By G. Gayton
I am a man. And a feminist.
In fact, I was a feminist before I’d ever heard the word.
That’s partly because as a kid I didn’t stick to “boy things.” And caught hell for it. Read the rest of this entry →
I’m told I’m good-looking, but I think I’m more average. But that could be a remnant of how often I was bullied in middle and high school.
That’s from a woman who commented on my blog.
But being bullied doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive.
Plenty of women are bullied because they’re “too pretty.” Read the rest of this entry →
Some are angry that other girls are more attractive than them, and seek to extinguish the threat.
Others want to lift themselves up by putting someone else down.
And some project their body hatred onto other women. And then attack. Read the rest of this entry →
My junior year in high school, there was one girl who didn’t want to be my friend. She turned my whole group against me. We were also all on the dance team, so on water breaks, I sometimes had fake phone conversations so they thought I had friends.
That’s how Molly Thompson endured high school.
Lauren Paul was tortured every single day of high school by a group of girls who were angry because a boy liked her instead of one of them.
As a little girl I wanted to be a boy. As a teen I wanted to be a Cosmo Girl.
I got punished either way.
Sometimes so badly that I stopped eating and started hiding and cutting.
Many scrapes and bruises later, I’m glad to be me. Read the rest of this entry →
Stereotypes and evolutionary psych say men slut-shame because they want to know that their partner’s babies are not some other guy’s.
McMaster University psychologists told college women that they were studying female friendships. They actually wanted to see how women respond to sexy vs non-sexy women, as pictured above. Read the rest of this entry →
Ellen Chase bought some chickens, both for the eggs and the entertainment value. They quickly formed a pecking order, leaving the bird at the bottom madder than a wet hen. Eventually, that chicken realized that a blind hen was even more defenseless than her. “Fearful and isolated from her short lifetime of harassment,” Chase says,
It didn’t take her long to realize that here was someone more defenseless than herself, and all her pent-up anger came out in merciless attacks, random and unprovoked.
Miami Dolphins bully Richie Incognito is a lot like that chicken: Read the rest of this entry →
Her torment began her first year of high school. Kids teased her, slashed her tires, and threw Barbie doll heads, or red paint, all over her yard.
Homecoming week was the worst. Some students created a giant poster with her picture on it, took it to a pep rally and chanted, “You are ugly.” Afterwards, they chased her from the bleachers and drenched her with water guns.
Britney tried to kill herself, but failed. Thinking back, she adds, “Thank God.”
After the suicide attempt she chose to do home schooling.
She says the experience was scarring and still haunts her.
But since then she has worked to make the best of her life, and that experience.
Kids said she was ugly?
Over at The Nation Jessica Valenti wondered whether beauty is a worthy goal in the first place. At best, beauty is a short-term solution. And not much of a solution at that, if the sole focus is a one-dimensionality that keeps us shallow.
Plus, Valenti says,
We create a trap where anything that makes a girl feel better about her appearance, no matter how harmful, is a reasonable solution. (How many times has plastic surgery been preceded by an “I’m doing it for me!” explanation?)
Throughout history women have been convinced they must have various physical characteristics or accessories that harm their health: tiny waists, small feet, high heels, girdles, corsets, boob jobs…
All at the expense of extreme discomfort, scrunched vital organs, pulmonary disease, varicose veins, a lack of vital nutrients, crippled feet and knees, deadened erotic sensation, a block to cancer detection, death…
It’s all made worse by calling variation from beauty norms a “deformity” – just to make a buck. Doctors have told some of my students that they needed corrective surgery for their breasts. And that’s how Nadia’s doctor described her “need” for an operation:
She wasn’t picked to have her surgery because she was bullied. She was picked because of her deformities.
No wonder Valenti groaned,
This is our culture now: teen girls thinking that the slightest perceived imperfection—any deviation from what they see in magazines—is tantamount to deformity and in need of surgical correction.
… We should tell girls the truth: “Beautiful” is bullshit, a standard created to make women into good consumers, too busy wallowing in self-loathing to notice that we’re second class citizens.
And in fact, being called ugly can be useful. Jessica was teased before she grew into her face, as she put it. But,
In a lot of ways I’m glad I was considered unattractive as a kid—there is an upside to ugly. I developed a sharp sense of humor, a defense against the taunts. I thought more deeply about how good and bad people can be. I started writing. I found feminism.
Some who commented on my first Nadia post had similar experiences:
I was teased relentlessly when I was her age for my big ears, flat chest, and the amount of body hair that I had. Today I am grateful for a mother who didn’t care that I was being bullied for such superficial things and did not allow me to make permanent changes to my body to escape bullying. Eventually I grew into my body and in the meantime, while it was painful, I found people who didn’t give a shit about those things, and now most days I feel completely comfortable in my body and my own unique beauty.
Some come to understand that the tauting isn’t about them but about the taunter.
I suffered bullying when I was a kid, and I discovered that people who do this kind of thing usually are trying to move attention from them; they usually have self-esteem problems.
Instead of agreeing that beauty is worth having, Valenti suggests we should be warning that a culture that demands as much is toxic.
Or, as another commenter suggested, maybe we can expand our notions:
I used to have a pretty narrow definition of beauty until at age 15 I started drawing the faces of the people I saw around me, often on the city bus on the way home from school. That is when I began to see a new world of beauty everywhere I looked.
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Fourteen-year-old Nadia Ilse got plastic surgery on her ears, nose and chin so kids would stop bullying her. She told Good Morning America:
I felt horrible. I felt like I was like dirt. They said that I have the biggest ears that they’ve ever seen. They called me ‘Dumbo,’ ‘elephant ears.’
Over time the bullying escalated. School became a nightmare, and she got so she couldn’t bear to look at herself in a mirror as she began to believe the slurs.
All this raises questions.
Like how the world seems to think that beauty – a plastic, superficial part of us — means something real. Like how moving a few millimeters of skin, bone and cartilage here and there makes all the difference. A few tweaks and kids go from bullying to accepting. And Nadia goes from crying herself to sleep and having suicidal thoughts to just going about her day.
Why do so many of us see the world in such superficialities?
I would like to ask the bullies if they would judge a person unworthy on such flimsy grounds if they were the ones whose ears were a bit large.
What if there is a God who purposefully creates people who go against beauty norms? What are we supposed to get out of that? Are we to develop empathy and compassion? Are we supposed to move away from the surface and superficial to see what really matters? Should we learn about what is real and what is ridiculous?
And should we really care what ridiculous people think?
Gore Vidal once said:
Don’t care about what others think of you. What matters is what you think of them.
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