I recently admitted my surprise that some people find handholding more intimate than a hand job.

And I admitted that, for me, the “aloof intimacy” of non-emotional sex ranges from unappealing to disturbing.

And then I asked people who saw things differently — both on my blog and among my friends — to tell me how they felt.

Here’s what they said — plus a few more thoughts:

We are simply wired for sex

A guy I know who I’ll call “Rocky” said:

We are a lot more like our primate ancestors than we think. They don’t need emotional connection, and neither do we. Apes? Us? We all need sex.

We are wired for sexual gratification, so why not? Religion hates anything that gives us pleasure — who knows why? We need to get out of that trap.

I agree that religion too often deems anything pleasurable “wrong.” The Taliban instituted the perfect Islamic state by banning music and kite flying. “The seven deadly sins” include gluttony and lust…

At the same time, are we just like animals? Humans live in a symbolic world — much more than animals do. So the same behavior can mean different things in different cultures, and vary from person to person.

Apparently, entering someone’s body means something very different to me than to Rocky.

Or to a lot of other people:

Several said that physical intimacy simply did not feel intimate. Which I still don’t get, but okay.

We have the right to determine our privacy setting

In the comments section I asked this question:

How do you experience becoming so physically intimate as to enter someone else’s body, or have your body entered, or fondled, while maintaining a sense of emotional remoteness?

Especially when all of us have probably grown up in a society that teaches us that we have our “private parts.” We grow up learning that and then suddenly those private parts are just opened up to anyone? I don’t mean to sound judgmental (although I realize I may). I just don’t get it, and I’m trying to understand.

One answer: We have the right to determine our own privacy settings, says Vagabond Urges:

I conceptually applaud women for embracing the idea of “aloof intimacy” in the sense that it’s a (roundabout) step towards dissolving our gender stereotypes, just as I applaud men for questioning its appeal. For me, it’s yet another case of letting each person decide their own opinion, and determine their own experience of it, unpressured by gender roles or expectations. If you want to view hand holding as more intimate: go for it! If you want to view intercourse as the ultimate sanctity: go for it!

As for “private parts”, I see that much the same way. Everyone has a right to their privacy, and bodily….let’s say…safety? Only being touched when, where, and by whom they choose. But by the same token, I endorse everyone’s right to determine their own privacy setting, so to speak. (Too much facebook in our lingo, these days!) If someone wants to dance around and let people caress them? I wholeheartedly endorse it. If someone wants to maintain an ironclad bubble of personal space? I endorse that too. (Though I doubt it’s psychologically healthy.) I think most folks fall somewhere between the two, in that luscious gray area.

And actually, breaking taboos can increase excitement — making “pleasure parts” even more pleasurable.

Entering private parts: a doorway to self-esteem

Moving to a whole other set of symbols, entering someone’s private parts can be a doorway to self-esteem.

Becoming sexually active means you have entered adulthood, manhood, womanhood and accrue the rewards, therein. Unless women are slut-shamed, and then self-esteem drops.

Scoring!

And some men have sex hoping to gain points in a game where bedpost notches keep score. This game depends on the double standard: if a woman will risk her reputation to sleep with a man, then 1) he must be pretty darn special and 2) he has managed to conquer her, getting her to “submit.”

Women face a no-win situation in this game. If they have sex their reputations suffer. If they suppress their desire, they repress their sexuality. And in the long run, this harms men, too, as women lose interest in sex as an outcome of repression.

But some women also have sex with men, hoping to feel beautiful. “She” assumes that “he” wants sex with her because he finds her so attractive — a big ego boost.

Emotion-free, distraction-free sex

One woman said that distracting emotions would have been overwhelming when she was first exploring sex in college:

I would certainly have called hand-holding more intimate than sex. I needed to see physical intimacy and emotional intimacy as separate… they were both new, big things to learn to handle as an adult! Getting a handle on the mechanics of naked bodies in close proximity in a way that minimized embarrassment and maximized enjoyment for the participants was hard enough without thinking about emotions at the same time.

Handholding: More intimate than sex?

Those who felt that handholding was more intimate than sex thought along these lines:

• Hand holding is more intimate. It shows that I’ve chosen this person to be with me outside of just what our private parts are doing. They are my partner. Sex can be just sex. A physical release of pleasure shared between two adults.
• Of course sex CAN be way more intimate, when you’re with a partner who knows you very well. But that’s not the only kind of sex, nor is it the only kind of good sex… I think holding hands with someone implies a more permanent choice. It means that not only do you care, but you don’t mind other people knowing it. It’s a symbol of coupledom whereas sex might just be a fun night or a way to get some release.
• 

  Free to be you and me

  I think intimacy is emotional, not physical. It’s not really about which body parts I’m using but the things I’m feeling. Love and lust are two different things. I don’t think of it as aloof intimacy because it’s not really intimate at all, nor is it necessarily aloof. It’s passionate and sexy, but the focus is on pleasure and bodily sensation.

Feeling free to be me

I’ll admit that sex without emotional intimacy still doesn’t sound appealing to me. But:

Whether you’re someone who needs intimacy to enjoy sex, or someone who doesn’t but still enjoys consensual sex — while doing no harm, I hope that we can all let go of the social pressures that create inauthentic experiences or that work to shame who we are.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs

• Handholding: More Intimate Than Sex?
• Women Want Casual Sex? Yes and No
• Sex minus Emotion; Emotion minus Sex