Blog Archives
Seeing Women as Magic and Evil
By Ocelot
Some men see women as both magic and evil.
This occurred to me as I read a post on the lure of overeating:
Food was both magic and evil. That’s a noxious combination, known to create obsessions and addictions.
Sounds a lot like the men who hate pretty women.
Obsessed and addicted? Sounds about right. How else to explain the enduring idea that seeing a woman leads to attraction, which leads to rape, complete with horrible analogies comparing men to beasts and women to (wait for it) food?
Men who hate pretty women wouldn’t hate them so much if they didn’t love them, too.
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Threesomes Can Be Fun. Or Not.
By Bluebird
Threesomes can be fun. I’ve indulged, myself.
But don’t do it out of pressure.
And even if everyone’s game, it works for some, but not for all.
And if it’s not a lifestyle choice, three seconds of pleasure and the ability to say, “Yeah, been there done that!” can be a slippery slope to something that’s, well, not so great.
On the one hand, being the lover to make a fantasy a reality can strengthen an already amazing relationship.
Did you get that last part? “An already amazing relationship.”
It won’t prove your love or fix a broken partnership.
And there are pitfalls like cheating or — surprisingly — the one who proposed it may not like it as much as the other two.
You can plan every detail yet not anticipate how the 2nd or 3rd person — or how even you, yourself — might feel or behave while doing the deed.
I’ll tell you my story.
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Friendly = I Want Sex?
By Erica Dalton
Coming into sexuality is so confusing. At least it was for me.
Beyond the no-win of being ridiculed for not doing “it,” verses becoming the main topic of conversation if you do, there were other perplexities.
Most of my classmates had had something resembling sex by eighth grade. I was more naive, which some found hard to believe: Since I had more guy friends than girl friends how could I have been anything but a slut?
Girls and guys both seemed to think so.
Then along came another no-win as my friendliness was taken for flirtation. When I turned guys down I was called a tease.
On my fifteenth birthday a guy friend bought me a build-a-bear and asked me out. When I explained that I only saw him as a friend he got extremely angry. He told me that by being nice to him, laughing at his jokes and spending time together, I was leading him on and that was not fair. I was dumbfounded. How could being a good person now be turned against me? The only response I was capable of was, “Well, do you want me to be a bitch to you?”
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Guys: Romantic? Or Just Want One Thing?
Some reports say guys are getting more romantic. Others say they just want one thing, preferably from celluloid porn stars.
Which is it?
On the one hand guys are getting sexually addicted to their computer screens. Davy Rothbart explains that the “fireworks and whiz-bangs” of extreme porn is to real women what an Imax 3-D movie is to a flipbook. (Though he thinks it’s a problem.)
And after a tour of college campuses, Naomi Wolf concluded that far from turbocharging women’s objectification and turning men into wild, raping beasts, Internet porn is turning men off real women.
But others have found young men becoming more romantic than their older brothers and fathers. Ninety-five percent of whom would prefer to have sex with someone they love over sex with a “hot” woman. Over half only want sex with someone they love.
What’s with the conflicting data?
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Looking Sexual vs Being Sexual
Is “beauty” really sex? Does a woman’s sexuality correspond to what she looks like? Does she have the right to sexual pleasure and self-esteem because she’s a person, or must she earn that right through “beauty”?
– Naomi Wolf
![Black_and_White_love_romance_kiss1[1]](https://broadblogs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/black_and_white_love_romance_kiss11.jpg)
A lot of women and men confuse looking sexual with being sexual. We look at an attractive woman and think, oh, she’s really sexual. Then we see a not-so-pretty woman and suppose she’s not.
But “pretty” and “sexuality” are actually two different things. Sex is all about feeling, not the surface experience of just existing, however beautifully.
But as Naomi Wolf points out in The Beauty Myth, too many women don’t enjoy sex because they think they don’t look sexy enough. And since a lot of women think they don’t look sexy because of their body type, age, or low self-esteem, a lot of women miss out on great sex.
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Betas Pushing Theory That Insults Them
Some guys who call themselves “Betas” (gentler, less macho men) complain that women want successful, dominating “Alphas,” instead of them.
Despite evidence to the contrary.
Turns out, women actually prefer Betas. I know I do. (Well, I prefer most Betas: the one’s who aren’t complaining about what idiots women are for wanting Alphas.)
Actually, they aren’t always complaining. They are often explaining, matter-of-factly, that women want Alphas because of evolution. Because dominating genes are just better genes, or something.
And sometimes these guys aren’t just telling me. They are adamantly pushing a cause.
I “get” the complaining. Who wants to feel rejected?
But why are they so tied to a theory that puts them down? And that leaves them no hope (in their minds)?
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Advice Women-Haters Could Use Via Ashton Kutcher
You may have seen Ashton Kutcher’s Teen Choice Awards speech. After all, it went viral.
He says a lot of great stuff. I’ll focus on this:
The sexiest thing in the entire world… is being really smart. And being thoughtful. And being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you! It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less.
Now, Ashton Kutcher can’t help but be sexy, so what does he know?
On the other hand, anyone could become more attractive by following his advice.
Think about it.
Being smart is a confidence-builder. And confident is the sexiest thing you can be.
The thoughtful and generous also hold an air of confidence. And they don’t scare people off.
Unlike some men who write to tell me how much they hate women because they can’t get one. Like this guy:
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Sex ‘s Us
Sex is a bad thing, I learned growing up. I don’t know that anyone directly told me that, but that sure was the sense I got.
The religion I grew up in has the highest level of sexual dysfunction in America. My parents and friends came out of that religion and I didn’t talk about sex with any of them. I did notice squirming when “things” came up. Sex ed at school was about contraception and disease. And nasty whispers spread about girls who got pregnant.
Maybe John Harvey Kellogg grew up the same way. He created Kellogg’s Cornflakes in hopes of weakening the sex drive.
By the time I had an orgasm I didn’t know what it was. But I was embarrassed and determined to never let that happen again, no matter how good it felt.
I sure could have used Rohan Healy’s book, SEX, Not as a Separate Subject, which could also be called, “Things I wish I’d learned in middle school – or at least college.”
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Women Want Betas
A lot of guys think women only want so-called Alphas — big, muscular, domineering guys. But a study at the University of Tennessee and published in PNAS, found that most women actually want more reliable and generous “Betas.”
The preference for Betas began much earlier than expected, shortly after humans began living in large social groups, according to a study that used mathematical models to determine when humans first began living monogamously.
Before that, the most dominant men had the most access to women. Apparently, Betas have more brains than brawn and realized that even if they couldn’t compete physically they could attract women by devoting themselves to just one.
And, as fathers became monogamous instead of widely spreading their seed, children got more resources, had better survival rates, and developed bigger brains, too.
Which reminds me of a question I’m sometimes asked: Why do men get aroused through intercourse but women more often thru outercourse (the clitoris)?
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How to Pleasure A Woman
Men get much of their sex ed from porn, which has little to do with pleasing actual women (porn stars are acting ecstatic, after all, and the focus is often on pleasing the man). So WebMD asked reputed sex educators, Tristan Taormino and Lou Paget, to talk about some common mistakes men make. Go here to see the full text. We’ll also look at research from Cindy Meston and David Buss, who researched and wrote, Why Women Have Sex.
Men imagine that women feel something parallel to what they feel, says Paget, leaving a “huge disconnect” about what feels good to women:
When a man has intercourse with a woman, and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn’t feeling the same way for her. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
The vagina is actually less sensitive than the clitoris and the surrounding parts for most women.
And a vibrator can help. So don’t be insulted, thinking something is wrong if that’s what she needs, say the authors. “Some women can’t have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm, so think of a vibrator as your assistant, not your substitute.”
But many men continue to believe that women should be able to reach orgasm from vaginal penetration. Taormino says:
I still get letters from people who say things like, my wife can’t [orgasm] from intercourse unless she has clitoral stimulation — please help. I want to write back and say, ‘OK, what’s the problem?’
And then there’s the myth that bigger is better. It all depends. Length is great for women who enjoy having their cervix stimulated, say Meston and Buss. But the same stimulation can be painful for other women. And if the penis is too long, “it feels like you’re getting punched in the stomach,” Paget explains. “It makes you feel nauseous.” Still others feel neither pleasure nor pain—and often not much of anything.
Generally speaking, width is more important than length. But depending on the woman, some prefer larger and some smaller.
And men should not assume they know what a woman wants based upon what other women have wanted. Taormino points out that:
You develop a repertoire as you mature sexually, but you should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person.
So open the lines of communication and ask what feels good. But consider: If you constantly ask her if she’s coming, do you really think she will? The badgering can move her from erotic to just feeling pressured. So don’t overdo it.
And finally, let her know how gorgeous and sexy she is. That’s one of the biggest turn-ons a woman can get.
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