Real Women Competing With Porn Stars
Overconsumption of porn is having unintended consequences.
Once upon a time men were hesitant to purchase pornography. Walk into an adult bookstore or movie house? Ring up a purchase with the girl at the counter? Way too embarrassing. But now internet porn is easily available in the anonymity of home. It’s even free. Porn has gone mainstream. Who doesn’t do it anymore?
But porntopia has an unexpected downside. Standards of sexiness are growing narrower. Some men expect their partners to act like porn stars. Sometimes both. Everyone ends up disappointed.
Young men and women are indeed being taught what sex is, how it looks, what its etiquette and expectations are, by pornographic training, and this is having a huge effect on how they interact.
So said Naomi Wolf after a college campus tour.
In sum: women are now expected to behave like actresses in porn flicks. Emphasis on “actress.” Even porn stars don’t behave that way at home.
And how do the actresses act? It’s male fantasy: It’s all about the guy.
Pamela Paul found something similar in her research for Pornified:
Among men who overconsume porn, real women are now expected to: Howl and moan with delight at the sight of the male member, or in anticipation of oral sex. They must enthusiastically swallow, let their boyfriends ejaculate on their faces and bodies, or maybe be peed upon. Suggesting an interest in lesbianism is always good. And through it all, they’re expected to have quick, easy orgasms. Ideally without much foreplay.
A man named Luis reported,
I’ve broken up with women who wouldn’t perform certain things.
Some recognize the problem. A man named Harrison stated,
I think that a guy’s expectations of his partner might be affected by the images he sees in porn. People’s expectations of their partner’s sexual performance or of what their partners might be willing to do might be unrealistic.
A 2004 Elle-MSNBC.com poll found that 35% of men felt sex with real woman had become less arousing. Twenty percent said the real thing couldn’t compete with virtual sex.
If women want to compete, they’ll need to become actresses, too. Not so much fun for them.
Women who bed these men end up feeling empty and unsatisfied. After watching porn with her boyfriend, a woman named Cara observed,
The women were all fake. No intimacy, nothing sensual. Even when he and I were intimate, the sex wasn’t intimate.
Perhaps this is what happens when sex objects have sex — and not when flesh and blood human beings have sex.
Distracted by candy, everyone ends up missing something more nourishing and substantive. We miss out on the deep, connected intimacy that brings so much meaning to relationship. Soul needs.
Why act in ways that leave us empty and spiritually wanting? Is he that into you to be worth it? The focus on his pleasure, only, suggests he is not.
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Posted on January 18, 2011, in feminism, gender, men, objectification, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged culture, feminism, gender, internet porn, men, objectification, porn stars, pornography, porntopia, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, sexual objectification, women. Bookmark the permalink. 209 Comments.
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I think this is a very interesting topic, and I do think men are looking for a “pornstar” type performance with their significance other in the bedroom. Personally I think it should be up to the women, and what makes them comfortable. They’re shouldn’t be any expectation for someone to perform a certain way in the bedroom. I think if men are expecting women to just automatically do this for them in the bedroom, then maybe they should just stick to their online porn. I know people are into this, and there is nothing wrong with that, they just shouldn’t expect their partner to be as well.
Exactly.
In just plain jane I’m not ugly but no where near perfect and now my husband is using just to get off I feel worthless an shamed and ugly I can act anyone can but I can’t change the way I look I don’t even want him to touch me
You deserve better. I’d look for a husband who appreciates you.
Are real women having to compete with porn stars, the answer is yes, majority of us are. My boyfriend watches porn all the time, he even watched it a lot before we decided to be in a relationship. I always thought “maybe he has a pornography problem” and I still think he does. On many occasions I talked to him about how it made me feel with him always wanting to watch it, even when we were being intimate, he would turn it on and it would gross me out so much. Whenever I would mention it, he would shame me and say “stop being so jealous” or say he was only watching it to help him ejaculate because he had been drinking too much and it would take longer without him watching women porn stars. There was many sexual things that I didn’t do before meeting my boyfriend, I just felt like they were so belittiling myself and women. After a while of not wanting to lose him, I found myself pleasing him sexually in ways that I certainly didn’t enjoy but he did and of course, porn was being played while I did these things. Many men watch porn but many men also realize that they would never want their wives or girlfriends doing such things and then you have men that want women who will disrespect themselves in such a way. Now, do I think that men watching porn is just outright nasty, no I don’t but I do think it should have a limit and your partner should be comfortable and okay with it and If they aren’t then you shouldn’t do it if you truly love them and care about their feelings. It’s also not okay to watch porn and then begin to expect certain things from your partner because like many others, I agree that it will start to diminish the love and intimacy between the two that they once had because no woman wants to compete with other women. If you have to fight with your partner about always wanting to watch other women in porn, then maybe it’s time to let go and find someone that only wants to watch you and explore every part of your body without the help of pornography and making you feel less than.
“He even watched it a lot before we decided to be in a relationship”
Of course he did. All men do. ALL of them. You sound surprised.
“your partner should be comfortable and okay with it and If they aren’t then you shouldn’t do it if you truly love them and care about their feelings.”
That’s not going to happen. You might force them to do it in secret but there is no chance they’ll stop outright. Better you know the truth, no?
It’s not very manly to be locked away hunched like a troll beating off compulsively to porn. Its gross and makes me loose respect for men. Have some self control you gremlins. Damn I’m so glad I’m not a man ruled by sexual urges. How weak
Gee Sara, that’s not a very progressive attitude. Imagine if I made such comments about other groups in society… “It’s not very feminine to be hunched over a twinkie, eating compulsively”… “it’s not very manly to have sex with other men”… “it’s not very black to be…. whatever”. Can you imagine the shrieks from the progressives if I said those things.
Fred, you have actually made a lot of comments like that.
Women seeing porn may cause self-esteem issues. You are never told how you are supposed to have sex. Seeing pornstars in these movies may make you think that is how it’s all supposed to happen. To make it even worse, men now are expecting their women to be just like these porn stars. Most people end up disappointed because it’s not what they expected. Maybe some women can be like the great porn stars, but I would say most women are not and they may be discouraged when they cannot perform to the level that they believe they need to. Men could be angry that their partner isn’t being the top pornstar and break up with people, like you had said about Luis. Women don’t want to be actresses, they want to be relaxed and not have to focus too much on what’s going on. You lose the pleasure part of it.
Women that continue to fake and not tell their partner how they really want it are it helping the situation. You need to correct them and let them know that not everyone is going to do crazy pornstar movies like they want.
I always thought watching an excessive amount of porn when you have a girlfriend is a little offensive when not doing it together. I am someone who is always down with having sex with my boyfriend anytime and crave it just as much as he does. My ex boyfriend was never fully satisfied having sex with me and always went back to watching porn and would basically choose that over having sex with me. I would even come up with new fun interesting ways so that he would have sex with me, but it never lasted. It made me feel really insecure and make me feel like I could not compete with these big breasted barbie dolls and that I just wasn’t attractive enough, so even when we did have sex I felt very insecure on how I looked during. I had to say it was the worst feeling.
Thank you for sharing your experience with this. I’m glad that you are now in a really positive relationship!
I think that it is really unfortunate what porn has done to sex, and more importantly intimacy. If the list of expectations men had of women wasn’t long enough we can add a barrage of humiliating and sometimes downright creepy sex acts to that already exhausting lineup. As a trans woman, however, I must say a lot of my perceived sexuality as a woman, as it relates to men and sex, can be almost exclusively cued from any number of representations of trans women in either porn or in escort ads. So, for me, I guess in some ways this isn’t really new. I’ve had to learn, the hard way, to push through and find lovers and partners who I can explore with in a way where I don‘t feel fetishized.
Also, I have had to really balance my own sexual desires and wants and needs with my own feminist views and I have found that balancing act to be quite tricky to reconcile in my own head. For the longest time I had the perceptions that engaging in sex acts that might fall into the category of porneqsue were directly in violation of me feeling like an empowered woman. I think that it is important to note that acting out some of the kinks that might be evident in porn can be empowering – but only if you’re doing so out of your own desires. I want to implore women to have the same expectations men have for us in the bedroom: to please one another. I only engage with partners who talk openly about sex – and I feel like it’s super important to communicate my desires with the person that I am with. I have no problems dressing up like a naughty nurse – but, best believe he’s going to be decked out in a full Fireman’s costume the next time I want to role-play. The best lovers understand the give and take of pleasing their partners and if you settle for anything less, you are selling yourself short.
First and foremost, great article Ms. Platts! This topic, in particular, compelled me because I remembered talking to you after class about “how porn has the potential to desensitize a person from actual sex”. In some sense, this particular article addresses another concern that derives from pornography— in redefining men’s perception of women and expectations from women. In short, porn is supposed to function as an aid for stimulation and enhance sexual pleasure, however, the vast majority of men that view porn take everything they see as “instructions and advice”. This would certainly influence a male’s view towards women and ultimately objectifies women further more. In articles like this, I fully understand the impact porn has on males all the way back when I was in elementary school. A casual conversation within a group of boys revolved around topics like “big d*cks” “her huge t*ts” and pondering on what it is like to have sex with a girl. (Remember, this all happened when I was 6 years old). To think that young boys from an early age already objectify women and praise porn baffles me to this day. Quite frankly, all the boys that I grew up with that talked about those topics are even more extreme about it now. They still have expectations and fantasies of having sex with a curvy, chest-heavy woman and seem to be worry free of other things. It is also sad how porn even affects the criteria of relationships and activity of sexual incourse itself. Break ups occur sometimes because of men being extremely disappointed of their partner “not wanting” to be ejaculated in the face or participate in anal sex. Porn also diminishes the actual experience of sex itself because high expectations are set and sex is no longer performed in the intention of expressing love and affection— only pure pleasure. Overall, it is very sad how porn has affected our society in such a dramatic way. Not only does porn objectify women beyond belief, but it sadly also has the power to redefine our views and preferences that will be carried on for future generations to “accept”. If we all bring awareness and act on it now, however, it could be stopped. Great article!
Sad how porn can create expectations that end up hurting men and women.
People are now introduced to sexual activities from an early age. With the expansion and easy access of pornography, younger kids especially boys, are now learning about sex without their parents’ consent. They develop this habit through adulthood and turn it into a fantasy. Since the mind learns by mimicking what it sees, guys learn about sex through images and expect women to perform like porn stars. On the other hand, women are regulated by society to be objects of men’s sexual gratification. Therefore they go above and beyond to please men by imitating the porn stars. Some women sacrifice their own pleasure to satisfy their partner. They act like they enjoy certain sexual activities for fear to lose their men. However some women take pleasure in in acting and being compared to porn stars and what they represent to men: fantasy, mastery of the sexual act and escape from the world. Those types of women could be described as “the narcissist in Simone De Beauvoir’s “The Second sex”.
The following passage illustrates it well “Being made object, lo, she becomes an idol in which she recognizes herself with pride” (The Second Sex 350).
My motto: If it works for you, have some fun. If it doesn’t, you don’t have to do it!
I personally have never been in a relationship with a man who excessively watches porn. I believe the easy access to porn puts strain on relationships because the true meaning of love making is diminished. Making love requires two individuals to be emotionally connected with one another in order to feel the great sensation the intercourse brings. In my opinion, watching porn taints the mind because most women do not enjoy all the things you see in a porno.
Being addicted to porn is just as bad as being addicted to alcohol. Porn gives the brain an unnatural high because of the large amount of dopamine that is released in the brain. Over time the brain discontinues producing dopamine, which in turn causes the individual to want more, but is unable to reach a level of satisfaction. The desire to watch porn increases and causes issues within sexual relationships. Porn is a very dangerous addiction that many people may not even know about.
“Porn gives the brain an unnatural high because of the large amount of dopamine that is released in the brain.”
If porn is releasing more dopamine than having sex, clearly you aren’t doing it right.
If sexual imagery releases dopamine, clearly that is a _natural_ function of the brain, not an unnatural one, unlike alcohol.
I believe that pornography can actually affect the wives or girlfriends of the men who watch it and can hurt their relationship as a whole. From what I’ve read and what I’ve seen happen in close friends’ relationships, men who watch a lot of pornography start to spend less time with their families, become more distracted, devalue their marriages or relationships, and start criticizing their partners’ bodies and characters. Women after knowing about their men’s pornography use can experience embarrassment and humiliation that can turn the relationship upside down. Wives will start to become more disconnected and isolated from their partners. In addition, it can cause of sense of betrayal and can cause distrust in the relationship. Women will then feel the need to keep checking their partner’s cell phones, computers, laptops, or other electronic devices. Women either feel angry or depressed that they can’t meet their partners’ needs therefore they use pornography. Men’s pornography use can really affect their women, as partners, or the relationship as a whole.
After reading many of these comments, I really feel the need to share my experience with my current boyfriend. My boyfriend started as long distance. One of his morning routines is watching porn in the bathroom on his phone. He also watches throughout the day whenever he’s bored. We’ve always been very open with each other, and I knew before we even started dating that he’s into some heavy fetishes: waterplay, beastiality… In truth, a few of his fetishes and the sites he frequents, (motherless.com) make me uncomfortable, but he isn’t the type to force or manipulate me into doing anything I don’t want to do.
I never really considered the frequency of his viewing porn to be a problem, until I came across a study done on overconsumption of porn and its negative effects. I never understood why he was so different in bed from my other lovers (men who watched porn far less frequently), until I read that article.
I’ll never forget when I first went to meet him. We had been talking for over a year prior to the meeting. He was such a gentlemen. He never said anything inappropriate, which of course turned me on beyond belief. I finally initiated a sexual relationship over the phone, and we were dating soon after. He knew exactly what to say to turn me on. He would whisper all the things he would do to me and I truly believed that when I met him, it’d be the best sex of my entire life. Then I met him. We kissed, I went down on him, then he lied back in bed with his hands behind his head, waiting for me to crawl up and please him. The sex of our entire 2 year relationship has mimicked that night.
I have spent exactly 1 year and 2 months physically with him, and during that time he has received countless BJ’s, hours of me riding him, and 90% of the time, I initiate. I try to make him feel sexy. I’m that woman that is guilty of acting like a porn star to please him. I wear deep red lipstick, put on my glasses, go down on him and tell him to cum on my face. It turns me on to turn him on…. But he is not the same.
Most of the time it goes like this: I go down on him, he finishes and its done. Other times, he’ll pull me on top of him before he finishes, and we’re done. He’s gone down on me 4 times this relationship (I’m cleanly and shaved, lol). He says it’s because his tongue gets soo tired. I might believe this, but then, I have to ask him to rub me. Even after I ask, it’s like he’s doing it out of obligation… It seems like he cant wait till I cum and its over. I’ve told him just this and he said that it was “something he needed to work on because it’s not the first time he’s been told”. I honestly don’t think that he doesn’t want to please me, but that it’s just ingrained in him that it’s unnecessary.
I’ve told him what I need in every way possible… Subtle, to incredibly blunt, but he’s still not understanding. Ive never experienced this before. All the other men I’ve been with have been eager to please. They’ve understood that sex with a woman is not just penetration, then leaning back and asking her if she came.
Other men that I’ve dated have watched porn, but they haven’t watched it everyday, religiously. I’m really starting to believe that this is the reason.
I was flipping through videos on a porn site not too long ago, and I realized something. Sex with my boyfriend was exactly like all of these boring videos. Girl goes down on guy. Guy has sex with girl. Girl screaming. Guy finishes. Finite.
Thus is not the only problem that leads me to believe that porn is an issue. Those articles about the negative effects of porn also all pointed out that overconsumption leads to ED, and less interest in your woman. My boyfriend has trouble sometimes staying hard. My boyfriend has refused me, and went into the bathroom and watched porn.
I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve asked him to not cut porn, but limit his viewing to one or two videos. I think lessening the images of nude women in explicit acts may help things, but part of me believes he won’t even try. He told me that he doesn’t believe porn is the problem. He is the way he is because of his many food intolerances and their effect on his body. I want to believe him but this just makes more sense to me.
Thanks for sharing. I hope you don’t mind if I use this in a blog post, Or as a blog post sometime — or both.
Some guys care enough about having sex with real women that they are motivated to give up porn. I guess he’s not there, at least yet.
But it seems that he really believes what he sees on porn, which suggests that the guy’s pleasure is all that matters. And that it doesn’t take much for women to come.
I guess you have to ask yourself 1) what you want in a sexual relationship and if there is anything you can do to get him there, 2) what he’s willing to give and 3) whether you are better off with or without him.
I entirely agree with your argument. Men’s impressions of sex have become skewed by watching porn. Their idea of what women should look like and how women should act during sex is strongly influenced by the acting they see in porn. Porn is a fantasy created by men, for men. According to porn, women should fulfill men’s desires and not the other way around. Porn is a completely unrealistic and misogynistic portrayal of sex. Because of porn, men expect, or at least hope, that women will live up to the standards created by these actresses. This makes women have to decide between fulfilling their partner’s fantasies and preserving their own dignity.
I have watched porn with my boyfriend before and our opinions of it could not be more different. He thought it was sexy. I thought it gross, sad, and even funny at times (the acting is so bad it’s amusing), but definitely not sexy. The difference is that women value the emotional aspect of sex and men are perfectly satisfied with just the physical aspect.
In addition, women, unlike men, don’t expect men to be exactly like the love interests in romance novels or chick flicks. Women, somehow, are capable of preventing fantasy from influencing their expectations of reality. However, we do expect men to be as chivalrous and considerate as these fictional men and is that so wrong? Sex is supposed to satisfying for both partners. It should be like a dance, both people contributing and benefitting equally, not like a musician playing an instrument. I think most men will find sex more rewarding that way anyway! I shouldn’t have to do ridiculous sex acts that I don’t get any pleasure from to satisfy my boyfriend. Women should demand that their needs be met and say “no” when their boyfriend asks them to do something that they don’t feel comfortable with. If men don’t like it, then maybe they should just stick to watching porn.
Thank you for sharing!
I’ve always had the idea that porn is going to end up ruining everything! Like this post explains, young kids are getting the sex-ed their schools aren’t properly giving them through cheap internet porn. It is extremely easy to access porn, especially for young kids who have grown up with the internet.
Also, I’ve read a couple of interviews from porn actresses who have said to absolutely hate their jobs. One wouldn’t expect them to say the opposite, but I wouldn’t have believed that they would end up being traumatized and in constant fear, like Shelley Lubben, former porn actress, said:
“As we continue to traumatize ourselves by making more adult films, we use more and more drugs and alcohol. We live in constant fear of catching AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases.”
So not only does porn have terrible consequences for those who watch it, but it is also really hurtful for those who participate in it. Obviously, the industry is extremely profitable, but at what cost? It damages everyone involved in it, in one way or another. Which is why I hate porn!
WOW. Thanks so much for sharing that.
Porn is like any other movie that we see, there are actors and actresses doing their job. They are there for entertainment so we can enjoy what we are seeing. Men tend to want to create what they see in porn while the women not so much. It must be really difficult to keep up with porn stars if you’re a girl. Women shouldn’t even compare themselves to porn stars because if they do then all of them will look identical and there wouldn’t be many choices to choose from. Porn is objectifying women by treating them with no respect by spitting or peeing on them. If I were a girl I wouldn’t enjoy being spit or peed on.
I don’t get why men really think what they watch on porn site reflect any reality. It’s just an act, we all know that the women over exaggerate so how can they expect their girlfriend to do some of the stuff they see. Porn create this prison in the men’s mind where they can fantasize all they want but when they end up in reality it might be disappointing. Objectifying women is not something they should be proud of wanting. Now if the women agree to play the game that’s another story, but it’s important that they discuss with their partner.
I honestly believe pornography should not be available online. In my last relationship pornography was an issue for me. I caught my ex-boyfriend watching porn various times, without him knowing I knew. At the beginning of our relationship everything was perfect, I felt so confident. The first time I saw he had been watching porn, I took it as something normal but then I saw that he would watch porn everytime I would leave. This was when I started to loose my confidece. My ex-boygriend and I know each other really well, or so I thought, but the thought of him watching other women bodies “better than mine,” while I was undressing or during intercourse, it made me feel shy. There were times when I would be having sex with him but my mind/thouughts weren’t fully there.
I would stress myself thinking about what was he doing when I wasn’t there or who he would lookk at. I was so tired of feeling this way that I just decided to break up with him. I never told him why, probably it was a stupid reaso but I wasn’t going to be comfortable knowing my boyfriend watches porn after I leave his room. Knowing this brought so many different thoughts to my head and I just wasn’t comfortable with him.
I believe that when men watch porn, they change their perspective towards their partner because they might feel their partner isn’t doing enough during intercourse.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience.
I always have wondered how a man can be towards a women while watching sex. is it that he wants to watch porn or wants his partner to do just what the women is doing? I found my answer, most men get a good feeling while watching porn or just wants to have the same experience as what he is watching but at the same time if a women can do as what he watched,it cant be the same because he wants her to be and do things that she’s unfamiliar with. I guess through this article I learned that man have different ways of wanting sex and how porn can make them want sex in a specific way. Many men also see desirable women and just see that women having great pleasure but its a porn video, so the actress must be getting paid to be very seductive and wanting. Also sex videos and internet sites are free so hey have more chances to watch and enjoy porn. every men is different but I guess porn can be a reason why man want the pleasure experience as they see in videos but they are professional actors they can pretend to enjoy when they don’t.
it seems like the problem with porn is not porn itself. Adults are free to engage in any kind of sex they like and morally, I see nothing wrong with it. Unfortunately, the problem is with the porn industry, the types of movies they make and who it targets. Men are the overwhelming majority when it comes to consumers of porn and because that is the market, the focus is only going to be on marketing to men which, unfortunately, tends to objectify the women involved. Watching porn is a behavior that could become addictive and it has societal implications if we have a generation of men who is addicted to pornography of which the content doesn’t necessarily respect women. This can become expected of all sexual experiences and lead to a less gratifying sex life for the consumer of porn himself. This is a problem with consumerism and the degradation of women is a side effect in this case, which is wrong. Although it may be difficult to find a group of people to lobby for fair porn…
Yeah. You probably just have to get people thinking about the issue. Help women to know that they don’t have to compete. And help those men who don’t already get it, To get that.
Have you ever watched the movie “Don Jon”?? This post totally reminds me of it, for those that haven´t watched it, the movie is about a guy that is completely obsessed with porn, no girl or woman, including Scarlett Johansson, satisfied him more than an exotic video.
Anyways, it has been ages since guys have been in the need to recur to certain methods to satisfy their necessities, call it cabaret, strip cubs, magazines, brothels. It´s and has never been a secret that most of them have certain preferences. As the times have changed, women have done it as well, but in many cultures, religions, etc., sexual matters are full of taboos, therefore that subject can have many varieties just as it can be banned, it can also be an open and free subject. I do believe that there should be a balance in between both sides, not all women can have tremendous bodies, huge orgasms, or even wear sexy clothes in the daily life, or being a total nun. I support for personal experience Mark Franco´s comment above, where he mentions that porn helps couples, and also the post “Sex Is Better When She Likes It,” where he states that he dislikes when his girlfriend tries to yawn as a porn star because she thinks he enjoys it. I think historically women has been put in a situation where too much is expected from her, as it is taking care of house, kids, so and so, but since we only live once, I would say like my 8 year old buddies (surprisingly) sing, “Talk like a men, F**k like a woman,” (don´t ask me where they got it!). We don´t really need to compete with Porn Stars, we can learn from them too!
I do believe that pornography alters the minds of those who watch it. I have had sexual encounters where my partner would want to do something they had seen in a porn film. And when I asked why they wanted to those things their response was always somewhere in the lines of “because it’s dirty”. This makes me wonder if people actually want to be a part of this “extreme” form of pleasure because they like it, or if they simply want to try it because they believe that it will bring them the most pleasure. Although I am not very educated on the types of pornography there are, but I have yet to encounter one in which the sex act is not “rough” or “extreme”. In fact, I have yet to encounter one where sex doesn’t end up on the man ejaculating on either the woman’s face or somewhere on the woman’s body. It would only be normal for men to want to experience those types of sexual acts. It is more common for men to get their ideas about sex through porn films, while woman get their ideas of sex through sex scenes in television shows and movies. The types of sexual acts on these are for the most part completely opposite. Men learn to want to be “rough” and be more extreme through watching porn films. While woman are learning that sex should be full of passion and romantic.
The solution then is….Balance and compromise. Sometimes you do what he likes and sometimes he does what you like. Balance and compromise rather than selfishness and manipulation. That’s the key to a happy long term relationship with the opposite sex. When it comes to sex, if you think that both you and your spouse have the same drive, desire and disposition…your wrong…What that means is that one of you or both of you have learned to compromise for the sake of the other. Many times, its just one of you that’s doing most of the compromising, Ideally it should be 50/50 so that resentment doesn’t manifest.
Nothing is a coincidence, the other day on netflix I watched a documentary on pornstars called, After Porn Ends. It got me wondering if intimacy was the same after for these porn stars, if it is difficult for them to get out of that acting mentality and be natural, feel love and that strong connection you feel when sharing that bond with your significant other. Now when I read this blog I thought of two things; those who are porn stars and myself. I will confess and there is no shame in my game when I say that I watch porn once in a while. As I watch it I can’t help but to think about the pressure on both men and women porn stars and how degrading porn can be especially to female pornstars. Now in my own intimate life I have experience ex-boyfriends who would display “porn-like” characteristics. For example wanting to ejaculate on my face or wanting to do all these crazy kinky things that personally I was not willing to do. I felt as if I was being part of a porn I had seen before and I was not for it. As the article stated I want and wanted that “nourishing and substantive” feeling when making love not that empty feeling that a porn star would probably feel.
This topic resonates with my life so much because of the previous relationships I had. I have an ex-boyfriend who would watch porn consistently and would try to keep it a secret from me. One day, I ended up finding out about his search history on his phone and confronted him about it. I had to admit that I felt a little jealous and kind of grossed out. I felt that I wasn’t good enough because he had to resort to watching other women while he was pleasuring himself. Porn changes men’s dispositions towards sex and towards what is “sexy”. Nowadays, we see women exposing themselves more and are more sexualised because of the type of standards that porn has created. Such as exposing more skin, always having make-up on and so on.It truly is sad to know that someone’s beauty is always measured by what we see with our eyes. The topic of pornography can also say a whole lot of feminism. I don’t think that women are ever going to stop being objectified when there are other women in the world who do not care about being objectified. Same goes for feminism. Women are never going to be treated equally as men when some women choose to become degraded at some level. Not saying that porn is degrading or anything but in actuality, in order to be equal to men,some women should prove that they’re just not always going to be disposable,and that we are beautiful without being naked .
I absolutely think that the increase in porn has had a negative impact on relationships or just sex in general. Sex seems to be more one sided with little to no thought on what the other person is feeling. In addition there is a very high expectation for both the man and the woman to have sex like porn stars which is just not realistic and leaves both people feeling unsatisfied and insecure. Sex is losing its meaning and potency as porn becomes more readily available and accepted as a normal activity.
WOW! We’re heading towards a scary new world. Look, this is a continuation of the whole phenomenon we’re seeing with the incredible success of internet porn. It all appeals to the baser/basic/primitive instincts that men have. For the first 90% of human evolution, humans were hunter gatherers and sex was basically a no-strings-attached event that happened between males and females in a non-monogamous, multiple-partner setting were it would have been impossible to determine the offspring’s paternity (not that anyone cared anyway). The resulting offspring was raised by the whole “group/tribe”. When humans transformed from hunter-gatherers to farmers and started setting up agricultural communities, everything changed. Humans began forming monogamous pair-bonds and the world’s religions and social/political systems started to organize and impose social and moral laws. But we’ve only been living like this for the last 10% of our evolution. The other 90% still has a strong pull on us. In fact, the shift away from hunter-gather as well as the creation of our laws and religious/moral codes that have been set up during that last 10% of our evolution are there to get us to suppress these primitive drives and desires so that we can live in this advanced society and spend our time thinking about other things beside food and sex. Men will always revert to these desires if society says it is OK. Internet porn has become mainstream so men now think it is OK to go there and get their no-strings-attached sexual thrills. But masturbating in front of a computer screen is quite pathetic and can never really match the experience of being with an actual woman….. Hmmm…maybe he’ll go and visit a prostitute (world’s oldest profession right?)…..sure, if he’s not afraid of catching a sexually transmitted disease or being arrested by the police for soliciting a prostitute….. I know…… lets make a robot that looks and feels like an actual woman. No commitments, no nagging, physical beauty that never fades, no risk of pregnancy or disease and most important of all…Always ready for sex. Watch the move “Stepford Wives”. You will understand (yet another example of fiction setting the stage for reality). The robots referenced in the previous post are a very powerful combination that allow men to feed their primal instincts with the help of modern technology. Remember, we formed modern societies in order to free ourselves from the daily search for food. The trade off was that we were forced to create social and religious laws in order to live in these new societies. These societies formed the framework which allowed us the time and luxury to put our brains to work on inventing technology to simplify our lives and advance the human race. This is very interesting because it seems like we’ve advanced so far that we’ve created the technology which allows us to go back and feed our primitive needs again.
Yeah, I’ve seen the Stepford Wives. If it actually reflected reality it would be a pretty sorry commentary on men. I saw it more as a metaphor.
I’ve noticed that people tend to think that however they are is how everyone else is. There’s actually A general preference for monogamy in our society. And it looks like that preference started earlier in human evolution than was first realized: https://broadblogs.com/2013/08/12/women-want-betas/
But if you want women to be more sexual, then you should work to have a less sexually repressive society for women to live in.
Where this world is going to?
Thanks. I’ll have to blog on this. Reminds me of A bit of the movie, “Her.”
In the movie “Her”, ‘she’ was a software that was used for talking and connecting. These androids were created for uses other than talking.
I mean the one dimensionality of it — something’s missing by missing the whole person. Akin to this:
Sex minus Emotion; Emotion minus Sex
You are right. In those case is about humans not connecting fully.
But we have gone one step further. Now humans can have sex without the need of another human.
All we need is an android that never says no.
It’s very disturbing seeing how alienated humans will be in the near future.
Talking through social networks, playing online video games, watching porn, having sex with androids.
And if they are with an android, they aren’t connecting with a human, like in “Her.” So they are missing out on a lot.
(In “Her” the guy had a chance to have sex with the body of a young woman, while having sex with a mind of his operating system. And he couldn’t do it. It was just too weird. Something was missing. Also, more than 70% of both women and men say they prefer sex in a relationship over sex with someone they don’t know. Chances are, they would rather have sex with someone they don’t know than with an android — hmmm, maybe I’ll add that point to the blog post.)
Real women competing with porn stars? This is very true and sucks for women not for the men of course …. i feel like ya when you do watch porn thats what sex is and when we watch it it you think oh ya thats how it has to be… when i have sex come to think of it yes i kind of act out things I’ve seen or what pornstars do because its what we think men like which is wrong. i definitly think men who over consume porn or just watch it all the time think sex is like that when ya it can be sometimes but its not its an act so men can become disappointed. women shouldn’t have to compete, sex should be about deep intimacy and emotion not just moaning and pulling hair and other fetishes ….
There is trend which is growing in giant leaps. “Hotwifing” (look it up). Jealousy and possessiveness apparently are becoming a thing of the past for men. You would think that is a good thing. Trust me, when you learn about Hotwifing you will long for the days when men were jealous and possessive. Basically, now many men are experiencing a paradigm shift or awakening of sorts and suddenly they have become aware of the huge rush of emotions they can feel when they see their wife or long-term girlfriend having sex with other men. Apparently, these men have learned to take this powerful negative emotion and channel it in a positive direction which becomes a huge sexual turn-on for them. It is like a drug to men. There are web-sites dedicated to this lifestyle and many books have been written about this phenomenon. When I first heard about this, I thought that this was yet another trend that pornography had conditioned men to enjoy because the most popular genre of pornography is still the type that depicts one or more men having sexual intercourse with one woman which means that men, given the enormous options they have available to them with porn, still like the visual of seeing a woman having sex with a man (or several men). But apparently, there is something more to this. Something more deep and primal. There is a theory amongst evolutionary biologists called “Sperm Competition” (look it up).
I still think that pornography has had a lot to do with this trend because it has made men aware they get turned on when they see a woman that they find attractive having sex with other men and that is something that men just weren’t really exposed to that much before pornography. Anyway, the problem is that men are putting a lot of pressure on their wives to become “slut” wives and this may work for some women but I think that the majority of women will find this repulsive. Long term relationships are being destroyed by this. It seems that once men get this thought in their head, they are hooked and obsessed. Of course there are women that try it and end up loving the lifestyle but I’m guessing that is a minority.
This might be a good topic for a whole new blog.
I honestly think that porn should not exist. One, because if you’re in a relationship you should be satisfied with your partner and not looking up some other sexy girl on the internet, your basically cheating. And second, people (mostly guys) tend to get bad ideas from these videos. I have never been in a relationship where my boyfriend looked up porn on the internet, but if I did I definitely would feel uncomfortable about it because I would feel that he is not satisfied enough with me and so he has to watch other sexy women show their bodies off. I would definitely feel like I was competing with someone on the internet, and for any woman in a relationship that is not a pleasant feeling.
I think this is a huge problem facing our society. And it seems to be only getting worse and worse. However, although I understand why I feel as though this article makes it seem like only men are being brainwashed into believing life is one big porn video. I might be wrong but I kind of feel like women are also being brainwashed by the porn industry. Our expectations (both men and women) are ridiculous. We expect “things” too look a certain way and feel a certain way. The porn industry is effectively endangering the need for human relationships. Why invest Tim, money and feelings into a date when you can just skip right to the good stuff in the comfort of your own home by yourself for free. I just hope that despite the media streaming all this garbage into our minds that there are still people out there that still believe in real feelings, connections, and emotions. I hope there are still people that realize that relationships are hard work and that there are two people in it. That means two sets of needs, it means that you have to work together to make sure the other person is happy as well as much as possible. Generational gaps are starting to become more and more apparent. I feel that sometime in the near future not only will marriage be extinct but the mere idea of meaningful relationships will cease to exist
I agree with you Melissa. I’ve been saying for quite some time now that the institution of marriage will come to an end. I see a majority of kids in their late teens and twenties hooking up with someone and having a baby without ever even thinking of the possibility of getting married. They look at half of the adults around them and see the misery that marriage can bring to some couple’s life. And one of the reasons for this misery is precisely what we’re discussing above. SEXUAL BOREDOM AND DISINTEREST BY BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE. It should be mandatory for couples to have pre-marriage education and counseling that would help us better understand the opposite sex. This seems extremely simplistic but the reality is that no matter how men and women act in the beginning of their relationship, in the long run, men just want mostly sex and women just want love, romance, understanding, compassion, respect and support. Did I mention that men just want sex?
Hmmm, what do you make of this info?
Sex Gets Better With Age?
Hookup Culture
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?
Women, what is our role in the bed room? And who should be setting the guide lines for this role? Even as I write this I find it interesting to use the word role. Men have this preconceived idea/fantasy of what role a women is in the bed room. This role that they hold in their thoughts is porn star. They want sex with no limitation geared towards their desires and shouting and screaming, climaxing at just a tickle, bodily fluids in and on places that it just shouldn’t go, and of course all being attributed to his excellent love making skills. This role is unrealistic among other things. If and when we women play this role, that is in fact all it really is a roll. I went around and asked my guy fiends what their first experience with sex was and what avenue was used. Not to my surprise they all answered it was porn. Pron is where they got their first glimpse of sex. No wonder men have an unreal expectation, right from the get go they are exposed to unrealistic situations of women in sex.
There is so much pressure form men to be the porn star they wan tin the bedroom, even to the point as brought out in the blog that they will break up with us if we don’t preform certain acts. And then us women put a pressure on our self to be this porn star in the bed room, in fear of being viewed as boring in the bedroom and thus produce the fear that our man will go and find someone else that is not a bore. This is all a negative vibe in the relationship. Yes us women will do these acts or at lest some of these acts in order to please our man, or in order to not lose our man. But guys lets be real here, no lady I know enjoys getting a certain bodily fluid everywhere or on her face or worse by accident (or so we are told) in the eye. We do not scream out at just the slightest touch or look at your manhood. And we most certainly don’t climax with just one thrust or two. We are not pron stars! Even pron stars have sex differently when not on film. I watched a documentary called After porn, one of the girls on there mentioned that every relationship she had after a career in porn, the guy wanted the girl he saw in the pron and she express that this left her felling hurt, she was not the girl in the porno movie, she did not like having sex in that way.
So here we are us women, in this insane situation of faking it for our guys, playing the role of porn star, when in fact we might not be enjoying all the porn star tasks at hand, and then once we are playing our role we have to trick our man to trick our man into believing all that we preformed was real and we loved it. We are setting ourselves up for resentment and fake emotions in our relationships. But Porn set the stage for us, and now we find our selves with two choices act our asses off or be a bore in the bedroom. We are between a rock and a hard place when we are between the sheets.
When I first read this, it actually hurt more than I thought it would because it made me realize how real this is. The idea that there’s not only this outer ideal to be like models and celebrities but also this constant competition with sexually perfect porn stars men grow up with. This over-consumption is literally leading to the myth that those porn stars are real and that “I” should be like that in order to be what a man wants. Men want THAT – that porn fantasy. Like any sort of ideal it hurts to have to live up to, especially when one wants nothing more but to please whoever they’re with. It seems to me that there are only two really hard options to choose from when dealing with this image: (1) put on this act and remain unhappy or, (2) try to find someone who doesn’t buy into it.
I know I’ve personally thought a lot about trying to appear “sexually experienced” or “sexually adept” yet without appearing “sluttish” because it almost seems like porn stars are just naturally good at what they do. They not only pose this passionately wild side but also this incredible ability to do just about anything their partner wants. It’s interesting because in a society where “slut shaming” is so big, this porn ideal is also admired. Sounds a bit contradicting since I highly doubt all porn stars start out like they appear.
It’s actually kind of funny because I’ve also questioned whether or not I’m correct in liking or disliking what I do because of these ideals. If I don’t howl or moan at the sight of a man’s package or enjoy any of the above listed ideals then I wonder where I stand compared to other women. Since I’ve also seen some of the extreme things that porn stars have done and have bought into this idea that men want only THAT, I wonder if other average women are like the porn stars and if it’s just me who isn’t as “open” or “adept” as they are.
One thing’s for sure though. If porn really is as fake as movies and magazines, it sure as hell doesn’t feel good to have to live up to any of it.
The fact that porn is way easier to get/ watch is surprising but at the same time not surprising. Not only can you get porn from like porn sites you can also get it off social media (like tumblr). I know many people who watch it – guys and girls – and they say its hot and what not. But I’ve also heard girls talk about how they watch it because in a way they feel “more experienced” with what to do in bed. Some people view porn as a bad thing because it degrades “real” women and many men and some women compare who they’re sleeping with to a porn star. It is not fair for men and women to compare who their sleeping with to a porn star because what is shown on video is like a one time thing. Whereas people who are sleeping with each other is usually more than a one time thing. This just shows how porn can change the mind of different people.
It’s important to remember most things are fine when taken in moderation. If you’re expecting big booty busty babes in your daily sex life then you’re probably watching to much porn. That being said relationships can be strengthened through exploration as it allows for more insight into your partner’s nature and personality. All of this is based on trust. They great thing about trust and love, if we’re talking about sex in relationships, is that it does not stem from expectations. If you expect things to be a certain way you’re going to have a bad time, while if you and your partner are willing to try new things together there is really no harm in it.
I’d be put off by a woman behaving like porn star slut bag in the bedroom. The relationship probably wouldn’t last, and may end right there. I’ve been there and done that. It was a fun experience, but I need a woman that has some self respect in and out of the bedroom. Experimenting with different things is cool, keeping things interesting is great, but she honestly doesn’t have gag on me.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I’m really concerned about this younger generation growing up now with iPhones and their own tablets with 24 hour pornography access. how are kids going to view sex when they are seeing hardcore pornagraphy before they have even kissed someone? I went to a talk about pornography a few years ago and the man was saying how they are finding now that some young teenage boys think pubic hair is something only men get because of all they have viewed online. When they eventually get a girlfriend they think something is wrong with her because she has pubic hair – like a man! It’s disturbing. I’m sure boys have always tried to sneak a look at their dads or uncles Playboy magazine but unlimited access to hard core images and videos on a phone or tablet 24 hours a day is worrying.
Thanks for your input.
I written on this a bit. For example:
Men, Women & Internet Porn
Men Finding Fewer Women “Porn-Worthy”
Should Women Give Men The Porn-Star Experience?
Real Women Competing With Porn Stars
Real Men Competing With Porn Stars
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
And a glimmer of hope:
Guys Are Getting More Romantic
Guys Just Wanna Have Relationships?
Guys: Romantic? Or Just Want One Thing?
I wonder how many female pornography directors exist in the industry. The main target audience for the pornography is men. The filmmaker will make a film that sells well. They portray something their customers like. Therefore, I assume most of porn related products are produced by men. I don’t know which comes first: if the image of porn star was created based on many men’s fantasized image, or many men fantasize the porn because they see it on a film. I don’t judge the guy if he likes to check out the pornography. But, I am not interested in acting like a porn star. I don’t need to share his fantasy world. I believe there are plenty of other things we can enjoy together even if we skip acting like a porn star part.
Whether we like it or not, men have always enjoyed these things. Just look at much of the ancient art from every corner of the world and you will see depictions of men and women involved in acts that you would assume people weren’t into thousands of years ago like anal sex, threesomes, orgies, oral sex, gay and lesbian sex, etc. Humans, especially males, have always been fascinated and obsessed with sex and with pushing societal norms and boundaries. That’s just the way it is. During the dark ages our sexuality was suppressed just like technology and science were suppressed but I think that ever since we came out of the dark ages, we’ve started evolving again as the highly inquisitive, experimental and adaptable species that we truly are. What you are comfortable with a sexually is all a matter of perspective. This seems to be the new reality. It looks like another milestone in human evolution where we are seeing the meaning of “survival of the fittest” (or most adaptable). There are women out there that do enjoy doing these things that men want in bed and these will be the women that will get to keep men satisfied in long term relationships and therefore reproduce and pass on their “porn star” genes.
I don’t know how common the things you describe were in the ancient world. Maybe you could send me some links.
I do know the following:
– Men’s fantasies have changed over the last few years since the advent of easily accessible porn. Men’s interest in threesomes are much more widespread now than they used to be. Men didn’t used to fantasize about masturbating onto their partner’s face or chest. And you tend to find sexuality that is tied to violence against women in patriarchal cultures– Not in all cultures. And many men are becoming increasingly bored by normal sex, because they’re so bombarded by it on the Internet these days, and they are seeking out more extreme things. So those are just a few things that come to mind in terms of changes.
– A lot of the change is moving in a direction that women find unappealing. Why would a woman enjoy having a man ejaculate onto her face or breasts? For most women anal sex is painful, not pleasurable. Women lack a clitoris in the throat, so oral sex isn’t necessarily pleasurable–and grosses out a lot of women. Threesomes can be distracting and emotionally painful for women (or for a lot of men, when it’s MFM). Why should women be expected to undergo displeasure, and pain, so that men can have unlimited pleasure? Why not do something everyone enjoys?
-Typically, men enjoy sex. It’s typically much easier for men than women to have an orgasm. Typically, it’s just not that hard for men to enjoy sex and have orgasms.
So why not do something they both enjoy, instead of something that is one-sided, with one person undergoing discomfort and pain so that the other person can have unlimited pleasure?
I can’t even imagine anyone wanting to have sex if means undergoing discomfort and pain.
Finally, take a look at this TED Talk video, describing the difficulty that men are increasingly having enjoying sex with real women when they are exposed to a lot of porn. It’s becoming such a huge problem for men that a lot of them are giving up porn voluntarily:
http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-what-happens-when-kids-grow-up-on-unlimited-access-to-pornography
Pornography is objectifying women so much that men have lost their sense of intimacy. Women become more like sex slaves to the demands of their partners. Men are not wanting relationships just a woman that can do all the things that porn stars will do. Sometimes the man will even want to watch pornography with the woman and make her act out all the stuff they see in the video. Men want their women to look more like the porn stars. Also, porn makes it hard for women to compete because there are things that porn stars are willing to do but the average women will not do because it will be a fetish that they are not into. Women will become depressed and wonder why they are not good enough or they will break boundaries that they are not wanting to because they don’t want to lose the man that they are with.
I agree that pornography ruins the meaning of sex and turns it into something fake and atrocious. It causes men to focus on the pleasure rather than the deep connection that sex should be. Although most men would prefer their woman to look like porn stars, they are focused on receiving the same pleasure in pornography. Watching fake actresses perform this blinds men from reality, which is what causes women to become insecure about themselves and their relationship. Personally I don’t think pornography should exist because it takes away the meaning of sex and is one of the reasons why women are perceived to be objects.
I think women should start treating men like sex objects and see how they like it.
My ex boy friend love watching pornography a lot; at first, i think it is okay for me. I feel like watching porn was his habit and as long as he knew that the girls inside the porn are not real and he would not try to compare me with them, then there will not be a problem. However, after staying with him for a while, I realized how porn had influence him and twisted his mind. When we are having some kind of intimacy and I am not reacting like the porn star, he asked what’s wrong with me. He expect that if he do what the male in the porn did, I will have the same reactions as the female pornstars. It was totally ridicules because pornography had manipulated him by sending him some incorrect sexual ideas.Moreover, he gradually become addictive to pornography as I cannot fulfil his desire. As a female, I think it is very humiliating. Pornography had controlled men’s sexual expectations towards women. I think it is okay for people to watch porn, but just as a kind of entertainment. But not trying to learn anything from it since most of the things inside are fake.
So sorry. I agree. And so does the guy who wrote this post. Check this out:
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
I thought this article was really interesting and touched on some good points. Many women feel like they are no good when it comes to sex because of pornography and what they think is expected. It is easily available and it is sending an unrealistic message to many men. These girls are acting and are all about pleasing the man only…Where is the intimacy? From personal experience, I have been turned off and offended when my boyfriend expected me to do something he watched in a video. He made me feel less of myself and not into him emotionally. I think men should limit their intake on porn and focus on realistic females.
I agree, that porn kind of sets the bar on sex and how women should look and act during it. I’ll have friends come up to me and say that they caught their boyfriends watching porn and that theyre scared that’s what their boyfriends looking for or that they themselves aren’t good enough.
Its hard not to think that way because most of the women that are pornstars have extremely big (yet most of the time fake) breast, a tiny waist and a huge ass. They don’t complain and in a way are like human sex dolls. Basically a sex Barbie and as we all know Barbie is not real. and some people need to keep this in mind.
As for the Luis guy who broke up with his girlfriend because she wasn’t too his standards, hes going to have a hard time finding that someone.
As a man I can tell you that men are not looking for women that look like the women they see in porn movies. However, I do agree that men do want the women in their lives to do the things they see in porn movies. I think porn just opens people’s eyes to new things that they would like to try. People should discuss these things very early on in their relationship because being in a relationship that is sexually unsatisfying is very difficult.
I saw the title of your blog and expected to get fired up because I’ve read so many articles today stating that porn stars are different from “real women.” But I find myself agreeing with you. First of all, as you wrote, “Even porn stars don’t behave that way at home.” And even more poignantly “We miss out on the deep, connected intimacy that brings so much meaning to relationship.” AMEN. I just read a related article written by a porn star https://www.slixa.com/under-cover/423-pornstars-and-the-real-girl and she accurately shares that our sexual education as a society is lacking, and so many of us learn about sexual positions and activities through some form of pornography. Negotiations, consent, safer sex — these are all aspects we hopefully pick up along the way through real life interactions as we fumble our way trying to find pleasure and fulfillment. Rather than talk about what we want, we hint at each other…and end up potentially disappointed.
Thanks for sharing. Looks like an interesting blog. I’m not sure whether you or someone else wrote the piece you linked to, but if you/that author are interested in doing a guest post over here on this topic and cross-posting back to your blog — or simply reposting that article with a link back to your blog — I’d be happy to do so. Otherwise, I’m happy to simply approve your comment with the link.
Experiencing this type of situation really puts sex into perspective.The expectations for the female performance during sex is so highly scewed from porn, that women have harder time actually enjoying sex. More often than not, talking to other girls even as teenagers, means complaining about the one-sided nature of it. Your quote, “We miss out on the deep, connected intimacy that brings so much meaning to relationship,” is important to note because I think a large part of sex is about making a connection on some kind of level, rather than almost just for the male orgasm which plagues most sexual relations. To further this topic, it would be interesting to research different generations of actively sexual people and compare attitudes toward sex from older generations. Was sex as much of a selfish game to young adults in the 1920’s as it is in today’s society?
I haven’t seen the research but my guess is that older generations won’t necessarily be better, but for a different reason. They were more repressed and patriarchal so women’s sex drive would be more repressed and lower – leaving the sexual experience unpleasant for many. And men back then could easily be just focused on the deed and not the emotional connection.
What I know today is that individuals differ, probably in the past– and definitely today. So you end up with different patterns – different categories of guys – and individual differences within those categories. Some guys are romantic and only want sex with emotional connection. Other guys are “Casanovas” who primarily care about their own pleasure– though some Casanovas also care about their partners’ pleasure because that often increases a guy’s pleasure and also reflects back on them as being great lovers, boosting their self-esteem. The guys who are most likely to be interested in one-way pleasure are guys who are trying to impress other guys with stories of their exploits: What they got a girl to do.
Those are the patterns I’m most aware of. There could be other situations I haven’t addressed.
See these posts:
How Guys Think About Sex & Dating
Getting Creeped Out to Fit In
Guys Are Getting More Romantic
Guys Just Wanna Have Relationships?
Why Some Guys Want to Screw You
I strongly agree that in today’s generation plenty men expect their woman to act like porn stars. Also, I believe because of this plenty women try to fit in pretending like they enjoy acting like porn stars. I actually consider it saddening how many women try and compete to be that type of person. Not good at all, if a man truly wants to be with you they wouldn’t expect any of that from you. Pretending to enjoy being like a porn star just to keep a man must be the stupidest thing ever because what happens when you grow out of “pretending to enjoy it.” There is quite a lot of downsides to it whether its divorce, loss of true value in oneself, etc. Coin flipped, pornography isn’t always bad. I believe in some relationships it might just spice things up a little but in other cases its probably over-pressuring one of the partners into doing things they don’t like. Which is why I believe you should always be yourself and not look so much into the media. Perhaps is just finding the type of partner that enjoys having you for YOU.
Pornography is another way that helps males to perform their masculinity, and supremacy over females.
All is about males playing the main role as a “chief commander” while females (as slaves) are putting into practice what is said in order to satisfy the master. And most females have internalized this kind of thought.
A real man won’t treat his partner the way a male porn star treats his.
I agree that men should also be able to give women what they want by being more emotionally connected. Of course. In order to have a successful relationship you have to please each other. But I have read all your comments above on this blog and haven’t seen anything coming from you (unless I have missed something) which indicates that you believe in this 50/50 give and take. Your comments indicate to me that you believe men are the problem and men need to do this or that or act a certain way. Would you be willing to agree that women need to also give men what men want in addition to men giving women what women want or do you believe that relationships can only work when men are catering to women’s needs but women don’t have to cater to men’s needs?
If someone were hating something that they were doing with me sexually, I would want them to stop immediately. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself if I thought they were enjoying themselves. So I can’t understand anyone wanting anything but mutual satisfaction. Surely there are sexual acts that you and your partner would both enjoy.
Yes. In a perfect world….. if you happen to be married to someone who is an exact copy of yourself. Those things happen in romance novels and movies which is why those movies are called “chick flicks” (FICTION). But in reality, people are all different from each other. Like fingerprints, no 2 people are exactly alike which is why the ability to compromise is so crucial to our happiness and survival. The ability to adapt and compromise is one of the best examples of higher intelligence.
Chick flicks are for women what porn is to men. Men have to endure watching chick flicks in order to spend quality time with the women they love so why shouldn’t women watch porn in order to spend “quality” time with the men they love? It’s called reciprocity. Men are the way they are and they like what they like. You can continue to bury your head in the sand or you can accept, understand and appreciate men for what we are and we will do the same for women…..RECIPROCITY
Actually, I know plenty of couples who both enjoy sex with each other, and even have personal experience with this.
If there’s a conflict I would suggest doing something that would help the both of you to mutually enjoy sex rather than have one person suffer so that the other one can have enjoyment. You can see a sex therapist or Google something in this area. But I’ve also posted a few things that could help in this area. See these posts for instance:
Turning on the Sex Goddess
How to Pleasure A Woman
Enticing a Woman’s Libido
Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?
What Women Want: Twilight
Orgasm: It’s All in the Mind
https://broadblogs.com/2010/12/06/orgasm-it%e2%80%99s-all-in-the-mind/
Going forward, the only thing that will work is being loving, sensitive, empathetic, and forgiving, and not hostile or controlling with your partner. Since you appear to want this more than your partner does, you’re the one who’s going to have to make more sacrifices. Because an unfortunate rule of relationships is that the person who cares least has more power.
Oh, and then there’s this one:
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
This is becoming a survival of the fittest situation. Society is experiencing a paradigm shift when it comes to sexuality. We are experiencing historical changes in human sexual evolution. Homosexuality is becoming accepted and even condoned in some circles. Swinging (spouse sharing) is also experiencing an amazing surge in popularity amongst couples throughout the world, especially in the most advanced and wealthy nations. We are evolving! Maybe we are not really changing as much as we are just getting in touch with parts of our sexuality that have been repressed because of religious and social fears. I’m not saying that this is good or bad. I’m just saying it is happening. Why is it a survival of the fittest situation as I mentioned above? Because we are now able to speak the truth and be ourselves, but some people don’t like the reality they are hearing from the other side. Men have been conditioned for millennia to tell women what they want to hear in order to have sex with them and women have done the same thing. They also tell men what men want to hear. We are all so used to being deceived that we can’t really handle the truth. So why did I say survival of the fittest? Because the women that are able to accept the reality of what men really want and are able to embrace and benefit from the fact that men just want raw, animalistic, varied sex with a woman that is not inhibited at all…. These women will succeed. The women who try to change men and try to make men feel like dirty, sick, perverts for wanting the things they want, those women unfortunately will not have any lasting success in their relationships, at least not in this brave new world.
And what makes you think it doesn’t make sense the other way:
“So why did I say survival of the fittest? Because the men that are able to accept the reality of what women really want and are able to embrace and benefit from the fact that women want passionate, emotionally-connected sex with a man whose emotions and vulnerability are not inhibited at all…. These men will succeed.”
Men seem to need women more than women need men. Womens sex drive is lower and they more likely have close friends to fulfill their emotional needs. Women are more likely to leave a relationship without having another man lined up, (men rarely leave without another relationship to move into), 80% of divorce is filed by women, men are quicker to remarry after a divorce or death. And breakups are harder on men.
Meanwhile, while open relationships are on the rise, so are close, committed, soul mate relationships. Research actually suggests that, on balance, men are getting more romantic.
See these:
Guys: Romantic? Or Just Want One Thing?
Hookup Culture
Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?
Why Hasn’t Open Marriage Caught On?
Pornography is something that can either enhance or break a relationship. It really depends on the two people involved and their intimacy qualifications. I personally have experienced this as a major self esteem deflator and just ended up with hurt feelings. One boyfriend I had was very open about using porn to masturbate on a daily basis usually multiple times a day. I had accepted it at first just taking it as ok all guys do this, it’s natural and maybe he’s just open about it. But then it started to seep into our love life and I just couldn’t match up. It made sex with him revolting and rare. He couldn’t understand why it affected me like that and tried his best to explain his side. I think there is an emphasis on the woman’s figure and sexual performances that have brain washed men into believing that is what is everywhere and they have a hard time settling.
So sorry.
It is easy to put all the blame on the porn industry but I believe that media in general are responsible for the sexual ideals that people in our society are pressured by which feeds in to sexual expectations as well. It all starts with little girls and boys growing up in an over sexualized society where sex is all over TV, billboards and magazines and it is usually women who are portrayed as sexual objects. They are supposed to be happy, submissive, willing, flawless, and are pretty much put on this earth to please the man and his fantasies. Sure porn encourages this as well but before children can even get a hold of porn they have already been exposed to this ideal their whole lives. Porn is actually becoming more accepting than TV and magazines when it comes to appearance and the stereotypical blond hair, big breasted bimbo with perfect skin is being replaced by different body types and races with stretch or beauty marks. It has even become more common with women directing porn which gives a woman’s perspective in a industry that used to be for men and has resulted in an increasing number of women watching porn.
I do however believe that porn has a negative effect on sexual expectations amongst teenagers and young adults who haven’t had a whole lot of sexual experience. The pressure of being a “good lover” consumes their thoughts to the point where it takes away from their own pleasure. They might even find themselves doing things that they do not want to do in order to seem more wild and fun like the actresses in porn. Adults on the other hand usually have more reality based expectations and will therefore not be as affected by porn. Of course there is always going to be men like “Luis” who are willing to break up with a woman due to unmet expectations, but from my understanding majority of men most likely would not.
“It is easy to put all the blame on the porn industry but I believe that media in general are responsible for the sexual ideals that people in our society are pressured by”
I agree.
Wow.. I am very shocked reading this. Overall, I really feel bad for women most especially those who are in committed relationship and are married. Speaking from experience, I can totally relate to this article in a way that I find myself comparing what I can or cannot do or perform in bed to porn stars. There have even been times when me and my girlfriends talk about how bad we feel knowing that what we watch on porn is something that is almost impossible for us to do for our boyfriends and husbands to satisfy them. And the saddest part is, there are girls that practice, and try, and try, and try, to master these things they see on porn because they feel they have competition with these porn stars they don’t even know of over their very own boyfriends and husbands. Women feel like some random woman that millions of men are re-watching over and over can beat and win their own man over themselves. And because of that, it completely takes away the intimacy and the connection of love when it comes down to the girlfriend and boyfriend or wife and husband in bed, because it gets to the point where all the man ever cares about is the performance of the woman, not the emotional love and attachment.
There’s a time for loving sexual intimacy filled with tender romance and then there’s a time for hot, steamy, raunchy, lustful, hard, sweaty fu_ king. Men usually want the latter of the two and women only want that kind of sex sometimes, when they’re in the mood for it. You have to give equal time to both kinds of sex in order to maintain a happy and rewarding, balanced sex life where everyone’s needs are being met….. compromise…..compromise for a healthy and happy home!
As a single young man, I think I watch porn to protect the interests of myself and other women. Contrary to popular belief, few women are catches (even though most believe that they are) and few are worth the time and effort of dating. I have definitely tried dating women that I was attracted to, but few reciprocate the “connection” and “love” that I believe could exist.
In the mean time, while I wait on my princess charming : ) , I am not going to pursue or pretend to like I am connected to women that I am clearly not. I am not here to hurt or to lie to anyone. But, In the mean time, it’s not like my hormones are put on pause. What am I supposed to do?
If your attitude weren’t “few are worth the time and effort” you might have more success finding princess charming. Just a guess.
I’m not complaining about men watching porn, although it has its dangers. I’m more concerned about expecting actual women to be porn stars.
Here are some posts discussing different sides of porn:
Men Finding Fewer Women “Porn-Worthy”
Men, Women & Internet Porn
Does Sexual Objectification Lead to Bad Sex?
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
Porn: Pro and Con
Actually, I think that you are correct. I had another woman tell me that I objectify women (nothing to do with porn). But, I subconsiously do, now I wish I could stop.
You might be interested in this piece:
Why Men Objectify
I had a similar experience dating a guy who objectified women. He’d ogle them, which I found disrespectful. I broke up with him because I didn’t like it. He had no idea how to stop doing it but didn’t want to lose me and so somehow — I guess because he didn’t like the cost — he found a way to stop. Trying to describe how he got over it he said he just kind of let it be. If he saw a woman who was really attractive he would just notice and appreciate that without “losing consciousness” as he put it. Something about the “wanting to look” and feeling like he shouldn’t seemed to make the urge stronger. I’ll try to write a post on this later. Guys might find it helpful.
I think that if you do write a piece on this issue, that you should also be cognizant of the fact that women do objectify men (though in different ways than men). I am sure it would make for an interesting read though.
Actually, women don’t objectify men very much. And not because women are better than men. Instead, it’s because they don’t learn to do so. Even tribal men don’t objectify women because they don’t learn to do it either. And interestingly, some women have written on my blog that they want to objectify men – cause it would feel good, or to get back at them — but it doesn’t really work too well. And people seem to think that noticing that someone is sexy is the same thing as objectifying. It’s not.
Take a look at these posts, if you’d like:
Sexual Objectification, What is it?
Anything Good About Being A Sex Object?
Men Aren’t Hard Wired To Find Breasts Attractive
Women Learn the Breast Fetish, Too
Women Seeing Women as Sexier than Men
Men, Women React to Male/Female Nudity
Men: Erotic Objects of Women’s Gaze
Why Aren’t Male Strippers Sexy?
Magic Mike Turns Tables on Objectification, Desire
And then there’s my most recent post:
Flip Gender, Flip Ways of Seeing
Sorry, I know this is a bit off topic now, but let me clarify my point. Clearly women are objectified more in terms of sex, but men are objectified by women in different ways. For proof, look no further than the woman who insists that a girl needs to find her future husband in her Princeton classmates. Her logic : that is greatest chance to find someone worthy of you. Apparently, men outside of the ivy league just aren’t intelligent enough? Or successful enough?
Men are objectified by their success and social status, (which fortunately, we can work to improve) while women are more objectified by their genes (little can be done to improve).
And, I think that an unbiased article on this topic of objectification (non sexual objectification) would emphasize the fact that there is equal but different objectification.
Ok, I get what you’re saying. I’m not sure object is the term I’d use, I’ll think a out it. And they’d likely be separate posts.
Question. How do you see men objectifying women as a problem and how do you see women objectifying men as a problem.
I think that this is definitely objectification. By not labelling this with the appropriate term, it makes men seem less moral than women. I also think that this is a dangerous and misleading trend.
I think objectification affects both sexes negatively. A man with no job and a poor education may feel as worthless as a woman who doesn’t live up to men’s standards. In fact, many male suicides can be linked to the recession (and, also, more young men in the UK die from suicides than anything else). According to the paper I read, social isolation, poor housing and job prospects are the main motives.
What women wants to date a man who is poor, has no job, and is socially isolated even though he may be kind and funny? Not that many?
Now, why do you think a man wants to have a job and social status? Probably because he wants to be attractive to women.
For women, I am not 100% sure, but I do not think that it is as serious as suicide.
Well, plenty of things are immoral without beng objectifying. Many things are worse, in fact.
But when women are seen as object-things they aren’t people, but a sex stimulus.
Marrying men for $ is no better, but is he an object that’s all about $?
Women who are objectified are all about sex. Use, abuse, brag to the guys, bought and sold in brothels. She’s all sex and nothing else.
If a man is turned on by a woman but can appreciate a lot of other things about her — personality, mind, who she is, what’s the problem? She’s seen as a full person who is also sexy. She’s not only about sex and nothing else.
If a woman marries a man only for his money she will be pretty unhappy. Not worth it. And most women don’t want to do that.
Men may appear more attractive when they have a high status job. But if she also loves his personality and his mind — who he is, what’s the problem?
These days almost all men and women want to marry for love, and commonly a soul mate. And they tend to seek out mates who are of similar education and class. They both do that.
In terms of men being jobless, I’m most concerned about getting the economy going — good for everyone.
I see your point now, but it was kind of hard for me to see at first. Honestly, I try to make a deep connection with the girl, but rarely does it happen. I am just frustrated. :/sigh
Sorry. Wish I could help. Not sure what’s up with that.
Wow after reading this article I was shocked. I cant believe that men have come so used to porn that they rather watch porn then be with a real woman! I guess I don’t understand why any man would rather sit by himself in a room and feel himself and get aroused by his hand instead of having that wonderful moment when you have a partner you love and can share that special moment of being with each other to satisfy both their needs.
I knew a guy that told me that he watched many porn videos when he was in his teens and he even told me that he would watch it with his guys friends. He said that it was something normal and to this day I don’t understand how that is ok. I would find it so awkward if I was sitting in a room with a bunch of my friends watching men and women do very dirty things to each other. It’s just not right!
I believe the use of porn can be compared to that of video games. As long as you are able to realize that the stuff your watching is not real, you should be fine. I think anyone who has had sex and seen sex as it is portrayed in porn can easily conclude that porn is extremely exaggerated. I think it is a shame for anyone to fall into believing that is what their sex needs to be like- whether it is the guy needing this submissive, enthusiastic sex object or the girl willing to be so. It is the same as the kid who thinks his violent video games justifies shooting people in real life. I also don’t think it is right to deny porn to your partner. who are you to take away someones personal time of release and their means of doing so? Porn is always going to feed into the most extreme fetishes. that is what it is there for and I think the problem is with one’s own moderation.
Broadblogs, I completely agree with your last post. A person would have to be really twisted to want to force their sexual partner to do something they didn’t want to do. I agree that it would make sex totally un-enjoyable for both. I don’t know what you read in my previous comment that would indicate that I am in favor of that but this isn’t the first time that you miss-quote me when you can’t come up with a valid rebuttal. Can you please focus on what I said: “women do in fact act like porn stars at the beginning of the relationship”, “then, as they relationship progresses and they become comfortable, they become more prude”, “Men expect women to continue doing the sexual things they did at the beginning of the relationship” These are factual statements. In fact, there was a woman that responded to one of my previous posts where I went into much more detail about this, and she agreed that she was guilty of doing this in all her relationships and she didn’t know why. Well, she doesn’t have to feel like a freak. This is very normal. As I’ve explained before: Novelty is a tremendous aphrodisiac for women but once the novelty of a new relationship wears off, there is no way to re-create it again with the same person. That huge rush of “feel-good” brain chemicals that flood your brain at the beginning of a relationship is what makes women actually want to do things that they normally may consider to be dirty, taboo or morally questionable. But, unfortunately, those “feel-good” brain chemicals are biologically programmed to wear off once we’ve grown accustomed to a particular person. This is biological programming encoded in our DNA. We can’t do anything about that. That is why I can’t really blame women for losing their spark during the course of a relationship. It is not their fault. It is evolutionary biology at work. It’s that simple. But can’t we be grown-up about this and stop trying to put the blame solely on men. Men need to be understanding and realize that women aren’t doing these things on purpose and women need to realize that they do change their sexual behavior once they go into relationship mode and that is very confusing to men.
I agree with everything you said except for your first few sentences in which you suggest that in my comment I meant to imply that you meant “by force.” So I’m afraid you misread me.
Oh, and I did have a valid rebuttal.
Sorry to keep beating a dead horse but can we at least get women to take some responsibility for this? Every man that I know (including myself), whether married or single, of every age, complains about the fact that women do in fact act like porn stars at the beginning of the relationship (I’ve discussed this at length above… over and over again) then, as they relationship progresses and they become comfortable, they become more prude. Men and women think differently. Men expect women to continue doing the sexual things they did at the beginning of the relationship. Also, last time I checked, the women doing these sexual acts in porn movies are actual women not robots or computer generated images. If women are willing to do these things for money, why not for love?
Seems to me that you want your partner to be distressed and possibly disgusted so that you can have unlimited pleasure. Doesn’t sound at all fair and it doesn’t seem like there’s much middle ground there. Wouldn’t it be better if everyone involved were enjoying sex? Is it really so hard for you to enjoy sex if your partner doesn’t to stuff that grosses her out?
I can’t understand why anyone would want their partner to be distressed. If I felt like my partner were unhappy or grossed out I couldn’t enjoy sex at all.
Also, the typical porn star stops after three films, even though she gets paid a lot of money, so she’s not THAT agreeable to doing gross stuff. http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/02/19/porn_star_database_study_what_10_000_porn_stars_tell_us_about_sex_on_screen.html
Men like porn for the same reason that women like dancing, they get it. Porn is not for everyone.
Not saying otherwise. Just saying that men shouldn’t expect their partners to behave the way porn stars do.
One of my male students wrote a piece for my blog that agrees:
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
Wonders: Does the concept apply to chick flick romance? What would good perimeters be for anchoring both sexes in reality and soul?
Maybe sex schools, like the sex teacher Buddha loved in Sidhartha. : D
Yes. I touch on it a bit in this post:
Twilight vs. Porn
Getting into reality, sexually? Here’s are some ideas:
Does Sexual Objectification Lead to Bad Sex?
Men Finding Fewer Women “Porn-Worthy”
You Are “Less Than”?
4 Daily Rituals to Stop Objectification
Anything Good About Being A Sex Object?
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
Wanting “X” from Sex, but Doing “Y”
I may have more. But I’m sure that more could be said.
What I still can’t get over is how little understanding men and women have about each other when it comes to sex. What we are doing here, discussing, debating and learning is the only way that we will be able to move as a society to a deeper level of understanding and empathy towards the opposite sex. Until we learn to open our hearts and minds with empathy towards the opposite sex we will continue to have dysfunctional relationships and a society where divorce is the rule rather than the exception.
Thank you Mark. Hope it helps.
Marvelous, what a blog it is! This blog gives useful data to us, keep it up
Through the viewing of pornography, men have placed an unrealistic expectation of women. The idea is that behind closed doors women are supposed to be dominant sex symbols that are into what ever there boyfriends or husbands are into. In that respect, many men feel they are supposed to have rough sex thinking that is what women prefer. In this position, many women can begin to feel not good enough and are subject to changing themselves. However, there are the women that are very vocal with there significant others about what is ok and what is not when it comes to what happens in the bedroom. All women are not the same when it comes to speaking up for themselves, many feel scared and dont want to risk the possibility of there significant other abusing them or leaving them. A good man will not have unrealistic expectations of there significant other. They should except them the way they are and be honest in what they want and are looking for in a relationship.
That is the first thing you say that I agree with Broadblogs. Thank you. It is absolutely true that if men are holding women to a higher level of expectation in sexual performance, men are also holding themselves to a higher level of expectation as well. Yes, men are also conditioned to think that they need to have a monster sized penis and last for several hours without ejaculating. Regardless of all this, we can choose to see porn as fantasy and pure entertainment (just like we like to watch the Miami Heat play basketball but we don’t actually think that we can match LeBron James’s level of skill) or we can use porn as a way to enhance our own sexuality by watching it with our partner and picking out some things that we might like to try. Like a modern-day Kama Sutra. Many of the things that we consider normal today were once considered taboo and by contrast, there are things that we consider taboo today that were once common place.
First time I’ve agreed with you, too.
Thanks.
I believe the issue is very two-sided.
For one, we should not ignore the effects porn can have on the men’s own self-image. I’ve known a man who was extremely underconfident of himself in bed because his erection was “only 17cm long” (around 7″) and he could last “only up to 20 minutes”. When I asked him what he thought was normal, he said in porn everyone had a foot-long penis and could keep going for an hour on end. I asked whether it had occured to him that if a normal woman was penetrated for an hour by a foot-long object, she would most certainly end up in the emrgency unit. He was completely dumbfounded.
As a woman I also enjoy occasionally watching a porn video myself (around once in 2-3 months) and reading highly erotic fiction (more often than that). I also believe that many women do that too, especially the latter (50 shades, anyone?). I don’t view that as cheating, and feel that it is a part of my sexuality that I have a right to, whether in a relationship or not. If a partner was uncomfortable with it, I think I would be open to talk about it and empathetic to his concerns, but I also would not feel cool about stopping it. To me it is pure fantasy, unrealistic and attractive specifically because it is so unrealistic and out there, so I don’t really see indulging it as a form of competition for my real-life partner.
All in all, I think the subject of porn is more multi-faceted than the male-dominant-fantasy-that-degrades-women picture. That picture may represent a large part of the situation, but by far not all of it.
Sounds like a great blog post idea. I think I’ll call it “Real men competing with porn stars”
so from reading these responses here it would seem that no one thinks that a male or female could watch porn for reasons that have nothing at all to do with anybody other than themselves. i like porn, why? because i like looking at naked women. i do not expect anything from it other then that. i do not expect my partners to act like porn stars. i don’t care if they don’t want to watch it or if they do. it’s not about them. it’s about me. it’s not something i watch when she’s not in the mood or to get me in the mood. it’s something i watch when i want to see naked women. i had a gf once who remarked that i was watching a certain kind of porn and that she didn’t see a certain type of girl in it. and for about 40 seconds i thought, “hrmm maybe she’s…” then i remembered, i’m not watching porn for her. i’m watching it for me. if she wanted to watch (which she did sometimes) i’d be willing to watch things that interested her. but when she wasn’t, i watched what ever i wanted. and when i was done then i was done. it’s something i enjoy regardless of the amount of “real sex” i’m having or what acts my partner at that time may or may not be into.
sometimes things are far simpler then people would have you believe. sometimes people eat a sandwich because they are hungry, not because they hate themselves. sometimes people have childhoods with out too much horror and still turn out to be dicks. and sometimes people look at porn not because of any void in any aspect of their lives…they look at porn simply because they like the way naked people look.
See this post from a guest blogger (one of my male students).
https://broadblogs.com/?s=Porn+reality+fantasy+demon+ted
Hello Broadblogs: I read your student’s post. He sounds like a very nice guy. I wonder how long it will be before his girlfriend gets bored of him. You’re a psychologist. You know what I’m talking about. It seems terrible and unfair that a woman would get bored with such a nice guy right? But talking about fairness and being idealistic won’t help anyone. A dose of reality may taste very bitter but in the long run, that bitter tasting medicine will provide the cure.
First, I don’t know that she will get bored with him. Second, a lot of men simply are unaware of the differences between the sexes when it comes to sexuality in our culture, and don’t realize that you need to treat women differently from men. Your relationship might be very damaged at this point so things could need more help than what these posts (below) suggest, but I suggest you take a look at them and have a talk with your partner. Maybe tell your partner that you want to start fresh and see everything that’s beautiful about her and let her know that you love her and you’ve chosen her. You might also want to do sex in a different way that will get her more in touch with her sexuality. For instance, have her focus on the sensations of all sorts of light touches all over her body and of course, in her most sensitive areas.
Finally, you come across as extremely hostile. If you come across this hostile with her I can’t imagine her being able to be turned on by you. You’re going to have to let go of it and let her know that you want to do things completely differently.
And you may need to focus more on the emotional connection of sex instead of the stuff that grosses her out. You could be amazed at how great it is.
Turning on the Sex Goddess
Pleasuring A Woman
Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?
Broadblogs. My current partner and I have a great sexual relationship. I have been involved with a woman for over 4 years now with a similar sex drive to mine. Did you get confused?
You have written many comments saying that you have to have sex with porn instead of a real woman. And that you’re angry with your partner. That sounds hostile and it is confusing. Just trying to be helpful. If I’m not, just ignore me.
You should go back and re-read my comments. I have never said that. Please show me where. You’re definintly thinking of the wrong person.
Anyone who wants can go back and find them — or not as you say.
But I don’t think anyone reading your comments will get the impression that you are in a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship, despite what you now claim.
I can’t believe I read this entire thing but that’s what happens sometimes. Honestly, Mark Franco is a genius. He is absolutely correct on all fronts. As a man, this is the biggest deal breaker in all humanity. A friend of mine’s father once said “Women can never go back financially, and men can never go back sexually” Meaning, once you blow a guy and swallow, you better do that every time. Once you have sex _____(insert position here) you better do it every time. (or at least be willing to) For women, it would mean a woman wouldn’t be able to be with a man who made 30k a year working an office job after being with a Doctor pulling 300k a year. But I digress.
The reality of life is if your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you then you are doing something wrong. If a man doesnt wan’t to have sex with his wife, then she is doing something wrong. You should never get “married” if you don’t think you are going to be a good fit sexually. Different strokes for different folks is the most accurate statement of all time.
Freaks should marry freaks. They will be able to watch porn and do the sickest things together and have the time of their life tying eachother up and sitting on eachothers faces.
Prudes should marry prudes. They will have a great time being “emotional” together and talking about their problems and complaining about why everyone is watching porn, and wonder why their husband or wife left them.
LIfe is about making people laugh and making them feel good. Feel good can come in a variety of categories. But what people don’t understand is that prudes and freaks are on completely different wavelengths. Freaks understand that feeling good is the one form of feel good, sexually. And Prudes can enjoy the feel good that is “emotional connection”
Good luck being emotionally connected with someone who isn’t sexually attracted to you. Feeling desired is the number one goal of any person. When I see my girlfriend walk into the house I want her to know that I cant wait to get her clothes off and make her feel good. I want her to feel the same way when I walk into the house.
Be with someone who you feel that way about and who feels that way about you. Otherwise enjoy watching t.v every night after coming home from work to share a bed with someone who isn’t turned on by you.
Thanks for your perspective.
With regard to: “Good luck being emotionally connected with someone who isn’t sexually attracted to you,”
I don’t think anyone would disagree – so long as you’re talking about your sex partner, and not your mom, dad, kids, friends, etc.
Let me expand a bit. A couple can have deep emotional connection plus great sex. It’s not like you have to choose between the two at all. In fact, most women have a hard time enjoying sex without great emotional connection. I’m one of those people. But just because you are hugely sexually attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you’re going to want to do certain types of sexual things.
That said, the highest sexual attraction tends to come early in a relationship. At that time women can tolerate certain things that would otherwise gross them out, and that often does gross them out later in a relationship. And that’s a huge problem for a lot of couples, like Mr. Franco. Unfortunately, though, the women don’t realize that things will change. So they can’t decide beforehand that they won’t do anything that they won’t want to do later, because they don’t know that they won’t want to do it later. And some women will want to keep doing it later. Depends on the woman.
I’ll add that pornography has taught men to like certain types of things that men haven’t liked in the past. You can see this by surveys of sex fantasies that men have. Men increasingly want threesomes, facials, and women to swallow. Unfortunately those are things that women often don’t want to do. But it works great for porn. If they can offer a fantasy of doing something that real women don’t want to do, the only place where many men can find that is in porn. And so porn makes a lot of money off of creating the disconnect.
I agree, I think porn can do some serious damage by creating unrealistic expectations. It seems like people forget to consider the adult film industry as a whole and that the scenes they’re watching are done by professionals. The actors are groomed for the camera, they have to perform their parts, and for the woman that means being extremely vocal. I feel like it is particularly damaging to people who are virgins or who have not had many sexual encounters because their idea of what sex should be like is dictated by something that isn’t real. Men then expect the women to act like porn stars, and I know some women feel like they have to have that perfect, bare and unblemished body. While there is nothing wrong with exploring your own sexuality, and porn could help with that, it can be particularly harmful and degrading to women.
I believe that a lot of real women now a days “think” that they need to compeat with porn stars due to the fact that a lot of men watch porn. By them watching it, it gives them ideas of what to them is “what most or all women should do in bed” , so by that when they do return home to their wifes or whom ever they feel like their partner is not doing enough or not satisfying there needs the way they see it on t.v which to me is fake because everyone should have their own way of expressing themselves in bed.
ID. Jacobo,
I respect your point of view but I do think that women need to stop acting like porn stars so that men will stop expecting women to act like porn stars. Normally, a man will not suddenly ask his wife to start doing something she has never done before. However, a man will always dwell on why his wife no longer does the things she did before. Like I have explained in detail several times already on this blog: Women… don’t do anything at the beginning of the relationship that you’re not wiling to continue doing throughout the duration of the relationship.
Pornography is simply Disney-fied sex to men, it is not realistic. It shows men what the sex experience should be like and how women should act during it. Just like Disney or Nicholas Sparks movies show women what a real relationship should be like and how a man should be.
As a female, pornography messes with one’s self esteem, especially if you’re an inexperience person. Most women aren’t able to reenact porn scenes and feel as they can’t satisfy men. Hmm, I wonder if that how men feel when they watch click flick movies?
It seems like women in today’s society have to perfect in every single aspect, not fair.
From the beginning of time, men (and quite a few women) have found it very difficult to remain monogamous for various reasons. The difference is that now, men have a safer but less rewarding outlet to vent their sexual frustration. Many men are turning to internet pornography rather than engaging in an affair with a real, live woman. Masturbating in front of a computer screen is very pathetic but safer than hooking-up with a real person. There is no risk of disease, pregnancy, jealousy and no expense. So if anything, pornography has made the inevitable act of adultery, much safer than it ever has been in the history of mankind. That’s one positive way to look at it…… Still, watching porn on the internet as a replacement for real sex has to be one of the saddest and most pathetic forms of existence. I think a man will have more respect for himself if he has the courage to go out and get what he wants rather than pleasuring himself in virtual reality.
Everybody: Again, the problem is not that men are asking things of women that women have never done. The problem is that women are doing things at the beginning of the relationship that they stop doing during the course of the relationship. It is my personal experience and the experience of every married man that I have spoken to (without exception) that women become more prude during the course of a relationship. Please, Broadblog, denial is not an effective way to find real solutions to problems. You are very eager to place blame on men. That’s fine and easier to deal with for you as a woman. But when you really want to find a solution to a problem you have to be willing to look at yourself (or in this case, your gender) to see what changes you can make within yourself to obtain what you want and need from men. Why don’t you ask yourself, what you can do, as a woman, to prevent men from turning to pornography to get what they need?
Actually, men are developing tastes from pornography that they have never had before, and they are asking women to do things that women have not been asked to do before – and often find repulsive.
A new study found that when a woman is strongly in love, when desire is intense, and when she is high on oxytocin she can tolerate things that would repulse her outside of that circumstance. Early on she is not lying, she can simply handle things that will later gross her out when her hormones settle down. And sex can be amazing without the gross stuff, anyway.
Also, I would recommend you read these posts if you want your lover to get more aroused and “into you.”
Turning on the Sex Goddess
Pleasuring A Woman
Orgasm: It’s All in the Mind
https://broadblogs.com/2010/12/06/orgasm-it%e2%80%99s-all-in-the-mind/
By the way, did you see this post?
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
Here’s a comment from one of my male readers that’s relevent to the question of real women competing with porn stars. It’s from this post (comment posted 10/28): https://broadblogs.com/2010/09/20/why-don%e2%80%99t-women-like-sex-as-much-as-men/
Thought you all might be interested in a male perspective that differs from your own:
I’m a 55 year old man who has been in two, long-term, very successful &
happy relationships.
Back in my 20′s & 30′s (height of the VCR & tape-rental era), my GF and I
watched a LOT of porn films together. We enjoyed them for what they were,
and often laughed out loud at some of the outrageous ‘positions’ that were
obviously nothing more than ‘posing for the camera’.
Despite all the ridiculous male-oriented fantasy, we managed to enjoy
watching another ‘couple’, and it turned us on.
AFTER turning the TV off, we headed for the bedroom & some ‘us-time’ that
was entirely different from the play-acting on screen. We never had any
intention of trying to re-create anything we had seen…we just weren’t
remotely interested. We knew that being good to each other was FAR more
important than trying to live-out some movie producer’s fantasy version
of real life.
When a devoted couple has spent many years cultivating & refining their
relationship (in & out of bed), each of them comes to one, ultimate
realization. You one day understand, very clearly, that pleasing your
partner & ensuring THEIR happiness has become more important to you than
satisfying your personal needs. You also come to understand that if you
put your partner’s needs FIRST, then your own satisfaction just keeps on
expanding…and sometimes WAY beyond your wildest expectations!
I suppose there are a few dullards out there who take most of their cues
from low-life rags like Hustler and believe that women really enjoy the
treatment portrayed in skin flicks. That’s sad, but I really believe
these guys are a tiny minority.
I bow to your intelligence.
The above comments from some of the men are very unnerving but sadly reflective of the male attitudes I’ve increasingly observed over the past 10 years or so. The underlying assumption on the part of these men seems to be that long-term relationships have little or no emotional or practical value for the male partner. They are strictly transactional arrangements in which sex is the only worthwhile benefit for men. Often men with these attitudes will readily admit that they don’t want or need women for anything but sex.
As a woman, when I see remarks like that (and I see them widely splashed all over the Internet), it makes me want to despair. I don’t dislike sex, but I value men for so many different things. When they turn around and basically tell me that they’re not all that interested in anything I can offer other than my vagina, it hurts. It makes me feel devalued, like I’m less than a real person in their eyes. When a man views women in this way, I don’t see how any amount of feminist education can help. If he doesn’t have any interest in women beyond sex, then he doesn’t have any interest. It’s not really possible to create interest where none exists.
The expectations that these men have ARE unrealistic. They don’t take into consideration the fact that women age, and their bodies change as they do. A woman who once had the desire and energy for strenuous frequent sex isn’t always going to have the same libido. Hormone levels decline. Household tasks, jobs, and kids drain energy. Body parts age and are sometimes damaged by childbirth. A man who makes his commitment to a woman dependent on continuous high levels of sexual performance is virtually guaranteeing that he will leave.
To the men who want women to be an endless supply of sex, I’d say please don’t get married. Be upfront with the women you date that your main interest is in their bodies and that everything else is secondary. Since you feel this way, if you end up alone, it shouldn’t be hard for you. As you say, you don’t really want or need women anyway.
Women remain confused about the male mind.
I was married for 15 years. I was faithful to her. She left me, I would never have left her, even though our sex life was not particularly great. Even though she’s gone, I still care about her, and I still cry about her. So maybe I’m one of the “good guys”, right?
But I don’t think my mind is really any different than the guys who seem to only want women for their bodies. I’ve looked into the depths of my own mind, and I’ve read the psychological literature. Men on an emotional level can’t distinguish love and sex. Think of it like sugar versus artificial sweetener. Completely different chemicals, that look different, and even taste a bit different. Everyone on an intellectual level knows they are completely different. But once you put it in your coffee and it hits your tongue, its close enough that most people aren’t bothered by the difference. It’s the same with men with love and sex. We can substitute one for the other, and to a large extent we are oblivious to the difference.
When I am alone, and so lonely I could cry, I thought sometimes about going to a prostitute (though I didn’t). The best way I could describe it, is that I feel like I need a hug. But truthfully, a hug wouldn’t do the job. It would have to be sex. A woman might ask, how would sex cure loneliness? I mean, technically, I’m not alone. There are people in my life. But its not the same. Sex, love and intimacy, us men are confused about them at the emotional level.
Women seem to think, if they debase themselves in the bedroom like a porn star, then they are debased. They’ve made themselves to be a mere sex object for the man’s primitive needs without being appreciated for being a whole person. What they don’t understand is that if they act the porn star in the bedroom, it will trigger the same part of the male mind as if they are in love. If you “debase” yourself in the bedroom, you may well find yourself on a pedestal and treated like a princess out of the bedroom. Conversely, no matter how much he might care about you on some level, and no matter how much you act like a doting partner, if you don’t satisfy him in the bedroom he will basically feel unloved, and most probably, ultimately, treat you like dirt.
There’s the popular notion around that sex begins in the kitchen. Apparently if the men cleans up the kitchen, the women will be horny for you in the bedroom. What women are confused about is that the reverse also applies. A clean kitchen starts in the bedroom. You cater for him there, and he’ll treat you like a princess outside there too. Men are totally confused about why sex begins in the kitchen, and women are totally confused about why the kitchen starts in the bedroom.
Sorry girls, but if you don’t want to be treated like just a walking vagina, you will probably have to… counter-intuitively, make yourself to be a walking vagina. Then your man will feel loved and treat you like the whole person that you want to be. Obviously I’m not saying that having sex with men is a panacea that will make them treat you right. But neither is it good for you to fool yourself into imaging that you will have happy relationships with men while trying to separate love and sex, because we can’t do that. Everything you say about women’s libido, hormones, and being drained of energy is all factually true, but will destroy your relationship with your man unless you overcome it. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? If a man was more like a woman, then he would distinguish in his mind love from sex, and not be overly bothered that all these excuses are standing in the way of sex, because after all, you are in love, right? But a man is not a woman, and these excuses, while intellectually valid, will destroy your love just as surely as if you told him you hate him.
Hopefully “not just…” will get back to you, but I’ll add my 2 cents.
First, I don’t get that sex and debasement are the same. From most of your comment I’d assume that sex which wasn’t debasing would be just fine. So I don’t get why you tie the two together.
Second, some guys seem to make the love/sex distinction and others don’t. See:
Guys Are Getting More Romantic
And since men have a higher sex drive in our culture (largely for cultural reasons) women need more to get them in the mood. Why would a man want a woman to sexually serve him without her also enjoying it, anyway? So it’s about working together. Did you see one of my latest on that point? I don’t see that if a guy wants sex so much that it’s so difficult to help clean house or romance her.
Turning on the Sex Goddess
First, I’m sorry that your marriage ended badly and that you’re still hurting over it.
There are a couple of things about your comments that are confusing to me. If sex and love are so entangled for men that they can’t distinguish one from the other, then how do you explain the many guys who carry on in “relationships” with “friends with benefits” yet don’t grow to love those girls? On the other hand, how do you explain your continued longing for your ex-wife when sex with her was “not particularly great”?
It seems in the above scenarios that men can and do distinguish love from sex. In fact, the male ability to “love ’em and leave ’em” is so notorious that it’s become a stereotype. Most of the men I’ve known personally have freely volunteered that sex and love are not the same for them at all. The general consensus among them seems to be that sex is only meaningful to them if they assign meaning to it. That is, they can easily have sex without emotional involvement, but where emotional involvement already exists, sex can be used to express those feelings and add a fuller dimension. I’m not saying that ALL men are that way (I know at least a couple who truly don’t like sex without emotional attachment), but, in my experience, the majority are.
Look, I DO realize that men often feel more comfortable expressing love through sex than any other method. I understand that it’s much easier for men to maintain that feeling of being “in love” when they’re sexually satisfied. However, I don’t believe that all men need to “debase” women in order to be sexually satisfied (I’m not even sure of your definition of “debase” in this context) or that all men find it impossible to maintain love if sex isn’t as frequent or varied as their ideal or that all men who are sexually satisfied treat the women they are with well. None of that correlates with my own experiences or those of the people I know. I also don’t believe that successful, lasting marriages are or should be built on that “in love” feeling, which simply can’t last. Studies show that most marriages shift to a more “companionate love” over the long haul. Inevitably, both partners will lose their ability to perform sexually at optimum level, usually women before men. It seems to me that men who can’t accept this lack the capacity (or maybe willingness) to shift to companionate love and therefore miss what’s really at the heart of pair bonding–two human beings mutually supporting each other through thick and thin.
To sum up, I’m not going to negate your feelings or experiences. They’re yours, not mine. But I take issue with being told that I’d better get used to being a walking vagina because all men share your feelings and ideas. That seems to be one of the main tenets of the so-called men’s rights movement–that ALL men think this way or that way and ALL women think some other way. That just doesn’t jive with my own experience of men OR women.
One final (and related) point: The flip side of the “men really just want women for sex” argument usually seems to be “women really just want men for money/security.” I don’t agree with either of those arguments, but in the men’s movement world, the former seems to be accepted as a given and condoned while the latter is looked at as a vile evil. Your post makes it seem as though you think it’s fine for a man to walk away if he’s not having exactly the kind of sex life he wants. Do you also think it’s fine for a woman to walk away if she’s not getting exactly the kind of financial support she wants? What if I told you that if you lost your job or had to take a pay cut, you’d just better find a way to earn back that money you lost or you can expect your woman’s love to die as surely as if you told her you hated her? Would you think those expectations for you were fair and realistic or not?
I could explain these things to you, or at least try, but our resident censor here doesn’t want to understand how men think, or let men explain the dark recesses of our minds. She only wants to publish comments that fit her particular feminist agenda. Be damned with reality, or understanding the problems, let’s just censor reality. Since my last comment wasn’t published, not much point putting effort into another one. Yes, men can be bastards, me included, even though I’m probably one of the sweetest ones to women, I only ever had one woman. But I still know how men think, but the censorship regime here won’t allow me to tell you.
Perhaps one day there’ll be honesty here and this blog can be renamed “narrow-mindedblogs”.
If my attitude were as you describe it I wouldn’t have posted your first comment or bothered to ask a question to clarify.
See my comment policy. Your response was too long, repetitive of your fist comment (I didn’t see anything new), and I couldn’t ferret out what your answer to my question was. If you care to give a short, clear answer to the two questions put to you, I will be happy to post it (them).
Otherwise I must say that your perspective is not all men’s perspective – though it may be shared by many men. I have never been asked to do anything sexually that I found degrading, so I still don’t get why you see sex and degradation of the same thing. The closest I got was one guy who wanted to have a threesome with another woman. That didn’t sound degrading. It sounded distasteful and emotionally painful. I told him I would agree to it if he agreed to have a threesome with me and another man. He then felt the distaste and emotional pain, himself, and decided he wasn’t interested. (By the way, relationships are usually destroyed by threesomes – I’ll write more about that later. I know 4 people who’ve tried it and it was disastrous for all.)
I agree with this post. I do think that guys who watch porn expect a lot more from their girlfriends or “hook ups” and if they do not do their best job at fulfilling the guys expectations she most likely wont be called again. which is BS, feelings should be based on more than just sex. the porn industry is a joke, guys don’t even have to go out and meet girls now all they have to do is watch porn and then they get off. women shouldn’t need to act like a porn star to make a guy have feelings for them. Guys are using females to get what they want in a quick and easy way.
I wasn’t against porn (in fact, I like it) until my present partner’s on how beautiful young vaginas were and ‘who wants to look at an old pussy’ comments began. I am 60 yrs old.. and don’t have a young vagina. I then began to notice how much oogling he did, and how it was affecting me.. I was beginning to believe that I was unappealing and too old for sex. He has at least 400 plus porn movies, and doesn’t seem to have control over his looking and ogling women. It is slowiy killing my love for him.. he denies looking (guess he is ashamed of his addiction) and tells me I need to get self-esteem. Perhaps he is right about the self-esteem thing.. I lost it a couple of years ago.. I wasn’t healthy. Well, I am healing beautifully.. and have decided to leave him. I am tired and sad but beginning to feel whole again. I am worthy of love and affection, I am worthy of a man who is honest and whole. Porn and womanizing had not served either one of us – objectification dehumanizes. It has not helped humanity, and hasn’t brought men and women closer in mind, body and spirit. I remember how men would talk about women in duality terms: those you marry and those you fuck. So, men.. you need to take accept your part here. If you lusted after your woman, she would do anything for you. Lust after other women (including porn-women) and your real lady will turn off..
Your partner complains that you need higher self-esteem when he’s talking about, “how beautiful young vaginas were and ‘who wants to look at an old pussy’”
? !!!
Complaining about women’s self-esteem is just a way to take the blame off of men’s bad behavior. If you behaved the way he did I wonder how his self-esteem would be.
I’m glad you’re leaving him.
Porn can certainly hurt relationships. See these posts:
Does Sexual Objectification Lead to Bad Sex?
Is Your Partner’s Ogling a Turn-Off?
And, most men don’t behave so rudely. I’m sure you can find someone better.
Ogling: Boys Will Be Boys?
Thanks for sharing.
In other words many women out many, many women do perform these acts and enjoy doing it for their spouse or boyfriend. Just because you don’t do these things or find them to be disgusting doesn’t mean there are not many women out there that do find these things pleasing and or do this for the enjoyment of their partner. Should someone want to please their partner – YES. Or else why be married.
So best to match up well.
Of course, there’s a lot that can be missed with a focus on just the acts. And some women do things they don’t like in the early stages of love — high on oxytocin. Later a mismatch shows up and problems start.
Also, pornographers seem to try to create tastes that women don’t want to put out for. Research shows a change in men’s tastes, that mirrors porn. And tastes that repel most women.
The genius is that men must go to porn to get these tastes satisfied. A great money-maker.
I feel that people must be sensitive to each other and getting into the spiritual, transcendent realm can be amazing.
I will say this I watch porn mostly when I am denied sex from my wife. I don’t find her to be any less beautiful or visually stimulating than women in pornography, I also do not expect her to have an orgasm after a little bit. All that being said I am a considerate passionate lover but most of my moves, my techniques, skills, language has been learned from pornography. She enjoys the fruits of my history with porn. I have tried to be as pleasing as the men and women in pornography are to their female partners. There are real orgasms on film but they are not common. The first time I gave her oral sex she said OH MY GOD HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE this from using the oral sex techniques I have seen mostly lesbians use in films. I also had seen other things that are probably too obscene to describe that she thinks are amazing, again where did I learn this from pornography.
Now where does the negative come in, well for me I believe that when you marry men for sex women for security that you should get what you wanted. My wife got a steady income stream, good father for kids, etc.. I wanted good sex. What does that mean well… there should be nothing left off of the sexual menu and all cooking should be done with pleasure and positive attitude. That means that anal sex, blow jobs with swallowing, and any and all positions should not be off limits – THIS IS THE UNREALISTIC VIEW SOME WOMEN TALK ABOUT BECAUSE THEIR HUSBANDS DESIRE THIS AND THEY DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. But for those women that do these things and enjoy doing them the marital bliss/peace and marital longevity enjoyed by these women are far better than the women that do not perform these “UNREALISTIC ACTS”.
So for the women that do not perform these acts, don’t get mad after divorce when you see your ex happy with someone else.
Interesting perspective, thanks.
I think the problem comes when people confuse fantasy and reality and when desires don’t adequately match up.
But always interesting to hear my readers thoughts.
People need to just keep it real, plain and simple, Go outside do something that matters, sex isnt always necessary, and if ur going to get laid or have a good time with the person you love, dont use them and abuse them, dont do the same that you wouldn’t want to be dealt to you, The blow is harder than the strike itself people. 😉 be truthful to yourself
Porn gives a view of sex that is overly mechanical, where the woman is always available. This is replacing the previous media driven view of sex where it isn’t any good unless its like a scene from the movie “Endless love”. This is also unrealistic. If a woman thinks she can have a happy relationship if she is only available when the man recreates the romance of Endless Love, then she is just as much setting herself up for disaster as if the man thinks the woman will give him porn star experience on demand. The reason the man fantasises about the always available porn star, is precisely because the women in his life are never available unless you jump through a thousand hoops. Unless the women in this stand off also make a move towards fulfilling the man, then porn use will continue.
Sure, both female and male erotica are exaggerations, misleading, and possibly harmful if the people using the erotica don’t make a distinction between fantasy and reality.
Yes xpusostomos, I agree with you that there is a stand off here. That is really the main problem. Unfortunately, even BroadBlogs, who has a “PHD from UCLA” is clearly biased in this argument. The truth is that what is fantasy for one person may be reality for another. Until men and women make an effort to please their partner rather than please themselves, things won’t get any better. WOMEN, AGAIN I REPEAT, DON’T DO ANYTHING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO CONTINUE DOING FOR THE DURATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP. It freaks men out when you act like a porn star at the beginning and then slowly start becoming more and more inhibited and prude. It is much better do be prude at the beginning and then slowly start exploring your sexual boundaries rather than to do it the other way around. A woman that is willing to explore her sexual boundaries and becomes more sexually adventurous throughout the course of the relationship will never be abandoned on cheated on by a man. TRY IT! YOU WILL SEE.
I still say that no one should feel pressured to do anything they’re uncomfortable with. Just because one partner has no problem with it doesnt mean that the other person’s feelings are illigitimate.
I also don’t get why one person should suffer so the other can have unlimited pleasure. Why not do things you both enjoy?
If I felt my partner weren’t enjoying what we were doing, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself. So I really don’t get your way of seeing.
But I agree that false advertising is probably not a good idea either.
However, it may not have been false advertising at the time she acted like a porn star. She may have been really into it at the time because her oxytocin levels were so high, for instance. Never trust the beginnings of a relationship.
Being angry with her is unlikely to bring the two of you together, but will instead drive the two of you further apart.
My blog is largely meant to help men to better understand women and help women to better understand men. People may then change their outlook and behavior as they choose. But there are also times when it is best for both women and men to stand up for themselves.
I’ll add that patriarchal notions tend to push people apart through an unempathetic and unfeeling stand that women must do what men want, leaving women feeling disgusted, hurt and alienated from men they had once loved.
On the other hand, a feminist perspective, grounded in equality, empathy, compassion and an ability to express feeling, and love, brings us together. Look at the closeness of young men’s relationships with young women today in the post below. These are men who have been more influenced by feminism than any other generation. (And surprisingly, porn may be aiding their relationships, too. I guess it depends on how it’s used.):
Guys Are Getting More Romantic https://broadblogs.com/2012/06/11/guys-are-getting-more-romantic/
Obviously its unreasonable for one partner to be able to demand anything or everything they ever fantasised about in the bedroom.
But Mark makes a great point that is rarely stated so bluntly. If you want your man to not leave you, and do the dishes for you as well, then make him happy in the bedroom. There is the big secret of the male psyche that women don’t quite grasp.
Why should you “suffer” so the other can have pleasure, asks Broadblogs? (a) self sacrifice is important to a good relationship. (b) You might make it all back and more in getting the dishes washed. (c) You might get pleasure out of a happy partner. (d) You want to keep your partner. (e) you might learn to like it, just like I learned to like brussel sprouts.
I agree that relationships involve sacrifice. But I also feel that if something is upsetting to her, a woman (or man)should feel free to say no. Perhaps you don’t mean when it’s upsetting, I don’t know.
YES! Finally the world is catching on. Porn can be pleasurable but it can also be extremely harmful an ineffective if the viewer is not responsible or educated. Open safe communication with your partner to experience new things, imitate pornos and what not can be very intimate but there must be a solid foundation otherwise people can get hurt. From watching porn at an extremely young age (were talking single digits) i expected every guy to have a huge penis that will stay erect for a long time; that’s not normal. I learned my entire sexual script. Some sexual behaviours are instinctual, were genetically programmed to reproduce. But the foreplay and bells and whistles that porn-like sex is today is all socialized. Porn has even evolved since the 60’s and 70’s from romantic softcore porn, very quickly into rape fantasies and violent sex in the 80’s. Joined together with the information autobahn, we expect sex to be supercharged. Today i am aware of how porn and sexual images affect me. In my promiscuous youth i thought something was wrong with me. Today i have an explanation for my behavior, not an excuse! I am responsible for my actions but I can shine some light onto my history better understanding how porn affects my sex life.
I completely agree with the overuse of porn. People have declared that it is mainstream, so society has fallen in line. We are merely dulling the sensation of something that is meant to be experienced with another person. We only hurt ourselves when we build it up to the point where a majority of the population is considered “not as hot” as these porn stars. It has almost become taboo not to watch porn. Not to say that I agree with Rick Santorum that it should be banned, far from it. However it has become like everything in our society, too accessible for our own good. Anything in moderation, or it will become ruined forever.
Additionally, men who overuse can lose the ability to be stimulated. Check out this post:
Men Aren’t Hard Wired To Find Breasts Attractive
Overuse of porn might be a problem but lets be honesty with ourselves and note that the porn industry is booms because it feels void. Just like video games fill a void, Both give the player/watcher a certain spice that they don’t get from day to day life.
I wouldn’t say that there aren’t any perversions in the industry, but I also don’t think that it’s bad if it’s new. I can’t deny that there are certain acts introduced to me by porn that I want, but that alone doesn’t make them bad. Flowers, candies, candles, jewelry and accessories; these are all things promoted to men as a primary means of showing a woman you care, and women are constantly updated on their ever-changing trends. I believe that market has its perversions too, but it all comes down to exposure and desensitization. In a relationship, that’s usually more an issue of perspective than of what is right and wrong. It’s good to find someone with a similar perspective, or a complementary perspective. If your perspectives are constantly in conflict, that doesn’t automatically mean the other person is wrong, just that you disagree, and maybe it’s time to communicate a deeper concern, focus on a different part of life, or even move on. If an animal is thirsty, it will drink the nearest water too it, not seek out the cleanest water (not to mention it has no way of knowing WHEN it has found the cleanest water). That is not to assume the animal will not, after it has satisfied its thirst, make its way to a cleaner source of water. Throw human reasoning into the mix and it gets a bit more complicated, but those instincts, to choose convenience over searching or waiting, to find new sustenances and enthrallments, are what make life…life, in all its merciless grace.
The part of your article I disagree with is that you’re essentially saying “extreme” (which, believe me, has a very subjective definition in this realm) sexual acts are directly related to an absence of true intimacy, just because the initial exposure was exogenous (for a majority). I was pointing out that there are different kinds of intimacy, and just because the girl in the movie is “acting” like she’s having more fun than you do doesn’t mean she’s incapable of intimacy. It’s her job to act. Do you think writers should be scoffed at because their words are more pretentious and contrived? I think it’s part of the process.
I agree that just because something is new that doesn’t make it a perversion. Just saying you can’t make a comparison of porn acts with the naturalness of animals.
The only problem comes when men learn to develop tastes that most women find troubling. And then men feel like they’re missing out when their partner doesn’t want to do them. Or she does them but is hating it.
Giving flowers, candy doesn’t seem to be on the same order as expecting men to ejaculate on your face, or wanting a wife to suffer through the emotional turmoil of a threesome. (Not saying some women aren’t up for that. But an awful lot aren’t.)
You’re right that the piece reads as saying, as you put it, “”extreme” sexual acts are directly related to an absence of true intimacy.” And I agree that that doesn’t necessarily need to be the case, though it can be when sex is focused on acts and not intimacy – something many women complain about.
I appreciate your desire for communication with your partner when wires get crossed.
Thanks for your perspective.
Women need to realize the intimacy side of sex is also media/culture-driven. We are animals. We have passions. Something doesn’t have to be eternal, disney-sprinkled love to invoke true passion. There are many different kinds and levels of passion, each with their own merits, and I doubt any of us get to experience all of them. Go watch the discovery channel for a while and tell me what it looks like to you — a drawn out, emotional exchange finally leading up to the climax, or a hormone-crazed male looking to hurriedly satisfy his urges. Men have sexual and emotional needs. Women have sexual and emotional needs. These needs are often different, but can be complimentary. Just as men need to consider going “hardcore” on the intimacy stuff to hold up their end of the bargain, women need to put some effort into the “hardcore” sexual desires of the men. Humans have a much higher capacity for emotional reasoning than other animals, sure, but we can’t forget those common biological ties we have with our lesser, warm-blooded friends.
Ok, but a lot of stuff in porn, like threesomes, ejaculating one women’s faces, and anal, are not things that men used to fantasize about. (I’m not aware of animals doing any of these things, either). Men have learned these tastes from porn.
And the porn industry keeps men coming back by helping men develop tastes for things women don’t like. Then the ONLY place men can get it is by returning to porn. Some women enjoy this –- or act like they do to get/keep a guy — many don’t.
However, you make a good point about trying to meet each other’s needs/desires (if you’re not really upset or grossed out, anway).
Anal is pretty old, Threesome are probably just as old, Greek and Romans had a monoply on those kinda acts. Should a man feel ashamed at watching porn? I don’t really thinks so if a woman doesn’t want to do the acts that a man find attractive she should move on to another man that is more her needs and he should do the same with another woman.
Blessed Son, gay actions are old too, as well as anal sex done on men, not only on women. Do you forget that?
The problem with the degradation of women in porn is big and it shows that for men women are just sex objects. You don’t care if a woman as lesbian or not- girl on girl in cool for you, right, because lesbianism isn’t serious like women aren’t serious and they will always want you only if you want them- objects. Being the active is ok, the passive is degrading so woman acting like a man- sexy, men being penetrated- not ok.
For you anal is degrading this is why it’s ok only of women recieve it.
You feel women have some power, because you sexualize them, why don’t you want men to be sexualized too? Because it’s degrading.
Your porn is already mainstream, so women act like porn actresses and we live in your fantasy, “poor” men. I really wish women would deny you sex and would start to have sex only with women, after all this is what you want, so that you will be hurt with you own stones. The problem is that women are such an idiots that they will suddenly stop liking lesbianism when you say so. Sometimes I feel that women totally deserve what they get, I’m only sorry that women like me suffer because of that.
The problem is not with some movies depicting sex, the problem is that they reflect your attitude toward women and they become as sexist as you men are.
I find it a little one sided that women seem to loathe the ideal that a man watches porn. As a man I’ve watched porn for longer than I’ve dated, It has never led me or anyone I know to think for a moment that women are going to be even remotely like a Jenna Jameson or a Cherokee. We find that attractive the same way a women might enjoy a romance novel or a movie such as At First sight or the notebook. It is a slice of fantasy to enjoy but nothing to really form an expectation off of.
It’s not to say all men expect porn-star treatment. Some do, as they say in the article.
Mark Franco your my fing hero and what you said is 100 percent true.Begining of relationships sex 2 3 4 times in a row daily or every other day. BJ’s all the time about six months in it slowly goes to “um you know its been a week right?””I know im just tired…”5 years in 3-4 weeks no action..Im 31 hell yes Im going to watch porn and alot of it at this rate.I once told my wife “Im tired of doing myself”do you think that changed anything Hell no!Porn has never let me down sexually so ill keep that around but a woman has.Rant over
Given what you say, turning to porn makes sense in the context you describe. Sometimes porn is helpful, sometimes hurtful. Depends on the situation.
Like I always say, as long as a mans cock is happy it’s all that matters. They have no feeling for anything else in the world, every damn thing comes down to their cock.
Men normally do think with their cocks first. As a man I’ve learn that to protect myself I would have to do that less. I found that once you take sex outta the equation women seem less personality wise, its a burden off my back when I can treat them the same as men since I don’t need anything from them.
As far as porn stars go if you cant compete with them then so what. I would much rather have a women that is a takes care of her body and stays in shape rather than some dolled up porn star. Now porn is an outlet for men and women that get a bad press from people with and inferiority complex than don’t want to improve. If your man is looking at porn maybe he want some excitement that he isn’t getting if that’s so bad then try to help him instead of treating him like the bad Guy or telling him he is objectifying women.
Blessed Son out.
Yes Eloka. You finally get it. By your own admission you have demonstrated that you understand men. That is exactly how we are. Just look around you. Listen to the news. Very powerful men risk everything because they think with their cocks. Men who have risen to positions of prominence in sports, politics, business, entertainment, the military and even the clergy and who otherwise make good decisions in every other aspect of their lives, risk losing their careers, fortunes, families and reputations for a piece of ass. Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, General David Patraeus, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Michael, Prince Charles…..the list goes on and on. The women’s movement can’t change millions of years of evolution. Trying to change men is like trying to change the color of grass from green to pink. Again, you can’t deconstruct what evolution has spent millions of years constructing. You have 2 choices: Either accept and embrace men for the way we are and perhaps even use this knowledge to your advantage (the possibilities are limitless because we are very simple creatures and quite easily manipulated with sex) or forget about men and maybe try to explore the lesbian lifestyle or just completely forget about relationships and focus your energy on another area of your life.
Personally…. I enjoy sex with my partner. I wanted to keep him satisfied and turned on for me. But as he continued to make comments about this woman or that woman and sometimes would rather jerk to his fantasy rather than wait an hour for me to be there with him, I felt unappreciated. I felt that I couldn’t turn him on and that porn was more of a turn on. It made me very insecure to know that the sight of a hot pornstar was a better choice sexually than the physical woman who did anything to give him pleasure. I give up.
It’s pretty sad what porn can do to real relationships. I doubt he’s better off as a result.
I am a 46 year old man who has been in many sexual relationships with women and was completely monogamous for 12 years in marriage. I must say that after analyzing my own sexual experiences with women and after having many conversations with heterosexual men about the quality of sex in their relationships, I must say this: Long before pornography was prevalent and easily obtainable, married men and men in long term relationships have almost always been unhappy with their sex lives. It has nothing to do with pornography; in fact, I believe pornography is helping many men cope with their sexless marriages. Here is the reality of the problem: At the beginning of relationships, even the prudest of women feel the need to act like porn stars. They will do everything without being asked. Many of the men that I have talked to, including myself, talk about the famous “car BJ”. Yes, we all get a BJ in the car (and many other places) at the beginning of a relationship and then, after a few months or years, we can’t even get a BJ in bed. And if we do get it, it will only come after much begging and maybe even manipulation on our part, which leaves us feeling like un-desirable, pathetic fools. That is just one example of many. Bottom line is this: Ladies, whether you agree with what I am saying or not, the reality is that all men do complain about this and sure, you will say that you don’t feel “it” anymore, maybe he doesn’t send you flowers as often as he used to, but hey, chances are that when you first met him, you just wanted to do him all the time regardless of whether or not he had ever sent you flowers. Here is the real problem: Novelty is the strongest aphrodisiac for both men and women, but much more for women. A relationship can only be new once. I think that men are able to stay horny in a relationship because they get visually excited and if a woman has the desire and knows how to use her femininity and sexuality, she can keep her man sexually engaged indefinitely. Man have a much bigger hurdle to jump because there is really nothing we can do to keep a women in that super horny “porn star” state that they are in at the beginning of a relationship because that mental state is brought on by the novelty of the relationship and like I said before, it is impossible to re-create novelty more than once with the same person. Guys, all those things that your wife or long-term girlfriend doesn’t want to do with you anymore, I can guarantee that she will do those things again and she will even be willing to try new things if she gets involves in a new relationship… That is the cold, hard reality.
What you say makes a lot of sense, and I’m sure it is often true. But even early in realtionships a lot of women don’t want to behave like porn stars. And from what many men have said, including the man I site in the post (and many others in a book on men and pornography called Pornified), porn can also raise men’s expectations.
So both points are probably true for some people, depending upon the situation.
That is one of the most well-put explanations of that perspective i have ever read. I think it is true. I think it is only one side of the coin, but in many ways I believe that for men who wish to be monogamous, that this is true. I am a woman and I have experienced feeling and doing exactly what you have said.
Nearly all marriages are wife refusal sexless & agree with your reasons , most women deceitfully use sex as a bait to snare a man ,when they do not even like sex at all.
Women definitely lose interest in sex quickly when they have been with the same partner for a long time.
But what is happening isn’t usually quite what you describe. To the extent that she is deceiving, she is most likely deceiving herself too. She wants to believe she’s enjoying sex so she convinces herself that she does. But after she has been married a while it’s hard to keep convincing yourself of that.
But probably most often she actually is enjoying sex at first and then loses interest quickly.
Mark’s comments and other people’s response to it inspired me to write the post below. You might want to take a look at it:
Why Women Stop Being Porn Stars
in the past, sexuality was the number one form of entertainment. there is no romantic love without sexuality. the scarcity of naked bodies made men want a real womans body or her “pornography”. now thats not necessary. our society is becoming like the naked tribes where the power of someones body has no affect on the viewer. i think thats a good think. if that means women have lost the “power” over men of having a body then so what. theyll have to rely on their personalities which is how they want to be judged anyway isnt it?
reality is that men can easily give themselves orgasms and with porn its so easy. then without the horniness element men arent that interested in women. the modern world is so FULL of entertainment is hard to even keep up never mind having to give sexual pleasure to a woman, which takes ages and youre not even horny because you jerked off to porn. it honestly can feel like such a chore sometimes.
women on the personality front arent much different from men anyway. as a man, you have more in common with men anyway. also men feel no need to protect women, like finding a homeless puppy that needs you, because women today make plenty of money and are the majority of college grads, so they dont need men to “take care of them”.
everything is finding the level it should be at. lets see how it plays out
I was just reading something that said that while overdosing on porn is making many men impotent in real relationships, most men prefer to have sex with real women over masterbation-only sex. Most men also want emotional connections with women, at some point in their lives, anyway. So I guess the problem would arise for those men. Not to mention the women who want to have connection and sexual relationships with men.
It’s really not that hard to deal with this problem. Men need to decrease their porn usage if it’s creating problems. And they need to focus on the beauty of their real-life partners, not be distracted by how the women they’re with don’t match some plastic, airbrushed ideal. Men who realize there’s a problem and who change can have very healthy relationships, both physically and emotionally.
I think this is very true! A close friend of mine was in a relationship with a man who became addicted to porn at an early age. They were engaged to be married. When they were first together he was so excited by the newness of their relationship he was not spending all his time on the internet. After their engagement she moved in to his house and he went off on a porn binge. He was so obsessed with porn he lost his job and started asking her for “odd” sexual favors out of nowhere. He started asking her about her friends and if she would bring them home, he asked if he could urinate on her. After she refused his weird requests he stopped having sex with her entirely and chose self-pleasure over her. She was devastated and left the relationship. I think that some men have a serious potential for being true porn addicts and become so overly stimulated that they need more new visual experiences to continue the high of porn. I think men in this state are like drug addicts and can be treated.
If someone has a problem with porn to the point where they cannot interact with real women sexually than they should seek counseling or take responsibility the way an alcoholic would. Cancel your internet, get out of the house, go to meetings (there are meeting in the A.A. format for porn addicts), cancel your porn accounts, and whatever else needs to be done. I think the men in these situations also need to be made aware of the damage they are doing to their own psyche and to psyche of others. They can do serious mental damage to their sexual partners. The objectification of women in porn is sickening. I personally feel like it creates an unattainable fantasy for men.
As I see it, men don’t want personalities, but oral sex and swallowing. Women with personalities, desires of their own, ideas of their own, are the only thing most men don’t want nowadays.
But i have to agree with you. Masturbating and erotica has helped me not care so much when I’m not in a relationship or when he leaves me. Real sex is not as important to me now. It helps me focus on something more important: my school, reading, my job, becoming a succesfull person in life.
And as for the emotional part, friends take care of that. It seems kind of “bad”, but it actually isn’t. 🙂
I wouldn’t say it’s bad. It’s just that the majority of women want more emotionally bonded sex. When there’s a mismatch (as when men get their sex ed, sexual notions from porn, and just assume that that’s what all women want) is when there’s a problem.
I have never been one to watch porn, however my high school boyfriend would. Occasionally he would leave a window open on his computer or hide magazines in plain site and I would find them. At first I was kind of okay with it, but as I thought about it some more I realized how uncomfortable it made me. In a sense I felt like I had to live up to this porn star image that he was obviously idealizing in his head. I tried talking to him about it but I still think he watched it behind my back. In reality its not that big of a deal but it still made me extremely uncomfortable.
In my opinion most people like to bring fantasy to life and when their expectations aren’t met with they try to find other ways or people they can create this fantasy with. Yes, when you look at these women their actign is not only horrible but unrealistic. But if’s all about luring the person in who is watching the film. But i feel these images are not healthy becasue it makes it nearly impossible for the average person to be able to ful fill her husbands or boyfriends sexual needs.
People need to meditate and get a lot healthier (men and women). I think the problem is not just the porn but that people really aren’t enjoying sex that much and are so repressive and don’t know themselves anymore. Porn is bad maybe also because it doesn’t show more love or relating between the people. However, I think that would ruin the business to show real connections because people would understand that and feel their lack more clearly and not be turned on anymore.
As with a lot of things the fantasy seems to always surpass the reality in terms of pleasure. Pornstars are not paid to display intimacy and romance that comes from sex, but rather the hardcore, animalistic side of sex. Which sadly to say influences what some men believe their relationships with women should come close to, basically forcing men to detach their emotions from sex and replacing them with animalistis behaviors and actions. Most of this stems from peer pressure from other men and soceity, especially a soceity or friends highly exposed to porngaphic material. Thus causing men to set thei standard too high or compare real women to unrealistic models and behavior, which in truth are totally false.
But exposure to porn can also negative affect on men’s perception of themselves. Through viewing the behaviors and acts demonstrated by pornstars men can feel that they must also compare themselves to the actors on screen. One concern that some men face is the issue of body image, especially in terms of penis size. Similar to the argument stated in the article, like some men, some women expect their men partners to “measure up” to the performers they see in adult flims or read about in novels. In many ways men that undergo this treatment react in the same as do women, they tend to suffer from low self-esteem, low confidence and jealousy. This issue in men goes hand in hand with women who feel large breast are needed order to feel sexy and worthy of male attention.
My conclusion to the argument reality versus fantasy is that each individual has the right to seek out their own desires, as well as that each individual should be confident in who they are and disregard the negative thing others have to say.
Maybe it’s the lack of education or just sheer ignorance in men/boys but it’s dangerous for them to believe that porn stars orgasms are real. I’ve had the discussion a million times with my guy friends and there are certain people who think the climax is real for the woman. Three minutes, in and out? – I think not.
We live in a world where internet is replacing face to face conversations so maybe it’s time for the intimacy to be replaced too. It’s sad. A man expects the sex to be what they see in porn but even worse is that young girls starts to internalize that they should behave as porn stars. Again patriarchy plays into it, so what can be done about it? Maybe apply some “realistic” education about how women actually function and make girls realize that they have a right to be themselves, have real intimacy and enjoy their sexuality.
I think you are right. Some porn nowadays seems to be just another way of impossing masculine dominance. Women need to stop doing everything a man wants in bed. This for me is a step back in the history of women.
After reading just the Title of this Blog I knew I was going to comment! So my sister, her boyfriend, my boyfriend and I were having dinner and pornography was brought up with the question “Is watching porn cheating?” By the way we are all in our early twenties. So my sister and I automatically felt it’s a form of cheating, while the males argued, of course, it was not. The argument behind it being a form of cheating was you picked her. We felt that the women in the porn are not realistic and frankly “ugly”. We felt we were competing against women by the choice of the porn they picked, for example if my boyfriend picked to watch a porn with a women with big breast he must want that but I have a small bust line making me feel inadequate of ever fully satisfying him visually. On the contrary both men agreed it was not the look or the women in the film it was the actual act of penetration, not the extra noises or other obscene acts. After the conversation I felt more secure with whom I was as a “Real Woman” having the insight that I was competing with something that had nothing to do with my beauty, sound effects or acting.
Depends on the guy. Some men who become overexposed to porn have a hard time getting aroused w/women who don’t fit the porn mold. Others are okay. I’m glad your boyfriend is good w/how you, a real woman, looks.
Every man will say that…let’s be real. I wish my boyfriend had a bigger penis and I only watch porn where the man has that kind of ….instrument, but I always tell him “O, I adore the way you look”. I’m not going to hurt his feelings. No man will ever say to his girlfriend that he watches porn to see other naked, beautifull women as well and that he is dissatisfied with the way you look, unless he wants to break up with you.
Let’s get real, people. You compare even if you don’t want to do it.
And love does not always involve the exclusion of your attraction towards other people.
Well actually, not every woman likes a big penis, which is actually painful for some women and does nothing for women who orgasm through the clitoris (most women).
But even if other people are attractive, why not see what’s beautiful about the person you’re with? Doing so will make everyone more satisfied. Our preferences are taught to us, and it is actually possible to see through new eyes that aren’t so manipulated by media/our culture. I know because I have done this.
I strongly feel that the mass infusion of online porn is changing how men view women. As if women and young girls in general didn’t already have enough pressure to look or perform a certain way to suit the visual and sexual expectations of most men, now let’s throw in the added impact of endless images of women and young girls as purely sexual objects available to every male in the world with an internet connection.
The advent and proliferation of online porn has created mental libraries of sexual fodder that impact sexual, behavioral, and visual expectations of women by men around the globe. As a former esthetician who used to do mainly “traditional” bikini waxes with only an occasional request for a “Brazilian” bikini wax, it became more and more common in recent years to do mainly “Brazilian” bikini waxes with the increasingly rare request for an occasional “traditional” bikini wax. In retrospect, I can easily correlate the increase in female requests for waxing off all pubic hair to the rise of the online porn industry. The rarely openly discussed, but very real, pressure women feel to visually please or sexually perform to “keep” or attract a male is the key to the remarkable profits of the beauty industry.
My ex-husband admitted he was an online porn addict and honestly seemed powerless to stop his ongoing abuse of online porn (even with the help of therapy), which in turn ended our marriage. Men I’ve dated since usually tell me online porn is just an easy way to access varied, stimulating imagery to give themselves self pleasure when they feel the physical or mental urge.
I view an ongoing need or desire for viewing online porn as a potential relationship hazard. If men are visually accustomed to achieving quick orgasm through viewing shaved, waxed, polished, glossy, shiny, sparkly parts of women’s bodies, there can very easily be an eventual breakdown in real, private, intimate, one-on-one, human interaction in the bedroom where most women realistically have hair, bumps, bruises, cellulite, stretchmarks, or body fat.
I can honestly say that I have been through a lot over the years and I fear very little in life. I do, however, as a parent, fear what the future psychological and societal impact will ultimately be of such mass exposure to online porn as the current generation of young men and women have experienced in recent years.
I agree with you. I am 22 and already I am considering the possiblity of not having children, at least not girls. If women don’t start voicing their frustations and start thinking about themselves more, we are going to see another age of male dominace.
From my point of view, as a woman, if I were to live in America, I ‘d reconsider my intention of getting married with a man. I’m reconsidering it here, in Romania. It seems the “sexualizing” process /porn period that has begun a couple of years ago is going to destroy, in a form or another, family life as we know it. I actually believe that for many women it is safer to have a child on their own and avoid a future divorce due to high and unrealistic expectations from men, than to actually get married, have children, and then ten years later see him leaving you because you don’t “perform” like a porn star. Especially since young women and teenage girls have no problem nowadays in separating a man from his family. Men are not that interested in marriage and love anyway. They see it as a burden.
Interestingly, today the gay community is much more interested in marriage and love than heterosexual people…strange
You are missing the point. If women don’t want men to leave them after 10 years for not performing in bed like a porn star, then women shouldn’t act like porn stars at the beginning of the relationship. Don’t do sexual things at the beginning of a relationship that you’re not willing to do many years into the relationship. That is false advertising and it is unfair. Men expect you to be as sexual after 10 years as you were at the beginning of the relationship. At the very least, don’t get upset at him when he visits a woman that will give him what he wants if you’re not willing to do so.
Mark Franco it’s not false advertising! After 10-20 years your body can’t do the same things that it used to. I still love sex and thankfully my boyfriend is a feminist and anti-pornorgraphy advocate like me (women they do exist so DON’T settle!)
We used to be able to do many different things, but as you age in tones down a little. Not just with me but him too. You don’t live in reality, just another porn freak.
On the contrary Eloka, if you read my post from October 22, 2012 you will see that I don’t like porn. I think it is a bad substitute for the real thing. Here is the post that I am referring to:
“From the beginning of time, men (and quite a few women) have found it very difficult to remain monogamous for various reasons. The difference is that now, men have a safer but less rewarding outlet to vent their sexual frustration. Many men are turning to internet pornography rather than engaging in an affair with a real, live woman. Masturbating in front of a computer screen is very pathetic but safer than hooking-up with a real person. There is no risk of disease, pregnancy, jealousy and no expense. So if anything, pornography has made the inevitable act of adultery, much safer than it ever has been in the history of mankind. That’s one positive way to look at it…… Still, watching porn on the internet as a replacement for real sex has to be one of the saddest and most pathetic forms of existence. I think a man will have more respect for himself if he has the courage to go out and get what he wants rather than pleasuring himself in virtual reality.”
In my last relationship, my boyfriend was really into watching porn. I personally thought it was disgusting, and had absolutely no interest in it, and on some levels felt like I was being compared to those girls, and felt almost as though I had to compete for his attention in terms of sexual attractive-ness. I had told him about my feeling of him watching porn, and casually asked if he would stop just to be sensitive and respectful of my feelings. In my opinion, someone in a relationship has no need to watch porn, and in many ways (if the girlfriend doesn’t ‘approve’) can be disrespectful. It gives of the idea and feeling that the girlfriend is not satisfying enough, or ‘available’ at any moment. Once I told my boyfriend how I felt, his immediate response was that I shouldn’t worry and that “every guy does it..you shouldn’t have a problem with it”. I felt like my feeling weren’t being considered, understood or respected. There were a few fights over this issue, mostly in the sense that I felt like regardless of his opinion, it was a serious issue to me and at that he should respect my request, simply because I was his girlfriend. After a while, he finally gave in, and stopped watching porn. In my opinion, porn is a demeaning view of women, and sex. It creates an image of sex as just a casual act, when I feel strongly that it is very meaningful and should be a moment of deep connection rather than just casual pleasure. Having sex with someone is like giving that person a tiny piece of you; you open yourself up to them, and are vulnerable; and porn in that sense completely takes advantage of women and their meaning.
No one can be perfect because everyone has his or her own taste in what is sexy. Not all men want fake breasts and not all men want a porn star in the bedroom. Some men like big girls and even cheat on the smaller girls with big girls just to have arm candy. Some men want a close and real relationship. I know that the majority of men, it seems, would want the “perfect women” but the truth is that I have noticed that those who get that end up cheating on them with the choice that is really in their heart.
Hi
For years women from other countrys have bought into U.S.A ideas of the unrealistic Barbia doll image of what a beautiful woman would look like. The babys rattle shows the conflict cultures are having. Young women are being told to emulate this kind of unrealistic image by parents.
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