Category Archives: violence against women

Shades of Craving Your Own Abuse

imagesI’ve mused over why so many women want Fifty Shades of Grey. Some may crave a brief escape from the power and responsibility of their lives. Others may fetishize their own disempowerment. Random happenings may play a role. And certainly, a media blitz that eroticizes the degradation and torture of women can end up living in women’s own heads.

Some stick to fantasy and role-play. Others come to accept, or even crave, their own abuse.

Alisa Valdes was raised a feminist but eventually learned to submit when she met “the Cowboy.” What began as obedience turned violent, as when he:

dragged me down the hall to the bedroom, bent me over, and took me, telling me as he did so that I must never forget who was in charge.

The violence escalated and she eventually leapt from a moving truck, fearing he would kill her.

Or, I read this on the feminist blog, Jezebel:

“Hit me. Harder. Hard.” …

I slapped her as hard as I could. She made a noise, like crying but also like a hot intake of breath. She nodded. I did it again, a little less hard. I could see her face darkening and didn’t want to leave a mark. My hand stung. I assumed her face hurt more… As we fucked increasingly hard, she made noises I didn’t know. I took them as cues, so I would slap her as hard as I could, as hard as she seemed to want. 

Another woman posted this comment on my blog:

However, as far as the violent sex goes, I will admit being one of those women who enjoys it. 

I also know from experience, however, that violent sex is addicting and only induces more desire for increased violence, which almost became borderline physically dangerous sometimes.

We experience pain for a reason. It is a warning to stop whatever we are doing because it is harming us. People who lack pain receptors die young.

Does this eroticization teach women to crave their own abuse? Almost like a backlash to a movement that teaches men not to abuse and that teaches women they don’t have to take it?

A counterblast to a society that now provides women’s shelters, hot lines and mandatory arrest? Maybe we can get you to crave your own abuse, without complaint?

That’s one of my worries about the Dominance/submission trend, which includes the appeal of Fifty Shades.

In my next post in this series, I’ll look at how sexualizing male dominance keeps male dominance sexy. After that I’ll consider the other side: pro-orgasm feminism that wants women to cum, however they cum.

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Why Women Want Shades of Grey
Learning to Like Torture in Shades of Grey
Enslaving Sex Objects

Male/Female Friendships Help End Rape

220px-WhenHarryMetSallyPoster[1]by Michael Kimmel PhD

Cross-posted at Sociological Images

Let me ask you a question: Do you have a good friend of the opposite sex?

Odds are you do. In fact, the odds are overwhelming.

When I first began teaching, 25 or so years ago, I asked my students how many of them had a good friend of the opposite sex. About 10% said they did. The rest were from what I called the When Harry Met Sally generation. You’ll remember the scene, early in the film, when Harry asserts that women and men can’t be friends because “sex always gets in the way.”  Sally is sure he’s wrong. They fight about it. Then, thinking she has the clincher for her position, she says, confidently, “So that means that you can be friends with them if you’re not attracted to them!”

“Ah,” says Harry, “you pretty much want to nail them too.”

Young people today have utterly and completely repudiated this idea. These days, when I ask my students, I’ve had to revise the question: “Is there anyone here who does not have a friend of the opposite sex?” A few hands perhaps, in the more than 400 students in the class.

But let’s think, for a moment, about the “politics” of friendship. With whom do you make friends? With your peers. Not your supervisor or boss. Not your subordinate. Your equal.  More than romance, and surely more than workplace relationships, friendships are the relationships with the least amount of inequality.

This changes how we can engage men in the efforts to end sexual assault, because there are three elements to sexual assault that can be discussed and disentangled.

First is men’s sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, to sex. This sense of entitlement dissolves in the face of an encounter with your friends. After all, entitlement is premised on inequality. The more equal women are, the less entitlement men may feel. (Entitlement is not to be confused with resentment; equality often breeds resentment in the privileged group. The privileged rarely support equality because they fear they have something to lose.) Entitlement leads men to think that they can do whatever they want.

Second, the Bro Code tells those guys that they’re right – that they can get away with it because their bros won’t challenge or confront them. The bonds of brotherhood demand men’s silent complicity with predatory and potentially assaultive behavior. One never rats out the brotherhood. But if we see our female friends as our equals, then we might be more likely to act ethically to intervene and resist being a passive bystander. (And, of course, we rescue our male friends from doing something that could land him in jail for a very long time.)

Men’s silence is what perpetuates the culture of sexual assault; many of the excellent programs that work to engage men suggest that men start making some noise. We know the women, or know people who know them. This is personal.

Finally, we’re better than that – and we know it.

Sexual assault is often seen as an abstraction, a “bad” thing that happens to other people: Bad people do bad things to people who weren’t careful, were drunk or compromised. But, as I said, it’s personal. And besides, this framing puts all the responsibility on women to monitor their activities, alcohol consumption, and environments; if they don’t, whose fault is it?

This sets the bar far too low to men. It assumes that unless women monitor and police everything they do, drink, say, wear etc., we men are wild, out of control animals and we cannot be held responsible for our actions.

Surely we can do better than this. Surely we can be the good and decent and ethical men we say we are. Surely we can promise, publicly and loudly, the pledge of the White Ribbon Campaign (the world’s largest effort to engage men to end men’s violence against women): I pledge never to commit, condone, or remain silent about violence against women and girls.

Our friends – both women and men – deserve and expect no less of us.

Michael Kimmel is a professor of sociology at the State University of New York at Stonybrook.  He has written or edited over twenty volumes, including Manhood in America: A Cultural History and Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men.  You can visit his website here.

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Real Men Don’t Beat, Rape Women: A Guy’s View
Guys Are Getting More Romantic
Men, Women not from Mars, Venus

Learning to Like Torture in Shades of Grey

Mencontrol7What’s the appeal of Fifty Shades of Grey? As I’ve written before, release from power, fetishizing disempowerment, and random happenings may all play a part.

Internalizing a culture that eroticizes the degradation and torture of women surely plays a role, too.

A post from Feministing reads:

I am in no way surprised that many women, who have been socialized in a culture in which male sexuality is linked to domination and in which women are taught their sexual power comes from being wanted, have fantasies of submission.

When you are bombarded by images, ideas subconsciously get inside your head. And we are drenched in “male dominance is sexy” imagery.

Dolce-Gabbana-Ad-Sexist[1]Dolce & Gabana has a sexy ad suggesting gang rape. In another, a swimsuit-clad woman lies down as fully clothed men look menacingly down on her.

A Tom Ford eyewear ad seems to say F-you to a woman, in a BJ kind of way.

Fashion ads suggest that black and blue is beautiful.

At Superbowl XXXVIII Justin Timberlake slapped Janet Jackson around before ripping off her bodice.

Rhett Butler “takes” Scarlett in an act of marital rape – and she awakens sexually satisfied in the morning. Luke rapes Laura on “General Hospital” — and they fall in love.

secretaryLaw & Order: Special Victims Unit invites us to indulge in the rape, battering and torture of sex victims — usually women.

Meanwhile, The Secretary indulges in a little D/s on the side.

Or go to the ballet and watch a man overtake a woman in “Petite Mort” or “little death” (in idiom: orgasm).

On the music scene sexy women are routinely debased as bitches and ho’s while Eminem chants “I’m in flight high of a love drunk from the hate” while Rihanna submits saying, “I like the way it hurts” — and periodically returns to a lover who beat her.

Women are also watching more porn these days. Now showing: violence and degradation of women. Watching, they increasingly find it all arousing.

On the High Court Justice Breyer asks why thirteen-year-olds are protected from Playboy while video games that let boys bind, torture and kill a woman are just fine – so long as the she’s not topless.

2010-05SmuinPetitMort-GoodmanAs a kid I checked out Grimm’s Fairy Tales at the library only to read a tale about a woman who was punished by being stripped and driven through the town in humiliation as sharp spikes pierced her skin. Another childhood memory emerges of a woman being thrown over a man’s knee to be spanked on TV.

When young girls are steeped in these sexy images, is it any surprise that they come to see male domination and violence as sexy, themselves?

So really, it is no surprise that so many women are enthralled by the domination and submission of Fifty Shades of Grey.

I’ll talk more on what I make of all this later.

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
What Do Top Model and Hard Core Porn Have in Common?
Eminem Makes Sexism Seem Sexy
Virtually Attack Women, But No Nudity

Enslaving Sex Objects

stellaEvery day, girls are kidnapped and forced into sexual slavery. Stella Marr was attending Columbia University, working to make a good life for herself and escape the abuses of home. But the more she succeeded, the more violent her mother became. Her mom finally kicked her out of the house. A friend knew a friend who needed a roommate. But when she got to the apartment three men beat and raped her and locked her in a tiny room with no window. Next, they forced her into prostitution. Men bought her for sex, and some who knew she was enslaved didn’t care.

Not so long ago, even Osaka’s Mayor, Toru Hashimoto, excused sex slavery – at least in times of war — explaining that soldiers need “comfort women:

When soldiers are risking their lives by running through storms of bullets, and you want to give these emotionally charged soldiers a rest somewhere, it’s clear that you need a comfort women system.

Cleveland_Victims_461269305The “comfort women” enduring this intense trauma — which sounds worse than war to me — don’t need comfort (and freedom!) themselves? I guess only men count. Women exist only to serve them?

Then there are men who kidnap girls for their own uses. Like Cleveland’s Ariel Castro who was arrested last month for locking three young women in his house — even chaining them in his basement in the early years — while he emotionally, physically and sexually abused them.

And right now trial has begun in the Bay Area over the gang rape of a 16-year-old Richmond girl who was lured by a “friend” who saw her walking home early from a high school dance. The girl was  “slapped, punched, kicked, robbed, urinated on, groped and raped by both people and objects,” according to a news report. As many as 20 men were involved. Some laughed and took pictures. The ringleader said he wanted to “pimp her out.” Her enslavement was more short-lived, but nearly fatal.

Do these men have no sense of women as human beings? Are they mere objects that exist to sexually satiate men?

Instead of living fulfilling, growing lives, developing their potential and creating bonds with family and friends, these women are kept in small, dark rooms, beaten and raped. They are denied health care. Some are starved. One of the women Castro kidnapped was starved and beaten to induce miscarriages — from five pregnancies. About three quarters of Japan’s sex slaves died, while survivors were often left infertile from trauma or from STDs.

Kris Mohandie, a forensic psychologist who works with long-term kidnapping cases says, “These are some of the most catastrophic kinds of experiences a human being can be subjected to.”

He also says that when a man abducts a woman for his own personal pleasure — and for her pain — he has “had longstanding fantasies of capturing, controlling, abusing and dominating women.”

And that, in turn, comes out of a pornified culture that objecifies women and ties eroticism to their abuse.

You don’t find sexuality and violence tied together in every culture. Indians of America’s east coast were free from that sort of violence when Europeans first arrived. The Arapesh still don’t “get” rape.

But inside of violent, objectifying porn cultures, some men both find violence against women arousing and enact their fantasies in real life.

All the more likely when women are seen as mere objects that don’t deserve empathy as a result of objectification.

Violent pornography is also correlated with both aggressive behavior and men becoming more callus toward women who are sexually assaulted, says Robert Johnson of the University of Texas.

But the whole culture has become pornified, so it’s not just pornography that’s at fault. As Slippery Rock University’s women’s studies director observed about the Ariel Castro case:

Sadly, in a world that endlessly replicates and sexualizes male domination of women, I am not surprised that this “fantasy” narrative has been literalized. Though there are doubtless myriad factors that contributed to this nightmare crime, I hope that one positive outcome is broader critical analyses of how pornography normalizes the domination and degradation of women in pervasive and damaging ways.

Some wonder why we don’t talk about this. Maybe because critiques of violent, degrading porn seem anti-sex. But there are plenty of non-violent and non-degrading ways to enjoy sex!

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Eminem Makes Sexism Seem Sexy
Stop Selling Girls
Laughing at Violence Against Women

It’s Crucial to Call Women Names?

UnknownNot so long ago you could go to Facebook pages called “Violently Raping Your Friend Just for Laughs” or “Kicking Your Girlfriend in the Fanny because she won’t make you a Sandwich,” or pages promoting sexual violence against female Marines — and fb didn’t really care.

But after letting companies know that many of us would not buy products that were advertised on these pages, Facebook began including gender-based hate among its banned content, including racial and religious hostilities.

And so we move further away from normalizing women’s debasement.

But some guys are pitching a hissy fit. As Make Me a Sammich declared,

It’s amazing to me how many people seem to think that rape culture on Facebook is something to be protected and defended by coming to #FBrape and calling campaigners “bitches” and “cunts” and “fascists.”

All these guys with their knickers in a twist.

Really, why’s it so important to call women cunts?

I can see how women and girls are harmed by the name-calling and celebration of violence against them. Psych 101 says that when we are repeatedly called names many of us internalize and believe it. So girls and women could be left feeling degraded and secondary.

Rape jokes also signal to rapists that sex assault is normal and accepted. As Time Machine at Shakesville points out:

A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?  Rapists do.

Calling women cunts may buttress some guys’ sorry egos, making them feel “superior” by putting women down.

They don’t get that they make themselves look worse: depraved, small-minded and immature.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs
Frats Invite Sluts, Bitches; Women Accept Degradation. Why?
A Raped Girl Is A Joke
Raping, Shaming Girls to Impress Guys

“Eve Teasing” Gets Guys Off the Hook

Eve-teasing[1]Egypt’s fight for freedom and democracy is increasingly met with public sexual assaults. In addition to assault, rape and sexual harassment, rape-like virginity tests and tortures may also be administered. Or perhaps a woman will be dragged naked on the ground.

There’s a reason for that.

Many sexist men fear women’s power or the chaos of a receding patriarchy. But women’s rights are also symbolic of freedom for all, so best to snuff it out and demoralize other agitators.

The tormentors are aided, wittingly or not, by the media. As Laura Bates at The Women’s Media Center points out, article titles typically label it all “sexual-harassment” even though the behavior is much crueler: “grabbing, groping, stripping, touching and penetrating—acts that are more accurately described as ‘sexual assault’ or ‘rape.’”

She says the dismissive language is part of a wider trend:

In India, the term “Eve teasing” is popularly used to describe the public harassment, assault, or molestation of women. The term has gained global familiarity, spreading to other countries including Pakistan, Bangladesh, and Nepal and being used by the international media.

“Eve teasing.” Eve, a weak, lying temptress. Suspicion is cast upon the woman, herself.

And if it’s all her fault, she feels shame. Leopard, over at Crates and Ribbons, says shame can lead a woman to see her whole self as flawed with self-worth fading until she can no longer face public scrutiny and defend herself.

“Eve” joined by “teasing” tells us that the crime is small, “a bit of fun,” Bates says.  It’s not serious or threatening and the perpetrators mean no harm. Anyone who objects can’t take a joke.

Yet,

The problem is so severe that it has caused at least 14 women to commit suicide in Bangladesh, young men have been murdered in Mumbai for trying to protect their female friends, a 17-year-old Indian girl has acid thrown in her face for daring to resist it. It doesn’t seem particularly funny.

If women are at fault and the “teasers” mean no real harm, who will stop the assaults?

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Modesty Objectifies Women Says Nude Egyptian
Why Is There A War On Women?
Rape Victims Shamed Into Suicide. In Pakistan. In America

Laughing at Violence Against Women

image001“There’s a huge amount of online activity devoted to cultivating horrific impulses toward women,” says former sex-crimes prosecutor, Jane Manning.

For instance, while Facebook prohibits content that is hateful, threatening or incites violence, rape didn’t count until recently. It took a massive campaign to stop pages with titles like “You know she’s playing hard to get when you’re chasing her down an alleyway.”

Or, an upskirt picture of a woman lying face down on the floor was recently posted on Facebook. It got comments like these:

  • Id wake her up the HARD WAY and later say it wasn’t me
  • She also would have woke up feeling sticky and used!
  • Whuts da ho’ doin on da flo’ ?
  • An found a used codom in side of her
  • any man worth his salt would fuk it now

On Facebook it was easy to see who had viciously mocked the victim. Among them:

  • Men who like science, yoga, Buddhism, classical music and the local church
  • A supporter of a charity that campaigns against violence
  • A husband who works with a Christian Ministry
  • Fathers who seek support for special needs kids, campaign against animal cruelty, are proud of their daughters, and who want to be there for their children

Or, there’s Gilberto Valle, a New York cop who favored sites filled with men chatting about raping and torturing women, and even roasting and eating them. His wife, who knows him best, called the cops and flew to Nevada to escape him. She was one of his prospective victims.

Defenders say, “lighten up!”

What happens when we do?

It may well train women to accept both their diminishment and their submission. And it seems to make men more callous to women’s abuse. Others like Officer Valle, who had a plan to kidnap, torture and eat young women, are incited to violence. Around one in five American women have been victims of rape or battering.

Should we lighten up?

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
What Happens When You Beat A Sex Object?
What Do Top Model and Hard Core Porn Have in Common?

Frats Invite Sluts, Bitches; Women Accept Degradation. Why?

Gender-Bending Ads

imagesWhat if you lived in a world where gender-as-we-know-it were switched?

As you drive to work you see billboards with scantily clad men drawing your attention to products that they gracefully caress. Other men bend over in ways that make you want sex with them. In some ads women lord it over submissive men.

You arrive at your ad agency, and as Creative Director you take a look at new ideas your copywriters have brought:

Nip_Tuck_ Season 31) A dead man lies in an open trunk with his legs hanging over the trunk’s edge to show off some Jimmy Choo shoes. A woman stands nearby holding a murder weapon.

2) The silhouette of a man with a beer body and a foam head appears. Copy reads, “You never forget your first guy.”

3) Two women surgeons sit near a male patient who is sprawled over an operating table, dressed in just a thong. A scalpel “knife’s” his body in an ad for a TV show called “Nip Tuck.”

4) A man didn’t make coffee right so his wife spanks him.

In this world women are the dominant sex consumers who expect men to “turn them on,” passively open to them, and submit to them — sexually and otherwise. And if they don’t behave, the men will be punished.

Here’s a video on how such a world would look:

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Guys, Girls Swap Roles at a Bar
If Sports Were Covered Like Women’s Beach Volleyball
Men: Erotic Objects of Women’s Gaze

Unconscious Rape Victims Can’t Complain

3373924077_842726be39_o[1]A rape victim should not complain about being raped if she was unconscious at the time of the assault. She wasn’t really harmed.

So says University of Rochester professor, libertarian and former Slate contributor, Steven Landsburg, who is oddly popular. (With whom?)

He explains,

Let’s suppose that you, or I, or someone we love, or someone we care about from afar, is raped while unconscious in a way that causes no direct physical harm—no injury, no pregnancy, no disease transmission…

As long as I (the victim) am safely unconscious and therefore shielded from the costs of an assault, why shouldn’t (my attackers) be allowed to reap the benefits?

Prof. Landsburg began by musing, “Let’s suppose that you or I,” but has he really put himself in the victim’s place? Would he really be okay waking to find that he had been anally assaulted?

But then, libertarians appear to have low levels of empathy so maybe he hasn’t.

Prof. Landsburg seems to think that harm only counts when it is “directly physical.” What about emotional wreckage?

Jim Crow laws caused no physical harm to Blacks in Michigan. Even Mississippi Blacks were not physically harmed by separate drinking fountains and bathrooms or by sitting at the back of the bus.

Yet those laws said something disturbing about Black humanity and created emotional injury in the North and South, alike.

Racism and rape, among many other things, wreck emotional violence even without physical harm.

The intention of rape is to demean the victim and prove that the perpetrator has power, allowing him to feel his so-called “manhood” (defined by the rapist as powerful, domineering, violent, superior).

He defiles another to raise himself up.

Rape victims are too often, in turn, demeaned by the community. That’s what happened with the Steubenville rape – the assault that Prof. Landsburg refers to in his illustration. Kids made fun of the sixteen-year-old victim, sharing gossip and pictures. They recognized the denigration and spread it further.

Prof. Landsburg, even if a woman was not beaten and did not get an STD or a pregnancy, she was still harmed. And she has every right to complain.

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Real Men Don’t Beat, Rape Women: A Guy’s View
Mind of a Rapist: Trying to Bridge a Gap between a Small Self and a Big Man
Past life

Outrage at Blaming Rapists, Not Women

Zerlina-Maxwell---HannityA proposal: “Blame the criminal, not the victim.” And there’s an uproar?

Last week rape survivor, Zerlina Maxwell, went on Fox’s “Hannity” to discuss rape and guns. But instead of saying women should drink less, dress modestly, arm themselves and learn self-defense, like she “should have,” she told Hannity:

I don’t think that we should be telling women anything. I think we should be telling men not to rape women and start the conversation there… If you train men not to grow up to become rapists, you prevent rape.

And all hell breaks loose. The Blaze calls her words “bizarre.” Blogs and tweets say she should get raped.

“Thanks for the feedback, Internet dopes. Why would anybody think that you need some sensitivity training?” responds Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon.

Maxwell tells Salon that, “We need to teach (men) to see women as human beings and respect their bodily autonomy.” Williams points out that when you do, things change:

After Canada launched a “Don’t be that guy” consent awareness campaign in 2011, the sexual assault rate dropped for the first time in years — by 10 percent.

In fact, violence against women is much lower in non-patriarchal cultures that respect women. Both rape and battering were pretty much nonexistent among American Indians before Europeans arrived. Rape and battering have also dropped in the U.S. with a rise in feminism, according to Justice Bureau surveys of victims.

But why the rage when the focus of rape prevention turns from women to men?

Actually, the outrage hasn’t come from everywhere. It comes from right-wing groups — Fox News viewers and the like — who bolster the haves over the have-nots: typically whites, the rich, heteros and in this case, men, over everyone else.

Here, the matter relates to who is free and who is not. Do not even think about asking men to limit themselves. Women, on the other hand, should limit themselves: what they wear, what they drink, what time of day they leave the house… They must prepare themselves for defense against men who refuse to limit themselves. And continuing the right-wing rant, women must be stripped of freedom over their reproductive lives, entirely. No right to your own body in any way.

In this worldview even if rapists ACT, responsibility for the act must fall on the victim. Because men must be free, but women must not.

Popular Posts on BroadBlogs
Markets Must Be Free; Women Must Be Constrained
Cheerleader Ordered To Cheer Her Rapist, and Other Stories
11-Year-Old Blamed For Her Rape