Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?

105464-103886Women want emotionally connected sex.

Not all women, all the time.

But University of Texas psychologists, Cindy Meston and David Buss interviewed over 1,000 women around the world for their book, Why Women Have Sex, and here’s what they found:

Both women and men have sex because they are physically attracted, for pleasure, because they are in love, or just because they’re horny… the list goes on. But most women want emotionally bonded sex.

Men prefer emotionally bonded sex, too, by the way. But women are less likely to want it any other way.


Men need to spread their seed, but women don’t?

Conventional wisdom looks to evolutionary psychology which says that women are genetically driven to be more monogamous so that fathers will stick around and provide resources, helping children to survive.

So women pass up casual sex with “whomever” in favor of connected sex that provides those good-for-baby resources.

Yet not all women are terribly monogamous. And women who belong to tightly-knit, interdependent tribal groups often have sex with many men, often outside their marriages or partnerships. In these places the entire tribe raises children so paternity is unimportant and women’s sexuality is not guarded. These cultures produce women who are highly orgasmic and who greatly enjoy sex.

But when these societies are destroyed (as with the Cherokee and Iroquois) women’s sexuality can turn around quick.

Avoid punishment; gain reward

Today sexually interested and active American woman are still slut-shamed. And since women are objectified, they often become focused on how they look (whether good or bad) instead of enjoying anything erotic.

But women are less punished in some circumstances. They are often taught that “sex is okay if you love him.” So in the arms of someone she loves she’s freed from worries over slut-shaming.

And if she is with someone who loves her, she’s less likely to worry over how she looks.

And if she has difficulty achieving orgasm, she can still revel in her man’s love-filled attentions.

And here’s one more reason why both women and men usually prefer bonded sex. Justin Garcia, an evolutionary biologist at Binghamton University, observes that,

Having deep relationship with someone can be really magical and people all over the world experience that… (it) can really change someone’s life.

Of course, women have varieties of social experiences and personalities, so despite the culture, some will certainly be up for trysts with anonymous others.

But for many, sex-for-fun may not be so fun.

I’m on vacation, this is a rerun.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs
Men Watch Porn, Women Read Romance. Why?
Lose Virginity, Lose Self-Esteem?
Sex Objects Who Don’t Enjoy Sex

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on May 30, 2016, in body image, feminism, objectification, psychology, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 77 Comments.

  1. “Yet not all women are terribly monogamous. And women who belong to tightly-knit, interdependent tribal groups often have sex with many men, often outside their marriages or partnerships. In these places, the entire tribe raises children so paternity is unimportant and women’s sexuality is not guarded. These cultures produce women who are highly orgasmic and who greatly enjoy sex.”

    This is a great example of how our ideas about sex — men want fun, women want emotional connection — is yet another result of our socially constructed gender roles. Different cultures nurture sex differently, so is there an absolute truth to it? No, sex will greatly vary across the landscape, thus, we should also stop slut-shaming women for wanting to experience their sexuality to their liking.

  2. I find it interesting that women tend to want emotional relationships, as well as sex, in contrast to men wanting sex, and then possibly a relationship. As a woman growing up in a conservative Christian family, the sayings I knew best were “Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love” and “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” In the first saying, it initially struck me as true. Women, especially in their teens seem pressured by boyfriends to perform certain sexual acts, or even “go all the way.” I think in high school I was inclined to believe that men wanted sex, and I had to guarantee a relationship first, so that I wasn’t giving and not receiving. I also was incredibly aware of my one singular “gift” that only one man would ever have.
    Since being in college and learning more about sex and relationships, I have realized that it is more natural for women, specifically myself, to be more interested in the sex part of the relationship. So, I don’t think its a fair generalization that women prefer monogamous, and men want multiple sexual partners at a time. I think it is mostly dependent on the individual, not exactly related to their gender.

    • You missed the point.

      First, both women and men typically prefer emotionally connected sex — but men who do random hookups don’t typically get as bothered by them.

      That’s likely due to sex-negativity toward women: e.g., slut-shaming women, And teaching them that sex is only okay in Love situations.

      We are all a mix of culture + social interactions + personality. So there will be individual differences within a cultural pattern.

      But if we don’t recognize that our culture harms and limits women’s sexuality, we will never do anything to become more sex positive for women.

  3. I completely agree, generally speaking, that women are far more likely to have monogamies tendency than men are. Now of course I don’t think that men don’t ever want to be in a monogamous relationship, but I do feel that those feelings don’t come until later in life once they are done “spreading there seed.” Being a Mexican catholic I was raised taught that sex is only for wedded couples and that you mustn’t, I apologize for being so vulgar, “open your legs until you have a ring on your finger” Now men were also given the same expectations, but were less emphasized for them. Now my personally views are gender equal despite my upbringing. I personally think having sex with anyone, whether you are a boy or girl, is poor decision making. I also believe that it’s your body you do as you wish and you should not be condoned for what you want to do with it. Now what really aggravates me, are the views of those whom hold a double standard. Men can ho around and when they want to settle down they want, preferably, a virgin. Why do men get the best of both worlds? They get to have their fun but the women they exploit would in there eyes never be, marital material. Before I offend anyone I want to make clear that this is not for every man that is out there, but in my experience the actions and views I have seen from being outside of that box, some men, in a way, see women as playing pieces in there life.

  4. I agree. I believe that women are more in tune with their feelings. Having sex with emotions with a woman for me is way more intense than an unattached encounter. When a woman loves you or has emotions for you the body language in the sex is crazy, almost in a way that we men crave it.

    An attached encounter is as satisfying to women as it is to men, and I think women want this not only for the pleasure, or not to be talked bad about but for personal reasons. Maybe the woman feels safer when having sex when shes emotionally connected, maybe she has a better orgasm.

    There are a lot of reasons why women want emotionally connected sex, but as humans I think we all want that. What could ever be more satisfying then a sexual encounter with a woman who is emotionally connected to you?

  5. It never came to me why men had more of a sex drive than women. It makes sense to know now that women are slut-shamed and looked down upon when they are erotic and open about themselves sexually. When women have their guard up on how their perceived in society, it makes sense to avoid any sexual attention at all costs in order to maintain a “clean record” or “clean reputation”. It is also frustrating to know that women have so much pressure from society that it affects their sexual life which prevents them from further discovering and loving our bodies.

  6. Most women think that only have feelings with men that can have sex, it is also called the premise of love. So what is the deeper meaning of the sex for women?
    In my opinion, women feels safe should be the first reason. At first, woman has a relationship with a particular man seldom for sex and sex, women rarely thought about sex, but sex and affection is the closest, color also is same, all belongs to the category of temperament, and it is said that women put great emphasis on emotion, in fact, they more attention is security, and I have mentioned above emphasis on emotion and security.
    Men don’t have security concerns, so he like a woman just want to sex with her, the woman is not the case. We know that women are the most insecure, so they are also the pursuit of security, for women and sex are the most insecure. Because it means that a man will enter her most secret place, deep into her body, she wanted to open his own body, the things they don’t want to let people see, she also think the things that make her shy to show each other, she will bear all the consequences, including may no longer be a virgin, pregnancy, illness, etc., for most women, sex is the woman the last line of defense.

  7. The idea of sex and the way it is treated is a major contribution as to why women are treated the way they are. The idea brought up in this article regarding how women have the need to reproduce and are not equipped as many “tools” for reproduction is interesting because it relates to justifying why it is okay for men to have several partners and a women should just have one. In areas where marriages are arranged, the daughters of the family are often sold into marriage or expected to marry. They then become part of their husband’s family. They then produce the offspring of the man and bear the family name. Sons of the family could be counted on to spread and keep the family name alive.

    The idea of virginity is also a social construct used to oppress women. Sex is seen as something for the proper or decent woman, the one with “value”, to save for their life mate. This is possibly due to the fact that before paternity tests, the only way to be absolutely sure who the father was, would be if there was only one mate. The idea that someone loses their worth once they are no longer a virgin implies that their importance and worth lies in their sex organs. This is obviously not true but still there is a stigma surrounding sex and its correlation to the “proper” woman.

    • I hope you got the point that evolutionary psychology came up with an idea that doesn’t actually fit will cross culturally. They think that women are less promiscuous because they need a man to stick around to provide resources. But that’s not genetic. You don’t find it in every society.

  8. I definitely agree with the notion that women hold the concept of sex in a more psychological level than do men. This is because sex is obviously more important to them outside of just pure pleasure. It is a tool and strategy for a women to get closer to her partner and generate a strong sense of understanding between two couples. Society also seems to play a role on how women view the purpose of sex. If women pursue sex for solely pleasure, they can be labeled as “sluts” and “trashy”. Instead, society seems to emphasize other benefits and praises women who can use sex in order to become closer to their partners.
    As mentioned, “love sex” does indeed shift the focus away from external factors, such as appearance and allow a couple to truly express their love toward each other. This leads to more comfortable sex in which partners are completely understanding of their boundaries.

    • And men can use sex as a way to create a sense of closeness, too. And they also prefer relationship sex. But random sex doesn’t seem to bother them as much. I suspect that is because women are so frequently punished with sex isn’t within a relationship.

  9. I am an old fashioned person and prefer to be emotionally connected to my partner before sex. You know, getting to know someone instead of having sex with a stranger because I’m in the mood. The problem with this now is that society insinuates that you are playing games if you don’t “Put Out” soon. What ever happened to dating for a few months or waiting until marriage? This things are no longer heard of now which is very sad. Because of how people are pressured into sex on a first date, there are a lot of single mothers or young teen mothers. We need to teach our daughters to wait and enjoy sex with someone that they care about. Sex, to a women, can be a very emotional experience and so just having sex without a connection can cause future emotional issues with women if it is constant. All people, not just women, want to feel loved and need the emotional connection to another person. Emotionally connected sex can and will fill this need.

    • The only good sex is sex you want, having sex in a way that authentically fits you. We need to stop pressuring people to do sex in ways that don’t fit well with who they are.

  10. I think today in particular with our growing interconnectedness we’re gaining access to so much information. With a button you can send a message to someone across the world, or even a message to thousands of people at once. We’re starting to experience more thoughts, emotions, and insights of people.. it’s almost overwhelming. I think we tend towards trying to draw conclusions about the way people are in general as a whole because of all this… but that’s a fundamental mistake.

    Again, I believe it’s important to remain grounded in your own skin — society can do a lot for you both good and bad, but in the end each person is still an individual. Trying to abide by the rules of society is a natural instinct, but is bound to bring unhappiness to many.

    A need for emotional connection is one thing that humanity has never shed. That said, the slut-shaming of individuals who enjoy meaningless sex is ridiculous. It’s not your business until it involves you.. and if it does involve you, it’s not your right to express your thoughts on someone else’s private life without their permission. I mean… this is common sense yet seems so elusive to many…

    • The desire for emotional connection does seem to be quite natural and widespread given the fact that about three quarters of both men and women prefer emotionally connected sex. And it makes sense considering all of the added dimensions. Not sure how much of this has to do the culture. And it’s hard to figure out since cultures where you don’t necessarily have emotionally connected sex tends to be in tightknit communities where people do know one another quite well.

  11. Emotionally bonded sex is like making love, I would say where as sex for sex sake seems simply physical. The biggest turn on is when your partner loves you. I prefer to have emotionally bonded sex, but I’m also guilty of desire for physical sex. Yet I feel shame after the fact, slut shaming myself. Making me seek emotionally bonded sex even more, but I feel like I’m still just looking for sex, and I am, but i also want a friend, companion, a comrade in arms, a partner in crime… Love is not easy to come by and even harder to maintain the flames of love’s brilliant glow indefinitely. Love is certain to bring a compromise and sacrifice, that can be both scary and thrilling. That’s why I pursue emotionally bonded sex.

    • It’s interesting that men can sometimes slut-shame themselves. Shows that our culture is repressive toward men, Too. And what works depends on the person. But most people do prefer emotionally connected sex. Thanks for sharing your perspective on this.

  12. The feeling of slut-shamed is one of the main reason that women want emotionally connected sex, According to feminism. women want the control and same status as men do. Therefore, having sex without emotionally connection makes women feel they are being used like sex tools. Meanwhile, as it is mentioned by Justin, ‘having deep relationship with someone is magical’, so emotionally connection plays an important role to identify how serious her partner treat their relationship. And then women will be able to make decision before it is too late.

    • Actually my suggestion that the reason why women, more often than men, seem to need emotionally connected sex — vs not knowing the person — as being due to slut-shaming is my own theory. And it’s important to remember that both men and women — about three quarters of each — say they prefer it emotionally connected sex.

  13. Well of course a woman will look for sex in a guy who looks fit for a future father? I mean not all the time but indeed for the most part women love a guy who isn’t just in it for the sex. She wants someone who is mature to have sex and not just leave her at the end of the night. Although there are some women who like one night stands and don’t want any intimate feelings but I am in the category where I would rather have a man man up and stay with me if that was the case. One night stands usually aren’t as sentimental. They are mostly for pleasure and this is why it doesn’t get more serious than this. I think that even if you want something serious or just want some fun, it should be mentioned from the start. It’s always better to be straight forward than to leave someone hanging the next morning.

    • At the same time, you don’t find the same pattern in every culture. But in the cultures where you don’t find that pattern, the community cares for children and since everyone knows each other it’s not like an anonymous thing. But the way we socialize with women and men differently in our culture probably makes Anonymous sex more difficult for women. Although the great majority of both women and men prefer emotionally connected sex.

  14. I think society have put so much pressure for women to act a certain way that it has lead to them unable to express their sexuality without being looked down upon. While, man who openly pursue their own desire and sleep with as many women possible shows to other man they’re masculinity, and so basically sleeping with many women is considered for as a game, but if a women sleeps many man they will be slut shamed and I think that shouldn’t every women should be able to express their sexuality with be deemed inappropriate, and the idea that if you have a child but there is no male figure will led to the child not to grow up as decent is complete false because I know a friend that is only taken care of her mother and her grandmother and she is a strong independent lady, and she didn’t need a male figure to do that.

  15. In my personal experiences, I feel women has the lack of a sense of security. It is not stereotype to say that women weaker than men. They usually wants to feel safer in sex situation. They want men to do everything softer. The emotional connected sex helps it thru. Like last time I was watching porn with my girlfriend and my girlfriend’s friend (female). two kind situation point out that female likes emotional connected sex. In the first situation, when the man and woman having sex, however, the man was really rude and careless on the female feeling. In the second situation, the man having sex really gentle and soft. I asked them with one you guys prefer. Both of them give me the choice for the second one which is gentle and soft. It is quiet common answer. In another words, it is not important as main part for female, they needs more feeling on men to share their love to them. (It is my personal understanding.)

  16. Jean Claunde

    Most men’s sexuality is repressed. Very few men’s sexuality isn’t repressed.
    DiCaprio’s sexuality isn’t repressed.
    Keades’ sexuality isn’t repressed.
    Clooney’s sexuality isn’t repressed.
    (those are the lucky guys)
    Average joes’ sexuality is repressed.

    • You don’t seem to understand what repression is. Take a look at this:

      Repression: Not What You Think It Is

      The key thing to notice is that repression comes from a feeling of guilt and shame which leads women (usually) to make themselves stop feeling sexual feelings. After a while the sexual feelings simply go away and you don’t have them any longer. It often becomes impossible to desire sex or to enjoy it. And helps explain why nearly half of American women experience sexual dysfunction — no or low interest in sex, painful sex, difficulty with orgasm or can’t orgasm.

      • If women have sex with other women or watch lesbian porn noone questions their sexuality or is bashing them.
        But if a guy has sex with another guy or even dares to comment the looks of another guy then everyone, including women, conclude that he is gay and less of a man and he is gay-shamed.
        So definitely men’s sexuality is more repressed than women’s sexuality.

      • Women’s sexuality is much more repressed than men’s, considering that nearly 100% of women want to have sex with men but are talk to feel guilt and shame about it. Leaving nearly half of women with sexual dysfunction.

        Almost 100% of men want to have sex with women, And are not shamed for it. They’re celebrate it instead.

        And, Nearly half of men do not experience sexual dysfunction.

        Men’s bisexuality maybe repressed and shamed, more than women’s bisexuality or lesbianism. (and that is due to patriarchy, by the way) But it doesn’t seem to have the effect of making men lose interest in sex or causing sexual dysfunction. It seems that women are biologically more susceptible to the effects of repression. Women Are More Responsive To Repression

  17. I believe it’s the emotional connection that matters the most, there is no doubt that men and women really fit together… But emotional attachment is must for me otherwise the magic will not be there, it will be like a material pleasure which is not worth it !!

    Thanks for sharing this one !

  18. That’s a really interesting perspective Georgia. There is so much about our sexuality that is culturally defined. It’s slightly disturbing actually.

    • Yes, it’s kind of disturbing when the society ends up being harmful. At the same time, the fact that we aren’t completely biologically determined does give humans some ability to make actual choices — even if some therapy might be needed.

  19. I am skeptical of self-reports that sex is better in old age. First, biologically, the infatuation stage of love in which the sexual chemistry is strongest only lasts for about 1-3 years anyway in every culture. By the time old age hits, the honeymoon period is long since over. It’s also a biological fact that men’s penises get softer after about age 50-60 and that does make sex less fun. How could it not? ED drugs can fix ED but they can’t really fix that problem, not all the way. And that other post is SO wrong about women not getting bored with the same man. Of course we do. Men and women have about the same rates of adultery so clearly we’re just as likely to get bored with the same partner as men do. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the emotional bond. You can be deeply emotionally bonded with a man but not hot for him anymore. (Countless women have said “I love you but I’m not in love with you ” – that is what this means). A deep emotional bond doesn’t guarantee a lifetime of amazing sexual chemistry. It doesn’t work that way. I wish it did.

    • It’s not that sex gets better in old age, but that it gets better with age.

      Like sex is better for most women in their 40s compared to their 20s. At least in our sexually repressed culture where most women have to unlearn a lot of repression and learn about their bodies and responses.

      And it can get better in long-term partnerships that are close and connected, suggests the data. Since I have experienced this myself, I believe it. And so have others. See John Gottman’s book, “The science of trust, emotional attunement for couples.”

      I’ve noticed that people have a hard time believing something to be true when they haven’t experienced it themselves. (Like when I first had sex I thought it was so boring I thought that everyone was exaggerating about how much they liked it. And I felt that way for years until I unlearned a lot of my repression, learned more about my responses, and found someone I was deeply emotionally connected to.) As another example of someone who thinks everyone experiences things the way he does, I first got the book “sex at dawn” from a friend of mine who thought that if I just read the book, I would totally want to have sex with him. Because the only thing getting in the way was my cultural belief in monogamy (a belief I don’t actually have – he gave every woman he knows that book for the same reason). He thinks that women’s sexuality is just like men’s, and doesn’t believe me when I try to explain to him that most women want emotional connection, and that our culture is unlikely to produce women who want to have sex with just any guy who propositions them.

      And “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is not how a deeply connected couple experiences each other.

      And some men report that sex gets better with ED. Because they become more closely connected. See this: ED: The Best Thing to Happen to Intimacy https://broadblogs.com/2015/10/26/ed-the-best-thing-to-happen-to-intimacy/

    • @ Diagoras,

      “And that other post is SO wrong about women not getting bored with the same man.”

      I really applaud your honesty here. As a man I cannot tell you how many times I continue to read women who consistently blame the men for sexual boredom in a marriage or relationship. What is really happening is just the opposite: she is becoming bored.

      There is a fundamental difference. If I eat steak twice a week from Flemings, then I might get bored eating steaks from Flemings. However, it does NOT mean that Flemings is doing boring steaks. It is just that I don’t like them any more. So, nothing is wrong with Flemings. The problem is really me. I need a new steakhouse!!!

      This is why I really think monogamy does not work well for most women. Women’s sexuality is far more complex than us men. Women need more erotica, variety,…….to keep them sexually interested. That is best met by a series of different men as opposed to one. Women simply become bored with us men far more quickly than we men with women.

      Just my opinion based on my personal experiences, observations, and research. I just wish women in general were more honest about things and stop blaming men for everything that goes wrong (including not even having a man to have sex with!).

      • No one is blaming men for this as far as I know.

        I do blame patriarchy, though. And patriarchy and men are not the same thing. Just like racism and whites are not the same thing. Plenty of white dislike racism, and want to dismantle it. And plenty of men dislike sexism and work for equality, too.

        In our sex-negative (for women) culture women’s sexuality is different from men’s. You don’t find the same sort of differences everywhere. But in a culture where women’s sexuality is constantly punished and repressed it takes more to get women interested.

        So I completely agree that women sexuality, such that it is, usually leaves women getting bored much more quickly than men. In long-term relationships women’s interest drops much more swiftly and much more steeply. Because when women’s sexuality is repressed it takes much more to interest them. Like a new man.

        Or like an intensely bonding relationship. And if the couple doesn’t have one it’s not his fault. It takes two to build that sort of relationship.

  20. I think all of the points made make a lot of sense. I definitely feel self-conscious over how I look during sex, and it’s a lot less scary if you’re with someone you’re comfortable with, rather than just a random hookup. I also think you’re able to enjoy yourself more, and put some focus on your own pleasure if it isn’t just a hookup. I think hookup culture is extremely prevalent these days, and it puts a lot of pressure on women to engage in it, despite them often not wanting to. I myself have definitely felt pressured to engage, and later realized I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. I have girlfriends with similar experiences. On the other hand, it can be liberating for some women to feel that it’s okay to sleep with multiple partners. I think it’s great that women somewhat have this option (‘somewhat’ because they are still often slut-shamed), but it’s unfortunate they are so pressured to participate in hookup culture.

    • Yes, women’s sexuality is less likely to be repressed in a culture that doesn’t shame them for hooking up. But it’s important not to pressure women into behaving in ways that don’t feel authentic, either.

  21. Jean Claunde

    Most men are willing to pay for sex. Female prostitutes will never run out of business.
    How many women are willing to pay men just for sex?

    • And how much does culture influence that? I argued here that women’s sexuality is strongly repressed by our culture, leaving women less interested in nonemotional sex. So of course women wouldn’t be willing to pay for just sex in the situation. I wonder what percentage of men pay for it? Men are much more likely to but I suspect that the majority of men have no interest in prostitutes, either. Or would see prostitution as a sorry substitute for more connected sex. Some guys who pay for even seem to try to convince themselves that a relationship is involved. I’ve read that about women who pay for sex, too.

      • “So of course women wouldn’t be willing to pay for just sex in the situation. ”

        Repression has nothing to do with it. Period.

        Women can get sex far more easily than men. Women enjoy a privileged position in the dating world. They also enjoy the same status when it comes to sex. So, just what repression has do with it I cannot see. Enlighten us please?

        The marketplace speaks loudly and clearly. The reason for so many female prostitutes is there is a demand for their services. If men could find sex partners as easily as women, there would be far fewer female prostitutes. Here in America, even married men find sex a challenge. Why just look at the increasing numbers of sexless marriages. I can speak/testify to that one!

        The vast majority of men have never paid for a prostitute. Nor is there a desire to do so. However, most men have engaged in the trading or exchanging of money, status and power for being with a beautiful woman and having sex with her. Sex and money are still the currencies of “romance” in America, as unpleasant as it might be.

      • Repressed or not, I believe that most women and men would prefer to have sex without paying for it.

        I’m still not clear on whether you understand how repression works — and how it is related to patriarchy, not men. As I’ve said before, patriarchy and men are not the same thing. Just like racism and whites are not the same thing. Plenty of whites dislike racism, and want to dismantle it. And plenty of men dislike sexism and work for equality, too.

        But I hope you will take a look at these posts to help understand how repression leaves women needing more to be sexually interested. I’ll be writing more later on WHY patriarchy works to repress women’s sexuality.

        Repression: Not What You Think It Is
        Sex-Negative Societies & Non-Orgasmic Women
        Repression Shutting Down Sexuality
        Religion Shutting Down Sexuality
        Women Are More Responsive To Repression

        The reason women can get sex more easily than men, and the reason women enjoy a privileged position in the dating world, is BECAUSE of repression. It’s ironic, and related to something I wrote in this post: Disempowerment Gives Women Weird Power Over Men https://broadblogs.com/2015/02/18/reducing-women-to-objects-that-overpower-men/

        Marriage doesn’t immediately solve the problem. When you have been taught that sex is bad, and are subjected to punishment your whole life, you become repressed. You get married and sex still seems like a bad thing. Marriage doesn’t magically dissolve all those negative feelings. And some women will be more repressed than others. But nearly half of women have low or no sexual desire. That’s not natural, that’s repression. Even women who are sexually interested and orgasm easily often need a vibrator. That is a sign of repression. In cultures where women’s sexuality is not repressed they are interested in sexuality at the same level as men, and easily and easily multiply orgasmic — sans mechanical equipment. The fact that women who need so much to get them interested, Like a new man, Or a powerful high status man, Or a super sexy man, Attest to the repression.

        Basically, when women’s sexuality is repressed (please read the links above) they become less interested in sexuality and it takes more to get them interested. Meanwhile, men’s sexuality isn’t repressed nearly as much, So they are constantly horny and want to have sex. But because women’s sexuality is repressed they are less interested and more picky. Which helps to explain why men are more likely to resort to prostitutes.

        I’m guessing that even with all of this explanation and evidence you still won’t believe me. I’m wondering why? Why is it so important to you to believe that women are not sexually repressed in this culture?

      • Jean Claunde

        Female prostitution is the oldest profession, isn’t that how it is called? It exists through all the history and in all.societies. So it’s not a recent western cultural phenomenon. You don’t believe that many men are willing to pay for sex? Oh you are for a surprise. Maybe in some countries were it’s illegal, some men wouldn’t admit that or dare to do that so they won’t get arrested, so men’s sexuality is repressed by society.
        If men’s sexuality wasn’t repressed and had it their way, then casual sex would be an everyday life activity. Men have to repress their sexuality through the dating process and deny their sexual nature and urges untill they “get to know each other well and she feels ready”
        Some say that for men, sexuality is a switch ON and OFF. That’s wrong. For men it’s either ON or Standby. It’s never OFF. Many men claim that they don’t like casual sex because men’s sexuality is repressed. They never experienced the casual sex because they are repressed by society, so the only way they get to have sex is by getting a girlfriend because that’s how most women allow men to have sex with them.
        It makes sense that women biological aren’t as willing as men to have sex. If they were then they would be pregnant every single year.

        Plus the example of the tribal societies you bring up it reinforces the argument that women want emotionally connected sex. These tribal societies consist of population of few hundreds, probably even less. They all live together and they know each other so the emotional connection has already been established. They may have casual sex with different men but it’s always someone they already know. They don’t go around having sex with strangers because there are no strangers in the first place.
        On the other hand in modern mega cities with population of millions is perfectly understandable that women are more cautious with strangers.

      • Prostitution is related to patriarchy. You find it in patriarchal societies, not in sex-positive societies where women and men are equally interested and orgasmic.

        Otherwise, see my response to huggy bear.

      • Jean Claunde

        Prostitution existed from the dawn of humankind and all through history in all societies.
        If it was because of patriarchy then patriarchy would allow men to have sex with whoever they want to without having to pay.
        Hey its patriarchy, men should get their way for free

      • Okay, tell me about prostitution is existing among forager societies, or Pacific islanders or American Indians before, or right after, contact with Europeans — for instance. Get me some data on this. These are all pre-patriarchal societies that did not have prostitution.

        The reason why prostitution is tied to patriarchy is that women’s sexuality is strictly limited and the only way for many men to get sex is by paying for it. In Victorian England if a woman had sex outside of marriage she was a fallen woman who could never be redeemed. Her only option for getting money was prostitution. The fact that she could not be redeemed is what kept a large supply of prostitutes. And women had hardly any rights in Victorian England– It was very patriarchal.

      • That’s his logic without really understanding history or showing any real data. Find me some real data.

  22. An emotional connection is important for me, too.

    I agree with all the points in the article, even that the tribal women enjoy more freedom and even when they enjoy sex with many men, they are not slut-shamed.

    • Yeah, the gender difference seems to be more cultural than. genetic. Thanks for chiming in.

      • Jean Claunde

        If it is more cultural than genetic why do people insist that women’s fluid sexuality and men’s rigid sexuality is genetic?

      • I’m open to whatever the evidence suggests. And it’s confusing so I go back-and-forth, myself. Male orientation does seem to be a bit more stable because of their biology – with a sex drive that is high and constant, their more natural orientation is more constantly reinforced. And most people don’t look at cultural factors. they see women being more flexible and assume it’s biological. And again, The difference probably does have a biological component. But that doesn’t mean that culture doesn’t affect men at all.

      • Jean Claunde

        If men’s sexuality is rigidly set by biological reasons then how can one explain that in ancient times men were attracted to the male body? Just google ancient greek statues

      • I already said that culture could play a role. So men could have some flexibility, even though for biological reasons women may have even more flexibility.

        But of course, “Platonic love” did come from Plato’s fidelity to that Greek preference for homosexuality — even as he couldn’t bring himself to actually do the deed — so he wasn’t so flexible. I’m curious about how much was about men being open about their homosexuality and bisexuality?

        But it wouldn’t surprise me if culture had some effect on desire, too.

        I don’t care which theory is right. I’m open to the evidence. Which seems to shift over time.

  23. As a child-free woman, I don’t seem to have this hard-wiring, but it’s very cool to see how far back this stuff goes. And how much it’s reinforced by a lot of negativity.

    • Our sex negative culture (for women) creates a pattern where women tend to feel that they need more emotional connection than men. But we are all a mix of our culture, our social experiences and our natural born personalities, so you always get variation within cultural patterns. Thanks for sharing your experience as someone who doesn’t fit the norm.

  24. I’ve been single for many years now and have had several one night stands and a few relationships where we have made an emotional connection (doesn’t necessarily mean love). Although one nighters can be exciting, I prefer sex with chemistry or an emotional attachment.

    I agree with the notion that sex gets better over time with the right partner. I’ve been in a relationship for four years now and, amazingly, the sex just keeps getting better for both of us.

  25. Enjoy your vaca! i loved this post! (I always thought something was wrong with me! always wanted emotional connections!) x

    • I’m glad you enjoyed the post. A desire for emotional connection is actually a very human thing. 🌺

      • Agreed! (are you back from vaca? you’re not allowed to comment while on holiday lol :D) I could never get how men are able to enjoy sex just for fun. I’ve often wondered if personally it’s being repressed because where I come from there is alot of judgement around this (from society and religion) and thought maybe this is why for me it has to be emotionally connected or nothing at all. Anything else just does nothing for me.

      • I’m back — Took a long Memorial weekend. So trying to catch-up now.

        I suspect that repression plays a role — I hardly see how it couldn’t. So that’s my theory.

        It’s hard to have a good comparison because in cultures where women aren’t sexually repressed the societies are smaller and men and women tend to know each other better. I don’t know if anyone has asked that question in anthropological studies.

      • Welcome back officially!:)
        Wow! times like this I feel like I studied the wrong subjects at uni! this is so so interesting, and amazing how we can get things so wrong sometimes (oftentimes) as a society- re the evidence being contrary to popular beliefs/misconceptions.

      • Yeah, I think it’s super-interesting! And good to know just for navigating life. Thanks for your thoughts!

      • Yes very true! I think knowing would help to put alot into context and help us make more informed decisions etc. Thank you so much for sharing! Im looking forward to reading more and more! x

      • Thank you so much!

  26. For me (I’m a woman) chemistry makes sex most enjoyable and that can fade or even vanish in long term relationships, so sometimes too much emotional connection (familiarity) is a bad thing. That’s the problem with monogamy. On the other hand, most of the time chemistry takes time to develop and usually doesn’t happen instantly with strangers except in rare cases. So I guess I prefer some level of emotional connection but for me it can be at a friend level and not necessarily a romantic level. I have had two one nighters with strangers in my lifetime and they were fun, but I would never want to turn that into a regular activity. (That’s what most of these guys getting angry because they can’t find ONS on dating sites don’t get. Not only do most women not want a ONS, but probably for most women who do a ONS it is closer to a bucket list item than a lifestyle! The chances of a guy who isn’t a famous rock star getting regular sex from one night stands is zero.)

    • Thanks for sharing your experience.

      Even the guys doing ONS are usually doing it because they are players in a game in which they score by having sex with lots of anonymous women, and their status goes up — either in their own minds or among their friends. Most of them actually prefer emotionally connected sex, too.

      And different researchers have found different experiences in terms of long-term relationships. It seems that those who are extremely tightly bonded can find that sex actually gets better over time. They may be the minority.

      • Well it does if we’re talking about a few weeks or months, because you get to know each other’s likes and dislikes much better. But after years and years? After decades? It’s a whole different story. The book Sex at Dawn explains this very well. Salon has an article about it here: http://www.salon.com/2010/06/27/sex_at_dawn_interview/

      • It depends on which population you are studying.

        “Sex at Dawn” is studying tribal populations that don’t have a concept of soulmates and extremely deep emotional connection.

        “Mating in Captivity” shares the perspective of “Sex at Dawn” and the population is couples in therapy, who wouldn’t be there if they have an extremely deep emotional connection.

        What I’m talking about comes from studies of different populations: The general modern population, where there is a concept of soulmates and extremely deep connection that some couples managed to move into. John Gottman has studied that population for 20 years. He found that sexual desire is sustained by an intimate turning toward one’s partner.

        Other studies of the general population (modern) hint at this, too. Couples whose sex life got better over time appear to be more emotionally close. Check this out: How Sex Gets Better With Age https://broadblogs.com/2013/12/09/how-sex-gets-better-with-age/

  27. Wow…

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