Category Archives: rape and sexual assault
Women Don’t Rape, They’re Merely Insatiable
A 43-year-old German man met a 47-year-old woman in a bar. He went to her home and had sex with her, but when he wanted to leave she trapped him and demanded more. Seeing no other choice he agreed, expecting that afterwards she would let him go. But more wasn’t enough. Desperate, he fled out a balcony and cried for help.
She met her next victim on a bus. After his ordeal he was found “sobbing in the street” and begging the police, “Oh God, it was hell. I can’t walk. Please help me.” Sounds like she wounded him to prevent his escape.
Police charged her with sexual assault and illegal restraint. Yet the press is not calling her what she is: a rapist.
Beneath a photo of a couple in bed, the Mirror described the woman as a “nymphomaniac” while the Province posted the story next to a couple pictured blissfully in bed, and called the woman merely “insatiable.”
The inability to see this as rape likely stems from stereotypes about what rape is and who commits it.
Some people simply can’t conceive that men can be raped or that women can rape men. And that is likely mixed up with notions that men always want sex, and are – or should be – insatiable, themselves. And then there’s the belief that men can always overpower women, regardless of “technical help.”
Other stereotypes hold for both male and female victims. Such as, “What do you expect if you go to his/her apartment?” Or, “Once you say ‘yes’ you can’t say ‘no.’”
Some believe “rape myths” (false notions about rape) because that’s what they’ve always heard. Others hold to them because they make them feel safe. If a woman believes that only “bad girls” get raped, then she can feel more safe and secure. If a man believes that women can’t rape men, then he can feel secure, too.
Some just don’t get that rape means “sex without consent.”
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Condoms With Spikes
South African Dr. Sonnet Ehlers was on call one night four decades ago when a devastated rape victim walked in. Her eyes were lifeless; she was like a breathing corpse. “She looked at me and said, ‘If only I had teeth down there,'” recalled Ehlers, who was a 20-year-old medical researcher at the time. “I promised her I’d do something to help people like her one day.”
Dr. Ehlers eventually created a product she calls Rape-aXe. It’s a condom women wear that is inserted like a tampon. It has jagged teeth-like hooks that attach themselves to a penis and won’t come off without a doctor. “It hurts, he cannot pee and walk when it’s on,” Ehlers explained. “If he tries to remove it, it will clasp even tighter… however, it doesn’t break the skin, and there’s no danger of fluid exposure.”
She says that South African women are already resorting to extreme measures, like hiding razor blades in sponges in their vaginas.
Those extremes are caused by living in the “Rape Capital of the World” where a 17-year-old’s gang-rape recently went viral and where 40% of women say their first sexual experience was forced. A University of South Africa study estimated that 2,777 assaults are committed per day, totaling one million a year. The South African Law Commission believes the rate is even higher at 1.69 million per year. Sixty-five percent of victims are gang-raped. Forty percent are children.
Given what the condom is responding to, some criticisms sound odd, as when likening the device to “barbarous” and “medieval” torture. Dr. Ehlers admits, “Yes, my device may be medieval, but it’s for a medieval deed that has been around for decades.” More like millennia.
On the more practical side, others worry that it would only work if the rapist didn’t know it was there, didn’t remove it, didn’t resort to oral or anal rape, and didn’t simply begin raping younger girls.
And so the gadget would likely only work with a large-scale buy-in that was not publicized so that it could be used to identify rapists (who must go to a doctor) to get them off the streets.
So far Rape-aXe has not had any widespread distribution that would indicate its potential for rape-prevention.
The biggest problem is that the condom neglects the core issue: men feeling disempowered and using rape to regain a sense of power, while also venting their rage on women.
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Child Rape: Not As Bad As Contraception
Raping children is better than using contraception? Raping children is better than ordaining women priests? Raping children is better than using fertility treatments? Raping children is better than aborting a child to save a woman’s life? And priests raping boys is better than homosexuality and gay marriage?
It appears the Vatican thinks so, raising a furor over everything but child rape. That’s right, a nun was excommunicated for saving a woman’s life by allowing an abortion while pedophile priests were simply transferred to new parishes to abuse new children or were, at best, defrocked. Pretty sad when Vatican officials, including the future Pope Benedict, failed to defrock a priest who had molested a couple hundred deaf boys.
When the crimes of pedophile priests are investigated a nation may be rebuked for stifling church autonomy, as happened in Belgium. Or church leaders become defensive, as when Cardinal Timothy Dolan begrudged a global shaming, since only a few priests were involved in the scandal.
Most recently the Vatican admonished nuns for spending too much time caring for the poor, supporting health care reform, confronting bishops and questioning teachings on male-only priesthood — and not spending enough time fighting abortion and homosexuality.
Interesting that, as the Times’ Maureen Dowd put it, “Church leadership never recoiled in horror from pedophilia, yet it recoils in horror from outspoken nuns.”
Most anyone would find the moral priorities outrageous. Nonsensical even.
Yet one thing makes sense of it all (logically, not morally) and that is patriarchy: rule of the fathers, or here, church fathers.
In its earliest manifestation patriarchy meant the rule of old men over young men, boys, girls and women. This is the world that now stands behind Vatican walls. Old men do as they please and young boys take what they get. Old men who know little of the lives and hearts of women allow them no power over parishes, their bodies, or even their own lives should they become threatened by pregnancy. Anything that imperils the patriarchy must be battled. Anything that sustains the patriarchy is just fine.
Old men control all. And in a manner that is not very Christ-like.
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The Crimes of Hoodies, Short Skirts and Fannie Mae
“More guns, fewer hoodies” and we’d all be safer, Gail Collins advised in a New York Times piece after Trayvon Martin was gunned down for “eating skittles while black” – and while wearing said hoodie – in a gated community. A clear threat that had to be stopped.
That’s right. Guns don’t kill people, hoodies do: Trayvon Martin’s “hoodie killed him as surely as George Zimmerman did,” claimed Geraldo Rivera (who later apologized).
Sounds familiar. When women are raped short skirts become the culprit.
Yet few rape victims are wearing short skirts. And even nicely dressed black men can create fear. Journalist Brent Staples noticed that people got out of his way when he nonchalantly walked about. Amazed at his ability to alter public space, he tried humming Mozart to project his innocence. Seemed to help.
But why aren’t pricey cars, fancy suits and expensive watches blamed when rich, white men get robbed? What thief could resist?
Why? Because making more powerless members of society the culprit is meant to distract from the sins of the powerful. It’s women’s fault if men rape them, and it’s black men’s fault if lighter men kill them.
In another example, some blamed liberals for foolishly using Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to help Blacks and Hispanics “buy homes they couldn’t afford,” leading to the banking crises that nearly drove the U.S. economy off a cliff.
What really happened is that rich bankers gave rich campaign contributions to government officials, who in gratitude disposed of pesky regulations. That helped bankers get mega-rich by devising complex financial packages that no one could comprehend.
Used to be that when someone bought a home bankers made sure they’d get paid back. But under deregulation it didn’t matter because the loan was sold to someone else. And that investor sold the loan again. And financial packages were created and sold, composed of fractions of many people’s mortgage loans. They were rated AAA since they were 1) diversified – and hence, “safe” investments and 2) the housing market never goes down. (Yeah, right!)
Fannie and Freddie entered the process late, thinking they’d better join in or lose out.
When the housing market dropped and people couldn’t afford their homes, or sell them for a profit, the banks began collapsing. Lucky for them, the taxpayers bailed them out (or the whole economy likely would have collapsed).
Did deregulation get blamed for the fiasco? By some. But plenty of the “powers that be” — and especially “hate radio” — blamed Blacks and Latinos.
Because blaming more powerless members of society distracts from the sins of the powerful.
The crime does not lie with the man who pulls the trigger, nor with the man who rapes, and certainly not with the fat cat who pays to rig the game. No, the crime lies with those who wear hoodies, short skirts and who bank while black or brown.
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Rape Epidemic in South Africa. Why?
More than one in three South African men admits committing rape, one in seven has joined a gang rape, and more than three quarters admit committing violence against women.
More than half of South African women have experienced violence at the hands of men, and one-quarter will be raped by age sixteen.
Why? Two thirds of rapists felt sexually entitled. Some wanted to punish women who had angered or rejected them. Others wanted to turn lesbians straight. And some were just bored.
These “reasons” may only get at surface issues. What else is going on?
Rachel Jewkes, a lead researcher on the study of violence in South Africa, feels that racism lies behind the abuse.
Rape holds a sexual component, but it is essentially about power. When a large population is oppressed, say through racism – even as manhood is defined as “dominant and powerful” – men may use rape as a weapon to gain a sense of personal empowerment. Rapists are often trying to bridge a gap between their impotent selves and the dominant men they seek to be. Imagine the control they feel when they restrain, take over, and invade another person’s body. Imagine how high and mighty they feel in creating humiliation.
Gay bashing is another weapon whereby some men try to create a sense of male superiority. If women act like men (sexually/stereotypically) how can men keep their sense of dominance? Hence, the need for “corrective rape” in South Africa that seeks to turn lesbians straight.
In one attack Millicent Gaika was beaten and raped for five hours as her assailant screamed, “I know you are a lesbian. You are not a man, you think you are, but I am going to show you, you are a woman. I am going to make you pregnant.” Since the women are often murdered “correction” sounds less likely than gay-bashing as motive.
Others were simply bored. So the eroticized violence of patriarchy comes in handy: Oh, let’s have some fun!
This is helped when women are seen as sex objects, and not people who have their own lives, goals, thoughts and emotions. When women become nothing but objects for sexual pleasure, it’s no wonder that one third of the rapists said they did not feel guilty.
So here we have powerless men beaten down by racism who are trying to feel powerful, who live in a world where violence against women is eroticized, and where women are seen as mere objects. A recipe for epidemic rape.
Originally posted on January 14, 2011 by BroadBlogs
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Real Men Don’t Beat, Rape Women
By Ted Esparza
Constance Johnson was a domestic violence prosecutor – and also a battered wife.
She met her husband, Ben, in college and fell in love. They got married and were very happy for three years.
But then he began criticizing her. Everything was her fault. He was always right. She was too fat (at 110 lbs).
After they moved near her husband’s aging parents to help them – Ben’s idea — the violence began. He hadn’t seemed happy since the move and one morning he decided he didn’t like his breakfast.
“Make it yourself.” Constance told him.
— SLAP —
“Did he really hit me?”
Next, Ben shoved her onto their bed and told her not to “make him” hit her again. Later, he said he was very sorry.
Eventually Ben and Constance both entered law school, but after Ben dropped out to take over the family business the abuse escalated. Constance graduated from law school and developed a successful practice. But the more successful she became, the more violent he got.
She finally left him for good after he held a gun to her head in a fury.
The story of Constance Johnson reveals a huge problem with patriarchy. Men learn that manhood is all about being number one, being in charge, never showing vulnerability, never expressing emotions, and transforming any “weak” feelings into anger and rage – “manly” emotions.
Men learn that they are supposed to be powerful. But they aren’t always. And when they aren’t, too many try to create a sense of power by hurting women – including those they love. When they beat down a woman, or take over her body in rape, they feel strong, at least for a few moments.
In my mind the greatest problem with patriarchy, at least for men, lies in “tough guy” ideals that look powerful but actually reflect weakness.
Boys learn that “real men” don’t show emotion or reveal what’s hurting inside. But this only leads to an inability to deal with problems and personal trauma.
How is this manly?? It is not. It is childish. The “tough,” “domineering” ideals of patriarchy reduce men to children who can only express themselves through “grown up” temper tantrums that result in violence directed at others. I cannot for the life of me understand how this is considered manly.
We must redefine what it means to be a man – which is difficult because the redefinition MUST include traits that are considered feminine — like expressing emotion in a healthy way.
Manhood includes compassion and understanding, not narrow thinking and an over inflated sense of entitlement. It is understanding that women are essential to men’s very existence and loving them for that.
I will do my best to facilitate changes in my own life, and encourage my friends to take positive stances on sexism and what it means to be a man. I will also speak up when I see injustices occur, whether they be against women or anyone else.
I suspect I still do many things that are sexist without even realizing it, but that’s what the learning process is about: learning to make yourself into a better person – to the benefit of yourself and everyone else.
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How to Stop a Rapist
Women who fight a rapist are more likely to get injured than those who don’t, but they are less likely to be raped. And since physical injuries heal more easily than emotional wounds, fighting back is recommended by experts.
Rapists often depend upon a woman freezing with fear, making the crime easier to commit. But when women fight it can become so unpleasant that the rapist gives up, hoping for an easier target. (And if you yell for help, shout “fire,” not “rape.” People run to fires and away from sexual assault.)
That said, women who don’t fight should not be ashamed of their reaction. Every woman must use her best judgment at any moment, acting as she best sees fit in any circumstance.
As far as self-defense techniques go, it’s probably best to take a class, but here are a few tips that Cordelia Clancy of Concrete Jungle Self Defense offers when she visits our campus during Women’s History Month:
- Appear confident
- Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t wear things like headphones that distract your attention
- Trust your instincts. Your primal brain often senses things that the rational brain does not
- Leave a situation if you sense danger, and don’t worry about offending anyone
- Never get in a car if an assailant tells you to. Your chances of surviving are much better if you run away. And people who are running don’t make good targets
- Car keys between the fingers can make you look scared – and look like a promising victim
- Weapons can be used against you, and it can take time to get into a purse to get them, so use your body, and things that are easily in reach as weapons (a pen, a book)
- Make a hard part of your body go into a soft part of his
- Jab fingers into eyes – shoot your fingers quickly and hard, straight through, aiming for the back of his scull
- Jab a pen or notebook into his throat (to collapse a trachea)
- Knees into groin
- You get the idea
- And then run (you may kick him while he’s down first)
Students sometimes ask if they could do something less violent and gruesome, uncomfortable with the idea of poking someone’s eyes out. Cordelia says that if you just annoy him but don’t disable him, you’ll only piss him off. And that won’t be good for you.
To get into the right frame of mind to fight, you need to create a thought like, “F-YOU!! YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG GIRL!!!” to take you out of your everyday mindset and get into the frame of mind that you’ll need to defend yourself.
Don’t make your attacker’s life more important than your own.
Get more tips from Cordelia at Concrete Jungle Self Defense and look into taking a self-defense course.
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Men Who Hate Pretty Women
Let’s say I see a woman and she looks really pretty and really clean and sexy and she’s giving off very feminine, sexy vibes. I think, wow I would love to make love to her, but I know she’s not interested. It’s a tease. A lot of times a woman knows that she’s looking really good and she’ll use that and flaunt it and it makes me feel like she’s laughing at me and I feel degraded…
If I were actually desperate enough to rape somebody it would be from wanting that person, but also it would be a very spiteful thing, just being able to say ‘I have power over you and I can do anything I want with you’ because really I feel that they have power over me just by their presence. Just the fact that they can come up to me and just melt me makes me feel like a dummy, makes me want revenge.
When talking to men about women, Michael Kimmel, one of the nation’s leading researchers on men and masculinity, found that many men’s reactions became surprisingly aggressive. He cites a Men’s Health survey which found that one third of men believed women should be reported for sexual-harassment for their provocative dress. Or, a college chaplain claimed, “The way young women dress in the spring constitutes a sexual assault upon every male within eyesight of them.”
Kimmel says the anger comes from men feeling entitled to women’s bodies. And he says that’s not so surprising given all the “come-on” scantily clad images that surround them, whether in mainstream media or porn. According to Kimmel:
Guys believe that they are entitled to women’s bodies, entitled to sex. Unfortunately for them, a significant number of women don’t see it that way. And when entitlement is thwarted guys seek revenge.
Curiously, while psychologists, feminists and the legal system see male aggression as the initiation of violence, guys describe it not as initiation but as retaliation. What are they retaliating against? The power that women have over them.
All this came as a shock to me. I had known that many men love seeing sexy women on the street, in a bar, at work… I hadn’t known that others found the same visions torturous, as they craved what they couldn’t have. And resented the “rejection.” Maybe some men feel both ways, pleasure and resentment all at once.
The opposing perspectives are striking. Men who enjoy sexy women often feel powerful, believing the women choose to dress alluringly for their pleasure, to please men. Some even think women dress provocatively to feel sexual pleasure in feeling desired. Men who feel this way are turned on, and not angry.
Whether experienced as pleasure or pain, an awful lot of men take women’s appearance personally, thinking it’s about them.
Yet most women dress for their own self-esteem, leading to a double-bind when it comes to dressing sexy: damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Women feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful because society rewards them. Their self-worth often depends on it. But then women can end up objectified — being seen as all about sex and little else, or (now we know) leaving some men angry at them.
What’s a girl to do? What’s a guy to do?
Here are some thoughts. Maybe you have some ideas, too.
Some men learn that they should have power over women so that when it’s the other way around, they may feel angry and resentful. See women as your equals — neither less-than nor better-than — and respect them.
Some men come to feel entitled to women’s bodies. Know that we are all entitled to our own bodies, first and foremost.
To those who think that women flaunt their beauty as they laugh and degrade you, know that that’s not what’s happening. Women are simply trying to do what society tells them to do: look beautiful.
Many women and men unfortunately learn to see women in one-dimensional ways that are based on narrow notions of “beauty.” How about expanded vision? Why not enjoy beauty in its many forms and see women as people rather than sexy objects. And instead of being angry at women who aren’t interested in you, see the beauty of those who are.
A commentor calling himself Ocelot wrote an interesting reaction to this that I published, with permission, as a blog post. “Seeing Women as Magic and Evil” offers help for men struggling with this issue.
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Community Bullies Rape Victim
Last month Penn State’s Defensive Coordinator, Jerry Sandusky, was accused of sexually assaulting young boys. After the allegations became public one of the alleged victims became the target of bullying at Central Mountain High School in Mill Hall, Pa., where he had been an all-star athlete.
The young man, called “Victim One” in court records, says fellow students and even the high school football coach (who is also Assistant Principal) made verbal attacks and threats of violence after allegations went public.
When his mother reported the abuse, the school simply advised, “Go home and forget about it.” And in fact, the school’s Principal initially tried to keep Victim One from reporting Sandusky’s alleged assaults in the first place, his mother says.
Victim One’s mother has now pulled her son out of school.
In a similar case, last year fourteen-year-old Samantha Kelly became a victim of bullying which was so intense that she committed suicide. Once again, the bullying arose after her mother reported the rape (it’s unclear whether statutory or forcible) and when it became public after the local Fox News affiliate identified Kelly by name.
So sad that sometimes the community gangs up on rape victims while protecting the perpetrators.
Yet another example of the “entitlement-silence-protection” phenomenon that is all a part of rape culture.
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Petite Woman Stops Big, Muscular Rapist
Monday afternoon, 17-year-old Saba Sohail was catching up on her homework when a neighbor burst into her San Jose apartment, naked and bleeding.
The teenager covered the woman with a blanket and, between sobs, the woman told the teen she had just been raped.
At that moment, the suspected rapist appeared in the open doorway.
Police marveled at what happened next: The girl confronted the half dressed interloper, scared him off and then – wielding two kitchen knives – went back into the woman’s apartment to rescue her two-year-old son.
The rapist was described in the April 2, 2008 San Jose Mercury News as big and muscular. Nevertheless, Saba (all of 5’4) got between the attacker and his victim, cursing and screaming, “Get the hell away from me! I’m not even kidding! What the hell are you doing in my house?” And in that way Saba scared him off with her attitude.
“This young lady went ahead and did something that police train and prepare for,” raved Lieut. Mark McIninch. “It’s extremely impressive.”
At first the rapist was stunned, giving Saba enough time to dial 911. Recovering slightly, the man sat down in a chair, mumbled that he was sorry and then walked out into the hallway.
Police soon caught him hiding on the landing outside the building. He was easy to identify, pantless.
If a woman panics and freezes up during an attack, she should not feel guilty. That is a very human response. But this story does suggest how attitude may aid us in a dangerous situation. Later I’ll post self-defense tips on how to stop a rapist.
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