive a threesome. There are people out there that do enjoy open relationships, but most people wouldn’t even feel comfortable being in a 3 way with each other. Someone I know has told me that they’ve done it before with the girls best friend and it didn’t end so well. The relationship as well as the friendship cease to exist. It really is all about how comfortable a person is and how open they are about their sexuality. Some people may be more sexually active and like more company during intercourse, but the social norm is a pair. I feel that men see it as an accomplishment they seek to achieve so they can show off and gloat. Not all cases are like this of course, but that’s how perceive these men and their agendas in this case.
Having had a threesome with my boyfriend, I say mostly, not in all cases, but mostly they cannot survive the aftermath.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I do not think that a relationship can survive a threesome due to the fact that it will lead to many conflicts such as, mistrust, jealousy, and aggression between the couple if things do not work as planned. I think that some women might be too self conscious and will be too worried on what their partner is thinking while involving another female into their private sexual life. As far as it comes to men, their might be a lot of selfishness when it comes to their partner because they do not want to share their partner. Many things can go wrong and it will all lead to mistrust. If one person in the relationship likes the experience of having a threesome and the other does not, it can lead to many disputes in the future. When it comes to aggression, it can make a person feel left out when only one partner is getting more attention than the other. Therefore, I believe that relationships can not survive a threesome.
I have heard about a “Menage a trois” I believe that these individuals that have this type of sexual encounters are for pleasure’s sake and not for a long term relationship. I don’t know anyone who participates in a threesome. You could say that if they were in some polygamy or polyandry, and that is your religious beliefs. I believe It would be very hard to be in a serious relationship for long term. Someone said in a previous comment, if someone were paid to act like they were happy. I couldn’t do it, it wouldn’t last for me because jealousy would come into play big time. I want my husband to myself and I think most couples feel the same way. And if they indulge in this at all it probably is a fantasy that they do like swingers, on occasion that is done in “secret”. I believe that people who indulge in this type of lifestyle, lustful, fetish but if it were a mutual arrangement maybe it could last, but I doubt it.
So in general, I don’t believe in poly-amorous relationships. They don’t tend to work out. I’ve a few friends that have attempted a relationship in which they’ve had plenty of threesomes, and each one has gone down in flames. I think, just like the blog states, that the idea of a threesome does sound intriguing. However, it definetly brings out unpleasantries. Jealousy is a serious side effect of treesomes and poly-amorous relations. The whole point of being in a relationship is to have one person for yourself.
I feel that threesomes are the type of thing where both parties in the relationship have to be equally into trying it, and the third party shouldn’t be a super close friend. I feel if its someone really close to the girl or guy in the relationship, things could get messy if the threesome doesn’t turn out like they thought it would. And that sometimes happens, which doesn’t always mean that is was a bad idea or can never be tried again but maybe just in the right circumstances. I also think its really interesting that in threesome culture its usually two girls and a guy, which may be because that’s what is seen in porn, but in my experience, guys are just really not into have another guy there. That may also play into the thought that threesomes are mostly just for the guys pleasure and not the girls.
With women, I don’t want to generalize but I would say that with us it can oftentimes be difficult to detach the emotional from the physical. With men, I think that it would be more so easier to detach and just be into the moment and enjoy the physical. Personally I think that’s why the concept of a one night stand is so hard for me to grasp. With relationships that aren’t firmly planted in trust and security I could see it leading to confusion and jealousy. However, I would agree with some of the comments that it is 100% about communicating what you want out of that experience and what your fears/desires are. With open communication between all three people in the right environment and in a stable relationship whether polygamous, polyamory or monogamous (usually) I think it can be a positive experience. In our society though I don’t think those parameters are met often and I agree with you that the woman may just end up being self-conscious. Many people end up being in a three-some just to make their partner happy and that definitely will not work out in the long run.
Thanks for adding your two cents.
Great post! I personally would never have a threesome again! I had a threesome once when I was about 18 and it was the worse. I had a older boyfriend at the time and thought it was pretty cool so I wanted to do whatever to make him happy.Long story short I ended up asking one of my best friends to have a threesome with us, which ended in me feeling really uncomfortable and him asking for another one! After having a threesome it’s kind of like I knew our relationship was over because he wanted more, I didn’t like sharing, and I could never stay with someone who’s slept with my best friend. In my relationship now my fiance has never asked me for a threesome and I would never agree to one, I feel like to much is at risk and the fact that most relationships don’t make it after is enough for me!
I’m glad you liked the post. Thanks for sharing.
Personally, I think threesomes are not the best idea if you are in a relationship because the relationship will probably not last very long.
I definitely agree with the post because I don’t think many women fantasize about wanting a threesome as much as men do. Even though women don’t necessarily want to be involved in a threesome, they will do it just to make their partner happy. However, I also think that if women were to have a threesome they would rather have two men instead of two women.
Either way, I believe that during the threesome, depending on who the other person is, there will be insecurities, jealousy, and many questions running through your mind that will lead to a break up.
Hi Georgia, after giving this subject more thought, I think it comes down to the question of: What is love? Since I base my philosophy on science, then I have to look at the genetics: in participial, the phenotype of the each in a threesome.
Can one, genetically, be capable of loving (in all senses of the word) someone of either sex? Secondly, can one person love two people equally and with all honesty and passion? If so, then if all three partners were of such a genotype, then I suspose, since love is inexoribly a genetic attribute, I would have to say that survival is entirely possible.
Obviously, I am only speculating. I have no choice, since I am without a doubt, solidly heterosexual. I can, however, understand that a person can love (and not exclusively sexually) two different women at the same time.
1) Can we be capable of loving (in all senses of the word) someone of either sex?
Some people can.
2) can one person love two people equally and with all honesty and passion?
Maybe some people can. I don’t know if there is any data on this.
3) If so, then if all three partners were of such a genotype, then I suspose, since love is inexoribly a genetic attribute, I would have to say that survival is entirely possible.
Like I said in the post:
Can a relationship survive a threesome? *SOME DO* but it seems they usually don’t.
Maybe the failure rate isn’t so surprising given the lopsided interest of men. While up to two-thirds of men want threesomes, only 10% of women do.
(So) If you want a threesome like those you see in porn you’ll *PROBABLY* have to do what they do in porn: pay a couple of women to act like they’re loving it.
I like this post a lot. more and more man have this fantasy in these days, one of reason is threesome is not easy to accomplish, for a couple, it’s involved their partners, man need to ask them for approval, once their partner don’t have feelings for threesome or even hate it, this will become his fantasy forever, unless he can find a new partner who is also a big fan of threesome, relationship is about two people, that’s why they called couple, not triple. two people fall in love and be in a relationship that means, they are really close to each other, they are comfortable with each other, nothing can stand between them, once your partner wants to have other people to join your sex life, that means something wrong with your relationship. of course he can have his fantasy, but meanwhile, he need to care about your feelings as well.
Like any sexual encounter I believe that threesomes need to be discussed. All parties should feel comfortable during sex and if not I believe there should be a safe word, or something similar, to be sure all parties in the threesome are always feeling comfortable. Like any human being out there I have thought about having a threesome with my significant other and debated on the pros and cons. I believe if a couple is considering a threesome they should do it because they both want to do it and not because they are feeling pressured or want to please their partner. Sex is about feeling good and being comfortable so that should always be the main priority in any type of sexual encounter.
Thanks for your thoughts.
My fiance and I have been together for over 4 yrars. He has a very physical and tiring job so we only have sex once a week if that because he’s tired.. I am more sexual and would like sex more but I understand how taxing his job is. He decided one day to go on an adult sex sight to find a girl to have a three some with behind my back.. He made a profile basically describing the kind of girl he would like and made no mention of me. I only found out when I went in his phone to find something in his history that I had previously looked at and saw this sex sight and how he was on it picking out girls etc.. I confronted him and he said he was trying to spice up our sex life.. We only have sex once a week and it’s good how do we need spice.. I told him we should have sex more and a three some makes no sense.. I don’t want it I just want to have sex with him more but now I’m afraid he won’t let it go especially since he went that far to be sneaky.. Like if someone agreed how was he going to approach me saying I been looking on a website for a girl… Now I feel he really wants and needs this and that I’m not enough and if he don’t get it will he go behind my back… Help
I’m afraid that I’m a sociologist and not an advice columnist, but here are my thoughts anyway:
I think you and your fiancé should have a talk about what your values and desires and goals for the relationship are. See if you two are a good fit in terms of your priorities. If you are not a good fit, I wouldn’t really expect him to change, So you need to consider whether you think you would be better off with or without him. Sometimes men will change but it’s my experience that you have to be willing to walk away for that to happen.
You might also want to take a look at this:
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
Hey,
I was in a very similar situation! Considering your post is pretty recent, were you able to come to terms with his behaviour? Does he defend or say that he would do it in reality and was just fooling around? It gets impossible to trust at times. I get completely freaked out on even the thought of it. Marriage is close and I am getting extremely anxious. Need help from someone who experienced it too. Thanks a lot!
I think that whether or not your relationship survives a threesome depends on the strength and honesty of your relationship. If your relationship isn’t a strong one, a threesome can be the last straw and the dissolution of it. And if you’re relationship isn’t an honest one, and the honest reasons behind why you want a threesome aren’t discussed, it could also mean the end of your relationship. I think they key to having a thriving relationship including threesomes lies in being honest with your partner, and being honest with yourself as to whether or not your relationship is strong enough to survive a threesome.
Seems to work for some people.
Thank you for the article Professor Platts. I think that if your in a relationship and want to “spice things up” then you should sit down with your partner and follow some guidelines and boundaries that you both agree on before hand.
You’re welcome. Thanks for your thoughts.
First of all, wow soo many comments, and everything that i am about to say will probably just be repetitive, but i’m still gonna go for it, hehe. Alright, so from what i have experienced, the majority of women never dream of having a threesome and aren’t ever interested until their boyfriend of one year pops up the question, “are you down for a threesome?” And the reason for this is that when a woman has sex with her partner, she knows that he is focused on her, and she is focused on herself (in most cases). However, whenever another woman comes into the situation, the man’s original partner starts to compare herself to the other woman and asks herself, “is she better looking than me? Is she better than me in bed?” that same would be true if it were that other way around with two men, “is he bigger than me? Does she moan louder with him?” It’s honestly a recipe for disaster in my opinion, and you live and you learn from your mistakes.
Sounds about right.
Interesting topic!
I think it’s safe to say that many males have fantasized about threesomes at some point, but to think about a relationship surviving a threesome is a little bit different. Personally, I don’t see myself happy in a relationship if my significant other fantasized about there being another woman. I think it would eventually sabotage the relationship because of my own jealousy and mistrust. If the person I am with desires a threesome, I cannot imagine trusting him in other circumstances because he clearly is not completely satisfied with just being with me. I think that couples turn towards threesomes to spark up their relationship and make it more exciting but I would rather find ways to make my own relationship more exciting by trying new things with my partner. Also, I think that like most women and men double standards, I do not think that the male in the relationship would feel comfortable with there being another man or his partner fantasizing about being with another man.
I think that threesomes generally don’t work in relationships because of many underlying societal issues. If a man has a threesome with 2 women, the women will naturally compare themselves to each other. They will be too focused on how much prettier the other is, why he’s giving her more attention, etc. Women are taught to compete with each other, which I think would immediately take the fun out of a threesome. We are also taught that one day we will grow up and get married to our “prince charming” and lead a fairytale lifestyle full of monogamous love. Obviously a threesome doesn’t fit that mold of perfection that girls are taught to subscribe to from birth. All of these notions that society enforces makes a threesome seem very unnatural and strange, and very male centric. As this post stated, it is common for a woman to agree to a threesome just for the pleasure of her boyfriend or husband. It is unlikely for a male to agree to have a threesome with two men and one woman, probably because he is under the impression that the threesome is designed to feed his own ego and not the woman’s.
I had a threesome with my best friend and my husband.. I’m stomach sick over how he held her body in his arms and how he was so into her body … I’m not sure if I will ever get over it … ??
So sorry you had a bad experience. I can imagine that that would be difficult.
Threesome is one of the most disgusting things that I have ever known. In my opinion, a relationship is supposed to be a commitment between only two people. Moreover, sexual intercourse should be known as a nature’s gift for people who are in love. I think that we should not take sex just for fun or physical needs. It might sound cliché but sex helps people fall in love with each other so that it is very meaningful and valuable. In my opinion, I do not think threesome is a good idea under any circumstances. If a man has a thought of threesome, it must be sure that he does not really regard to love. This man wants his desire to be satisfied rather than thinking of sexual intercourse as a way to express love to his partner. In fact, threesome does nothing but helps enhance sexual satisfaction. Also, threesome is more likely to be a cheating act but in an obvious way. Therefore, I do not agree that threesome makes relationships survive. If it really does, then that relationship might be friends with benefits or just prostitutes because a real and healthy relationship is meant to be for only two people. Sexual intercourse is way that a couple use to express their love to each other, which is more important than only for satisfaction.
It’s interesting that when someone is talking about a threesome it’s always about FMF threesomes. Even when women mention the word “threesome” they exclusively mean FMF
I wonder if that’s because of porn usually depicting FMF?
And the increase of interest in threesomes seems to be due to much more porn watching with the Internet.
Ooh, glad I picked this one to read, since I gotta add and/or respectfully disagree all over the place! 🙂 I’ve heard plenty of talk of two-men threesomes, to the point that it seems more common than two-women ones. And if two women are more likely to share in the experience, why not frame it as a positive statement about women’s openness to community? Or, if you’d rather be misadronistic about it, that men are petty little jealousy-ridden control freaks who can’t share love and need to own their partners?
And while porn has undoubtedly influenced our culture, to a tragic extent I’d say (as a direct result of the dismal failure of “sex ed” in our Puritan-political country, leaving porn as the only place a lot of kids can go to find answers) I like to think interest in threesomes has also increased as a direct result of the opening of our minds, as we move into a more pluralistic world and away from the false dichotomies with which we’ve comforted ourselves. Virgin v whore. Swingers v decent humans.
Personally, I think there is a marvelous variety in human minds, souls, and tastes, and if threesomes make three people happy, I’m all for it. If others choose not to have them, I’m all for that too. But I don’t need to ridicule either side, or say they’re poisoning/abusing anyone.
Okay, but I don’t see that you are disagreeing all over the place. There’s a correlation between porn use and desire for threesomes, which is not necessarily causal. But at the same time, men are much more likely to watch porn and they’re the ones who are much more likely to want threesomes, suggesting it’s not just a general opening of the mind, but that pornography is playing a role. And I wasn’t aware that anyone was ridiculing either side in this conversation.
True, I much prefer adding to discussion, versus disagreeing. 😉 I’m adding all over the place. I think it’s a matter of focus. One can be conscious of patriarchy and things men do wrong, while still choosing to recognize positivity at the same time. Not that I’m saying you don’t, just that I do.
Some porn is bad news, some is a delightful celebration of human sexuality, and most of the time it depends on the viewer.
Some men do terrible things, sometimes overtly and often passively, some men do wonderful things, again with a blend of overt and passive, probably a lot of overlap, but I’m gonna believe that there’s more positive than negative for the group, the evening news notwithstanding.
And some threesomes wreck relationships, some add, develop, and enrich them. Some are fun, an awful lot are pretty awkward, and at the end of the day statements like “Threesomes are caused by ___” or “Threesomes are bad” etc do an injustice to the variability of the human experience, and rob everyone involved of their agency. (Not that I expect every commenter to take that into account, but I wanted to chip it in here, one more time.)
I personally didn’t write that threesomes are bad. I wrote that they don’t usually seem to work very well, based on the experiences of my friends, and things people have written about that I cited — like the guy’s experience I referred to in the post and the psychologist.
I did mention that a threesome did work for one of my friends, but that he was in the minority. And even then, “work” might be an exaggeration. He his wife are still married. But they had huge fights about having an open relationship. He wanted to and she didn’t. Now they are perfectly friendly with each other but she seems to be more emotionally attached to the husband of the woman who her husband wanted to open up the relationship with. I had a talk with him once about improving the emotional connection in his marriage and he didn’t think that was possible.
But I also created a post written by a blog comment by someone who said that they can work or not and who lent her own experience. https://broadblogs.com/2013/10/14/threesomes-can-be-fun-or-not/
As to whether people prefer MMF or FFM, maybe the people you hang around with are more into MMF, or maybe people who are really serious about it are. But when I surveyed my students — and when one of my students surveyed her friends — we both got data showing that both men and women we’re more interested in FFM. My data showed only one in 10 women interested at all, and that reflected larger studies I’ve seen.
As for porn I didn’t make a judgment as to whether it was good or bad and I think it does depend on the content and the usage (does it get in the way of your life?)
I’m not sure if you understand that “patriarchy” does not mean “men.” (a lot of people get confused, But it would be boring if I made the distinction every time I wrote about it) I couldn’t tell by your comment, what you were trying to say. But patriarchy and men are two different things. Just like “whites” and “white supremacy” are two different things. I’m against white supremacy, but I’m white, myself, and I think that white people are just fine. Whites are some of my best friends, as they say. And while I’m against patriarchy, I think that men are just fine — even married one. And in fact, research shows that feminist people (male and female) like men more than non-feminists do. https://broadblogs.com/2015/05/22/feminists-like-men-more-than-non-feminists-do/
Ah, I see I should have put in more disclaimers of “I’m not saying YOU are saying ‘Threesomes are bad.'” and do appreciate your inclusion of an alternate experience. And indeed, including a full volume of clarifications in every comment gets just a bit laborious, so I used the shortcut “patriarchy”. And again, I appreciate you’re articulation of the distinction between patriarchal (which has taken its own interesting downward path) and male (being cis-male and whatnot). 😉
But, to add again: I’m not sure a few anecdotes of failed threesomes and surveys of people not yet out of college are the best basis for conclusions. Threesomes are still heavily stigmatized in our culture, and I’m not sure that many people are willing to try them, and if they do and it’s amazing, are willing to say “Hey guys! My wife and I had an amazing threesome last weekend!” Though man, what good bus eavesdropping THAT would be.
I think there’s also a reporting bias, in that people who have satisfying experiences don’t necessarily find forums like this to talk about them. I think if you had someone on FetLife or one of “those” communities write an opinion of them, it would have a different tone. Maybe a bit more uplifting?
It wasn’t just surveys of people not yet out of college. My women students’ 1/10 feeling of disinterest was mirrored by national samples. (And by the way, you would think that young women in their early 20s who live in the San Francisco Bay Area would be among the most open-minded women around.)
And even if people from FetLife commented there would still be a bias because you have a group of people who have self-selected and who continue to be interested. That’s hardly a cross section of the human experience in America.
Regarding anecdotes, here’s another one. A friend of mine wrote this post that I put on my blog — a different friend than the other non-monogamous one I told you about:
My Polyamory Journey https://broadblogs.com/2014/10/20/my-polyamory-journey/
In his case he sees non-monogamy as his sexual orientation. His wife gave it a try to but decided she didn’t like it, so it’s not for everyone. And one of the commenters on this post is from one of his friends who has also tried an open relationship. Her husband is good with it but she is not, and she is struggling and asking him for advice. Which he hasn’t offered yet. I suggested he write another post to try to address the questions.
But it’s not just anecdotes.
John and Barbara Williamson started an open relationship retreat in which people who were open to the idea self-selected into it. And it didn’t even work for the vast majority of them. Academic, Warren Farrell said that most of the people who tried it said they were glad they did, that they had learned about themselves and they had grown. They said they we’re so glad they had tried it. But they also said they would never do it again. In the end, the great majority opted for monogamous relationships. Video here:
And see this post, too. More researchers exploring this question:
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On? https://broadblogs.com/2011/07/11/why-hasn%e2%80%99t-open-marriage-caught-on/
Other researchers have found evidence that about 75% of us prefer monogamy and about 25% prefer more open relationships. See “Challenging Casanova” by Andrew Smiler.
I don’t doubt that some people are better off in open relationships, but people often think that everyone is the same way they are, and if everyone just had this wonderful opportunity they would all love it.
If you look at the comments on this post you will see some variation. Some people are into non-monogamy and some people aren’t. More people aren’t, and that tracks with what the research would predict.
The marvelous variety of humanity! That different things work for different people is part of why I find us a beautiful species (even as we destroy ourselves). And speaking of what works for us, I saw this yesterday and found it interesting. And could potentially bear on why FFM threesomes might seem more numerous:
http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/study-suggests-women-are-all-bisexual-or-gay-almost-never-straight
Thanks for the link!
I took a look at it and wondered if you had seen these blog posts I’ve written:
Women Learn the Breast Fetish, Too
Women Seeing Women as Sexier than Men
Are Women Sexually Ravenous?
Women Are More Sexually Fluid
Sexual Fluidity, Images & Biology
(I have another post on fluidity coming up this month.)
A few experts:
Wire women up to measure vaginal blood flow and, it turns out, they get aroused at the sight of pretty much anything having sex, according to widely cited research by Queen’s University psychology professor, Meredith Chivers.
Even bonobos — an ape species — got women going.
Chivers isn’t entirely sure what to make of it all. Since women’s blood flow rose in every sexual situation they viewed, including the bonobos – and because lubrication (and blood flow) also increase among rape victims when sex is unwanted – she speculates that women’s bodies may lubricate whenever a sexual signal arises in order to reduce discomfort, and the possibility of injury, during penetration. With this need, women’s bodies may simply be much more sensitive to any sexual signal than men’s, whether or not they feel sexually aroused.
(This) research (all studying the vagina and not clitoris) says nothing about women FEELING aroused. (and I don’t think that any women feel aroused by bonobos)
And in fact, the corollary to the penis is the clitoris, not the vagina. The penis and clitoris can both become erect, creating a mental state of sexual excitement. Yet no research has determined what gets the clit going.
One study found that when both the clitoris and vagina were aroused, and then a woman was startled, the clitoris lost responsiveness in a way that the vagina did not.
So who knows, that vaginal blood rush may be registering fear — perhaps nature’s way of protecting women’s bodies from assault — rather than indicating a state of sexual interest, suggests Alice Dreger, a Professor at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine.
Be sure to read this:
Sexual Fluidity, Images & Biology
Which makes the finding quoted below less surprising. (And thanks for the link. Gives me new blog post ideas.)
“Previous studies using volunteers to investigate the sexual arousal of both men and women have been conducted. Many have suggested that women are, on average, physiologically aroused – as in, showing physical changes in their bodies indicating attraction – to both male and female sexual stimuli. The same is apparently not true for lesbians as, surprisingly, they are significantly more aroused by their own sex than by the opposite sex.”
I personally don’t think that a relationship can really handle being a threesome type of thing. Me as a young lady i don’t feel like that would be okay in any aspect. I feel as though if you are committing yourself to some one it should really only be with that one person not with two people and yourself. It should be more of a sacred type of thing and i truly do think that very many people are losing sight of that.
Ok… Let me just say how incorrect this article is on a lot of issues. I just had a threesome with my boyfriend of almost 8 years, and my best friend of 15 years, and it was AWESOME!!! If anything it brought me and my boyfriend more together then anything!!! I care about both of them alot, so there was no feelings of jealousy or envy at all. I just seen it as only a physically sexual thing, and that’s it! If u can separate your feelings and thoughts I think u can handle a threesome, but if u can’t then it will destroy everything. I hope this was helpful for some of you who are thinking about having a threesome one day.
You didn’t read the post very well then. I didn’t say it was impossible (and mentioned a friend of mine where it worked — even though it didn’t work with any of my other friends… And others have found the same pattern. Even posted Bluebirds response. She said it works sometimes but not other times for her.)
I said that it’s unlikely, given the lopsided interest, and explained why it might not be. Which many have agreed with.
Are you guys still together?
On one hand, it is not surprising that a large portion of men, have either thought about the experience of a threesome or actually took in one- the interesting part, is the percentage of participation from women and reasoning for why they partake; most people have sexual fantasies, whether they admit them publicly or not, the truth lies in the survey (it is a faceless answer). I would imagine the percentage of women and men interested in a threesome, being even. If you are in a relationship, a threesome will not work. There is no way to account for all emotions potentially being expressed, during and after the experience. You cannot please everyone, nor can you for see the inevitable tangling of feelings soon to come. Adventurous couples will attempt the act, but one must be fully aware of the risk being taken. The idea of having multiple sex partners at once, is appealing to some, I think mainly because of the lust to imitate what is frequently shown on porn sites. Everyone isn’t a professional.
The numbers I site: 1/10 women interested and up to 2/3 of men actually come from “survey (a faceless answer)” data. And it makes a lot of sense that guys would be more interested for these reasons: they are much more likely to watch porn, where threesomes are such a big deal (in fact, men are much more likely to have this fantasy now than they did years ago because of the porn exposure), and because men are more likely to get excited by body parts. The guy is likely to get excited by the women’s breasts/butt. What’s she supposed to get all excited about? Women can learn the breast fetish too, but in this situation many women will feel more competition than excitement.
There was an episode of Gossip Girl, a popular tv show, where one of the characters, Dan Humphrey and his girlfriend try out having a threesome. And it turns out to be a really bad idea because the girlfriend gets jealous of the other woman who is being intimate with her boyfriend. Just like you said, the girlfriend started becoming self conscious about herself. So yeah this article just reminded me of that one episode. In any case, one of my ex-boyfriend actually suggested that we have a threesome with someone else. Many things came to mind when he asked this, first who it would be? second, how would you even ask that person to do such an intimate task? But anyway, I said no because I am not really super cool with the idea of another person being intimate with my boyfriend.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I have a boyfriend and of course we have talked about it, but me personally I couldn’t do it. I am a very protective/ Jealous girlfriend and what’s mine is mine; I don’t like to share. I believe that it can possibly ruin a relationship and from what I have read it seems like many couples who have done this have broken up. I just don’t think one night of fantasy is worth your whole relationship. I think you can fantasize about it with your man with out having to go out and do one.
Threesomes for me are a disaster. I been offered, but I have never tried… like I always said “I don’t share my plate, won’t share myself”. I believe that the threesomes that actually works is when none of the people in it has a intimacy relationship before, or like each other. I don’t know for guys, but it might work for both sex’s.
I have heard histories, one of them from my friend. She has a boyfriend for almost 5 years, and one girl-friend asked to my friend for a threesome, between my friend, her boyfriend,a dn the girl. They did, but my friend got into the girl (she is bisexual), and her boyfriend started to feel left out. So those 3 people finished bad. My friend realized that the girl-friend was not worth it, and finished their friendship, and she continued with her boyfriend. She said, if she had a chance to turn back time, she wouldn’t have done it.
For myself, I feel comfortable staying away those unnecessary problems, emotions and insecurities from threesomes. Some times you have to see the possible results of your actions before committing them.
So many couple who breaks up after having threesome shows that it might inflict a partner badly. I believe that people who want to have threesome are obsessed with excitement and curiosity. Having sex is not only about excitement, but also about respect and love. If your partner likes to have threesome, then it’s fine. But if your partner doesn’t want it, then respect him/her and don’t force him/her to do it for you. Does your satisfaction worth more than the tears of your partner?
my wife has a fantasy to have threesome with two other men. I am not into the multiple men. but last week at my bday party I walked in on her fulfilling her sexual desire to have two other men. I don’t know what to do I don’t know what the next steps are to dealing with my emotions.. feel betrayed.
I’m so sorry. Maybe you and your wife could do some joint counseling?
Otherwise, I wrote this post which may or may not be relevant:
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
So you weren’t a part of this at all? Then it’s cheating.
We had a threesome though it was my husband who has ended up hating me. Guess now I am ruined or something
Sorry. One of the unforeseen risks! Thanks for sharing your experience.
I am very shocked by his reaction because it was a woman who we did it with
It’s not the first time I’ve heard about a guy having this reaction. Sometimes people aren’t very consistent, And respond in ways that they wouldn’t have expected to, themselves.
You can anticipate what you might feel like before something but you can’t be 100% sure until you are faced with the situation. It happens to all of us at some point in our life although it’s not always around sex.
I like your post
Soo….To anybody who curious to make their mate “happy” DON’T
On the other hand if your curious to experiment GO Ahead! If you a comfortable enough and you trust him he trust you. You two are happy and excited to make each other happy not just one side. Then go for it …Must set rules and boundaries and can never go behind each other’s back.. …
My first experience was awkward I didn’t enjoy I lied and told my BF I had done it before so he pressured me into trying it with him. I felt embarrassed while sexing I felt jealous because she was alot more curved and experienced than me an I was older. Thing’s he said and did to her I didnt get during sex. So it was cool for the moment’s we were sexing but the next few months were kinda not to my liking. We had to regain TRUST!
Sooo we tried it again only this time we were both in tune and i was not jealous this time but I realized I didn’t like to participate with my man and another woman since then we have had other incounters but I don’t prefer to participate. I’m not sexually turned on by women it turnes me off I’m just turned ob by my man’s happiness. Can A Relationship Survive A Threesom?? That depends all on the couple and their endurance
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I think threesomes would never be considered in a truly loving relationship, but those, I believe, are very rare indeed. The psychology behind such thoughts can be, emotionally, very complex.
I imagine the thoughts would be pretty darn complex. Thanks for chiming in.
This a great post that portrays the two “typical” views of threesomes. I do not have a 100% locked in answer to the question “Can a relationship survive a threesome?” But I am leaning towards no it cannot. The comment on another post about women being nurturing and caring even in bedroom was not far from the truth in my opinion. I am not agreeing that this is how things should be but it is how things seem to be with threesomes involving two females. As a heterosexual female, the reason I would consider a threesome would be for the pleasure of a male and I assume that other heterosexual females feel similarly. This relates to the traditional gender role of a women to serve the sexual needs to a male –procreate. Unfortunately these ideals still exist in society through porn, threesome idealizations, etc. Even though there is the notion of women are now as equal as men, these ideals prove otherwise.
“Over time men have become increasingly enamored of this fantasy, with somewhere between one-third and two-thirds of men now having lusty visions of three-ways”. I strongest disagree this statement. Although my age is not comparable to married men, yet this type of idea is indeed very odd for me. Through my experience and knowledge, I have never heard of such ideology. Perhaps, it is because of my ethnicity. Being a Chinese, conservative perception are extremely common, threesome is out of table. As marriage carried on, a couple might find themselves less interested at sex. Then some spices can enhance sex life. Yet, I honest doubt the choice of threesome.
I’m not sure why you are disagreeing because you are actually making my point.
1) I didn’t say all men, I said that a lot of men had developed this taste. You are obviously someone who has not.
2) I said it was culturally learned — as evidenced by the change over time. With men more interested in threesomes now then they were several years ago. By the same token, you said that in China they don’t have this sort of thing in the culture, or at least not very much, So you didn’t learn it.
I don’t understand how a relationship can survive after having a threesome… I think the jealousy would just kill us. Even just the idea of it makes me feel strange… I’m not sure it’s a cultural thing or what, but if I suggest this to my partner, I bet she’d definitely think I’m a horny slut who is either not satisfied by our sex or just not into her anymore.
Speaking of threesome, it reminds me of what my girlfriend told me before about her friend’s experience of S&M. Her friend (let’s call her Jane) is not a fan of S&M, while her girlfriend is. Jane didn’t know it until she found out her girlfriend had a male sex partner for a while because she wasn’t satisfied by their normal sex. They talked about it afterwards and Jane agreed to try it with her so her girlfriend can stop having sex with other people.
Obviously, it didn’t end well. Since Jane doesn’t like it. So they broke up after that.
I haven’t experience anything similar to that, but I just feel bad for Jane. They had been together for years already, and she wouldn’t expect anything like this to happen at all. Apparently, if you have special needs for sex, you really need to talk to your partner about it. If not you will just make the relationship ugly.
Too bad. But it’s best for people to match up with people who have similar sexual interests. I expect she’ll be able to find someone who’s more sexually compatible with her in the future.
After reading this, and many of the comments. I would agree with the comments that a threesome in a relationship would just be a bad idea. In my relationship I don’t care about sleeping with any other women, I am happy just having my one girlfriend to fulfill any sexual desires.
A while ago I watched a documentary (I cannot remember the name) but they had a section about couples that had three ways, they all were comfortable enough in their own relationships to allow others into their intimate lives. They all talked about how they needed to feel perfectly trusting of each other before having a three way. I would like to be in a relationship that strong as these couples were, where you could have three ways and anything like that without any judgement towards each other but still perfect love.
I also agree that nobody should have a three way if they don’t want to no matter how much their partner may want it.
I have never understood why women in relationships agree to have threesomes. Why would you want to watch your partner have sexual relations with another women? How could you ever trust that person again? How could you ever enjoy having sex with that person again if they’ve been with someone else? I am not surprised at all that only 10% of women actually want to engage in a threesome. I am also not surprised at all that majority of relationships end after engaging in a threesome. To me, sex is not just about a physical connection; sex is about a deeper, loving connection. This topic interests me so I googled the differences in men and women’s sex drives. I stumbled upon this article by Richard Sine. The article said that “Study after study shows that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but much more straightforward.” Does that mean that men are capable of having sex without emotions at all because their sex drives are “straightforward”. Why aren’t women capable of doing that or are they? Is there something wrong with being complicated and not straightforward? Women are already at a disadvantage because of cultural and societal standards and expectations. I feel like women are being used in threesomes. Overall I do not think a threesome would help a relationship. I would love to get insight from a woman who enjoys having threesomes and is still in a functioning, respectful relationship.
If you want to spice your relationship you could try role playing or you could pretend you are perfect strangers and you just met and he is trying to seduce you and go on a date for the first time and pretend you just getting to know each other from the beginning
Sounds like a good idea.
I do not think it’s a great Idea, for both women and men, to agree or accept to have a third person on the same bed…I think it’s stupid, because you can get sick or lost the person you love. The are other ways available to make sex better for both gender. You can get yourself a therapist (Someone who can give you advices) to keep your relationship or marriage safe and healthy. And your partner forces you to accept or agree to have a third person or threesome on the bed oe in your relationship, breakup with him or her. Because if he or she care about you they won’t take that stupid decision. They’ll \ rather find a ways to make things better for the both of you. Beside earth has infinite amount of handsome, beautiful, caring loving and smart people, so you’ll never run out of love or relationship/.
i do not think that relationships could survive a threesome. I believe in monogamy to the fullest. That is the only way to go about a relationship. If you are in a relationship with one person, there should be no one else in between you guys. I would view my partner in a totally different way, because the way she shows affection to me, she showed to someone else. Correct me if I am wrong, but that means, that she likes the other person, just as much as she likes me. Im the type of person that if a girl shows the same affection to me ,to another girl, i would be doubling thinking the entire relationship.
Don’t do it! It won’t work. Trust me. That’s all I am gonna say.
Thanks when I was young I didn’t care and had sex for the sake of it😔. I will have to think more your right if I am not 100% sure then I shouldn’t. I’m also concerned I may feel a bit dirty/slutty. I have a lot of regret of my younger days and don’t want it to follow on with my life now.😊
Yes well funny you mention that from how he is talking it more the thought of another man shagging me. He does not want the man to touch him and he doesn’t want to touch the guy either. He has also given me a free pass (as he is away at the moment) so long as I video tape me doing the deed with the other man. What concerns me is I’m not 18 anymore so now for me to really enjoy sex I would need a connection with the person I’m doing it with. And I now longer have sex unless I get pleasure also.. Anyway
I’m glad you no longer have sex unless you are also getting pleasure. I have heard that a lot of guys get aroused by watching his partner have sex with another man. Some people in evolutionary psychology think it’s for the same reason that women have multiple orgasms: perhaps in the past women had sex with lots a men at the same time, and may the best sperm win!
In the end, I guess is best to do what feels the most right, Overall.
I feel like now a days men ask for a threesome because of multiple reasons like there friends did it with there girlfriend, it would be something new for us to try, or they want to say they have had a threesome with two woman at the same time. When it comes to a three some in a relationship I do agree with this article and that they do make a relationship worse. I have been personally asked to have a three some with another women when I was in a relationship. And just like this article says I started to think maybe he doesn’t find me attractive and that’s why he wants a threesome. Also I feel like a relationship should be between two people only weather its a same gender couple or different gender couples. And this way your not competing for someones attention but you are actually connecting with each other.
My husband and I have been talking about a threesome but with another man.. I couldn’t have a girl I would/am to jealous. He respects and loves me but I am in two minds about it? On one hand I am turned on and the other I worry will it end the relationship..
And it does seem to end a lot of relationships, So it makes sense to be cautious. I wonder how he would feel if you suggested having another man in bed? Who knows, maybe he would like it and not be the least bit worried.
I think It depends on what kind of relationship you are in because if you are in a monogomous relationship you probably wont be able to survive having a threesome but if you are a couple that enjoys having flings or experimenting then you might. Overall I think that It would be very hard to deal with seeing you man or women get pleasure infront of your eyes. This is avery interesting article to me because I was once asked by someone if I would like to have a threesome and it totally threw me off becuase i felt as if he wanted to have sex with someone else and didnt want cheat so he thought itd e okay if we agreed. But I mean I could be wrong It just depends on how well you communicate and what you are willing to do or not.
This is true in many ways. Women tend to be the more jealous type if you are having a threesome with two girls. They would wonder if the only reason the man want this is because the other woman looks, or do they have a connection with each other. As for men it true that they compare it to a buffet. They get all they want but in the end they would miss the ways of a real relationship. Being with the person that you love and know each others flaws. That is what it take to have a lasting relationship.
Hello.. I was looking about it, because, I would like to do a treesome with my Boyfriend. But, It’s hard find a women who want sharing time with us, and have a good time.
I think communication and trust are essencial to do this.
Thanks for your thoughts. Problems can pop up in a variety of ways.
Very interesting topic, I have had friends and people that I met that have discussed their threesome experiences and I guess for some people it works and for others it just becomes a big drama scene. Many stories that I have heard are very interesting and I just ask myself if I would ever feel the same way they do about having a threesome. I believe this article can inform a couple what can happen if they experience one or just how it can really effect a person when they do. All I know when I was asked to have a threesome I was just surprised and wouldn’t even dare to do it because I just don’t feel right in doing it. But everyone is different so good luck for the couples that want to experience a threesome.
This post is interesting, but the comments section is even more so…. First it seems as if all of the posts are by people who are already dead set against the idea of any kind of three some, and that most of the reasons against seem to be based on either jealousy issues, or on insecurities issues of the female participants, while I am totally respectful of the sincerity of these beliefs being posted, I feel as if most posters are trapped in a 1950’s esque trap where love is a rigid two person experience, and that those who don’t feel the same must be asking for trouble, or are misguided by lust, or porn. I as a man who loves his wife more than the world itself, who has children, and has had a multi person sexual escapade, can easily say that the experience made my marriage, and my love for my wife stronger. I also feel like love is not something that you feel for a finite amount of time, the woman my wife choose was a friend of hers, who I have known/been friends with for quite sometime. Disclaimer, I didn’t want our third to be some random person because I only want to have sex/feel loved by someone whom I have an emotional connection too. That is why I have only ever had my wife as a sexual partner, as well as her friend. I felt comfortable telling my wife how much I care for her friend as a person not just a sexual object, and I still feel comfortable saying that to either of them because honesty is the only way to truly show someone you love them. I also feel comfortable saying that loving/caring for someone else doesn’t diminish the love I have for my wife at all. Much like loving my daughter, or father, or mother, or female friend it in no way diminishes my love for my wife, quite the contrary, those other loves have taught me how to be a better person/lover/husband. Also I wholeheartedly believe that if the idea doesn’t work for you because of whatever reason you have, it is important to be honest with yourself about your own personal limitations and not try to change yourself at your core to please someone else. But I am here to show that not all men are porn driven pervs who want things because society tells us to want them. Some of us just love differently.
I’ll be the first to admit that society could well be playing a huge role in this. My area of expertise is the social construction of reality — including the social construction of sexuality.
When it comes to sexuality there tends to be a mix of biology and society. There is a biological sex drive, But how it is expressed varies from society to society — and even person-to-person. Evidence of the effects of biology on desires to be monogamous or polygamous is controversial.
– Some say we are all naturally polygamous: Ryan: “sex at dawn”
– One school of evolutionary psychology (the most well-known) says men are naturally polygamous and women are naturally monogamous. Which I find annoying because it upholds the double standard https://broadblogs.com/2010/12/20/are-women-naturally-monogamous-2/
– Another school of evolutionary psychology suggests we are all more naturally monogamous. See “Challenging Casanova” by Andrew Smiler and this post https://broadblogs.com/2013/08/12/women-want-betas/
That said, people feel what they feel, And it’s only a problem if there is a mismatch.
If you have two people who prefer monogamous soulmates, then there’s really no problem. If you have to people who prefer open marriages or polyamory, Then that’s fine.
The problem comes when you have a society that shames people who prefer multiple partners. Or increasingly, people who shame those who prefer to have just one partner (“1950s trap”).
And I believe that men aren’t all porn-driven pervs. A couple posts:
My Polyamory Journey
How Guys Think About and Dating
I have had a threesome with my husother woman was around with another woman but he was more interested her… Well i should say 2x he was more interested n them. It has been 12 years since he has ever gone down on me and it was kinda awkward That he went down on me when the other woman was around so i didn’t know if i should have enjoy it or just just ho with the act… And as far as letting him hear about till he dies is wrong if he shows more attention to his wife than the other girl it will work out but as 4 me he had me sit back and observed Instead of the other woman sitting back and observing. Which is totally wrong
Sorry about that. I hear that happens a lot. It’s one of the reasons these things often don’t workout.
Hi, this is Petra with a contrary point-of-view. Hubby and I have had threesomes where the third has been both another man and another woman. It was my fantasy, so he let me go first with another guy. Hubby is self-confident and generous, and had no problems with me enjoying myself. Later, after I got over my insecurities, we brought a girl I fancied into our bed as well. We both enjoy it both ways, and the jealousy I feel is now a pleasure – like a good workout.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sure that many other women feel the same way and appreciate getting their viewpoint out there.
But just to be clear: I never said that no women would like it. I said that data show that about 10% of women are interested, but that most are not. Out of the people I know who have tried it, it has worked for some not for others — as I said in the post (And usually it hasn’t worked well).
My only point is that given the skewed ratio of men being much more interested than women, guys shouldn’t feel like they’re missing out on something if they can’t find a woman who is interested and enjoys it. And women shouldn’t feel pressured into doing it. And, the reality is that, given the skewed gender ratio of interest, most men who want to do this will have to do what you see in porn: hire a couple women to pretend like they are enjoying it.
Sorry to butt in, but I just have to say that I love the idea of turning jealousy into a pleasure/workout sort of thing. Burn up that energy in a positive way, excellent!
I have to disagree in a lot of ways.. Many loving happy couples enjoy threesomes and sex parties and lots of kinky exciting things in the bedroom. I think the key to any of that is being secure in who you are and in your relationship. As long as the couple are open and honest about everything in their relationship and always on the same page i dont see a problem with it. My boyfriend and i have always had a rule and understanding what is said and done in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. This eay you can say or do whatever dirty thing you may want with no judgement or even discussion needed afterwards
Well, you write as though I said that no one can enjoy a threesome and have it work. But I gave an example of a friend of mine and his wife where it worked. Surveys show that men are much more likely to want this than women. And that’s why I say that if a guy wants to do this he will PROBABLY have to do what they do in porn: Hire someone to pretend like they are enjoying it.
With all due respect to all the opinions, but from my basic point of view, if I may share my opinion, I think that threesome is not a very good thing. For me, as I know the basic idea of relationship is the love shared by two people. However, if that love is interfered by an outsider, it may cause so much problems as you have mentioned like jealousy. Well Indeed, it also gets interfered by the intimacy of the couple. I personally wouldn’t imagine myself sharing my lover with someone else, not even a kiss or a hug from any other person. As well as I will keep myself faithful to my beloved. As little as I know about threesome, as much as I am against that idea, because it makes me feel insecure about my lover. Well, it might start by just having fun, and end up replacing me with the other person. But On the other hand some will argue, why feel insecure if you are sure of the love between you and your beloved? why be mad if we had threesome and you have got your part from him as much as you needed? Well, but I think love and sex are the sea, no matter how much you drink from it, you will always be thirsty. I will feel insecure because the idea of my beloved needing someone else to share this intimate relationship with means that I am not enough for him, and that really hurt.
However, in Islam there is something similar, in which a man can have 4 wives, but he is the only one allowed to have the intimate relationship with them individually and that comes after marriage and it has to happen for a reason. Indeed many women disagree to that, and some men will be unable to support each family as he is required to treat all wives fairly. Well, I think different cultures allowed different rules and have different views of what is right and what is wrong.
In conclusion, I think love and respect between both sides in a relationship is what really matters.
Always interesting to hear perspectives from different cultures.
And yeah, I’ve seen opinion polls in some Muslim countries that have been thinking about going back to allowing men to have four wives, and the vast majority of women don’t support that idea. Probably for a lot of the same reasons that most western women don’t like the idea of threesomes.
It takes certain kinds of people. My fiance and I have been thinking about it for a while now, fantasizing about it together, talking dirty about it, have spoken about all the possible outcomes. I fantasize quite a lot about my fiance having sex with another woman in front of me, and me and her doing things to him together, and all sorts of things I won’t write but are pretty detailed. Sure, we fantasize about this. This does not mean we love each other any less. We make love to each other. We would not be making love to another woman. We would just be f—-ing her. Different emotions. We both feel like if it happens one day, it happens. If not, then oh well. It’s nice to fantasize about, but we feel no need to force it to be reality. If it were to happen, though, I do not see it ruining our relationship at all.
Thanks for sharing your perspective and your experience.
Hi,
I have actually posted a reply to another commenter in this same blog as my fiancé had posed the request in front of me and I freaked out. Didn’t you guys face any discomfort while imagining or considering the prospect of it (since you said, if it were to happen, it won’t ruin your relationship)? I believe, not both the partners will ever speak in tandem all the time. There comes a time when one might not agree at all. One of you might have started talking on it. I ask this because maybe if one person pops it up, it gets awkward for the other party who may completely be clueless about what is coming up next! Maybe it’s just me because I am very conservative and really judgemental which makes it very difficult for me to be easy on myself and him, not just on this issue but many. I am working on myself to make things better and honestly,with maybe suggestions from a couple who goes through the same kind of a situation can be a great help to think and take things from a different perspective. It’s not that I wish to change myself but, how not to get offended,not take things to heart. I appreciate how couples like you and your fiancé can talk things out and not stay in discomfort . Any piece of advice would be more than welcome 🙂
Threesomes in my opinion, can be unhealthy in a relationship because they can often lead to infidelity or jealousy. If I was in a position where my significant other wanted a threesome I wouldn’t agree with it, I just wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of another woman who i have no feelings for what so ever is having sex with the person i share my most intimate thoughts with and care for. I feel like threesomes are just for sexual pleasure and aren’t as passionate, in my opinion of course. I think threesomes are totally fine if you’re single and looking to fulfill your fantasies, but as for people who are in a relationship I think it can get a little more complicated.
Makes sense to me.
All this talk about threesomes and other stuff really surprises me! The current demands some young lovers make seems so superficial and forced. Is this something recent?Fantasies may have been there, but this expectation to conform, is it new?
It seems all the sex in our world has now fallen into these few categories that porn websites sell and everyone learns their sexual identity from porn. Young people are now learning what is supposed to feel good and what is not from a bunch of freakish movie makers. They are constantly trying to reproduce something, mimic a sensation they see, but when it’s few people payed to act like they’re enjoying it, it can’t truly feel good. As a result, so many youngsters both men and women feel frustrated and lonely, sexually and otherwise.
Long time back I read some ancient literature with some erotic elements, and I find that their sense of sexuality is so spontaneous and refreshing. The scenes of courtship, consent and desire are described so creatively, that I feel that we have lost our sexual beings somewhere in this ugly picture painted by a few individuals who stand to profit from our blindness.
You make some good points. And in answer your question, fantasies have changed with porn. Guys are much more likely to fantasize about threesomes than they used to be.
Ah, I see. That explains it to me…
also girls as a Male if you don’t want a threesome tell your boyfriend that. Tell them under no circumstances will that be okay because guess what, if you asked him for one with another male I promise he will say the same thing (in most cases). You have to be willing to put your relationship on the line if you ACTUALLY REALLY DONT WANT TO. Thats exactly what I did, what most men would do and what you should do. I know its hard but if you don’t want to do something no matter how long you’ve been with your partner you have to get what you want too and if thats a strictly monogamous relationship then that is what you should get even if it is what ends your relationship.
Yeah, I know. The quote from the man who suggested all guys are like that was just funny. They have actually done surveys on this and about two thirds to three quarters of guys say they have fantasized about this.
But thanks so much for adding your perspective.
Um not all guys fantasize about threesome in a committed relationship. Atleast not in a way that they would actually consider it. Ive fantasized about making out or sleeping with other girls but that in no way nooooo way makes me want to leave my current girlfriend. I don’t think in the year that we’ve gone out that I’ve ever actually thought about a threesome even when she told me that she was bisexual except when an outside friend brought it up a couple of weeks ago. Theres no way I would ever think about a threesome and I know sounds closed minded but thats just the way I feel and I think more guys feel that way than girls think. I told my girlfriend that I would never be ok in a threesome and she said that it is total fine and that the thought had never crossed her mind either. after this incident I asked a bunch of my straight males what they thought about the subject and a lot of them shared the same thought as me, that in a committed relationship were they loved the girl they wouldn’t ever want to share her with anything or anyone. My brother was actually asked about this to his girlfriend out of pure curiosity (both are heterosexual) and he told me he got angry she even brought it up, I would have the same reaction as him actually even if my girlfriend wasn’t bisexual. So um yeah my point is if he is asking about a threesome he might not actually be taking your relationship seriously, meaning he might not see an actual future with you. Thats my personal take on the subject and about 10 other men, I know not a real big sample size but you know thats all Ive got.
I have read a lot of the replies. I think the most important factors are honesty and consideration of your partner(s). Not all things work for all people, so I will just share what worked for me. My g/f had some sexual contact with women in the past and she liked it. When we reached the point to give a threesome a try, we hired an escort. We met the woman for drinks so that my g/f could get to know the escort on a more personal level. I know, it is probably all a façade by the escort, but it gave my g/f what she needed to make a connection. As the party moved to the hotel room, I made sure that the escort gave a minimum of 80 percent of her attention to my g/f. I didn’t want my g/f to get any of those insecure feelings you are talking about. I made the night about HER, and in the process, I got some fun and some great memories, also. She loved that night. I loved it. We plan to do it again, soon. I would highly suggest not using someone already in your life, such as a friend, co-worker, etc. Hire a professional, to avoid the chance of outside emotional attachments.
You make a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Georgia , what initially appeared to be frivolous as a topic turned out to be an interesting socio-psychological analysis covering diversity of views exchanged here. While it may be , for the misguided and deviant sections , that the jury is still out on advisability or otherwise of threesome in its varying configurations , the issue ultimately boils down to where the focus is between love and sex ; if it is love , there is no gainsaying the exclusivity attached to it , which straightway precludes the extraneous male or female element . If it is sex sans love , may it be clearly understood that threesome or polygamy as cited is a perversion having nothing to recommend it as a viable option . Polygamy existed not only in tribals but also among erstwhile matrilineal societies where women had multiple husbands and controlled households . From those eras , societies have obviously evolved in norms and lifestyles through trial and error , and settled into refined standards that are healthy and sustainable . That said , we are living in an age where the institution of marriage itself is facing stresses , with living-in and the concept of sex buddies becoming common even in conservative societies ; add to it advances in medicine like IVF , facilitating freezing of eggs / sperm , and thereby delaying or avoiding pregnancies , retaining sex largely , if not only , for recreation . Under the evolving situation , morality may undergo unexpectedly radical redefinition in next 50 years . I believe time is ripe for social scientists to start crystal-gazing….best wishes…raj .
Well, the issue isn’t trivial. If you see the pain that so many people express when their partners want to have sex with someone other than themselves — and have to witness it, no less! — the whole idea can create a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, I grew Mormon, which teaches that polygamy is not what we’re supposed to do now but says it could return in the future, And it is, oftentimes, “the way of Heaven.” (A male notion of Heaven maybe — since the church believes it would take the form of one man and many women. It sounded like hell to me.) I found that idea so painful that it made me question Mormonism and I eventually left the church. (I also didn’t like that women were considered second-class citizens — supposed to obey your husband and only men can have priesthood authority and lead homes and the church, for instance.)
Morality revolves around the issue of harm. If you’re harming someone, it is wrong. And plenty of people feel harmed by things like polygamy and threesomes.
That said, Some research suggests that about one-quarter of both men and women do better with non-monogamy. Some women need a lot of different partners, And so do some men. I know people who are into open relationships. I have no idea how they can tolerate it, but if it works for them, fine.
So whether this is immoral or not depends upon the person and the relationship, it seems to me.
I have a guy who wants me to do a 3some. At first I thought it was a good thing, but now I’m not so sure. The sex is amazing. Always amazing. But I know that I cannot take seeing him having sex with someone else – in my presence. I told him that I would consider, but only if he cums inside of me. He quickly agreed. But that really isn’t enough. I would have too many rules to even make it fun for him. And besides, I’m not turned on AT ALL by naked women and I think her presence would turn me off and make me totally uncomfortable. I want to please him because he really knows how to make every inch of my body feel awesome, but I’m already feeling jealous and even disappointed and hurt by him proposing it. I told him flat out recently that I couldn’t and he said okay, but I know he’s just doing it without me. I still can’t. I’m not one dimensional and being close to him is what makes me feel wonderful. He claims he feels the same way, but I just can’t believe that. Trying hard these days to just get over him. I want to see him and let him have me, but I really need to keep moving on, so I respond sparingly to text messages and drink myself to sleep to keep from calling. I’ve started masturbating regularly just to keep from craving him so. Therapy? I will probably need some if this isn’t changing by the beginning of the year.
So sorry you are having to go through this.
Bell Hooks has an essay on true love that I always discuss with my classes. It asks to consider the difference between two things, Relationships marked by: Love + wound vs Love + pleasure
What is best for your well-being, overall?
Would you be happier with him or without him?
I wish you the best figuring out what to do with this.
I really love this post! As I read the tittle, the first picture in my head was FMF, then I stopped for a moment thinking why 2 females. It´s weird, because if it is MFM, it has to be specified. I guess it´s just the portrait that porn industry has set, of course, for men since they are the ones that fantasize in a threesome with two females, the product (films) are directed to them.
For me, I wouldn´t really like being in a threesome, I think I could get too jealous to share my man with another girl, and I would never like to see him in this situation with another guy even if I´m in it too, that would be totally weird. However, I have a friend that is totally into it (she´s the third). She lives in CA, the couple lives in Canada, sometimes they go on vacation together, my friend goes to Canada several times a year, they constantly do Skype, texts, calls, etc., and they are completely happy with it, my friend is totally fine with being the third, knowing that she´s not the #1 of her partner´s life. This surprises me all the time because I wouldn´t be able to handle it.
I understand threesomes can be fun and exciting to do for many people, but I don´t think I would be part of one.
Sure, threesomes sounds fun from time to time but I highly doubt it’ll survive a relationship. Relationships that include two people take a lot of work, and adding another person in is going to complicate things. The blog mentioned how the women in a relationship with one man compare themselves to each other, often trying to be better than the other. Assuming this relationship is between two women and a man, it is evident that the whole concept devalues the women in the relationship. They might think, “Oh, I’m not as good as the other woman.” and this can possibly introduce emotional and mental issues for both parties. They shouldn’t have to feel that way. As women, we have the power to act and be equal with our partners and it is not realistic in a threesome relationship.
I am also doubtful my agreeing to do a threesome would strengthen my relationship. I think he asked me too soon, anyway. The more I thought about him asking, the more stupid I felt.
haters be hating. threesomes are great. ten years of a happy relationship that has only gotten better every single day. oh, and the days when we’re not single 😉
I’m assuming that winky-face indicates that your comment is directed at “hating” comments and not my post.
I admit I hate the idea of threesomes for me. But as they say, “some of my best friends are” into ’em. 🙂
Obviously threesomes will not occur in a relationship without the consent of both parties, but there are many reasons one would agree to participate in a threesome. The idea of a threesome is exciting and fulfills many fantasies. I believe if your partner is willing and agrees, they understand the risk involved with the act; things can only turn bad when difficult feelings develop after the interaction, that was not discussed beforehand. Make sure you’re in love if you wish to try at home’ proceed with caution.
I am in love, but I can’t see how if he was in love with me he would want a 3some. It’s strange to me, because they have always seemed to about nothing but sex. He means so much more to me than that. The more I think about him wanting me to participate, the more I think I need to deal with the hurt and end it – cold turkey.
Let me start by saying that this is absolutely disgusting. Just my personal opinion. If we/you are in or want to have a serious relationship, a three-some is most definitely NOT the way to go. Women are self conscious, worry-bug, jealous type of people. This will most certainly cause a huge problem. If we were to ever “give in”, it is like the article said, only for our mans pleasure. I have personally been asked by 2 of my friends to join in a threesome with them. I was shocked for this to come out of either of their mouths! One friend was a best friend, the other was a guy friend of mine in which I haven’t seen in over 5 years. To top THAT, it was HIS girlfriends idea to have a threesome!! While I was extremely disgusted, I politely declined. I believe if you’re in a relationship, then that’s what it needs to be, “A” relationship. I know now-a-days our world is odd, but being in a relationship means to be committed to ONE person. I’m not saying that threesomes will become a 3 person relationship but, what is the point? I think the only reason a man would want a threesome is because they have NEVER done it or because they are bored and need an excuse to have sex with another woman and not be called a cheater for it. Some people might be into it but hey that’s their thing. Good luck trying to hold on to your relationship after that though buddy. It either going to be the guy that leaves because he liked the idea of sex with someone else or vice-versa. Maybe one or the other leaving each other BECAUSE their partner wants to continue with the threesomes. I think it just creates an absolute disaster because feelings are involved. If i were to be asked by my boyfriend for a threesome, out of all honesty, I would be hurt, insulted and disgusted all at once. There are so many feeling involved. I’m unsure how women who don’t want to have anything to do with that allow themselves to give in, but just by being asked, the down hill begins. It sticks FOREVER in our brains. ESPECIALLY if asked MULTIPLE times..
I don’t think it’s disgusting. But obviously it’s not for everyone to experience a threesome. I do think being in a relationship makes it challenging but I know people who have made it work.
The great thing is that some things like this topic, we get to choose whether we want to experience them or not. If the situation is right, it’s safe and you want to experience a threesome, I don’t see anything wrong with it and don’t find it disgusting.
To me, it’s best experienced outside of a traditional boyfriend relationship but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.
In my opinion, I don’t think a relationship can survive after having a threesome. Unless, the couples are in an open relationship or both wanted it then it might could just last. I understand that many couples today want to spice up their game in the bedroom and try out something new. But would a threesome be the best choice to risk ending your relationship? Threesome is a fantasy that most males would dream about or consider at least once in their life. Yeah, it could look fun and very tempting while watching it but they need to understand that porn is just for entertainment, people were paid to act like they enjoyed it. Most women wouldn’t even want to consider about it because like research said, women are more into the romance feelings, the connections they have with the person who they are having sex with. Plus in most of the threesomes, they always portray an image of 2 girls and 1 guy. It like they are encouraging that it’s OK for male have multiple mistress while it is the woman job to please their man.
If women learn to fetishize gay male sex and see bisexual men as sexy, would men be willing to experiment with men just because women would want to, just like men ask women now to put on a show for them
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/11051140/Why-women-watch-gay-porn-more-than-ever-before.html
Who knows? Homophobia is stronger with regard to men. That might have to change too.
But should it change only because some people want to see it?
Is it normal and healthy that some women give in and have a threesome with another woman just because their boyfriend/husband asked them to?
I don’t understand your first question. On the second one, I don’t think so. Have you seen these posts?
Should Women Give Men The Porn-Star Experience?
Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not.
A straight woman once told me that a woman experimenting with a woman doesn’t make her less of a woman. But if a man experiments with a man that compromises his manhood.
Many people, men and women, share this opinion. I guess it has been shaped by the media.
It’s probably been shaped by media. But it’s also been shaped by homophobia, generally. And it’s been shaped by valuing men above women. When women take on a male role, such as we assume lesbians to do (sexually, for instance, here) women aren’t seen as demeaning themselves. But when men take on a female role, like having sex the way women do, that is seen as men demeaning themselves.
This is a good blog because it’s actually brought up a lot with many couples today. They want to try something new because they saw it on media or their friends would talk about it. Many couples want to experience new exotic things, but there could be a high chance of having issues in the future between the partners. I think many of the relationship ends after having threesomes done is because either the boyfriend or girlfriend goes behind the other partners back and sleeps with the 3rd person. Once the partners finds out everything falls apart after that. For my friends that had threesomes before in many cases, one of the partners would accuses the other partner to cheating on them with the girl they slept with. Which is mostly true because probably the other girl could’ve called up the boyfriend and asked to hang out got him drunk and they end up sleeping together. Everyone has a different story of how the threesomes ended the relationship but from my view of hearing stories in most cases it’s the other girl that ruins everything and ex-boyfriend goes with her.
The couples that do workout after the threesomes are actually lucky because they’ll know for sure that they’re in love with each other and just wanted to see how it feels like to have a threesome or they just like the fact their relationship is like a swingers life style.
I may be unique but my relationship with my current boyfriend actually spun out of a threesome. Mine was of the mfm variety with two guy friends. I never imagined dating one of the guys but here I am a year after it happened and that is the case.
For me, I’m not sure if it would have worked the other way and we had a threesome after we were dating. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t think I could handle him being with another female. Too many thoughts and concerns would be going through my mind. And I project that on to what he might feel if we tried to do a mfm relationship again.
If it was the other way round, if the media and the porn had made MFM threesomes popular and women had learn to like having a threesome with two men how would that work?
If women were pressuring men to experiment with and asking guys to make out with each because “bisexual guys are hot and sexy whereas straight guys are boring” would guys behave bisexually to get attention and attract women?
If women were constantly pressuring their boyfriends for a threesome with another guy would they give in and try it to please their girlfriends?
Women’s sexuality would likely need to be less repressed + watch more porn, too. But Maybe.
Is The Male Lesbian Fantasy Messing With Women’s Sexuality?
“Now the status quo seems to be telling women that they’re weird if they don’t want to hook up with another woman. The freedom to express same sex sexual desires openly has been perverted and you must be an uptight prude if you don’t want to fondle another girl solely for a man’s pleasure!”
http://www.thefrisky.com/2009-01-20/frisky-rant-is-the-male-lesbian-fantasy-messing-with-womens-sexuality/
“On the other hand, I am willing to bet that it would seem preposterous to the vast majority of men who are willing to ask the girlfriends and wives to go gay for them, if the shoe was on the other foot and their girlfriends asked for some guy-on-guy action”
I agree with both of these points.
If a man wants a harem of women then he’s cool. Women are supposed to get along with each other, at least that’s how it seems in porn, so each man can have and should have his harem of women.
Are there any women who want a harem of men? Our society haven’t heard of that.
And that couldn’t possibly work, men unlike women aren’t supposed to touch each other.
But the whole notion that women naturally don’t want to go with many men doesn’t apply to all women. In tribal societies women having sex with many men makes sense in way and it’s benefitial for the entire tribe. In animals, there are species where the females mate with many males so that the males won’t know if their babies are theirs or not, so they won’t kill them risking killing their own babies.
In the same way, women having sex with many men in tribal societies means that the men don’t know if the baby is their own or not, so these tribes raise all the babies as their own.
Yep, good points.
jessi,,its impossible to stop him…cause he already decide it,,that he want to enjoy with two…..so its not possible that if you refuse he will not do that…..he will do it without your notice and than it will hurts you more….better to make the rules and let him to do it…sure he shall do and after finally he shall fedup from her also and will never ask you again for the same …….if you let him to do on front of you..it will help you to understand that you are the best or she and if she is than you can recover your weakness and you can learn more better than whatever he needs from you….also it will help you to be with him and spend your most of the time with him to know that what he really likes in your personality or what he is desiring…….i hope it will help you….
threesome is great new generation idea…some time it works and some time it brings so many difficults in married life but if both partners are agree and decided to enjoy it..rather ..bbf or bff…..than i dont think so the problem should be created in the life cause they talked about it and decide it finally…so i dont think so that there is any reason to have regrets or any other problems after having three some…..i have talked to my wife and we are so excited and still talking about it that really we ll love to enjoy it or just it will creat any tention for anyone ….but we both are excited and love to do it and if we enjoy it sure we shall share it……but its true always do it with someone stranger rather than any friend….it will help you that how you both feels after having it…..if you both loved it and enjoyed it than sure in future both partners can decide and can enjoy otherwise just stop it and enjoy the normal life. as usual.
My husband travel a lot. His idea is he want us to have a BFF for me so she can be around me when he is not home and help me with the kids, also maybe help us to watch the kids so i can travel with him and..for him and i can share her.
He said we fight a lot lately and make he feel like we need someone between us to help us understand each other and someone that he trust so i can travel with him when she is home watching our kids.
I love my husband and i hate seeing him doing or kissing another woman. I know that he wanted so bad but i don’t know if thats a good idea for us.
I don’t mind of having 3 domes , either with BFF or some stranger , but my thing here is , will it just be a having fun thing or he will be all about it after we have it and he enjoy it.
He said he loving being touch and we will never cheat on me , i will lay the rule and he follow.
These are the thing i am worry:
Will he be doing her behind my back?
Will he be compare me with her if she is better then me?
Will he be more confident and maybe meet someone else and have a one night stand when he travel ?
What if he felt in love with her?
But if i said no, i know he will be disappoint and who know he will be hook up with a two girls and having sex without me noticed.
What do i do?
Please help!
Your husband wants to open the marriage to another woman. I’m wondering if you are interested in opening the marriage to another man?
I don’t have a fantasy of a “one night stand”/”just for fun” kind of threesome. I have a fantasy of triangular polyamory, in which my wife and I bring another woman into our relationship, and there needs to be a strong emotional bond between my wife and her before we think about any kind of sex involving her. My wife and I have talked about this idea, I don’t know if we’ll ever act on it, but we’ll keep talking. My belief, maybe I’m wrong, is if we actually did go down this path, maybe we would avoid some of the pitfalls of the “one night stand”/”just for fun” threesome approach. If my wife feels jealous of my relationship with the other woman, the idea is that having her own sexual/emotional relationship with the other woman may help her overcome that jealousy.
Some women are fine with the scenario you describe, but they tend to be bisexual women who are as interested in women as in men. Bluebird, for instance, wrote a comment that I turned into a post — and maybe you have already read it. Or, I was just reading about another woman who doesn’t describe herself as bisexual but who has a breast fetish, nonetheless. Her preference is for little trysts now and again — with a woman joining herself and her male partner.
I really think the only way the scenario you describe could work is if everyone is equally interested. It’s not clear to me that that is the case here.
I’m not bisexual and from my perspective, a threesome relationship sounds even more emotionally wrenching than a few trysts here and there.
You’ve given me so little information that I can only guess that there is a possibility that your partner is subjecting herself to an increased level of pain because of your desire for increased pleasure. If that’s the case, it sounds hugely unbalanced.
I’m wondering how you would feel if the tables were turned and she was trying to get you to accept a MFM relationship in which you added a male lover, who you could form an emotional bond with?
How would I feel if the “tables were turned”? Well, I know I do have at least some capacity for bisexuality, although for various reasons that is a side of myself I’ve never really explored, and maybe I never will. I don’t feel any great urge to explore those possibilities, but I’m not utterly opposed to the idea either. Having pondered the question, I think that were I to do so, I’d probably end up much more bisexual than I am now, although of course one never really knows unless one tries. But, I’ve said to my wife, that if she genuinely wanted me to explore this potential, at the very least I’d owe it to her to seriously consider it. Her response? It wasn’t a road she had any interest in me going down.
Is your wife somewhat bisexual and interested in exploring her bisexuality?
It doesn’t matter. As I have already said, women now days are encouraged and expected to be bisexual. It’s almost like heterosexual women look boring and uninteresting. Women have to be bisexual if they want to be sexy and desirable. Whereas heterosexual men have to be rigidly heterosexual.
It’s like heterosexual men expect having a harem of bisexual women.
Sooner or later heterosexuality will be an outdated trait for women and would be a male-only trait.
Why?
Because men learned the “lesbian fetish” and women are learning the “lesbian fetish” too. That’s what today’s media is selling. And people, men and women, are buying it.
That’s why men and women are more into FFM threesomes than FMM threesomes.
Or how about an FFF threesome? that’s even better!
But that will make women look even more as sex objects. Even women will look women as sex objects.
I wonder what feminists think about women being sex objects even for women?
It’s never okay for women to be a sex object. Meaning, it’s never okay for women to be seen as only being and object that exist for someone else’s pleasure.
Whether it’s straight, gay, or bi, sexuality is okay if that’s one part of who the person is. And in fact, in bed with someone of any sex, it’s okay if the focus is only on sexuality — so that both of you become a sex object of sorts — in that one context. Except that you should be concerned about the other persons pleasure, too. But in your entire life you are more than that.
I’ve been meaning to write about this more because feeling like a sex object in a narrow context can be exactly what someone needs to get turned on. But again, add: concern for the others pleasure, and a general context of connection in bed, + more than the sex subject in your larger relationship.
As I said, I will try to write more about this. But questions like yours are helpful because they help me to think through the issue.
But with the increasing popularity of threesomes and lesbian porn, women are degrading to mere sexual objects. The easy access to internet and porn will only make things worse. I don’t see a way that will make it go away. In a few months the movie 50 shades of grey will be released. A movie about degrading sex that will become major hit.
That degradation has been around for years, and just keeps coming, unfortunately.
Some feminist protest has made a difference here there — like the change in ads for Go Daddy, or protest about the clothing “Ice Girls” wear in hockey — but not in the larger scheme of things. We are still bombarded by images that objectify women.
Perhaps the best hope is to educate the viewer to see more of the person. After all, A sleeveless woman in Israel will be viewed by orthodox Jews as a sex object. But a nearly-nude woman among the aborigines won’t be seen as a sex object. So the mind of the viewer may be key. Sure, notice that a woman is attractive and sexy, but see that there is much more to her than that.
Yes threesome do work u have to be open and honest, with your mate before doing it. If you both do it for fun , and u have to trust your mate. You got to have a strong relationship if you to trust each other, and have communication just be open and honest of likes and dislikes it will work.
And if you are both into it, of course.
My boyfriend made me have a three-some with his best friend. am really tormented by it though i have already dumped him. How can i get over it?
He had talked about it before n i had said no unless he left me look for a guy myself….he kept insisting that he wanted to watch me have sex with a guy he knew otherwise if he found me with another without informing him, it would be over between us. So he went behind my back n planned it with his friend n they unbelievably tricked me into it. I didn’t love the experience n i hate myself for that…it has really affected my love life. i totally feel bad and i feel unworthy. I have been really asking God to help me get over this….i cant focus with work n school anymore. what should i do? please help
I’ve gotten this sort of question a few times and I think I will write a post about it, Based on something I recently wrote to someone else, Which I will largely repost here:
Bell Hooks has an essay on true love that I always discuss with my classes. It asks a number of questions, 2 of which are:
1) can you choose love? Or must Love control you so that you can’t choose?
2) consider the difference between these two things, Relationships marked by:
. Love + wound
. Love + pleasure
When we fall in love it can feel like we have no choice in the matter. But really we do. And we can choose between being in relationships that are mismatched and end up wounding versus relationships in which two well-matched people come together.
And you might need to ask yourself whether your partner loves you. Do you have a partner who is okay with causing you pain? Who holds a double standard where he expects you to do things that he won’t do, himself? Or where he allows himself more freedom than he allows you?
If you conclude that your partner doesn’t love you, I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people just aren’t in a place where they are capable of love.
Pain — whether physical or emotional — is generally telling you that something is wrong and that something needs to change.
Perhaps you haven’t met someone who is a good match and healthy for you yet, and maybe it’s hard to imagine that happening. But if you are with someone who is causing you pain, it makes a lot of sense to see what else is out there, meet other people, explore.
It is possible to combine eroticism with emotionally healthy relationships. Everyone deserves that.
And while you’re out exploring your options, it helps to love yourself. Confidence is the biggest magnet.
I’ll need to write more about how to gain confidence. But here are some thoughts:
Try to get in touch with the core-you, which is wonderful and worthy. Sometimes that core self gets covered up by hurt people who hurt people. A lot of people who don’t feel good about themselves put down others, to make themselves feel bigger by comparison.
Or maybe you feel bad about yourself because you don’t think you are attractive enough or wealthy enough or smart enough. A lot of products are sold by making people feel bad about themselves, “Oh, and we have a product that will help you.” And setting up impossible standards, like skinny with big boobs — or never being able to “keep up with the Jones” — keeps you on the buy-stuff treadmill forever.
Know that you deserve someone who respects and loves you.
And if you don’t know that, fake it till you make it. Behaviorist psychology has found that if we behave a particular way, after a while our attitude starts to match our behavior.
And see this post:
Believe You’re Beautiful – Others Will, Too
https://broadblogs.com/2012/06/04/believe-youre-beautiful-others-will-too/
Finally, I don’t really know you or your partner, but that’s my $.02
After many many conversations my boyfriend (47) and I (48) decided to take the leap and have a FMF threesome. I am completely heterosexual, but was not opposed to trying something new. We have been to gentlemen’s clubs together and when the women pay attention to me he is just bursting at the seams, and to turn him on I have had many a lap dance with him watching..we go home and have amazing sex. We also have amazing sex without that tease. I think that’s really a major point, our relationship and sex are both awesome without the added treats. Together almost three years.
So we found a female escort (no one we would ever encounter again). I got to pick who and that helps with not feeling insecure. I did all the contact with her and set the ground rules, no kissing between them was my biggest rule and protection, of course.
It was amazing, I didn’t realize how my watching him with her would turn me on and it really did. Of course, my being with her turned him on (no surprise) and well suffice to say the evening was amazing. I was not turned on by being with her, I do not feel the need to be with another woman, but what it did to him to watch us was amazing and no harm no foul for me.
The next day I made sure we made love to each other, to differentiate between the sex we had the night before and the making love only we share.
We still refer to the episode during our love making to remind each other what we each enjoyed…the only thing we would do different next time is maybe some home video to replay and watch together.
We have talked about doing it again, not necessarily with the same woman, and not often. Just as a special treat.
Hope this helps other readers realize this can work and is not taboo if you have a very strong relationship and agree to the rules.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Glad it worked for you both.
I am sure my wife and I are the great exception but my wife initiated the threesome with her best friend when she discovered that she was bisexual but did not want to try it with strangers. Her g/f had been with women sexually while in college. The typical story but true. The best part is that I knew her best girlfriend even longer than she did because her brother was my friend since grammar school. I always had a crush on her so we all had feelings for each other that turned into love.
Our threesome lasted 38 years, even through her marriage. She wanted to keep her marriage and our relationship separately and would tell us little other than she told her husband about our relationship before they married and he was OK with it. We suspect that he too was bisexual. How many husbands would let their wife spend weeks at a time with a couple with whom he knew, were sexually active with her. I know that this sounds like fiction but he even brought her to Las Vegas so that she could vacation with us as he gambled all day and night and did his thing, whatever it was,
So,, for us it worked out very well. My wife never once showed any jealously and was the one who recommended that her g/f and I spend alone time together when my wife was not in the mood for sex. My wife would cook us a nice dinner while I made love to our shared girlfriend. Call it great luck but we never once had any problem whatsoever during the 38 years. We eventually had to move and her Son (in his 30’s and still living at home) and husband could not find work in our new city. Her husband held a professional license for the State that they lived in.
My wife and I both miss her very much and she visits when she can. It felt very weird to be a married couple again. We both got used to having a second wife. My wife had a woman to be around her and I had a woman who was into the kind of sex I liked. Win-win for all.
Despite our success, I never recommend this to others. For us it was like the perfect storm of personalities and circumstances, that would be hard to duplicate. All of our friends who invited others into their bed ended up divorced as one or the other fell in love with one of their outside partners or one wanted to continue doing it while the other did not because their partner was obviously more into the third person, than they were them. Our best friends had a steady girlfriend like we did. In their second year, the husband started seeing the women without his wife’s knowledge but his wife was having an affair with her boss. It just seems that when you have one of the spouses in a marriage who enjoys sex with multiple partners, their feelings about extra marital sex are that it is harmless as they do it with their spouse all the time. Only the not telling their spouse is all they are doing and that is just a lie to not her anyone.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
This is a powerful message. A relationship survival is a strong title. I am not adding any other words just to keep the value character. Congrats!!
Thank you.
I think relationships can survive a threesome, but if there is a chance that it will ruin something good, it might not be worth it, in my opinion.
The fantasy might seem perfect and exciting, but when it comes to reality, people might be surprised to be highly disappointed after they commit the act. From what I understand, being around some of my free spirited friends, both partners have to be into this stuff in order for their relationship to survive. There have to be rules and understanding of each others feelings and expectations. Otherwise, issues like jealousy, luck of self confidence, and mistrust can arise.
I have seen friends breaking up over an open relationship, and threesome is a similar territory. The risk of a break up is too high.
Maybe it’s better to experiment when you are with someone you are not planning to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe it’s good to keep fantasies as fantasies?
I’ve come too much of the same conclusion.
Everybody seems to talk about threesomes only involving two women. Like that’s the de facto situation of threesomes. Nobody seems to question about threesomes involving two men. Even women talk whether they should have or have not a threesome with another woman but never with two men.
Isn’t that a bit odd?
It’s probably because of socialization. Almost anytime you see threesomes in the media, whether porn or mainstream, It tends to be FMF. So men are more likely to internalize that and want that. And the rest of us are more likely to think about it that way.
At least one woman wrote in saying that she had had an MFM threesome and loved it.
I personally know someone who has been asked that question. I just don’t get what the big deal is about threesomes. What’s the point of having to dealing with 2 lady parts at the same time when most men cant even handle one! If I were asked that question I would feel self conscious about myself like I’m sure a lot of other women would be. Asking themselves if they’re good enough. Men should respect the woman they are with. Obviously women do it to please their men but I say if it doesn’t feel right to you or you don’t feel comfortable tell him to hit the road jack and never come back and to take that elsewhere. You cant have your cake and eat it too.
I feel like having a threesome is a fantasy the all guy’s want to do and rarely if at all is something a women want to do. Personally speaking I feel like I would never want to be involved in a threesome. Let’s just say if this happened while I was in a relationship with someone else I feel I would be really disturbed with seeing my partner touching someone else. Let alone watching him having sex with someone else. Also I feel like a threesome can never really work for girls because we, as girls, are competitive and judgemental. During the threesome I think we’re going compare how our body look compare to their. In your article mention how much attention we’re getting compare to the other girl. So in a threesome I don’t think a girl would enjoy it because there’s a lot of mental and physical things going on.
The positive answers were for 2/3 of men and 1/10 of women.
I didn’t see if the question was specific about FMF or MFM threesome, so I will assume that it was about having a threesome in general.
That would raise some interesting points. Since the media has established that the threesomes should be FMF then those people answered having that on mind.
No wonder why 2/3 of men would like to have a threesome, they thought of a second woman.
I bet if they were also asked about a MFM especially with their girlfriend, then the “yes” would be almost 0% – jealously is a major factor.
So the same I can guess about women.
Only 1/10 said yes, probably because they had FMF on mind – thanks to the media.
But it they were specifically asked about a MFM threesome perhaps then the “yes” would be more than 1/10 – again jealously is a major factor.
Who knows?
But since women typically need emotional connection to enjoy sex that number isn’t necessarily going to raise a whole lot since threesomes are about eroticism, not connection.
Men though would object having another man with their girlfriends
From my professional world we spend a lot of time to conduct studies and statistics – experience has taught me that one should be very positive critical of these studies when making conclusions one can easily be deceived by the numerics – statistics which I have worked a lot with have many pitfalls – numbers are also grateful … 🙂
This field of study that I only know from a personal level – that surprises me a lot that the men’s number isn’t higher … 🙂
Yes, I actually know about statistics, being a sociologist.
People bump their numbers up or down. Like these:
Are Men Really More Polygamous?
Why We Lie About Sex Partner #’s
In one study men said they’d had 12 partners and women said they had had six. So the reality is probably nine each. So guys bumped up by three and gals subtracted three.
So yeah, people were hiding their real numbers a bit. Or conveniently misremembering.
But aren’t threesomes pretty cool these days? Why would women want to seem prude? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and prude isn’t big here.
I have no idea why women would lie about a desire for threesomes — and in such an extreme way as they would need to do to give the answers they do (see below). There’s a big difference between subtracting three from your number of sex partners and answering a survey asking, “on a scale of 1 to 10 how interested are you in having a threesome?” As 1.
That’s pretty extreme.
I’ve asked the question in several different classes on several different surveys, And here’s what the answers tend to look like:
1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 1 1 4 1 1 1 1 0!!!!!!! 1 1 1 8 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 10 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 1 1 1 9 1 1 1 1
Maybe you think all of those ones are just women trying to make themselves look better. Though I’m not sure why they would feel they look better giving 1s instead of 5s or 10s.
Have you seen the comments that people have made on this post? A lot of the women are extremely upset about guys who want to have threesomes.
Besides, the vast majority of women need to feel a strong emotional connection in order to enjoy sex. Threesomes seem to be about sexual excitement. I don’t see how you get much emotional connection with them. I can see how having another person in bed could greatly distract from any sense of connection.
When you read what I wrote about what’s likely to be going on in women’s minds — and what has gone through my own mind when someone wanted to do this — I’m unclear as to why you can’t imagine that being a common feeling.
btw, your experience is probably affected by the people who like this sort of thing and who self-select to be involved. I definitely got a few nines and tens in my responses. They’re the types you’re probably having fun with.
I think that the dream of trying with 2 lovers at the same time is just as prevalent dream in women as in men – men talks just higher than women of their dreams – “hehe” 🙂
I see nothing bad in it at all if that’s what you want – like everything else you have to be aware that there may be repercussions or consequences – in continuation of what we do – my personal beliefs is that we must be careful not to be guided by what we think others would think was cool – sometimes we have a fear of being cheated of something that everyone else does – by which often we are chasing a mood rather than building up an atmosphere ourselves… 🙂
To get the offer to be the third wheel in the gig is flattering, it was fun to try for many years ago – but there is in my eyes a lot of other sex which are a lot more interesting – but it’s not the same as thinking it strange, not at all… 🙂
Different strokes for different folks.
For some reason people tend to think that however they see the world is how everyone else does. That’s why we have social research. So you might think that women like it as much as men, but my own research — this question has come up on a number of different surveys I’ve administered to my own classes — along with national surveys consistently show only about 10% of women having an interest in this sort of thing, Whereas about half to two thirds of guys do.
What a good post. This topic has always been some what like a loaded gun being tossed around. I like that part where it goes into how the women who is in the relationship will inevitably have concerns about the other women, and what it all means. My view has always been that Threesomes are for signal people. I believe with out the deep connection that you have in a relationship a threesome can work. But if you add emotion and connection into the mix I feel the cake will turn our tasting sour. With that in mind I have never been good at sharing my toy’s, one could call me greedy, I don’t want to share my husbands attention with anyone else whether it be a man or women. In turn, lust is lust by love is something deeper, I love my husband so I couldn’t share him or his emotions or affection’s with another person.
With that said the idea of two people pawing over you is always appealing, people want to feel more attractive not less, and having two people into you at the same time could give this effect. What I don’t particularly don’t like about the whole threesome bit, is that it is so one sided, that it has become and pushed upon society mostly women that it is normal for a man to want a threesome, whether or not that is a scientific fact is up in the air, but as for how I feel about this it raises a fury inside of me. When did we women decide that we are okay with our husband’s or boyfriends fantasying about being with us and another women, even asking it is something we no longer get upset with. What is happening to us women? I realize that there are women who truly okay with having a threesome with their significant other and another women and to them i say hats off. But I believe most are not okay with it, we ignore and act not offended when our partner asks for such a thing. Why? Why do we feel we can’t express how we feel? When the subject is brought up a lot of us women are faking that we are okay with it, or we are biting our tongues as to how we really feel. I believe it has to do with this standard that men has set up for women. If we aren’t adventurous in the bedroom then we are a bore, and our men will lose interest in us. Lets face it no one man or women wants to be describe as a bore in the bedroom area. Along with this I have the thought about how many men would be okay having a threesome with another guy and one women, I am most certain the number of men that would want that specific type of threesome would decline dramatically. So as many views of women and what is expected of them is grossly lop sided.
I don’t even think the thought of a threesome crosses my mind, but you’re right- among many men, it is the topic of discussion.
For many women, I think that we do not like the thought of it, because we see it as competition. There is another women in the room that we have to fight with for our significant other’s attention. It is never a good thing to allow that kind of rivalry in the bedroom, because now, it’s no longer fun.
Many times, on television, I see couples “scout” for the perfect candidate, but problems usually arise.
1) The person is freaked out by the thought of it.
2) The couple cannot agree on a person
I suppose it’s not my cup of tea, but if it works out for somebody else, good for them!
I think threesomes should just be left alone for single people who want to experience new things. When couples have threesomes, they end up breaking up because of the emotional stir that it causes afterwards. I think when guys in a relationship fantasize about threesomes, they’re just thinking of the sex, and like the post said, the more the better. I would not be willing to share my girlfriend with anyone else and i’m sure she wont be willing to share me either, it’ll just cause relationship problems because it’ll be brought up, causing arguments. That’s why only 10% of women would rather not have a threesome with their boyfriend
This is by far my favorite post so interesting to me and i even would like to know. If your married or in a relationship of course the first honeymoon phase is the best and it goes away or at least i think sometimes…. i think yes i do agree every man does think about having a threesome and girls do too!!!! Girls get turned on more by a women’s body right? but imagine bringing another girl to the bedroom with your boyfriend or husband omg seems like a dream come true for a man!! i don’t think a threesome can survive a relationship too much jealous especially for the women …. and imagine your bf making love to another women in front of you , i think women try to please men by doing this or vise versa and in the end it turns out all bad. relationships cannot survive a threesome we get to jealous it just doesn’t work and for that 1% that does there has to be some animosity between them. I think if people have threesomes it shouldn’t be with anyone there in a relationship with it just won’t work…..porn plays a big impact on people and they think having sex should be like that ….. i would like to know more from someone who has had one and still is in a relationship …
My relationship survived a threesome. I had not one but a few with my husband and wouldn’t mind having it again. I feel that it gives a little boost in the bedroom a little spark. I know it must not work for everyone but it did for me.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Most women like the idea of having another man once in a while. A close friend of mine and her husband have a Friend with benefits guy over 3 or 4 times a year. The husband is present while the friend takes care of her. She claims it does wonders for her sex life that used to be so dull. At times she leaves her husband at home while they go away for the weekend.
Well surveys say otherwise.
But people tend to think that everyone is like themselves and their friends (and we tend to choose friends who are like ourselves).
Ι read it and I read the link. Actually it’s more than 10%.
The link said that 8% of women have already tried a threesome and another 10% fantasize about it.
So it’s more like 18% of women that are interested in a three way.
I didn’t find anything about whether they prefer another man or a woman though.
Hmmmm, the media report I got this from said 10% — which is the same number I consistently get from my own students when I ask about interest, as opposed to whether they have done it. But congratulations on reading that entire article.
The number of the students that have done it is different that the number of those who are interested?
Is it higher or lower?
I’ve only surveyed students on their interest in doing a threesome. I surveyed a lot of different classes and the responses are always around 10% having any interest.
You said that only 10% of women would want to have a threesome.
I bet the percentage of men that want to have a threesome is much higher.
But how many of them would prefer having a threesome with their girlfriends and another man with instead of another woman?
I would bet almost none.
I don’t think that many men would like to see their girlfriends with another man
Yeah, read the post again.
My friends and I are very close, (almost a decade of friendship.) Two of them are in a relationship, and the female approached me about a threesome. I said no initially because I felt it would make things awkward, or it would ruin a relationship/friendship. The male felt the same way and didn’t want to do it. After weeks of hassling me, telling me that she believes the relationship is strong enough, she wants it, she wants to see her bf with another girl, I agreed. We did it, followed all stated rules. Right afterward the drama began. She felt as though he paid more attention to me, treated me better, etc. She made him stop being my friend. She doesn’t want to be my friend. I regret losing two of my best friends. I recommend if you want to do it, and you are female, don’t have it with a man that you care about.
I’m so sorry. But thanks for the warning from the voice of experience. Maybe your comment can help others.
That’s another reason why men don’t want to have a threesome with their girlfriends and another man, besides the obvious reason that heterosexual men aren’t interested in men at all.
That’s why I don’t get it why women prefer having threesomes with their boyfriends and another woman instead of another man.
I meant men know jealously is going to be an issue and that’s why they don’t want to bring another man, besides of course the fact they aren’t interested in men at all.
Don’t women consider jealously as an issue when they want to bring another woman?
Well, you write your comment as though all women want to bring another women into their beds. I don’t want to. If you read some of the comments above you’ll see that plenty of women don’t want to. And that’s the point of the blog post: an awful lot of women don’t want to. Only about 10% are interested in a three-way at all, and not all of them are going to want FMF.
Ι was referring to those who do want to have a threesome.
Prior to that they don’t think the issue of jealously but after that they may regret it
Gotcha. Actually, I was wondering the same thing.
at the very end of the note said that if we want to have a threesome that we should do what the porn industry does, pay a couple of ladies for it. I believe that this could be the only choice because in my case, when I am in a relationship, I usually care for my lady and even if she wants it, I would say no! one of the reasons, it is that in a relationship, there should be respect for one and another and if you are mixing a third person, things bet out of balance and that leads to chaos, The other reason is if she does want a threesome with another male, I would not agree and that will make a macho because I do believe in equality and I am not willing to share my lady with another person being this male or female. it other words, in order for this to work, there must be no emotions at all, just like porn stars do it!
Relationships can survive threesomes if the relationship is already healthy. This question almost makes threesomes sound pejorative, when in reality, it is sex, and sex is supposed to be empowering for all parties. True, there are those gray areas, with feelings, being hurt, etc, but I believe that if a relationship can overcome any other obstacles, then why does a threesome sound like a challenge? If it comes off like a challenge, then it’s possible that the couple may not be ready. I’ve had many friends who’ve been in relationships and have invited other people into their sexual activities, and it always sounds like a positive experience.
I guess they could survive if the relationship is both healthy and everyone is interested in doing it. But from reports I refer to, they usually don’t seem to– Hence the title. So the title isn’t meant to be pejorative so much as descriptive.
For me as a woman there have been times when I’ve felt pressured by men to do things I wasn’t interested in. They pushed the issue even though I told them how I felt. Women are by nature pleasers and it may be that they get pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with. Statistically only a small percentage of women are bisexual so the genuine opportunity should be rare for most couples. It’s very hard to find men who are willing to engage in a threesome with two men. I know because I’ve tried ;). For those who truly enjoy threesomes and have a great relationship it’s fine but the rest of us shouldn’t feel that we are uptight for not sharing those desires.
I think that many men wouldn’t object having a threesome with two men and one woman as long as the men don’t touch each other.
But on the other hand when it comes to threesomes with two women and one man, it is expected that the two women should engage with each other.
That’s a big difference.
I would like to mention a different side to threesomes that not many people see here. I have had previous threesomes but in my case it was male female and male. No bisexual stuff at all. We all enjoyed it .the way I see two females and one man..no man can really satisfy two women. My marraige did eventually fail ,but it had nothing to do with the threesomes. I honestly feel thats what people tend to miss. My current partner of many years has considered us having a threesome after my years if persuasion. I feel very comfortable with it and I have no intentions in loosing her . Its an experience I would love to share with her.
I just hope that she is interested in sharing it with you, too, then.
I do not think that relationships can survive a threesome; however, it depends on the personality. I think that for a relationship to be healthy, durable, and strong, both partners need to have true/real, and equal feelings for each other. Further, I believe that it is impossible to sincerely love more than one person; consequently, in my opinion, relationships cannot survive a threesome. Nevertheless, it depends on the personality of each partner. For example, jealous partners will always be fighting or arguing: “why you did this with him/her in front of me” or “I don’t like the way you look at him” etc. These constant troubles will more likely result in a separation.
My boyfriend and I both feel that threesomes are overrated. We’re not super-hyped or even interested in having one. It would definitely be a spontaneous thing if it happened. It would also depend on who it was with. For instance, if he expressed an interest in my best friend, I would be completely hurt and disgusted, because that is way beyond my comfort zone. I’d rather him keep that fantasy in his head. I think he’d feel the same. If it was another friend, I would worry that our friendship would be awkward afterwards, especially if porn-like expectations weren’t met. Also, sex with your partner can be personal, they can know a side of you that perhaps isn’t easily shared with everyone, and you trust them with that side of you, why would you want to share that bond with another person? I’m glad him and I share the same views on the topic, and that we are open enough with each other to even discuss it.
Danielle – I’ll second your point that threesomes are not all they are cracked up to be. I think threesomes seem a lot better as a fantasy than they are in reality. I’m a guy and had one threesome – luckily it was a one night stand type of situation, so no relationship in the picture. Sex is always just sort of sex in the end – and having a threesome didn’t really change that. I guess as a guy I am sort of glad it happened so I can check that box (don’t know why I want to check that box, but whatever) – but when I tell the guys the story during “guy talk”, I always tell them it wasn’t as amazing as they might think.
I have two separate opinions on this, and it all depends on how secure the woman (or man) is in the relationship. My current boyfriend of 5 years has always mentioned that he would love to have a threesome and how it is his biggest fantasy to be with two women at the same time. I would be all for it, if we found the right person, and if there would be no contact after the act whatsoever on either of our parts. I think that if the rules are completely laid out before hand and if both people agree to them, then it could just be a way to spice up the sex life. But on the other hand, I agree with this post that the women are more worried about comparing themselves to the other woman, that if would not be enjoyable for her. I think that would be the case for me, but I am not sure unless I am really put in the position. I am a naturally jealous person, and I don’t really want to see the man I am in love with having sex and being intimate with another woman, even if I am involved.
But I have known so many couples who have been in the same boat and actually gone for it, but then regretted it after. But then there are a few who bring another man or woman into their bedroom all the time, and there is never an issue with it. I just think it depends on the couple and if they are both on the same page as far as the other person goes, and if they are secure and not jealous in the relationship.
I think that porn makes threesomes seem a lot better than they are as well. So the man goes into it thinking it will be this perfect scene, but then could be let down after the fact.
From a female’s point of view, I do not think that threesome will be enjoyable for me even though I do not have any experience in it. Well, couples may think it is fun to involve in threesome for ones or twice when they feel dull with their sexual lives. It may bring some excitement for them by trying something new. However, I do not think it will work or last for long. To me, having sex is not just about physical pleasure, it’s also about mental and spiritual connection between the couples. While the third person, he/she is not connected with the couple at all, it will just act as a distraction and diminish the real sexual pleasure. It will be worse if the woman is just doing it for making the men happy, she may not want to share her man with another woman and that would be very awful for her. I am not saying that threesome is not right or judging it for any reason, but I just think that if a couple decide to do it, they must first make sure that both of them are totally okay with it and would not have any bad feelings afterwards.
For what it’s worth I’d like to make a comment on this subject.
A few years back before the fast internet connections and the easy access to porn, I was under the impression that MFM was more common than FMF, some argue that it still is, and the myth of ALL threesomes being FMF exists because of porn.
Anyway, back then, before the FMF porn becomes so popular, we wouldn’t never expect to ask two straight girls to have threesome and expect from them to act like the FMFs in porn, given of course they were truly straight.
But we, guy friends, had conversations about MFM threesomes! it was more half jokes.
Of course we wouldn’t think of touching each other in any way, it would be more like taking turns with the girl and the conversation we had was jokes about each guy’s character and how each of us would react.
I am not sure anymore.
Probably the popularity of FMF threesomes in porn has probably make it seem more appealing than MFM, even to women.
I don’t know which type is actually more likely. I just know that men are much more likely to have fantasies about FMF than other 3-way fantasies.
I was involved in a threesome with a married couple. I’m single and wanted to try it and see if I liked it. I didn’t really. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great either. I discovered I am NOT into women at all. It was really the wife’s idea and it seemed like the husband was just going along. He couldn’t even have an orgasm. She annoyed me by acting like a porn star. I wanted to tell her to shut up, lol. She was kind of a freak sexually and I found out she left him for another guy later. Most women I’ve met who are into alternative sex lives have emotional issues and can’t commit to one man. Men don’t seem to be able to imagine consequences of their actions and they think that their fantasies will work out better than they actuallly do. Also it’s really hard to have safe sex with 2 women. Condom changing is awkward and there is too much risk of sharing vaginal secretions.
Interesting points. Thanks.
Bringing in another woman is many times the wifes idea. I believe that most women have an urge to experiment with another female. Our first threesome involved me going down on both her and my wife. I got BJ’s from both women then they went after each other. Later my straight wife told me it was fantastic ! She now sees her friend on a regular basis, just the two of them ! Both my wife and her friend are very pretty women and have fantastic bodies, no one would suspect they are deep into a relationship. Her friend and I are close friends and we have had sex together several times but lately it seems that they prefer only each other.
Well, some women are interested in this kind of thing but men seem to be more interested in it, based on the stats I posted. It’s also possible that your wife isn’t straight, given your last sentence. Maybe you need to have a talk and figure out what is best for everyone. Some men would like the situation you’re in, but you have to think through what you want.
I have to say that me and my boyfirend have discussed this and neither of us want to or feel the need to have a three some . I think people who have them must be bored with each other and the current relationship . There are plenty of other things to get the spark the relationship up besides doing an act that can lead to upset and hurt . We both feel that sex
should be between two people and that’s it . If u do want to have a threesome it might be better to do it when you are single and have no emotional connections with someone. But no I won’t be sharing my man nor will he be sharing me because our sex life is awesome just between us two without any one involved . The idea of this act make me feel angry just thinking about it. I respect that others want to do this but for me we love each other too much and that’s enough for us.
I agree that most of the time when a threesome is brought up that it is from the guy. I think that most relationships wont last a threesome because feelings and emotions can get involved. To ask a significant other to have a threesome could put a lot of pressure on them. Like mentioned about how the woman feels plays a huge part. I could only imagine questioning my relationship and wondering if there was a lack of sexual desire. I think the only true way this could work is if it was a non-committed relationship. I would imagine that all parties would have to knowingly keep emotions and feelings out of it.
I agree that it can MAKE or BREAK a relationship. Personally I prefer not to share my man with anyone no matter how “excited” I am. I confess I would be way to worried about the other female or who can do things better. I do not have low self-esteem but that is just how I would think. But everyone is different and I am in no position to judge how people like it. It is very different from thinking about the threesome and actually going through it. To me if it is up to your standards and your partners standards than by all means go ahead and do what you got to do. But the human mind has so many thoughts and emotions who has time to cater to not one but two minds. The part that states pay women to act like they enjoy it, I do not know any women who emotionally stable to handle any of that kind of pressure. I agree that once it is done it will never be the same for better or worse. You could go on and continue it because you get down like that. But in some relationships it could stir up some insecurities whether it was with a man or a women. It must take some guts to admit to wanting to have a threesome or even having a dream about it. Once that it is done it will never leave the back of your mind. In my opinion without trying to offend others out there that have threesomes adding another person to the relationship would just make it more complicated. THREESOMES is a “big NO NO” if you serious about your relationship,just stick to one person.
I came to site after being hit up for a 3some by the fiancee of my good friend, apparently she was up for it, he confronted me to ask. The details I am shady on as I didn’t go into question it because I was more stunned than anything.
I was a little confused as these people were crazy for each other at the beginning of their relationship. Now, I am all for having a little fun and I have participated in 3some’s before – but what’s the difference for me? I was never the third person being invited into the bedroom of a couple, and it was never arranged as such. In the past it eventuated through a feeling of connection in the moment and going with the flow and doing what felt right at the time, with people I had a lovely night with.
I guess my point is this; threesomes can go a few ways –
1) The deed is done, and it’s out of their system and realize their bedroom is for them only
2) the guy will love it so much, he’ll want to do it again, and trust me, it’s not really as great as it’s portrayed, it’s actually more like three people fumbling around but as long as everyone can have a laugh, it’s a bit more enjoyable.
3) the women or man may see how much the other enjoyed it and feel disconnected, become jealous and begin to doubt their relationship or the character of their partner.
4) it WILL CHANGE things forever, whether that’s in a positive or negative light.
It’s one thing to bang on as a single person, but there’s just so much at stake if it’s YOUR fantasy and you haven’t spoken about every possible outcome and especially boundaries. I guess people need to be aware that this can either make or break a relationship and all too often it breaks.
Thanks for writing in. It helps a lot to hear about others’ experiences and perspectives when thinking thru issues like this.
This is a good post. I don’t think a relationship could survive a threesome, because I would feel like he might be looking at the other girl more than me.. I believe it’s just a fantasy. Some girls are only willing to do it because they think it’s sexy. I disagree. A relationship should be about two people. Bringing a third person into the equation would make things complicated. I don’t think I would ever allow myself to have a threesome with my partner.
Some women seem to be able to enjoy it. But most don’t seem to.
I just wanted to share my experiences with everyone here. I’m married to my husband for 18 years now. We had quite a few threesomes and one just recently. I really do enjoy them and love having them. I think I might even enjoy it more than he does! The first time it was his idea but after that it became my wanting. Strangely I really don’t know how and why am able to get all these threesomes but I love it and would definitely keep it coming. Our relationship never changed if anything it only got stronger.
Yes, just like a friend of mine who I talked about, some do work. A few other women have also written in describing threesomes they enjoyed.
The problem is that while more than half of men would like a 3-some, only 10% of women do, making situations like yours both possible and unlikely.
So glad to hear that you enjoy your sex life, like you, I am a woman who is married to an understanding guy. Because of threesomes my enjoyment of sex has skyrocketed to the point of needing other fellas to keep me smiling ! At 56 years old, I feel like a 26 year old and its so exciting !! My husband is not as interested as I in this lifestyle so I have “Date” nights with usually younger guys. My husband is great and is fine with me taking short trips with my special friends. My life has never been better !!
I applaud you on the message of this article, don’t do it because you feel pressed to. If it isn’t a lifestyle choice, it really is a slippery slope to travel for three seconds of pleasure and the ability to say, ‘yea, been there done that’. There are benefits (strengthening an amazing relationship/ being the lover to make a fantasy a reality). And there are pitfalls, some obvious (cheating) and others unexpected (the one who suggested it didn’t enjoy it as much as the other two involved). Please don’t think that it will prove our love or fix a broken relationship. It works for some, but not for all. You can plan every single detail, but you can’t anticipate how the 2nd or 3rd person might feel or behave.
I am a 31 year old bisexual and have been in three long term relationships. I was a model, a soldier, and now a teacher. I have my insecurities (one breast is 2 cup sizes larger than the other). I have been in situations where it was either my idea or my partner’s idea.
I had a four-way with my 1st boyfriend (5yrs older than me) after I came back from active duty in the military. The women had no rules, but the men could only penetrate their woman. While I was on active deployment he was allowed to play with any female, that wasn’t a friend, who understood that it was only about sex. He couldn’t follow the rules and that was the beginning of the end. I was fine with the idea of having a playmate occasionally. He wanted to continue to play (without me) after I came home for good. I didn’t want an open relationship so I left. He regrets it to this day.
My 2nd boyfriend (3yrs younger than me) was so loving and innocent and felt that he couldn’t please me (doctor botched his circumcision at birth) and suggested we invite another male. I was completely satisfied by him and declined for quite a while. We eventually found a well endowed man to join us and it didn’t go well because my bf felt that he was just too rough with me and at my signal called it off. He felt bad that he subjected me to that and didn’t talk to me for a week out of guilt. I suggested we try it again with a female and he only said yes because he knew I was bi. That went very well because I trusted my man and never felt threatened by the other female. We tried a MFM 3way again and it was better than the first time because my man now knew what he wanted to take place. I did it to please him and it strengthen our relationship. He realized that I only wanted/needed him. Making him happy made me happy. The relationship ended only because his family arranged a marriage for him. Yeah, I know sigh.
I didn’t entertain the notion with my third partner (4yrs younger) because I knew it would be trouble. He had an addictive personality.
I’m a year and a half into my fourth relationship (6yrs older) and he has asked for a 3way. He wasn’t aware that I am bi or that I had tried it before when he first proposed the idea. It’s taken some time and several failed attempts but I found a female that I’m comfortable with to make it happen. We’ve already discussed our “rules”. I’m not worried about jealousy on anyone’s part, she has a husband waiting at home for her (open relationship). My concern is that we aren’t ready to add this to our relationship as of yet and so it hasn’t happened. Maybe for our anniversary. With my other relationships, it had been 2-3yrs in. We’re talking and weighing all the repercussions and I feel that when I am ready it will be on like donkey kong! Until it happens, he’s patient and understanding.
If this is something you want to try, there has to be a great level of trust and security on both your parts. Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured into sharing your body in a way you don’t want to. If your partner’s love is hinged on you having a 3way, then it’s a love you can do without. Don’t do it because you think it will save the relationship! They will still leave you in the end if that is what they want to do. Then you’re left feeling all types of yucky. Do it because you feel comfortable and wish to explore and expand with a partner you trust.
Communication is the most important requirement, from beginning to end. Search together and prepare together (go lingerie shopping). Finally do something special as a couple after the experience to reaffirm your relationship and commitment to each other. You both have to want it equally. Don’t Do It For Your Partner! (Unless you are the type to be happy as long as your partner is happy). Set guidelines and safe words. Is kissing allowed? Eye contact? Your favorite position? Can they use the technique that makes you scream on the invited? Please don’t be afraid to end it right then and there if you feel violated. This allows you to nip naughty behavior in the bud and to keep you from regretting saying yes. If they love you they will respect your choice.
This is important information. Would you mind if I edited it slightly and put it on my blog? (Like the first sentence is great for a comment but not the best opening sentence for a blog post.)
With you as author. I could use the name bluebird, or anything you like.
Go for it. Do you need anything clarified?
I’ll try to edit this week, and let you know.
Below is the letter I wrote to my current partner about why I feel we aren’t ready. Feel free to edit as needed.
I’m don’t think I’m interested in doing this anymore. You don’t seem to understand the gravity of what we’d be experiencing. I know you’ve never done this before but you aren’t oblivious to how it could and has already been affecting us. I asked you to google rules and situations and you said you had. We aren’t just meeting her for coffee and then going about our day. We are going to fuck another person. As much as this is mostly play, its wrapped in emotions that can’t be avoided. Could you picture sharing me and not feeling some type of way? We’re adding something so intimate to the mix when there are basic things that we’ve still yet to experience together. Its hard for me to picture you making me feel special after it if you haven’t been doing it before.
Ok, here’s my edit. I filled in a couple gaps by guessing at what you meant or might have felt. Please change anything that’s not accurate, or let me know if you’d like me to do anything differently. (I’ll eventually delete this post and your response, but keep your original comment. I also deleted your letter in this comments section down to the section I used, to retain more of your privacy.)
[Note to readers, I’ve replaced text that was approved with link to the post, below.]
Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not. https://broadblogs.com/2013/10/14/threesomes-can-be-fun-or-not/
Blubird: you may want to go to the linked post and respond to a comment I wrote to you over there, and then check the box that says “subscribe to comments” (it’s free) just in case someone has more questions that they would like to ask you. (If you’re interested in answering. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.)
Thanks again. I think that what you wrote will be helpful for a lot of people.
Hey, that’s awesome. Update, he understood where I was coming from after reading the letter and admitted he was afraid as well and appreciated my honesty. We’ve become so much more amazing as a couple in these last few days. Thanks
Great! And good to hear.
I’ve scheduled your piece for Monday.
my husband and I started having threesomes when he came back to me after a sabbatical that he now has a Son from. I figured hey why not would keep him with me at the same time give him that strange he’s’s always wanted!? We’ve had one every year at least if not more but every time, its all about him and I get nothing.. The one tried to engage the first contact he flipped out after nutting up in her of course, we both cheated last year well i cheated, he had a six well relationship while i was visiting my parents outa state! I got over it…(sort of,) and now he wants to have one with the only friend I’ve got! He’s already starting to turn her against me for stupid little stuff, going over to get place after work and doing handy things that he doesn’t even do@home!? She and I use to shower together due to our living situations and he was all worried we were messing around which we weren’t, and so she kinda brought up hey what if… And I thought about it for a minute but said no and i made the mistake of telling him… Now its like that’s all he can think about… What can/ should I do?
Well, the situation looks a little lopsided to me. He gets threesomes but you don’t get the the sort you would like – or what you would like (if it is something other than a 3-some).
But I’m also wondering if there is some lopsidedness in terms of his desire for a more open marriage? Would you prefer more monogamy? Or do you both desire a more open marriage, but the problem is that it mostly — or always — takes a form that he prefers?
How much do each of you think about the other person’s feelings and try to accommodate each other? How generous are both of you with each other? How empathetic?
How close are you two? How satisfied are you with the marriage? Do you think you are happier in it or would you be happier with someone else?
These are questions I’m asking you to think about, yourself, rather than give me answers.
You might also want to see a counselor who could get both sides and get much more information on both of your perspectives, and discuss all of this in more depth.
My boyfriend and I have them all the time.
I think it is a fun way to keep the relationship with excitement.
Is this going to be bad in the future for us?
we’ve been together for a year now.
The instability of relationships comes when one partner wants to do threesomes and the other one doesn’t. Since 90% of women don’t want to do it and the majority of guys do, you could end up with a lot of unstable relationships if the guy was pressuring the girl to do it.
But 10% of women do enjoy it. And you appear to be one of them. And so does your boyfriend. So looks to me like you’re completely compatible. So if you don’t stay together it likely won’t be because of this. In fact, he should thank his lucky stars to have a girlfriend who enjoys it. You might even be more likely to stay together because of that.
I feel like reiterating that it’s not a scientific study is a bit of a sidestep past the value or need of the questions posed. Those questions are deeply involved with some of the research that you provided, which I presume we are tending towards drawing some sort of a viewpoint from (whether it be a hard-line one or not). I also don’t feel any impetus to polarize those as “scientific” either. They more just seem to me relevant considerations to be made before drawing conclusions off of the sources you provided as they might affect whatever viewpoint is reached. I also don’t see why that because women don’t like something, the corollary need (tend) suggest the negative impact on the relationship. There are things females don’t like but do for their male, and there are things that males don’t like but do for their female. I would personally be more interested in the balance of this and how it fits into the two individuals seeking to actively (emphasis) satisfy each other’s needs as a whole. I’ll drop my pressing at this though to forgo tedium and because what you’re saying in that comment I think is super important.
The disconnect in understanding of the gender minds, I think, is really interesting and so often unnoticed except as superficial cliches stating tendencies. Those “why” motivations you’re getting at really do, I believe, help make both parties feel better. Adding to what you said about feeling less pressured and also guys feeling less dissapointed, I also think that understanding can help deal with some of the initial frustration of even acknowledging those thoughts are there. To find out your guy has had sexual thoughts of another woman in with our current cultural norms can be a shock, but understanding what they means (and especially, doesn’t mean) to the guy I think can open to even better communication if not an even higher security. The reciprocal side is of course also imperative and makes me want to rewatch that old “What Women Want” movie. So championing further understanding of each other is awesome. Keep that up by all means!
So why don’t you do some research on this or pass along any you find.
I always fantasize about being with two or more men when I masterbate. I would like to try it in real life if I could find the right two men. Having said that, if I were in a loving committed relationship and my partner did not want to have a threesome with me and another man then we wouldn’t. Case closed. End of discussion. Why would I want him to do something sexually that he feels uncomfortable with? That’s not what love or sex is about. I don’t need studies or statistics to support my choice. I’m not going to feel left out because I never had a threesome with 2 men. There are just so many more important things. Yes I find lots of men sexy. So what? I don’t dwell on that when I’m in a relationship so why should my man? We see someone who makes our groin tingle and we carry on. If we are evolved enough we just appreciate the fact that we have a loving partner so we don’t have to try and pursue the unknown with a stranger.
It feels as is the conclusions drawn here are broader than is warranted by the supports personally. Before I would hesitate on any implication that relationships couldnt survive a threesome off of the examples you’re giving, I’d want to hear some perspectives from the positive side (which we can’t feign don’t exist). More useful would be randomized (as well as a demographics-based) studies. To base the opinion on such as the Hufft therapist seems a bit disigenuous. How many clients are included in this? What’s the demographic proportion inlcuding their previous beliefs? Was their relationship already in danger? Did his counseling have any effect on the outcome? That’s not to discount any circumstancial evidence from joining the disussion, but I’d caution against such strong claims from it.
I also don’t understand the link to breaking a relationship because it’s more a “guy thing.” (although I ABSOLUTELY agree with what Im hoping is your main point that women who feely deeply uncomfortable about it should not be coerced into it) Guys and gals do indeed have different wants. This doesn’t mean that we isolate such desires from each other (even sometimes on activities, for sake of arguments, initially somewhat uncomfortable). We can and do compromise or enjoin in each other’s desires for the sake of the other (emphasis however on the willing intent side of that).
I know by this point I’m probably sounding like an annoying gnat, but I also find the correlation from porn a bit presumed. Are we able to show that threesomes have actually increased chronilogically with porn, or could it only seem that way? If it really has increased, is that a sufficient conclusion? Could it not be that porn allows men to feel more vocal on previously quieted desires? Or could it even just be a typical correlation not causation issue where both factors have changed because of a more foundational shifting moral landscape?
Forgive the pickings, but I was surprised at how none of the comments seemed to be addressing these issues which seemed pretty important in my opinion. I must say though, kudos on getting down to some of the differences working behind each gender though. I think a better understandinf of this could really help relationships meet both of each partners needs better. And definitely, the female should never feel coerced into a threesome even if one concluded the male justified in wanting it. Coercion is different from compromise though, and if a compromise is happily made, I see no reason to jump to this killing off the relationship.
Well first, I never said that relationships can’t survive a threesome. And I gave an example of a friend of mine whose relationship did survive — several 3-somes, actually. But he is in a polyamorous relationship. So read more closely.
I’m afraid that the sort of data you are looking for isn’t available. At least not that I’m aware of. So I looked at anything I could find. Since I made clear where I was getting my data, people can make their own judgments. But I never claimed that this was a scientific study.
So, based on the experience of those I know (who weren’t in troubled relationships), the experience of others who have talked about this, and everyone else who has talked to me (outside of polyamory) they TYPICALLY don’t survive, or are not enjoyable, or don’t end well. I’ve since learned of a couple more instances where the women either weren’t “into it” or where the woman totally hated it. In another instance the woman partner liked it “too much” and the man who had initiated it broke up with her because he was so upset by how much she enjoyed it. But women, in particular, are often upset by partners who want to do this sort of thing — and you can see several examples of this if you read the comments prior to the one you wrote.
Of the data that is actually available, there is plenty to suggest that women usually don’t want a threesome and that most men do want one. If you create a situation where a woman doesn’t want to do something but the man does, you are likely to have problems. I have tried to explain what is most likely to go through her head – which is very different from what men fantasize will be going through her head based on porn — so that guys will have a better understanding of what the reality is most likely to be like.
Another bit of data that is actually out there is the correlation between threesomes increasing in porn and men’s desires for threesomes increasing along with it. That’s from a book called “Pornified” which is linked to in the post.
When it comes to compromising, that goes both ways. The guy could also compromise by not trying to convince his partner to do a threesome when he realizes it’s upsetting. And if you read other comments on this post, you will find plenty of women — and some men — who are upset by either a partner who wants a threesome or the fallout after they try it. One man related an experience where it worked out well, but it wasn’t a relationship situation for him, and it was with women who were polyamorous.
I know of at least one couple where the guy wanted a threesome and the woman did not, and found it very upsetting. They talked about the relationship and what they most wanted from it. In their case, they most wanted a relationship that was close and connected. And he realized that the sort of relationship he most wanted was unlikely to come out of a relationship that included threesomes. Other couples might want something else, like sexual experimentation and adventurous sex. In that case, threesomes would work. And in that case, a polyamorous relationship would probably be best.
You certainly at least seem to be drawing a generalization about threesomes though even if you’re not saying it must be that way in EVERY case. I can discuss that generalization can’t I? Perhaps that wasn’t the general opinion you were reaching, but that was my interpretation, not necessarily just because I skimmed what you wrote. Heck, I actually read it with a little more gusto because I thought you were presenting yourself well.
And indeed it’s a shame there isn’t much of such studies (as far as I can tell). I don’t see why that makes relevant questioning of circumstancial evidence any less useful though. I also don’t see why just because we’re not doing a rigoroualy scientific trial we can’t ask those questions to attempt eliminate our own bias and help us figure out what, if any, conclusions are reasonable to be drawn from such. I did find this article (http://tsl.pomona.edu/articles/2010/10/4/lifeandstyle/1921-is-three-a-crowd-the-truth-about-threesomes) which seemed to suggest an even mix about feelings on threesomes afterwords, but I would of course ask similar questions. You don’t HAVE to, of course, like you’re saying, but hey, it’s still useful.
On what you said about porn, I didn’t hear anything in regards to whether the correlation was actually the cause. That might be because I didn’t read the book hah, but unfortunately amazon isn’t so kind to oblige me that for free from your link. I imagine that one is pretty dern interesting though.
On compromise, right on. It might be that the male can get his jollies a different way, or that the female can get her security and romantics a different way. Or that they can both get a little bit of the way they both want it. Hopefully both parties are able to maximize both of their desires at the least expense of anything the other wouldn’t like. So I think the question becomes a matter of how to do that.
I guess all in all my point (opinion) is that I don’t think we know enough to generalize about threesomes in and of themselves. It seemed like you were drawing some beliefs about them inherently, but maybe you just in light of the current cultural status. Either way, I think their affect on relationships is a vastly complex web including some inherent factors of threesomes, but also personal beliefs, societal values, and the statis of crucial things in a relationship like trust and communication.
Like I said, this isn’t a scientific study. It’s just some logical reasoning based on what research we do have: that few women want threesomes whereas a lot of men do. When I polled my own students on the topic – and it was women’s studies classes, so it was nearly all women – 90% of women rated interest in a threesome at 1 out of 10. A couple went off the chart and put their interest at zero.
If 90% of women have no interest in threesomes at all – which is similar to national data – then I can’t imagine threesomes working very well for most relationships. There’s a certain logic to it.
I’m hoping that this will help men to feel less bad – less like they are missing out — so that their self-esteem will suffer less. And I’m hoping that women will feel less pressured into doing a threesome if they don’t want to. They need to know that their feelings are common and that they shouldn’t feel like they have to do something out of pressure. That is why I wrote the post even though we don’t have answers to the questions you asked.
Though there is nothing wrong with asking the questions that you ask.
I respect what you’re saying, and threesomes are definitely not something to rush into (baby steps, baby steps!), but I think they got a bad rap in there. I’ve had one, with the net result being a much increased friendship between the two women, though the fact that I was not dating either of them may factor into its ease.
Lately I’ve been spending time with three sets of polyamorous people, and all three have had threesomes (and a foursome), enjoyed them immensely, are still together, and plan on having more in the future. There were no gender divides or characterizations, they were never pressed on anybody, from either gender, and no one was dragged into anything kicking and screaming. (If there was screaming, it was of an entirely different nature.)
Again, they are not something to rush into, but I think the sex negativity of our culture, and the fact that yes, the porn world is so (so many adjectives to use here…) blech, have unfairly dismissed threesomes as male fantasy, toxic, and foolish, when I would rather say they are another part of the sexual landscape, to be carefully and deliberately chosen by those who wish to, and avoided by the rest.
Thanks for your perspective.
As I mentioned in the piece, the one couple I know of who survived a threesome are polyamorous. That said, the husband told me that his wife was only convinced to enter that sort of relationship kicking and screaming. But that said, I also know of several women who were the more interested parties in polyamory.
Also, you most likely won’t find a gender divide among the polyamorous. They’ve all agreed to it. “pre-qualified” you might say. But they arent representative of the general population. When you go there, a number of studies have found men more interrested than women. I’ve surveyed my own students and about 90% of my women students rated 3-somes a 1 out of 10 in interrest. A few went off the scale with 0’s.
That may well have to do with living in a sex-negative culture… Which is more sex-negative for women than men. Now add growing up with Disney Princesses living happily ever after to the mix. Plus, men’s bodies aren’t fetishized, making random sex partners a bit less appealing for women. And then there’s the dream of one-and-only soul mates.
And check out these related posts.
Twilight vs Porn
Men Watch Porn, Women Read Romance. Why?
Great post!
I was approached to be the other woman in a threesome. It is nothing I ever wanted to do. The invite was somewhat flattering. He had big plans for us in the bedroom, but did all of the planning behind the other girl’s back. I MIGHT have gone through with it, but I was not even remotely attracted to the other woman. Plus, I liked him and thought to myself, “If this jerk is planning all of this behind the poor girl’s back- then what ever would he do to me if we got together?” No thanks. Glad I’m smart enough to have walked away from what sounds like would have been a horrible situation for myself in the end.
To each their own, I say- but just leave me out of it.
Thanks. I’m glad you liked the post. And, sounds like a wise decision to me.
Hahaha!
What a fun post. I came over here to thank you, for checking out my blog. Wow, wasn’t expecting this! Lol Boys will be boys and that’s all I have to say! Lol
Hope you have a great weekend. Hugs Paula xxx
Thanks. I’ve gotten all sorts of reactions to this post. Some people love it some people were angry with me. Others write in asking for advice on problems they’re having with a threesome situation – and on all sides: they want one but don’t know how to approach their partner, they are upset because their partner wants one, they had one and now things are shot to hell…
Haha!
It’s a catch 22, isn’t it? I won’t go into it, but I have been down this road too. It depends on the maturity and type of relationship between the two people. For me it was fine. But, I know many people that it did the opposite. Like I said it was a fun post!
Have a great Sunday! Paula xxx
Thanks so much!
My boyfriend is in jail right now, but he seems way too desperate to have a threesome when he gets home. He came up with this off of a dream. We are going on 3 years soon, thinking of marriage at some point. It bothers me. It seems like he just want to see another girl naked. Should I be worried because I am. What are really the reasons people want a threesome when they are together?
The number of guys wanting threesomes has increased since porn started making it a staple. So he may have been affected by this. Or, in prison the guys may have been bragging about all the (most likely fake) threesomes they’ve had, and your boyfriend thinks he’s missing out. When the guys are most likely making it all up. Some guys want a threesome cause they want to spice things up or they’re bored. I doubt that’s the case with him, being in prison.
Since most couples who do threesomes seem to break up you should ask both yourself and him if the risk is worth it. Ask him what he wants out of the relationship. See if it fits what you want, and what would fit with having a threesome.
You might also ask if he finds the thought of having a threesome with you and another guy appealing. If not, why not? He may not like the idea any more than you if roles are reversed, and it might help him to get why you don’t want to do it.
I feel you should be true to yourself and not feel pressured. If you feel pressured and uncomfortable the relationship won’t likely last or be healthy.
A threesome is a terrible idea in for any serious relationship, forget the phycological abuse one party might feel, think about the diseases out there, accidental pregnancies! But for those gentlemen that do…think about your ladies. Would you really want to watch someone jam their junks all up into her? Savor her the way you do? Would that turn you on? I think it would make you insecure, angry, and you would never forgive yourself for allowing it. No, no, no…. Love is meant for two people, there shouldn’t be room for a third.
Thanks for bringing that up.
Yes, that’s something that I had thought of myself when one boyfriend suggested it. I felt like anyone who was up to join a couple doing a threesome was likely to have diseases.
I was approached and I am not diseased in any way, but I think I know what you meant! Ha.Ha. Well, I was approached and disease free- and I did NOT participate. This is a great point to bring up! Who would actually be willing to join a couple in “love”? I think it’s an invitation to being used for two people’s pleasure… not my own.
I think, from reading all the comments I’ve received, that different people can feel used. Sometimes it’s one of the members of the couple. Sometimes the person who is invited.
Thanks for adding your perspective.
You know, I think, too, it might depend on the way in which you are invited into it. This doesn’t feel like it’s an honest invite if that makes sense. He is still asking me/pursuing it/begging me. He has wanted to have sex with me long before she was around. Sounds like he’s really in love with her. (Kidding.) He refers to her as his ‘slut’. So… what does that make me? My reply is still no. I can’t imagine he loves her if he’s doing all of this behind her back. I’m intrigued as to his line of thinking. I certainly cannot figure it out. Not really sure that I want to. Will most likely cut off contact. Was trying to still be friends, but I am not sure I can deal with his lack of morals and respect… for me, for her… for all women at this point.
I agree that it doesn’t seem like an honest invite. I know that I would be more than a little concerned about how he saw me (if I were the invitee) given how he treats his partner.
I feel like this is that common, especially if you truly love someone then a three some should never be something we want. For instance if i was in this position, i would never say yes to a three some. I think it is very weird, but some relationship they both agree to have a three some which i find it awkward, but i guess we are all different and want different things. i totally agree sandra ruelas. She couldn’t have said it any better.
I feel the same way. If you truly love someone, then a threesome would never be an option. I think it is fine to talk about and fantasize about… but the actual act? Ehhh, a little too much for this girl.
I suppose there are those who may be able to handle it and survive it. I don’t see myself being one of those who could survive it. I love being sexual, but one on one is where I do my best work. I want a lover who is focused on me, me, me so I can focus on them, them, them!
I have just had a threesome with me and my. Wife it didn’t take much to perswade her but it was with my best mate it was my idea but when he perormed oral on her I could not vare to look and when she was facing me but my mate was having sex from behind I could not look but carried on anyway now I can’t even look at my wife or talk to her how do I deal with this sitution ?
I know more about the dangers than how to deal with the situation once there’s been a problem.
Maybe you’re having a problem forgiving her for enjoying something that you had hoped you would enjoy. In which case, you would need to forgive her. Forgive and forget. That could take some time. Maybe you should talk with her about why it is you’re feeling the way you do and the two of you can learn from the experience and work it out somehow.
Here are some other thoughts:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100808165040AAdCAh9
I don’t consider myself to be an exceptionally jealous person, but I really don’t think a threesome would work for me. Not only is it just too much of an emotional toll on a relationship, logistically speaking, it just sounds complicated. It’s hard enough to make sure your needs and your partners needs are getting met in intimate situations, I can’t imagine having to worry about an entire other person’s set of needs.
Personally I don’t think I would ever have a threesome with my partner. I can’t even imagine it- I know i would get jealous seeing the man that I love with some other girl in front of me and i would hope my Bf wouldn’t want me sleeping with someone else in front of him. That a little over my comfort zone. I think a threesome would workout just find with three random people. Maybe a month ago, I was at my local bar and I had a married couple ask me if I would have a threesome with them. The weird part was that the wife was the one who asked…. I laughed and said no thanks..
I’d never do a threesome either. But I can imagine that if I did agree to, and if it were my partner’s idea, I would be more comfortable in being the one to approach the woman. On the other hand, sometimes it’s the women who wants a threesome.
In my opinion I don’t believe that a relationship could survive a threesome because I think that someone will feel left out or maybe feel like they are getting the same love and attention that the other person is getting so then I believe that jealously would play a strong part in the relationship. And if threesome were successful then everyone would start to have a three some or a lot of people would be having them. I put myself in that situation I wouldn’t want to be in a three some because I feel that that the love wouldn’t be equal but I guess that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion
Would I want to engage in a threesome with my partner? Never! Automatically i’d feel insecure about having another women in my home and in my bed sharing my fiancé. I have had friends who have engaged in threesomes but that usually led to both partners cheating on eachother but for those who are interested should establish boundaries that require both of you know enough about each other, know how your partner reacts in various situations, and a level of trust exists. This means that the boundaries you establish have a level of implied understanding. Having boundaries being implied means they are something that understood between your husband and yourself. If are a couple with strong communication and have been together for several years then you can get with a few boundaries. However if you are a new couple then you will have to spend allot of time working through understanding what each boundary means. Part of discussing your rules it will be necessary to talk a bit about how the two of you act as a couple and as an individual so that the boundaries are better understood.
Let me just start of by saying bacon flavored would be a great idea. With that said I do not think a relationship can last a 3 way because of what a woman would think during it as stated above, “How much attention is ‘she’ getting compared to me?” Also if they relationship is going smoothly and the two love each other why would you need an extra person, it’s literally like both partners are cheating on each other at the same time….and they’re both ok with it. I don’t look down on three ways, just saying it’s different when you’re in a relationship(pornstars most likely aren’t in a relationship with the people they’re having sex with). Also, my stance on this is that I would never have a three way with my girlfriend and would question our relationship if she brought it up. A relationship is much different than a one night stand.
My boyfriend has been asking me for a three some I do want to please him but I don’t want to lose him. I know if I agree to this it would end out relationship I wouldn’t and don’t agree to sharing my man with another woman, specially if we have big plans. Should I go for it, or not?
I think you must always be true to yourself and never do anything that you experience as emotionally harmful.
I don’t really see what the point is in agreeing to do something that you know will end the relationship.
Have you ever asked him how he would experience being in a threesome with you and another guy? Maybe you should propose it just to get him to see how he might feel in your situation. There’s a possibility that he would find it as unsavory as you do and get why you don’t want to do it.
I have and he takes it a complete different way like it’s the end of the world. Then he talks about getting what he wants somewhere else. I find that as a threat n offense. I think I should just end this for good 😦
From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you can have a healthy relationship with this person. I’d encourage you to find someone who has empathy, who cares about your feelings, and who respects you. Sounds like you could do better.
I don’t think threesomes would work for most people. It might work in a short-term relationship if they find it sexy but sex isn’t all in a relationship. Also, I don’t understand why a man needs 2 women to have sex. They have one penis! It definitely reduces women’s pleasure in sex because they have to share a man. The man would be distracted too. We all should know that what’s in the porn is just a fantasy.
I agree with you! I think it’s best to leave it out of a relationship- it’s something that should be experimented with before you are ready to settle down. I love this entire blog article. It has been so eye opening and interesting! The comments are great. But I agree with everything you said. Porn is JUST a fantasy.
I think porn is such a big influence on men that it’s gross. It’s even bad towards them because although they feel pleasure they can also feel insecure about how large these video men are. For sure I would not want to have a threesome if I plan to stay with a boyfriend long term because I’m visual and the thought and image of another girl or guy in the room will cause distraction and make me feel like I cheated or he cheated on me. Insecurity would be a big factor that I probably wouldn’t even be aroused. Like what if my partner is more into this extra person or what if her figure is better? Save the threesome for college experiments, not for falling in love.
But at least porn reveals the minds 🙂 Like this, you can choose a person that besides everything what he/she has seen and desired once, He/she CHOOSES to live in a certain way from his/her own free will! Love, marriage, celibate…whatever
There are people who feel excited with the “jealous” feeling… 🙂
Personally, I want to keep that tiny desire in fantasy only. I know that if I ask for it and do it, I will depress or even break up… You’re right “save it for college experiments, not falling in love”. That’s how I think, and It’s not a “convencional way to think”… it’s a safe way 🙂 To do that, it’s necessary to have an open mind and heart (and that’s very rare xD)… Most of the people don’t have the emocional stability to get into it… I couldn’t stand it.
I’m not aware of this, but if they do enjoy it, fine.
I’m just saying that when 3/4 of men would like 3-somes, but only 10% of women do, most men aren’t likely to have what they see in porn.
I don’t want women feeling pressured to do something they find hurtful. And I don’t want men feeling like they’re the only one’s being left out of all the fun. Few men are having threesomes like in porn.
Well, what about the women who want a threesome with their boyfriend and their boyfriend’s (male)best friend? How would the relationship fair there? I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like and have admitted to my partner of a dream I had where it actually happened. Since I’ve told him about the dream I’ve had daydreams of him and his best friend ever since but I am worried about what it would do to our relationship if it were to ever happen. His best friend is a really great guy so I am sure there would be no drama afterwards but still, I worry. I also worry on how this would effect my boyfriend and his view of me. I am by no means promiscuous (my boyfriend is the only guy I’ve slept with, I lost my virginity to him and him to me) and I do not want a relationship or anything with his best friend, it’s just this idea of them and me is so erotic to me and I can’t shake the dream. What do I do?
Suggesting a threesome is always a risk to a relationship (unless your partner has already indicated interest). And guys who want threesomes typically want two women + him, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he weren’t interested. And the friend angle might even make it creepier for him. If he weren’t creeped out by “doing it” with his friend he might be creeped out by inviting his friend. Then it becomes a risk to his relationship with his friend, who might never want to see him again. Even bringing it up might make him uncomfortable seeing you and his friend together in the future, even if you two never go beyond this initial question. Plus, guys are more homophobic and less likely than women to have bisexual tendencies, or be in touch with them, anyway.
So you really need to weigh the risk of asking him.
If you are really, insanely interested, maybe if you watch porn together or know of any movies that have threesomes in it, maybe you could watch one and see how he reacts to it. Or maybe tell him that you read some research about how about three quarters of guys have fantasies about threesomes with two women and a man and tell him you’re wondering how he feels about that (if you mention two women maybe he will feel less threatened, though he may worry you’re bi or lesbian). If he is interested in doing a threesome with him and two women, you could volunteer to take turns: 2 guys 1 girl; 2 girls 1 guy.
My boyfriend has told me he does not want a threesome with another girl. He and his best friend are insanely close and he has no fears of homosexuality. Before I had really known the two I initially thought they had had something going on, that’s how close they are. I know the homosexuality thing wouldn’t be a problem or any awkwardness between him and his friend.
The movie/porn suggestion is a really good idea, I will mention it and see how it goes. Thanks!
You’re welcome.
I also want to add that after browsing your blog a bit you clearly know what I’m talking about. The comments were more what made me want to reply. Hopefully it opens some peoples’ minds to think a little outside the box:)
Here’s a great read related to what I just said. I love people who turn conventional wisdom on its head and leave us asking new questions. This is what science is all about!
http://www.salon.com/2013/06/02/the_truth_about_female_desire_its_base_animalistic_and_ravenous/
Thanks. Yes, I’ve already read it.
I’m seeing a common theme here in the comments that if someone wants to have sex with a person other than their partner they must not love them. Isn’t it common knowledge that we all want variety? The pharmaceutical industry is trying to synthesize a drug that increases a woman’s desire but failing because the complexity of it is making it hard to target any one aspect. Scientists have found that the problem lies not in the level of desire in general but rather in the partner she’s been with for several years. It gets old. New science is finding that woman are just as animalistic about sex as men, if not more. We have been hiding room that fact for so long because our values left over from the puritans make it disturbing to most of us. I am very comfortable in my sexuality and understand that both myself and my boyfriend need variety after 5 years of sleeping together. We have a great relationship and I’m perfectly fine with the idea of him having sex with another woman with me present or not. He’s more traditional and not cool with the idea so far. I’m not pushing it too much, but I’ll be happy to hear he’s ready if he ever decides. I gave him the option of an open relationship and threesomes. I’m not worried about him being more interested in the other woman even though I don’t feel like I’m super hot or anything. We have an awesome connection and he knows he won’t find another chick as chill as I am. Besides, if he were to leave me for someone he is more interested in who am I to try and prevent that by being possessive? A threesome and sharing can make a relationship last simply because the person is getting that variety that they desire while still having the loving connection at home. Be warned though, this is not for the narrow minded! You must think beyond the cultural and social boundaries arbitrarily placed on your relationship. Ask yourself why you think monogamy is important and truly look deep. You might be surprised to find that it doesn’t make sense if your not religious for instance. Do some research on monogamy. That’s what swayed me. I read all about the biochemical and emotional aspects of sex and monogamy and found that it’s forced. Look at the divorce rate and serial monogamy. Not many people are truly monogamists.
I just wanted to bring in a different side to the story. I wish people would question their values more often, as opposed to blindly following cultural norms.
If it helps to understand my perspective my boyfriend and I are 31 and 27 respectively and we have been together for over 5 years and have a 3 year old. I see no signs of our relationship ending and we have an amazing sex life. Because of the comfort I feel in our relationship I am perfectly fine with bringing other people into it for some sexual pleasure. No emotional stuff though. That takes up too much time. He has yet to agree to any of it though–including bringing in another woman.
Actually, not everyone does know that we want variety. And not everyone feels like they want variety. Your boyfriend apparently being one.
Especially early in a relationship. We live in a culture that has a notion of “soulmate,” a perfect one and only. Most of us are socialized into this view. I have been successfully socialized into this view. That’s what I want in my deepest heart of hearts. I have a hard time finding the thought of having sex with a bunch of random men the least bit appealing.
What I think is narrowminded is thinking that everyone has to be the way that we are, ourselves. So if I think that everyone should be like me – wanting a one and only soulmate – then that would be narrowminded. If you feel like everyone should be like you, then that is narrowminded.
A friend of mine is in a polyamorous relationship. I like him a great deal and I respect that that is his preference. He believes that the only reason I don’t want to have sex with him is because I just haven’t expanded my views of things. But I just don’t experience the thought of random sex with him or a bunch of men even a tiny bit appealing. I think it’s narrowminded of him that he cannot take my perspective on how I feel about this even if I am able to take his perspective on how he feels and I respect his desire.
I have even asked another one of my friends who is in a polyamorous relationship to write a blog post on his experience (he’s a writer), and he has agreed to but he hasn’t gotten anything to me yet.
I certainly think that my desire for monogamy is likely because of my socialization. But it is truly felt even if it is due to socialization.
Because of the differences in male and female socialization, men are much more likely to want a threesome than women are. I don’t want women who are sincerely uninterested — or even repelled — by the thought of a threesome to feel pressured into being in one. And I would like men to understand why, most typically, they are unlikely to experience the type of threesome that they see in porn. I don’t want them feeling like they, alone, are being left out while everyone else is having tons of fun.
The comments from the people you are critiquing may well (and likely do) come from the same place that I come from. They feel it sincerely. It’s not a question of values so much as how their heart feels.
I’m also aware of the drug that the pharmaceutical industry is trying to develop, and have written about it on my blog. I’ll be writing more, btw.
A threesome or polyamorous relationship may work fine for some people. Others value a close relationship and security over variety. See some of my posts below. I have included a piece from the New York Times that you may not have read yet, too.
I’ll Have What She’s Having
By ELAINE BLAIR
Daniel Bergner argues that bias has obscured the existence, strength and significance of female sex drive. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/books/review/what-do-women-want-by-daniel-bergner.html?emc=tnt&tntemail0=y&_r=0
More on my posts:
Are Women Naturally Monogamous?
Are Men Really More Polygamous?
Why We Lie About Sex Partner #’s
Are Women Culturally Monogamous?
Sex: From Casual Pleasures to Deep Connection. Readers Discuss
Female Viagra May Work Too Well?
Men Have Higher Sex Drive. Why?
Sexual Desire & Sexism
Sex Lessons from Mom and Dad
Sex and the Walk of Shame
“Cock” vs “Down There”
Sex: Who Gets Screwed?
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?
Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?
Women Want Casual Sex? Yes and No
Lose Virginity, Lose Self-Esteem?
Surprises in Indiana University Sex Survey
Women: Climax Less Likely in Relationship Sex
Men: Climax More Likely in Relationship Sex
Thank you for you reply. It has given me a better understanding of why people would feel the way they do about this topic. I plan to read more of your blog posts to get a new perspective. And you are right about my own narrow-mindedness. I can sometimes fall into thinking that I’m not just because I don’t tend to follow, but obviously I’m wrong about that. Thank you for making me aware.
Thank you for your perspective.
So once upon a time, a guy was chasing my tail and made overtures so grand I fell in love. Because I was in love, suddenly the sex I previously was not even interested in became mind-blowing ly awesome. I was the BEST he’d ever had he said… Of course it got even better. Having fantasized about 3somes myself, and being bi, I was open to the idea AT FIRST. I was confident. But when it actually happened… He was treating HER like the goddess. Then, all the stuff we agreed was part of OUR fantasy wasn’t doing it for him. He was fixated on getting it on with her- to the exclusion of myself. After it was over, he called her while I was at work… Supposedly to set up another tryst. That did it right there. The seeds of mistrust were planted, then sown. It took me 6 years to confess about even fantasizing about another girl in the room with US. If i fantasized about a 3some, they were random people. Any other guy and a girl- fine. But the fantasy was SO ruined. Now he wants another… So do I… But I’m just not sure WE can handle it. He claims now that his “other relationships” were fine… But all those girls cheated on him in the end. I think I know why… They were just beating him to the emotional punch. I’m laying some groundwork for some rules & communication this time. He won’t entertain another man even watching me. So you would think he understands how I feel, instead of citing “immature jealousy and prudishness” on my part. It’s a big bad emotional ride… And I’m not ever going to hand another woman my confidence or trust. Or him either for that matter. If they don’t DESERVE it. That is something that’s earned now.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Yes, there are a lot of dangers potentially. Sometimes I think it likely works best with people you don’t know or care about. If you can get into that sort of thing and if you aren’t worried about diseases.
Interesting how he calls you jealous and prude when he’s not willing to do exactly what he’s asking you to do.
It sounds like you have a relationship totally built around sex- and not emotional happiness or trust. That can only last for so long. If he paid more attention to the other girl and blew off your fantasies- then I would gather he’s probably just using you for the BEST sex he’s ever had until he can find a relationship that fulfills him emotionally as well as sexually. If he was in love with you, I would imagine he would make the threesome or your desires all about you and him, but he didn’t and probably never will. I would bet he would make the next threesome all about the new girl- just like the last time. You have no idea what he has planned ahead of time with the other girl. Time to move on. Life is too short! You say you’re bi, so maybe you can find a more fulfilling relationship with a woman next time around. Why waste time if there is no trust- as you said- it has been sewn. Move on, girl. You’re better than being used and played. I would imagine he uses you for more than just sex.Think more of yourself and you will find the right person for you. Good luck!
Thanks for both of your input! There are days when I could agree with you, Anon… if we dindnt have a 5year old daughter together, we may’ve bn doneago. In all honesty, there was more than JUST sex in the picture… we were both looking for Something when we found each other, and only some of the pieces fit… I love him dearly but I also cannot wrap my head around his manner of thinking sometimes. Indelible rascality is a term that comes to mind.. I love it about him, and when he isn’t feeling subconsciously guilty about it. he’ a paragon of F~U~N! I appreciate it in myself as well but it took a long time for me to recognize it never mind acknowledge it… and he forgot all about that side of me once we fell in love and I took on the Full Time Caregiver roll (ike I tend to do) notrocking the boat isnt exactly conducive to ‘rascality’either … I need to fully be able to connect to that carefree mischevious person in order to access the “beyond magnanimous” 3some
You are the first response that is pretty much the same as mine! My boyfriend reminded me more of that kid who can’t have 2 friends over at the same time…. We discussed the notion of another woman for YEARS, and we would make up scenarios we thought were hot. How they went, was NOT according to plan! He insulted me, and then asked me to sit on his face so SHE could see how good he was and would become more interested… It was downhill from there, HIs need to impress the 3rd was all he cared about. After he gave her oral sex and she climaxed, they fell into a very intimate pile… I walked out of the room. The woman asked him if I was OK, to which my lover of 16 years said” yeah, she’s fine, just feeling alittle insecure”At that point he knows he’s thrown all the ground rules out the window, IAs she’s getting ready to leave, he tries to convince her to stay and “watch him do me”( he was hoping she would turned on and stay) We are still together….but there were so many talks….. Soooo many fragile moments! And I had to have him imagine the shoe on the other foot
“No emotional Stuff though” you have no idea to control whether emotional stuff would come into play. That’s why it’s best to not play at all. It amazes me just how much women go on about how confident they are and how okay they are about their man being with women, but lo’ and behold you say no emotional stuff? Nah, you aren’t cool with it at all, because emotions always finds a way in. Even with the most lax of couples.
I don’t think its all about being narrow minded. I don’t accept many cultural taboos and believes. I have tried with my boyfriend another couple and MMF. The problem for me is that I can share my man with another woman. I like my freedom and not the type who wants to get married and have kids. But when I think about relationship. I am financially independant, not in a hurry to have a family, I also get bored in relationships. So if I have a life partner what if not monogamy will make it special. Otherwise I can keep changing boyfriends every 2 years. I also know that for me to have sex with a man I need not necessarily love but passion. So I asked my boyfriend how he feels about it and he was not too happy. I think my boyfriend had many open relationship and we probably watched too much porn. He was the one who pushed me into this. As the result for about 1 year I stop treating our relationship as anything special ( we were going to marry). Still now when we have sex I reme at times him kissing another girl. Well that puts me off and I am not that excited about sex with him as it was before I experimenting. I got over that in one year, my boyfriend made sure this idea wasn’t brought to the table anymore. But when we talk about risk of boredom of long term relationship, his first though solution seems like sex experimenting with other people. For me …. I get bored in the relationship after 2 years. But I know it’s my issue and the solution is I find a hobbie or something interesting to do. As the result – less time for thinking about having sex life with the same partner and lots of excitement from doing something non sex related. And after that excitement and satisfaction brings back to the relationship. If I was single I would explore threesomes, but not in the committed relationship.
It really depends on the couple. I’m not surprised to hear that relationships don’t last too long because I think when it comes to a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, sharing at first sounds fun but you don’t think of the after effects. I had a friend who did this and her boyfriend broke up with her because while they both enjoyed it an had fun, he thought that she was either to into the act or was insecure about how good he was at satisfying her. I think the only way a threesome is successful is when none of the parties have a strong emotional connection with each other.
I don’t think relationships will survive a threesome at all. If you really love your partner, you wouldn’t just let another woman come in and have sex with your man or let another man have sex with your girlfriend. It just doesn’t feel right. They call it a couple for a reason, 2 people only. Some people like to be spontaneous and try threesomes but after that, I feel like things would change. If you want to experience with other men or women, be single, not in a relationship! If one of the two enjoys the threesome and the other doesn’t it could be a problem too. Jealousy can also occur.
They say sharing is caring, yet there’s things you don’t share. I personally, wouldn’t share my boyfriend. I find the thought of a threesome disrespectful to me. I wouldn’t like my boyfriend having sex with someone else while I quietly watch him and her. I feel like if I would ever have a threesome our relationship wouldn’t work out, just because it opens a door to other women. In addition, it puts his pleasure before mine and I wouldn’t allow this to happen. I would also be insecure and compare myself to the other girl and I just wouldn’t enjoy it.
That isn’t a threesome though! That is one of the biggest misconceptions of threesomes. It isn’t one partner actively having sex with another person while the other watches. It’s all THREE parties partaking in the sexual activities together. If your boyfriend only wants a threesome so he can have sex with another woman while you watch then he isn’t much of a boyfriend at all.
In my opinion, it all depends on the couple and their feelings and thoughts about how they feel on sharing each other with someone else. If both parties are down for the cause, the relationship should work out just fine afterwards. I personally, am all for a three-some. As long as I can pick who its with. That’s the rule my girlfriend and I have. I’m willing to have a three-some with someone I trust and believe are only in it for the sex. If worse comes to shove, it’s because no one was truly honest and/or clear about how they really felt on it. Communication is the key, and in no matter what situation. If you’re not completely honest, having a three-some can end up in a painful heartbreak.
Yes, it always depends.
You are full of it if you believe this system is full proof just because you get to pick the person. What happens if the person you pick is not “only in it for the sex.”? no matter how controlled you try to make the situation in the beginning, it will ALWAYS spiral out of control in the end.
I really like this article. For me, it all depends on the commitment before a couple starts the relationship. In order to survive a threesome relationship, the two people in the relationship need to understand and have the same perspective towards threesome. If they do have the same vision for threesome, than sure they can survive it.
You’re more confident than me.
Let me begin by saying I absolutely love this article! I personally have seen first hand a threesome relationship end horribly. Of course, there were set boundaries but it all seems to get loose and tricky as the relationship went on. Regardless if everyone mutually agreed to partake in such a relationship, it never seems to work. If two brains of lust and chemistry was not enough trouble, added three is a whole other mess. I feel the hardest part is keeping everyone involved stable. Think about all the bickering back and forth couples do and then imagine after a threesome. It changes the relationship dynamic forever. Your significant other will never be able to feel at ease after this. There would be constant mistrust and not to point finger but most woman are insecure. There will always be that pedestal between her and the other woman to compare with. I do not think it is a good idea and for the relationships that have last, they must be the rarest case.
This is a very interesting topic. I would never agree to a threesome because I know that I would question my husband and his love for me. If he ever asked me to have a threesome I would assume that he is no longer interested in me and is really interested in other women. I know that his asking for a threesome would be a huge blow to my ego and self-confidence. I am willing to carry out other fantasies of his as long as he is willing to do the same for me, but bringing in another person into our sex life would be a deal breaker to me. I am not the forgive and forget type of person and he knows that. That is probably the reason we he has never even mentioned the idea or desire of having a threesome.
I’m not a man so would not really say how it feels like for them but I’m worried about women being exposed to Sexually Transmitted Diseases. I’m imagining a situation where the man has a condom and the two women are not protected. he will be transferring diseases from one woman to another.
i’m especially scared for places where HIV and AIDs rates can not be ignored.
wow. interesting. I had asked my boyfriend recently about him wanting a threesome and he said that he wouldn’t want it because he would find it awkward to have the two girls there and not knowing what to do with them,, I think he was lying though like it says in the article men are more physically involved so as soon as he saw two women in front of him he would know exactly what to do with them. As for me having a threesome is not something I would ever try because I would just be worries about what I would be doing while the other girl is being touched or having the guys attention on her. The same questions would come to my head like “How pretty is this other woman compared to me? How much attention is “she” getting compared to me? What does it mean about how he feels about the relationship?” I would want the attention for myself and that special connection that is between a girl and a guy.
maybe a threesome would be good for an older couple who maybe want to spice up their relationship… maybe! i personally wouldn’t have one with my boyfriend or husband because i believe that it will create chaos in a relationship.
In my opinion, having a three some is for people that are in open relationships. I feel that way because of what i read saying that if its two females and one male, the girls will have insecurities on who is getting more attention, who is hotter or who looks better naked. I think that doing a threesome when your in a relationship is a bad idea because one of the persons in the relationship will feel like they are not pleasing the other person, so therefore they have to get someone else involved in the sexual activity. and a relationship is only for two people to please and love each other as a couple. Which means 2 and no more.
This is a very interesting post; I totally agree with the article, I don’t think doing a threesome in a relationship is ever a good idea. Being in a relationship means we are supposed to be commited to our partner, and that our partner should be our enough for us. I think that if a couple is interested in a threesome, it means that one or both of them are not satisfied with their realtionship and they want to do something to spark the realtionship again.
Having a threesome will usually cause jealousy and insecurity, which I think will lead to a loss in trust for your partner. I also think that when a couple is constantly having a threesome with a woman or a man, i think that there is a high chance that the man or the woman will be more likely to cheat because they might think that the person in the threesome gives them more sexual pleasure than their partner themselves and they might think that they will be better off with the third person.
I totally agree!!! and i do not think three somes could work, atleast with my own relationship i would never let it pass me! it would make me sick to let my own man look at another women and get pleasure from my man. i know people who have also tried it and it didnt work out as well. Whats the point of being married if your just going to share “yours” with others. When you get married your supposed to be committed to each other. Now if some people do enjoy things like this then thats their business, but like you said most times it doesn’t work! i know if i tried it i would constantly be thinking is she better then me? does my husband/boyfriend enjoy her more than he does me? it would eat me up to death! i give kudos to the couples who have made it, but to me it even sounds impossible!
I could really see this happening more with younger people than with the older ones. typically around 17-late 20’s. i cant even imagine couples any older trying to make such a thing like this work. Im curious to know what is the average age that have tried and havent made it?
I haven’t heard anything about the ages of when it works and when it doesn’t. I would assume that it would be easier if people weren’t in a relationship at all so that you don’t have to have all the worries. Just people who are into sex and who like to experiment.
Among my friends who have tried it it wasn’t the age that made the difference so much is the fact that the person whose marriage is still intact has an open marriage. That said, he said it was very difficult to get the open marriage thing started as his wife was very resistant. Given the level of her resistance I don’t know whether other marriages would make it through.
I also don’t know if they already had children when he brought it (open marriage) up and she was worried about divorcing with children.
But one commenter who is into open marriage was pissed off at my post. Sometimes they work if both members of the couple are equally into it, but that’s hard to do. Here’s a post on that topic:
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?
This is all very true as my fella wants to do it with his ex who he still loves he always says to me he loves me more but he still very happy that I agree to do it with his ex as his ex wants him back but im affraid to tell him the truth that I dont want it ruining out relationship up as I no I get jealous x
Maybe you should share this blog post with him so that he will know that it’s very common for threesomes to ruin people’s relationships. So does he care more about the threesome or about the relationship? It’s unlikely that anyone else will agree, either.
Very true ! there’s no way in hell a relationship will last with a threesome…i mean for heaven’s sake you fall in love with one person ! jeez get it straight !
This is good post! I love how the author compared having sex with the buffet. For the moment everyone is happy.There will be heartbreak in future. Sooner or later a man will want to devote himself to one girl or one of the girls will desire this. That is normal. One girl will be constantly being picked over the other or one person will be being incredibly jealous. Never have a threesome with two girls and a guy! There will always be one girl who feels left out and/or jealous, and it’s awkward afterward when that happens. I’ve personally never had a threesome, as it’s really not something I care to try.
This discussion is one that I am beginning to see more of. Whereas in the past a threesome may have been a closeted desire or considered less since internet porn was not around to arouse all sort of new thoughts, it comes down to the decision to act upon the desires. While there are some humans who prefer more than one partner at a time and have no issues with the emotional aspects they are not the majority. As a woman I know I very well may be bogged down with the jealousy and insecurities of having a threesome with my boyfriend and another woman, but does that mean that I am insecure or really I just don’t have the strong relationship with my boyfriend like I thought? If humans were in strong, open and secure relationships would it really be jealously the bogs the experimenting down? Throughout history, especially in Greek and European history, it was extremely common to have multiple partners at a time. I always wonder if this how are are supposed to act as humans and we simply develop our sexual desires based on what our culture tells us to desire.
I think its a dream for most man to have a threesome relationship at least once in a life time and they prefer to have two women involved. But, according to the article, I too, think that a relationship with two women involved won’t survive because women would constantly be worried about the other women that if she’s better, or he likes her better and etc. And I agree that pornography makes this fact look easy and real, however, in real life it’s just not that easy. I talked to a couple guys about this and they seemed really into but they had their pros and cons: pros: it’s like a dream and every guy wants to experience that pleasure. Cons: they want to stay pure; somehow they can’t leave with the bad feelings they would have after all.
It’s interesting to read that only about 10% of women actually want threesomes and it’s no surprise why. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and sharing my boyfriend with a stranger yet alone someone I know. Jealousy would play a big reason. If I’m committed in a relationship then I expect him to only have the desire to want me. Yet for others it can be very possible to keep the relationship in spark after a threesome. Just as long as both partners completely agree, discussed and understand the situation they are getting in to. As far as being single I think it would still be just plain uncomfortable for a lot of women unless she had some sort of connection with the two others in my opinion. Overall if a threesome where to happen it should happen naturally and not over thought. If you’re in a relationship and going back and forth whether a threesome should go down then just let it go and instead enjoy the company of each other.
All of this is a massive overgeneralization.
Massive overgeneralization how? Which of the following? Or something else?
All but one relationship broke up among a therapist’s clients
More often than not threesomes haven’t worked among my friends or the friends of others
Surveys show that about 3/4 of men, but only about 10% of women want threesomes
If only 10% of women are interested how likely is it that 75% of men are going to have a pleasurable threesome?
They aren’t. And I’d like them to stop feeling bad about not getting something that hardly any men are getting. I’d also like them to know why instead of pressuring partners who, if they aren’t into it, are likely to be distracted in the ways I described. I’d also like disinterested women to know that they aren’t alone and shouldn’t feel pressured by men to do something they find distasteful.
Because of the way males and females are socialized so differently you get average differences which, as here, can be large. Doesn’t mean those differences are innate, or as I said, fit everyone. But if you don’t like the social pattern, don’t shoot the messenger.
Can relationships survive threesomes
Absolutley not!!! I think that a relationship is only for 2 people and 2people only,why bring another person into somehting that is suppossed to be special between two people. One will always have to be wondering why am i not good enough? Is he not attracted to me anymore? Thsi willl breing a thusand questions into mind and will definatley cause problems in a relationship and it will for sure end. Now if your single thats a totally different story ,both men and women want to have fun and do threesomes when single thats completely fine at least this way no one gets hurt they know what they are getting into and its merey just for fun,nothing serious.
I personally think it would be difficult to divide your attention and support like that. Plus, I agree that there will definitely be some sort of internal competition. Such competition might include who is sexier, who gets more attention, or even who is allowed control. Plus I believe it would be difficult if your already in a relationship with one of the members and then you have to divide you attention. It might ultimately be fun as just an experiment, otherwise it would take great dedication to maintain.
I was interested to learn that all but one of the marriage therapists patients broke up after engaging in a threesome. However, the fact that theses relationships have a low success rate after partaking in a threesome does not surprise me. My opinion is that I do believe a threesome could work if both participants have the same expectations and feelings towards threesomes. I completely agree with the fact that since men tend to be more interested in threesomes and women may be engaging in them to either please their partner or because of pressure from their partner that this could cause relationship failure. Men tend to view sex as a fun and pleasurable experience, whereas women are looking for an emotional connection. Since women and men have different sexual needs, I can see this being another contributing factor to marriage and relationship failure. Although I do believe that in certain situations a relationship can survive after a threesome, I find that it is more common for relationships to fail if both the man and the woman do not have the same feelings towards having a threesome.
This seems logical. Since we have been raised in a world where woman are suppose to be sexy and more of objects to desire rather than men. We can’t really blame a man whom the world has taught that these ideas are acceptable. And although I find it hard to believe all men in relationships think this way I’m sure they have at least pondered the possibility. Threesomes to me don’t make sense. I feel the article was 1000% correct to the reasons of why a woman would agree to do so. The thought of another womans body in general subconsciously leads me to comparison although I’m not necessarily bothered by it I can under why some people would be. If we lived in a world where all woman had tons of self confidence and loved their bodies I think that would have a huge difference. Even though I have yet to come across a woman in a long term relationship willing to share her mate. Also the thought of why one woman wouldn’t be good and your loved one would consider two is just kind of sad all together. But maybe In a world where we treasure individual people rather than skinny models or actresses will one day change. Threesomes to me are silly and the article clearly states that relationships do not survive it. Therefore why risk the person you love for an unsuccessful night, nothing is as it seems in pornos. Woman should be respected and not pressured to do these things that wouldn’t even sexually satisfy them.
It is a very inspiring post since I had no idea that almost all of the men want to have a threesome when they are in a relationship. As a female, I see sex as one of the expressions of how much I love my lover. Since we should be loyal to each other when we are in a relationship, we should only have one lover, and so as having sex. I think it is one of the important things in a relationship because it shows our respect to our lover. On the other hand, I agree that women do not feel secure when having a threesome, because we may doubt the loyalty of our lover and may not feel confident when compare to the other woman. Also, it may feels like a betrayal because we see how our boyfriend enjoys having sex with other woman on the same bed. Therefore, as I mentioned, having sex with our lover is one kind of the expression of our love, a relationship cannot survive a threesome.
I agree that if you have a three some the woman will be more worried about how attractive the other girl is and if her guy likes her more and afterwards will be thinking about the stranger than her. I think it can mess up a relationship because then all a girl will wonder is if he is thinking about someone else. I know i’d like two guys as a three some but i’ve tried fantasizing and i can’t help thinking about my boyfriend more and worried that he’ll think i like the other guy more and it just never works out because of my need to make sure he’s satisfied and feeling like i’m cheating on him when i doubt a threesome with another girl he’ll feel the same way. A guy will enjoy it and then won’t get enough of it and want it again and if his partner doesn’t want to then what’s to stop him from cheating on her? Like mentioned before it is like a buffet and boys have the deadly sin, gluttony while girls have vanity and will be jealous of the third person.
I definitely do not think that a relationship can last with a threesome because some might say that you are opening another door a door in which your mate can soon take a liking to as if you brought another female in the room and maybe you thought she was prettier than you or smarter than you. Maybe your insecure and this will be brought up as an issue. For some relationships a threesome would be awesome but if would have to be something you truly want or need to have in your relationship. I myself would probably give it a try but its something my partner hasn’t asked from me and i have yet to ask of it from him.
I agree that men do have these dreams of having threesomes with two girls it is also becoming more accepted within media many reality shows you see this happening such as jersey show on MTV the guys are always so excited and proud when they are able to get two girls in bed. Making it seem like an amazing moment and making teen boys want the same thing. As for a relationship I can see why it wouldn’t work girls get very self conscious of themselves and jealous if a wife felt like the other lady was getting more attention the wife wouldn’t be happy specially if she only agreed to it to satisfy her husband. I guess for some couples it works because it brings a twist to their sex life but what are the effects on their sex life after that? What happens if it turns boring do they constantly need to keep going back to the threesomes?
the thought of a three some at one point of course on all guy minds, from the day i remember for some reason..why?! i dont know, but was always taught to be a thing to “brag” about., i would always ask why would that be something to be proud of. I believe all of this goes more towards LOW self discilne and immediate satisfaction. thats what we are taught why question it??
Now regarding to wether the relationship would work or not after the threesome, i think not were is the confortability in that and not mentioning the trust issue after that.
I believe that most men who want to have threesomes do it just because they might think that “it is the thing to do”. Men want to feel powerfull and on top by saying o yeah ive had a threesome or a couple of them. I also do not think that you can have a healthy relationship with both persons being happy, I believe that most women enjoy the fact of knowing that there is only one person they want to be with and that their partner does too instead of thinking of who else they can get a threesome with. Personally I would not like to share my boyfriend specially not to a “friend”, because a “friend” that does that or wants to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend to me thats NOT a friend maybe they are just being your “friendship” for a reason.
Yeah, the last sentence really resonates with me when it comes to how i feel about threesomes. I don’t think it’s something that should be taken lightly because there can be enough issues between the two in the relationship when it comes to the bedroom. If a woman isn’t enjoying the sex as much as her male partner, I don’t see how adding another women will make it any better for the relationship. If anything, it would make it worse because, like you’ve said, she might be too caught up in worrying about this other woman and how her boyfriend/husband/whatever might feel about the whole thing. I think for a threesome to work, both parties would have to express interest in it. If a woman is agreeing to it just to please her partner, it doesn’t sound like it would be a good experience. If both are open, however, I think it would only enhance their relationship with one another if this is something that they’re both into. Personally, I don’t think I could ever have one if I was in a relationship, but if the couple are both interested in it and can equally enjoy the experience, more power to them!
I doubt that I could ever share my husband with another women, nor would he feel comfortable sharing me with another man. It may work for someone that does not have that emotional attachment or love for the one person. I have known a few married couples that have tried a threesomes and in both cases their marriages failed. They found it hard to seperate the emotional outcome from the sexual encounter.
If my husband mentioned us having a threesome I would have to question his love for me, as I love my husband enough not to want to share him sexually with anyone else. It’s one thing to see a threesome (fantasize) than to be a participant where there could be alot of emotions going on with in the encounter.
Personally in my eyes, i don’t believe in sharing my boyfriend. I don’t think that its okay for a good relationship to work out with another person on the side. Threesome in a relationship is very hard im sure. Sometimes one person has more feelings for someone else, and all those feelings build up and somehow it can ruin a good relationship between all of them. There really isnt a right or wrong answer to this question, it’s really upon the people who believe that this type of realtionship can work.
After reading this post, I can’t help but think about my experience with having a threesome. When I was younger, I was all into it. My Boyfriend always requested that we had one. When I finally decided to do it, I looked at complete strangers or just people I knew but weren’t friends with. When we finally got to his house, he was so excited that two women were in his bedroom. In the end, it did not end well for him because he just couldn’t perform when both of us went to him. We ended up breaking up because he thought I was a lesbian or bi for liking it too much.
After that situation, I no longer care for threesomes. Especially in my current relationship. If I was single or in an open relationship, I might consider it again. For my own person opinion, you have to both respect each other, and have an understanding that this is what both people want. A couple must know their limits and perhaps even have some rules to how they want to go about in a threesome.
I can only speak from my own person opinion on this. There is no right or wrong answer. A lot of men might like the idea of having a threesome but then again they only see it in porn. They idolize that woman in porn, when in reality most woman are not like that.
Thank you for your words and posting your own experience… was really helpful 🙂 I’m not in the same situation, but I liked the way you talk about it. The guy was the only one with the childish behaviour!
I guess sometimes there are some fantasies that should remain in fantasy because ( i speak for myself) some people are too sensitive to survive emocionally at these kind of experiences. I think I will never ask for it because of this… I know I will depress or even worse: break up.
I totally appreciate your perspective. I am a woman who is bisexual and I think I mentioned my 3some did not go well. I would love to be the single woman in that escapade… But I’m not! And I might even be too nervous about offending either one of a couple, or accidentally breaking their rules, unless it was way obvious that they really didn’t have ANY issues! I am a naturally monogamous lover. I say I “really want” but that’s because I’ve fantasized about it since I was 10. Even the fantasy doesn’t occur to me on the same frequency as it does when I’m single. I really think my s.o. is the same way, but he would like to think since we have the same fantasy we can share it. Rarely do you see either of us checking another out. We have the love/hate thing between us too… I KNOW that what sounds great today often goes horribly wrong tomorrow- just because we can be totally unified one minute & polar opposites the next. We’re still learning how to navigate. I just don’t feel like it would be safe to leave the harbor yet… Stick with the dirty talk during sex and rolling out the porn together til the “hate” mellows into at least a sturdy tolerance lol
Also I feel like I need to say that paying a hot escort to play it out sounded great to me, but as a guy who’s never “had to pay for sex” – even any of his Other threesomes- his ego was bruised. It just seems like if we don’t want to have all the feelings involved, and someone to play by the rules, that would be the way to go. Any thoughts on that?
I’m happily married, my husband and I are talking about a three some. It arouses us both to bring another female in. Am I wrong, will this affect our marriage? Please give advice how to make this work without destroying my marriage.
My husband and I had a threesome with a lesbian prior to getting married. I was left out of it after he started having sex with her. Let’s just say it didn’t last the long after that. Make sure everyone knows that it’s not about one or the other but each other. Also make sure that after it happens he doesn’t venture off by looking at Craigslist personal ads behind your back. It was our decision to have a threesome but if I could go back I wouldn’t of done it.
Its not unusual for women to want to experience another woman. My friend(the husband) says that his wife loves the threesomes they have with her friend. He sometimes is left completely out of the action while they do everything. She has admitted that she is Bi and needs another woman. He is OK with them just getting a room for the weekend.
True, some women are interested. They just seem to be out numbered by the men who are interested. Sounds like it’s working for the folks you are talking about.
I don’t think a relationship would last after a threesome because it will just cause mistrust and bring something back. For example, the girlfriend allows a threesome but later on wants to have sex with another man because she let this happen before and its only fair she might want to experience another man then.. it can just build mistrust in the long run. Also society has created different beliefs between women and men. It would cause the man to have popularity because he had two women at once yet, if a girl has two men at once or even a women and a men at once they say she is a slut or even that she is bisexual and some people take that the wrong way and judge.
Your summary at the end said it all. It’s so right on. If you want this, “pay two women to act”. Thanks for another well thought post.
Honestly Threesomes are awesome if your single but in a relationship that fun boat has already sailed. Few people are mature enough to just have fun and not let their ego and insecurities rise to the top when dealing with extra people inside the relationship.
I don’t think it’s about maturity. Seems more mature to be into love and connection than into body parts/seeing your partner as a sex object/sex stimulus thing, which is how threesomes typically work. And if women can only get into sex if there’s emotional connection (as is true for many women, if not most) maturity has nothing to do with it.
Men as a whole intertwine love/physical. Everything has a physical portion to men. Love, hate pride everything. There is a reason we like ribbons, ranks, stanley cups etc over just being told we are the best. Our minds are geared to more. Sadly most of it is in pursuit of females.
Watch a guy who is in love talk about there loved ones to others they will mention physical traits and accomplishments over anything else. (Look at the muscles on my Son. He is the top pitcher.) (Look at my wife, Just a beautiful as X) (I earn these rewards for doing X)
Women will understand that but will they care? No. Regardless if your married you should stick to the women you have and never ask for a threesome because just asking will destroy your relationship, Don’t mention it is an interest or that you’ve even do it. For a successful relationship you have to repress everything masculine unless its something beneficial for your wife.
Short Version : Do it if your single because you wife will never accept it under any normal condition and if she does she will use it against you till the day you die.
But it’s not exactly repression because it’s a new fixation that men have learned from watching porn. Which is great for porn ($$$). Create a desire that women don’t enjoy to keep men coming back to the only place where they can get that fantasy.
Is threesome considered cheating if your doing it with your wife or your girlfriend and the third person is a guy whom she likes?
No.
Good post. I think it all depends on the rules laid out form the beginning. If you enter into a strictly monogamous relationship it may be hard for it to survive a threesome as it directly conflicts with the original ideas and agreements set out in the beginning.
If however a couple of kinksters get together with the agreement that involving other people, sexually and emotionally, is part of the deal then there’s a much higher chance of engaging in threesomes with another guy or girls, and things remaining cool and fun.
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with the act itself, nor do I think it’s necessarily “just about the sex”, people have been doing it with different degrees of success for a long time. Like with anything it’s all about communication, negotiation and honesty. If someone needs to be pressured it’s definitely not a good idea.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Rohan.
Sure. The guy I know whose marriage survived a threesome is into open relationships. But in our culture that can be difficult to do when so many distractions I named distract from the emotional connection that so many women need to enjoy sex.
Because men and women in our culture (but not every culture) tend to be different from each other in this way, sexually, men can end up getting frustrated when they can’t live out their fantasies. And women can get frustrated when men expect them to do things they don’t want to do. I’m hoping this post will help men and women in the Western world to have better understanding of each other.
If women and men were socialized similarly we wouldn’t have these big disconnects.
Yeah exactly, It’s all about learning how each other work, and how we reach our highest levels of arousal in different ways 🙂
There are exceptions of course, but for the most part it does seem to be the case.
I think if men and women talked to each other more about this kind of thing they’d get to understand each other better, leading to less frustration on both sides 🙂
Rohan.