Men Using Sex To Gain Intimacy
By Jonathan Cadet
Women need intimacy to get to sex, they say. Well, it may be weak for a man to admit this, but we don’t have sex just for sex. A lot of us have sex because it’s one of the few ways we can express our emotions and gain intimacy.
I’d never thought about it until my women’s psych professor talked about how hard it is for men to express emotion.
But now I think it’s one reason why we seem to crave sex more than women do.
Of course, there’s the biology of it. We are more “loaded” with testosterone. And twice as much of our brain is taken up with sex. And women’s sexuality is more repressed by our society’s double standard. But we men have a human need for emotional intimacy and expression that is repressed in us, too.
But wait, I know what some guys are thinking: Less talking and more f-ing! Why in the world would that be a problem? It’s a blessing, right?!!
But looking back I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve said to my guy friends when they were trying to have deep conversations about their relationships. Like, “What’s wrong with you? You have no balls!”
Imagine how bad you would feel to hear that when you are seeking advice!
And I haven’t always been real respectful of women, either.
If a guy had asked me a few months ago why men are so obsessed with sex, I would have bragged about my sexual encounters and be like, “Yeah bro that’s how I treat my b****”
No offense to women, but we all do that! But you know what? We don’t mean a single word! We say stuff like that to look manly in front of guys because that’s the stereotype of what guys should be like. Men are tough and insensitive. We shouldn’t communicate our feelings.
Am I the worst person ever? Well, I don’t think I’m a bad person. And a billion other guys could fit in that same box.
Sadly, we buy into the view because if we don’t, we are viewed suspiciously and get rejected.
So we take on the attitude. But then it interferes with being intimate and loving in our close relationships. And then our only recourse to gaining love and intimacy is having more sex. It’s the only thing that is hidden from the outside world and judgment. Because what happens in bed stays in bed. (And lying can seem advisable when guys must pretend that sex is all about performance — “I f’d her so bad and she liked it !!!” – while omitting the details about all the feelings that were involved.)
In fact, from my own experience, and talking to other guys, a man’s romantic passion is often communicated by the number of times he has sex. The more sex the more in love we are. If sex is less often, that’s usually a bad sign and we may express our disconnect by being unfaithful.
In truth, men and women are more alike than different. Both men and women have essentially the same desires in life and seek the same kinds of satisfactions with each other. Both want love, affection, success, dignity and self-fulfillment. They want to be acknowledged first as unique individuals, and then as men and women.
And emotions and sex are no different, right? So why treat them in different ways for each gender? If women’s sexuality and men’s emotions were freed from repression, we would be able to connect a whole lot more.
Jonathan Cadet is a student who gave permission to post this.