How Sex Is Used To Create Patriarchy

By Brittany Beall 

Sex is used to create male dominance (patriarchy) in a number of ways. Just take a quick look at these:

The double standard

In the double standard when a man has sex with many women that’s fine. Even celebrated. He is seen as a “the ladies man” or labeled “cool.”

But if a woman does the same thing she is labeled as a “slut” and men will find that unattractive.

Men are free, women are not. Men are celebrated, Women are humiliated.

Men call the shots in dating

Men also call the shots in dating. They are the ones who ask women out, they make the plans, pick their dates up, and make the first move (everything from just a kiss to intercourse).

The next day she hopes he will call her.

Men are independent and invulnerable

Many guys still seem to think they are “uncool” if they have a girlfriend who prevents men from pursuing a lot of women.

And not having a girlfriend, while pursuing sex with many women, makes them feel independent, because girlfriends leave guys feeling emotionally dependent. And guys with girlfriends can’t just do whatever they want because sometimes they have plans with the women they love.

Random sex also makes them feel invulnerable. They can have sex without emotion and no one can get to them.

So they put on a facade of toughness to feel empowered and present a version of themselves of having no feelings — which are to be avoided since they make you feel vulnerable and dependent.

Men “score” in a game of conquering women

Being single helps guys to score in a game of conquering women. If he has sex he wins and she loses — because of that pesky double standard.

Things are changing

Of course all this is a generalization and does not apply to all men.

And many in my generation are definitely changing these standards and ideals. With more time we will see more change. Even now women are starting to ask men out on dates and guys are more open to showing their feelings. The double standard is also weakening.

And year by year women are becoming more independent and confident.

I feel very confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. I take my him out on dates, treat him, and pay for things. And he is confident enough to let me.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on October 14, 2019, in men, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 68 Comments.

  1. Wow. I never thought about any of this when it comes to the world of dating. These points bring up a chilling realization in the dating scheme in our modern world. Men dating many women is seen as winning at a game. However, when women do the exact same, they’re viewed as sluts, whores, and cheaters. One thing I’ve noticed is that women keeping their virginity is seen as something that’s expected of them, there’s no rush for them to feel the need to lose it. But when males still have their virginity from the ages of 16 and up most peers make them feel like they need to rush into things and sleep with whomever just to satisfy the status-quo. Brittany makes a great point about how men will call all the shots when it comes to dating, and it’s almost weird if the female makes any moves, it’s seen as coming off too strong when it’s just normal behavior that’s only expected from men. The dating world is so complicated for no reason, if we just acted the way we wanted to and made moves on whomever without worrying about gender roles it would be much easier.

  2. The article makes a valid point in regard to how society has traditionally functioned. It mentions there is a recent pushback, and this traditional view that has been erroneously defended with biology is thankfully losing ground. What I wanted to mention was that this stereotype is held by women as well as men. If he isn’t “man enough” to ask you out then he is inherently worth less. Or if you as a woman “score” with a man, the word “slut” is a label that a woman can give you just as much (maybe more) as a man is. This idea that a man has to be the one to initiate anything is ridiculous. After figuring this out, I started asking guys out first more. More often than not, they said “yes” but on several occasions I was turned down and once I was chastised for being “weird” for asking.

    • Women and men both unconsciously internalize patriarchy and reenact it. The only way out is to become conscious, which helps us to actually make choices instead of being run by our unconscious biases.

  3. I can understand the viewpoint that is presented in this article as the more traditional way men and women were perceived in relationships. However, I feel as though times have changed and these standards and stereotypes are very uncommon. While I am sure these situations still occur,I can confidently say that in my personal world of dating and relationships I have not necessarily felt this way. Dating to my definition is more casual and seens as just hanging out as equals where there is a mutual respect for each other and no judgement between past history. I never feel weird asking a guy to hang out or even expressing my feelings toward him. Going into 2020 the feminist movement has progressed a long way and press the previous history of male dominance in romantic relationships. I agree with what the end of this article presents saying that year by year women are becoming more independent and confident. This is really important in individuality and participating as an equal in a relationship.

    • Well even though people don’t eat as much sometimes friends start a relationship and I have surveyed my students on this and it is typically the man who makes the move still. And it tends to be the man who initiates sexual behavior still.

  4. Reading the article, I was thinking of how things have changed from being in high school asking a guy out (Sadie Hawkins Dance) It was the first time a girl would ask a boy out and make the first move. Most of us nervous and some didn’t go because they didn’t want to ask. It didn’t help empower young women to ask guys to other dances throughout high school, but it showed that there was an opportunity to begin.

    What I found is that if you did ask the guy, they took it as you wanted them sexually because you liked them. Then if you did have sex, you were perceived as being to forward and too sexual but the man go lucky being asked and she put out. Yes, the times are changing and I think that has a lot to do with social media. The face to face asking has fizzled and people text more than ever. It’s easier if your sending a text to ask a guy out from my nieces perspective it’s less pressure. The part of the article about she takes her boyfriend out and he is confident enough to let her…..that may be the case when it’s the two of them, but does he let her do it when there are other men around, family, co-workers, friends etc. That’s the piece where society may change the male perspective.

  5. I remember when I was in high school most of the rumors I heard were slut shaming girls who had sex with guys outside of being in a relationship, so casual sex, or being seen simply flirting with the football players. However, whenever a male was having casual sex or cat calling the cheerleaders in their uniforms they are praised with fist bumps, high fives, and admiration. So, basically, girls are sluts and guys are seen as GODS and cool. I thought that when I entered adulthood everyone would outgrow this, but that is unfortunately not the case. Women who are on dating apps are looked down upon for putting themselves out like that and seeking hookups. However, men compete with their buddies to see how many matches they make on Tinder or Bumble and schedule their “dates” with women. When men and women go out on dates and the woman offers to pay, somehow the male gets offended and refuses to let a woman pay. That woman is chasing equality with the simple act of paying for their meal, but men refuse to step down from their pedestal.

  6. It’s been ingrained in our minds that men “take care” of women in terms of being the asker for dates, marriage, paying for women, “being gentlemen”, etc. This has been going on for decades. I think this has created an algorithm that is too rigid. It makes like a game where women are on hold or have to wait until the guy makes a move or uses his turn and then the woman decides how to react. I think this just limits women when we don’t need to be. Ive personally wanted to ask guys out on dates or introduce myself but usually don’t because I don’t want to be seen as the weird girl asking a guy out or seeming arrogant, when it’s “the guys job”. I think it is getting better but it definitely needs to be more normalized. We both feel attraction to each other so shouldn’t we both be able to express that? The whole men are cool, but women are sluts dilemma is a societal facade that needs to break. The same actions should hold the same meaning regardless of sex. It just continues the cycle of misogyny.

  7. Maria I. Caldera

    Sex historically has been to create male dominance and women submission because gender norms place the expectation on the man to make the first move and the woman to wait for the first move. If a woman initiates sex, she can be viewed in a negative way, so many women wait for the man to make the first move. However, as society evolves these gender norms are becoming outdated. Now we see women embracing their sexuality and not conforming to the idea that a woman should be submissive. In the music scene, we have female rappers like Cardi B that are open about their sexual desires/activity and to many this is a way women take back and redefine how they express their sexuality regardless of societies opinion. I believe that if society stops suppressing our natural human sexuality, we can have more honest and fulfilling relationships. If both men and women take a collective initiative to put aside and challenge gender norms by doing what feels right to them and not what is expected of them, the playing field can be leveled drastically.

  8. As there is a double standard I believe that women can have the final say and let those men “have the win”. Yes men do make almost every first move but I believe that’s because that they feel like they have to be dominant and show that they want it for something to happen which isn’t true because if a woman wants something shell let it be known but she has the final say no matter what in what men get to do with them we are not just objects that abide and do what men want all the time. I do believe that times are changing and that the playing fields are leveling out and men don’t have to do everything and that its ok toot be the guy who gets every girl. Hooking up with as many girls as possible is not found very actrative but girls its a turn off to many.

  9. Im you’re right that he was wildly exaggerating. It’s a common thing for guys who want to appear as alpha male to do. And probably is actually reflecting an underlying insecurity.

    And yeah that I number doesn’t sound especially appealing since he would surely have at least one disease if it were true.”

    Yeah like when I see numbers like that, even honestly doesn;t have to be triple digits. But like a man fucking 50 women is pretty gross to me too. I just think of all the stds and it’s true a person can get them just banging 5 people and coming across the wrong person. But I don’t know. Like I’ve said I’ve desired casual sex, but like even in doing so, I wouldn’t want to bang 50 women or like that even if I was a rock star. I’m dead serious. I would be tempted to fool around more than I normally would want to with beautiful hitting on me of course. But for me, if I started getting toward 50, I’d be like. ok, things are going to far, its time to like just have sex with a woman that I love and wants a serious relationship and monogamy ha and be with one girl from there on and hopefully her be the one I’d want to marry, have kids with and spend the rest of my life with. Things don’t always work out that way, but I couldn’t get to that extent of wanting to bang that many women even if I had the status to where I could or women were hitting on me left and right.

  10. Women and Men are treated very differently when it comes to sex and this is a huge contributor to the patriarchy. For example, my friends and I were in a group setting at a party, just talking, and tipsy enough to reveal information about ourselves that otherwise had not been revealed. The topic of conversation, sure enough, made its way to discussing “body count” which is defined as the number of people one has had sex with. A male that my group of friends had just met, was very, very proud to announce that his body count was 372 people, and told us all that he kept a running list of every woman he had ever slept with. He kept track like it was a sort of game, where the winner was the male with the highest number of bodies, as mentioned in your post. When it came to my friend, she told everyone her body count was 4. Me and my friends are close to each other, and we knew her count was anywhere between 30-40 different men. However, we knew that this was something she admitted to only us, in secrecy, and even right after a male had just announced that his body count was well into the triple digits, my friend did not feel comfortable sharing the truth, because she knew that no matter how many people the male in the group had slept with, SHE would be the one who was judged, even though her count was significantly less. Despite our inhibitions being lower than normal, my friends and I didn’t say a word, because we knew the shame that was attached to women who slept with a lot of men. This is an extremely unfair example of double standards when it comes to sex.

    • Yep. Men tend to exaggerate and women tend to under count because men are celebrated and women are punished for doing the same thing. If you give people what they believe is a lie detector the numbers come out even.

      • “because men are celebrated and women are punished for doing the same thing.”

        That’s not the reason. The modus operandi of women is to present an attractive image. That’s why make up is a trillion dollar industry, and having tons of sexual partners is not a particularly attractive image. Men on the other hand rely on their boldness and go-get-em attitude to succeed in the dating market, and the unattractiveness of having had many partners is superceded by the clear boldness and go-get-em alpha male status of having got 357 partners. As long as women’s modus operandi remains make-up and passive attraction, this will always be. Men never make themselves look good in the hope some woman will approach them first. That’s (almost) never going to happen.

      • Women focus on looking attractive because the female role is to be passive in creating relationships. If women want relationships it’s the only strategy they have historically had, at least in America in recent years.

        Many of my students would like to be able to take a more assertive role in asking man out but feel like they can’t because they will be looked at as desperate or sluts.

      • I’ve known male players and unless the man is a male model, literal rock star, that number is very far fetched. And even so, It’s weird, I think things are changing more, maybe not in this person’s culture. Maybe it’s my maturity being older. With a number like that even with a guy, I would think it’s sad a dude is first bragging about it, he must be insecure to brag about it and keeping note of such stuff and such number. But I’d find it gross. I couldn’t help that the dude has had STDS, but maybe just doesn’t know it. Like a walking STD dudes are who go to that extent. Like makes me think of those fake tan, jersey shore guys, all vain but no depth, trying to look cool to everybody, but just vacuous. I think people especially young people think they are invincible, just because they may use protection, they think they can’t get pregnant or get someone pregnant or not get an STD. Yes the chances are greatly reduced but neither are 100%. You can have bad luck and have that with just one person, but you know the game of probability. It’s simply math, the more you do something and more variety of something. The greater chance of something happening. So in laymen’s terms.

        The more people you fuck, the greater chance you have of fucking someone with say herpes and then getting royally fucked as a result. Doesn;t mean it happens, but it’s playing with fire and definitely sets up the greater chance because of simply meeting more people. Things have changed more I feel where guy’s still get praise with that, but not like it used to be. BAck then it seemed like a guy could say he fucked 500 women and other guys would think he’s grea t and women don’t care. Many guys I know either don’t give a shit how many another guy has banged or would look at it like, “dude so what” if he bragged about how many he slept with. Or look at him like ” that’s kinda gross man” if it’s a number like that. There’a a limit for men too I think or it’s changed a little over time too. Women don’t get the leeway like guys do with numbers, but there is a limit for guys now than before. I know man whore isn’t harmful like slut, and some may use as a compliment though I’ve seen man whore more so used by women and not in a complimenting way, but he’s gross way. Like fuck boy exists now and basically a man is seen as a tool, vacuous guy not just by women but other guys and a man who basically is a dick or hasn’t grown up yet. Many women I know actually don’t like guy’s being all that promiscuous and like guys who have standards themselves. I know women expect good looking guys to probably have slept with a decent number of women and good looking women too probably. But they aren’t too fond when it’s excessive from such guy’s either if they learn of the guy’s number or he brags about it.

      • Im you’re right that he was wildly exaggerating. It’s a common thing for guys who want to appear as alpha male to do. And probably is actually reflecting an underlying insecurity.

        And yeah that I number doesn’t sound especially appealing since he would surely have at least one disease if it were true.

      • Estrogen also increases aggression. When estrogen was bred out of mice they stopped attacking.

        Women are more sensitive to the testosterone they have.

        Situational factors affect testosterone.

  11. “Thanks for sending me this. She is amazing! Anything is that everyone loses out when women aren’t allowed to work and contribute to the society.

    And I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving!”

    Thanks, You have a nice Thanksgiving as well. You’re probably interested in watching the Cave Documentary now of this woman huh? Seems interesting from the clip I saw on nightline which was like part of and promoting of the Cave Documentary. That clip I showed you was not of the Cave Documentary but talking about the woman and stuff that the Cave is about, so there you have it.

  12. I happened to see something on nightline and thought I’d share. You probably know of this or this woman, but I thought what an amazing woman and women as I guess it’s female lead. That’s huge for a country like Syria, but risking their lives to save the lives of people harmed from poison and bomb attacks in war torn Syria. I couldn’t find the nightline clip I saw on nightline, but I looked some up on youtube. I know you like inspiring stuff as I do.

    I guess there’s a documentary called “The cave” which is an underground hospital for people to hide as the cities and towns above the surface as destroyed. And it has a female lead medical staff, which Dr Amani is the lead doctor and manager. I haven’t watched the documentary but I found this clip on youtube and you can probably check the documentary or maybe I will or maybe I’ll find the nightline clip sometime.

    • I can’t help but feel when seeing the nightline clip though. “wow she’s amazing”. A hero for sure. The sacrifice, dedication of her, the adversity and her drive in a country that it’s tough for women to just work out of home and she’s not just a doctor, but like the communities leader. An important person and figure. She was like studying medicine or something like at age 13 or academic drive she had at a young age. Her parents didn’t want her to go to medical school or probably school at all (probably because of fundamental gender views of course), yet she did anyway and pushed forward. So I think pioneer is a good term for her,

      • Thanks for sending me this. She is amazing! Anything is that everyone loses out when women aren’t allowed to work and contribute to the society.

        And I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving!

  13. Men can sleep around and be glorified but when women hs more than 1 or even 1 persons he had sex with he slut-shamed. This is not necessary since men gain comics from it and women become more insurance. In many relations, the men tend to call all the shots. From something as simple as picking where to eat to coating each other. After a date, the women wait wasn hopes that he calls or texts over the next day. But it shouldn’t be expected from them women should be as confident as they are to make contact with the person the next day. Men are able to sleep with so many women because they don’t attach their emotions to it. They tend to have sex with women without feeling any emotion but the only thing they feel is the pleasure but with this mas years go by m=women are gaining more confined and independence form men.

  14. Well hang on now, if we concede this list of things “creates patriarchy”, we have to still realize that all these things are the result of women’s behavior. The so-called slut double standard is far more enforced by women than men. Men on the whole actually like promiscuous women. Women do not, because they represent a threat to their own man. Men call the shots in dating because women refuse to, they mostly passively wait to see what the man does. The comment here “The next day she hopes he will call her.” is a tacit admission that this is how it works. “Girlfriends prevent men from pursuing a lot of women.”. And there you have it, done by girlfriends, not men. And here this blog is on the one hand, wanting to free women to be promiscuous without being judged, meanwhile blaming men because women judge them for their free sexuality. Talk about double standard.

    If this article is a description of a mythical sexual patriarchy, I’ve got to ask why feminists are complaining since it is born of, and perpetuated by women. And since it is created by women, how can we in all honesty label it as patriarchy – rule by men. You’re ruled by the ones making the rules, and women are making the rules.

    • The problem isn’t men. The problem is patriarchy, which both women and men unconsciously internalized and reenact and re-create.

      The way out is to become aware of the unconscious internalization and to consciously choose to behave otherwise.

      • “The problem isn’t men. The problem is patriarchy”

        But why name a problem that is caused by women, and perpetuated by women “patriarchy”, a word that implies “men” (patri) and “ruling” (arch) ? I mean, apart from it not being caused by men, it isn’t even anything to do with ruling, it’s the grass roots social interactions of society and its individual members, nothing whatsoever to do with anybody ruling anybody else. Men like to sleep around and women are sitting on the phone waiting for a call? Nothing to do with anybody ruling anybody.

      • How is the problem caused by women?

        The literal meaning of patriarchy is rule of the fathers, which showed itself historically as fathers determine who would marry who, for instance, and having control of younger men, women and children.

        Patriarchy wasn’t actually caused by men (Or women) even though men end up having more power under it. Details here:
        https://broadblogs.com/2017/01/27/what-created-patriarchy-many-possibilities/

        Once patriarchy emerged both women and men were unconsciously socialized into it and continue to re-create it in a way that makes men take the leader role (initiating sexual contact) and women the passive role (waiting by the phone).

  15. I think that this blog does address the stigma that men having multiple partners is okay and women being a bit shamed for doing the same is wrong. This creates the false and super negative idea that women are “sluts”. The part of men being vulnerable and independent I have seen with my friends who think that if they are single you’re not cool and sometimes even talked down on which is not okay. I myself am not in a relationship but have seen people that are single be called prudes and if they were searching for a relationship them you become a “slut”. I do not agree that men are the ones who call the shots in terms of fating cause that seems a bit controlling and seems lik,e women would do whatever their partner says and thats a bit toxic.

  16. I definitely agree that there is a double standard on sex for women and men. I recently visited my friends at the University of Alabama and it was very shocking to me how normal the sex culture was there. Maybe it is because I only attend online college at the moment so I really am not getting the full “college experience”, but the concept of having relationships there didn’t really seem to exist at all. While staying in the dorms, many boys every night would come in and out an hour later after hooking up with my friends. Then after that my friends would come out and tell us how it went. It was surprising to me how comfortable they were in sharing what to me would be more personal information. I think this is a great step for girls to know that they are confident strong women who can feel comfortable for having sex as their own benefit and not depending on a boy for anything else. But in contrast, it made me feel very uncomfortable hearing frat boys talk about girls literally as objects and just base their opinions off of them and their appearance. I was sitting next to one guy who got nudes from a girl and he said out loud to me “ew she’s gross” and then continued to respond to her with heart eyes. I can’t even explain to you how appalled I was that I just witnessed that.

    • Objectifying women, making them nothing more than an object – in this case an object of ridicule and a sex object – is it means by which some men Actively work to create a sense of male superiority. Even though the guys behavior Dehumanizes these men

  17. I strongly agree with the post. I definitely believe men have dominance in sex.The double standard between men and women is completely out of control. Women and men have high expectations. Men are expected to have as much sex with as many women. While, women are expected to have one partner. Men can have numerous relationships and partners. In some countries men can even have multiple wives, a polygamy relationship. Men are considered a ladies man or a player when they have several relationships. It seems as if men feel worthy or superior when they have more girlfriends. Some friends even praise each other for having more girls and cheating on their women. For example, I remember over hearing the boys in school brag about how many numbers they collected in a week and how many of them were able to “smash”. A men score. It was like a game to them. It was pretty obnoxious to me. It’s very common for men to call women sluts when they find out the women have been infidel. Simultaneously, men praise each other for cheating but get defensive and offended when women do it back to them. Women are more confident and independent these days which is amazing. Women need to take their power back! Women deserve to have respect and equality in their relationships.

  18. “Many guys still seem to think they are “uncool” if they have a girlfriend who prevents men from pursuing a lot of women”

    I know you did not intend to generalize, but i don’t think this is quite true. I assume that there are those who want to “mess around” or not engage in serious relationships, but will at some point decide to “settle” or find “the one’. I do agree on the double standard though. There’s all kinds of derogatory names for females who may otherwise be considered “players” if they were males. I think there are far greater forces in a patriarchal society that contribute to its propagation and society’s aversion to change. Your boyfriend may be mocked or called a beta male by those who continue to hold women and men to traditional gender roles and ideas. You footing the bill for dates may seem normal, but I think there is still plenty of stigma in this regard, especially among the more conservative crowd.. It’s how we were raised and are continued to be raised to this day, our language, and self perception are only a few factors. I am an immigrant in this country but have come to adopt progressive ideas that are considered major violations of traditional “macho masculinity”, which are considered old fashioned here but are alive and well in other cultures. I was taught to hold the door open for ladies and never let them pay a bill of any kind and make sure she does not have to work a day in her life. I’d like to think of myself as an example of the generational change you mentioned because I have challenged many of the core beliefs I was taught by my parents, I am 22 but feel much older for some reason. I’m rambling at this point, but what I am trying to say is that sex is a double edged sword for both women and men. Say we lived in a matriarchy, women have the ultimate bargaining power because men cannot reproduce or pass on their legacy without them( and I think this is true to a certain extent in a patriarchy regardless). If you want to see how true this is just look at what is going on in china. Men are “buying” women from other countries because men outnumber women significantly there. The opposite can be said as well because these women are sold as some kind of commodity or product for male gratification. I guess it would make more sense to approach this subject from a more localized lens of analysis, but we don’t exactly live in a bubble. The United States exports culture and media, a paradigm shift in both may yield positive change for women all over the world. – Just my five cents.

    • Thanks for adding your five cents. In patriarchal China the fact that men are now buying women doesn’t actually help women’s status and that they are truly commodities who don’t have much say. In fact, typically they are kidnapped and then sold.

      Matriarchy would be no better. I am for partnership societies marked by equality of women and men.

      (And “Many“ Just means many and not all.)

  19. Hello and thank you for sharing this post. Language is such a powerful tool that shapes our reality and influences our beliefs. The terminology to describe a male with multiple partners tends to have a positive tone that encourages men to pursue numerous partners and the terminology to describe a woman with multiple partners has a demeaning tone that reduces the value of women. Both men and women have adopted this ideology based on gender norms. Women are conditioned to base their value on the least amount of sexual experiences they have and Men are conditioned to base their value on the higher amount of sexual experiences they have. That idea alone is counter intuitive because on the one hand, men are looking to feel manly by seeking many women partners but once men receive the ego boost from having multiple partners, the very same women that helped them feel manly are looked down upon. These sort of double standards certainly exist today; however, as women continue to progress and have more opportunities in careers, education, and overall rights, these double standards are weakened.

  20. I strongly agree with this post. I feel like sex can sometimes be such a taboo subject and it can be considered crude to talk about it openly. However, talking openly about sex does come with more consequences. It makes perfect sense that is a male dominated society, sex is just another way for men to seem superior to women. There is such a huge issue with double standards in our society. I think it is so ridiculous how some men will say that they like women with experience, but on the other hand will think a woman is unattractive for having multiple sexual partners.
    In terms of dating, there is one app that I think has made a huge step. Bumble puts making the first move in the hands of women, which I think is really great. Unfortunately, that is only one dating app amongst many and there is still dating that happens not online.

    • Thanks for your thoughts on this.

      • It seems like women still go by traditional ways though. Many women even on bumble don’t message a guy even if they have to withing 24 hours. It’s not a lot of time though either, they should change to make it atleast 48 hours. But anyways, maybe some guys sex is used for men to feel superior to women. That may be true, but I also think or more often it’s used for superiority but not toward women but toward other men. Our culture is kind of very competitive based, a dog eat dog world at times. It sets up for men to be very ego based. If many men are competitive, they will naturally place their ego and pride on aspects that are highly desired things.

        Women are quite sexually desired by men of course. So a man banging hot women places him or can in his mind, as more virile and desirable vs other men (ego stroke/competitive pride validation). It’s how he compares and can rank himself vs other men. It’s same reason why unfortunately some guys can be prideful on having a wealthy, high status occupation, because it’s higher income than other men or more prominent compared to others. Same with nice cars or a guy that’s very good in sports or say talented musician. It sets him a apart from the average man, therefore, something to be proud about. I think often the sex with many attractive women is more so of men doing it to feel superior to other men, but women unfortunately are the pawns for that. Some may do it so they can brag and validation from others.

        But doesn’t have to be so. If you’re a proud, competitive person, you can have all such feelings internally. Therefore, aim to succeed in all such stuff men would often place their pride too because it’s often based on their abilities which men will place their pride often on. Women are highly desired and it’s seen as a man’s success to have women, especially beautiful women to want sex with him. Guy’s can see it as an indicator of his strong sex appeal that is better and not other guys having or they have that’s better than other guys and loving that feeling. It’s kind of true in a way. rejection is name of the game in dating in general. But more often, a guy that has “game”, not an arrogant ass. But a good looking guy that’s charming, witty, smart will more often have more success and do better with women, especially pretty women vs average looking guys who are “average” as far as charm, humor, intelligence,wit, etc.

        It’s like how a quarterback who has natural abilities like a strong arm, good accuracy, will more often succeed more. He’ll still fail, but will do better based on his natural talents or what he can hone on vs the quarterback with average throwing arm, bad accuracy, etc.

      • Women and men both unconsciously internalize patriarchy and that’s why both enact it, and often without even realizing it. The problem is it man so much is our culture.

        And yes, getting a lot of Women is often about non-competing with each other for superiority with each other, with women in ponds in the game as you say. So still patriarchy. And luckily not all men.

        Meanwhile, a lot of guys make stuff up or greatly embellish, which leaves a lot of other guys feeling lesser-than and angry at women for not having sex with them, when women are punished for having sex with whoever they want. It works in the interest of patriarchy even though it actually harms both women and men.

      • “Meanwhile, a lot of guys make stuff up or greatly embellish, which leaves a lot of other guys feeling lesser-than and angry at women”

        And… what if some of these guys are actually telling the truth? I mean, if knowing certain things about what other guys get makes you feel rightfully angry at women, and some guys are being truthful, what then?

        And this is where we are… sexually speaking… living under matriarchy. Women control access to sex, so we are sexually ruled by women. There are no female incels. Not legit ones.

        And since sex is as critical to life as food and air, don’t men have a legitimate greivance against women in a way that women cannot have against men?

      • Most men do embellish and that is widely understood.

        If what you say were true why get mad at women instead of men?

        We live in a patriarchal society that punishes women’s sexual desire and celebrates men. This has a repressive effect on women‘s interest in sex so that it takes more to get women interested. If you want women to be more interested in having sex you should work toward not punishing women’s sexual desire.

        More details here:

        https://broadblogs.com/2016/09/26/repression-shutting-down-teen-girls-sexuality/

        https://broadblogs.com/2016/04/18/women-are-more-responsive-to-repression/

  21. I think this is a really important and emerging topic in today’s society. I actually was recently having a conversation with my girl friend about this topic because one of my guy friends made a comment about a girl he used to know in high school that “got around” and how he found that unattractive. My girlfriend and I later discussed how in middle school and high school, most guys only went for girls that they knew hadn’t been with any other guys and rumors often circulated about girls hooking up with guys, even if it wasn’t true. These rumors were always spread to hurt the girl because it somehow tarnished their reputation of being worthy to be a girlfriend, when guys were high fived and celebrated if they had been with a girl.
    Also, I was definitely raised in a household that men pay for everything, make the first move and pursue the girl. And although I did pursue my girlfriend, we now have a very equally balanced relationship. We take turns paying for outings, buying each other little gifts we know the other will enjoy, and I never feel emasculated that my girlfriend pays for me sometime. We are in a partnership and things should be equal.

  22. Yes, I do agree that sex is used to create male dominance; it has been since the beginning of time. But I also think that things have changed for both women and men throughout time. Women are starting to become more confident and independent, and men are starting to become more comfortable with being emotional. “Men are free, women are not. Men are celebrated, women are humiliated”. I feel that this statement is still very true, even today. Men will always get cheered on for being a “ladies man”, but if a women were to do the same, they will always be looked down upon. The double standard has weakened slightly, but it is still something that is still considered “cool” for men. I believe that most women prefer to be with someone who they can have a real connection with, like a beta. Yes, women do enjoy overall physical pleasure, for example, an alpha, but a woman needs someone who is kind and generous, someone who they can truly be themselves around and feel the intimacy between one another.

    • And interestingly, the earliest people’s appear to have been gender equal, based on societies that most closely reflect our earliest ancestors: forager societies. All of these societies are strongly egalitarian, on every continent on which they are found.

    • “Men will always get cheered on for being a “ladies man”, but if a women were to do the same, they will always be looked down upon.”

      Yes. You are right. Guess who is often the biggest cheerleaders? Women!!!

      Women do LOVE the ladies man. So, these men have solid allies in women as well as enablers.

      Women get to lay out the specs on what they want in a man. Fine. So, why cannot we as men get to do the same with women?

      • If men are being harmed because of the way women are raised I think they should raise concern.

        And one way that women often harm other women is indeed by slut-shaming. It seems to be because many women feel threatened by attractive women. And that’s because we value women so much based on looks. I would like a world where we value women for so much more.

  23. The notion that men must make the first move creates pressure on both sides. Males feel like they have to do something and females play a waiting game because they think that they are not obligated to show interest. I think this double standard is kind of pointless because going out is a two-way street and both parties should be contributing. I also think the double-standard with sex has gotten way too out of hand. Women shouldn’t be condemned for it while men get celebrated. I think this double-standard really limits women while it lets men think they can do whatever they want. Being “celebrated” for the ability to sleep around is why I think many males have prideful personalities because they feel like they are unstoppable by society’s judgments. I understand that gender differences existed in earlier times but society’s culture nowadays has grown to accept many things like races and sexual orientation so I feel like double standards regarding sex and dominance should be more diminished than it is. Men and women should be able to do the same things in relationships without feeling humiliated or vulnerable.

  24. I also see the double standard is weakening, and there is confidence on both sides: women are becoming more independent and confident and men are finding this very attractive in women.

  25. That’s not what I mean. It’s still considered weird and looked down on to settle for a beta if you have a choice. Most women would rather be with an alpha because the overall physical pleasure is so much more. They don’t say it like that but that’s the primal need driving them.

    • It’s not considered weird. Most women marry betas.

      It also depends on your definition of beta. The researchers who pointed out that most women marry them are talking about men who are kind and generous, as opposed to domineering alphas who prefer to have lots of women rather than just one wife. Maybe you are talking about a different definition of beta.

  26. If women really wanted beta males they would have gotten together and decided as a class to empower and support them. The fact that they didn’t means that their preferences are biological.

      • “Well, they marry them.”

        Yes, because they serve a function. Usually financial and security related.

        If women wanted betas, then why do we have a record number (more than 50%) of single women today?

        I truly believe now that women no longer need beta men for that prescribed function they are rejecting beta men. To marry a beta man today is to “settle.” Most younger well-educated and financially independent women do not want these men for romantic purposes.

        Btw, not all alpha men are domineering and oppressive as you seem to think. We are just in control of our lives and we lead. Women like leaders! They like for a man to plan the date! They like the idea that we can protect them. The like our dominance in the bedroom.

        No other group of men are cheated on by women than beta men. Do you think the over 50% of women who cheat today are cheating on alpha men?

      • You underestimate how much women like to marry their best friend. Someone who is your best friend and always there for you, shares your interests and is a lot of fun to be with is not a domineering guy who chases other women — that’s torture.

        Also you underestimate how important emotional intimacy is in sex. You don’t get that with Alphas.

        There are a record number of single women largely because of changes in our economy combined with the fact that women can support themselves.

        Traditional manufacturing jobs that once allowed men to support a family are pretty much gone due to automation and off-shoring, which creates a huge redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the very top. Some at the top don’t want a backlash against that redistribution that favors them so they fund think tanks to feed ideas that immigrants are the problem. And because of human nature and our history of immigrant-bashing since the very start of America, blaming immigrants is very effective at distracting people.

        So women increasingly find themselves in a situation where they can support themselves and don’t feel like also supporting a man who doesn’t have a job. It feels like having a giant baby, another mouth to feed, who won’t even help around the house and may be abusive if he has a macho attitude.

        I don’t think women bother cheating on alpha men. They just leave them.

  27. Women are the gatekeepers of sex. They always have been so.

    So, how is that the gender that has full control over sex a victim of such power?

    “I feel very confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. I take my him out on dates, treat him, and pay for things. And he is confident enough to let me.”

    This is your CLASSIC beta male. It is this kind of man that MOST women find repulsive. Women crave men who lead. Men who are independent. Men who traditional and masculine.

    Maybe this is one of your students who is quite young.

    • This is one of my students who is quite young.

      The thing is that in American culture both men and women tend to find confident people attractive.

      That doesn’t mean that anyone wants to be led by other people. I’m sure most sexist women probably do, at least in theory, but that’s not all women. And I say at least in theory because I grew up in a very conservative religion with a lot of sexist women. One of my friends wanted to marry a macho, sexist man and did. But then she divorced him because she didn’t like the reality of living with a sexist man. Another one of my friends also wanted the same thing and she also ended up divorced, after going through years of emotional distress.

      • “I’m sure sexiest women probably do, at least in theory, but that’s not all women.”

        Are you saying sexy women? or the sexiest of women?

        If it is the sexiest of all women, why do you believe the sexiest of women want to be led by men. I have my thoughts. Curious to hear your point of view on this.

      • Well I guess you will be disappointed. But thanks for catching my spelling error. I use voice-activated software and need to proofread more.

        The most sexist women like the idea of being led by men. That will probably clear things up.

  28. Some of what you say is true, but I believe you have totally underestimated the power of a woman’s sexuality.

    • Sexuality is a traditional source of power for women in patriarchy but it has great limits. It’s a power that is used to get people with real power to do what you want. And you can hardly get everything with it.

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