Want “X” From Sex? So Why Do “Y”?
What do people want from sex? Most want pleasure and closeness. But they don’t act like it.
Instead, they’re preoccupied with how they look, what their partner is thinking, how they’re performing, and what is “normal.”
That’s what Dr. Marty Klein, a certified sex therapist and sociologist, says in his book, Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex and How to Get It.
Maybe because of fashion magazines, or porn, or because we see “good sex” as the sex of our 20s, we conclude that great sex is looking like 20-year-old “perfectly” built porn stars, and doing what 20-year-old “perfectly” built porn stars do.
Since most women are insecure about their bodies, plenty end up distracted with worries about how they look: “Am I too fat? Are my breasts too small, too lopsided, too droopy? Do I have cellulite?” Or, some think they look great, and are distracted by visions of how hot they look in different poses. Or, they try to act like porn stars. Or they worry that they’re not living up to porn standards.
Instead of having close, pleasurable sex.
Men generally don’t fret about not looking like Ryan Reynolds. But they may worry about penis size. And they may notice that neither they nor their partners look like porn stars. Or they might feel cheated because they aren’t acting like porn stars. Or they might conjure up images of porn stars in their heads, instead of really being with their ladies. Or, maybe they just wish their bodies could do what they used to.
Distractions. Not good sex.
To perk things up, we might read up on new positions or techniques.
But Dr. Klein says the key is mind, not matter. You can’t have great sex with all the distractions. So clear out the baggage. He says:
You’d be foolish to craft a definition of sexy or manly or womanly that excludes you (or your partner).
Meanwhile, the media portrays orgasm as the most important thing, yet “focusing on those few seconds misses most of what sex offers,” he adds. Actually, feeling good with your partner is the big payoff. So work to create lasting physical and emotional connection.
And let go of worries about what’s ‘normal,’ because that takes us out of authenticity. Instead, embrace your body as it is – how it looks, what it can do — because that frees you up to be present and to move “from ‘sex has to validate me’ to ‘I validate my sexuality.’”
Posted on June 23, 2014, in body image, men, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged body image, men, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexual dysfunction, women. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.