Men Needn’t Hate Pretty Women

angry-manThere must be a lot of men who hate pretty women because Google constantly brings them — or people who want to understand them – to me via this post: “Men Who Hate Pretty Women.”

They come, and they say things like this:

Beauty makes me extremely angry, so much that I can’t stand to look at beautiful women in the street … She’d want somebody taller, richer, more muscular, more handsome, more whatever it is that women want.

Or this:

When women hit puberty and realize the power femininity gives them they use it as a tool of attraction and elevate themselves as entitled to deserve the best.

Or this:

Until recently I hated one gorgeous girl, I think she is the most beautiful woman ever. I had hated her until she approached me and said that she liked me… As silly as it sounds, she didn’t become my girlfriend. (For one thing) I felt guilty about hating her.

And then there are women’s experiences:

This is a big deal…im a very attractive woman…but i dont flaunt it or dress up– in fact i dress down…however…in 15 years of being a beautiful woman…ive noticed only negativity and HATRED aggressiveness from MALES and this goes for anyone– random strangers…people at social outings…men literally LOATHE me…its so confusing…

The guys typically feel they can do nothing about it and often tell women to cover up their bodies to protect themselves from their rage.

Yet one thing never seems to occur to these guys. As one woman put it:

Doesn’t it ever occur to men that they can change something if it’s not working out for them?

I used to get my sense of beauty and significance by the men I could get attention from or find me attractive, but I deprogrammed myself out of it. I shouldn’t be able to do that according to nature because it’s a drive of mine, but I did. I think it’s the same for men.

As a woman, if I perceive something has “power” over me, I know this is an illusion, and I will change myself or my belief system and habits so it no longer has power, whether it be an addiction, an interaction, etc.

Men are not victims of us. Just as we don’t have to be victims of theirs.

It’s true: You can’t control other people. You can control yourself.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on November 21, 2016, in men, sex and sexuality and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 44 Comments.

  1. That goes both way “Women needn’t hate men”.
    Don’t really have to quote Andrea Dworkin or Valerie Solanas

  2. Ah the first blog post I see after a little over a year away from the blog world is yours. Serendipitous. As always your writing leads to reflection of what underlies my/our anger/hatred/rage towards the form of the female. I believe that with all things it is a projection of some unconscious conflict that did not get resolved or are being presented to us again . I am reminded of sitting out in front of Peets the other day and being happy when seeing pretty women walk by. I even commented to a friend of mine that fact when I was on the phone with him. What I always appreciate about your writings is they cant be answered or resolved in a paragraph or two. Awe full!! Jim

  3. “The guys typically feel they can do nothing about it”

    The guys? Hurrumph. You make it sound like this condition is normality for guys. I don’t doubt that there are a few guys who have been rejected by one too many pretty girls and develop a phobia about it, but let’s not kid ourselves that this is typical of the male condition.

    • I’m not talking about all guys. I’m talking about the guys I referred to in the first paragraph:

      “There must be a lot of men who hate pretty women because Google constantly brings them — or people who want to understand them – to me via this post: “Men Who Hate Pretty Women.””

      I know loads of wonderful men!

  4. It’s true: You can’t control other people. You can control yourself.”

    It sounds like these men actually “hate themselves” and it’s projection. They are projecting that hate they have of themselves or self loathing and placing it on pretty women, because it’s an easy target for such men/ and they don’t feel they can control themselves, because they feel powerless. If a person has a poor view of themselves or esteem, they will feel helpless from the negativity and anxiety and they will feel they don’t have control. I guarantee these guys feel they will be turned down approaching women or have and then don’t get over it and keep the grudge and then expect the worse. It’s a cycle of negativity or a hole that’s dug that these men feel they are powerless to get out of such rut. And pretty women are the “salt to this wound” or reminder of these men’s incompetence.

  5. This is an interesting article, and I love that there’s an answer out there for men to consider but even that, it is still difficult to do! And so I think that why don’t guys worry about themselves rather than worry on how attractive a lady looks! Because that’s where the problem begins.

  6. Definitely agree with the blog about switching out perspectives towards things we can’t change can make us feel different about situations that bothers us. Some of these men shouldn’t feel hatred towards beautiful women, what some men don’t realize is that, beautiful women often feel isolated. Beautiful women don’t get approached as much; men being intimidated, or have hatred towards them. You migh find it oddly strange that beautiful women are timid, hence seeming to be self centered.

  7. I often have asked what is beauty or what is it about beauty? When you can’t see you often go on personality or, if somebody comments on how attractive somebody looks I just take their word for it. but having said that, if I think of beauty as being about the personality that counts and that looks aren’t important, is this considered offensive or if one can’t see beauty this is justified?

    • Going beneath superficial surfaces to find beauty is perfect. And I don’t have a problem with men finding women physically beautiful. I do have a problem with hating for any reason, including because someone is beautiful or sexy.

  8. These men only seem to notice beautiful women, or at least have an obsession with them. Yet don’t like that women, like them, also want partner they’re attracted to. This idea is pervasive in our culture and something I’ve dealt with throughout my life. Middle/High school: Being vilified for not liking a guy back because he likes me and is nice about it, even though the guy doesn’t know anything about me other than finding me pretty. I was a terrible person for wanting attraction even though the same guys didn’t give attention to any girl they weren’t attracted to. Media: The not attractive/not “cool” guy likes the pretty popular girl who he doesn’t even know other than how pretty she is and that’s okay but she’s terrible for also liking her cool good looking peers. The few times the role is reversed, the girl has to transform into an attractive girl to get the guy’s attention, whereas in the former scenario the girl is expected to like him as he is and disregard initial attraction. In college I joined a sorority and fraternities that were considered “lower or middle” tier hated top tier sororities because they mostly hung out with the top tier Fraternities. This was considered an acceptable thing for them to rage about to the point we faced shaming if we didn’t hangout with the other fraternities more. Yet it never occurred to them that the middle tier or even lower tier fraternities weren’t all dying to host lower tier sororities. Nor did they ever face any kind of ridicule or shaming. It’s always women who have to accommodate men who may be interested in us and give them a chance just for showing interest in us while the irony of them only being interested in women they’re attracted to and ignoring the rest goes ignored. This mindset is what we need to tackle and dissect to put an end to this toxic reaction.

  9. The last line says it all!

    I was thinking of late of this notion, of men’s hatred of beautiful women. Some of my friends opine this happens actually as beautiful women don’t pay much heed to men. But, this is not true always.

  10. as I’ve said before physical beauty is often lost to me however, if somebody points out how attractive a woman is, coming from a sighted person’s perspective I just take the person’s word for it but I will confess that a person I did say that personality was more important than looks to felt highly offended as she had issues with self-confidence and hated anybody in her personal space which is starting to make me realize that some people are just so shallow.

  11. happy thanksgiving

  12. I summise as much. although friendship probably didn’t have much to do with it but in a way it does.

  13. This is something that I have seen a little of in the last few years in college. I wouldn’t say guys hated me necessarily, but they would asked out and the rejection I would give would hurt their egos. I do consider myself a pretty women, but I do not reject guys because I think I’m any better then them. It is easy for men to accuse women of rejection because they are insecure. It has nothing to do with how the women actually feels. I actually had a bad experienced with this about a week ago when my friends brought me to a small hidden bar. There was a middle aged man who clearly had way too much to drink. He came up to me and tried making advancements on me and my other friend. She was polite to him and I just hung on my guy friends arms as a form of protection. The man became agree that I was not recuperating the attention and literally chased us out of the bar calling me sexist names. He even tried starting a fight with my guy friend, but it became very clear that he would lose very quickly. All this because I hurt his drunk ego.

    • Thanks for adding your perspective to this. 🙂

      • Women are called the emotional and sensitive ones, but you see with this crap from some guy’s. It’s actually guy’s who seem more sensitive than women. Anyway, that’s some crazy restraint brittany’s guy friend had in that situation. I know you want to control yourself and not get in fights. And that’s true for me. I have a hot temper, but was only in like 2 fights and that was like when I was in elementary and middle school. Despite my A type personality and temper, like I can get really mad, but I’d have to be attacked or something to get in a physical fight or confrontation with a man. But it’s one of those things. Like say a bar or sports arena.

        A man could throw a cup of ice on me and be a dick and though mad, I don’t want to cause a problem or it’s not the way to handle something and would still hold off despite being really upset. But like a threat or something get’s thrown say at my sister, a female friend I’m with, my little nephew, family members, etc. And it’s game on and there will be a confrontation there or fight. I am protective, not overly but it pisses me off if or when men do shit like that to women and it would be hard for me to hold back if that situation happened with me at a bar with a girlfriend or friend that’s a girl that I like. It would be hard for me to not want to make that dick head to pay for his bullshit or scare or whatever to my friend. Like he does that to me individually, i’m not happy, but would just walk away. But someone else that I care about, it’s weird, it;;s another story. I think that’s pretty common for guys though and this protective nature.

      • I think that men and women are both sensitive but that the way we are socialized affects how it’s expressed. What you describe goes more with how guys are socialized. Interesting thoughts.

  14. It’s funny how some men have this negativity towards women’s beauty. These guys deserve the best as anyone else and would result in settling for someone up to par. A women’s beauty is breath taking and it feels as if time has slowed down when you find that special someone. These type of guys need to have more confidence towards beautiful women. The worst thing that these women can do is say no unless the male said or did something inappropriate then the male would receive a earful or a hand across the face. I also need more confidence like these guys and I am slowly changing that as well as these guys should too. Change is hard but everything needs time and patience.

  15. YES. Although I think this is even worse for women looking at other women. There can be so much negativity from woman to woman when one is more stereotypically more attractive than the other. Part of this I believe is that women are trained to compete with one another in every way. From celebrity magazines posting photos of two women wearing the same outfit with the caption “who wore it better?” to movies about married women being threatened by younger more attractive women trying to steal their husbands. In some ways we feel the need to qualify every attractive woman that we see with a comment like “she’s actually very funny”, “don’t worry she’s down to earth”, or worse “I bet she’s a bitch”. Pretty women can’t simply just exist like the rest of us, they need some sort of thing that makes them more relatable. Its a double standard that exists in both men and women in regards to pretty woman.

  16. Personally, I observe patterns in my own composure when in the presence of attractive women. Take for example, entering a new classroom as a student, or diving into a new work force as the latest of youth enterprise. My initial reaction to noticing an attractive girl at my place of business is to have the quickest of mental celebrations. I find human beauty to be a precious quality, and an electrifying, zest-giving feature to behold. What happy chance it is to stumble upon paragon allure. Subsequently, one or two eventualities may come to fruition: I take on an exaggerated indifference to such a person with the straightforward resolve that I, with full and uncompromising resolution, will simply not partake in the pandering masses that undoubtedly shadow aesthetically-gifted women. The objective isn’t to assume standoffish disposition for the sake of nastiness. Rather it’s an inability to stomach canonizing an already thoroughly exalted member of our looks-based culture.

  17. I think most of the pretty women are so conceited. Personally, I do like pretty women, but it would be much nicer if they have more going for them than just looks, because looks wear thin after a while for everybody, but also good personalities make women ever more beautiful even as they age. On the other hand, why pretty women always end up with ugly guys ? I have seen a lot of them.

  18. I think that goes for women as well, like disliking handsome men. it usually has to do with a bad experience in their life like rejection. And I think that goes for men as well with pretty women, having a bad experience with a pretty women that lead to rejection. But turning to hatred for those types of experiences, doesn’t sound right because not everyone is like that.

  19. I feel so sorry for those pretty women, for their destiny. In Chinese, there is a word said that “beautiful women suffer unhappy fates. ” In the history, it always happened that the king forgot his duty or his job because he puts all his time on the pretty women, but it’s not king’s false, it’s all because of the beauty. No one wants to get king’s shirt off, they only can blame on those innocent pretty women. It is unfair that historians always attribute the fall of kingdoms to Helen of Troy. Not only in the history, it keeps happening to my friend today. My friend is really a pretty girl, but just because her beauty, she always been left out by other girls. She’s easy to get jealous of others, and always afraid that someone would rape her when she is alone.
    As it said before “Men are not victims of us. Just as we don’t have to be victims of theirs.”

    • A therapist who specialized in adolescent girls when said she thought the luckiest girls were those who weren’t extremely pretty or extremely unattractive because they got partners who cared about them. And they are less likely to get teased than the other two types.

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