Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not.

imagesBy Bluebird

Threesomes can be fun. I’ve indulged, myself.

But don’t do it out of pressure.

And even if everyone’s game, it works for some, but not for all.

And if it’s not a lifestyle choice, three seconds of pleasure and the ability to say, “Yeah, been there done that!” can be a slippery slope to something that’s, well, not so great.

On the one hand, being the lover to make a fantasy a reality can strengthen an already amazing relationship.

Did you get that last part? “An already amazing relationship.”

It won’t prove your love or fix a broken partnership.

And there are pitfalls like cheating or — surprisingly — the one who proposed it may not like it as much as the other two.

You can plan every detail yet not anticipate how the 2nd or 3rd person — or how even you, yourself — might feel or behave while doing the deed.

I’ll tell you my story.

I am a 31-year-old bisexual woman who was a model, a soldier, and now a teacher. I have my insecurities: one breast is 2 cup sizes larger than the other. And I’ve done threesomes in long term relationships. Sometimes it was my idea. Sometimes it was my partner’s.

In a four-way with my first boyfriend the women had no rules, but the men could only penetrate their partner. And everyone had a jolly, good time.

Since it worked I let him play when I left for active deployment. He could see anyone who wasn’t a friend and who knew it was just about sex. But he couldn’t follow the rules and kept playing — without me — when I came home. I didn’t want an open relationship so I left. He regrets it to this day.

My 2nd boyfriend was loving and innocent but worried he couldn’t please me (doctor botched his circumcision at birth). He suggested we invite another guy. I was completely satisfied by him and declined for quite a while.

We eventually found a man to join us but it didn’t go well because he was too rough. At my signal by boyfriend called it off. Afterwards, he felt bad about subjecting me to that and didn’t talk to me for a week out of guilt.

I suggested we try again with a female, but he only agreed because I was bi. That went very well because I trusted my man and never felt threatened by the woman.

We tried a MFM 3way again and it worked better because now my man knew how he wanted it to go. I wanted to please him, and it did strengthen our relationship.

He eventually realized that I only wanted and needed him. The relationship ended only because his family arranged a marriage for him. Yeah, I know. Sigh.

I didn’t even entertain the notion with my next boyfriend because of his addictive personality.

imagesMy current partner asked for a 3way before he knew about my bisexuality, or that I have done it before.

I’ve found a woman I’m comfortable with and we’ve discussed our “rules.” I’m not worried about jealousy — she has a husband (open relationship).

But we haven’t done it yet because I’m not sure the relationship is ready. In the past, it had been 2-3 years in. We’re talking and weighing the repercussions. When I am ready, it’ll be on like donkey kong! Until then, he’s patient and understanding.

Advice based on my experiences:

If you want to try a threesome, there must be a great level of trust and security on all sides. Do not feel pressured into sharing your body in any way that you don’t want to. And the relationship must be healthy and ready for this. In fact, while I have enjoyed 3-ways in the past, and look forward to more in the future, here is something I wrote to one lover when I didn’t feel the relationship was ready:

I don’t think I’m interested in doing this anymore. You don’t seem to understand the gravity of what we’d be experiencing. I know you’ve never done this before but you aren’t oblivious to how it could — and already has — affected us. I asked you to google rules and situations and you said you had. Yet you hadn’t. We aren’t just meeting her for coffee and then going about our day. We are going to fuck another person. As much as this is mostly play, its wrapped in emotions that can’t be avoided. Could you picture sharing me and just taking it all lightly, like “no biggie”? We’re adding something so intimate to the mix when there are basic things that we’ve still yet to experience together. It’s hard for me to picture you making me feel special after it if you haven’t been doing it before.

Communication is crucial, from beginning to end. Prepare together (go lingerie shopping). Set guidelines and safe words. Is kissing allowed? Eye contact? Your favorite position? Can they use the technique that makes you scream in ecstasy on the other person?

Please don’t be afraid to end it right then and there if you feel violated. This allows you to nip naughty behavior in the bud and to keep you from regretting saying yes. If they love you they will respect your choice.

Afterwards, do something special as a couple to reaffirm your relationship and commitment to each other.

If your partner’s love is hinged on having a 3way, then it’s a love you can do without. Don’t do it to save the relationship! They will leave you in the end if that is what they want to do. Then you’re left feeling all types of yucky.

You both have to want it equally. Don’t Do It For Your Partner! (Unless you are the type who is happy as long as your partner is happy). Do it because you feel comfortable and wish to explore and expand with a partner you trust.

A woman calling herself Bluebird made a comment on my blog that I thought might be helpful for others to read. She agreed to let me edit and post it, with her author-approval.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs
Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?
Cartoonish vs Authentic Sexuality
Wanting “X” from Sex, but Doing “Y”

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on October 14, 2013, in psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 109 Comments.

  1. Fascinating post, for one, pushing for a more sex-positive society can have ramifications if sexual acts are only considered form one point of view. While there are aspects of sexuality that are private, there are ways to discuss sexual practices without judgment. If various sexual acts, such as multiple partners become commonplace for men and not for women, there becomes askew in the notions about pleasure itself. For example, BDSM has come to light again in sexual culture, especially porn, and in San Francisco, one of the largest BDSM companies, KINK, resides in the largest building in the city. It is a business. However, women are more often then not portrayed out of submissiveness– the culture if BDSM has a power component that is difficult to control in a way that promotes equality in sexuality. While many women also enjoy BDSM, there has been a level of male domination that I have seen in the culture, and men today, now think that women like to be dominated during sex– which is not always the case. What lacks in our society is the open communication about such sexual practices, and how both men and women feel about sexuality. Moods change, so do relationships. Passion is personal, but I believe it translates to a societal level as well. We internalize what we see, what we view as “pleasure,” and how we handle our relationships. Communication, as mentioned in the original posting, is a necessary component in any relationship– regardless if it is one of love, sexual pleasure, or even friendships. Equal consideration in relationships regarding communication also heightens levels of self-confidence in both men and women, more likely to explore themselves without feelings of guilt, betrayal, or worthlessness. Trust and comfort are also an aspect of sexual exploration, if one feels confident in their relationship, they are less likely to feel pressured into “pleasing” their partners. Feeling that love means to make a sacrifice, it does but not at the expense of one’s personhood or self-esteem. Threesomes can be a beautiful and exciting way to explore members of the opposite sex and indulge in fantasies, but there are ways of going about such practices, and open communication is one way that ensures agency for all parties involved.

  2. This is an interesting topic which has crossed my mind many times. It all depends on the person I have many guy friends that dream of having a threesome. Personally, it is not my cup of tea only because I enjoy being intimate with my sexual partner. It would be difficult for me to provide the same amount of pleasure to both girls and I feel like a person is always left on the sidelines. The topic is controversial which is why I enjoy this blog because many girls I talk to about threesomes are always opposed to the idea, but as seen in the article it could be something a couple needs and might possibly strengthen a relationship.

  3. This is a very interesting blog post which is relevant to my life. Me and my partner have thought about having a threesome but she couldn’t get the affirmation in herself to actually go through with it (which I don’t blame her for). The terms were that it had to be someone random and not a friend. We were at a bar/club and she told me to go up to this girl and flirt with her and see how the conversation goes. I did and she got a little jealous after a bit so she called it off. Our relationship isn’t the best but it also isn’t the worst but a lot of trust on both sides of the relationship must be solid for this to be able to happen. We even used to tinder to find other women interested in joining for a FMF but it wasn’t that successful. Bottom line is that I agree that this is can be a positive thing for a relationship but also could break a relationship. This is a very difficult thing to pull off and even sustain because for some people feelings are everything and others are strictly about “business” or a “casual encounter”. I am hoping one day that me and my partner would be able to trust each other or have a stronger desire to explore this and expand our relationship.

  4. My boyfriend and I have discussed threesomes a lot. I happen to be slightly more sexually experienced than he and he’s been in more stable, long term relationships than I have, so sexually I usually take the lead in what we should try and whatnot. After a couple of years we’ve achieved a very high level of trust between us and we’ve both considered adding another person to the mix since it’s something of a sexual fantasy for both of us. Of course, when discussing options my boyfriend insists that it’d have to be a FMF pairing and I’ve usually agreed. I do not consider myself bisexual but have always acknowledged that I find women’s bodies attractive, however it wasn’t until recently that I’ve wondered if my passive inclination toward a FMF pairing has more to do with an internalization of the patriarchal perception of women as “the sexy ones” rather than my actually wanting to be with another woman. For example, whenever I’d think of a FMF pairing my immediate reaction was that it was hot and sexy, but recently I’ve noticed that my body doesn’t respond in the same way. My mind immediately jumps to the conclusion that kissing another girl in lingerie would be sexy but it feels foreign to me; in other words, my mind and body are telling me two completely different things. Although this has been a recently development of my psyche, I’ve come to the conclusion that often we try to rationalize what our body is telling us so as to fit with the “norm” or “standard”, something that for women can be disconcerting in a patriarchal society. So all in all, I’ve learned that listening to my body and paying attention to its raw reactions is of utmost importance, for while the mind may not know what it wants, the body is harder to deceive.

  5. This is an interesting take on what threesomes are really about and comes from someone with strong knowledge and experience on the topic. I know that threesomes are not for everybody and most probably find it as cheating. I’m not going to lie it has always been something I wanted to try at least once in my life. But only if both parties are completely comfortable with it, it definitely isn’t something you should push because you may seem uninterested in your partner anymore. I like how this article is so open to the topic because most people shut it down and think negatively about threesomes but it’s just something different and could potentially strengthen a relationship as said in this article.

  6. I love this article!! but in my honest opinion, I cannot do threesomes at all, not because there is anything bad with it, its just I am afraid in general. I’ve heard so many stories about threesomes going sideways and I didn’t want that to ever happen to me, especially when people close to me ruined their relationships “just for fun.” Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% sure it feels amazing, but in this case I would say no to threesomes.

  7. I really appreciate the perspective this author offers. As a bisexual (cis) woman myself, I’ve had a fair share of partners (in particular, straight, cis-male partners) who have asked if we could add another cis-female to the pair upon discovering my sexuality. I generally respond with a laugh, agreeing that if they can find someone who we both get along with I would gladly consider it. This isn’t exactly my feeling on the situation though–in reality I’m pretty intimidated by threesomes– but I say this because I’ve yet to be with a partner who has been able to find another (cis) girl who would be interested in joining us.

    I’ve never really been able to pinpoint why I am hesitant about participating in a FMF three way; I’m incredibly attracted to women, and I’m a sexually person with her own fair share of experimentation, and I think Bluebird has helped me better understand why I’m cautious. While I have only been in one officially committed relationship, when I am engaging in casual sex with someone I will generally stop seeking sex from other parties, even though the relationship is not exclusive. I think, although I may not admit it to myself, I would become incredibly jealous if the other two parties were enjoying themselves more than I was, and it could ruin not only my sexual relationship with my partner, but my platonic relationship as well. Thank you, Bluebird, for reminding me how important communication is.

  8. Hi I’ve been with my partner for 3 months. Between us we have 3 kids. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I really want to exprience a MFF with my partner. We have discussed rules ie no he is only to penetrate me and assist me in having fun with her etc… do you think it is best to wait a few years? I’ve never been with a women before and I really want this but I can be jealous… but I also feel he is my life partner… please help..

  9. thefinishingtouch2012

    I’m so glad I saw this post! I have a new man in my life and we’re crazy in love! I opened up to him about my fantasies and one is a FMF 3way (Yes, I’m a woman). He was very open that he’d done this before and that we needed ground rules before moving forward, so I’ve been researching this A LOT! Most posts say we’ll split up but I feel like those women weren’t looking to participate, I want to. He’s been very addiment that we can stop at anytime before or during if I get uncomfortable because he doesn’t want to freak me out and lose me. We agreed no penetration and I suggested a bicurious lesbian he’s known for years. Is this crazy foolish of me?! What am I missing or forgetting to take into account?

    • “Most posts say we’ll split up but I feel like those women weren’t looking to participate, I want to.”

      That’s the key.

      Bluebird doesn’t keep up with responses for this post. I hope her guidelines will be helpful.

  10. Although I am only the ripe age of 18, I have thought a lot about experiencing a threesome. One man, two girls. I have labeled myself as bisexual, but have not had sex with a woman yet. But I am attracted to women and would pursue a romantic relationship. Threesomes are essentially something that will either make or break a relationship, like Bluebird said. If you and your partner is solid, then get it on!!! But if you’re in a rocky one, then you might want to hold off on it. In my eyes a threesome is just adding spice to your already spicy sex life with your partner. It does have backlash though. It raises questions like, “Did you enjoy the sex more with him/her, than me?” or “Do you want to leave me for him/her?” It can get messy really fast. I just hope that one day I can enjoy it with a partner that I’m in love with and can handle a threesome in our relationship.

  11. Hi guys. just need some advice. my husband keeps asking me for a threesome since 2 years now.. I just told him that he must wait until the time that I will be ready. but he never listen that instead causes of trouble everytime he began that topic. I have a willingness on my mind but behind I am afraid because what if he will find out that the other girl is more better performer than me? if I will agree..then there will be a possibility that he will do without my presence even though he promise that he will not cheat me. I am not really sure if he he truly lovea me because until now we are not yet married just a Pacs in France seems an agreement not a genuine marriage. I really love him but How I can do? Should I will let him do alone? or will agree having a threesome together?

  12. When my boyfriend and I got together things were great. Somewhere in the last year we haven’t had sex except a handful of times (I want sex all of the time).
    He wants to have a three some now. This has killed myself esteem as a woman. Had he asked me in the beginning I would have loved to share him because I want every woman to experience the great orgasms that I was having. But now that I am not being taken care of sexually it makes me feel that I am not good enough.
    But out of fear I agreed to it.
    However this article has made me change my mind and write this letter to my live in boyfriend.

    While I know I agreed to a three some, I want you to know that I only agreed to it out of fear of losing you.
    To me it wouldn’t be a big deal if I was satisfied, if our relationship was amazing and if you hadn’t already discussed your not being happy with me or only me.
    But considering all of the things that is wrong, I am afraid I am going to have to back out of it.
    If you want to work on us and being amazing again I would be all for a three some. But if you you insist on dirty messaging with other females, seeing other females or wanting a three some without working on us first, then I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to move.
    I want us to be amazing and explore with you all of your fantasies and sexual desires but we have to be ok.
    My real fear is that I would do all of this out of fear of losing you and end up losing you anyway. Then I would be left with the big regret of doing it for the wrong reason.
    I want to be able to do it for my love for you and not fear of losing you.
    I have always told you that in love there is no buts, so if you can tell me you love me and say but I need sexual release outside of our relationship or but I need a three some or but I need sexual stimulation from dirty talk with other women then I am afraid you don’t love me.
    Love would be seeing to it that I am satisfied and making me feel that I am enough for you in all aspects of your life. That way when a three some happened, I wouldn’t feel inadequate, I wouldn’t feel the fear of losing you, I wouldn’t feel jealousy.

    I love you with my whole heart and I love you enough to let you go if that is what you want. And I love me enough not to compromise my integrity out of fear of losing someone that would put me in such an situation that makes me think less of myself than I should.

  13. I believe some relationships can survive after a three some but it always depends who that person is. having a three some while in a relationships might make things more complicated or might even bring in a spark in the relationship. for people that are outgoing and free willing will love this idea but I believe that threesums are more want a man wants not want a girls wants. Usually guys are the ones that have that fanisty due to porn but they never really think about what women might think or feel for them it’s a cool thing to have sex with to women but most women feel uncomforted afterwards because they feel the men might want to now have sex with not on her but with the other person to and then that’s when all the problems starts. My personal experience is that my boyfriend suggested if we wanted to have a threesum but I will have to choose the person which was hard a first but then I started thinking what if this ruins our relationship because you never know but long story short I told him for him to choose the person instead and he did but at the end of the day he actually told me it was a fanisty of his like most guys but told me it would make everything weird after the threesum so we ended up not even talking about that again. but a three sum would interesting to experience

  14. I believe threesomes can work out, either if you 100% have trust with your partner, or are just single and really ready to mingle. Personally, I’m not sure if I would have a threesome, only because I am head over heels with my boyfriend now, and I would probably be really jealous or upset about it. But, I have herd that it does help to spice up a relationship sexually, not sure about the real relationship. Of course men, maybe even more women, fantasize about having a threesome, or even just seeing one in person, only because there is so much porn on the internet, or even in movies, it makes you feel like it is only normal to do it. I understand were it can be a fantasy, but there is no reason to put pressure on someone. I would feel as I am not even satisfying my partner at all. Being single, I understand, go crazy, enjoy new experiences. But in a relationship, it is something as a couple, you would both have to agree with.

  15. The idea of a threesome has always been a fantasy of mine. And I think it may just remain that way. As a bisexual woman, it sounds wonderful in theory to have another woman and a man, or even just two men. In practice however, I know I am a very monogamous person. I would not like to see the man I’m dating receiving pleasure from another woman, and I also wouldn’t want to make a boyfriend uncomfortable by having another man join us. Overall, I think the presence of a third person would cause discomfort and distraction for myself.
    On another note, most of the men I’ve dated have instantly leapt to proposing a threesome once I reveal I am bisexual. And frankly, it’s a bit cliché and insulting! Bisexuality needs to stop being considered a synonym of promiscuity to men. Women I have dated have never suggested threesomes.
    Maybe with age I will become emotionally mature enough to engage in a threesome, but for now, I’ll stay with one on one contact!

  16. For me, a threesome is something I do not get the appeal of, and also something I might never try. I have seen one of my friend pressuring his girlfriend to agree on a threesome for his birthday. The girl rejected and no longer than two months they broke up. When I asked the guy why is three-some so important to him he simply told me that it is the fantasy of every man. Then I asked two other guy friends of mine and both they agreed but they also added that the condition has to be the third person must be a girl. Associating this phycology with feminism, I can see guys’ intentions to control two women at the same time, they want to be powerful. Instead of having another male figure who may threaten them, most guys prefer feeling the only king himself.

  17. I am personally not interested in threesomes because i am a jealous type of person and commitment between partners is a key point in a relationship for me. So it is not really fun for me, threesomes because I don’t like sharing my partner with somebody else. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t say either that other people in a relationship who do threesomes aren’t committed or don’t love each other. I think it is a matter of culture. For example Europeans and westerns are more open about sex than we are us, Africans. I couldn’t sit there and watch my husband make love to another woman. It will destroy me with jealousy and anger instead of enjoying ( as some people would enjoy).

  18. Neha Nandini

    “Afterwards, do something special as a couple to reaffirm your relationship and commitment to each other” That quote stuck out to me the most because why is it that after having sex with someone else, and having a mutual understanding is there a need to “reaffirm” your commitment with your partner after. The bond should be strengthen if you engage in a threesome…Isn’t that the point? You’re allowing your commitment to expand, and the trust with one another. I just felt as if that statement contradicted the whole argument. However, one can always argue and say otherwise.

  19. I have had one 3 way when I wasn’t in a relationship and it left me feeling gross because of the circumstances it was under and that is another story completely. The relationship I am in now I know for a fact that it wouldn’t work, we would rather break up then have a 3 way. I have asked her if she would be down to sort of test her and she said hell no she would not be down and I was honestly relieved because like Bluebird I don’t believe that a relationship hinged on having a threesome is apt he right relationship for me. It just wouldn’t work out, that is not my sex ideal. However, am I down for a threesome with some one who is like my girlfriend? Absolutely. I just wouldn’t be down for a threesome with another feminine girl becasue I am too insecure probably.

  20. Hello – thank you for sharing. I have read your post and grateful for finding the blog. Im 26, my girlfriend is 46, we met 3 years ago, we have a healthy relationship. lots of good stuff, not just good sex she has amazing features, always been an old soul type chill low key but growing on my own terms whats the rush kind of mentality, she is high energy and energetic big hearted and we are both kinky, slowly we have been growing more and more sexually with each other, learning how to please each other more and more and its great! So as from what I noticed as people grow – independent from the relationship, the relationship evolves and revolves around love kindness respect and consideration. i haven’t said i love you to her yet. she knows i really value those words and i wont say it unless its meant – how i roll i need to setup the moment and make it memorable, i do love her very much, shes made my heart and soul really grateful, “the man is only as great as the…” its so true. she respects me(understands me quite like no other, deep people feel me) so its taken alot of learning to see this relationship is very healthy. We have had our moments but we resolve timely and always without hiding any emotions we are honest but once we resolve we move on becoming even better than before. I am with her still mostly because her heart is one of a kind, very dependable and prides her self off going the extra mile for the ones she loves and staying healthy! She has great skin and sexually (thank you for reading i hope u read back story ~~~) – she is a fantasy come true sexually, former credentials excite me, hips, buttt, thick but very proper preportioned and super flexible! loves, loves, sex, and when she says she only been with not even 5 people i believe her, (means i’ve been with more than her…she has taught me alot…so much (boutlife)) so one day we spoke of THREE SUM this was couple years ago just curiousity if either of us have, and nope, we would both like too obviously, she dont mind 2 girls but has always asked the guy when they said they want 3 some with 2 girls “well when i can have 2 guys u can have 2 girls” and all deny and she never has had one…me i would love 2 women and would enjoy pleasuring them both alot! would need hours to perform…now it has taken me awhile to get to the point where i can imagine me and her then having another guy there…

    but as my sexuality grows and i get am more comfortable with who i am and my life as a person i am finding i feel i would not mind (i’m not the jealous type) its whatever, someone leaves u for someone else, ok cool, have fun i am going to go do me again. so i apply the same thing to my girlfriend and another guy….i love to please my girlfriend and i always feel BAD if i cum and she doesn’t like i’m the one who asks her ‘babe you cum?’……..so its evident i love to see my girlfriend receive pleasure…sooo now as time has continued my girlfriend told me awhile ago ‘we should make a sex video!” so i was very hesitant! for about a year i just disregarded her comments about making the video lol…(i wasn’t being very adventurous!) now…as time went on i really thought about the video and watching us have sex, and since summer has arrived((((we arent going away this summer for vacations budget minded people)))) (she taught me budget life :)) —summer is here and i asked her to make a video, she immediately asked what to wear and we had an amazing evening!! went out to dinner, shot pictures, video, 3hrs session it was hot!

    …so i want her to scream and i know women get turned on giving head and another guy inside – i think she would be very hot and feel really pleasured having two guys to play with and her receiving the attention she would be in heaven i would love to make her orgasm till she cant anymore (i haven’t before without use of toys! but this would be different) more natural and soooo hot! I think to know she is cumming so hard and loving the rush from having her body enjoyed she deserves it, and if anyone in her life is going to do this and really enjoy it, i think its me, i am a freak and love myself very much!!! sex has always been a huge part of my relationships the #1 thing really i discovered is what i enjoy the most but for it to be good sex all the other important small things must be met! lol, she satisfies my sex drive/interest so much.Plus!! after she will be happy to have the chance to invite another woman as she never has and it would be soo hot!! I love older women, young girls are hot but self centered mostly and got their own thing going on but i love a woman whos got her life together!………………………..

    ..Should i consider the 3 some idea and invite a guy? I dont know how to find the guy, – do i ask her if she has a guy she knows would work for the occasion? i feel like thats a tough part to all of this, it needs to be very good experience for everyone involved, ‘meant to be’
    I am doing my homework on positions and ethic and videos(wathcing two guys and 1 girl – i never did that before with porn, to become open to the idea i said what the hell, and its ok but i get the idea, its not bad and the woman seems to love it ) i love women, i love everyone, and sexual energy is an interesting force, i feel like we have a bond, best relationship i can say i’ve had! we obviously want to make the right decision with this opportunity and make it wonderful experience. i believe relationships grow and this could lead to other awesome things i never considered doing before, life is a dream, life is a gift, life is a moment on a rock in darkness surrounded by explosives and we just got to make the best of it while its here! we cant live boring predictable no story worth sharing lives, we got to get out there and satisfy our animal instinct and stop taking things personal! i am me because of u! we are one…i would love advice, take care everyone!DUUUCE -sean

    • This post comes from a comment that someone wrote. I don’t know whether she reads through the comments and answers any. Maybe someone else will be able to help you if she doesn’t.

  21. Thank you for the advice my situation is similar, my partner has asked me for a threesome recently and the thought of sharing my man with another woman makes me very jealous! ! However the thought of another woman in bed is somewhat appealing more and more since the proposal came about. Wgat I fear most is that we will be compared and that this girl we have chosen is beautiful and I already compare myself to her, I told my partner if he gives her more attention than I can handle I will walk out or slap him lol.. I like the no kissing the 3rd party my partner says he would like ME to experience female oral he says he would like me to try it abd the thought of me being aroused by another woman excites him. Can I do this? I have never been confident nor have I been comfortable in bed unless intoxicated. .. I don’t think I will ever be secure with my own body so would jumping into this now be the wrong thing to do even if im keen but afraid?

  22. I appreciate your reading one of my previous blog postings: “Threesies.” Little did I know your reading it and your writing about threesomes would be timely–and certainly connected. I opine that a male fantasy is two females, one male. The literature and the videos demonstrate show such fantasies being acted out. I have never read better than what you have posted here–and appreciate the comments that have followed. Sometime we really need to learn what others are thinking. The replies show a variety of opinions. Religion, culture, Old Testament–all play a role in our lives, our total lives. Thank you for clarifying so much.

    • Thanks to “Bluebird.” She commented on another post I wrote on threesomes and I asked if she would mind if I turned her comment into a blog post, which I thought a lot of people might find helpful. And apparently a lot of people have, Since I’ve gotten far fewer people asking me for advice since her post came out.

  23. My boyfriend and I of three years have talked about having a three some we both want to, we have talked about rules and protection, so now the question is how do we approach the other female ? he said it can be my choice, I said it can be his choice . I would love to bring in some new fun to the bedroom how do I go about finding the right person ? I have had three soms in the past , he has as well. we just haven’t had one together, talking about it is a huge turn on.

  24. I had my first threesome and it happened to be of the mfm variety. It was with two guy friends and was a lot of fun. It helped that I hadn’t dated either of them before the relationship and we never met on our own. Still, there were feelings that developed that I didn’t truly understand until later.

    After it was over a relationship between me and one of the guys became a more traditional bf / gf relationship. We don’t plan on being with others in our relationship.

    I think threesomes can be a lot of fun. Mine was. But when you become connected (dating) to another person I think that causes challenges to have one. While physically experiencing a threesome now would be fun, I’m not as interested. I have thought about letting him experience a threesome with me and another girl but he hasn’t brought it up and I don’t know if I could handle it now. Plus I’ve never done it and don’t know if I’m very interested.

    Anyway, every situation is different.

  25. I’m a homosexual male in a relationship with a long-term partner. Recently, my partner broke up with me for only a day because he felt as though I was ‘weighing him down’ and he needed ‘me-time.’ This was definitely my doing because although I’m 22, I have a University education and a well-paying job and I was busy planning the future and not partying like a 22 year old and he was doing the latter. He dropped out of high school and has a minimum-wage job but that means nothing to me because it is that crazy (I didn’t believe in it myself) true love at first sight kind of thing.
    He mentioned thinking Adam Levine was sexy once or twice but he wouldn’t ever do something with him if given the opportunity.. Well, he would if I would be in the menage as well. I laughed it off but told him I wasn’t in to it because I’m a monogamous person, being bisexual, I’ve had the full spectrum of relationships and out of the 10 I’ve had, 9 have resulted in me being cheated on. Bad luck I guess. But the proposition hurt me and he dropped it.
    I am a certified personal trainer but recently I had surgery and gained about 15-20lbs of pure fat. So I’m not the guy that he met, which I can understand and I’ve been trying to lose the weight again for him.. and kind of for me.
    But now, since he broke up with me I’ve been trying to relax more, started drinking again and socializing and just reaffirming to him often enough how much I truly love him for the long-haul. Then, we were texting the other day while I was at work and I started talking about fantasies. I told him that I thought being tied down and blind folded while he did what he wanted would be a little fun maybe but I wasn’t sure. Then he said “Well, I have a fantasy but you’re not into it so…” and with that lead up I was expecting the rest of the sentence in the next text message “a menage would be fun.” Just that.
    I said, “I don’t really want to, but it makes me happy to pleasure you so if its something you really want I’ll think about it.”
    We went camping that weekend and it has been nothing but him saying this guy is hot and that guy is hot and asking me what I think. He even said that while I’m away at work he can try to get with one just to see if he’s into it **jokingly** apparently.
    But he’s fully homosexual so its not like I can just ask if a woman can be part of it. But honestly, he’s the first and only man I have ever found attractive. Adding to the true love bit [insert violin music here].
    But I really don’t know what to do. Having another man in the bed with me when he already has broken up with me is scary. I don’t want him to like the other man more, think he’s better looking than me, leave me. It’s all running through my head.
    He tells me that it would just be fun and it wouldn’t mean anything but I’m getting worried that he doesn’t love me anymore and wants something better.. This worries me because although I may not be the one for him he is definitely the one for me.. Its like my soul loves him as much as my heart does.
    I don’t know what to do.

    • Bell Hooks has an essay on true love that I always discuss with my classes. It asks a number of questions, 2 of which are:

      1) can you choose love? Or must Love control you so that you can’t choose?
      2) consider the difference between these two things, Relationships marked by:

      . Love + wound
      . Love + pleasure

      When we fall in love it can feel like we have no choice in the matter. But really we do. And we can choose between being in relationships that are mismatched and end up wounding versus relationships in which two well-matched people come together.

      And while you may feel like you are experiencing true love you might need to ask yourself whether your partner loves you. The way he’s behaving doesn’t seem like he does, truly. I wouldn’t take it personally. I’m not sure that he is mature enough to even get it.

      Pain — whether physical or emotional — is generally telling you that something is wrong and that something needs to change.

      Because you haven’t met a true love who is a good match and healthy for you yet, I’m sure that it is hard for you to imagine that happening. But you are actually very young and there are a whole lot of people out there for you to meet. So you might consider expanding your experiences — though you may need to go through mourning before you can gain a healthy relationship in the future.

      It is possible to combine eroticism with emotionally healthy relationships. Everyone deserves that.

      (bell hooks’ essay is called “romance, sweet love” by the way, if you would like to find it.)

      I don’t really know you or your partner, but that’s my $.02

  26. noellekeshmiri@gmail.com

    i feel like this topic can be a general yes and no threesomes can be enjoyable … and i think most women are pressured into doing it mostly for there partner or some women might get turned on my seeing someone make love to their partner everyone is different or if your bisexual it all depends and the rule thing sounds ridiculous just don’t have a threesome then if there is already rules then part of you somewhat doesn’t 100 percent really want it . and men come on think of a guy banging the women your with …. men suck… lol

  27. I have never have been interested in threesomes however, lately it has been a hot topic within my friend group. I have seen various positive and negative outcomes of threesomes through my friend groups. None of them read this article, set up rules, made safe words or any of the above. Which is a bummer because now that Ive read this I feel more comfortable about the idea of a threesome. For a one group of friends, it went poorly, my guy friend was seeing this girl for a while and one night, while intoxicated they began getting frisky with my third friend…things didnt end well because the guy was far more interested in the girl he hadnt been seeing than the one he had. This made her jealous and she stopping talking and seeing my guy friend. The girls lost their friendship too out of awkwardness and jealousy. They should have discussed things prior to what happened and they shouldnt have been intoxicated as they were. I also wonder if all of them knowing each other and being friends was a bad idea? Should the 3rd person have been an outsider? Or is it better because its someone they knew? Reading this article gives me reassurance however, I still have many questions and concerns regarding threesomes.

    • Keep in mind that the woman who wrote this is bisexual, and as attracted to women as to men. So she could get into it with both of them. If the women you are talking about aren’t bisexual there will be some asymmetry in terms of interest. So even with rules, it might not work out as well for them as it did for this woman.

  28. howard houston

    its amazing what a female would do to keep her man happy!

  29. Everything about women..j just think of ..would I like my daughter to do this or that..would I like someone to do this or that to my daughter..would I like my daughter to be involved in this or that..or even my mum..if an answer is no..the I won’t do it to anygirls..! Let’s be crazy..but since women are meant to be mother..they should be really more careful regarding what they do ,we as men should also show more respect..bit we can only respect a woman who shows that’s she respects herself

  30. Since the man is the one who penetrates..he’s totally fine with that en enjoy..besides most of the men dream of watching two women making out..but since the woman is the one who receives..getting two penises..just imagine she tries again and you are not one of those two guys..what if she liked the other guy more.. you ll never know ,but will want to..worst nightmare ever!!!!!!!!!! What if she thinks “that was fun with two..what about with 3 or 4 guys..”..are you sure you want this vagina to give birth to your little baby..!?

  31. I find this interesting, and agree with her that communication is highly crucial. Bringing another person into the sexual relationship definitely means that boundaries/rules must be met. A sexual encounter is not worth a broken heart, but if feelings do get hurt, it defines the realities of that particular relationship. (realities that maybe it isn’t the right relationship for you). I’m only 24, wouldn’t say I am particularly vanilla in the sexual experience realm (haha omgoodness if my classmates read this). I participated in stuff like this when I was 15, but have never tried while in a serious relationship. I remember that it was “fun” and “exhilarating” because it was with people that I hadn’t known for very long, so I had no qualms about it before and after. I find that there is probably a gray area for many people when it comes to relationships and sex. It’s hard when the lines are blurred, but to me, a relationship is a relationship, and sex is just sex. Sex is essential for human beings, it is a different consciousness. I find that if a relationship IS healthy, and communication and rules are honored, it can definitely strengthen an already strong relationship.

  32. My husband wants a live show just me and girl doing dirty stuff to one another kissing , boobs etc no penetration or touching from him just wants to cum on both of us at the end I’m into the idea but can this work ??????

  33. Yes I noticed that you erased my comment (great blog by the way!). Well, this is your blog so you are free to erase the comments of those that may disagree with you. So much for freedom of thought and expression.

    • Oh, I went and erased some of your comments here, again. You know, the more demeaning ones as you scroll down (if they still existed, of course).

      In my last response to you I misspoke. It’s not that I won’t post comments that are intended to harm when posted to one of my student’s writings. That’s too limited. I won’t post comments that are intended to harm at all. With this exception: a guy posts something misogynistic to “Men who hate pretty women.” That’s because some people claim that men are not that way, so it helps to demonstrate my point. “Oh yeah? Check out the comments.” (I always thank these commenters for helping to make my point.) And… I’m certain you knew that the question you posed, and the way you posed it, would have the effect I described above.

      I also know that many male commenters (it’s always, or nearly always, men) are actively trying to change how people perceive the original post. Studies have shown that if you word things in demeaning ways, for instance, that it affects how people read the post. Also, many men want to intimidate female bloggers. I guess they are worried about women gaining status and control — not to mention women helping to empower other women — and want to bully and use put downs to stop that. They may claim “Oh, you need to be democratic… censorship is wrong” but they really want to gang up and drag you down. Much has been written about all this. Google it.

      Btw, your original comment will show up eventually. Not as a comment, but in a blog post. I’ll likely call you Mr. M. You’re lucky that way. Few erased comments make it that far.

  34. I believe that if a man wants his wife/girlfriend to have a threesome involving another woman, than he should be prepared to allow her to have a threesome with two men. It is only fair. Men who aren’t willing to allow their wives or girlfriends to experiment with their fantasies are just being insecure. As it is with all jealousy, it is just a sign of insecurity. The best way to explore your sexual fantasies is in the presence of the person you love, not in secret behind your significant other’s back.
    I have always been fascinated with the change that takes place in a person’s mind when they no longer feel jealousy about their partner being intimate with another person. It is as if though one learns to channel jealousy in a different direction. The sights, sounds and thoughts that once made you feel jealous, now turn you on. I experienced this myself when I was in my last relationship. All my life I had been dominant, jealous and possessive with my women but then, during my last relationship, something just seemed to click in my mind and now the things that made me jealous in the past had become incredibly arousing. It was very confusing for her. I had already conditioned her to suppress a certain part of herself. I started encouraging her to bring out her slutty side with others, but it was too late. I had confused her. She couldn’t understand why I had suddenly gone from being so jealous and possessive to being so open-minded. She thought it was just an excuse for me to sleep with other women or maybe I just didn’t love and respect her anymore. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I was madly in love with her. I am still dominant, but now I can truly appreciate the sight of a person that I love being sexual with another person. It is an amazing rush. I have learned that jealousy is just a sign of insecurity. A whole new world has opened up to me now.

    • Different strokes for different folks.

      I’m going to respond to a comment you wrote for another post here.

      Since you seem to think that a woman cannot attract a man unless she’s got some extreme fetish-thing going on, À la Marilyn Monroe, I’m wondering what makes you think any woman would be attracted to any man at all, including you. There is nothing fetishy about men. So apparently there is no reason to think of them as anything other than a brother, uncle, cousin, or just a good friend–or a dad who had sex with some woman who did not find him attractive. (To reverse your words)

      But to answer your question, yes, men do find less-fetishy women attractive. See these posts:

      Men’s Mags Celebrate Varied Body Types
      https://broadblogs.com/2012/05/23/mens-mags-celebrate-varied-body-types/

      Can A Small-Breasted Woman Be Sexiest Woman Alive?
      https://broadblogs.com/2012/10/10/can-a-small-breasted-woman-be-sexiest-woman-alive/

      Keep Your Boobs, Get Better Guys
      https://broadblogs.com/2011/07/13/keep-your-boobs-get-better-guys/

      And see this link in that post:
      http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Sexuality-Questions/421617-are-big-boobs-that-important-to-guys-guys.html

      It wouldn’t surprise me if you actually believe what you said, and that you assume that all men are like you. It’s not uncommon for people to think that everyone else is the way they are.

      I also assume you are smart enough to know that the comment you made could well be hurtful to women who don’t fit some narrow ideal. If a young woman actually believed what you wrote she would end up feeling like no man will ever find her attractive. She could only ever be someone’s sister, aunt, cousin or just a good friend — or a mother who some guy had sex with despite not finding her attractive.

      Since you are probably smart enough to know that, I have to question your intention in posing the question. People usually say hurtful things to others in attempts to build themselves up.

      But thanks, by the way. I’m thinking of writing a post on this topic. I protect my students who post their papers on my blog from comments that seem intended to harm. But since this is a common way for men to see things, I think it deserves its own post.

  35. One factor that influences sexuality is the hormonal balance. That could explain why some people change their sexual behavior once or more times in their lifetime. They never were “naturally” bisexual and they realized that later. They were completely straight and their hormones level altered at one point and they actually changed their sexuality to bi/gay or vice versa.
    For instance bisexual women have more testosterone than straight women and thus more sexual urges.
    A raise in the testosterone levels in straight women could possibly “turn” them to bisexuals?

    • “One factor that influences sexuality is the hormonal balance.”

      Maybe.

      “A raise in the testosterone levels in straight women could possibly “turn” them to bisexuals?”

      I don’t see why that would necessarily happen. Just because you have a higher sex drive wouldn’t necessarily make you want to have sex with everyone, so to speak. Men have high levels of testosterone and yet they’re generally straight. Or, men with the same high hormone levels are gay. Why don’t fluctuations seem to affect men in the way you suggest?

      • I have read that bisexual women have higher testosterone levels. I am just pointing that out. And gay men have brain parts that are more similar to women’s brain. At least that ‘s what I have read.

        Another interesting thing that I noticed in the above link is that women define sexuality based on emotions, meaning that a woman may sleep with another woman but if there is no emotional connection then she still considers herself as straight but men define sexuality based on behavior and not emotions.
        The same pattern can be noticed in cheating. If a man cheats on his woman but he convinces her that it was nothing, she is more likely to forgive him than If he actually loved the other woman. Woman seem to care more about “emotionally cheating” than “physical cheating”. That’s why many women can’t even stand their men flirting with another woman.
        But men don’t want their woman to actually have sex with another man. They care more about the physical aspect of sex than “emotional cheating”.

      • Some bisexual women have higher testosterone levels. I’m not sure they’ll do.

        I suspect part of the reason that bisexual women enjoy sexuality more is that women are the sexy ones in our culture and so these women are able to get into that. Including vicariously experiencing the draw of their own body to a male partner. If she can vicariously get aroused by her own body through the man’s gaze she will be more sexual with him in that way.

        And yes, the emotional part is interesting in how women tend to experience things. Of course, this is a social pattern that doesn’t affect everyone in the same way.

  36. page 7
    http://www.ipgcounseling.com/sites/ipgcounseling.com/files/content/pdf/6therapy_with_bisexual_women.pdf
    “In summary, the little we know from the scientific data on bisexuality does not
    confirm the popular view that women are more bisexual than men.”

  37. Although I am a hetero male and perhaps I shouldn’t care, I see there is a possible double standard?

    How many hetero women would marry or date a bisexual man?
    (with or WITH OUT the possibility of having MFM threesome)

    How many hetero men would marry or date a bisexual woman?
    (with or WITH OUT the possibility of having FMF threesome)

    • My guess is you’re right. You don’t state your opinion, but it’s likely clear to everyone what it is. And that would be because of the double standard, which could hurt both women and men, depending on your perspective, what you personally want.

      • Well I don’t think that it’s a matter of opinion.
        It’s that hetero women don’t seem to want to marry/date bisexual men but on the other hand bisexual women are considered to be desirable!
        Is it because of the media? hot bisexual women are everywhere in the media but there are no bisexual men or could it be more than just cultural influence?
        women want to be desired, in another post you wrote that if a man was gazing at other women then her girlfriend would get mad, can you imagine how she would felt if her man was gazing both women AND men? how could she cope with that? I have heard/read women using that as an explanation why they don’t want bisexual men, other explanations were that bisexual men were probably gays in denial, some even said about STDs.
        Perhaps that’s why when threesomes are brought up 90% it’s FMF,
        whereas MFM it’s not considered to be desirable even by women?

        Odd enough there are many women, mostly hetero, that watch gay male porn and read gay male romance. I guess women have a wider variety of tastes,
        whereas most men, more or less are interested in the same things.

      • The downside for men like you who don’t like the rise in bisexual women is that you worry that a woman who was with you would prefer to be with someone of the opposite sex from you.

        The downside for women like me is that I’m so annoyed that men expect women to do FMF threesomes. I want a man who wants to be with me. Not me and someone else.

        And yes, it seems to be media driven. Both men’s fantasies and women’s sexual behavior is changing along with changes in media portrayals. As I said before that doesn’t necessarily mean that our sexuality is so flexible that it can willy-nilly be changed by media. I suspect it’s more likely that people who are naturally bisexual are more likely to become in touch with and express that side of themselves. Others experiment and decide it’s not for them. But who knows? We don’t have enough evidence one way or another.

  38. I completely agree with “don’t do it for your partner, do it because you feel comfortable and want to explore and expand wit a partner you trust.” I believe things can get a little ugly if you’re not fully willing to try it out for self-satisfaction. I’ve actually heard of stories where one partner decides not to tell their partner they went out/behind the relationship in seek of a threesome. It’s not because the person didn’t love their partner it was just something tempting. In this case, I believe he should have satisfied his fantasy before committing himself into a relationship. In my opinion, as mentioned above I believe their should be plenty of communication before hand when planning a threesome with your partner because through out the process there could be jealousy.

    • whats crazy is that i put him on the spot with it i made him do things and he just went with the flow now i feel like i was cheated on 😦

  39. It is a lot easier to give in to a three way when you are bisexual. I know a couple of bisexual people and they seem to be more open minded when it comes to having a three way. It is possible that if you are completely straight and you agree to a three way, it will be because you are simply a curious person. That is if you are not doing just to satisfy your partner’s fantasy. I think that it would be more difficult to agree to a three way when you are in a long-term relationship. If you were to agree to it doesn’t it raise the expectations in the bedroom all the time? Will there be a time in the relationship when you decide you no longer want to be involved in that life style. I get that people want to keep it hot between the sheets, but what happens when you get older and become less sexually active? It just makes it easier to be intimate when there is an emotional connection because the emotion will make up for the wild sex you may not be having by choosing not to have a three way.

    • “It is possible that if you are completely straight and you agree to a three way, it will be because you are simply a curious person”

      that shows the difference between men’s and women’s logic and why men don’t understand female sexuality

      Saying:
      “It is possible that if you are completely straight and you agree to a three way, it will be because you are simply a curious person”

      sounds like a man saying:
      “Ι had sex with women but I was simply curious so I am still completely virgin”

  40. Let me start by saying threesomes are not for everybody. I believe that if there is a couple that agrees to sharing one another’s body whether it be all females, 2 females 1 male , or 2 males and 1 female then that’s definitely there decision. In some cases some women or men enjoy another partner in which I would call that couple swingers. I would kind of think it doesn’t work out for some people because it can bring in jealousy and insecurity if your not really open to the idea of a threesome. Some women or men can be pressured into trying it but not really want to. Some cases one can be turned on by seeing their partner fondle with another woman or man. Everybody is definitely different when it comes to the threesome conversation. A lot of men think that its sexy. Many men have dreams and fantasies of having a threesome at some point in there life. I’m not open to it being that I don’t like to share and I feel like if we can have sex or be this close to someone else than we have nothing to keep to ourselves anymore and we both might as well just be friends with benefits and still do what we do. I like to keep my relationship within me and my partner. We don’t need a third party to get a thrill :).

    • “whether it be all females, 2 females 1 male , or 2 males and 1 female”

      even though I am a straight guy, it’s interesting that you mentioned every possible combination of threesomes (including ‘all females’) except ‘all males’.
      No wonder why so many men believe that women wouldn’t mind having a threesome with another woman, it seems that many women also believe that a threesome “should be” with another woman instead of another man.
      It’s like women on women is considered to be sexy for almost everyone (men and women) but if it were males then it would be degrading for them.

      I have no interest whatsoever in men but what I am trying to point out is that the media and the porn industry have convinced us all (men and women) that the female body and the girl-on-girl is sexy but it’s not the same with the male body

  41. My husband and I are newly weds and have been together for almost 4 years. I am a bisexual woman and have been itching to be intimate with a woman for years now. My husband and I decided this past weekend that we were going to invite another bisexual into the bedroom. We had a deep discussion prior and came to the conclusion that he would not perform any penetration or kissing. He had free range to do anything else. Well let me tell you….it was amazing! The girl is a friend of ours. I not my husband was not one bit jealous. It has made us want to have sex with just each other more now, because that night keeps replaying in our head!

  42. In my opinion, a threesome is definitely an activity for the sexually liberated and completely secure. It’s a difficult thing for a couple with any trust issues and for anyone who questions whether or not they can sexually satisfy their partner. I’ve done it twice, the first time I initiated because it was a fantasy of mine I’ve always wanted to fulfill. It was everything I hoped for and I looked forward to doing it again. But the threessome I had was with someone who I was only in a sexual (non-committal) relationship. Although, I don’t think it would have been any different if it was a committed relationship. The second time, I participated in a threesome initiated by someone else, it was also great. I was younger then, now my views on threesomes have changed a bit because I’m a married man and I wouldn’t want to share my wife with anyone and I wouldn’t want my wife to feel like she has to share me with anyone.

  43. Great, well balanced post from someone who knows what they’re talking about! Thanks for sharing, really good points 🙂

    Rohan.

  44. This particular blog was near the top of the list, but it also piqued my interest. From a male standpoint, it piques everybody’s interest. Why is it that every single guy I know (and all the ones I don’t know) dreams of having a threesome? And it is always a FMF combination. Anna Spi’s mention of the MFM threesome being too “gay” is pretty spot on. But the comments that Bluebird made were spot on. To venture on to something like a threesome requires an exceedingly strong relationship. One that has an overabundance of trust and security. And obviously experiencing an event such as this requires an open-mindedness to freedom and love. This is not the freedom and love that we are accustomed to, but a different kind. I can admit that I am not personally open enough to this kind of experience. I have yet to experience that kind of trust in a relationship and thus may never get to that point. But I could never judge those that do partake of these experiences. If anything, I envy those that can healthily partake in such events and positively continue in their respective relationships.

  45. “I tried to do my own social experiment at work, asking 5 guys (in relationship) if they would have a threesome, and all 5 said yes, but ONLY if it was with another girl, because if it’s a guy, its “gay”.

    Thanks for bringing up the homophobia point, too, re MFM. Less homophobia re FMF.

  46. In my honest opinion, if a guy is asking, or even hinting at having a threesome it’s a no-no. I think that a relationship should have two people that are attracted to each other and no matter what, will be loyal. Threesome is not only disloyalty in my eyes; it’s also a little pathetic for both parties involved. I see how I might sound “insecure” or “inexperienced” in this topic, because I have never been in one, but hear me out.
    I understand that we, as human being can not only be attracted to one person. Of course if a very beautiful model looking woman will walk by, any boyfriend/husband will take a peek, but it doesn’t mean that its okay for him to try and get her in his bed with girlfriend/wife. No matter if your gf/wife says yes at any point of relationship to the “threesome” question, the only right thing to do is just say “Oh I was just wondering/kidding babe, I don’t really want anyone but you”. If a threesome happens once, do not think that your bf/husband will never want to do it again, meaning that he wants others. That is already disloyalty/cheating in my eyes even if its in front of you, with you, and with your agreement.
    I tried to do my own social experiment at work, asking 5 guys (in relationship) if they would have a threesome, and all 5 said yes, but ONLY if it was with another girl, because if it’s a guy, its “gay”.

  47. it’s weird that it has come to make an association of threesomes to FMF.
    If it’s a MFM it has to be cleared out, otherwise it’s threesome = FMF even when it comes to heterosexual women.
    Women are there for the men’s pleasure? Having so many images of naked women in the media isn’t enough, women also have to perform sexual acts for the arousal of men?

    • Bugs me too. Maybe it’s because almost all of the threesomes in porn are FMF, and because it’s usually men who propose them (being significantly more interested), wanting FMF.

      A person who said she’s a therapist even wrote in to me on another post and included a link to her blog giving out advice on threesomes. On that link, she specifically said that men couldn’t be expected to want to do a MFM, but women should certainly be encouraged to try a FMF. I was not inclined to post a link that encouraged such an annoying double standard – so I didn’t.

      • the popularity of FMF threesomes and the pressure by men now days have made women performing sexual acts they wouldn’t do a decade ago?
        http://www.nbcnews.com/id/9358339

        even that female therapist you mentioned actually bought that

      • Yeah, women are expected to do a lot of things they weren’t expected to do years ago. Have you seen this post?

        Should Women Give Men The Porn-Star Experience?
        https://broadblogs.com/2011/08/03/should-women-give-men-the-porn-star-experience/

      • but how could heterosexual women actually do something with another woman?
        are they so eager to please their man and give in to his pressure?
        I don’t think that a heterosexual men would ever had sex with another man if his woman ever asked him to

      • Straight women who write to me about this usually don’t want to have a threesome at all. But they are worried about not pleasing their partners or losing their partners. I’m not sure how many of them go through with it. They are usually writing to me to discuss whether or not they should.

        I really don’t have any experience with, or seen research on, self-described straight women who say they enjoy threesomes so I can’t really talk about that.

      • And I guess you have never heard personally of a woman asking her man to have a threesome with another man and he agreed with that?
        All the cases you have heard were about FMF and probably none was MFM, right?

      • I actually have heard of a few MFM, but most often the other way.

  48. This story is such an informational one. My man has asked me before “Would you ever have a threesome with me?” He’s never pressured me about it ( because he knows I’ll definitely kick his ass. lol. [[ only humor. sorry =) ]] ) and i love him for that. But, being the “people pleaser” that I am, I have actually thought about it. But, it just seems to me like it will definitely not work with him and I. Due to us being two Very Strong Protectors of our own and we’re two lightweight jealous people (lol). But you know what, I don’t know why but I’ve never thought of four-way. That way we wouldn’t pay no mind to what the others are doing because we’re too busy doing the same thing at the same time. Yea, because if I were to see my man kissing another woman, touching another woman the way he does with me, I don’t know what I would do. So, four-way? Works for me, haha. But I still would rather not if it were up to me. We’ll see 😉

  49. Reading this post had me thinking about my past relationships, and honestly I have always been iffy about the whole “three some” scenario. I can’t just think of it and suggesting it to my partner, that’s just me. As a bisexual woman, I would most definitely understand because obviously that woman is attracted to other woman which is totally fine. I liked the fact how all the things you have to take in mind when suggesting a three some with your significant other. For example, considering another woman or man in the action with you two, being completely comfortable with your own body and sharing it, having trust in one another, and most importantly doing it because you want to not because you want to make your partner happy. Sometimes things don’t work out like that, just like bluebird mentions in her blog, there’s a lot to consider when it comes to having this type of sexual activity without hurting anyone’s feelings.

  50. This was an informational bloq. I never thought of this the she put it. Makes much more sence. Although this is good I am still not sure I would try a threesome.

  51. This person is very wise. I myself was in an open relationship for about a year. Communication was always very key. Both my primary and I were bisexual so we decided to experience both MFM and FMF relationships. A few of our rules were:

    -We had to pick the playmate together
    -Anyone who was brought into our relationship could only play when both of us were pleasant
    -No kissing the third party
    -Safe words needed to be made clear

    When in an open relationship, it is very important rules are established right off the bat and expectations are clearly communicated. Every relationship may be handled differently; there isn’t one way to have an open/polygamous relationship. Each individual will need to handle situations differently. In my open relationship, we needed permission from each other to play with anyone else, regardless of whether or not there was penetration. In other polygamous relationships, the primaries might have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy.

    No matter what the relationship, however, one thing must stand: be comfortable with who you are! Do not change who you are to be with someone and do not pretend you are okay with something when you are not! My open relationship ended because I felt I was being asked to compromise on things that made me very uncomfortable and were hard limits for me. I felt I needed to pretend I was okay with things I wasn’t. If you are ever put in this situation, whether you are polygamous or monogamous, get out! It is not healthy and you deserve to be with someone who will not try and talk you into things you don’t want to do. You should never be afraid to voice your concerns or discomfort, and if you are, your relationship is set up for failure.

  52. I think the best way to experiment any type/preference of a sexual “fantasy” is when single. I don’t think couples (especially the men) like the idea of “sharing” their partner. I know a few couples who tried threesomes, swingers, etc, and after many years of being in their relationship, they ended up breaking up as a result of their experiment.  The funny part is that the guy started the idea of experimenting, and in the end the guy would break up with the girl because he felt cheated. And the sad part is the girl did it only because she wanted to satisfied her partner, just like the writer of the article. I think there are/should be some boundaries set for every relationship that we have to keep in mind all the time. Most important of all being: respect your partner. After all, being in a relationship is about  being exclusive. Once you loose these boundaries in a relationship it is hard to keep a good ambience. If it’s all about sex and ones fantasies, its best to stay single; that way nobody get hurts and relationships are not broken. That’s my opinion, that you would have the most amazing time and sexual experience in your fantasies while single and not worried about how your partner is going to react or what they are going to do.

    • Thanks for sharing. And you are right, a number of people have written to me before about a guy being the one to get the idea and then having the harder time with the outcome.

      • My boyfriend and I have great sex he has been wanting to have a three some with another woman I’m not interested. We are not young anymore. 50 and 53. He makes me feel insecure with all the comments about other women. He says things will be even better for us if we do this because part of the his fantasy is seeing me with her. I think it’s only going to cause me more insecurity. How do I make him understand that if he made me feel really secure with our relationship I would be more apt to consider it.

      • All I can think of is to have a conversation with him about your concerns. I imagine that these sorts of things would be more successful if everyone involved had empathy for each other, so that you can get into each other’s experience. This sort of thing can be risky in the best of situations. Without empathy, it probably won’t work. The conversation would probably help reveal the degree of empathy that you have for each other.

  53. I have been asked to do things of this matter. Firmly believe that a relationship can either get freaky or you can have a relationship, But you cannot have both. There will always be feelings of infidelity on both peoples part. What do they think you’re seeing the person you agree to or a complete stranger. I don’t think people should share partner’s. I believe that if you’re not ready to settle down and you shouldn’t . You can always settle down later in life, Go in and sew your oats, Instead of letting other people’s feelings get hurt . And if you need that much sex maybe you need to go to sex anonymous class, Or buy your self some toys at the Adult book store.

  54. I’m with you Broadblogs. I’ve been asked to FMF but zero interest and the guys don’t get it. I say yes to MFM but he wouldn’t do that.

    Next my male friend was married. At some point his wife suggested FMF and of his chest so puffed up. A year of that and the wife took off with the other woman. Now they’re divorced and he’s miserable.

    It really is difficult to sustain a 3 way.

  55. Bluebird:

    Since I get a lot of questions on “Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?” I am going to include a link to this at the bottom of that post, so people may end up over here.

    If you would like to respond to people who have questions in the future, maybe you should get a subscription to “comments” on this post so that when people write in to ask you questions, you can answer. (Just respond to this and check the box that says “subscribe to comments. It would only be for this post.) If it seems a bit overwhelming, don’t worry about it.

  56. Is this blog based on your experience? or your friends experience? Excellent blog post. you make some great points.

  57. She most likely enjoyed it because she also was bisexual.
    I can’t understand how a heterosexual woman could enjoy a threesome (with another woman) unless she wasn’t strictly heterosexual.
    When it’s threesome with two heterosexual men, they would enjoy it but they would never touch each other, I guess so.
    So I think that a heterosexual woman would most likely do a threesome because her man asked to.

    And also there is the factor of jealousy, commitment in the relationship.

    • What you say speaks to my own personal experience. I can’t get the appeal of a threesome at all. One guy I dated tried to pressure me. He didn’t see it as pressure, he saw it as talking up how great it’d be, while ignoring my utter disinterest. Which was supremely annoying. (I broke up with him, in part because of that.) He couldn’t “get it” until I suggested a MFM threesome, which he had no interest in at all. Then he was like, “Oh yeah, now I get what you’re saying.”

      In fact, a post “Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?” was inspired by that experience. I became concerned that many young women may not want to do a 3Way but feel pressured from boyfriends or society. I wanted them to know that they were not alone and that they didn’t need to feel pressured.

      I was also concerned about young men’s self-esteem. They think everyone else is doing it and may feel badly when they can’t get some of this action themselves.

      Studies show that only about 10% of young women want to do this, whereas more than half of men want to. So you end up with a disconnect. I surveyed young people in 8 of my own classes on this issue. And the data is extremely consistent in every class: About 90% of young women rate their interest in a 3way as a “1” out of “10” (1 meaning low interest and 10 meaning high). More than once a young woman has gone off the chart and put “0”!

      That said, I’m not interested in denigrating others’ experience, and some may well feel differently, as a few indicated in comments on my post “Can Relationships Survive A Threesome?” One or two women who don’t appear to be bi (I’m unsure) seemed to like it. In which case I’d love to get their perspective.

      It’s important to me that people do what they feel comfortable with – what feels authentic to them – and not feel pressured by personal or societal expectations, one way or the other.

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