Women Don’t Rape, They’re Merely Insatiable

A 43-year-old German man met a 47-year-old woman in a bar. He went to her home and had sex with her, but when he wanted to leave she trapped him and demanded more. Seeing no other choice he agreed, expecting that afterwards she would let him go. But more wasn’t enough. Desperate, he fled out a balcony and cried for help.

She met her next victim on a bus. After his ordeal he was found “sobbing in the street” and begging the police, “Oh God, it was hell. I can’t walk. Please help me.” Sounds like she wounded him to prevent his escape.

Police charged her with sexual assault and illegal restraint. Yet the press is not calling her what she is: a rapist.

Beneath a photo of a couple in bed, the Mirror described the woman as a “nymphomaniac” while the Province posted the story next to a couple pictured blissfully in bed, and called the woman merely “insatiable.”

The inability to see this as rape likely stems from stereotypes about what rape is and who commits it.

Some people simply can’t conceive that men can be raped or that women can rape men. And that is likely mixed up with notions that men always want sex, and are – or should be – insatiable, themselves. And then there’s the belief that men can always overpower women, regardless of “technical help.”

Other stereotypes hold for both male and female victims. Such as, “What do you expect if you go to his/her apartment?” Or, “Once you say ‘yes’ you can’t say ‘no.’”

Some believe “rape myths” (false notions about rape) because that’s what they’ve always heard. Others hold to them because they make them feel safe. If a woman believes that only “bad girls” get raped, then she can feel more safe and secure. If a man believes that women can’t rape men, then he can feel secure, too.

Some just don’t get that rape means “sex without consent.”

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I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on May 18, 2012, in feminism, gender, men, psychology, rape and sexual assault, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Sorry about my post and length. I was just trying to show and imply how I was wrong and eve internalized things from the male perspective even though I’m open minded. I know men can be harmed, but it’s easy to think you’re invincible and may be a sign of men uncomfortable of having any weakness or perceived weakness. I mean just from your previous posts about words guys use toward sex and their dicks shows that. It’s always a sign of strength, his dick as a “flesh rocket”, and “cuts, bangs, screws, harpoons, beat up pussy, destroys, tear it up, etc” . But a CAN be physically harmed from being raped by a woman and not just emotionally harmed and it can be from PIV sex from rape, yet it;s either uncomfortable or just doesn’t seem fathomable to the male conscious often times and I think reasons I explained and how society views men and women and men’s bodies. Which is not good, because it puts men and their bodies on a pedestal where men are projected to be invincible and as tough as we are, we’re not.

  2. I have a question. Obviously women being raped is much much more common than men being raped, well atleast as far as men raping women vs women raping men. Men do get raped by other men with some frequency, especially considering prisons, or the middle east with men and young boys and India, etc. So I’m talking about men being raped by women, not by other men. Anyway, do you feel though it’s very rare, that a man or boy being raped, not as in statutary raped like a few cases have come with the older female teacher and 15 year old male student case.

    But actual rape? Do you feel a man being raped by a woman is as bad as a man raping a woman? It’s as serious and bad for the male rape survivor as the female rape survivor? Do you feel a female rapist is as terrible as a male rapist? It’s weird, because I’m mixed on it. I know it’s a bad thing, because that’s a very reason that a boy or man could never report or talk about something like that, because it would be “emasculating” to do so in front of his male peers or he’d have to question or fear other’s would question his sexuality, because men are supposed to always want sex and “not mind” sex with a woman even if forced right? For me, like I understand how being a man I might have a natual bias to see a woman being raped as completely, undeniabley horrific and the male rapist a complete piece of scum, evil person who needs to be put away for life or a very long time and be castrated while at it. It’s weird, I don’t have that same emotion for a female rapist though. Well actually, if a woman rapes a child or another girl or woman, then I’m more likely to see her more similar as the male rapist. But it is kind of sad, that when it’s a boy, especially a man that’s the victim from a woman, I feel she deserves punishment, but I don’t get that emotional outrage that I’d have for a male rapist or woman raping a child, baby, or other woman. Actually I’ll take that back, if a woman raped a man as in sodomized him or like dildo or strap on, then yes that’s horrible and violation.

    Part of me thinks maybe it’s not because because men are to want to sex and the masculing, thing but how man are seen as invulernable and woman can’t damage a man sexually by her body” Is it a matter of anatomy? Like mind will find it the exception if a man is raped by penetration as in a woman pentrating a man from rape like a strap on, because its something most men do not want no matter the woman, it;s emasculating for most men. So it “breaks” this invincible thing men feel and very bad, and a “violation”. It’s weird how society and men view “penetration” as like a dominant act. And that’s why I wonder if that’s why a makle raped by a woman is seen as less serious also if not by a phallic object. Like as in regular intercoure. Maybe I’m wrong, but like I understand how a man raping a woman is serious not just because it’s against her will and the mental aspect, but the physical trauma and damage it can cause to her. Same reason why man raping a man and a woman if by phallic object penetrates a man, that would be a violation as explained, but also would have to “hurt” I’d imagine for the man. A woman forcing herself onto a man as far as sexual intercourse, that can’t be as brutal and physically damaging on his ‘sex” I don’t think as a man forcing himself on a woman? Maybe that’s why?

    • “Do you feel a man being raped by a woman is as bad as a man raping a woman? It’s as serious and bad for the male rape survivor as the female rape survivor? Do you feel a female rapist is as terrible as a male rapist?”

      Yes I do. Because rape is not sex. It’s a violation. And if someone doesn’t want it, it should never be forced. Rape victims have a level of PTSD that is similar to combat veterans. Having someone take over and violate your body would be hard on anyone.

      • I wonder if men raping is seen as more serious and criminal than a woman raping a man, not just because of expectations as far as men are supposed to always want sex and men aren’t vulnerable and are strong, but because the physical act itself? Obviously there’s terrible regardless and the mental toll and post traumatic stress it could put on a person.

        But is something going to be considered “worse” when it’s more “brutal” and physically damaging from the act as far as the physical side? which is the reason a man raping a woman or man is more serious because of “penetration”. That’s the reason why I brought the exception for if a woman was to rape a man with a dildo, strap on or phallic object, that it could be seen as just as bad as male rape or damaging. I don’t know, I’m lucky to have never gone through anything bad, but I’m shining a light on how even I as a man could see a woman raping a man as serious as far as forced sexual intercourse, but not as serious as a woman raping a man via strap on or man raping a man or woman, etc.

        It’s hard to me to see forced sexual intercourse even if aggressive as while possibly damaging “mentally” not a physical trauma which would make it as bad as a man raping a woman and violating and basically “sodomizing” her body with his penis. A woman’s vagina on the other hand?…….And I’m probably wrong, and I guess it’s a sign and weird how men grow up in this culture not seeing themselves as being able to be physcially hurt or especially by a woman, because of this view of their strength and I guess “dick pride”. I mean you’ve had posts talking about how man talk about sex and such actions in aggrssive tones such as bang, ram, etc, so how can a man with such a “powerful” appendage be harmed by women’s “thing down there” “little flower” or whatever wors that are passively used for woman’s bodies and sex. Interesting how views go as far as men and women, their bodies, and sex, which could not only hurt women, but also men should a man, though rare, ever be a victim of a woman. Because after all, the big strong, invulnerable sex (male) with a “battering ram” appendage, can’t be physically hurt right?

      • “Is something going to be considered “worse” when it’s more “brutal” and physically damaging.”

        Makes sense to me.

  3. Nice post. I was wondering if you were going to write about this. I think another problem with society and in court for female to male rape and why it’s question is anatomy. Just like people can mistaken or think a woman wanted sex because she was wet during the rape or became wet, even though I heard that is or can be a defensive mechanism for women. Unlike for men raping women though, a man doesn’t need a woman to be aroused to forcefully penetrate her. A man though has to be erect for a woman to have sex with him and there lies the confusion. People think that the man must’ve been aroused and wanted sex if he became erect, so she didn’t rape him as it was his consent or he’s lying. But people don’t realize, a man getting a boner doesn’t mean he’s turned on. A lot of guy’s get morning wood, I know I have, and it’s certainly not from being aroused. A man can become erect even if he doesn’t want sex as a man’s dick can response on it’s own sometimes with him thinking or wanting sex. But that’s a comming misconception or problem with charging women as rapits as well as the other issues.

  4. This is a lot more common than you might think. According to the latest CDC survey, 4.8% of all men were “made to penetrate” and 79.2% of the perpetrators were women.

    An example of “made to penetrate” is a woman who has sex with a man who is passed-out drunk. There is some confusion due to the fact that their definition of rape excluded “made to penetrate” and only included men who had been penetrated. That was far less common (1.4% of men) and was mostly perpetrated by men. However, if you include “made to penetrate” as rape, which you should, since it is forced sex, the majority of male rape victims were raped by women. You can read the report at:

    Click to access NISVS_Report2010-a.pdf

    Here are some stories from male victims: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/v73r4/men_who_have_been_raped_by_women_can_you_tell_us/

  5. Previous to this class, I was taught that rape was not a question of lust or intense sexual desire, but a proclamation of power over another person. Reading this blog post doesn’t shock me all that much. I think its completely possible for a women to over power a man in some way into doing something(sexually) he didn’t want to. Given rape and sexual assault against men is typically less common because of the size and strength factor, it still happens. A couple things that honestly bother me as a man though, is that A. its not talked about as much when a man is sexually violated even though it can be just as traumatizing and B. as you said in your post, the women is not called a rapist even though she is. Isn’t that sexism?

  6. People believe that men cannot be raped by women but it is myth. Why people merely know about the fact that men can be raped is because men rarely report being raped. After being sexually assaulted, he feels ashamed and is afraid of being treated harshly by other men who think he lost masculinity and he is not a “man” anymore. Therefore, he does not let anymore know about the sexual abuse and keeps hiding it. As the article points out, people generally believe that men cannot be rapid because they are physically stronger than women but it does not mean that they never be rapid for sure. Besides, men can be rapid not only women but also by other men. Therefore sexual assault is a serious problem that both men and women have to be aware.

  7. *with a penis than a vagina

  8. Yes, rape is sex without consent and the word doesn’t care what gender you are. It’s interesting. I’m sure there’ll be a follow-up when she gets sentenced.
    What I like to do to test gender equality is take a situation like a man raping a women and merely switch the genders of the two people in my head and try to figure out how I or other people would perceive it any differently. In this case, I switched the script to a woman raping a man.

    First of all, the only biological inherrent things I can come up with as to why most rapists are men are the fact that it’s easier to rape someone with a vagina than a penis and also, men have more testosterone which as we all know is linked to aggression.

    The rest of it, I feel is gender. It’s easier for a woman to succeed in her pusuit of getting laid than it is for a man. They say one of the hardest parts of a man trying to make love to a woman is to prove to her that he cares about here as a person and doesn’t just want to conquer her. Guys aren’t like that and don’t think anything along the lines of “does she care about me because I don’t want to have sex with her if she doesn’t.

    Rape is a crime of violence and boys are brought up to be more violent. However, I don’t think it’s-often- exclusively violence that motivates rapists because if they were motivated by nothing but violence then why do they choose rape instead of guns or baseball bats or other deadly weapons?

    SO what was this woman thinking? I don’t know but maybe it raised peoples’ awareness that rape is a social probelem of both genders. Get it right.

  9. Males being raped is something that we don’t typically hear about in the news. When I think of rape, I think of a woman being assaulted, attacked violently (typically) by a man and being raped and the shame that follows. When I think of a male being raped I think of young boys being molested or men in prison being raped. Rarely do I think of a grown man being raped by woman.
    I guess we have been socialized to believe that women are powerless and that men have all the power. This belief leads us to being so confused when men are raped. Because we think of rape as primarily being a female-related type of matter.
    I think men that are subjected to rape by women are more likely to not be taken seriously because it is so uncommon for it to happen. I would not be surprised if men reported rape to the police at a lower rate than women because men feel a lot of shame and that they are less ”masculine”. Women also experience shame but I think women and men;s experience of rape differ somehow.

  10. This article kind of surprised me because most of the time we just hear that men rape women. There are so many reasons for this because people believe men super sexual and their physical strength is much stronger. There is no way women can rape men. However, some women’s sexual drive is very strong and never enough with them. Some people think that is one kind of sickness, and I think that was happened to this woman. I like the phrase in this article “more is never enough.” I think in this society, men or women always try to feel safe to protect themselves such as thinking only men beat women (making men feel safer) but there are still many cases where women beat men.

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