Is Your Partner’s Ogling a Turn-Off?

Men may ogle because they are sexually turned on, and many women may enjoy the attention (some don’t). But ogling could be a sexual turnoff for a man’s partner.

I surveyed my women students (a total of 47, non-random sample) and asked: How attracted would you be if your partner let you know he thought you were the most attractive woman in the world? He never ogles other women because he only has eyes for you. Nearly everyone gave this scenario 10’s on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 = very turned on; 1= very turned off; n/a = no affect).

What if he said, “You’re the most attractive woman in the world,” but he sometimes ogles other women. No 10’s anymore. Answers fell mostly around 7. But if he did it a lot responses dipped to about 3.

What if he assured you that he found you just as attractive as other women, but still sometimes ogles? Typical response landed around 4. If he did it a lot, 1’s were common.

Now let’s up the ante in terms of how he feels for you. He explains that he loves you and not them, but other women are just more attractive. Suddenly we find 1’s all around. One student went off the scale, writing in “0.” With exclamation points!!!!

Many seem to think women dislike ogling because they fear cheating, or being left for another woman. So a cure is prescribed: “Be more secure.” Yet few women cited concerns with cheating as their problem. Instead, most simply didn’t like feeling that their man was “as attracted” or “more attracted” to other women.

The feeling likely has something to do with how women’s sexuality works.

Men operate by seeing a sexy woman, or sexy body parts, and getting excited. No
wonder so many want to stare. But how do women work? First, the mere sight of a
man, or any part of him doesn’t do a whole lot for most women. Hence, the abundance of girlie magazines and the dearth of beefcake.

Men aren’t sex objects in our culture. Women are. As Linda Phelps explains in an article called, “Female Sexual Alienation,” a woman gets aroused by feeling like her guy is turned on by her. So it stands to reason that if she feels like he’s getting turned on by someone else, that has the opposite effect: it’s a turnoff. Hence, the survey results.

Ogling may dull a woman’s libido for just a few hours, for several days, or permanently – a few hours being most common, women said.

So men, you can ogle if you like, but it could put a damper on your real sex life.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs
Why Guys Think They Almost Got Laid
Ogling: Boys Will Be Boys?
I Can’t Stop Staring At Other Women

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on June 15, 2011, in gender, men, objectification, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 69 Comments.

  1. I think a big reason women don’t want their partner’s wandering eyes is that it shows great disrespect. It’s disrespectful to the relationship and partner as well as rude to the object of attention. I think women can extrapolate a common disregard of feelings like this ogling behavior to other areas of the relationship, and assume the neck-craning partner is willing to disrespect in other areas, which is unacceptable and a huge turn off. In a relationship, how you are treated is everything–and if women have doubts that they will be respected, a little is lost.

  2. Victor Aguirre

    I’ve always established the rule of “look but don’t touch” in past relationships. This has been my way of coming to terms with the possibility of guys who look better than me. I has also served as a way to challenge myself into being confident. I’ve used this rule to also spark my inner competition and realize what I need to work on: style, grace, physic, knowledge, etc. Although painful and frustrating at times it has served as a way to make a quick analysis of the relationship at different points in time. What I mean is that if whomever I’m with at a certain point doesn’t steer their attention from me, it means that our relationship is doing well. Contrary to this when the attention starts to divert from my general direction that’s when a yellow flag goes off warning me to do something.

    From my personal perspective, I generally don’t like to stare at women simply out of courtesy. However, exceptions are made when a picture perfect set of legs are place in front of me, then my need to appreciate God’s work of art renders me to take a glimpse. I try not to stare but some art pieces have more detail than others, requiring more time for proper appreciation. These exceptions are, however, excluded while in the presence of a female companion for that would be disrespectful and counterproductive.

    In short I don’t mind it when girls look at other guys because it helps me face some hurtful truths. I think I have thick skin to handle it or perhaps just a really big ego to brush it off with. On the other hand I don’t wonder because they are wiser than that, but they are also serene to acknowledge a healthy looking women.

  3. YES! My husband’s ogling is a turn-off. After reading this blog article it got me thinking about why I don’t like my husband to ogle. First of all, if he turns his head at another women and takes a nice look at her, I feel jealous. I feel angry. I don’t like for him to ogle in front of me because it hurts me. Why does it hurt me? Obviously if he is looking at another women with anything more than a passing glance, it means he finds her attractive. In a way, I feel it is disrespectful to ogle like that because I KNOW woman and the first thing that crosses their mind is, “That guy thinks I am hotter than his wife and wants me.” Also, my self-esteem is low, so I guess that doesn’t help. I am getting ready to go to Cabo after graduation next week and I am terrified to get in a swimsuit. I already feel self-conscious and I’m not even there yet.
    If my husband ogles other women at the pool, I will lose my mind. It is MY issue though, not his. I enjoy looking at gorgeous men too, but I don’t ogle, especially in front of my husband.

  4. Vince Simpson

    I heard this concern from many women in my life before, mostly coming from female friends complaining about their boyfriends. In addition, I understand how a person with a partner who constantly stares at other attractive people can affect a person’s thoughts about themselves and the position that they hold in their partner’s life. However, the ogler does not feel that what they are doing causes any harm as long they do not act, therefore, without you explaining how it makes you feel he will continue in their habit of ogling. However, if he chooses to continue knowing how it makes you feel he obviously does not cherish you or your feels, than leaving you to choose to stay in relationship where you are treated unfairly or to seek out a better partner. In past relatioships I have been accused of ogling at other women, and I have also seen women ogling men both single ones an ones in relationships. Ogling happens on both sides, however men did it considerably more than women, the fact remains, that it is natural when attracted to look.

    As an experiment to how men would react, women should ogle other men that they find attractive and measure the responses. Undoubtedly, men would feel as turned off as women, causing them to question themselves, which can cause a drop in their sexuality a well as their self-esteem.

  5. The truth is, when a man really loves a woman then he would NOT be interested in other women.He would not be interested to look at her, make a coment about her, take a second look at her and so on. The issue with this era is that almost no one gets married for the right reason. Most people get married b/c they think its cute or simply for all the wrong reasons. It is most certainly a turn off for a man to look at another woman and NOT b/c that would make me jealous but it would upset me for being disrespected by the very man who claimed/claims he LOVES me. That is no love and a man needs to learn more about love and respect before committing to one woman. Because it is only then that the relationship has more meaning and chance to last a life time.

  6. To be quite honest, ogling is an annoying habit but for me its not a turn -off. Just because a man looks at another woman doesnt exactly mean that he wants to have sex with her and leave you. It is a mans nature to be attracted to women and of look at something that he is attracted to. he cant help look at pretty girl. However, it also depends on to what degree he is doing it, if it is constant and obvious and it is being used as a way to make you jealous that is NOT okay. The is just hurtful and lusting at someone while you are in a meaningful relationship, it cases like those it brings along bad consequences to the relationship with a possible point of no return. Things like jealousy, low self-esteem, poor communication, etc.

  7. I agree, I want to know I am solely who turns my man on. At the same time if a women is very pretty and we both notice her and it is a quick glance okay, but if you are staring at her and making a big deal about how pretty she is, then it becomes a turn off!!

  8. Demi Battaglia

    I think a lot of men in today’s society look no matter if their in a relationship or not. Woman do it as well, whether they like to admit it or not. I believe it is not a bad thing as long as they just look and don’t touch. However, if it becomes a constant thing and all your thinking about is other people instead of the person your in a relationship with, then you have a problem.

  9. My man is a major ‘ogler’. He tells me he loves me regularly, is attentive, etc but still manages to annoy me with his wandering eyes. We live in a big city where beautiful women are plentiful – around every corner. He will check out a 15 yr old or a 55 yr old, doesn’t matter, as long as they are beautiful. (He is almost 50.) We have arguements over this because he insists he is NOT ogling. He denies it completely! How do I deal with his denial? He honestly looks hurt and in disbelief when I bring it up. Help!

    • What to do about an ogling man?

      There’s a lot of advice out there including “ignore it.” Not something I’ve ever followed, but some women have.

      You could tell him how much it bothers you, trying to provoke his empathy, and ask him to at least be discreet. Just a quick glance.

      Others suggest behaving the same way as he does so that your guy will have some sense of what it’s like. That seems to work for some.

      I’ll tell you what’s worked for me. But it may have worked for me only because I have absolutely no tolerance for the behavior, so much so that I would rather let the relationship go than put up with it. I have broken up with men over their ogling. I’ve also explained how it affects my sexual interest in them (i.e., I lose interest). In two cases the men realized they wanted me more than they wanted to stare, and changed their behavior. In another case, he kept doing it. So I broke up with him for good.

      Here’s some advice from Psychology Today which is a bit less drastic, so you might want to consider it. I’ve included a quote below. If you’d like to see the whole piece, go to: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200911/advice-ogling-other-women

      Obviously ogling other women when he’s with you is a little too blatant and comes across as an implicit put-down of you and the relationship. It doesn’t take a whole lot of insecurity to dislike it. In fact, there are far better reasons than insecurity for why it’s problematic: It’s just downright disrespectful of the company he’s with.

      Advice: Stop going out with him in public if he won’t behave.

      • I found one more site with more interesting advice on turning the tables. Here’s a partial quote:

        Stare at other men, smile more often at others, do that thing with your hair as you stare at another man, giggle at that cutie in the next table and look away, and just about do anything that would attract other men’s attention.

        When he asks you about it, which he definitely would if he even remotely cares about you, let your eyes drift away to the next table again, before smiling at him lovingly as if he’s just come back into focus. A vague, “Sorry hun, did you say something?”, should get him making himself look like an idiot, at which stage you can laugh it off and say you’re only joking, or that it doesn’t mean anything, or that he’s the one you really want. (And) if you man doesn’t get the hint, you’d at least have a new arm candy.

        For more, check out this link: http://www.lovepanky.com/women/dating-men-tips-for-women/how-to-stop-your-man-from-staring-at-other-women

  10. Ogling is a big turn off. I think of it like this..If he is willing to ogle with me right there what could he be capable of if I’m not??
    I don’t think it’s jealously for me ,the reason being – if he was flirting or a girl was flirting with him I would be jealous which would consist of being … feisty.. agitated and confrontational. When he is ogling someone I feel 2nd best , embarrassed and hurt.
    Honestly -it’s like watching your man give something to another woman your not getting.

  11. Looking or staring are ok but but ogling as in amourous, flirty looks are not only disrepectful but destroy relationships. There is one type of ogler who plans to ogle by walking behind their partner to be in a better position to ogler. If walking in front, when he ogles other women they may give you a surprised (bewildered, amused, warning) look, dont ignore your instincts or hunches on this. Try reasoning but really the behaviour is probably ingrained and who wants to be with someone who humiliates you in public.

  12. My married Christian friends and my daughter’s husband don’t ogle. I was at an auto show where a women’s singing group was scantily clad and dancing sexily. Very few men ogled them. In fact, some seemed annoyed because they were there to look at cars. The two men I was with at a volunteer booth weren’t even interested in looking. I disagree that most men ogle. I believe immature men ogle. One thing I notice that was not mentioned here is the emotional age of the “man” in question. Ogling is rude, inconsiderate and says that you’re not interested in an egalitarian relationship. I don’t want to be with a boy or a teenager. I want someone who’s thoughtful and serious. Let’s not make excuses for immaturity, say that testosterone made them do it or that boys will be boys. Why does it seem that everytime men do something inappropriate, women are told that it’s their issue? Why do we say that women who want mature men are insecure or have low-self esteem when it’s the other way around? A guy who’s secure with a healthy self-esteem in a committed relationship doesn’t feel the need to ogle. Ogling, like flirting, is an immature way to get your needs met. Any adult whose needs are met controls their behavior naturally without needing to put forth much, if any, effort. If your man can’t, then he’s really just a boy who needs to grow up.

    • I definitely agree. Thanks for the wisdom. I am a Christian and when I feel alone with this I hold up the world’s wisdom next to God’s word to see if it can stand. And it cannot. Which is a reminder when your world is falling apart or you second guess what’s right, ask “what would Jesus do?”. It sounds cliche but so true.

  13. This was a great article! I think as constructive criticism perhaps better defining “oggling” and “staring” and “looking” might have helped. A man does not need to “oggle” to get stimulated. All it takes is a 2 second direct look for a desire to be felt inside physically … how is that not cheating if your being sexually stimulated by another woman? Since when is sexual arousel hands-off acceptable in commitment? What saddens me is the usage “I look when my partner is not around to be polite”. This is not real honesty, in fact its being two different people and rather hypocritical. If you want your partner to feel intuitively you can be trusted on your own, then you should behave the same without her as you would right with her. Its no wonder women fear men going out on their own! And believe me what hurts in the face to face hurts in the back too – women feel very intuitively what goes on, in fact many people do without even being there. Its an energy that travels.. a frequency that settles into the rship and erodes it…. so get a grip, exercise some control guys and focus on the one your with even when you not with her. You never know when you might need that trust, and dedication right back one day!

  14. Do women enjoy being ogled? I think it depends. As I woman, I have the experience of being ogled. I have found there’s mainly two kinds of ogling, one says that “this lady is so nice!”; another says that “oh, look this hot chick!” I would enjoy the first one and get annoyed by the second one, because the second one makes me feel disrespected.

    Women dislike their men ogling other women because they are afraid that their men would be attracted by others and leave them.

    On the other hand, I find that women actually ogle handsome men as well, but they usually do that at a longer distance compared with men ogling women. I remember watching guys playing basketball with some other girls when I was in high school.

    What I am curious is how would a man feel if his lady was ogling another man? I don’t know most men, but my experience tells me that guys are more likely to ignore the fact that there are still many attractive guys on the earth.

  15. I am so glad someone wrote about this. Ogling or simply commenting and observing other girls has been an INSTANT TURN OFF for me all my life. The minute a guy made any sort of sexually objectifying comment about another I wrote them off instantly. And I am NOT going to say as long as it’s not infront of me. It cannot be at all. I simply want more for myself and think every girl should. I don’t even think this myth that all men ogle women applies to my fiancee. He couldn’t care less what other girls look like, and I couldn’t care less what other guys look like. We are not blind. We notice short people, tall people, nice looking people, not so nice looking people… That is all it should be. It should not phase you if you are in love. They are just people. We also have reformed definitions of beauty and this value of ours is what we feel makes us really in love. You do not fantasize, ogle, or spend time dwelling on anyone other than your partner.

    • That’s how I’ve usually experienced men, too. Non-ogling. And it’s how I treat the men I’m with, as well. Distraction is really disrespectful, if you ask me.

      • I totally agree. It’s so hard to find other girls or couples that think this way and being around them can be akward. Do you blog about body image issues as well??

  16. I do. Here are (quite) a few samples:

    Beauty Tricks to Remove Your Power
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/04/16/beauty-tricks-to-remove-your-power/
    Miss Representation: Girls are Pretty, Boys Are Powerful
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/11/21/miss-representation-girls-are-pretty-boys-are-powerful/
    Miss Representation: How I Look Is What Matters
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/10/26/miss-representation-how-i-look-is-what-matters/

    Men Are Naturally Attracted To Unnatural Women
    https://broadblogs.com/2010/10/21/men-are-naturally-attracted-to-unnatural-women/
    Beautiful Women’s Hips Are Thinner Than Their Heads?
    https://broadblogs.com/2010/11/01/beautiful-women%e2%80%99s-hips-are-thinner-than-their-heads/

    You’re Hotter Than You Think
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/01/18/youre-hotter-than-you-think/
    Must We All Look The Same? Variety Is The Spice Of Life
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/01/09/must-we-all-look-the-same-variety-is-the-spice-of-life/
    The Plump Beauty Ideal: Exotic Dancers in 1890
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/04/25/the-plump-beauty-ideal-exotic-dancers-in-1890/

    Woman, Not the Sum of Flawed Parts
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/08/05/woman-not-the-sum-of-flawed-parts/
    What Gossip Magazines & Abusers Have In Common
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/03/14/what-gossip-magazine-abusers-have-in-common/

    How to Look Like a Victoria’s Secret Angel
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/12/30/how-to-look-like-a-victorias-secret-angel/
    500 Calories + Pregnancy Hormones = Perfect Body
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/03/18/500-calories-pregnancy-hormones-perfect-body/
    Beautiful Women’s Hips Are Thinner Than Their Heads?
    https://broadblogs.com/2010/11/01/beautiful-women%e2%80%99s-hips-are-thinner-than-their-heads/

    I Can’t Believe I Ate A Whole Head Of Lettuce!
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/05/13/i-can%e2%80%99t-believe-i-ate-a-whole-head-of-lettuce/
    I Overate Because I Felt Guilty Eating
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/06/22/i-overate-because-i-felt-guilty-eating/
    Lose Weight, Stop Dieting
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/01/04/lose-weight-stop-dieting/

    Anorexia: Physically and Spiritually Dying
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/01/25/anorexia-physically-and-spiritually-dying/
    Men Are Naturally Attracted To Unnatural Women
    https://broadblogs.com/2010/10/21/men-are-naturally-attracted-to-unnatural-women/

    Men Prefer Great Hair Over Big Breasts?
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/04/06/men-prefer-great-hair-over-big-breasts/
    Keep Your Boobs, Get Better Guys
    https://broadblogs.com/2011/07/13/keep-your-boobs-get-better-guys/

    The Cure for Cellulite
    https://broadblogs.com/2012/05/16/the-cure-for-cellulite/

    Bridalplasty: Competing to be Plastic on Reality TV
    https://broadblogs.com/2010/12/02/bridalplasty-or-bridenstein-competing-for-plastic-surgery-on-tv/

  17. “So men, you can ogle if you like, but it could put a damper on your real sex life.”
    The above is the last line in the article…The problem with that line is that..women these days are caught between a rock and a hard place..cuz if they withold sex..the men will just seek MANY MANY available slutty girls out there to have sex with and that can surely destroy a relationship cuz that usually dont end there! Darn if u do..darn if u dont!!! Whatta crazy world!!!

    • Definately not an attractive attitude. I’ve always broken up with men like that. That’s what HE risks — that women will break up with them.

      Very few men I’ve been with have behaved in an ogling way. Yes, indeed, there are more fish in the sea. Most men actually “relationship-guard.” See:

      Ogling: Boys Will Be Boys?
      https://broadblogs.com/2011/08/15/ogling-boys-will-be-boys/

      Really, why can’t people express common courtesy to the people they’re with? If you love someone, you should manage to be polite to them. If they can’t be polite, they’re not worth it.

    • If you please your woman you will get plenty of sex.

      If you displease her, then no sex.

      Simple.

      How hard is that to understand?

  18. If you want to see how many women are in despair over a man’s ogling look at this link here:

    http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-sweet-and-caring-but-he-really-ogles-other-women.html

    It’s rude and inconsiderate to the woman you are with to be publicly ogling other women in her presence. Why even date her? Just go to the sidelines and view women instead of having a real relationship with someone. It also show the stunted immaturity of a man that needs counseling to grow and act as a mature human being.

  19. This article has helped to highlight what the side-effects of ogling and to some extent flirting with other women, which is good.

    Based on the comments, the woman’s husband is being disrespectful and a turn-off to his partner, and causing a rift in their relationship, it shows he doesn’t care for or want his partner as much and is behaving as if they should end their relationshiip.

    That assumes that his current partner is in the 99 percentile of supermodels and leading movie actresses, a youthful godess of physique and in bed, and treats her man like a king. Any woman who falls outside that will have to expect that any man with working eyesight and working genitals is bound by biology to survey the landscape and he is doing so every miniute of every day, whether he is in company or not.

    The issue here is whether he is doing so blatantly, and within his partners’ sight. Some men are more skilled at surveillance and ‘hunting’ (and will be off having an affair in a blink of an eye), whilst others are far less discreet and can’t control their urge to behave like boys, there are a range between the two extremes. Don’t be fooled into thinking your man doesn’t do it, either your lying to yourself, he very adept at hiding it from you, or he’s turned gay (in which case he is now checking out the beefcake instead of the hot woman next to you)’

  20. I’m actually having a similar problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months but it is our second time around, we dated years ago briefly. He has been ogling women on television since day 1. He will say things like ‘damn’ or ‘mmm’ and has even went so far as to say ‘look those pants show her cat print’, as in vagina print. Or ‘look her ass is in front of the camera’. I have been telling him from the first day that it bothers me and I don’t know any woman that it wouldn’t bother and I have repeatedly asked him to stop this behavior. He will say I’m overreacting or he is sorry that I feel like he was being disrespectful and brushes it off. Now that I am pregnant I feel so outraged about the comments that are never ending. I am to the point that I am ready to leave him because of this. My question is am I being overly sensitive or is he the douche I think that he is?

    • I don’t know enough about your situation to tell you what to do. Especially since you are pregnant, the stakes are higher.

      I have never been in a position of being pregnant in this kind of situation, so I have always just left guys in the past who have behaved that way. Only one of them wanted me more than to ogle women, and he changed. I’m not sure if it takes a motivation like being left to get someone to change. But he was very determined to do so because he didn’t want to lose me.

      Since you are pregnant I wouldn’t necessarily give you that same advice.

      First, I would suggest you talk to a counselor. If you can’t afford that you might want to see a religious counselor because they are free. A pastor or something. Maybe you’ll have to start going to church to do that.

      There are a couple of things you could think through on this. One is that this guy could actually enjoy hurting you, which would not be a good type of partner to have. But of course, that’s not necessarily what’s going on.

      On the other hand, it’s not that uncommon that men who ogle don’t even realize they’re doing it, and they feel they have no control over it. They kind of get into an altered state. It’s similar to what guys can experience when they watch porn — because they are having a pornographic experience watching these women – and I will write a little bit about this in a blog post sometime, but here are a few paragraphs that might help you to understand it. I’ve simplified some of the wording to help you understand it better.

      And you can go to the link at the end to read more:

      Pornographic images seem to activate a man’s visual system in a manner that goes beyond just looking at trees or even people. It’s almost like a high-definition signal compared with a standard signal. Once this signal—Tori Black in the nude, say—hits the male antenna, the brain’s reward system kicks in, producing a rush of feel-good dopamine. This can reinforce the behavior much in the same way that drugs like cocaine would.

      At the same time the part of the brain that makes judgments is shut off. 

Essentially, the decision-making system is turning itself over to the experience; it’s almost like the men are hypnotized. This is the classic male stereotype: When men think with what’s below, they don’t make good decisions. Or, the decisions are made for them.

      http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/porn-debate?fullpage=true#ixzz2C51rt6US

      If he can’t or won’t change, you will need to decide whether this is something you can live with. Is your life better with or without him?

    • He’s acting like an immature boy.
      If nothing else works out, you could do the same thing to him, so that he realizes that’s annoying.
      You could comment a good looking man on TV just like he does about women, see if he likes that.

  21. I had a boyfriend for 2 and a half years and he was a great guy and he did tend to “ogle” quite a bit. However, I was never offended, turned off or any of the above. Personally, I liked to join in and ogle with him. Women are attractive in my mind, not that im attracted to them, but I love to look at them and their features (in envy and in awe). Doing this with him became a fun activity for us. I think I felt as comfortable as I did about him looking at women because in person, he wasn’t good with women. No one ever came onto him, flirt with him or any of that…at least in front of me. He was often quite and shy which made him like untouchable to women since he was always in the background. He was only talkative and in depth with me which is maybe why I never got jealous or was concerned about his ogling. I never found it an issue and I liked it more than I disliked it so I could join him in the fun of ogling at other women.

    • There was a mix of feelings. But an overall pattern, too.

    • You’re obviously just “accepting” of this behavior so you can get a pat on the head by men who ogle other women when they already have girlfriends and also so you can look like you’re superior to the women who dislike their boyfriends ogling other women. Please, you’re not special because you “accept” his degenerate behavior and just because you accept it doesn’t make it okay or any less degenerate. The fact that you accept it means you have mental and self-esteem issues.

  22. Tiredofhusbandogling

    I’m really glad that someone actually wrote this article! I just have to agree with everything said here! I have a husband who ogles but denies ALL THE TIME! Unfortunately I have two little kids and cannot afford to dump this marriage based on this ogling aspect. I feel hurt and depressed whenever he stares at other attractive women. I’m not a ramp model but hey I’m not bad looking either! This is the very reason I’m not turned on by him – the very thought of him looking at other women and the slightest possibility of him undressing them in his mind and using those images to turn him on when we have sex (which is really rare now!) is very yucky to me personally! The main thing I don’t understand is why he constantly denies ogling? Will such me never understand what they have to lose in the long run??

    • I guess on some level he denies it because he has some sense that it could hurt the relationship. My own experience with this just drives me nuts. It’s too bad that he is sacrificing real sex and relationship for some stupid fantasy. So sorry.

  23. Tiredofhusbandogling

    When he knows that it will hurt the relationship, then why ogle! I think such men take their partners for granted – especially now that I have two little ones, it’s not like I can leave him in a jiffy! I realize now that I had made an insensible decision to share my life with him when I saw such traits in him earlier! I think one of the factors that plays a role is when he was growing up, his family kind of made him believe that he was a catch! So in his mind he definitely thinks that he could have done better than me.
    He can go on for weeks or months in a row without being intimate with me and appears like that doesn’t hurt him at all. This fact hurts me the most. Do you think he pleasures himself through masturbation and/or wet dreams?
    I hope I can wait till the kids are slightly older to get out of this if he doesn’t change his ways. I’m in a soup as of now!

    • Yeah, he probably does. And a lot of these guys take it personally and think the women are dressing for them, so it’s an ego boost. (She wants male attention/desire… She wants MY attention/desire.)

      I broke up with all the guys who behaved that way (4). One of them wanted me more than to ogle and worked to overcome it. It was hard cause the guys get hypnotized (I’ll write about that later.) but when it was “them or me,” he chose me and knew he had to change. You’re in a more difficult place. Can’t easily leave because of the kids.

      Maybe he needs something to force himself to confront the situation. A fear of losing you. He seems to be loosing himself. Maybe there’s a lack in his life, that began way before he met you, that he’s compensating for that’s threatening to become an obsession. An obsession that takes him out of reality and robs him of himself, and his real relationship with you.

      Maybe expand your world to build the richness that’s lacking in this relationship. Maybe that will even get his attention. If not, it could help you, anyway.

      Wonder why he’d rather live in a dream than reality? Maybe you should talk to him about it.

  24. I realize that it’s very hurtful for women to experience this but don’t women do it that in some way too?
    If women like to look at beautiful women and think that they are attractive and sexy that’s ok but if men look at women then it’s a problem?

    • I have never heard of men complaining that women are staring at other women instead of them (the woman’s partner).

      Women don’t do it in the same way. When women are walking around they aren’t constantly checking out gorgeous women and lusting after them, as they ignore their partner.

      They are more likely either oblivious or envious and worried that their man is finding other women attractive. Or just checking to see how they measure up to other women, as they remain concerned with how they look to their partner, or other men.

      I said that women seem to learn the breast fetish, but it doesn’t manifest in the way it does with men. The only studies I have seen that pick this up are when women are actually nude. As in watching pornography. That’s the only time I have ever experienced the fetish, myself. When I walk around in the world I never even notice women, or their breasts. And I while I never notice breasts, I do sometimes notice an unusually beautiful woman (her face). But even then, I don’t feel any desire for her. I’m more likely to feel a mix of appreciation and envy.

  25. I’m in this situation now. In the beginning of our relationship I felt better than any women. I was all he wanted. Then porn came in, then he made a comment about banging a ring girl during a boxing match. Well that was it, no tingling down there anymore and even when he tried to kiss me I cringe. So really when the woman realizes she is no longer top dog the pussy gets pit in a box and stored away. Its a mental thing.

  26. When I asked my ogling husband to read this article, he declined and returned my phone. Thus, hurting my feelings even more. I now feel as though what I feel means nothing. We’ve been married less than 2 months. In the first 48 hours we were sleeping in separate rooms. He doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. All he demands is that I get into the bed. I’ve lost nearly all desire to be with him. We’re ages 50 (me) and 48 (him). I’m lost and hopeless in this marriage. Broken hearted and degraded.

    • You deserve so much better.

      Personally, I’ve left every guy I’ve been with who ogles (4). One cared enough to change. And that took a while. I didn’t go back to him until he did.

      But most guys I’ve been with haven’t behaved that way. There are a lot of good guys out there. I’ll have to say that most the guys I’ve met have been thru church or political activism (or sociology grad students — kind of the same thing) and maybe that helps explain it?

      • Ive decided to do the same. With me, I’m never jealous or envious. I do not mind being around other attractive women, however with me I know the guy is doing it on purpose, because he’s a whore. I know this only because I’m fully aware of how beautiful I am. I’m always told by guys how sexually attracted I am, having big busty breast and curvy spoon/pear shaped body, and big kim karshian eyes, naturally long lashed, full lips, built long legs and beautiful dark shinny dreads. resembling angela bassett in her younger years. I’m built something like marlin Monroe and I work out and always dress like a lady. So i know of my guy ogle he is just whoring on yhe down low. i see how some guys hurry away from me, to not make their girls jealous (this is standng in line behind me), others circle blocking, follow me around…etc. and even though I’m with my guy I never acknowledge it, out of respect, so if my guy flirts with other women and ogle, I know he is either a whore or is trying to prove something to me. I’m a lady, and demand respect and will tell my guy, flat out, it’s disrespectful, if he continues, he will regret it. I once warned my guy and he blew me off (the guy was a whore), and I immediately told him, I was going and left without him. When he saw I was going to drive away, he apologized.
        I told him , “do not disrespect me, cause I will disrespect you so much, in ways. Eat your self esteem and don’t care”

        I was lucky to have been raised by my stepfather to be able to detach when things just get too bad, or on my last nerves, like guys can.

        I’ve cut guys off from disrespect do fast, that they were shocked, and one even said, I can’t believe you never called me again. Lol

        ladies men know when they are doing it and have control. I proved it once, when the guy who I’m ready to dump.
        I purpose spoke to a very attractive women who asked about my hair. I then walked away and made a comment to him about how attractive and lady like she was. She was his type to. He never said a word, and refused to look at her. He would have, if he spotted her first cause he wanted me to catch him ogling her. But me speaking to her, ruined nay possibly fantasy he would have ogling her at first sight. I proved this was true by noticing how he ogling other women right after.

        Trust me when I tell u this ladies, men who ogle womem alot, either was a cheater, considering cheating or is not quite emotionally attached to you. No matter which one, your relationships is in trouble.

        the few guys who ogled other women, had history of being cheaters, had women stashed away, angry hurt x girl friends, while with me and could easily blow my feelings off, and were arroganf,
        every one of them came groveling back, when I dumped them over it.

        Do not stay with those guys. Unless you want your main to end up in a situation after ogling turn to flirting and flirting turn to a one night stand with the women

  27. i think ogling is a very bad thing to do in a relationship. The reason being is that in that split second, you showed your partner that you found someone more interesting. My friends boyfriend was a victim to this, and she sais she hated it very much. She felt not only turned off, but also depressed and saddened that she was not enough for her boyfriend. Ogling, basically means you are sexually attracted to the person you are looking at, and in a relationship, there should only be one person, you should be sexually attracted to, and that would be your partner.

    • ladies you ever notice how your guy doesn’t ogle girls you know who are very attractive
      and you know why? Because he know she is off limits. Most time ogling has intentions behind it which is why men prefer to ogling women, their woman don’t know, this way there is not fear of getting caught pursuing the woman they ogled. Suspicion is lowered.
      I’m currently writing a book for women who are dating, in relationships. If interested please post a reply.

    • So true, if your feeling came from a real place, you should only be sexually attracted to the one you are with. I never ogled other guys while with or away from my guy, even when tons of guys approach me (many do) simply because I have a conscience and do not want that on my mind while with my boyfriend and l just don’t see any other guy as attractive as the man I’m with.

  28. I feel as ogling tends to usually turn off my partner due to the fact that it is disrespectful towards them. They tend to get insecure over the fact that I find others more attractive than them. Which could mean any compliments i would say to them could all be a manipulative lie to take advantages over them. It as you stated in the post, i guess women tend to apply this uncertainty into their mood and affection towards their partner and leads towards a decrease in their affection.I however have been guilty of ogling, even though i know it could be wrong for my partner. But my intentions are not bad, just curiosity.

  29. This is a tough argument to make. Personally speaking, I don’t mind much when a partner ogles someone else because sexual attraction is a very natural thing, and to be honest, I do it all the time. It is true, however, that most men do see women as sexual objects, that is how we are presented to them, so how can they control it. And women don’t see men as sexual objects, and therefore do not ogle as often. I think it is overall a harmless thing to do, unless, of course, your partner is affronted by this, or if your ogling leads to making your oglee uncomfortable.

    • It doesn’t seem to bother some women as much as others. But plenty women talk about this problem, and you also see it in the falling off of interest for most women.

  30. Personally, I think that when a man ogles its no big deal. I agree that women, like myself, sometimes want to dress “sexy” to get a mans attention, however don’t want them to stare and be “pervs” about it.

    Also, I think that women are more scared of their partners not finding them attractive than they are of them cheating. Of course we know that woman are very insecure especially when it comes to a mans opinion.
    For me personally, when my boyfriend does it, I don’t mind. I think it is very natural and human thing to do. But if he over does it or purposely says things about it, yeah I’ll be annoyed. But I know he is trying to make me mad.
    I don’t think woman should be worried, scared or bothered by it. We all know woman ogle every here and there too.

    • “if he over does it or purposely says things about it, yeah I’ll be annoyed.”

      Maybe I should be more clear on the definition of ogling. What you just described is ogling. That’s different than noticing and appreciating an attractive man or woman.

  31. Fantastic post. So many make the women out to be insecure or even arrogant instead of recognising the poor and disrespectful behaviour for what it is. I hate that ‘boys will be boys’ excuse. Everyone needs to take ownership of their own actions. Well done for producing this!

    • Thank you. Yeah, it is disrespectful. And can backfire on guys, too!

      (Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, I was on spring break and then busy catching up.)

  32. My husband has been doing it for years but never did when we were first together he said he felt more confident then and had less to worry about and he feels this makes him insecure and does not know how to stop looking at women since he had started doing it after are relationship developed problems because of the stress he had due to family issues.

    I do not really care for excuses and I have been loyal to him since day one with full respect, I am very understanding but I only feel taken advantage of and disrespected for every time I catch him checking someone out, he now gets angry at me if I bring it up and he does not care if I looked at other men which I really feel is wrong so I do not even attempt to do it. I am tired of him lying to me and I am tired of even going anywhere with him without feeling unattractive I feel more attractive by myself he has been trying and has confessed lately when he does look, which gives me hope but I am tired of this we are having a child together soon and he still does it to me that is beyond disrespectful and do not want my daughter to grow up learning that this is okay he even told me he did not want our daughter to be with a man like him.

    I know he is having issues and I am being patient but I can not be around him anywhere much longer without it hurting me to the core. Please help me figure out a way to make him think while we are out or at least manage to get by without him making me feel ugly and stupid. I am not an insecure woman I am very confident in my sexuality and appearance he see’s other men look at me and gets defensive but when a women looks at him he glances at them when they do not look but they notice and smile at me like they are special or something I swear it pisses me off and that is enough for me so I tell him what he does and how he got the attention of another woman who made it obvious to me that she liked it and wanted me to know she got his attention, so he puts his head and eyes down whenever he passes by these woman again but it only helps temporarily then he looks when he thinks I am not looking or paying attention and I am sick of it.

    Overall I love being with him when we are alone but other than that I do not even recognize him anymore as the man I loved. I want to give him time which he has shown to improve but its been to many years for me to just overlook it anymore, Please help me figure out how to make him understand better through my own actions that his actions have consequences to our sex life and relationship so he can understand better how it feels to be on the other side of the shoe.

    • I feel for you!

      Since he does it now and didn’t before it sounds like the ogling is acting as a type of drug for him. He feels down on his life in some way and is using this to self-medicate, as he gets a pleasure-filled jolt.

      If so he would need to deal the underlying issue so that he doesn’t need to self-medicate.

      Otherwise, take a look at the “related posts” at the bottom of this post:

      The first one may or may not be relevant. The last one in particular talks about how men can help themselves (I Can’t Stop Staring At Other Women).

  33. Excellent post. I completely agree with this post. This is exactly how I feel about it. I knew there had to be a reason this bothered me. And I feel better knowing I am not the only woman who feels this way. That many women feel this way about this issue. How did the man we are married first draw our attention in the beginning of our relationship? Then after awhile they stop ogling the woman they choose and start ogling eveyother woman. Then they can’t seem to understand why there womans behavior starts to change. Answer: your womans behavior has changed because your behavior changed. Why do men always change there behavior in a long term relationship? When your woman start realizing that you are no longer ogling her but you are now starting to ogle eye other women instead of her. The woman starts feeling less enthused about having sex with u because that is a turn off. Why do they expect us to be all turned on by them when we are watching them be aroused by the other women and no longer us.

    • Thanks for adding your experience with this.

      Guys think that they can just tell the woman that what they are doing is natural (It’s not. Most of them and I have been with do not behave that way.) What these guys don’t get is that doing this will make them lose great sex with their partners. And likely make them lose their partners completely.

  34. I think a big reason why people don’t want their partner’s eyes wandering is because our society puts a large emphasis on having a monogamous relationship. The idea is that if someone truly loves you they would not need to wander elsewhere and this person loves me so much and I am enough for him or her; and that makes people feel good. It is kind of like a boost of confidence for some. Some people think when a significant other is ogling at another person who is not them, it means that the significant other is not interested in them. This is very limiting because you should be able to say if you think someone is attractive without being bombarded with accusations of you being a cheater or uninterested. For example, if I think that a singer is cute, my significant other should not get upset because there are other factors besides being visually appealing for which I am dating this person.
    I think society has too much emphasis on the restrictions of a relationship. Yes you can commit to a single person, but there is a need for each person to have their independence and freedom of expression. Just because you think someone is good looking does not mean you’re head over heals in love with them.

    • Yeah, I wonder how much of it is due to a monogamous culture that affects even polygamous people and how much it is due to monogamous people who are more likely to complain about it.

  35. Personally, I am not confident in myself and tend to compare myself to other prettier, sexier women. I think it is because throughout my life I was always the “ugly duckling” I was always the least prettiest one from my group and men tended to lean towards them first asking me about them first. When I got into my first serious relationship (being my current one) I did not like him ogling because that meant he found other women more attractive. I just assumed he did but as our relationship started to progress that all stopped and thankfully I became more confident in myself and started to think that I was pretty. I think that women don’t like their significant other to ogle is because they will feel much less confident in themselves and they start to question how pretty they are if their significant other starts to ogle while with them. They start to believe that they aren’t enough because they look at someone more prettier. It is unfortunate that this little act effects women in the relationship to the point of losing confidence in themselves and the relationship. I know I felt like this in the beginning.

    • That can happen, too. Or not. Varies from woman to woman. But since for women “being desired is the orgasm” as reachers have found, it makes sense that when a woman is experiencing her man desiring someone else it would have the opposite effect.

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