Women are told that if they don’t give their husbands/partners what they “need” that their significant other will just get it somewhere else. We are given mixed messages about how we need to “put out” but not be a “whore.” It’s tough to navigate ones sexuality in such a conflicting culture. It can be tough for some to own their sexual being when they are told that it’s existence is only intended for others; the pleasure of our partners should give us pleasure. How can you get excited about that? How can you have an exciting a pleasurable sexual relationship when you don’t even know what you like or can’t communicate it?

I used to work in a sex shop that was geared towards women and we would have couples come in all the time. I was always surprised at how often women would seek the approval of their partner on the various items we had despite the fact that they were all intended for her. When helping women pick out lingerie I would ask them, “what do you like?” and they would almost always respond with what their partner liked. “Yeah, but what do YOU like?” The answer to that was consistently, “I don’t know.” At 19, I found myself mediating the sex lives of middle aged couples and helping women navigate their own sexuality. It was pretty eye-opening.

Now I am 28, married and have a 2 year old. My perspective is different and my relationship with sex is different. Dealing with the hormones and the stress takes its toll but having a supportive partner that takes a vested interest in my needs and desires (in all areas) makes all aspects of our relationship better. I think being able to see the dysfunction that is caused by the patriarchal aspects of female sexuality and romantic relationships has been a huge help and I wish more people could understand that.

The root of this problem emanates from society culture that demands every individual to conform to a strict code of conduct and behavior. In as much as culture is necessary to guide individuals in the best way to coexist peacefully and with minimal conflicts, it has its own shortcomings. Culture prevents or limits an individual from fully exploiting their intellectual capacity, further it hinders independent thinking.
To make matters worse, women are supposed to be submissive, mothers are limited in the role they can play in the society. Sex becomes a contentious issue because we are living in a society that is glorifying pornography and pop culture that is full of explicit and x- rated images. Men are being exposed to extreme sexual content that encourages weird sexual drives with submissive women who must fulfill their partners. This culture has a triple effect of demoralizing men who can’t perform or who are not as endowed as the artist in the media culture, while women must at all times satisfy their partners no matter their moods and readiness for sex. To counter this culture rationality women must be given space , personal performance should be respected and comprehend the fact that sex is a process of intimacy not an act.

I am 40 and while I have been very sexually active in the past (from ages 18-38), I now identify as asexual and value my celibacy quite highly. I am single and while I would very much be interested in a relationship with another asexual, I know this is unlikely, and am ok with the prospect of being single the rest of my life.

I have been in many sexual relationships previously. For the most part, the point of sex was to provide sexual satisfaction to my partners, not me. Sex was often coerced, with guilt trips, nagging or the withdrawal of intimacy or even kindness, if I didn’t participate. I have had to endure sex when sick, depressed, recovering from assault, or simply exhausted, in order to satisfy the needs of my partners. I had a couple of partners who said they “loved to give” and fetished women having orgasms, so those experiences with those partners were a little better. But I still felt I had to “perform,” and felt guilty if I could not orgasm, since I was disappointing my partner. Then finally, in the last relationship I had, my partner said he could not get off without very rough sex and humiliating acts for me. He very much perceived this as a reasonable expectation, which I think he believed due to the influence of internet porn. (“Everybody’s doing this, why are you so uptight?”) I thought I was being giving and open by indulging him, but I left that relationship feeling slightly traumatized. I have to say, Dan Savage’s narrative that good partners are “GGG” and compromise by doing new things and experimenting was NOT empowering for me – more often than not, it meant I was doing things that I really wasn’t enjoying.

The net result of my sexual history has left me with NO desire for partnered sex and indeed a feeling of revulsion or repulsed at the thought of allowing anyone access to my body again.

I haven’t shared this opinion with many, because so far the response I have gotten is that there is something wrong with me that I need to fix! I must get therapy for my issues and get hormones! Because I can’t possibly live a happy fulfilled life without sex! I don’t view myself like that. I get a lot of joy from my celibacy and the fact that I am finally able to care for my body and put my own needs first. I find it quite freeing to not have to objectify myself by putting so much effort into maintaining my body in an acceptable, “fuckable” state (hair removal, sexy clothes, etc).

I write this because I would like there to be a narrative where it is ok for someone to choose not to have sex. Asexuals or the voluntarily celibate need not be pitied, or told they are missing out, or that they “deserve” to have good sex, so should be making every effort to have some. I find a lot of “sex positive” articles don’t really mention that it is ok you do not want to have sex altogether, which is a shame. People can choose a life without sex (whether temporary or lifelong) and still be happy, fulfilled, and satisfied.

There may come a time when I would like to engage in sexual activity again. But I am not making an effort now to “get over my issues” so I can engage in sex as soon as possible, and I think way more people would benefit from hearing this message, instead of pressuring themselves to fix themselves.