Men Enjoy Themselves When Women Do

Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey

A lot of women think that their partners’ enjoyment is more important than their own.

It’s likely unconscious. But you see it every time a young woman gets distracted, focusing on how she looks, or what he wants, and how he feels…

… while completely ignoring how SHE feels.

But men actually enjoy themselves more when their partners are enjoying themselves. 

Young women who get lost in thought, worrying about how they look, or how they should be acting, could take a cue from porn star, Sasha Grey. In the book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam describe Sasha as “skinny, flat, and lacking in feminine curves.” Yet they say she has a large and devoted male following.

Why? Here are comments from the porn star review site FreeOnes:

  • No tits, too damn skinny but god damn i will watch her vids all day
  • I totally am into fake Blondes with huge tits, but… don’t know what it is, maybe she likes it that much, and it is showing
  • Sasha actually puts enthusiasm into her work… I’d kill to be with the girl with that much energy.

These guys aren’t into Sasha because she looks so hot, but because she looks like she’s sooo enjoying herself!

How you are feeling is much more important than having some pornified figure or doing some pornified thing — at least if your guy is worth having as a partner.

Here’s what a man calling himself “Demon Ted” had to say about it:

Early on my girlfriend told me that she would be “totally down for a threesome” if I saw another girl I found attractive. She later recanted when I told her to never suggest anything that makes her uncomfortable or unhappy.

As we talked on she began blurting out a long list of things her ex did, sexually, that she asked me not to. She hadn’t expected to ever get off on real sex, or that her significant other should even try.

I was angry but because I realized what she had come to expect. I saw that she had come to believe that she must do things she hated for a relationship to “work.”

My girlfriend is beautiful. She’s incredibly attractive just the way she is. And she’s most beautiful when she’s enjoying herself, sexually or otherwise.

So start focusing on enjoying yourself! You’ll both be happier.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on August 22, 2016, in men, objectification, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. Errm, if the reality was as simple as “Men Enjoy Themselves When Women Do”, then you wouldn’t be needing to be writing a blog article to convince everybody of the same. The fact you are trying to convince us of it would seem to indicate it’s probably not the whole truth.

    • I’m curious as to why you continually try to make men look bad?

      Especially when it’s not true. Large scale studies find that most men are very concerned that their partners enjoy themselves (if they are partners, not hookups). And I gave more evidence in this post. Plus, all of the men who chimed in — other than you — agree with what I wrote.

      I also added this point: “How you are feeling is much more important than having some pornified figure or doing some pornified thing — at least if your guy is worth having as a partner.”

      And I’m not trying to convince everyone. This was written for women, who aren’t in men’s heads. To quote the opening: “A lot of women think that their partners’ enjoyment is more important than their own.” And then I discussed why they shouldn’t feel that way.

  2. thanks for the very detailed response to my comment and my subsequent questions. was actually wondering if any of my questions had anything to do with the post to begin with and it seems they did. there are a few more questions and what I see as slight concerns I do have that I neglected to put in my preveious comment. Firstly I heard that if one is going to consider having sex with a woman who is a vergin the first intercourse will hurt and to me causing pain to anybody would mautify me no end and I probably feel as though I’d put my partner’s welfare first second, the whole issue of balance i.e. if I was on top of my partner considering I’m not all that physically fit which is a concern I will expand on shortly I do worry that being that I’m a little heavy as far as weight is concerned and if my partner was small I wouldn’t want to crush her. 3rdly and finally, I’ve been asking people for a while whether good physical fitness is necessary when it comes to having sex as I’ve never really been physically fit and I’ve had abdominal surgery 3 times over the past 18 years and with the first surgery I suffered some nerve damage and I couldn’t exactly stand up from sitting on the floor without having to reach out and hold onto something to pull myself upright where as I used to manage this before my first surgery maybe I’m worrying about the little things or whether I’m just worrying period I’d rather try and see what I could do to work around these things

    • People do say that a lot. It seems to be true for some people but not for everyone. I don’t believe that most women actually experience pain the first time. It’s not normal. It’s a symptom of sexual dysfunction (which is too common these days — and has its roots in the society shaming women’s sexuality).

      Sex is more likely to be painful if the woman is fearful, And first sex can be kind of scary. Take a look at this article on minimizing the likelihood of pain:

      On your other question, Many men keep from crushing their partners by holding their bodies up with their elbows/forearms. Or you can do woman on top, or do it from the side, or standing, or “doggy style.”

      Women are more likely to orgasm from outercourse then intercourse, as I mentioned before. You might also want to take a look at this (ED isn’t your problem but men who don’t have ED can learn from this article, too): ED: The Best Thing to Happen to Intimacy

  3. a few questions here while I comment. firstly, continuing on from my comment on pleasure I’ve never really been in a relationship in my life to know what makes a woman happy etc I met a friend 3 years ago who asked me to consider being in a relationship with her. I did think about it but was reluctant to commit at the time and normally when you can’t see body language or facial expression one has to adapt and if consent is given expressly one can explore without too many issues but whilst on the issue of consent, I’m all for people being honest about giving consent and meaning it because if there is somebody else around who can see facial expression and/or body language that person isn’t exactly going to say they’re uncomfortable with something when they may have given consent so as not to upset or disappoint me. I know I’m rambling a bit but my way of knowing if a woman is attractive is often by their voice when someone says a woman’s attractive and they can see visually, I just take their word for it and that’s all I can really do. The friend I mentioned above although I didn’t name names said to me once that if I cum too early when it comes to sex it’s all over but because I’ve never had sex in my life how does one know how their performance in bed is going to be when they’ve never actually been there suppose it’s hard to know you’re not going to know until the time comes maybe I’m just too self-conscious but changing this is often easier said than done maybe my questions and what I’ve just said has absolutely nothing to do with this post but I have to start somewhere

    • When you’re new to sexuality it’s commonly awkward. That’s just life. Everyone has to go through that awkward opening stage. And there’s no one-size-fits-all even if you have more experience. I’d recommend telling your partner that you’d like to have open, honest communication about what she enjoys and what feels good, and explore together. Tell her how much you enjoy giving her pleasure. She can use words, sounds (mmmmm, I like that), or whatever she most prefers to clue you in on her enjoyment. Don’t ask her if she “came,” because that can create anxiety and pressure to come. When she does you will know it. And at best, women come only about half the time, and often need a vibrator when they do. When they are younger they are even less likely to climax because they often don’t know their bodies that well, themselves. And neither do their partners. And: Women are much more likely to climax from “outercourse” than intercourse. Just try to be in tune with what she’s feeling and feel into her pleasure.

  4. Totally agree with you on this. I don’t really think any sex is good or satisfying unless it is for both parties. If either partner feels they have to sacrifice their own enjoyment for that of their partner, something’s wrong. True for both men and women though I understand it is more likely the woman who finds herself in that position.

  5. I know men are told confidence is like the premium thing to attract women or sexy to women and one of the most universal things women find attractive. Women have different likes individually, but something that seems common across the board is a man who is confident, not cocky, but confident or something men share who attract women is confidence. But I believe while it’s not as important to attract a man,

    I think confidence is really important for men toward women too and women don’t realize how much sex appeal they have when they are confident and therefore passionate and enjoying themselves. Just like this woman is an example. I’ve seen it from women in everyday life who could be otherwise average, but they draw men’s attention and found as so sexy and as much as the “hot women”. Because of how they carry themselves, like this magnetism, this allure in their presence. Like they exude sexuality if that makes sense. And I don’t mean wearing something reveling or have to, but just this aura. Like you see she owns the space and she’s knows her worthy and knows she’s sexy and you just get this feeling she’ll rock your world. It’s hard to be there, but yeah, if women became more confident and delved into their own sex goddess, I think they would realize how despite their supposed body imperfections, they are or can be as appealing as the models in magazines.

  6. That self-enjoyment is a key part of the intimacy because it really puts a woman in her body and present for connection. Then, of course, there is the power of pleasure that can be an aphrodisiac to both involved.

  7. Thank You!!! I think we should focus more on telling women it’s ok to focus on their pleasure and understand what pleases them.

    If you don’t know what brings you pleasure, how can you expect the other person to know.

  8. Sex is soooo much better when the woman wants it and when it’s done the way the woman wants it. If my wife just wants to cuddle, we cuddle… When she wants more, we do more… It’s so much better… Maybe there’s less frequency, but much better quality!

    • I saw some sex research which found that yes indeed, couples who went for quality over quantity were more satisfied. Thanks for sharing about that with your experience.

    • Cuddling is not sex. It is a form of intimacy. But, it is not sex.

      There is good better, and best. Right now my girlfriend and I have the BEST. We have great quality AND frequency. This is what matters most to each of us.

      I have zero interest in low frequency, period. Regardless of the quality. Not interested. Total turn off to me. Neither is she interested in that type of sex style. Maybe it is because we both were once in sexless marriages.

      We do cuddle and share other intimate non sexual moments together. But, low frequency is totally out for us.

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