I Look Sexy, But I Don’t Feel Pleasure
I recently talked about “spectatoring” — watching yourself have sex instead of enjoying pleasure.
After surveying my women students I learned that three-quarters spent at least some of their time in bed distracted by how they looked. Most worried that they weren’t “hot” enough. And most also said that their concerns harmed their sexual experience to some degree.
But some women did think they were attractive. In fact, when I surveyed students about the last time they had sex, one young woman replied, “I think I looked pretty good.”
She was talking about how she looked, not how she felt. As if sex, itself, were all about how you look for someone else’s pleasure, and not how you feel for yourself. In fact, when my students talk about “being sexual” they are sometimes actually talking about looking sexy. And if you Google a synonym for “sexual” the word “voluptuous” pops up. But “voluptuous” is a look, not a behavior or a feeling.
This fits with a concern that women can end up eroticizing male sexual pleasure as if it were their own. If “he” is turned on by how “she” looks, then she is being sexual — even if she’s not the least bit aroused.
Distracted, trying to look good
On the other hand, trying to look attractive may simply be distracting, as these women explain:
It’s more stressful because you’re consumed by your appearance instead of your enjoyment. Trying to be perfect is very distracting.
All I can focus on is how I look instead of the romantic connection. I’ll constantly position myself to look more appealing. So I can’t focus on my pleasure because I’m worried about what he’s thinking. (When in reality he probably doesn’t even notice.)
In the best case these young women may be enjoying themselves, and how terrific they look. They may gain a self-esteem boost as they relish their “hotness.”
But they’re not actually enjoying sex.
And when women are distracted, their partners are missing out on pleasure and connection, too.
Posted on April 22, 2019, in body image, objectification, psychology, sex and sexuality, women and tagged body image, objectification, psychology, self-objectification, sex, sexuality, women. Bookmark the permalink. 62 Comments.
I find this fascinating. I worry somewhat of how I look previous to when I am actually participating in the act but I am not fully focused on it. I don’t really worry about it because in the end, the guy I am with really doesn’t care about how I, himself, or we look. The act is already in motion so who cares how someone looks. Have you ever asked your partner if they are actually paying attention to how you look anymore? I know they are not paying much attention. This post was kind of sad in a way, that a lot of women don’t focus on their own pleasure but that of a man.
Socialization, cultural norms, and media play a large role in this phenomenon. Being aware that men are bombarded by images of what and who is sexy, one begins to believe this is the standard of sexy which leads to intimacy. Being able to separate fiction from reality is tough because we are not born knowing how to attract the guy we have a crush on. So we turn to the images we see as a guide. What is not shown on tv is, a guy is going to like you for you. He will want to be around you and show you love for who you are not how you look while being intimate. Men and women have their eyes closed for some or most of the sexual act. Men are just as emotional when it comes to picking a partner. If the relationship is purely physical then the mode of operations and standards are different. Men need to have a mental connection too if the relationship has any chance. This knowledge is only learned from experience.
Reading a blog like this is so eye-opening at least for my own experiences. It is impressive how that as a woman and I would think only about looking sexually attractive when it comes to my partner than thinking of the pleasure. I would personally go out of my way to be as “hot” while not thinking about do I feel sexual. Women seeking to be attracted to their significant other is related to how beauty standard is a place to make them feel desirable and wanted by them. The seeking for sexual attraction from males comes from the ideology that women should always be desirable for them. Also, pleasing the male because they were naturally born to be sexualized. Women are affected by the fantasy and old custom of a male ideology of beauty standard that has been enforced that it unintentionally harms their esteem, sexuality, and them physically
It’s interesting to have this brought to our attention and see how common it is. Women so often behave this way without realizing it. Because of the way we are socialized.
When I read this article. I think that women and men should to enjoy sex together. Maybe some women think they are attractive in her body. So, she likes to watch her body. But when she watched her body and said that “ I looked pretty good” it’s distracted with sex . She did not enjoy it with him. Most women and men are curious when they enjoy it with sex. Women and men usually have different reactions with sex.
Maybe different ages have different feelings with sex. In my image, women usually like pretty bodies when they have sex. But men have different feeling with sex. Men usually enjoy the feeling and feel body strong with sex. Also, different countries have different opinions. For example, West country people are open mind with sex. But East country people are traditional conservative culture with sex. Finally, I wish everybody looks sexy and happy every day.
When I read about this article it made me think about how women are hypnotized into believing that they are supposed to look a certain way and this reminded me of a few people that I know. Many girls in this generation only care about their “Looks” and feel that they will only get a boyfriend if they look a certain way. They believe that men only want to be with someone who looks “Good”. in my opinion, the social media has caused women believe that they are supposed to look. Whenever you see influencers, you see that they’re skinny, tall, long hair, makeup, showing skin. When someone who does not have those things start to feel insecure which can cause depression and isolation from others. So whenever women are going to have sexual intercourse with a man they are usually just focusing on how they look at the moment because they feel like if they do not look good the man doesn’t want to do anything with them. Women need to realize that they don’t have to look a certain way in order to feel pleasure or find self value.
Why do women feel we must look a certain way to be accepted and liked?
Even me, I remember gaining weight and wanted to always turn off the lights during intimate moments as I didn’t want my partner to see me, I spent most of the time feeling uncomfortable and not enjoying the moment as we should because I was worried about what the other he would think of me.
One day my partner told me how sexy he thought I was to him and that made me feel comfortable and made me re- think my insecurities realizing well, I look at a celebrities in bikinis at least twice a day because that’s what comes up in my feed, seems there always a celebrity on vacation of course unconsciously comparing my body to theirs made me feel insecure about the way a looked. Although I know pictures have been touch up with Photoshop, and they usually have perfect lighting all of that knowledge didn’t play in my mind at the moment of intimacy but the insecurity did as they were embedded in me, The new generation has so many social issues I didn’t have to face with technology and visuals of perfect bodies that aren’t perfect, they are just a marketing schemed to make women in particular insecure about what natural beauty is.
Negative Subliminal messages our in our faces daily and most of us don’t even notice how infected our brains are getting with these messages.
What helps is cleaning out unwanted gossip and trashy social media pages that if you think about it are worthless, its time to clean our feeds up trust me it makes a huge difference.
Discovering your sexuality as a young woman is tricky. When you’re younger you are so concerned with how you look and how boys will see you. You then realize the prettier you look the more attention from men you will get so that then becomes your main concern. Once it turns sexual it’s hard to get out of your own head about how you look because that’s what got his attention in the first place. It really goes back to the way society places pressure on women to always look pretty, thin, and essentially perfect all the time including during sex.
Which is not the reality. There is way less pressure on men about their looks which is why they are not concerned with the way they look during sex. Media also always portrays women as submissive so our needs come last including in the bedroom. Sex should be fun for both parties and I think men can do a better job of comforting their partners so that they can be less concerned about the way they look and focus on how they feel.
I think you bring up a good point in this entry, however I can’t help but feel a little sad for the women you surveyed. I think it is a lonely feeling not to have self confidence in yourself specially during such an intimate moment as when having sex with someone, even more so when you’re making love to the special person in your life. I in your survey, was there a distinction between making love to someone verses just having sex with someone? I feel like some of your answers might change if you worded your question differently. Of course, in today’s age with porn only a few clicks away, everyone becomes more self-conscious about their bodies during sex, but I don’t think that goes into play when you are making love with someone you feel every bit comfortable and in love with. Just my two cents.
I had a discussion in class afterwards and the women said that it did make a difference if you were with someone that you loved and felt secure with. Then they didn’t get so preoccupied with their luxe. And they did seem to need to both love and feel secure with your partner, And those two things didn’t always go hand-in-hand.
As a culture we put so much pressure on women to fit certain cultural ideals, which are largely impossible, and focus so much on women’s bodies compared with men’s, that a lot of women, consciously or not, become quite self-conscious.
In this day in age, porn is not limited to pornographic site and magazines, but it is teased on television and even in explicit books. As a woman myself, being bombarded with images of toned, fit, and “sexy” women advertising undergarments from Victoria’s Secret or an actress seducing a male on television in a movie with lingerie I feel like I too need to look the part. In order for me to feel sexy I need to look sexy. Or at least that is what society is telling me with advertisements, movies, and the expectations from men who fall prey to these traps. With all this outside pressure to look a certain way during sex it explains why many sexual relationships are not thriving. Couples have lost sight of what sex is intended for. Ultimately, sex should be a shared experience of pleasure, but instead it is another attempt at body shaming women to market sexy lace lingerie.
Thanks for sharing about your experience with this problem.
I think that the porn industry plays a huge role in why women are more concerned with how they look while having sex and not actually enjoying it. A lot of the time we see that men are turned on by how attractive they think a woman is and in porn, the women are made to look sexy. They never seem to do anything that might be considered unattractive, they never even seem to sweat either. Women who are not in porn see this and compare themselves. We think that we have to look perfect instead of enjoying the pleasure. If you are constantly worried about how you look than what is the point of having sex. It should be about intimacy and pleasure. People can get distracted thinking about other things, work, school and not be fully in the moment which can result in a negative experience for both parties, and it is unfortunate that women feel like they have to look a certain way in order to feel sexy.
This is very true. As a women ur more worried about how people see you especially a significant other you always want to please them and look good for them. Not only are you worried about what others see its also about self confidence. Boys do not worry or care about the small things especially when it comes to being sexy. They’re simple and only have one thing on their mind we just overthink as women. Also when it comes to pleasing a guy most of the time were gonna put how the guy is feeling first I don’t know why but we do even tho we should be putting ourselves first to get just much pleasure out of it as they are.
I think porn has a big influence on how us as women we perceive ourselves and how maybe a men would perceive us too. I think because they already have this fantasy when they were little how a ‘Sexy’ would look like and what is ‘hot’. Sometimes I think as women we feel that it’s about making sure we look good for our partner rather than ourselves. I think also some women feel if they satisfy their partner maybe they won’t cheat or leave them and now I think thats when sex becomes a need for survival in the relationship. I believe if two people are comfortable enough in expressing what they want it and what turn them on they would benefit both satisfaction, but both partners need to make sure they want the other person to satisfy them and comfortable enough to talk what does or does’t satisfy their needs.
I feel that the culture and society have a huge influence on how women see themselves. In this culture, women are depicted in all sorts of media to be slim and sexy. This depiction causes women to believe that the ideal woman should be as slim and sexy. However, in reality, these women are fake and photoshopped. This country and culture also focuses more on the men’s happiness and pleasure rather than the women. Women are depicted to be bonded and being played with for the men’s pleasure. They focus more on the men having fun and being controlling instead of the women. Women are used to being judged and seen as an object and have been raised to see it as acceptable because it has not been stopped. Therefore, they would focus more on their looks than how they are actually feeling because that’s how they were raised in the culture.
At the beginning of this blog, I thought it was very young, inexperienced women to think it’s all about the exterior and the pleasure of the partner. Then I read how it was geared to younger women. My opinion shifted as it’s not about age, but about self worth, self esteem and even cultural. Self worth – Regardless of age you have to grow into sexuality. You must understand there is a difference in wanting to look sexy to turn on your man for your own pleasure “with” him than to solely focus and position as the author stated yourself, sort of pushing one’s needs completely aside to pleasure the needs of the man your with. Self Esteem- No matter what Cosmo, Media, Instagram or friends say, your esteem of how you look with the extra freshman 15 lbs, or post baby weight you still should find something you like about yourself to make YOU sexy. Cultural- Some women are raised to believe that the mans’ sex is more important. That women are just meant to be here for his pleasure. The “never” say no to him as he’ll look to another woman. Keep yourself up to keep him interested or the ultimate, you got him being sexy, you’ve got to keep him by being sexy. Ultimately, it is our decision to own who we are, put our pleasure first or at the very least even.
As women, our looks have always been something that we had in mind. That doesn’t mean that every woman cares about the way that they look but have some thought in it. So when it comes to something very personal, like sex, we mostly worry about the way that we look instead of actually worrying about the pleasure, which is what sex is all about. Media plays a huge role in that as well. We see pictures of a woman being “sexy” and assume that’s how we should be when we’re having sex with someone. We watch movies where a woman is having sex and assume that’s how we’re supposed to react when we’re having sex but that’s not true either. We are our own people who look and react in different ways so focusing on the way we look shouldn’t be the focus while having sex. The world doesn’t revolve around men and their pleasures, a woman deserves as much of it as well and focusing on our appearance is nothing to be worrying about. Like the blog says, “I’m worried about what he’s thinking. (When in reality he probably doesn’t even notice.)”.
The first thing that came to mind when reading this article was the influence of social media. While Instagram and similar apps did not create the issue of self-consciousness it certainly offers it willingly. Comparing yourself to another person is never a good idea but its especially unhealthy if you’re staring at photo-shopped and/or surgically altered celebrities.I think it’s easy to immediately dive into the “im not good enough” mentality is because its been ingrained in women from a young age. Every magazine I saw as a teen was “100 ways to please a man”, “how to lose 10 lbs in 10 days”, or “makeup tips for sexy eyes”, etc. It was extremely focused on a woman’s external characteristics and how she could use those to catch or please another being instead of focusing on herself in a positive manner; which is why I can understand how common it is for women to feel insecure in bed.
What’s more, women often don’t even realize they’re doing this. The first step is to realize and consider thinking differently. The next step is to have conversations about this in our society.
After reading the posting, I realized that I had also been thinking of being sexual as a look instead of the way someone feels. Although the difference doesn’t seem all that great when looking at it from far away, it becomes a bigger topic once we see how it affects the way women feel about themselves and what they will sacrifice in order to seem like the “perfect” version of what a man wants. The issue with relating being sexual to being a look is that it is usually associated with women. Women have to keep up an appearance that pleases men in order to be accepted, but when they are “too sexual,” they are criticized for it as well. Since this is usually associated with women, they have to sacrifice their own sexual pleasure and feeling of intimacy in bed in order to fulfill a man’s fantasy even if this means their effort goes unnoticed and they get nothing out of it.
Focusing on the other partner’s satisfaction, especially in the case of women trying to look sexier for a man’s pleasure, points to a deeper issue within being women and even simply being human. Outside of sexual context, we seek constant validation. We want to feel loved and appreciated by others, we want to feel welcome into our society. Nobody likes to be in the outr-group, even if this means participating in activities or behaviors they themselves might not be interested in.
In regards to women trying to look sexy, it is especially sad to see these outcomes of sex being a one-way street for a man’s pleasure, when the biggest component of sex is forming a deeply intimate and romantic bond with one’s partner. I hope that mature couples can see past this societal norm and look simply at their partner as their partner, and over time society sees sex not as a way for a woman to please a man but a way for both partners to feel closer with one another.
Upon reading this blog entry, I immediately thought of how society puts an emphasis on appearance to the point of which appearance often is a factor of value, particularly for women, who typically have higher standards held for them when it comes to how they look. Then, I thought about how women may be focusing on looking attractive and conveying a sexual appearance as determined by often the masculine, hetero-normative eye, and that it may be that because this is ultimately a more superficial aspect of pleasure, it may 1. Not be bringing them actual pleasure to look good and 2. Looks in society these days often have to do with the viewer, and because the overall societal focus is still on cisgendered male-centric wants and needs it is focused on their wants, not womens’, and thus it makes sense why they are recognizing that over if they are actually experiencing their own sexual pleasure, which would mean they would have to not only validate that they can experience it but also recognizing (in stating whether or not they experience sexual pleasure), that they should be able to and deserve to experience that just as much as anyone else. The fact that often it is perceived as selfish, a truly fulfilling sexual experience requires all parties to be satisfied and feel pleasure; in a sexual experience all parties should be given the space to acknowledge and ask for their needs to be met.
As a man, I believe that the feeling of wanting the other partner to enjoy sex is a two way street as I understand that many women could feel that way as a lot of social pressure is placed on them to look and act a certain way. However, that goes for men too. There are a lot of men who get nervous and stressed about their performance and if they are able to pleasure their partner. The feeling of wanting to look good and be able to make the other enjoy sex is a mutual feeling for both parties involved and it is a shame that often times couples aren’t able to enjoy something that should be fun and emotionally bonding to its fullest. Therefore, I believe that men and women should be more open to their partners about how they feel and what they are nervous or anxious about so they can be able to support each other and grow as a couple as well as individuals. By being more understanding and discussing their feelings, I think that sex can be more enjoyable and allow them to deepen their emotional and romantic connection to each other.
Coming from the male perspective, it is frustrating to see women having this as such a huge concern. I’ve met enough guys who feel it natural to expect a woman to do everything in her power to appear and act pleasing only to him. And it is unbelievably disheartening to know how that type of mindset negatively affects the women he interacts with. In my previous relationship, it was a two way street between myself and my girlfriend to express and talk about our personal insecurities in order for both of us to be naturally comfortable around each other. We found that a method such as that led to the best and most natural forms of “sexual appeal”. To me I don’t know anything more attractive than a woman comfortable and confident in her own skin, acting like her true self. I wish more men and women could see my perspective as it would benefit both sides and create better relationships between people.
And root problem is a culture that sends these messages so that it gets into the unconscious of both women and men, who act without consciously realizing the cause or the harm.
I have faced many of these same struggles, trying to look good in the eyes of others. Feeling as though my worth or my looks where the only thing that someone would like about me. But after dating for a while and then looking back sex wasn’t always the goal or the reason someone was attracted to me. I have stayed friends with people I have gone on dates with even though we may not have worked out but that mostly being due to the fact that we believe we are too young to focus on long term relationships especially in college. But if the connection between romantic partners was only about how one looked then the friendship wouldn’t have lasted. I found the idea that woman have this idea that to be sexy is to feel sexy as slightly outrageous since I have found myself saying that I feel sexy but not many others find me sexy. But I think this also come from years of living in cultures where woman were measured by there beauty and that therefore determined there worth. But as we reach into a new age woman this idea should hopefully disappear.
I can totally relate to being distracted with how I looked so much more than enjoying myself. I felt personally insecure in my own skin which made it that much harder to share with another person in fear of judgment. It’s hard not to compare yourself to other girls, I think the unrealistic culture expectations of boxing women in can have a really negative effect on self-perception. And now, unfortunately, social media plays an even bigger part of the problem, especially for younger girls. I personally don’t use social media much and try not to judge myself for eating what I want as long as I feel good about it. Using social media too much also distorts your perception of self, especially when people post just for likes. Since the internet will always be around I think it’s important for schools to teach about responsible internet use and celebrate individuality. Building confidence is crucial.
And it would help if our culture didn’t have such a narrow ideals.
After reading this article, It does not surprise me, that most women feel the most attractive when they “look” their best as opposed to when they “feel their best. It’s unfortunate that as women, we place more emphasis and time spent on how we look in order to please our male counterparts. Women are constantly being judged and scrutinized by their peers based upon their appearance and how they present themselves within society. I strongly believe that a lot of this contributes to the various advertisements found in magazines, commercials, TV shows, social media outlets, which we turn to, in order to follow trends and societal norms. Within our culture, we place a high value on things that appear to look nice. It’s this superficial notion, that if you have a pretty face, thin waist, nice clothes, and a luxury lifestyle, exude confidence, and have a lot of money, this is a standard to uphold and carry out within your life. However, this is completely false. The pressure of looking good and the “so-called” standard in which we have to live up to can be overwhelming. Women generally put their feelings and priorities aside to nurture and take care of others. I just think women have always had to overcome obstacles and this is just another example of something we should be more conscious of. It’s important to not only look our best but to feel our best when doing so.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
I have talked about this topic with my current girlfriend before, and we reached the conclusion that in order for both I and my partner to feel pleasure we should respect and communicate each other. I’m a man and I do not care my girlfriend’s appearance, on the contrary, my girlfriend said she unconsciously feels worried how she is seen by me. Also, she said that when she’s worried about something about her appearances she cannot feel pleasure. One day, we discussed whether both of us were satisfied with the situation where we were at that time. Then I realized that she sometimes felt little uncomfortable when she were distracted by the worries about her appearance. Since then, we have started communicating each other about our mood, worries, and so on to feel pleasure not uncomfortableness. Also, this conversation made me realized again and strongly that sex is not for only for one but for both of partners. Respect is the very important key to solve this problem.
I’m glad that your girlfriend was self-aware enough to notice and that you have a good enough relationship that she felt comfortable communicating with you and that you are supportive.
I very much agree , I feel like women are constantly under pressure to feel accepted by society and looking good is far more important than actually feeling good inside. Some women view that looking good is more more important than what they actually feel inside because of the pressure men put on women to always look good. In today’s age women are looking up to societal norms of what being “sexy” is by what they see on TV and magazines which is not what reality typically is for most girls. This is one of the main reasons why plastic surgery has become one of the industries that has become so popular amongst young women. Women look for recognition from men naturally like compliments that make them feel sexy and confident. While it is always nice to be complimented by another person we as women need to feel confident in ourselves because that is what is most important in the end.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this conundrum.
As sad as it is that this is an experience that so many have, I’m glad that I am not alone in this feeling of imperfection. I think that so many women feel pressured by society but, for me at least, I feel most pressured when I am in less control of how I look. When I wake up in the morning, go swimming, camping, or am just getting out of the shower I am in a situation where I have not had the chance to “fix myself up” or sometimes even look in a mirror. In situations like these where I have less control over how I look, and thus how I am perceived by other people, I feel the most vulnerable and uncomfortable with how I look and what people think of me. When it comes to being intimate with someone I think that these feelings and lack of confidence and control only grow stronger. There is so much pressure on women not only to look a certain way but to look that way doing anything and everything. You need to be thin but still, have an appetite. You have to be driven, fun, and energetic, but not so much so that it is considered unattractive by men. This struggle to attain the perfect balance of traits and achieve the ideal standard of beauty and attractiveness is an everlasting endeavor for women. As a result, even when we know we should be enjoying ourselves, or at least out of our own heads, it is often something that is hard to ignore. I feel like this is a situation that represents this struggle very well because not only are we unaware of how we look but it can feel as though a magnifying glass is being held to every one of our imperfections.
I was also relieved to find out that I’m not the only one who has experienced this.
It is sad to read the article and be reenforced that many women feel the need to look and act a certain way for their male partners. Sex should be fun for both parties, not just one! I understand wanting to look good and connecting looking good with feeling sexy, but I think the issue also comes down to which kinds of guys these women are having sex with. Casual or not, sex is an intimate experience, it is the closest you can get with someone. I think casual sex is best for those who love themselves 100%. Insecurity is the biggest bedroom killer, and being with the right person who makes you feel completely comfortable eliminates insecure feelings. Those who are already confident and full of self love are able to enjoy sex in a more casual manner because they normally do not focus on these aspects. If you are feeling insecure and unable to focus on the pleasurable parts of sex because you’re too busy focusing on how your long term partner is viewing you, I think it is time to find a new partner.
You know, it’s such an ingrained cultural thing that a lot of women don’t even realize that they are doing this. I must admit that I was shocked to realize that I had a history of doing this myself. And it had nothing to do with any of the partners I’ve had. It was something I had unconsciously internalized and did without even thinking about it. A recognition that you do this, and understanding the cultural reasons why, is the first step to stop this. Changing the culture would be much more effective than trying to work on it individually, case-by-case. The culture needs to stop putting so much pressure on women to have so-called perfect bodies.
First of all, I think people should have confidence, no matter men or women. In my mind, I always hear my male friends say “oh, I’m so handsome.”, but I always hear from a female friend say “look at me, I’m so ugly and fat.” I think that is the way they speak. Boys even they know that they are not good looking, they will say that they are handsome. Girls, even they are beautiful and thin they will say themselves are fat and ugly. I think people should be confidence. Especially women should be more confident. All the women should think they are the best in the world. Why you think you are not sexy enough when you are in bed. It is someone’s pleasure that they are having you. Never think that you are not good enough.
After reading this article, I found this to be shocking but at the same time I’m not surprised. When I was younger, and dating, I found that some of my partners were very self-conscience and only preferred to be intimate if the lights were off. Not even a little light, just pitch black. I certainly didn’t think having the lights off completely would enhance intimacy (which is what one partner said), but I found that my partners preferred the lights off because they wanted to not think about how they look and focus on how they feel during intimacy. I think in these days we may be getting better as we’re becoming more accepting of different body types and imperfections. As a man, my first instinct is to generally blame men for not appreciating other woman for who they naturally are, but I think it’s deeper than that. Take Instagram for example. I’m confident that 90% of the pictures posted by other influencers/models are fake or photoshopped to the point that it’s not realistic. It’s a sad truth, and something we should push away from in society.
Thanks for sharing about this. And men aren’t the problem, our culture is.
Yes, I relate to this article. Sometimes we as women care too much about what a man thinks about our appearance. We only feel validated if the man pays us attention. I think it definitely has to do with society putting unrealistic body goals on us female. I personally feel that because I am nowhere near the “socially acceptable” body type I cannot be sexual. If we don’t look like the models on TV we assume our male partner is going to be turned off by the appearance of our body. The whole idea of “if you don’t love yourself how can you except someone else to” comes to play in this scenario. Because we don’t love our body we assume the other person doesn’t either. Women who don’t love themselves and are unhappy with their image worry too much about how they look to even joy a sexual connection.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this.
In todays society I feel like there is a lot of pressure solely based on looks. I had not know that this is how most people had concerned themselves when laying in beca or even after sex. It is really interesting to read just how much someones time revolves around the way they look, something so pointless since everyones taste is difference and you shouldn’t have to make yourself look a particular way to be happy. I think that we as a society need to put less emphasis on how people look and focus more about other qualities a person have, if we continue to glorify certain people solely based on looks we will always see this way of thinking. I thought this was very interesting to read about so I had asked my sister and friends if this is how they thought, if they worked to look a certain way and they all said absolutely because they did not want to be judged by their peers which upset me.
I think that as time goes by it is getting very stressful to be a woman. There is so much editing in videos and images on social media like face book, snap chat, twitter, instagram that women compare themselves to this image that we see when we open up our devices. We start believing that we are the only ones with flaws and we over think everything. I am not surprised by this post because anywhere we go we subconsciously compare ourselves to others. I have done it myself at the gym where i know is a place where we go to better ourselves. We over think and some how put ourselves down.
Thank you for sharing your experience with this.
Great post, and fascinating because I think people generally are self-conscious and it is really sad if women feel stressed by appearance instead of enjoyment. Once nice thing about getting older and also being with someone for a longer period of time, we know perfect doesn’t exist and become very at ease with each other.
Yes, my students have also said that long-term relationships seem to cause us of a problem in this respect.
Well that is very interesting to have new information about what sexuality actually means. Women are too concerned about the way they look that they don’t feel the pleasure they are suppose to feel. But what they feel is joy for pleasuring someone else by looking good for them. Nowadays appearance is very important to women in our society which we see in magazines where models appear. In the topic of sexuality, women feel the need to show how good they look to please others and they feel the pleasure of that. Women need to learn that we aren’t the cause of men’s pleasure but we are the cause of our own pleasure. Learning how to pleasure ourselves will help us figure out the deeper meaning of sexuality. To me sexuality meant that you had to be sexy and feel sexy but now that I have read all of this and have reflected on what sexuality means to me now.
It can be surprising to realize how pressure women can put on themselves to look good, because we associate sexuality so much with women’s looks. But then it has to be ironic and opposite effect of blocking pleasure.
I found this blog post to be very interesting because I think that a lot of people can relate to it but I think that women find it most relatable. Sex can be such a vulnerable act that people are always concerned about how they look, sound, ect but in reality no one is paying attention to those things. I think that a lot of people would have a lot better experience if they just let themselves enjoy the moment instead of being preoccupied by other things. Most of the time a woman’s partner thinks they are “sexy” when they are having sex because that’s how the see them and part of the reason why the engage in the act of having sex. I also think that if a woman feels sexy and confident while having sex it can be so much more enjoyable for both parties because confidence adds a whole new level to sex.
Yep. It would be better for both women and men if we didn’t put so much pressure on women to look good so that they could focus on their pleasure instead of how they look. Which can be hard to do in this culture.
I think that women behaves naturally like that and just don’t realize when it becomes too much. Women are creatures that like having compliments from men in general. On the bed is pretty much the same thing. The compliment the man would have in that situation will just be this time: “the fact that he is turned on by the woman in front of him”. And women have an eye for that in certain positions. It eventually gets awkward when they realize that because that’s when they try start focusing on how they act. They stop having good sex at that moment.
Again, certain positions allow that distraction to happen because the partners are very close to each other.
Another factor that I think can explain that would be the lack of self confidence. Some might have physical faults, or something that always push them to look a mirror basically. Most of the time, when a girl is good looking, compliments on her beauty bothers her because she feels like that is the only think that she has that make her stand out. On the other way, a girl that doesn’t often receive compliments tends to search for that compliment through actions and words.
It’s not natural. You don’t find it in every culture. And while 2/3 of the women I surveyed said it could be a big problem it wasn’t a big problem for 1/3. We are all a mix of our personalities, social experiences, and culture, so you find cultural patterns and individual differences.
But it’s a big reason why nearly half of American women have low or no interest in sex. If you are worried about how you look then sex isn’t very fun, and then it gets tiresome. And women not enjoying sex is not good for women or men.
Being “sexy” or sexual has dramatically been altered due to societies norms, as well as how media has brained washed us humans to believe a certain type is sexy. In many instances in media you will see either a victoria secret motel or a man who has rick solid abs. Media has set the standard of what sexy looks, and makes individuals insecure because they do not fell like they fit the standard. Therefore people will have that thought at the back of their minds and will draw their focus. Each individual fights their own battles of insecurity, and in this example women think more about how sexy they look, than about the pleasure they are receiving. Not allowing the experience to be unforgettable. But reminded about the standard society and media has installed into our brains. At the end of the day, women should not worry if they look sexy or sexual, i am 100% sure that their significant others will not mind.
I think you are right in most instances. Women feel tremendous pressure to look good in bed because of how they are bombarded by sexy woman images in our society. But most men – particularly, the good ones I think you are right in most instances. Women feel tremendous pressure to look good in bed because of how they are bombarded by sexy woman images in our society. But most men – particularly, the good ones — won’t care. They will just want their lady to be loving the love.
Some think looks have very little to do with a person’s sexiness; it’s more about attitude.
That’s a good thing to know, but a lot of people don’t. Thanks!
It’s called being female. My most recent girlfriend, when I’m at work I see notifications on Facebook and she’s at home making selfies and uploading to Facebook. Every time she has a shower and gets out the hair dryer she live streams drying her hair. Every time we got in the car she is starting to make selfies for upload. If we go to some amazing new place or location, I can’t tell if she actually cares or not, because she’s busy making selfies and posing this way or that way. Even just walking down to the shops she has to stop 2 or 3 times to make a selfie under a tree, or outside the shops or whatever. Is there any man who exhibits this behavior? Not that I’ve ever witnessed. Women are born to be forever thinking about how they look, and men are born to be always looking. That’s how it is. You can say it’s bad or whatever, but in some perverse way, this is biological reality that makes us happy. So women when having sex are thinking about how they look. If it were not so, they wouldn’t be happy at all. They’d be making selfies in the back garden instead.
Well it isn’t about being female. It’s about being socialized to be female in our culture. Some women learn to stop doing this. And some women simply don’t do it. But it’s very harmful for women sexuality because they aren’t enjoying themselves and it is a big part of the reason why nearly half of American women have no or low interest in sex. And that’s not good for men, either.