Women More Likely To Seek Divorce. Why?

Why are women more likely to seek divorce?

Why are women more likely to seek divorce?

About three-quarters of divorces are filed by women.

Now why is that?

Married men happier, healthier

Studies suggest that:

  • Married men are both happier and healthier than their wives
  • Married men are happier and healthier than single men
  • Divorce seems to be harder on men than women

So men seem to have more to lose.

Partly, “women’s role” still tends toward caregiving, and encouraging healthier behavior. In fact, divorced women often associate marriage with more care obligations and less freedom.

Husbands usually have more power

Although 20- and 30-something couples of both sexes usually want equal-partner marriages, most marriages find men with a bit more power.

Probably because we have all unconsciously internalized patriarchy to some degree. In other words, some level of privileging males over females is in our heads and feels natural and normal.

Another source of greater dissatisfaction for women.

Men behaving badly

Husbands also seem to have more problems with drinking and drug abuse. And men more commonly batter.

Maybe that’s because men aren’t allowed to express their emotions or seek help, because they are expected to be independent.

Meanwhile, many men do “emotion work” to turn so-called weak emotions into strong ones, like anger. A man feels put down at work and goes home and beats up his wife to make himself feel strong and superior to someone.

Men more emotionally dependent on partners

Men may also be more emotionally dependent on their romantic partners. Women are more likely to have a larger group of friends who they can talk to, and get support sorting out their emotions and problems.

Many men only feel safe opening up to their spouses.

Marriage also provides the ability to gain touch — a human need. (Babies who aren’t touched are less likely to thrive.) And it is more okay for women to touch one another than for men to do the same thing.

An article from Psychology Today reports that:

When asked who they would turn to first if they were feeling depressed, 71% of men selected their wife whereas only 39% of women selected their husband.

Men fear losing their kids

Men are also more likely to fear losing contact with their children post-divorce. That’s because courts usually look to the “best interest of the child” when awarding custody, and it’s still more common for women to quit work or downsize their careers in order to raise children. With mom the primary caregiver, kids are more closely bonded to their moms.

High versus low expectations

Stereotypes say that women are desperate to marry and that marriage traps men. Maybe men’s low expectations make marriage seem pretty good.

And maybe the high expectations that women are taught leave them more disappointed.

Few men leave marriage without someone lined up

Sian Blore, a divorce lawyer, says that 90% of the men she sees have someone else waiting in the wings.

There’s always someone else around somewhere. I know we don’t believe it but it’s true. Very few men leave a marriage without someone else being there for them.

Men are also quicker to remarry after death or divorce.

Put it altogether and this seems to be why women are much more likely than men to file for divorce.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on June 29, 2016, in men, psychology, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 47 Comments.

  1. This was an interesting article, but I didn’t get surprised about the facts you showed. You wrote that some men look at relationships like something that trapes them, compared to women’s wanting the relationship more. I am still very young so among teenagers and my friends, it’s still most often that the boy is the one who wants to end the relationship. However, I can see how that changes when the boys get older. The main reason for me has to be that men may be more emotionally dependent on their partners. Boys don’t talk to each other in the same way as girls. Of course, somebody do open up for each other, but among the boys I spend time with the conversations is about soccer, girls, sex, food and other sports. For me it’s scary sometimes to see how little they know about each other. One of the boys may have this huge fight with his brother, that lasted for months. One thing is that his friends talks “shit” about all the disadvantages about having a brother, that they wish he was never born, and another thing is that the friends never noticed that the brother wasn’t around for months. Maybe this was a bad example, but my point is still that it’s sad that a lot of boys can’t really ask each other how they actually are doing. So, I can understand that even though the women rely on the men’s economy or even though she has a mild personality and the man has the power, the man still depends more on the woman, because she is the only one he can really talk to.

    • That’s true. And it does leave men very emotionally dependent on women. Partly because men are discouraged from developing their full selves even more than women are.

  2. “But typically married men at least have someone who is “Right there” while a lot of single guys can’t take the constant rejection.”

    Even though she is “Right There”, married men get rejected just as often…The rejection is even worse in their case because it is coming from someone whom they love and from someone who often claim they love them. So, just because she is “right there” is really meaningless.

    Just saying.


    I just finished reading a book by Andrea Tantaros, Tied Up In Knots: How Getting What We Wanted Made Women Miserable”

    Currently half way through,

    The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married, by Iris Krasnow

    Two very interesting reads. Tantaros is a conservative Gen Y woman and former Fox host of the show Outnumbered. I know nothing of her. Saw her book cited by Suzanne Venker. I give it “B”. But, she does make some good points.

    Krasnow’s book is a different story…

  3. I have a friend who refers to that “someone else waiting in the wings” phenomenon as “Tarzan-ing.” As in “Tarzan swinging through the jungle, never letting go of one vine until he’s got his grip firmly on the next.”

    My ex — from whom _I_ (yup!) did the filing for divorce, five years ago this weekend — had his new girlfriend moved in while I was still looking for a new place to live. He wouldn’t let me back in our apartment to pack my own things, because “it would just be too painful!” But, he also told me, I didn’t need to worry about the effort it would take him — he had this other woman there to help!

    Good riddance! #andhappyindependencedayTOME

  4. I really think you have to look the at the generation and time period.

    Perhaps 50 years ago, I would agree with the general points you make. Yes, marriage probably worked better for men than women. Why? I really do not think women had enough financial independence to freely choose the man they really wanted to marry. So, they ended up marrying a man whom they felt would be a good provider etc. However, that was not the man whom they were in love with or had any real passion for per se. Hence, the huge increase we see in Boomer women filing for divorce.

    Today, I flatly disagree that married men are happier and healthier than single men. Hands down this is just not true. Young men today (even men in there 30s and 40s) want no part of it. It is nothing short of pure emasculation. What man in his right mind wants to sign up for little or no sex, loss of freedom. loss of assets, and loss of kids and home? Very few I know of to be matter of fact about beyond the ones whom a lot of us men call either dumb, naive (as was my case) or religious (again I fit this profile).

    Women today are being far more selective (a good thing) and men are simply being very very reluctant. While I will not say men should avoid marriage, I would certainly urge them to do as women: be very selective and choose wisely. This is my biggest knock against us men. We need to cease and desist with choosing a woman just because she is ‘hot” or based on looks. It is to elevate form over substance. We need to start looking for substance and quality in women. But, we cannot demand this if we ourselves are lacking in such qualities ourselves as men.

    • I agree with the jest of your last paragraph.

      But married men do still seem to be happier and healthier:

      Why Married Men Are Happier – Men’s Health
      Jul 12, 2012 – Think bachelors have it made? It turns out married men are actually happier after marriage than they would be if they stayed single, according …

      Marriage is more beneficial for men than women, study shows
      Mar 14, 2016 – “Being married appears to be more beneficial for men. … have found that married people have better health than unmarried people”

      You’re right that men are less likely to get married these days, And women too (But less so than men). But people don’t always know what’s good for them. Which may explain why women are more likely to marry at a younger age.

      Why? As a society we value marriage less than we used to. Couples are more likely to live together been married these days. Having a steady job is very important to women, Yet our more globalized economy hasn’t been very good to many men.

      People tend to think that everyone is the same as themselves and their friends. But we tend to hangout out with people who are similar to ourselves. If that were true we wouldn’t need social research.

      Married men actually seem to get more sex than their single counterparts, Even if they get less sex than they would like.

      You don’t believe that that is due to a repressive sex culture (For women) yes in our culture which represses women’s sexuality almost half have low or no desire, which is very different from cultures that are sex positive for women. And I have personally experienced a loss of desire overtime and can see how it is related to constantly telling myself it’s “wrong.”

      As for the loss of assets, and loss of kids and home, That has a lot to do with why men are more reluctant to divorce.

      Otherwise, many of the reasons I listed for women to be more likely to seek divorce are still true today:

      1. Husbands still usually have more power

      2. Husbands also seem to have more problems with drinking and drug abuse — maybe because they are talk to submerge their emotions and avoid getting help.

      3. Men may also be more emotionally dependent on their romantic partners. Many men only feel safe opening up to their spouses.

      4. Men fear losing their kids. Since men are less likely to sacrifice work for their children (because that’s still more the female role) and the courts feel the children will be closer to her for that reason

      But thank you for your thoughtful comment, I certainly agree with some of the things you say and the rest makes me want to do more research.

      • “Married men actually seem to get more sex than their single counterparts, Even if they get less sex than they would like.”

        I would like to meet some of these married fellas..lol. Not kidding. I have a much much much more satisfying sex life since divorce than while I was married. I know this is also the case for a lot of newly single men. Why? Because today it is far easier for men to find a sex partner than say 30 or 40 years ago. Same goes for women too! It just depend on how much effort you want to put into getting laid and how few boundaries and standards you possess.

        Also, if what you say is true, then why the large numbers of sexless marriages? Read interviews by escorts and prostitutes…guess who the majority of their clients tend to be? Married men. If single men truly felt that there was more sex to be had by marrying, they would be signing up in droves. Sex IS a BIG deal for most men. Just a fact of life. We men drive the sex trade, porn, etc…

        I think 50 years ago maybe men could marry and be reasonably certain they would enjoy a pretty satisfying sex life. That is simply not the case today. Men know it.

      • Glad you’re enjoying it. Maybe braver men who are willing to take a lot of rejection get more sex — well, for sure that’s the case. But typically married men at least have someone who is “Right there” while a lot of single guys can’t take the constant rejection.

        If women’s sexuality weren’t so repressed they’d be more interested.

        Here are a few different things I found (and sex surveys are skewed toward those who are more interested and willing to spend the time taking them):

        Maybe things have changed in last 10 years. But here’s this:

        A 2004 ABC News Primetime Live random telephone sample of 1,501 adults found (%):

        35. (IF HAD SEX IN THE LAST TWELVE MONTHS) How many sex partners have you had in the
        last 12 months?
        One partner: Men: 82; Women: 90
        (around 50+% were married)

        Click to access 959a1AmericanSexSurvey.pdf

        33. (IF HAD SEX IN THE LAST TWELVE MONTHS) On average how often do you have sex –
        every day, several times a week, about once a week, closer to once a month, or less
        often than that?

        Several times a week: Men: 35; Women: 35
        Once a week: Men: 35; Women: 33
        Every day/several times a day Men: 8; Women: 4

        Altogether Men: 78; Women: 72

        But I’ve also found this: http://www.everydayfamily.com/how-often-do-normal-couples-have-sex/

        There is some question among sex therapists about what the true average is for couples in committed relationships. The answers can range from once a week to once a month!

        there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advise couples to try to do it at least once a week.” According to David Schnarch, PhD, through a study conducted with more than 20,000 couples, he found that only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!

        However, another study, printed in The University of Chicago Press about 10 years ago, stated that married couples are having sex about seven times a month, which is a little less than twice a week. And in a third study, it was reported that out of the 16,000 adults interviewed, the older participants were having sex about 2 to 3 times per month, while younger participants said they were having sex about once a week.

  5. Yah, it’s all very interesting. I have heard much of these ideas before, but it doesn’t decrease the impact. Marriage does tend to benefit men more…it doesn’t need to be like that, but at present it does. My partner of 16 years and I are not married, for lots of reasons, many of them because we think marriage is irrelevant. It doesn’t mean that there are not inequalities in our relationship, especially with small children to care for, but at least we are aware of, and have dialogue about imbalances. I still feel swamped by seen and unseen social pressures tho!


    I like that this article addresses the importance of having a wife. As stated in the article marriage to men seems as if they are in a trap, however, marriage seems to keep a man healthy mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet women does not benefit from a marriage as much as a man does. She is the one taking care of the home, kids and husband. This is a tiring role to play especially if you don’t have any help. Women who seem a divorce tend to have nothing to lose from filing one except for stress. Divorce gives women freedom because in reality women are the one who are trapped in a marriage. This article suggests that women are not in a marriage for intimacy and love. Women are in a marriage to be a caregiver. What’s the point of being married if you become just a babysitter, housekeeper and or punching bag?

    • No, this isn’t right: “This article suggests that women are not in a marriage for intimacy and love.”

      I didn’t address that part because I just assumed that everyone would know that women almost always marry for intimacy and love (they do!). But then the other things I mentioned make it more likely that women will leave.

  7. I had not thought about it before, but divorce can tell a lot about a society and a culture. It would make sense that with more women working outside of the home and making “their own” money that they would have more confidence to file for divorce more than lets say 50 years ago. There would be a better sense of being “ok” on their own and taking care of their children. Also, as the article discusses, women have better social networks so there is less of a feeling of isolation. This reminds me of our closest primate relative, the bonobos, who have a female-dominant hierarchy. Perhaps we are more hard-wired to have female dominant societies and now our society is changing to show this more.

    I think what the article misses is the monetary issues. At least in my experience, male “breadwinners” in divorces are required to pay alimony and child support. After a divorce, the man no longer pools resources together in a group and it becomes more expensive to live (in other words, standard of living will decrease). It just makes sense – two can make the rent better than one. I’ve seen several men in this situation where they go from being homeowners to living in apartments the rest of their lives. So I can understand why there would be no rush to leave a marriage.

    • True, but women tend to be even more financially hurt because 1-they’re more likely to sacrifice a career for family, 2-the custodial parent has higher expenses, 3-only about 15% of women get alimony — and usually for a very short time.

  8. It surprises me that when I read that women are more likely to seek divorce. The low and high expectations from men and women about marriage makes me wonder whether this factor plays a role in divorce. This makes me think about myself. Speaking as a woman, although I have not yet in a marriage, but being in a relationship allow me to reflect the days when I had a lot of expectations on my partner, and expecting him to know every emotions and hobbies I have. Sometimes, it is really frustrating that my partner does not do what I expected. However, now that when I read this article, it made me understand that it is really unrealistic for a spouse to understand all of the other spouse emotions, or enjoy all of his or her hobbies. That’s where close relationship with friends and family comes in. This may actually respond to your article where you showed research done on women and men for whom would they turn to first if they were feeling depressed, and you showed that men have higher percentage on selected their wives than the percentage of women selecting their husband. According to The Tending Instinct, by Shelley E. Taylor, it reveals that the need for community with other women is biological, it is part of our DNA (Taylor). This explains why women would turn to their close friends when they are under stress or depressions. It is a nature response; we need a community for support. Your article really makes me to think about why women often hear other women’s complains about their relationship whereas men are less likely to show it all out; it may be it’s in our biology.

    • Thanks. re “the need for community with other women is biological.” There’s a biological need for community for all humans. But women are socialized to be better at relationship. So women’s relationships tend to be more empathetic, emotionally connected. Men could develop that, and often do with their wives — although likely not to the same extent, typically, since those skills are taught/nurtured in men. Which can lead to disappointment in women, as you say.

      We often think things are natural when we don’t see the unconscious socialization behind the pattern.

  9. I agree with this article. The statement above, which states that women are more common to quit their career in order to care for their children, has proven true in my experience. Men are scared to file for divorce because the gender roles that society has placed on them requires them to be the “providers” for their families. From a young age, men have had the idea engrained in their minds that they must be successful in their careers in order to be considered a man. The priorities that men have with respect to what they spend their time and effort is not in the household or in parenting; it’s in their careers. They see household and parenting work as being weak therefore they are frightened by the idea of having to take on these roles if a divorce is to take place. I feel that previous ideas of gender roles for men and women contribute the most to the statistic that women are more likely to file for divorce than men and that this statistic will remain true until society has evolved to treat the roles of men and women as arbitrary with regard to sex (male or female).

  10. Not surprised about this article at all! We live in a world where men they think they can do whatever they want even if they are married. Men do behave badly and they think its okay when its not. There are many abusive relationships because men are characterized at strong and dominant thus abusing their wives either verbally or physically. I thought that it was interesting when they said that men fear losing their children. Although this could make sense because rarely do you see a case where the best interest of the child is with the father. However, because men tend to not show their feelings or not as compassionate as women are, I thought it was very surprising that they would not want to lose their kid. In addition, it is more common for a women to be a single parents than a man to be a single dad.

  11. From the article, I learned of several reasons as to why a woman would be more likely to seek divorce than a man. When in a married relationship, men tend to be happier and healthier than their spouses. This is a result of a relationship where men seem to be getting more out of the marriage than the other. It said that men have a lot more to lose from a divorce than women, and I’m started to think this may be true. The women’s role in marriage is usually something like that of a caretaker, and they provide the husband with an easier and more liveable life than they would have if not in marriage. It is true in most marriages that the men provides the financial stability, whereas the women provides the emotional security along with a long list of undocumented tasks that sometimes go unnoticed. The man is able to go to work, and come home to a clean house and just relax; but that is only because the woman makes it possible for him to do so. Women are more likely to file for divorce because they are less dependant on their male spouse as they may have been years ago. Emotionally they seek their female friends when they need someone to talk to, unlike men who will bottle it up if they cannot vent to their wives, and typically won’t tell their male friends.

  12. According to a survey done by the Pew Research Center and taken by more than 35,000 people from all 50 states only about 23% of American citizens are not religious. That means that 77% of the population is and of that 77%, 71% of the American population is Christian. Christian is based in patriarchy. God is also called the Father and His bride is the church and countless times throughout the Bible it is said that a wife must submit to her husband. That does not mean that she is burdened to obey his every command but rather she should have faith in him that he will make correct choices. It is taught that wives should be supportive of their husbands and trust in them. Justly so, believers should conform to the authority of their God. With such a huge chunk of the population being taught these beliefs and practicing them, why is it so shocking that “most marriages find men with a bit more power?” It is not like these religions are just now becoming popular. They have existed for centuries and their practices have been engrained into human the lifestyle.


    • This scripture comes out of patriarchy — which has been around for 1000s of years. We have a strong history of patriarchy. And patriarchal religions are just less likely to change with the rest of society.

    • Ephesians 5:22-24
      1 Peter 3:1-22
      Colossians 3:18

      THREE doesn’t seem “countless” unless one is severely mathematically challenged: “One… two…uh, ah, umm…”

  13. In this generation, I’m not really surprised to find that women are more likely to file for divorce. I feel as if nowadays women are more independent on themselves than reliant on their partner or husband. However, I don’t find it quite accurate because everyone has a different experience with their divorce. There is always a he said she said, so in reality it’s hard to say that one gender wants something and the other doesn’t. I know many people that have gotten into divorces and it wasn’t filed the the woman and it wasn’t the husband with a drinking problem. Everyone has their own problems and it’s hard to say that one gender is to blame.

    • Except that we have hard data on who files for divorce. And about 80% of the time, it’s women who file.

      No one’s blaming either gender, other than “men behaving badly” due to male entitlement. And that’s socialized, not innate difference. Otherwise, women are just less emotionally dependent on their husbands because men are discouraged from being in touch with their emotions.

  14. I’m surprised when I read the beginning of the post saying “About three-quarters of divorces are filed by women”. Maybe because I spent most of my life in China, there’s still a stereotype in my mind that mothers, for the sake of their children having a complete family, would not seek divorce easily. But after reading the post, I realized that the inequality between men and women in marriages played a big role of causing more women to seek divorce. If you think about it, you can tell that this inequality really exists: men having affairs are just being men, but women having affairs become sluts; men getting drunk is okay because they need a way to express their stress but women drinking become a big problem; men traveling often for work is being responsible to the family but women who have to travel often become irresponsible mothers. There are so many double standards causing the inequality of between men and women that it makes sense that more women want to seek divorce than men.

    • Your comment makes me wonder how different Americans and the Chinese are. I’m not really sure what the divorce statistics are in China, but now I’m curious.

  15. I actually would very much agree that men are happier in a marriage at least on the outside because yes it does provide them with everything they can’t seem to get outside of a marriage (emotional support, inherent power etc.). Thus I don’t get why there is so much “lore” about how men don’t want to be ensnared by a woman or have a “ball and chain” at home because it seems to be a beneficial situation for them to find themselves in. However, on the flipside, I think women are beginning to realize that marriage isn’t as beneficial to them anymore as they were told it would be thus their dissatisfaction level is rising leading to them filing for divorce en masse. Women are seeing clearly that all the things that marriage is supposed to provide (support, financial stability, kids, love, etc.) are not being provided or can be had outside of a marriage. From the studies, it seems we can almost see a flip in gendered desires or wants. Men are wanting to keep a marriage because they are finding that it is not a trap but actually a boon while women are seeing it as a trap and not the boon they were promised. I also would say that these higher divorce rates among women are in some ways due to an increase in grey divorces or as japan calls them retired husband syndrome (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retired_husband_syndrome). Whereby women who have led separate lives all throughout the marriage either being focused on raising kids or keeping their own schedule are now that their husband is retired are unwilling to fall back in the role of caring for him and instead choose to divorce. Which again is part of the inherent privileging in a relationship that women are now shunning because they’ve been shown that marriage doesn’t have to be forever and that divorce is okay if not preferable as expressed by shows such a “girlfriend’s guide to divorce”.

    • There was an article in the New York Times today discussing how difficult it can be for men to have close friendships, So that for many men their wived are their best friend. Which would be fine if she weren’t also their only friend.

    • “I actually would very much agree that men are happier in a marriage at least on the outside because yes it does provide them with everything they can’t seem to get outside of a marriage (emotional support, inherent power etc.).”

      This is is simply an illusion. Sure there are some men who enjoy marriages in the manner you write. However, I do not think this is so in the majority of cases.

      Ask yourself this question? How can a man be so thrilled and happy in a marriage with a woman who is not all that happy being married to him? There is only one answer; a man who is oblivious and unaware of what is going on in his house! Yes, there are indeed man men who are just that stupid.

      Most married men love their wives. However, they live in this constant fear of not living up to her expectations and not keeping her happy. So, there is this constant pressure on them to make sure she is happy. God forbid she is unhappy (about anything!!). What happens over time is these men just endure it all. Why? Because since you were a small boy you have been taught to just “suck it up.” I know grown ass men who pay all the bills in the home who are relegated to the basement or their little man caves. They don’t like it. But, can’t say a damn thing out of fear. Is this really any way to live?

      The wives have already emotionally disconnected. Many were never really emotionally connected to him to begin with. Husbands are the last to recognize this fact. He spends more and more time and effort trying to please her. Soon all of this leads to resentment. But, often he is powerless to do anything about his circumstance. The courts and laws are stacked against him. Again, there is fear. Fear of losing it all. Losing his home, his kids, his family.

      So, no marriage is not all that it is cracked up to be for men as you say. I am not saying it is utopia for women either. But, I can tell you for a lot of men (more than what people want to truly admit), it is one of the most emasculating things on this planet.

  16. Women try their best to keep the family together. Globally women have been the oppressed beings for times immemorial, still struggling to come out of Men’s world. They are culturally compelled to stay within abusive marriages. I have seen these realities even in this era!

    Only American women could be that free to file for a divorce. Children are the real sufferers when parents divorce and nobody thinks about them! Own freedom and own happiness seems to be more important!

    • There are definitely cultural differences, Someone from China explains. And I have a neighbor from Bangladesh who is separated from her abusive husband, But she will not divorce him because she will be blamed and looked down upon in her community.

  17. Women are more emotionally connected with their spouses, as opposed to men.

    That is why they suffer more in a relationship (read – higher the expectations, the higher the chance of feeling emotionally burned down).

  18. ” Married men are happier and healthier than single men ” I will disagree here , I divorced my ex wife , she was lazy , always complained & never did a thing around the house. Now I’m a single father that also works FT. One major lesson learned , I’m not suited to relationships & will stay single , women & men are not compatible at all ( a classic example that has been covered here is sexually , men in general want sex , whilst most women do not ) , we are wired to want the polar opposite of the other gender. The sexes are self segregating at an increasing rate , men are now shunning marriage if anything , marriage is dated & has had it’s day.

  19. I think we live in opposite land. Mothers should give their sons away when they get married since they’re more dependent on us.

    • Women are more likely financially dependent on husbands and men are more likely emotionally dependent on wives. But because we rank men above women women are more likely to take on male traits and roles. So many women have jobs these days. Men are less comfortable with emotion.

      • I don’t think making money is naturally a male role. It was just a way to make women dependent on them. In most other animals, the male has to be pretty and the female gets to be choosy in that regard since she has the resources to raise her babies. Humans made it the opposite!

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