Category Archives: psychology
Sex ‘s Us
Sex is a bad thing, I learned growing up. I don’t know that anyone directly told me that, but that sure was the sense I got.
The religion I grew up in has the highest level of sexual dysfunction in America. My parents and friends came out of that religion and I didn’t talk about sex with any of them. I did notice squirming when “things” came up. Sex ed at school was about contraception and disease. And nasty whispers spread about girls who got pregnant.
Maybe John Harvey Kellogg grew up the same way. He created Kellogg’s Cornflakes in hopes of weakening the sex drive.
By the time I had an orgasm I didn’t know what it was. But I was embarrassed and determined to never let that happen again, no matter how good it felt.
I sure could have used Rohan Healy’s book, SEX, Not as a Separate Subject, which could also be called, “Things I wish I’d learned in middle school – or at least college.”
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Women Want Betas
A lot of guys think women only want so-called Alphas — big, muscular, domineering guys. But a study at the University of Tennessee and published in PNAS, found that most women actually want more reliable and generous “Betas.”
The preference for Betas began much earlier than expected, shortly after humans began living in large social groups, according to a study that used mathematical models to determine when humans first began living monogamously.
Before that, the most dominant men had the most access to women. Apparently, Betas have more brains than brawn and realized that even if they couldn’t compete physically they could attract women by devoting themselves to just one.
And, as fathers became monogamous instead of widely spreading their seed, children got more resources, had better survival rates, and developed bigger brains, too.
Which reminds me of a question I’m sometimes asked: Why do men get aroused through intercourse but women more often thru outercourse (the clitoris)?
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Sexy Weiner?
Congressman Anthony Weiner has admitted sexting a picture of his package to young women — yet again — in the tradition of Brett Favre, Kanye West and assorted flashers everywhere.
What are these men thinking?
Tracy Clark-Flory over at Salon put out a call on Twitter to get women’s reactions to this sort of sexting. Plenty of women wanted to see a man’s chest. But with few exceptions the response to THIS was complete repulsion. When asked whether crotch shots “do it” for them, one tweeter replied, “If by ‘do it’ you mean ‘send me to the toilet retching,’ then yes, they do.”
Flashers seem similarly clueless. Flasher message boards suggest that these men expect women to get turned on. At least one man finally “got it,” saying, “I simply can’t do it anymore… I found that I was basically just offending woman after woman.”
Men love looking at lady parts, so they think women must love the sight of man parts, too. Surprisingly, “penis” is a common web search among men, straight or gay, and they are as likely to “google” penis as vagina. No wonder they think women want to look at theirs, too. Of course, porn depicts women going wild at the sight of the male member. But porn is a wildly inaccurate instructor on women’s sexuality.
Some believe the flaunting is tied to evolutionary psychology. After all, “Male monkeys and apes routinely display their penis (usually erect) to females to indicate sexual interest,” says cognitive neuroscientist Ogi Ogas. The move may make female monkeys and apes swoon. But among women, retching seems an unlikely process by which to pass on ones genes.
But I think women’s reactions also run counter to Freud’s contention that women experience “penis envy” (this being the supposed cause of our feelings of inferiority: “His is so big!”). I know my first reaction to seeing a penis was a huge relief that I, myself, was streamlined. Looks like others might feel the same.
Women may appreciate a man’s package in the context of “wanting” and/or loving a particular man. But this sort of sexting? Not so much.
It seems men are a bit more obsessed with the sight of their penises than women are.
In “honor” of Anthony Weiner’s ongoing determination to run for Mayor of New York City, this is a repost of a piece originally published June 10, 2011.
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Deep Throat. Porn Star? Or Victim?
Lovelace, staring Amanda Seyfried, comes out this weekend. Seyfried plays Linda Lovelace, a porn star who famously played a woman with a clitoris inside her throat. So she LOVES giving head in Deep Throat.
Nora Ephron checked out the film when it came out in the 70s, approaching it with an open mind. But when a hollow glass dildo was inserted inside Linda’s vagina and filled with Coca-Cola, Ephron felt both humiliated and terrified, worried the glass might break. Guys chided her for overreacting, calling the scene “hilarious.” So she asked Linda about it. Her response?
I totally enjoyed myself making the movie. I don’t have any inhibitions about sex. I just hope that everybody goes to see the film… (and) loses some of their inhibitions.
That was then. Years later Linda wrote a memoir that told a very different story, entitled, “Ordeal.”
Her ordeal began Read the rest of this entry
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Men Don’t Feel Sexy–and It Sucks
Running an online magazine about masculinity, I’ve come to observe a curious phenomenon. When we post about issues around men who feel unsexy or sexually unwanted, our comments blow up…
That’s a slightly edited observation from Noah Brand, editor-in-chief of The Good Men Project, and author of a top-read post entitled, “Men Must Be Needed Because We Can’t Be Wanted.”
I have heard from some of these guys on BroadBlogs, too. Like this, from Potis:
Women have learned that they are the sexy gender.
So men must desire women but it’s hard for women to desire men — after all, the male body isn’t that desirable, thanks to the media, right?
So women have to settle down with a partner when they have learned not to desire his body. But they expect him to cherish her beauty and desire her.
Comments like this usually arrive after reading, “Women Seeing Women as Sexier than Men.”
I wrote the post because when I complain of constant female objectification and the dearth of sexy-men billboards, women often “explain” to me that women just have sexier bodies.
I don’t buy it. I believe that men have sexy bodies, too. But due to a cultural bombardment of sexy-woman images, especially those that fetishize lady-parts but not man-parts, we all come to see women as the sexier sex.
I’d like to see men portrayed as sexy more often. I’d like to see women portrayed as more-than-sexy, more often. And I’d like to see “sexy” more broadly drawn.
But some guys don’t get it. They think I’m putting them down. They think I’m bragging on how much more desirable we women are. Just to rub it in.
Other guys tell me that they ARE sexy and plenty of women think so! Clearly, not all guys fear that women don’t find them attractive. But men who do worry think that “women are sexier” means more than it does.
So here’s what I’ve told Potis and others:
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You Are Not A Fashion Sketch
Have you ever seen a fashion sketch and wished you looked like that? So glamorous!
But here’s “you” as a fashion sketch:
Not so glamorous after all.
Star Models, A Brazilian modeling agency, released this series as an anti-anorexia PSA advertisement.
The ads may help a bit. At the same time, when we are constantly bombarded with the notion that hyper-thin feminine bodies is what fashion looks like, the ideal becomes unconsciously embedded in our brains — along with eating disorders imprinted on our bodies. Maybe anorexia, maybe bulimia, maybe obsessive or over-vigilent eating.
And while we like to draw firm boundaries between what’s normal and what’s not, anorexia has become more normalized than abnormal, says Women’s Studies professor, Susan Bordo.
It’s hard to change our ways of seeing by trying to convince individuals alone. Modeling agencies and fashion magazines must change, too, says Tristan Bridges, PhD.
But that can be difficult when impossible ideals promote so many sales. Women trying to achieve skinny bodies can buy gym memberships, exercise equipment, Jenny Craig memberships, Weight Watchers frozen dinners, or clothing that pulls in, pushes up, and camouflages.
Until our world begins to change just keep chanting, “I am not a fashion sketch, I am not a fashion sketch, I am not a fashion sketch” and hope for the best.
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Fifty Shades of Pro-Orgasm
Some worry that the deluge of male dominance/female submission imagery in our culture helps to make sexism seem sexy, encourages women to crave their own submission and abuse, and spurs some men to abuse women.
Others are less concerned. Specifically regarding the Fifty Shades series one of my students — a fan — says,
To those feminists who are bashing the book and those of us who read it: Give us more credit! Women are not that easily influenced by a piece of poorly written fiction. At least not the women I know.
Or this from Feministing:
I’m not perplexed by (the appeal of Fifty Shades of Grey). And I am in no way appalled. I am fully in support of anyone doing whatever (safe, consensual) thing that they want to do to get themselves off. Feminists for Orgasms.
Feminists for Orgasms. Pro-choice feminists. Feminists who think women have more sense than to be so easily swayed by a pornified culture that sexualizes male dominance.
And anyway, since male domination is rather of off-limits for feminists, that makes it that much more forbidden and O-inducing, right? Katie Roiphe, whose Newsweek piece on “Shades” was widely panned, has a point when she says,
What is interesting is that this material still, in our jaded porn-saturated age, manages to be titillating or controversial or newsworthy. We still seem to want to debate or interrogate or voyeuristically absorb scenes of extreme sexual submission. Even though we are, at this point, familiar with sadomasochism, it still seems to strike the culture as new, as shocking, as overturning certain values, because something in it still feels, to a surprisingly large segment of our tolerant post-sexual-revolution world, wrong or shameful.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand sure, women should choose what they want. On the other hand, how much choice do you have when you’ve unconsciously internalized society’s way of seeing? Or, as one of my readers put it,
I find this post (on women learning to like torture) extremely frustrating because it points out an issue that bothers me so much. I have always struggled with the fact that morally (and in general) I am completely disgusted by degrading and torturing women, but when it comes to sexual fantasies, I feel completely differently. I think that this is a serious problem and needs to be addressed by my and the coming generations. I think it is perfectly fine to enjoy D/s if that’s what you’re into, however I do not think it should be subconsciously shoved into the minds of every girl growing up in our society.
And while many believe that we aren’t affected by our culture and the messages around us, we do seem to be. Sales go up for products that are advertised. Why else would companies spend mega-millions on a 30-second Super Bowl ad?
Or, a post from Feministing reads:
I am in no way surprised that many women, who have been socialized in a culture in which male sexuality is linked to domination and in which women are taught their sexual power comes from being wanted, have fantasies of submission.
And actually, “dominating men” is one of the few ways that men in our culture are eroticized at all.
Meanwhile, nearly 80% of young women have poor body image and can get distracted from sex by worries over what their bodies look like. The whole dominance/submission thing could help young women to get away from that focus and get into the sexy happenings they are engaged in.
Still, I don’t care to see abuse eroticized, whether based on gender or ethnicity. Or whether the target is children or animals. And I will continue to work against it.
But eroticized abuse is what we’ve got. And many women, including many feminists, find it arousing.
So I’ve given this a lot of thought.
While people do unconsciously internalize the messages of their society, we can also become conscious of them, which makes choice more possible. We may then choose to overcome the messages or, alternatively, compartmentalize them.
So, a woman could live an egalitarian and empowered life while keeping submission fantasies confined to the bedroom in order to neutralize the potential harm that comes from feeling — and becoming — “lesser than.” She could also do the BDSM-thing in ways that are not physically harmful.
Many who engage in D/s only do so with partners who respect them as equals and who see these “cut off from reality” moments as play.
Others keep the fantasies in their heads and don’t act them out. As one dominatrix put it,
In many cases people’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs and they prefer the fantasy to reality.
If anyone chooses to act out their fantasies I suggest avoiding anything that is actually harmful. Pain exists to warn against whatever is causing it. Those who lack pain receptors die young.
Others protest that some people deal with emotional problems by harming themselves. Like cutting. Again, cutting is not healthy. If you need that sort of release, seeing a therapist to deal with the underlying issue is healthier.
Finally, so that women don’t consistently act in ways that bolster an ideology that encourages them to submit, how about turning it around sometimes? Maybe he’d like to be dominated now and again. Or, maybe you could spend an evening with him serving your every desire.
Now that would be nice.
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Feminine Things Make You Look More Womanly, Right?
Look at the images below and then look at the faces. When does the feminine face turn masculine?
Now look at these images and then look the faces. Once again, when does the feminine face turn masculine?
You’d think that feminine things would make women look more womanly. And maybe they do in some contexts. But when researchers asked people to look at gendered objects like those above, and then judge how masculine or feminine each face appeared, the results were counter-intuitive.
Researchers found that people who looked at feminine objects thought the faces seemed more masculine, and vice versa when masculine objects appeared. Just like me.
The researchers say this happens as an “adaptation effect,” which Lisa Wade over at Sociological Images describes as,
a neurological phenomenon in which “looking at something for a long time makes you more likely to see its opposite” (source). For example if you look at a white screen after looking at a red one for a while, the white screen will appear green (red’s opposite). Or, if you look at lines moving right for a while and then look at static lines, they will appear to move left.
Apparently, our brains see both people and things as gendered — and those genders are “opposite.” But as Dr. Wade points out, “We are ‘opposite sexes,’ then, but only in our minds.”
Source: Sociological Images
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Women Write Resistance to Violence
It is easier to program a child than a VCR. Only three steps. Easy, time-tested, ancient, a sure thing.
First, hurt the child. Hurt her a little, hurt her a lot, threaten to do more, things she can’t imagine. Since she couldn’t have imagined what you’ve already done, her own fear will now control her. She will blindfold and gag herself.
Those are the opening lines of a poem by Elliott Battzedek entitled, “His Favorite Gun is Me.” The poem is part of a new anthology called, Women Write Resistance.
Poetry resisting violence. Gendered violence: Battering, rape, incest, trans-violence.
Poetry as resistance may sound strange.
Yet poetry emerges from the unconscious, beyond conventional notions provided by the powerful, creating competing narratives.
That’s crucial since gender violence holds a “double-bind: keep silent or speak and be ashamed,” says scholar Cheryl Glenn.
When he held her by her ankles
upside down on the roof
like she was
a bird he was plucking
…
I wish he doesn’t drop me
I wish this hadn’t
happened,
this being
the molesting, the threats, then
– to come –
the disbelief,
when the girl came forward and said
he made me
touch him,
and she, my mother said, me too,
they told her she was
a naughty girl who just wanted attention
— Lines from Shevaun Branigan’s, “Why My Mother is Afraid of Heights”
This poetry uses sass language: naming experience in personal terms, using language that is impolite, blunt, passionate or sarcastic. Sass uses natural speech and slang to resist the illusion of objectivity and refuses to take on a disembodied voice.
and long before you
forbade a ribbon for my hair
yelled when my contact slipped out in the pool
or kicked our toddler’s stuffed snow leopard across the room,
it was moonlight,
and you were handsome,
and we were in love,
and I was 19
and had sworn, after the trailer park of childhood,
never to let a man hit me.
I felt so proud of that rule I’d made up myself.
— Lines from, “Before You” by Joy Castro
Making it personal moves us beyond customary news coverage that is abstract, sometimes titillating, and that ignores the consequences of gender violence.
By creating and communicating new ways of seeing, this poetry provides the possibility of both personal and social transformation, as Audre Lorde would put it.
Part of that transformation is reflected in the anthology’s title. Lauren Madeline Wiseman, the editor, points out that we once had only the concept of victim. Now we see one-time victims transformed into survivors. But another dimension must be added: resister.
Here are a few of the poets busy writing resistance: Ellen Bass, Alicia Ostriker, Judy Grahn, Wendy Barker, Lisa Lewis, Maureen Seaton, Judith Vollmer, Lyn Fifhin, Alison Luterman, Frannie Lindsey, Linda McCarriston, Leslie Adrienne Miller, Jehanne Dubrow, Rebecca Foust, Allison Hedge Coke, and Hilda Raz, along with many others.
The resistance emerges in broken silences, disrupted narratives, being sassy, witnessing, harnessing anger and raising consciousness to connect the dots between the personal, the political and the societal: the place where resistance lives.
Poetry that urges us all to empowered resistance.
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1/10 of Women Depressed After Sex
One-third of women have felt depressed after sex, and 10% regularly do.
It’s not about feeling down after a one night stand, worried you’ve made a mistake. Many of the women were in stable relationships. One explained:
I did not associate the feeling with an absence of love or affection for my sexual partner nor with an absence of love or affection from them towards me, because it seemed so unconnected with them.
I thought of this study as I read a blog post from “Overcoming Depression,” by a man who struggles with this same issue:
A passionate love making is one of the most enriching experience of one’s life. Let me tell you one difficulty that I sometimes face in love making. If I did not get enough satisfaction after sex I become very sad and I feel very ‘low’ and slightly depressed. I don’t like it happening to me. It makes my girl-friend feel bad as well by thinking that it is her fault. I don’t know how to tackle this issue. Any suggestions?
This is a hard one because even the researchers don’t know.
The problem is common among women who have been sexually abused or grown up in sex-shaming religions of families. They often feel guilty or frustrated afterward.
But that was not so for everyone in the study.
Depression may arise from issues outside the bedroom. Researcher, Dr. Debby Herbenick suggests talking with your partner, your doctor or seeing a therapist. Ask yourself, “Are you upset with your partner? Are you having self-esteem or body issues? Are you sad about other things in your life?”
Below are some reader comments from Clutch, where I first read about this study:
- I would imagine that women my age at least (over 40) may still have some guilt tied up with sex. Growing up in the 60′s and being browbeaten, threatened and dared to “keep your dress down and your panties up,” by the time many women did get some, they felt too guilty about it to enjoy it. And then these women raised their daughters this same way as they were raised, which would explain younger women suffering from the same emotional malady. We pass along a lot of twisted notions to our kids sometimes, even when we know it’s not right.
- I had that problem in the past but for some reason, it hasn’t occurred in a very long time. I have also experienced extreme agitation and anger, but um, I’m sure that was due to not being satisfied.
- i get irritable when i don’t have an orgasm. this is why i believe in using a magic wand. go get one – around $35. best money you will ever spend.
My thoughts:
In cultures that are sex-positive, women enjoy sex a great deal and are highly orgasmic. Something is terribly wrong in our society when one-third of American women have experienced sadness or anxiety after sex.
Otherwise, I’d suggest focusing on the connection, on the merging with each other, rather than the goal of an amazing orgasm.
And Casey, who blogs at The Sprightly Writer also has some interesting suggestions:
Hmm…after making love, I’ve felt sad and low at times too. But I think the solution to this is to focus on the full body experience and not focus on the goal, but on the exploration of the other person.
How much do you incorporate sensory play? A lot of people whose sex lives become too boring will improve with incorporating different sensations – ice cubes, feathers, soft fabrics. If your partner is willing, she might even go for a little bit of wicked fun.
…For men, there is also a trick you can try to prolong and enhance your personal experience. If they can learn to practice coming to the edge of ‘completion’, backing off from it and focus on her, coming back to that place, and backing away from it, it extends the duration and the intensity when you finally do find release.
If anyone finds any of this helpful, let me know.
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