Sexy Women Make Men Feel Bad About Themselves

Brooklyn Decker

By “Bob”

Sexy models like Brooklyn Decker can make women to feel bad about themselves when women feel like they don’t measure up.

But men can feel bad about themselves when they look at Brooklyn, too.

Yep, that’s what research at the University of Missouri, Columbia says.

Why? Because these sexy women make men question their own lack of body tantalizingness. “Ahhh, she’d never go for me!”

Sexy women have a worse effect on men’s body image than seeing a handsome, fit man in an ad.

So it turns out that “sexy women” images negatively affect almost everyone.

I wonder if women can look at “hot” men without their own feeling of hotness being negatively affected? “I don’t think I’m hot enough to get him — and now I feel bad about myself.”

I’m guessing that women are less likely to respond negatively.

In fact, I’ll bet that women are more likely to feel inadequate compared to an image of a sexy woman than to a sexy man.

I’m wondering if other people think that is true? And if so, why?

This was posted in a comment by one of my readers — which I thought brought up a good question.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on June 4, 2018, in body image, men and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 146 Comments.

  1. I agree with your statement that men feel bad about themselves when they see pretty women. I feel like we feel bad because if we’re lucky enough to date a pretty girl, negative comments will come with it. Such as “she’s probably only dating him because he has money” or “she just uses him to get to places”. Personally, I like to chase after people who’re a bit out of my league. I try not to think negatively and use pretty girls as encouragement to get myself together. I try to workout, dress better and be more sociable. I don’t want people to think that I just got lucky with getting a girlfriend and want to be on their league. So that people will think “they’re a good match”. I wonder if it’s the same way for women who get hot boyfriends? Would they feel bad for dating hot guys?

  2. It’s funny, I would have never thought men thought this way about looking at women’s bodies. This is something that is not talked about often is men and their own body issues. For women on the other hand it is something that is talked about often when they look at an image of a Victoria’s Secret model and they look incredible, we as women feel bad about our bodies. For me personally when I see someone who I am interested in and know is a bit out of my league, I do feel a bit bad about my look but at the same time I try not to let it affect how I go about things.

  3. For so long women have been held to keep a certain look for both faces and their body image. It is weird to think that when looking at “sexy” women, many of us women tend to feel a certain way and put ourselves down. I can relate to that because of the fact that I have been there and I have experienced that. Although I do try my best to think positive, it always comes down to negative thoughts. This is a problem among both women and men because we are left with a feeling of not being good enough which then affects our own ego. When a woman comes across another “sexy” woman, there is a higher chance of competition than that compared to a man. On the other hand, when a man and a woman come across each other, the woman might be the one to feel better about herself. It is indeed very rare the way things work, but feeling a certain way when coming across the same gender is almost natural. In addition, if a man lacks self confidence, this only makes it worse because it makes them think that they are not good enough like I have mentioned previously.

  4. I know that women have a lot of pressure on body image, and I have heard a lot about it, and I know that it is a very serious problem. However, I have sometimes felt guilt about this specific issue, because while seeing images of men have made me feel bad about how I look compared to them, I also feel guilty because I feel as if for some reason when I see images of very attractive women, I often feel that I wouldn’t be good enough. I feel as if I’m not good enough because my body image is very different than what I’m seeing be pushed out as attractive. Like you said, it makes me think that sometimes I’m not up to standards, or that I am inadequate compared to what should be expected.
    I also find that this problem is not as well known or talked about, so I feel guilty about that as well, because I feel like it would be deemed as not an actual issue. But for me, seeing men or women with seemingly perfect body image, causes me to look down on myself that I am not attractive enough, or up to beauty standards.

    • Thanks for your input on this. It’s true that men are increasingly developing poor body image, too. Unfortunately this is one area where equal opportunity is increasingly becoming achieved. I just wish that the equal opportunity were going the other way where neither man nor women were judged harshly.

  5. What do you think of this. Seems like a female blogger has noticed what you have about women being sexy and the pressure women face, but at same time how goes can be or feel unnoticed. Interesting what she brought up like this

    “But there’s another element to the “women are the sexual objects” bullshit that doesn’t get much airtime and it’s one that pisses me off royally. Whenever I try to tell my boyfriend that he’s sexually attractive, he gets legitimately confused. It’s rare for men to be called sexy unless they’re movie stars. When your average man dresses up or tries to shake his booty, people laugh or shrug it off or say “you clean up good,” as if that’s all the validation that men need when they’re trying to present themselves nicely.”

    “Men are more afraid of looking at their own bodies, being open to different sexual things, or seeing sex as a mutually pleasurable experience that they can approach in a variety of ways because they can’t conceive of their bodies as something sexy or interesting or attractive, but rather as a tool or instrument for doing things.”

    I do believe that coming from my male perspective. Just like women feel pressure to be sexy during sex, because they are sexy and sex objects in the relation. Since men aren’t the sexy sex though, it does seem that sex for many guys is “cock centric” mean that pleasure and everything is solely rooted from that and it’s meaning. But pleasure and like a man seeing his own body as desirable or sexy or approaching it from a variety of ways can be or seem foreign to many guys. Because to do so is to see one’s own body an object of lust or sexy enough to immerse in that potential. So just like women feel pressure in one way, I do feel guy’s can limit the potential or sex just like we talked about men putting themselves or feeling pressure of society putting men in straight boxes as far as submission goes. I think as a result men more often only see their sexual use for a woman as basically a fuck tool. His job and use is to please her, and that’s what his body brings to the table. No wonder guy’s at some point probably have had performance anxiety issues. It’s because if your body or you feel your body doesn’t bring much to the table aesthetically or just appeal itself, which guy’s aren’t used to thinking or feeling. Then it’s mainly on your sex skills and fucking ability.

    • I may have mentioned that I read a comment by one man saying that he sometimes dress in drag – like a woman – because he wants to feel sexy and he wants other people to see him and sexy and tell him (her) that he/she is sexy.

      A number of men on my blog have complained that women don’t see them as sexy. Some are surprised to find out that they don’t. At least not in the same way that men find women sexy. And a lot of women feel like they don’t look as sexy as they are supposed to. So most people seem to be hurt by only do you mean one sex sexy, and making too much of it when they are – that’s the entire way they are saying and defined.

      I think another reason why men see their job as pleasing the woman is because women’s sexuality is more repressed so it takes more to get women aroused and sexually satisfied. Plus women’s bodies are just more different from each other. Man’s bodies basically just need friction. Women generally have to discover what works for them. And of course they are much less likely to be aroused by looking at a man’s body – getting back to your original point.

  6. Laura Trujillo

    A man might feel bad about himself when he’s sees a sexy women because he probably lacks self confidence and doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. He’d probably try working out and work on ways to be good enough for that sexy women. Also I women might feel like she’s in competion when she runs into a sexy women. But when it comes to a women seeing a hot man, there’s not need for her self confidence to be ruined. It’s just another pretty face, and she doesn’t feel like she’s in competion. There’s also a study that shows that sexy women prefer a less attractive man. When sexy women marry a man just as attractive as she is the marriage doesn’t last long. The sexy women might feel like dating a not so hot man won’t lead her to have any insecurities. She might think that his partner won’t be unfaithful and it’ll be hard for him to find a sexy women like herself. When a women does marry a hot man she carry’s way more insecurities. She’s always thinking about other sexy women looking at her man and is worried about the man cheating on her.

  7. “Some research has looked at whether women and men are more attracted to face or body.

    When presented with the possibility of having a one night stand half of men cared most about body and the other half cared most about face. For a long term relationship 3/4 of men preferred face and 1/4 cared most about body. (And that doesn’t mean that the woman had to have a beautiful face, as another research project showed. But the face seem to reveal something about the character.)

    With women it was all about the face.”

    Well it makes sense for the face to matter a ton for men. I mean yes the character and emotion that comes from the face or looking into someone’s eyes. But also, like I have to want to kiss a woman or her face attractive to where I’d want to kiss for me to think of wanting sex, so the body doesn’t matter much if I’m not drawn to the woman’s face in some way. And don’t forget the face is obviously a very big visual, physical difference between the sexes too. Obviously men and women’s faces look quite different and structured differently. Not to mention facial hair with I and men.

    Which is interesting why women are visually sex specific with male faces they find pleasing sexually but women’s faces sexually pleasing. But be finding women’s bodies arousing in porn or an ad but not men’s or not such visual distinction between men and women’s bodies. Where they are drawn just to men’s bodies and not women’s and find men’s bodies arousing or lust worthy and could careless about women’s bodies or not pleasing at all sexually or simply some pretty women attractive in a pure admiration way. But don’t enjoy women’s bodies visually in a sexual way, because it’s not pleasing in that way because the male secondary sexual characteristics are only pleasing and said male face and body parts pleasing, not women’s because women are drawn to the opposite or theres. And as a reason why women’s bodies are not so sexually attractive. Men have quite that rigid distinction, because of biology.

    • Twin studies have suggested that humans are about half biological and half cultural. When it comes to sexuality women’s seems to be more fluid and they think that is tied to how high the sex drive is. Men’s sex drive tends to be high and strong and constant. That seems to leave them less open to cultural cues because their natural sex drive is constantly being reinforced by noticing attractive members of whatever snacks they are attracted to. Women are probably mostly physiologically attracted to men but their sex drive goes up and down, depending on where they are in the menstrual cycle. Which affects their hormone level. When hormones are low the sex drive isn’t strong and they are more likely to be influenced by cultural cues, which are almost always that women are the sexy ones. It’s a theory that fits the data.

      • Might be because of repression and women’s sex drive being up and down and not constantly strong like men as a reason. But I thought I saw studies too where women more likely to either be bisexual, bi curious or bi tendencies were women who happened to have higher or high sex drives. Like it awoke dormant tendencies and being so sexual caused even straight identified women to want to fool around with women or have or something like that.

      • I wonder if bisexual women have a higher sex drive partly because they are less sexually repressed and more in touch with sexuality generally. And if they are bisexual there would be more in the culture to constantly arouse them and feed their sex drive, encouraging it.

  8. I don’t know what you mean by being drawn to both women and men. I’m drawn to men. But I can see a woman and think she looks really hot but have no desire to sleep with her. And even though I can recognize that she looks really hot I’m not drawn to her.”

    My bad, I skimmed over fast and I saw drawn, and though you wrote drawn to both men and women. But you said drawn to men and not women, but going through it fast I thought you said both.

  9. Hey Bob, I’m guessing she’s not following the comments. But I think it’s because our society socializes us to see women as sexy but it doesn’t socialize us to semen as sexy. And women’s sexuality is more flexible as I wrote in this post:

    sorry I had to tease you too, since I noticed the first time but forgot to mention it. I don’t know if you did that on purpose as a pun or writing about men, you had a Freudian slip. Instead of it doesn’t socialize us to see men, you wrote socialize us to “semen” ha . Unintentional pun?

  10. Hey Bob, I’m guessing she’s not following the comments. But I think it’s because our society socializes us to see women as sexy but it doesn’t socialize us to semen as sexy. And women’s sexuality is more flexible as I wrote in this post:

    I would still feel if a woman is straight, she would still find men’s bodies sexually attractive, not a woman’s. When women say that though, there seems to show nothing that’s sex specific of her attraction. Like if a man is attractive to a woman or sexy, but women are also, like what’s the difference if a man’s body is not arousing just from seeing or lust worthy atleast? If a woman is attracted to a man because of his personality and all the other stuff. Doesn’t that mean women’s sexual orientation is really women are attracted to the “male gender” or masculine behavior and attributes than the actual physical genetics of a man? I thought you said gender many times can be social construct or over lap so not really inherent. I mean, granted feminity is important in my attraction and the female gender aspects. I’m not attracted to manly acting women or behavior and feminity is big. But still ultimately, it’s the face, the hair, the eyes, the body, the body parts, the vocal difference all that, the female sex and the characteristics I’m attracted to. Not only am I not attracted to the male physical stuff, but like it’s not attractive to me and interesting to see how women are attracted to that “non pretty, hairy form that is the male body.

    • All I can say is that I am drawn to men, can get very obsessed with a man I’m in love with (Have never done that with a woman), but I don’t find men’s bodies erotic, even though they are beautiful. And the culture doesn’t eroticize men’s bodies either. I can see how that could be hard for a guy to understand. It doesn’t even make any sense to me. And yet I am drawn to men and not women even though women’s bodies look sexier. But they look sexy without desire for them. And the culture teaches us that women’s bodies are the sexy, erotic ones. I can explain how I experience this but I can’t explain why — other than to note that my experience does mirror the culture which romanticizes male/female relationships, eroticizes the female body but not the male. So maybe that explains it, even if it doesn’t entirely make sense.

      • you are drawn to men and women? Like what makes you straight removing emotions aside? Like what makes you physically straight or women like that? Because thoughts of sex with a woman makes you queesy? You sure that’s not ingrained for you to feel that way? Shouldn’t the thought of sexually touching women’s breasts be repulsive or boring to you and striaght women? You said that didn’t see repulsive or unappealing. I still think women who aren’t repulsed by female body, simply don’t want to have sex with women because nothing draws them to it. But there’s no “barrier” from stopping women from doing something to where they can’t do it or last thing in the world they would do. Like that’s rigid heterosexuality to me. A straight dude having sex with a dude is like asking a dude to drink piss or swallow vomit or would probably rather do that than have sex with a dude. Or anything with a man’s chest, etc. You and women don’t feel that way about women as far as sex or like women’s breasts. I would think if a woman for example if straight the thought of sucking a woman’s nipples would be repulsive. Anything of the sort or thought for a straight man to another man is completely repulsive. It’s not simply, I have no interest or no desire, it’s yeah I’d rather drink piss than do that, strong reaction.

      • I don’t know what you mean by being drawn to both women and men. I’m drawn to men. But I can see a woman and think she looks really hot but have no desire to sleep with her. And even though I can recognize that she looks really hot I’m not drawn to her.

      • You said you are drawn to men. But how much is being drawn to the male gender and characteristics vs male body by itself? If women don’t lust at a man just based on the physical, does that mean it’s really the male gender, which coincides with the male body that women are truly turned on and attracted to? I know women are less visual than men or you feel conditioned that way, But women should still be visually attracted and lust just from a man’s body and not need to be attracted to his personality. Yes that would make sense for her to like the guy or love him or truly desire him. But personality is not sex specific. Gender can be flexible too.

        But what’s a clear cut, defined and why I tie to much to sexual orientation is the physical, biology. The secondary sexual characteristics physically, women’s breasts, vagina,facial features, less body hair, hips, pelvis, etc. Men’s musculature, denser bone structure facially and bodily, the jawline, brow ridge, facial and body hair, genitals, adam’s apple, I mean the chromosomes. Y is the very definitive chromosome for males. I mean it’s biology, so it would make sense for a rigidly straight person to actually be more cut and dry on the sexes physical features and attraction and sexual interest based more so on that because it’s the biggest male and female indicator you can have. You can have “feminine” acting men and butch dressed, and acting women right? But ultimately like I said, the femine acting man is still man and same for manly acting women is still a woman if they were born that way because it’s in the biology and the chromomes and secondary sexual characteristics go with that as well obviously sex specific genitals. And why for men those are such like attracters lust wise and feel complete opposite about men.

      • Some research has looked at whether women and men are more attracted to face or body.

        When presented with the possibility of having a one night stand half of men cared most about body and the other half cared most about face. For a long term relationship 3/4 of men preferred face and 1/4 cared most about body. (And that doesn’t mean that the woman had to have a beautiful face, as another research project showed. But the face seem to reveal something about the character.)

        With women it was all about the face.

        When presented with the possibility of having a one night stand half of men cared most about body and the other half carat most about face. For long term relationship 3/4 of men preferred faith and 1/4 carat most about body. (And that doesn’t mean that the woman had to have a beautiful face, as another research project showed. But the face seem to reveal something about the character.)

        With women it was all about the face.

        I’ll have to do some thinking about what that means. Do you have any thoughts?

  11. Men make women feel like they have to be beautiful and sexy and perfect, but then feel bad about themselves when women are beautiful and sexy and perfect? Because they feel like these women will never go for them? This seems like a bizarre contradiction in which we can never win. Chapter 5 of Women’s Choices, Women’s Realities talks about how the “human body is not merely flesh and bones, it is also constructed by our culture” and how “women’s bodies are disproportionately judged on physical appearance and objectified” which both are concepts we see explored in this study. Not only are women’s bodies being culturally controlled through the media, cosmetics, fashion, and fitness industries everyday by being told to look a certain way, but we are also still primarily seen as objects to be won and obtained. Most women feel bad about themselves most of their lives for not being good enough, yet these men feel bad about themselves, not because of pressures to look a certain way, but because they feel like they will never be able to date someone like Brooklyn Decker. Definitely not the same feelings of worthlessness and I don’t particularly feel bad for men feeling bad for themselves over standards they have perpetuated for decades.

    • Although I must add that individual men aren’t the original source of these unreasonable standards. Young men and women are both born into a culture with messed-up ideas and both women and men unconsciously internalize the standards and uphold them. The only way out is to help make people aware of what’s happened and the damage they do.

  12. Crystal Jauregui

    I believe it works both ways, men and women have the same reaction towards any attractive person regardless of sex. From my experiences I have felt in secured about myself after walking by both, a gorgeous man and a beautiful woman. I can’t help but to stare at any attractive women because their (we) beautiful creatures to stare at. Women are made of sexual body parts and have a gentle enticing look that make others feel uncomfortable. I have envied beautiful women in the past because of their bubbly booty, perky boob, and tight abs, but, also these same women have been motivation for me to go and work out. Gorgeous men also have made me feel intimidated and insured for many different reasons, they make disrespectful perverted comments, undress you with their eyes, and dismiss women’s intelligence. I think men almost never experience women belittling them or ignoring their intelligence, just like women don’t experience being unnoticed and drooled over when entering a room by men.

    • Are you straight? Why are men so specifically not sexy for you and straight women to only really enjoy looking at men? Like I can acknowledge or be impressed be a well built man, but a well built man is no comparison to an attractive woman. I could give a damn about men visually really, women are the sexy beautiful sex and why I and other straight men only care or enjoy looking at attractive women,

  13. Before I came to US last year, I was a soldier in Korea for 2 years. Once I stepped on the ground of the recruit training center, I became completely disconnected from the society. I couldn’t eat food that I used to eat outside, I couldn’t use computer or internet like I did everyday to communicate with people, or I couldn’t make a phone call to my loved ones until I successfully completed the 5 weeks recruit training to be a solder. Secluded like this, there was no chance to see a woman in the military base. Then, the standard of beauty for women downgraded for my army buddies and me. The only woman who we could see was a female noncommissioned officer. At first, she wasn’t attractive at all but as time passed by, my army buddies and I thought she was getting attractive. After I finished my 2-year military service duty, I looked back then. It was the law of supply and demand that made her attractive for a while because she was the only woman there surrounded by thousands of men.
    As many people already heard before, in the old days, the standard of beauty for women was being fat because they were so poor that it was thought to be a dream to eat food as much as they wanted. If we take a look at some archaeological sculptures like Venus, they don’t look attractive at all those days. So, again, it is about the law of supply and demand. When we need something and we know it’s hard or impossible to get it, we desire it and tend to easily give up and become unhappy.
    Affected by media, people nowadays already know what is being beautiful for women and what is being handsome for men. It’s hard to be skinny like the super model walking on a runway because we should cut back on food and do much more workout and it must be money-consuming as well to purchase all the latest clothes commercialized on TV.
    So, (in this case) men already know or feel how much effort that attractive girl might have put on herself whereas he didn’t. And the standard of beauty formed by media or the society make the attractive girl more attractive. Then, the man starts to desire to get her but easily give up especially when she is surrounded by people. If the man puts similar amount of effort to fit the standard of being handsome by media, he might be the one to get her. However, it’s about where we put value or meaning for building up new relationship, not about make the media happy. So, the questions here “I’m wondering if other people think that is true? And if so, why?” will be both true and false depending on which standard we feed.

    • All I can say is that some of the happiest couples I know are not conventionally attractive. They put their value someplace else and have been extremely happy over the years.

      Next, look at their divorces among all the beautiful people in Hollywood.

  14. I believe that everyone has different feelings, weather you are a man or woman the way people make you feel about yourself is all different depending on the person. I often find myself scrolling through Instagram comparing every little thing about myself to a model who I follow, obviously not on purpose but out of insecurity. Therefore I do believe that there are men out there who feel insecure because of how beautiful a women is, but I do think it is mainly self doubt. I don’t believe that it is the models fault for being beautiful or the mans fault for feeling insecure. Its hard to not compare yourself to people when you don’t feel like you are enough and not only do women feel that way, but men do as well. I feel like trying to find inspiration rather than self hatred on people who make you feel insecure is the more healthier option for not only yourself but everyone around you.

  15. Eli Harrison Pritchard

    I think that both men and woman can look at an attractive model and be envious (or depressed) because both have been coded to see them as desirable. Whether or not an individual decides to combat a standard of beauty it is still an image that we encounter nearly all of our life. Women see an unobtainable standard of beauty and men see a mark of status they can’t compare to physically. An attractive woman to me is more common to me anecdotally in media as a status symbol than an attractive man. I also think male standard of beauty is just way lower in general when it come to the depiction of men (although ant compared wo maybe ten years ago). Even when we think of what makes a man more desirable? It would probably be more tied to wealth than physical appearance. There is always an old cliché about average looking rich men flanked by some kind of trophy wife in media. I tried to really think about media where the inverse is true and just drew a blank.

  16. In my own opinion as a woman, I have been told that I am sexy and attractive. That I am out of their league not just because of looks but how I am as a person. Due to how media and news portrays celebrities even the ones that are considered not attractive, I feel inadequate to. These women are ones that are models or on magazine covers, are ones that men would not only feel that they are never good enough for but also that of what women compare themselves to also. Women tend to do a bigger comparison of themselves because we are taught to be a certain way and to look a certain way and if we do not fit what is portrayed in ads or media, it causes us to doubt ourselves as humans. When I look at men’s ads and see the ones of men who are ripped or attractive I don’t have a negative feeling towards my image or body. The reason is, I know that I would never have a chance nor would I ever want a chance. I live a separate life from that of one in an ad or magazine and I wouldn’t want my life to be different to feel I need to fit to an image in regards to it.

  17. I can look at a celebrity or model and think, “ya, I need to exercise more…eat less junk food,” but it doesn’t put me into a state of depression. I’m sure some people it does. I think if you don’t have anything else going for you and your looks has been what got you attention your whole life, then when you think you start to lose them, or they don’t hold up to a model’s, then those people are the ones that are going to be down on themselves. Admittedly tho, I’ll look at Chris Hemsworth and I know, lol, I would not stand a chance. I also know if I wanted to, I could have a rockin bod, but I don’t want to exercise 5 days a week for 4 hours a day. I’m too busy with kids, boyfriend, work…school. There’s also times when I see a model or actress and I’m inspired to exercise and eat better, especially when I see a model or celebrity mom who is in shape. I think,”If they can do it, I can.” I’m at the point where I’m in between in shape and not in shape. Again, to reiterate, I think if all people are focused on are looks, then they will be more negatively affected. If they have a great job, independence, happy healthy relationships, goals, fun activities, then they have all those other positives that outweigh the one negative of body image.

  18. It is extremely hard to suggest that this is the majority of the way people feel. First and foremost not everyone thinks models are sexy. Some may find them too tall, or too skinny. When a man or woman compare them selves to another human being they are creating a negative opinion on how they feel about themselves. This negative image was created long before an attractive woman stepped into the picture. The problem with society is there always has to be an excuse for ones own self-pity. Sexy women don’t make men question their own lack of self esteem. Confidence and Self esteem come from self love for ones own body and loving yourself enough to accept what you look like and having the confidence to feel good enough for anyone no matter how attractive they may be.

    • Well, two different studies found that men who commonly read magazines with sexy women had worse body image than men who didn’t. I don’t think it’s about self-pity because the men weren’t pitying themselves. The study just found that they had worse body image —- and these men may not even have realized that their body image was worse than men who don’t read these magazines.

      I agree that it is best to get self-esteem from within. But society creates unrealistic expectations that we unconsciously internalize. There’s no reason that society has to create these unrealistic expectations that harm both women and men.

  19. About a month ago my sisters and i went to the beach, their was a lot of young adults, i saw a hot guy that caught my attention handsome and fit, however i feel i was looking more at these woman, who was tall, thin and beautiful, just like the models you see walking down in those fashion shows, wearing a swimsuit feeling confident and conformable in her own skin, yes, it does have an effect it made me feel less attractive and a bit insecure , however its seem she had time and dedication to maintain her body in shape, is admirable. Now that I am older I have learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, as a teenager it was different.

    Most of the magazine show unrealistic body expectation, how ever i notice their introducing models who are thicker and still look attractive and beautiful, which is good because every women i build different and we need to see more then just a thin tall body.

  20. Seeing a “hot guy” in an ad didn’t make me question if I was good enough for him. In my mind I would just be like, “oh he’s hot” and get over it. On the other hand, seeing a beautiful women on an ad made me question my confidence. I’ve been a heavy girl my whole life and when ads tend to show beautiful, skinny women yes it does affect me. Makes me believe that this image of women is all men want to see. It not a negative feeling, it more of a I’m jealous I don’t look like you. Body positivity has become a popular trend this year, I’ve noticed brands are starting to hire models from all shapes and sizes and both men and women.

  21. I think the reason for this is probably because women are valued for their looks, the more physically attractive they are compared to others the more they’re valued, whereas men are valued for how attractive the woman they’re with is. So in the end for both women and men, their value comes from how attractive the woman is.

  22. “Hi Bob! Yes you do. But you don’t mention the social construction that lies behind all this. As a society we create a sense of women’s body parts as sensual. A man’s ass is just as attractive but you don’t see the camera following it around. Except in gay porn wear men’s bodies are more eroticized.”

    Hi Geogia! ha…Yeah I know you’ve brought up social constuction, which may be partly true because women’s bodies are sexualized and men’s not as much. Even then, maybe men’s bodies would be sexier and more attractive. But would it be something where a man’s body has “the goods” or create that desire and feeling for a woman? I still feel it’s just a matter of body parts too. Yes men are desirious of boobs and such because they are sexualized. But even in tribal cultures where boobs are not a big deal and nudity and such doesn’t cause arousal. As far as sex goes, even in tribal cultures men lick and play with women’s breasts, because they are erogenous zones for wome and I also believe because they are sensual and sexy to men in that context. Even if the male body became more sexualized, the male torso especially non chiseled average male just doesn’t seem to compare as far as stand out features like I said. Even if a woman isn’t perfect, she still has breasts which I know are fetishzised in america, but even if they weren’t they still are attractive and just fun body parts to touch and something for a man to touch and grope (I’m talking about consensual sex of course, not some some dude sexually assaulting a woman). Male body doesn’t provide that, because it’s already flat, but without muscle and defintion, it’s really flat and hairy and just seemingly a boring, barren terrain, compared to the fun, curvy terrain of sensual, beautiful female body.

    • Well it’s hard to say for sure but they ancient Greeks did seem to celebrate the male body as does gay culture today. But our mainstream culture does not. And while just having breasts may seem like a good thing about 2/3 of my women students still get distracted worrying about whether their bodies are attractive enough. That’s the downside of the fetish, And general objectification for women.

      • True, but I think gay men, while almost as visual as straight men are toward women. I thiknk gay men are more dick focused with their strong attraction to male body. Well other body parts too. But it seems that it even shows how the male body is limited overall. For even a sex, men (gay men) who are very visual toward male body. It’s still like attraction too in the functional sense of male body and there’s a gendered difference too it seems, which sexualization may play a role as well as just the body parts, I don’t know.

        Then again, I obviously don’t know what gay men see in other men. But like even if trying to think objectively, just as straight women. I don’t get what there is for gay men to see or lavish. Like I said, women have the goods and seemingly more fun body parts because of curves which men don’t have. Thus it just seems like whoever are attracted to women, have more fun body parts to touch compared to whoevver are attracted to men in comparision.

      • Well it’s hard to know since we don’t have any equivalent experience of men and women.

        I do know that in modern Western societies both women and men can learn the breast fetish and in tribal societies neither of them do.

        In Western societies wear women’s bodies are objectified I wonder if men in the gay culture simply mimic what they see in Straight culture?

  23. Renata Ingram

    A sexy image of a man or a woman can affect women just as negatively, if not more, than a man. I believe this to be true because a man can always seem to find confidence to set standards of what an ideal woman is supposed to look like. I have seen my best friends dad cheat on her mom and if I were to describe what this man looked like, it would make you question where or how this guy even has confidence to do that. Society lets the man think that it doesn’t matter what he may look like, he can and should be able to get anyone just as long as he has confidence. Even if an image affects him negatively, it wont stop him from trying to pursue a woman he thinks he should have. A woman will see an image that negatively affects her and will make her feel as if no one will ever want her. Not even herself, finding ways to compare and fight the image she sees in the mirror. A man holds a power a woman lacks, to find a way to build confidence when they have been negatively affected by a sexy image.

    • Yeah but a lot of men and people don’t have confidence, so there are plenty of men who may have social anxiety and then it’s compounded if they aren’t good looking and don’t have a good body or are scrawny or chubby/fat.

  24. The implications of this finding make me wonder why american consumers decide to purchase and use this kind of sexual imagery if it is harming both men and women. I understand that people are hard wired to have a sex drive and to try and find an outlet to express those feelings, and that pornographers can use these impulses as a reliable way to make a profit. However, there is no reason why porn needs to be as alien, sterilized, and de-personalized as it is. Why can’t porn portray people expressing their sexuality, not in an idealized scripted way, but in the same bumbling way that normal people go about sex and all the other aspects of their lives? These male heterosexual magazines often portray the female models not only as well beyond the average in terms of sexual appeal, but also as elegant, and somehow unattainable. There is no reason why the people in porn can’t look, sound, and be more realistic. The sex advice columnist Dan Savage created a Seattle based porn festival called “hump” in which a wide variety of regular people produce and submit amateur porn. The wining films are then screened in an old fashioned public setting. “Hump” is an example of how porn might look if it was a little more humane.


    Hump! Film Fest. Retrieved from

  25. I thought this blog brought up a lot of interesting ideas and questions. I can get how a man could see a beautiful woman and feel sad thinking that he might not measure up to her beauty. However, a lot of the time that is not the case. I feel these men need to be a little more confident in themselves, in a respectable manner. You never know what someone is looking for or wants in a partner. That is why you have to get to know the person on a personal level and have conversations. I truly believe it is what is on the inside that counts, and if beauty is all someone cares about that isn’t someone I would want to be with in the end. I will have to agree with the author in that women are more likely to feel inadequate while being compared to another beautiful woman than a beautiful man. Women think a lot (a little too much) about their appearance and tend to be hyper-aware of the “cover-magazine skinny/thin” look. Women tend to compare themselves to other women a lot more that they would compare themselves to men. It is interesting however, when men see women they get sad. I wonder how men would feel when they see other highly attractive, sexy men. Do they feel the same sad? Or is it a different sad compared to that of when they see women?

  26. Men feel vulnerable to women who are considered “sexy,” in other words slim, fit, and pretty. Women with that type of image most likely affect everyone in a negative way. I think giving this image in today’s society such as victoria’s secret model can make women themselves feel like they can never have a body like that and think that men are only attractive to those with nice bodies. It gives us such a fixed mindset that we are not good enough. The idea that unrealistic body expectation impact both men and women in ways that the dislike their own bodies and not feel that everyone’s bodies is unique that not everyone has a perfect body even those we think who do. I think social media has impact on this such as simple as photoshopping photos to make a person have slimmer body when the person is not slim in real life.

  27. After reading the above post, I as a women do not believe that it affects my confidence. I know who I am as a women, and am very confident in who I interact with. I can see where beautiful women may intimidate men, but not other women. If anything I can agree that it may cause a women to care a little more about her physical appearance. From experience, I was told one time from my ex that he loved to approach women who were drop dead gorgeous because it was a challenge for him. He felt if he could get the prettiest girl than that meant that he was not bad looking himself. As a younger girl at the time, I did feel like seeing “sexy” boys in school was a little intimidating, but I never let it control me. I always treated everyone as if we were all the same no matter our looks. It was because of the outlook I had, I actually dated the “sexiest” man in school. That relationship did not last long of course, but it taught me that looks have nothing to do with a person. 

    • these things always vary from person to person but there is a strong social pattern of women looking at idealized and photoshopped pictures of women and feeling bad about themselves. I’m glad that it doesn’t bother you!

    • Yes he gets with a gorgeous woman and because men are not the desirable sex, that’s the end result. As long as a man gets sex, he needs to think of nothing more. So he didn’t feel self conscious seeing pretty women. But it’s also probably because he never cared or thought about his own body in relation to the women. Because men just like basic sex right. Bjs and fucking, if a man expands upon basic desire, he could enjoy the feeling of his body desired. Her kissing and touching of his body and him enjoying that. If he ventures there, then it would seem like a man should feel bad about his body. As what does his body provide to a pretty, sexy woman with her body and “the goods” when she doesn’t have body parts and the chiseled physique it would even take to even compare or come close to the fun body parts a woman has.

      And then realizing that, he could feel inept. He has beautiful breasts to play with, suck, ass to squeeze all this beauty and sensuality that just “pops” out to his eyes like a fun, erotic 3d visual. And his body…….flat, hairy, nothing popping out to grope for her, lick, suck, the male body or his body would just seem plain as in what he provides to a pretty woman, if she cared and was visual. Women don’t care, but it’s not because the male body is so fun, but because the enjoyment is more emotional. If it were I would feel it should be a let down. Like a visual, very visual, sexual bi sexual woman, it would just seem like she has to have more fun from a visual stand point sexually with women,than dudes. She may enjoy sex as much but it would have to be for different reasons, a man’s strength, a man’s ability to dominate better, penetration, etc.

      Do I now leave a valid point Georgia?

      • Hi Bob! Yes you do. But you don’t mention the social construction that lies behind all this. As a society we create a sense of women’s body parts as sensual. A man’s ass is just as attractive but you don’t see the camera following it around. Except in gay porn wear men’s bodies are more eroticized.

        But Women feel such pressure to have perfect bodies that most of them are more likely to start worrying that they aren’t sexy enough, so then might think it works well for women but for most it doesn’t, at least a lot of the time.

        And men are beginning to worry more about their bodies as we increasingly focused on objectifying men. About a quarter of the male students I surveyed worried about their bodies. And a friend of mine went to a conference called “women teach men” and the men often talked about feeling worried about their own bodies. Penis size, are they too flabby?

  28. This post was interesting in that it is very clearly what I have been commenting on since I started taking a women’s studies class. At the same time, this reminds me of a fight I got into with my boyfriend recently about how I have “pretty girl privilege” when it comes to dating, flirting, sex, etc. I said that I saw no reason to apologize for how I look, nor should I feel obligated to be kind to men I’m not attracted to who hit on me. His argument was that it was unfair to the man in question, since he is the one who has to “put himself out there” in order to try and get my attention. Besides trying to figure out whether or not I should leave him before or after the fight was over, it resonated a lot with me that men struggle around women, especially ones that they find intimidating due to how they look. But, I stand by my point that it is not up to a woman to comfort a man for “trying”. 

  29. I thought this was a very interesting post. I think the most interesting thing I take from this is how much of an emphasis our society places on visual stimulation and social capital through sex. Personally, I feel this is a genetic trait that was forced to be integrated into our demeanor, as to continue the proliferation of our race, however, I think in the future, when our biology becomes more customizable and we live in a more accepting world, we will look past physical attractiveness and focus more on our potential in terms of impact.

    Genetic editing is already possible and it is only a matter of time until we are able to customize our children. In a world where the most “attractive” genetic attributes are selected in everyone, what more choice is there than to look beyond the shallow nature of beauty standards, and deeper into the realms that actually make us human. Compassion, trust, love, and philosophy are all characteristics that are preserved far longer than the feeble nature of physical beauty, and I hope in the future, that these are more highly regarded.

  30. I think this point your reader brought up is so absolutely fascinating, the concept that unrealistic body expectations for women negatively impact both men and women is one that I think should be taught far more widely. Often many think that impossible photoshop standards, or the flawless bikinied women in television ads negatively impact only women, and while they do, it’s worth noting that seeing impossibly flawless humans as the norm is not good for any individual’s self confidence.
    I would agree with Bob that a woman’s perfect appearance is more likely to have any sort of effect than a perfect man would, and I think this has to do with the value placed on a woman’s appearance within our society. We consider a women’s looks to be far more insinic in their value than a man. Examples of this sad societal lense are seen in the fact that women are often forced to paint their faces, or wear towering death traps on their feet in order to be taken seriously within professional settings. Men are far more likely to date women purely based on their appearance, while women will pay more attention to personality, or perhaps income levels.

  31. I think that posts a very interesting topic. I believe that a lot of men including myself, when we look at pretty women we think to ourselves, “She won’t like me” or “She’s out of my league”. But I have never really seen that in my female friends. I think women are less insecure about their “league” and tend to be more brave at flirting with guys that they like. Women, however, are more likely to get self conscious about their own body image when they see beautiful women like Brooklyn Decker. I think “sexy women” images negatively affect everybody but the effect is different on women and men. When women see a sexy woman, they are concerned about their own body image because they want to be as attractive and beautiful as that woman so that they can feel desired. When men see a sexy woman, they first consider if they are physically capable of approaching that woman and are hesitant because they fear rejection. (There are exceptions of men who just don’t care about rejections)

  32. This blog posed an interesting idea about body image between men and women. I’ve always have compared my looks to other women. Those who fit the idealized image negatively impacted my personal sense of worth. Now, the blog posed the idea about mens’ sense of worth. However, instead of men effecting their sense of self confidence, it was women. When seeing a good-looking woman, some men may think they aren’t good enough. However, I don’t think this is as apparent in women whom feel lack of self confidence when seeing a man. Personally, I feel very self-conscious when I see women who are obviously better looking than me. This shows a lot about how women have pressures to fit the idealized version of a woman. Unlike men, there is a pressure from the beauty industry to perfect women, whether that’s through plastic surgery or makeup. I found this blog very interesting and informative.

  33. I find it interesting how a woman can have this feeling on other women and also men. Where men do not make women feel this way. I believe this to be due to the standard that women must be made up at all times and have a certain standard to uphold. Most all marketing has women too, made for women and then “sexy” adds for men. This puts women on more of a viewing piece rather than a human being.

    This also brings up the issue of the everlasting human feeling that we are never good enough. Many people find themselves to never be happy in their own skin, even the models we compare ourselves to. This was an evolved emotion that came along with jealousy and the distraction for what others have. Men never thinking they are good enough for the “pretty girl” and the girls thinking they’ll never be like the “pretty girl”. But who is the pretty girl?

  34. I haven’t really heard that men can be negatively affected by seeing a sexy woman, but I can understand where it comes from. What I have heard is that some men can be intimidated by a woman’s success, drive or ambition and would therefore not pursue her because of it. Everyone has their own insecurities and it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others and pick apart our own faults. I think these feelings of inadequacy can affect even the most confident of people. For example; I often participate in the swipe culture of online dating and will see a “hot” picture of a man, while on most days I am a confident woman and would swipe right. Other times I will find myself thinking “he wouldn’t date me…” making all sorts of assumptions on his behalf without knowing him at all, and I swipe left.

    I’m also all about sisterhood and a huge advocate for women supporting other women’s success so when I see another beautiful woman, I usually appreciate her beauty. However; when comparing myself to a super model who is paid to be perfect I can’t help but compare her flat stomach, perfect hair and makeup to my own disheveled self. It’s a vicious cycle.

  35. But I think that once the initiation is started that women are expected to hold their end up in conversation. But women aren’t always as socially skilled as you might expect either.”

    I don’t feel that. Even my best friend who was the ultra extrovert and good getting girls. He’s since then been in a long term relationship with a woman. So this was a good awhile ago when he was a manwhore. He’s wanted relationships for a long time since then. But he’d try helping me, but he’d ask why I didn’t talk to her or like say more. And I’d say I did, but he implied it was on me to carry the conversation. I mean obviously if a woman isn’t interested, she won’t say much. But he meant like if she seems interested, initially, it’s the guy’s role to carry the convo and such.

    And I believe that too can add pressure for a man. I don’t think women are expected to hold their end. Not if a man approaches a woman at bar, or beach or party, etc and trying to chat with her. Or even on dates, women have better communcation skills than men, but I think sometimes go bare minimum with convo. Because if you don’t have to charm or impress the sex you’re attracted to and get more of a pass, then it’s natural for someone to not care or to not putt or care in putting as much effort to be interesting and funny. I feel that pressure to be interesting and funny on the spot. I’m witty and ridiculously funny, ha, but I can’t just force it. The humor comes just from convo naturally, plus I don’t think you ever want to try to be funny, because then it comes off bad as people know when a person is trying too hard, which you don’t want.

    • Are you talking about picking someone up at a bar or talking to women who you know on a more personal level, like from work or school or something like that? Because I think that what you say is true for bar life but not outside of it.

  36. I can see how a man’s self-esteem can be affected after seeing a sexy woman negatively, but I would have to read that research paper done by Columbia. I have seen countless times men who look are not the best looking and still hit on women. I believe that it has do with how high that individual’s self-esteem is to be able to accumulate that much confidence to walk up to a pretty woman and say hi. This says the same thing with women. If they have self-confidence in themselves and understand that they are worth it, then the sky is the limit when it comes to dating. Once we all have that self-confidence, we can pursue any person we wish as long as they are fit to the job. A good personality can attract anyone because that energy is contagious and will rub make people want to get to know you.

    • Well, the research only said that men CAN feel this way. Not that all of them do. I personally know many who don’t.

      • Yeah but it’s most likely because guy’s are very basic with their thoughts on sex too. They don’t care and are glad with just the base minimum with their attraction to women and as far as sex. As long as the woman wants sex, and he gets his dick wet, that’s it. He doesn’t have to be hot to her or anything. Which is not really good, as it’s a very low standard, but that low standard protects men from feeling bad about themselves, because all that is just a bonus. If they can have said with said woman, it doesn’t matter what he looks like, as long as his personality can attract her.

        But those are the same guys who just like blow jobs, could care less about the woman licking kissing elsewhere on his body, probably typical man on top positions he likes, etc. So his body is just a fuck tool basically, a performaance body. Not a something for a woman to soak in, the aesthetics and body. To go there a man has to venture out from what soceity trains his mind. He has to think ‘outside of the box”. If so, then the realization could come with hetero bias, of how or what could a woman enjoy fondling, licking, touching, playing with that’s on the male body that could even compete with what he gets to with her curvy, many things to grasp, grope, play with, wonderland body?

      • And then much of this goes back to our socialization. Women aren’t taught to see men that way. And their sexuality is punished and repressed, which makes it less strong.

    • Saying hi is easy. I think what’s hard for men is the pressure to carry a conversation that would attract a pretty woman. Even though women are quite social and generally have better communcation skills than men. Ironically,the onus is put more on the less adept sex with communication (men) ha to carry the conversation load as far s approaching and charming and being ultra interesting. Many women don’t try to or because they dont have to or conditioned that men do so. Women put it on men to woo them. Women especially pretty women, just have to smile, but nice and show a little outgoing aspect, but it’s more likely the guy’s fault if the conversation falters, even though I don’t see not as many women try to pull their weight in conversation, when humor and charm could be added to spark things or make it interesting.

      • I might add that you get these general tendencies because of unconscious internalization.

        Girls are taught to be more social, their play includes tea parties And playing with dolls, which helps their social skills.

        And then both girls and boys are taught that men are supposed to take the lead in Initiating relationships.

        It’s so commonly done that way that it seems natural and normal to both sexes. I have surveyed my women’s studies students and most of the women are uncomfortable initiating.

        But I think that once the initiation is started that women are expected to hold their end up in conversation. But women aren’t always as socially skilled as you might expect either.

    • And one can feel they are attractive and hit on a woman and not that she’s above them. But still wonder what she gets touching thier body sexually that they get touching hers. Many men you see, are just happy getting sex. All the other stuff is extra or doesn’t mean much. You say they have self confidence, but what does that mean for a man’s outlook of his body if he doesn’t care how a woman sees his body and is happy as long as his dick is wet? That’s the mindset many men have, a basic mindset, which protects them from feeling bad about whatever lack of enjoyment a woman could have with their body. Because men are conditioned to think of women’s bodies and not their own bodies unless it'[s super masculine ways like dick size and performance. The sensual, her touching, looking, licking his body, that doesn’t cross a man’s mind though it’s kind of flattering feeling a woman to be lustful like that. But if a man doesnt have “fun” body parts, how can a pretty woman get that much from his body whereas, she has the “goods”.

      You do realize self confidence doesn’t necessarily mean a man hits on women right? Men who do so can also be conceited and their delusion protects them from feeling bad from rejection and keep doing it. And it doesn’t mean someone thinks low of themselves if they don’t approach women. You can feel good about your personality and looks, but have social anxiety because you’re an introvert. I feel I’m attractive and quite charming, matter of fact, but I hate awkwardness. I don’t care about rejection as I’ve asked girls out and it not work. But approaching a girl from the bar or whatever is just different. And like it feels you have to put a good impression with not much surround stuff or setting to talk about and be ultra funny and carry the convo. Like for me, I can’t fake that. It has to be organic for me. I’m not one to just tell stories on the fly or jokes. My with and humor is where it just comes, and often from getting to know someone and riccochet something from what they’ve said and a funny smartass remark or using wit to something said for humor.

      What say you, Georgia?

      • Well there is a lot of social construction of sexuality here. We are taught to see women’s bodies as the erotic ones so Women often end up getting aroused by imagining how aroused her partner is by her own body. And then men overestimate how important a large penis is. Only 20% of women are more likely to orgasm with a large penis. Another 20% find it painful, And for the rest the size has no effect. I think most women prefer sincerity over clever with words. But women are more likely to find that out from men they get to know rather than men they just meet at the bar.

  37. You mean how we socially construct female central beauty and don’t have equivalent images of men?“

    Well sensual images of men would look pretty weird and gay right? Men would feel weird having their body posed or set for the viewer to indulge their eyes on them. A lot of it is because men like to feel strong and also not vulnerable or it’s more of a shock for men put in that position compared to women. And because women aren’t that visual it would look stupid as they’d pose to look sexy but the target they’d want would hardly be interested in seeing (women).

    So their sexual poses or sensual poses would be “homo-erotic ”. Which a straight man really doesn’t want to provide for obvious reasons. If a man poses sexy , since he’s attracted to women; he’d want the majority of viewers and interest to be from women. Not gay or bi men

    • “Well sensual images of men would look pretty weird and gay right?”

      Yeah, that’s part of the social construct. And men are taught to be visual, just as women are (who can be turned on by nude women even if straight). Meredith Chivers found women responding much more strongly to a naked woman than a naked man.

      But all that is something to write about too. 🙂

  38. Oh, I can tell a lot about it. When I was a teenager and saw a sexy woman, I felt good. Then I tried to explore the romantic relationships and started asking ladies out. Ten years down the road after endless rejections and being pretty much sexually invisible to women all that time… Seeing a pretty girl in public makes me hate myself.

  39. “Yeah, I haven’t heard a lot of men Worrying that they’re seen as less sexy/alluring but it definitely comes up from time to time. You aren’t the only one who has brought this up. But generally men are not taught to think about their bodies that way. While women feel under extreme pressure to be “sexy enough” and almost always feel like they fall short.”

    To follow up with that other post of mine to your quote here. This is an example of what can prompt such feelings for me.Maybe you could use this video in the next post in relation to my response that was going to be another post.I said sexy images that can do it. Here’s an example that I forgot to post but just heard the song and reminded me of the music video. It’s an example of how it usually provokes a good feeling seeing beauty and I know the women are models, though the good thing is the song shows regular women and celebrates femininty, beauty and sensuality.

    I like Bryan Adams songs. I’m sure you’ve heard it, I know some women who love the romantic song with the spanish guitar ha. But when I see the video I get mesmerized in regard for how beautiful women are and I know it’s nothing new. But I always found this more impactful than crap rap videos with blatant sexuality and women’s asses shaking in front of the camera and tits. It might cause lust, but beauty and sensuality can just be mesmerizing. But I love the black and white background of the women, so sensual, beautiful, exotic. Female, feminine mystique, maybe straight bias but just reminds me of how I and men can’t compare to that. And then the thought comes of like what women get out of looking at a man’s body, not that they won’t enjoy, but could even compare to the sensual, arousing just more to look at that us men get seeing their body?

    Here;s the song….music video

    Looks like Johnny Depp is in the video ha

    • Okay, we can see what people say.

      But it’s a double-edged sword for women. On the one hand the camera gazes at women – maybe you have Heard the term “The male gaze.” And that’s what creates this allure. And from time to time a man complains that men are not seen in this way.

      But women can experience the same thing as a burden. It can feel burdensome because they feel like they don’t meet expectations. Or they can feel like they’re reduced to being the object of the male gaze.

      So this could end up being two blog posts.

      • I know you’ve talked about that before and because of women are sexualized and it makes men more visual toward women’s bodies. While that may be true, when I see videos like that I can’t help feel it’s just aesthetics too. And I know women find men sexy and attractive, but it just seems like women just have more “fun” body parts to look at and touch. You see the sensual beauty and it can make you turn inward and then see your body that is the complete opposite. I don’t want to be a woman, but then wonder like how could pretty women get the joy from even an attractive man’s body or like myself that I would have with hers? There’ just seemingly more to look at and that more is sure prettier and nicer than my or othe rmen’s rugged seemingly rougher on the eyes body.

        I know women like that, but it seems like it has to do just because we’re different and women like that difference that our bodies are more aesthetically pleasing. Whereas men’s attraction to women is because women’s bodies are different from outs, but also just pleasing to look at that the male body just isn’t. Like a secure man can be impressed by a well built men, but a nude man is not pleasing to see and it might be why straight men can’t watch, or don’t watch or would not enjoy gay porn even though “straight” women can enjoy lesbian porn. That just seems to show that women’s bodies are so beautiful that even though a woman is supposedly not attracted to women, the aesthetics of nude female body is not an eye sore and can not just be pleasing to her eye even if not attracted but found sexy or sexually pleasing visually. Sometimes can’t help feeling male body is inferior or atleast wonder what like I said a man’s body could give or provide visually even though it would be cool if women got as much enjoyment or body parts as fun. And it’s not just because of sexualization. The male body is not excersized is flat and boring looking. I know I’m straight, so there might be a bias. But I was tryijng to look objectively like what is there for women to excited for compared to what we men have with women’s bodies looking at. I said it before, male body generally is 2d, female body is 3d of sensual, pretty, sexy beauty…

      • Well the male body has been eroticized in ancient Greece and is eroticized in gay culture. It’s starting to be eroticized now more than it to be.

        But many will find out a double-edged sword. Once the male body is eroticized men Will increasingly feel like they don’t measure up. That’s happening already.

        David Beckham’s Sex Sells
        Objectifying Men’s Bodies for Profit
        Guys Care About Their Looks, But It’s Complicated
        Jon Hamm Hates Being A Sex Object
        Real Men Competing With Porn Stars

      • you should use that music video as an example though of female sensual beauty

      • You mean how we socially construct female central beauty and don’t have equivalent images of men?

      • You said you’d do a further continuation before, I think it would be nice for like a further follow up. I say that because it seems like many answering it aren’t getting it. Yes it makes men feel like they can’t get with a beautiful woman and some pointed out how it’s tough for everyone. Or how a man Just needs confidence. Yet what I’ve noticed women being sexualized and pinnacle of beauty and sex appeal.

        And though men don’t feel the pressure like women do. In some ways guys don’t feel their bodies are all that great and it seems more common for guys to have such thoughts on why women are attracted to men or even prefer male body or their male body over the many pretty women’s bodies. It’s intersting women feel more pressure for their bodies but at same Time I don’t think have the “hetero bias” like guys have. Like guys just seeing how amazing women’s bodies are and maybe can be impressed with really fit guys but wonder why all women aren’t lesbians whereas you don’t see straight women wonder why men are attracted to women or prefer their body over men. I think it’s because women are so sexy beautiful even straight women and people in general see the appeal of female body.

        So like I said if my head gets wrapped up admiration and lustful bliss about women’s bodies it can make me more critical of my body like what Is she getting from my body tactfully visually that’s even in the same hemisphere of how I’m feeling. I think it’s why many guys views in sex is often their body and relation and pressure to sex is that of a fuck tool. Because guys can’t see their bodies sexy enough or appealing enough or aesthetically pleasing to provide a woman with immense enjoyment that could even come anywhere near with how women’s bodies are to us men and how pleasing .

      • Yeah I think you are right. Need to keep in mind how people were interpreting it and repost.

  40. Yeah, I haven’t heard a lot of men Worrying that they’re seen as less sexy/alluring but it definitely comes up from time to time. You aren’t the only one who has brought this up. But generally men are not taught to think about their bodies that way. While women feel under extreme pressure to be “sexy enough” and almost always feel like they fall short.”

    I think because the male body isn’t celebrated like the female body and culturally seen as less sexy than women. The standard is low for men. So men don’t expect to be found sexy based on their body and as a result they don’t bother thinking about it and because it’s not easy getting dates fo rmany men. They try not to overload their plate as there is enough things men are thinking about as far as how to talk to women, their wealth, and other things, so they are just happy getting sex and perfoming well.

    That’s more than enough, anything else is just icing on the cake. Icing on the cake guys don’t concern often with because of other things they internalize and because they are so concerned with other things, it keeps their mind fron venturing inwards in regards to their body and it’s desirabilty the aesthetics the body parts could cause with desire for women. But then why can’t or shouldn’t man raise the bar for himself and not want more than just being a “screw tool”? If you think about it, that’s how male sexuality is because it’s very “performance” heavy as in how he fucks, or his foreplay skills, but not often the tactile, sensual desire his body couild provoke from the woman he’s with. It’s always about her body.

  41. I definitely feel bad about myself when I see a hot woman because I automatically compare myself to her and it makes me jealous and hurts my self-esteem. I can also see why men feel bad too because anyone who is extremely beautiful is intimidating. One time I read a study that stated men are more likely to approach an average looking woman over an extremely hot woman. For one, I think it would be very intimidating to approach someone like that who is so good looking because everyone gets nervous around good-looking people. But I also think both men and women seek out partners who are the same level of attractiveness as them. For most ordinary looking people, we just don’t measure up to hot women and I think that in a way we all kind of feel like we are below them. I also agree that men are more likely to feel negative around an image of a sexy woman than a sexy man. Images of sexy men just seem very unrealistic and I don’t think they bother men that much. But sexy images of women are much more apparent in our culture and I think this is why they affect everyone more.

  42. I believe in attraction however not everyone views attractiveness the same. It is true that men may be more visual then women or actually care about women’s attractiveness at times more then their own as far as some rwlationally. Women do focus more on a holistic approach to attractiveness in some cases. More so then men do, thus the possibility of negativity in some parts of women and men due to the exterior.

    Women have been viewed more of a sexual object more so then a man since the 16th century. Men have looked upon as a leader, father, governor, however, thing have changed since 1980s-1990’s that men became sexualized more so. However with the me too movements and other movements, I hope that societies are moving forward on their view of women. ” We are not just our hair we are not just are skin we are our souls, the souls within”. I hope we are above the superificial, and do appreciate others instead of viewing people as objects would be a step forward. However they may look or not look, I learned never to judge a book by its cover. Relations are more then skin deep. The are about the personalities, interests, and other things as well.

    • Yeah, men are more visual and women are more holistic and our culture teaches men to be more visual and women to be more holistic. Not a lot of I candy aimed at women on a daily basis in our culture. The cut of men’s clothes versus the cut of women’s clothes, the billboards we see etc. And because we privilege men over women women can be more concerned about what type of job a man has, his general character, is he abusive? Things like that. (The more gender equal a society the less abusive men tend to be.

      • I’m starting to feel unique as a man when I don’t think I am that much, but I just must be putting my thoughts out that other guys don’t? I’m seeing men’s posts here and I understand it and that most likely is a lot of the reason. But it’s interesting that not a lot of guy’s aren’t thinking from this perspective too. I get that women being sex objects makes them think of their bodies and men think more based on their performance, whether their wealth, their dick size, number of girls they get, how good they are in bed, etc. And not so much about the aesthetics of their own body in relation to how women may see it. Like I get that view that many guys have and why they don’t self introspect on their body sex appeal, and aesthetics. It’s more what women may do, but I wonder if it’s just turned off or just not thought about because of condition or used to it. It seems that it would not be a woman or man thing, but a HUMAN thing to be self aware and curious about other’s perceptions of you and how you compare or relate to others, and that is in various facets including which could be one’s body. Like curioisity and thus wondering why women find the male body attractive, and do they find it exciting to look at and how can they find it fun or even close to as fun as I and men find women’s bodies?

        And like I said, not because of how visual men are, but how the female body is put on a pedestal. So you see what is seen as sexy and the most appealing body and body parts. Which said body ( women) is sensual, soft, smooth skin, curvy, you know what I mean that’s the epitome. So you observe your body when you see such beauty and then wonder…not that you think you’re unattractive. You might find yourself attractive build and proud of your muscles, but that’s as a MAN. But male body is a lower standard. You observe a woman’s sexy breasts and butts in ads, the legs, how sensual, sexy women’s nipples areolas are. And then you think of your male body or men’s bodies even if decent shape. And the hairy chest, fuzzy hairy ass dudes can have, legs and even if fit, it’s just symian compared to women. And you’re thinking first how most women aren’t lesbians, but then what can they get visually out of looking at this male body could even compared to what you get out of seeing hers because of aesthetic and fun body parts. We don’t have fun body parts that compare to women and a man has to have muscle to even have stuff for women to look at and touch.

      • Yeah, I haven’t heard a lot of men Worrying that they’re seen as less sexy/alluring but it definitely comes up from time to time. You aren’t the only one who has brought this up. But generally men are not taught to think about their bodies that way. While women feel under extreme pressure to be “sexy enough” and almost always feel like they fall short.

  43. Carina DeLorenzo

    I think it is important to note that while sexy women can make men and women feel worse about themselves, it functions on different axis. Take the movie industry. Often it can feel like average looking women simply don’t exist. Meanwhile, while men may feel inadequate for a beautiful women, stories actively craft themselves to create a fantasy where this isn’t true. Just look at all the movies where an average looking dude without much going for him gets with a beautiful woman a decade younger. Meanwhile, even “she took off her glasses and then she was beautiful” narratives that surround the fantasy of women being beautiful often use conventionally attractive actresses. And the actually subversive idea of “a woman’s value exists in this story completely independent of her looks” often are portrayed by women who are conventionally beautiful and therefore are unable to deliver on their intended message.

  44. This is an interesting topic to think about. Men have always controlled what the beauty standard for women are. In this article, it challenges men in a way, to show the hypocrisy in their mind set. The irony is men get insecure by their own definition of beauty. Men want women to look like these supermodels, but are intimidated by them. Women have always felt the need to live up to beauty standards that are in turn, created by men themselves. It seems that though men have this standard of beauty that women drag themselves to live up to, and for those that do, men are intimidated and become insecure, saying comments like “she won’t go for me” or “I don’t have a chance.” It seems as though this can also be somewhat of a problem as it really only deepens the level of insecurity for women.

  45. When you think of how men respond to models, actresses, and porn stars(typical”sexy women”) you would think that they are drooling and jumping at the chance to be with them but out of my personal experience with guy friends I’ve found that isn’t as true as one would expect. Whether it is because they are intimidated by a confident woman or because of their own low self image that makes them believe they “Aren’t good enough” It seems like those women that the media advertises like the newest fast food item are not as sought after as we thought. It’s funny to think of considering the Fat Husband, Hot wife trope that we see in so many television series now a days. From Homer and Marge, Al and Peggy, Peter and Lois, Fred and Wilma, and so many more we get this funny reoccurring trend out of nowhere.

    Now when it comes to Hot guy/Average woman I also see awkwardness and low self image. I used to date this guy who was 6foot and about 125. I am 5’5 and about 200lbs although my curves hide my weight. I have always had a low self image but being next to someone so thin and traditionally attractive made me miserable. I never felt worthy to be in pictures with him. Now this is my experience not women’s experience as a whole but I can see where the “Sexy man/Woman” intimidation can come from.

    • Well if your man was tall at 6 foot, 125lbs. Well most people won’t be that skinny and shouldn;t compare to that. But I don’t know how attractive that is. That’s like anorexic, under fed,skinny, scrawny build at that weight. That’s very light for a man but especially at 6ft. Because height adds weight. That’s not a slim or skinny man, that’s very skinny. I’m 5’8, and though slim I’m between 175-180 lbs. i’m not skinny like I used to be skinny. But even when I was skinny in highschool I was always around 150, like had abs toned and that’s 5’8. and at that height, not 6ft. If I was at 6ft even as skinny as I was in highschool I would have weighed more than 150 just by height adding a little more weight

  46. Isabel Hayes-Rundle

    I think that is is so interesting because a lot of men in society and society in general put a lot of pressure on women to be “sexy” and to look good, but then this makes you feel insecure? It just seems a bit contradictory, and slightly hypocritical. A lot of men, sexy or not, hold high standards for their women and if you do not meet these standards you aren’t good enough, and you aren’t THEIR type and then women get treated like garbage for this reason. I just find it ridiculous that women are held to such high standards, but then men complain that it makes THEM feel insecure? What about all of the women that feel insecure daily because they aren’t sexy enough? I think it should not be a big deal, and something that you are partially doing to yourself, and bringing yourself down.

    • You make a good point about the irony: Women pressured to be sexy, looked down on when they aren’t, but then sexy women make men feel bad about themselves. Pretty crazy, huh?

      • Well it’s more media. More men love women’s bodies in the variety they come in than people think and more forgiving than people think. Many men aren’t expecting to see or necessarily attracted to or solely attracted to the “perfect” victoria’s model like body.

      • True. But most women don’t realize this. And even if they feel like they might be “good enough” they often feel like they are falling short of ideals, ideals that they have some sort of obligation to embody.

  47. This type of thinking stems from objectification — rather than acknowledge that the “attractive” woman you see is a human being, like everyone else, both women and men see attractive people as faraway objects that sets the standards higher for everyone else. As a result, many feel like they can’t compare to the attractive person, causing insecurities towards how they feel about themselves. In relation to how men feel when “sexy women” exist, they feel inadequate besides a woman who made the effort to maintain their appearance because they feel uglier, lesser. Women feel the same, too; but with men, it’s less because of jealousy and more because those who feel insecure want to fantasize about being in relationships with models like Brooklyn Decker, and the fantasy version of themselves are on par with the model’s level of attractiveness. When we abandon the normalized concept of assuming that celebrities are people who we have a “chance” at dating, these types of insecurities are bound to decrease.

  48. I think this is simple. Men are not physically threatened by a woman who is physically attractive – it makes them feel insecure about themselves. They could be fantasizing about being in a relationship with beautiful women but at the same time criticize themselves and comparing how they won’t be their “type”. They bring themselves down.

    I’ve always wondered, “could it also be possible that they feel “bad” about themselves because they can’t have what they want?”.

    Why would an attractive woman affect a man negatively? To me this does not make any sense. Maybe it’s the insecurity feeling of can’t have what they see. Beauty is from the eye of the beholder. Sure, there are models and people in the entertaining industry that are physically and sexually attractive but one’s perspective can differ from another. Models get paid for their looks. How someone may look, should not affect how it makes someone feel negatively – to me, that’s just self-pity.

  49. This was an interesting read, and so many comments indicate a variation of thoughts; some stating that sexy women really do make men feel bad about themselves, yet there are others in the list of bloggers that state women can also feel bad about themselves when they see images of sexy models or other sexy women; movie stars, commercial characters, women in general, co-workers, friends and associates.

    As a woman, I have to say that when I see a sexy woman on the cover of a magazine, I do admire the image and I do like what I see, however, I personally have never felt inadequate due to a picture of a beautiful model!

    After reading this, I have to believe and thank my mother because she raised me to recognize and appreciate beauty, not to be threatened by it. All women are beautiful both inside and out if they choose to be. It’s an attitude and confidence that exudes beauty and sexiness. Also, I do not believe that we really hold that much power over a man to make him feel inadequate. Men are sexy human beings, when a man is kind, considerate and exudes confidence in himself he will comes across as sexy. Physical appearances are nice and yes you can be drop dead gorgeous and incredibly sexy looking, however men and women that have personality, are honest, kind, caring and good are much sexier, all in the eyes of the beholder.

  50. I think women are more likely to feel bad about themselves when looking at a “hot” woman compared to men, but simply due to the societal norm of women feeling the need to compete with one another in order to win over men. Men created the societal standards of “hot” as well as the need to be a seen as a prize to be competed for. Rather than”I’m not hot enough for him”, its “I’m not as hot as her”. But, that does not mean that women don’t have the simpler mindset of not being hot enough for a man overall. If anything, both of those feelings have the ability to create a lot of insecurities for women. I believe at the end of the day this has a lot to do with the amount of confidence men and women have in themselves. It’s really easy to put ourselves down and label ourselves as “not ___ enough” for someone, if we don’t have a lot of love for ourselves in the first place. Obviously society’s standards of beauty can create a large dent in a person’s self confidence, and I believe that can be a cause for the sense of feeling bad about your self in terms of looking at a picture at a hot man or woman.

  51. Yes, attractive women will inevitably make others feel bad about themselves. A feature of industrialized countries is that we constantly compare ourselves to others. It is rarely the fault of the women themselves…quite frankly I can’t remember a circumstance in recent memory where a social media influencer purposely made her followers feel bad about their external appearance, although influencers will upload highlight reels of their life in order to cultivate a particular public image for themselves. I was personally thinking about the whole incel movement where attractive women are labeled as “Stacy”. There’s a common belief that “Stacey’s” will almost always pursue an individual of similar attractiveness. This isn’t necessarily a lie, but I wouldn’t say it’s definitive in every context. I think that cisgender heterosexual men and women have similar sentiments about seeing very attractive women and men, respectively. Feelings of inadequacy can often arise when we find ourselves to be, albeit subjectively, worse-looking than specific members of another gender. I think a lot of people find validation in others, and a person considering the hypothetical likelihood of being in a relationship with someone attractive may provide a boost or decline in confidence, depending on how they assess the likelihood of such a relationship occurring. Should that be the case? Absolutely not. But I think the author of the original comment brings up an interesting topic about how sexuality and self-sexualization can be seen as gateway to self-validation.

  52. Zhanara Baisalova

    In 21st century the “fat wallet” stereotype is fading and as a young woman I am very glad to notice it.The issue that you have put above links to the one of aspects of evolution, where mating was more successful for the ones who looked taller or tried to look bigger by spreading their tails or producing very loud noises etc.Luckily, we as a human race do not do that anymore and moreover, we do no need to. Instead, humans can exercise, eat better and may even consider few visits to psychologist to work on previous issues that were bottling up and become an upgraded version of themselves.But it is hard and time consuming.
    Having a beautiful body and maintaining it is a voluntary work which needs an investment here and there. In order to make an appearance valid and memorable sexy people do internal work as well, it is not just about the body image.In addition, it is a self discipline which a crucial thing and once a person (sexy woman or man) is able to adopt it then the rest such as even the day routine becomes more efficient.
    In my opinion, men feel bad by looking at sexy women because they are aware of the amount of a hard work that others actually put when they also had a choice between exercising or napping.That sends them an invisible message of sexy ones being stronger on some level which is not a female adjective at all.

  53. For women, if the body is not erotic, Is the woman excited about the man’s masturbation?
    I know a woman who is excited about male masturbation.
    I want to know the psychological reason why women are excited about male masturbation.

    • I’ve never heard of women getting aroused by watching men masturbate. That doesn’t mean that all women don’t, And apparently at least some women do. But I don’t think it’s common. If it were, it would be a major category of porn that women would watch yet they don’t.

      Check this out: “Some of the most disturbing recent allegations of sexual assault involve men forcing women to watch them masturbate.”

      And women often get grossed out and offended by flashers masturbating.

      • Thank you for your answer.

        Aren’t women interested in men’s masturbation scenes in pornography or live webcam?
        In the article on the issue mentioned, in the case of the masturbation of young men, not older men,
        What about men with good looks who masturbate?
        I am deeply interested in this subject.
        ” least some women do” I’d like to know the psychological reason.
        Among a few women, I wonder if they are stimulated by male masturbation.

        A woman who does not feel very erotic to nude photographs of men.

        Should nude men’s pictures and masturbation scenes be said to be the same from a woman’s point of view?

      • Sorry to say that I can’t tell you why some women might enjoy watching a young attractive man masturbate. It’s curious that men seem to like to watch Young attractive women masturbate but women don’t seem to mirror this desire.

        “1 billion wicked thoughts” is a book that looks at Internet searches since they are more accurate than survey research. What do men and women search for? Here’s what they found:

        Men Watch Porn, Women Read Romance. Why?

        And here are a couple other related thoughts:
        Twilight vs. Porn
        What Women Want: Twilight

      • I actually used to think this as well. It’s actually more common than you would think. While not a survey that I’ve taken, I work in a predominately female profession. When I have spoken to co-workers about sex, the majority of them were aroused by guys that they were attracted to sending them masturbation videos. I was shocked because the common theme is that women don’t like dick pics, but if they are physically attracted to the guy they not only like these images but are aroused by then as well. Even my wife told me she masturbated to naked men when she was a teenager. It just shows that surveys don’t speak for every woman.

      • It may be different if she is in a relationship with a man and Sexually attracted to him. I don’t know. Can’t say I would want to see that myself.

      • i am attracted to my partner masturbating. it is very common in kink positive relationships.

      • Thanks for sharing your experience.

  54. I think we’re missing a lot of data here before it’s possible to make strongs conclusions about why this happens. For one, there’s no corresponding study that shows what happens when women are shown pictures of attractive men. Your personal “guess” that women don’t feel self-invalidation the same way when exposed to images of attractive men has nothing backing it up and it comes off as though it’s natural to suppose women simply brush away the sort of doubts and anxieties that men must laboriously suffer though.

    Off the top of my head, I can think of a few reasons why men might become more body self-conscious after reading these magazines. The accompanying text to these kind of images often focuses on physical details, sometimes in an objectifying or occasionally even outright mocking or degrading way, which could prime anyone regardless of sex to nitpick at themselves. Exposure to high-glam images might move their sense of what’s “normal” preoccupation with appearance. They might feel jealous of the attention famous women get. However, there’s no real way to tell without more research, and even then, how much is a sample of undergraduate men at the university of Missouri a good representative of men everywhere, anyway?

    • You said there is no good data but Bob was asking for data and you didn’t give him any 😦

      How would you answer the question?

      Also, Bob is working off of other surveys I’ve done which actually help answer a question you posed: “I think we’re missing a lot of data here before it’s possible to make strongs conclusions about why this happens. For one, there’s no corresponding study that shows what happens when women are shown pictures of attractive men.”
      See these:
      Men, Women React to Male/Female Nudity
      Women & Male Nudity: Mixed Reactions

      And this, on how sexy women make women feel:
      Cindy Crawford Makes Me Feel Inadequate

      re “how much is a sample of undergraduate men at the university of Missouri a good representative of men everywhere, anyway?”
      Unfortunately, it is not possible to get a representative sample of anything. The best we ever get is 50% response. It’s usually much worse. So you tell people how you did the sample and they can come to their own conclusions. I was shocked that any man looked at attractive women and felt worse about themselves. I thought that looking at pretty women was simply an enjoyable experience for all men, so it was an eye-opener for me.

      If we didn’t value looks so much and have impossible ideals that women can’t achieve and men can’t achieve either (i.e., finding an “ideal” female partner) I suspect that sexy women wouldn’t be likely to make both men and women feel bad about themselves.

  55. I kind of like an intellectual look and I like when the beard looks intellectual. But I like guys without a beard too. I think that Post Kim Kardashian the ideal has changed to be “Thicker” but given the old female ideal (which is still common, a la Kendall Jenner) men’s legs would be considered more attractive. And in fact xy males who are insensitive to testosterone are overrepresented among female models with their long slim legs.

    Today the only place you find the male body eroticized more is within gay culture. They’re pretty good at eroticizing the male body.”

    True that makes sense for female body being seen as sexier or more arousal toward female body. But it seems like just such aesthetic appreciation and women put on a pedestal with their beauty and body parts. It just makes it feel I think for some men, part homophobic, part just being straight? or bias, but also it’s easy to see why men would just see the female body as most attractive and appealing and their body or male body as lower level as far as aesthetic and sexual appeal based on body parts, just because of the male built and not seeing what there is for women to drool over.

    • Straight women definitely do find men attractive.

      By the way, I appreciate that you can find women attractive even when they don’t fit some narrow ideal (re another comment you wrote here).

      • Hmmmm..I must disagree.

        Most women find most men unattractive.

        The men whom women find the most sexually attractive are the ones whom they will engage in casual and no strings attached sex. These are the so-called “alpha” males. These are usually men who have very little if any desire to spend any amount of non-sexual time with a woman. Women know this about these men. They are strictly for mutual sexual satisfaction and not long term partners.

        The rest of men (I would venture to say about 60%-70% of men) must offer other things to a woman for sex. These other things make him more “attractive.” However, this is NOT sexual attraction. For example, he must have a good job, be perceived as a reliable partner, be perceived as a good father etc. The key thing here is the premium is on non-sexual companionship. Most of these men are not deemed sexually attractive by women. Only a few.

        Usually when it comes to long-term relationships or marriage, for women sex is not even in the top five reasons for marriage. However, for most men I would argue it is in the top three! or two!

      • Sounds like false info the incel movement puts out to make men hate women.

        Reality: pornography gives men the idea of that women are excited to sleep with everyone. And then men who find it difficult to get sex get mad at women.

        Reality: sexual women are shamed and punished: slut, ho, skank… (all of my students have witnessed women being slut-shamed in high school). So they repress their desire. Over time they lose desire, which explains why almost half of American women have low to no interest in sex. And even when women have interest it takes a lot more for women than men to want sex in a society that shames them, which also explains why women lose interest so quickly in long-term relationships.

        Incels complain that women won’t have sex. But women are punished — shamed and ostracized — when they do. So they usually don’t. And it takes a lot to interest them. Incels can’t slut shame then be mad when women won’t give them sex.

      • Thanks for your reply.

        The incel movement has zippy to do with my views on this matter. Frankly, I view incels as cowards.

        As for the pornography angle, do not consume pornography. But, if a man thinks that pornography is representative of women’s sexuality, then they are just plain dumb.

        The bottom line is women do NOT want to have sex with most men. Nor should they. I have discovered that women desire different things from different men. Another way of putting it: women do not want the same things from all men. Men need to grasp this simple fact. Just as men do not want the same things from all women. Women, just like men, want to have sex with men whom they find attractive. It really is that simple.

        You maintain that due to shaming and our culture of sexual repression that 50% of women have little to no desire for sex. While I am not sex expert, I totally disagree with your assessment. Nor do I agree with your reasoning on just why so many women lose interest in sex in long term relationships. I must mention that your views are at odds with the finding of many sex experts including Esther Perel.

        Today, it is estimated that nearly 50% of women cheat on their partners in marriage and/or long-term relationships. So, while they might not be interested in having sex with their long term partners, they clearly still have an interest in sex. They are having sex with other men (and/or women).

      • I never thought of you as in incel at all. Practically the opposite. But some of the things you say echo what they say which makes me think that you must have been exposed to them for some reason, maybe through friends.

        “You maintain that due to shaming and our culture of sexual repression that 50% of women have little to no desire for sex. While I am not sex expert, I totally disagree with your assessment.”

        Study after study has found somewhere between 41% and forty-four 44% of women have low to no interest in sex.

        And I know from personal experience that repressing had a huge effect on me. When I was much younger (prepubescent even) I was much more strongly interested in sexuality then I was by the end of my 20s. And I’m not the only one. Read these again:

        Repression: Not What You Think It Is
        Sex-Negative Societies & Non-Orgasmic Women
        Repression Shutting Down Sexuality
        Religion Shutting Down Sexuality
        Repression Shutting Down Teen Girl’s Sexuality

        Why Women Stop Being Porn Stars

        Women Are More Responsive To Repression

        I’ve also read Esther Perel and nothing she says disagrees with me. She simply doesn’t address the question of the root cause of the problem as to why Women lose interest in sex so much faster than men do in long-term relationships.

        This is true: “most women do NOT want to have sex with most men.”

        Excellent point:
        “I have discovered that women desire different things from different men. Another way of putting it: women do not want the same things from all men. Men need to grasp this simple fact. Just as men do not want the same things from all women. Women, just like men, want to have sex with men whom they find attractive. It really is that simple.”

  56. I humbly disagree. Sexy women put a smile on my face and fill me with happy thoughts. At their core, all women are basically the same and have similar needs. The only thing that changes from one woman to the other are their priorities and their level of intelligence (intelligence is also very sexy). Sexiness transcends physical beauty and has more to do with the way a woman dresses, carries herself and her self-confidence. A woman doesn’t have to be physically attractive to be sexy. I’ll take a sexy, self confident woman with mediocre looks over a physically beautiful but insecure and unsexy woman any day.

    • That’s how I thought men felt– Sexy women put a smile on my face. And I appreciate your expanded notion of sexy.

      • Well, I used sexy in the sense of how hot is used. I find a sexy woman to be more than her body and looks, but her personality and wit and how caring she is. Sensuality adds to that too. I’m not upset like some guys might be upset with hot women because they feel they can’t attract them. Like 90% of the time pretty women do put a smile on my face, especially if she has a cute smile and personality with it. When I see a woman that catches my eye and she’s beautiful, idk what it is. But I can have this fawning feeling like “gawwwwddd,,, women are so pretty” lol. It’s like the femininity, the sensuality, just uniquely femine beauty to gush over. So that’s most of the time, but sometimes I can get so caught up and put that beauty on a pedestal, not in the sense that I don’t think I can attract pretty women, because I know I can.

        But when that happens it can for a moment make my mind turn inward, I’m very self reflective as you know. And then think of my body, then think of pretty women’s bodies and then mine and men’s bodies in general. And then like mind gets so wrapped up in the sensual beauty of female body, those sexy women. sensual sikly legs, breats, all these stand out features and then feel bad, because it’s nice feeling women to desire my body strongly and not just that, but my body being fun playground for her too. And then I just don’t see the male body made or can’t be like that for women. Not just because women are less visual and male body isn’t sexualized, but my male hetero bias just makes me feel the aesthetics don’t provide that and body parts don’t provide as much in comparison for women to what women’s provide for us men to look at, touch tactile wise and orally

      • Interesting. And quite well put, I might add.

    • Well I meant as in hot women. Sexy does mean more than looks too as personality plays a big role as well. And 90% of the time sexy women bring a smile to my face. But when men like you say it’s all happiness, I wonder if you guys are lower your standards and just happy having sex or the bare minimum and as long as you get off or get your dick in that’s enough for you with sex. You don’t care if a women drool over your body or not and such. That feels great and why this, though not often effect me. As while I know women find men attractive, my past girlfriends used to tell me I had a nice body, but sometimes I can get wrapped up in women;s beauty and sex appeal.

      I just think my body, the male body can’t provide or be as fun for women to play with as it is for us and not just because us men are more visual, but just looking at my body, the male body, women’s bodies are 3d beauty, the male body has to be fit and ripped to even have an aesthetic, the male body may be attractive, but’s 2d in comparison. We have so much more to look at and play with, visually, tactile wise and orally speaking because women have curves whereas to be honest the male body is like a hairy stick figure with a dick ha. While women are voluptuous beauty. Which sex has to more to look at and touch? I say women

  57. I suspect with it comes to sexuality, attitude trumps looks.

  58. If the problem is rooted in the man’s self-esteem, then improving his body may not be sufficient to achieve the desired result anyway. Exercising regularly would be a step in the right direction, but doing it with the hope of getting a sexy woman could result in disappointment.

    If a man has “body-image problems”, then he may have other underlying problems that impact on his attitude.

    Some very attractive women don’t get asked out, because men think they do not have any chance with them. Often they might if they just tried asking.

    • All your points make sense to me.

    • True. What if a man actually likes how he looks and thinks he can attract women, but wonders like what women, sexy women get out of sex visually with not pefect men? It seems like they get or can get a lot out just because women are generally less visual and care less about that. That doesn’t really help things, it just means women get turned on despite the male body. I know the male body can be attractive, but that’s the problem also with sexualization of female body. It puts the female body on a pedestal, matched with heterosexual bias, I don’t think it’s rare for a straight man to wonder what women see or get excited about their less attractive body compared to sexy women. And then feeling and knowing you as a man have to be getting more seeing her body during sex than she is toward you, not just because you’re more visual, but can’t help feeling it’s aesthetics and body parts too.

  59. just reading this and its title not exactly sure if I’ve questioned this in previous comments on posts but will happily ask it again but what defines “sexy”? I look at this and to me it implies it being visual in a sense but I guess when you can’t see there are other ways of defining “sexy” all be it in personality nature etc. it’s just my thoughts here.

    • In this context sexy means visually sexy (according to our culture’s ideals — ideals which are quite different in other societies). But you’re right, there are many ways to be sexy which don’t include visual.

  60. Maybe there’s a correlation between women who feel inadequate when viewing a model they perceive to be sexy and men who feel inadequate because “she’d never go for me”. The correlation being some women feel those insecurities because these same men compare them unfavorably to the women they deem to be out of their league.

    I would ask Bob and the others why they can’t feel comfortable in their own bodies and appreciate the natural beauty in the women that surround them in their everyday lives.

    I’d like to also add that there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve your body image, but do it for yourself, not because you think that will get you what you think you want.

    • Interesting insight on the correlation you identify.

    • I appreciate everyday women, cute women, pretty women who aren’t the perfect ideal body/beauty, but quite attractive to men. For me it’s not that I don’t think I can’t attract hot women, though I’m more after a balanced woman. One who is attractive, pretty but doesn’t have to be hot, but witty, smart, caring, etc. And I think I can attract hot women though, not that I think there aren’t plenty of women who don’t find me attractive, because I know plenty of women don’t. But while I’m definitely not a model, I’ve been told to be good looking and feel so relatively and have a pretty cut build, slim, but stocky. My heterosexuality bias like comes to life when seeing an ad of a sexy woman and even though I think my body is decent compared to other men. I sometimes can get caught up in sexy women’s beauty and makes me wonder, though I’m attactive, like what I have with my body compared to women that makes women like excited to look at my body. I don’t think it’s rare for straight men to be glad women aren’t lesbians, but I’m sure most straight men have wondered when looking at women’s bodies then a man looking back as his hairy self in the mirror ha and then thinking….women prefer this?

      Over soft, smooth sensual skin, breasts, ass. And yes I know men can be attractive, but it feels like a man has to be muscled or toned to have something for women to look at for the torso or to be aesthetic. Women already have built-in features, so don’t have to be fit but just good metabolism and will have atleast boobs and some curves to look at generally. Like it seems lopsided and not equal with sex. Like we have a, as John Mayer sang “wonderland” we men have that visually/sexually when looking at a woman’s naked body. Sure women like our body, but it doesn’t seem to compare as far as what there is. I don’t want boobs lol, but just saying because men are muscle based lifting and toned is needed to have to look at. If women are 3D… are 2D. Seems like women are ripped off from the visual stand point as far as what they get to look at with men vs what men get to see with women’s bodies and the feeling men get in comparison. Some men might like feeling that desire and some might say it’s because women are less visual, but sometimes it feels like aesthetics and men have less drool worthy body parts, idl

      • I think that we eroticize the female body more than the male body. Ancient Greeks eroticized the male body more. I saw some study that Women actually prefer men with some facial hair. I kind of like an intellectual look and I like when the beard looks intellectual. But I like guys without a beard too. I think that Post Kim Kardashian the ideal has changed to be “Thicker” but given the old female ideal (which is still common, a la Kendall Jenner) men’s legs would be considered more attractive. And in fact xy males who are insensitive to testosterone are overrepresented among female models with their long slim legs.

        Today the only place you find the male body eroticized more is within gay culture. They’re pretty good at eroticizing the male body.

  61. It’s very simple why. Men want a hot woman. Women want a man with a fat wallet. Which is why men’s money is the moral equivalent of women’s sexuality. So why do men feel bad about seeing the hot woman they can’t have? Well partly simply because they think they can’t have her. But partly because they project their own thinking onto women: “Hot women are desirable therefore hot women desire hot men, which I am not”. Not understanding women enough they don’t realise they can’t have her because their wallet isn’t big enough. Then the woman feels bad because she isn’t as hot as that woman therefore the next man with a big wallet won’t pick her. As Elaine says in Seinfeld: “Elaine: “Well, the female body is a… work of art. The male … utilitarian, it’s for gettin’ around, like a jeep.”

    • I don’t understand the first part of your answer. Then why do hot women make men feel bad about themselves?… As you actually point out later. But a fat wallet won’t necessarily do the trick either. Plenty of women didn’t want to sleep with wealthy Harvey Weinstein or a number of other rich and famous men accused of sexual harassment, and I saw similar numbers years ago when asked about women’s interest in Donald Trump.

      • You see georgia, it shows sexy women or our societies view puts the pressure on other women, but men internalize, maybe also from homophobia. But is it no wonder men can feel not able to attract from their body as Fred just reiterated the feeling about how the male body compares….it’s utilitarian, it’s for getting around like a jeep, while female body is a work of art. And well as a man I do feel that way about a woman’s body. And while I know women don’t feel like that way about male body and don’t think the male body is like society describes like that. I may generally not feel that way, but something about seeing a sexy woman can make even me view myself as….a jeep in comparison and wonder what visual gratification a sexy woman would get that coule even remotely compare to what I get seeing hers. And I actually do like my body, I’ve been lucky to always have an athletic build, so I can feel good about it compared to men, but since it’s not perfect it’s hard to see what a sexy woman gets from seeing it in relation to me seeing her and I wonder and have a feeling that lesbian women probably or bi sexual women probably get more visual gratification looking at each other’s bodies, especialy sexy ones……

      • Yeah, I want to continue this concern in another post. Thanks for your thoughts in this comment and thanks for writing this post!

    • Fred, ye can’t label all men like that. Personally, when I see a sexy (hot) woman, I feel admiration for how she takes care of her body. It suggests to me that she is strong willed and comfortable in her skin. I do love strong women, especially if they have a high degree of intelligence and education, and refuse to be shoved into social pigeon holes. Looks aren’t all that important.

      I’ve noticed, however, that you tend to be right about the desires of some men. It appears that, to many, sexiness is paramount, if not the only thing, and I think a good bit of that is for show and bragging rights (arm candy).

    • The more economic freedom and opportunity women have the higher they rank the importance of physical attraction in men, the fewer economic opportunities or freedom women have the lower they rank the importance of physical attraction. Taking that into consideration I highly doubt women go for fat wallet and men go for looks is any kind of absolute truth. It seems like women and men both value physical attraction, however when we structure society to make women economically dependent or vulnerable then they are forced to change their priorities. I think there is some evidence of men doing the same.. when you consider old Britain when men tried to “marry up” (financially) and when they did would actually take on their wife’s name instead of the other way around because of the privileges that came with it in that society.

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