Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
I’m in a relationship with a long-term partner who wants a threesome — he says it would just be fun and wouldn’t mean anything. I laughed it off and said I wasn’t into it because I’m a monogamous person.
But we went camping and all I heard about were the hot bodies around us — and joking about getting into someone else’s pants while I’m at work, just to see if fantasy lives up to reality.
I don’t know what to do. Honestly, I’ve never found anyone else attractive. Plus, the true love bit [insert violin music here].
I’m getting worried that he doesn’t love me anymore and wants something better. This worries me because although I may not be the one for him he is definitely the one for me… Its like my soul loves him as much as my heart does.
I don’t know what to do.
People occasionally write to me for help on some relationship issue that creates pain. Like this (edited) comment from “Drew.”
I don’t really know these people or their partners, but Bell Hooks wrote something called, “Romance: Sweet Love,” that might help.
She asks a number of questions, like these:
1) Can you choose love? Or must love control you?
2) Think about the difference between relationships marked by:
- Pleasure + Wound
- Pleasure + Love
When we fall in love it can feel like we have no choice. We’ve fallen. We can’t help that.
But really, we do have choices.
We needn’t stay stuck in relationships that wound us. We needn’t stay inside of mis-matched matches.
And ask yourself these questions:
Does your lover cause you pain? Hold you to a double standard? Love you?
These may be difficult questions to answer.
If your partner doesn’t love you, don’t take it personally. Some people simply aren’t in a place where they are capable of love.
And pain — whether physical or emotional — is trying to tell you that something is wrong, that something needs to change.
Maybe you haven’t met someone who is a good match and healthy for you yet, and maybe it’s hard to imagine that happening. But if you are with someone who is causing you pain, it makes a lot of sense to see what else is out there, meet other people, and explore.
While you’re out exploring, it helps to love yourself. And that might take inner work.
But remember, it is possible to find eroticism plus love, and minus the wound.
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Posted on April 13, 2015, in psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality and tagged bell hooks, painful relationships, psychology, relationships, Romance: Sweet Love, sex, sexuality. Bookmark the permalink. 49 Comments.