Do Men Want Women To Ask Them Out?
Some guys wonder why women don’t ask men out. Some women wonder how men would feel if they did. So I asked guys in my women’s studies class for their thoughts.
Out of a class of 46 I’ve just got nine men (this is women’s studies, after all) — and only seven of them showed up in time to take the survey, so this is a very small sampling. And between a willingness to take that class and living in the Bay Area, they may be more liberal than most.
Here’s what I asked them:
Has a woman ever asked you out? If yes, what did you think and why? If no, would you like a woman to ask you out, or would it make you feel uncomfortable? Should it be socially acceptable for women to ask men out?
And here’s what they said:
Most of them – six – said they had been asked out. Five of them liked it. One said, “I want to think about and value her first.”
Several were surprised, since it goes against gender norms. Most thought they were asked out because they were too shy to make the first move. One guy said,
I was surprised. Mostly because I had feelings for her as well.
Another said,
I liked her too, so it was good.
At least one liked it so much that she is now his girlfriend.
I was asked out to the prom by my current girlfriend. I found it a little surprising but the feeling wasn’t what I would call emasculating. To be honest it made me feel a little lazy for not asking first. But she put a lot of effort into how she asked me. I did feel a sense of role reversal, but it’s fine. I love her.
Another guy said,
It’s nice to be asked out. I’m more than happy about it. But I haven’t been asked by a girl I’m interested in.
And another added,
I liked the gesture. I wasn’t uncomfortable at all.
All of the guys thought it should be socially acceptable for women to ask men out. A 2013 Match.com survey also found 92% of single men feeling comfortable with women asking them out.
Another 2011 study found that when it comes to preference – most women prefer to be asked out, and most men prefer to do the asking. I’ll discuss why that might be more later. But that may be the biggest reason why women don’t typically ask men out. On some level they are aware that most men prefer to do the asking.
But that said, most of the men who were asked out felt flattered, and some ended up with girlfriends.
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Posted on February 14, 2014, in feminism, gender, men, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged feminism, gender, men, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women, women ask men out. Bookmark the permalink. 76 Comments.
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First and foremost I like this article. It’s uplifting and inspiring to see that women are making the first move and that the men in the situation did not feel “small” or “inferior”. It’s coincidental that I stumbled upon this blog post due to me and my friend’s conversation the other day: I was advising her to just go for it (confess to the guy that she likes); make that first move! – that she’ll never know how he feels unless she goes in head first (haha). Me personally I felt a sort of weight being lifted off my chest when I confessed to a guy that I liked in high school. Like the men in the survey, he was taken aback, stood there staring at me -all the while my anxiety, fear, and heart is going into overdrive! – and finally answered by offering me a sweet smile^^ we ended up dating but ended it after 3-months 😝 Overall, ladies don’t be afraid to make the first move because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck torturing yourself to sleep with the what-if game 😒
I’d have to say no. I thought I’d like it until it happened to me. It made me very uncomfortable, even though I liked the woman. All of a sudden I felt like her self esteem was in my hands, and I felt obligated to say yes just for that reason. Then I felt manipulated. I ended up buying time by telling her I’d get back to her, then I called her later and politely declined. It felt like a mean thing to do, but I felt like I had no choice.
Well, thanks for your honesty.
It seems out of the gender role norm for a woman to ask out a man but I did it with my current boyfriend and he was more than flattered. He explained that it takes a lot of confidence for a women to take on the “masculine role” to ask out a man, finding it attractive. I can understand how some men do not find that attractive as they are the ones who have been expected to ask out the women but I believe that in today’s society, women are accepting more of a masculine role as men are accepting more of a feminine role. Our culture is more accepting of this idea which is why I believe more women should take the chance and switch up these gender roles.
To answer this question succinctly: No
I’m sorry but I can’t believe what I am reading. Men: it is your job to pursue the girl. What is going on in the US?
Thanks for your opinion. But check out my comment policy.
Im sorry, but I cannot believe what I am reading.It is a man’s JOB to pursue the girl? Talk about entitlement? What is going on in the U.S?
Since most men prefer porn to dating , women will be forced to ask men out for dates , whether they like it or not !
Hmmm, now why would a woman want to date a man who prefers porn to her?
I believe that women and men should be equally able to ask each other out in order for both to be truly empowered and on equal terms. But if a woman met a guy like that I’d advise her to run away as fast as she could.
Honestly, guys are beyond disappointing when it comes to expectations. Especially when there is only a small window of opportunity. Ive been in plenty of situations where I’m talking to a guy and were connecting really well yet he never makes a move, whether it be physical, attempting to get my number or hang out again. I don’t know whether they are scared of being rejected or whether they actually aren’t enjoying our current conversation ect but its sad how often I feel the need to initiate things. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a girl asking a guy out, however, it is much more flattering and enjoyable when a guy makes the first move. It shows something positive because you know their interested as well as it shows they are confident and empowered. So girls: don’t miss your window of opportunity if it feels right and guys: step up your game, don’t be shy, women love attention.
This article really captured my attention because of the fact that i was the one that asked my current boyfriend out for our first date. As far as I know I’m definitely the only girl that I know of that actually asked someone out on a date. To be honest I probably wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t because of a dare and liquid courage. However beside asking out my current boyfriend I have asked someone else out on a date with the encourage of my friend. It was definitely a nerve racking experience because girls are usually the one that get asked out and perhaps reject the guy. So it was different being on the other side and hoping someone will accept your question of going on a date and the possibility of being rejected. How ever though I think that guy are definitely more open to the idea of being asked out on a date and don’t feel emasculating. How ever though I do wonder if it’s only a acceptable action among younger generation compared to older generations. Being that perhaps a female asking a male out on a date was something that would never happen.
As a guy, I would love it if it was more socially acceptable for girls to as the guys out. However, at society’s current level, girls taking the initiative is not shunned so to speak, but it is not the preferred format because patriarchy taught us that men should always take the initiative. The underlying meaning in this is negative as it still place greater emphasis on men as compared to women, but I cannot deny that the chivalry feels nice.
I personally prefer to take the initiative when it comes to dating, but it is difficult because sometimes the asking someone out, but I don’t think it is a natural preference; it is a preference that I developed because I know if my preference was the other around, it will not be seen as masculine.
I think this article is very interesting because it is so true. For me as a female, I had never asked a guy out too. I feel like it is kind of embarrassing to ask a guy out. It makes me seems to be so desperate and because no guys wants to ask me out and that’s why I need to make the first move. I am afraid guys will be freaked out if I ask them out as usually it is done by the guys. However, actually I think I should be more brave and try to ask the guys that I like to go out with me. As if I just sit there and keep waiting, the guy may not realize that I am interested in him and my chance to get to know him more will slip away.
You keep on using the term “men prefer to ask women out” most of the men I met from different countries are not “preferring” but rather feeling it is up to them to do as the a default …
In fact I have yet to find a guy that said that he would be offended if a girl will approach him and as long as you address the question currently – in my opinion you will never find a guy from our generation that doesn’t want a girl to ‘hit on him’
the term men prefer too is just wrong in my opinion and if any one challenges that I would say present me the way that you have placed the question and I will show you how you would have got the right answer – no manipulation needed – just the right answer to the right question !
Based on my own survey data, And that of others, the vast majority of men are not offended by being asked out. Plenty of them like it.
But if you look at the large-scale survey you also find that most men SAY they prefer to ask women out. That’s men saying it. I’m just reporting what they said. If you don’t want to believe the data, That’s up to you.
I think now a days it is common for woman to ask out a guy. Even though most men prefer to ask a girl out. I personally have some guy friends that have been asked out by girls many times and they would always be flattered by the girl asking. But sometimes they would feel a little uncomfortable just because of the way they asked or came about telling the man. I personally think that some guys need a woman to ask them out because they are to shy or to scared of being hurt. But I think men really like to be the one to ask the women out no matter what the situation.
I had a bad experience in asking a guy out. I guess I came onto him too strongly enough where I got rejected. Enough where I will never ask a guy out ever again. Took a lot for me to ask someone out. I agree with Ikuo that in other countries, its the females who show the appreciation towards the men. Where they take them out and shower them with presents unlike in the USA. It’s very surprisingly how different the other countries are. Especially when they don’t have many female rights there unlike the USA. And yet females can be the one to approach men and ask them out or show them that they like them more than friends. When it comes in America, it makes me feel humiliated and embarrassed to ask someone out. I tend to get second doubts if they are attracted to me or not. I believed that in the more younger generations, men are more accepting for females to ask them out unlike the older generations, where the tradition for men asking the females out are embedded to them.
In which countries are women equally likely to ask men out? I’m not aware of them?
From what I know, in Taiwan and Japan, the females would send cute love letters and presents to the guy they like. Ask the guy to meet her somewhere to confess how she likes him a lot. Then the guy can choose to reject or accept her. And I do know that for Valentine’s day, usually, in the United States, it would be the males who do everything and take their girlfriends/wives out. It’s the opposite in Asia, especially, in Taiwan. It’s the girl who do everything and shower their guy presents and taking him to places. I’m very surprised on how different it is there.
The same behavior can have different meanings in different cultures or contexts.
If a man opens the door for a woman, it could be seen as A demonstration of superior strength. Or as a courtesy.
If a young person opens the door for an old person, it can be seen as reflecting greater strength on the part of the young person.
When the President walks into Congress for the State of the Union address, someone opens the door for him (so far they’ve all been men) as a mark a courtesy.
Or, like dowry in patriarchy’s is interpreted in ways that benefit men, no matter where the payment goes. In some cultures a man pays money to get a Woman, and she becomes his property. In other cultures the woman’s family pays the husband because now that family is seen as having the responsibility of supporting her.
I was reading about a “Husband worship” holiday In India where women shower men with gifts, which reminds me a bit of what you described above about women taking the initiative to show interest in men. In Taiwan and Japan, which are both patriarchal, the expectation could be interpreted as some form of giving men extra respect.
In the United States men are expected to take the lead because men are expected to be active and leaders, whereas women are expected to be passive and follow a male lead.
I guess most people, regardless of gender, are afraid of being rejected when asking a man/woman out, and I personally feel the same as a man too. I also believe most of us feel good when being asked out even if the person was not someone that is attractive to you, and I feel the same as a man too. I haven’t see any women who asked me out as desperate but I rather appreciated their courage. It is common in many countries that women are the one to send a man feelers to show they are actually interested in him, and men, on the other hand, are supposed to read those signals sent from a woman and make the first move. We regardless of gender can and should ask a person out if he/she is really attractive to you.
As a man that has been asked out in the past I see nothing wrong with it. It took the stress and anxiety out of doing it. I did not feel uncomfortable nor did I feel less of a man. I hope soon that the gender roles that are forced upon us no longer exist. For men I believe it is all about pride and the fact that we should be in charge. I think it would be an awesome thing to have this taboo go away. Women should never be afraid to ask someone out, you never know the guy might just be to afraid.
As a woman when I’m interested in a man, I will send signals in his direction. If he can’t pick up on the signals and have the strength to ask me out I feel it is a bit of a turn off. This is a modern times,where things are very different from the past. When you have a whole new group of trend setters known as metro sexuals, a group of heterosexual men who dress in a feminine fashion opening seeking heterosexual relationships. I can see how this can be confusing for both men and women and the youth of our generation. With that being said I feel that we are still hardwired for our primal instinct.
I guess society has put men as the ones who are supposed to ask women out if they are interested in them. Its part of the whole gender role specifications. It not very common for women to be the ones making the first move because they are seen as too forward and blunt. Some men like it, and feel flattered , while some men actually enjoy the whole chasing game. And we all know us women love being chased too. Now a day i would say its a lot better, women are more empowered to go out there and be the first ones to express how they feel and ask guys out. At the same time I think women would probably take rejection really hard since its not what they are usually used to.
I found the blog quite interesting because I honestly did not think so many men would be more than flattered if asked out. It shows the progress of our society. The patriarchal norms are distinguishing because back then only men were included in the public life, so they held the upper hand in everything. However, I think by taking the initiate to ask men out (a small gesture), self-confidence of women would only boost. Moreover, with men’s approval of this small gesture, women will feel more liberated from the long enforced gender roles. They will feel free to achieve anything that they set their mind to in the men-dominated world and can create their own place. Also, the blog addressed the issue that men wonder “why women don’t ask men out. Some women wonder how men would feel if they did”. I think because our gender roles have been imposed from so long ago, everybody still takes those roles into consideration, such that men take the decision, men are suppose to ask girls out because it is the masculine thing to do. These roles have been of the patriarchal nature however, views and norms are changing any every little step counts.
I honestly don’t understand why men are always expected to ask the women out in a relationship. No matter what gender you are, if you are interested in that certain someone romantically, it should be your job to ask them out or let them know that you’re interested in them, not the other way around. It just seems weird to me how men are always expected to make the first move, even though some men could be shy in taking the initiative.
I have had two relationships in the past, one beginning with me asking the woman out and the other with me being asked out by the woman. In both situations, yes was the answer to the simple question and from my opinion, it feels really good from both perspectives. When you ask someone out, and they say yes, you feel confident and at the same time, make yourself look like you take the initiative. And when you get asked out, you feel very flattered, knowing that some people find you attractive enough to spend more time with them.
Both sides of the coin bring both positive and negative qualities in the situation, there is no better way, whether it is the man asking the woman out, or the woman asking the man out.
My girlfriend invited me to her senior prom, I assume because she was the older one of the both of us but the way she asked me out was more memorable than how I asked her out my senior year. It makes me wonder if girls would be better at it.
It would be nice if a woman ask a man out some time. I think it like wise. Men and woman both face the same dilemma. If a man asks a woman out, the first thing will come in mind is hoping that she wouldn’t shut him down. This goes for the woman as well, hoping the men wouldn’t shut her down too. For me, I prefer to ask the woman out because it shows her that I have the courage to step up my game and ask her out. And another reason is that if you wait to long then I might miss my chance asking her out.
I recently saw a comedy movie in which a very beautiful woman was going on a blind date with a man who was far from what she was expecting. The date was needless to say, catastrophic. The man turned out to be very controlling, rude and macho. Through out the date he pretended to be a “gentleman” by ordering for her, not letting her decide, out his hand around her “waist” when opening the door, etc. The woman was put in really awkward and even dangerous situations in which she even had no control even for her safety when the man takes her to a “party” which turned out to be a gangster party and since he had rented a limo she depended on him for transportation back to her place. This was a comedy and so it showed the situation in a funny way, but I couldn’t help to think that when men ask women on dates they somehow have the upper hand in what the date would be like and sometimes the woman get out in very strange and awkward situations. I think it would be great that women ask for men out on dates. It would be interesting and nice to know what women would do besides the whole cliché of dinner thing. I have a feeling sometimes men follow this norm because of the feeling of rejection and so if a woman would take the lead it would give a little more space to both to be themselves from day one. Also, in regards to my movie reference, women would have more control of the situation and would feel more comfortable even with their own safety because no one want to ever be out in awkward dangerous situations on first date.
I, too have been in the situation before. I’ve known the guy since we were in middle school, as we got into our high school years I always thought he was adorable and I’ve always kind of been around him because we had a lot of mutual friends. I always waited for HIM to ask me out because back then, that’s what I was taught . Boys should ask girls out and that was that. Long story short I went through high school always somewhat hinting I liked him but he never asked me out. However, After high school we reconnected as friends, but I got the nerve up and I asked him out because I felt like okay I waited and waited and now here is my chance I am going to take it. Asked him out, and even though he seemed surprised I did that, (because he had a stunned look on his face) he accepted. I took him out, I paid, and after that we have been together ever since. Engaged to get married this year ! I think times have changed a lot and for woman sometimes you feel like if you really have an interest in someone you have to just go for it. I think a lot of woman have that mind set these days. It’s a positive mindset too, because even if you do get shot down you tried.
Personally I don’t think anything is wrong with a girl asking a guy out. But if your mindset is still back in the older days then yeah that may be uncomfortable for you. And as stated above, some men feel de-masculated by this gesture and will say no sometimes. But I asked my date to prom and he was just as excited as I would probably be if I asked him. The only thing I personally would feel uncomfortable with would be a girl asking a guy to marry her. If she has the guts then hey by all means go for it, but its something I personally wouldnt do. Girls shouldn’t be scared to ask guys out but I just say be careful. The number one reason women don’t is because they don’t want to get rejected. But there are many, many women who have asked a man out and may still be with them to this day.
I do not believe it should be a man’s job to ask a girl out, however I personally like the authority and power I am given when being asked out. I feel like women are often pushed to the side and come “second” to men, but when a guy asks me out, it is ultimately up to me to decide yes or no. Although I enjoy the satisfaction of making the final decision, I really respect a girl that goes beyond the expectation and asks a guy out. I do not think asking a guy out seems desperate at all, if anything it shows her confidence.
I had been through this situation “asking men out”. When I was in high school, I asked a guy out who was always teasing me and be nice with me sometimes in class. He started ask me out first, but I couldn’t go because I had to celebrate my grandpa’s birthday with my big family. Later on, I took all my courage to ask him out, and YES he agreed. We had a lot of fun on that day and really enjoyed it. It could be called ” a date” for others, however, it didn’t mean like that for us. We both realized that we could just ended as being friend to each other. I did ask him how he feel if girls ask him out, and he said it would be fine for him if that girl is an attractive girl or a nice girl. He said:”No body could go out with the one that they don’t see any interested in them, doesn’t matter guy or girl, they both would think the same way.” Half is true. Half is not. With people who live in patriarchy society or who are not open-minded, they would think that’s not right for girls who initiate asking guys out and they could judge them as a flirty or easy girl. Other, some guys believe that doesn’t matter to them who ask who out, because guys said they sometimes are shy and cannot start to ask girls first. Besides, there are some men would accept the invitation, but they don’t take it seriously, just want to play with girls or have sex on first date or something else. However, for me, I think it depends on what girls should know or how they think and choose the one whom they want to ask out. I would never ask a guy out if I don’t know anything about him yet, especially his personality.
this post was interesting . I agree that “most” men think that they’re the ones responsible for asking the girl out first instead of her.
However in my experience I’ve been asked out three times but I refused them all because I was taught that guys are the ones who make the first move rather than girls. Now that I think about it to me it really does not matter who makes the move first because at the end of the day its really just a question.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m glad the conversation has gotten you to examine your taken for granted ways of thinking a bit.
This was an interesting read. I wonder if you had given this survey outside of a women’s studies class, specifically maybe to a group of men participating in a sports team or a class that was mostly filled with just men. I think the answers would be interesting and have an added perspective from different type of people men hang out with that influences their decision/thoughts on women asking men out.
Yes. Of course, it would help if I talked something other than women’s studies.
At least I did run into some larger-scale research that suggests that the guys in my class aren’t so different from average.
I’ve had women do the initiating through signals and whatnot (thought it’s painfully long ago for me–ha ha), but never had one just come right out and ask me out. Okay, in college I had one or two (women I’d never talked to) just walk into my dorm room, but nothing happened then because I thought we weren’t each others’ type or I was sure they were dating someone else. If only I had it to do all over again. Or not, who knows? People, including my ex-wife after leaving me, told me after my divorce that women would probably ask me out. Never happened. I think it’s too conservative around here for that, in my generation at least, though perhaps if I were younger and had any degree whatsoever of “hotness” at all, well, who knows?
Thanks for sharing. It’s good to get a variety of perspectives on different people’s experiences.
I personally have never asked a man out, one reason being is that I am shy and don’t like rejection. Another reason is simply because I feel like it is the man’s job to ask out the woman. Men are usually the ones to ask women out because it is what they were taught to do. I know growing up with my brothers, they would say that if a woman asked them out they would reject her because it would make her seem desperate. I don’t agree with this at all, but growing up and hearing them say this made me not want to make the first move because I didn’t want to come off as “desperate.”
I get that. One of the reasons I didn’t think that asking a man out would be acceptable was because I feared appearing desperate.
I would very much like to see us get beyond these ways of thinking.
Just a quick question – Sweden used to be like the US when it came to those stuff but now its complete far away from it, how do you account to the fact that there it is most likely a girl will be the one to approach the guy ?
I know that Sweden has a lot more gender equality than the US. Although I have no idea whether or not that stretches to women asking men out.
And I’m not an expert on Sweden. I know that as a culture they are quite egalitarian. And people who care about equality on one issue tend to care about it broadly. It’s just part of the culture. And then the government does certain things that encourages it. For instance, if men don’t take paternity leave they lose $1000 or something, And so they take it. And that leads to more equal parenting.
You can search through the internet and get an easy clue about whats going on in Sweden, plus I met Swedish people – the girls are the initiators in a lot of cases.
The government is not responsible for that – most of the comments from this girls are that do it is – the guys are to shy, they don’t approach.
Meaning in other words the pressure we talked about earlier is existing, the girls know that if they won’t go they will stay lonely (just like the average men in western society) same is happening now in Japan with the Grass-eating man.
My point is simple – I like the feminists for questioning everything the society believed about the females with regard to all traditions. I say that its the same about men – man’s nature is proving in places like Sweden and Japan not to be the approaches or sexual deviants society portrays men to be.
Yes, I don’t believe the stereotypes about men and have written about it a bit, as in these posts:
How Guys Think About Sex & Dating
Guys Are Getting More Romantic
Guys Just Wanna Have Relationships?
Guys: Romantic? Or Just Want One Thing?
As to why Swedish women are much more likely to approach men, it is surely because of gender equality.
When you live in a society of male dominance, where men are expected to be active and take on the leader role, while women are expected to be passive and take the follower role, you end up with women feeling uncomfortable taking on that active/leadership role.
And sure, the gender equality in Sweden is not solely because of the government. The Nordic countries simply have A history and culture that values equality, whether gender, race or social class.
But the government does play a role in gender equality when it comes to parenting and women’s participation in the workforce. When you give men financial incentives to take on A more equal parenting role, women participate more in the workforce, and men participate more at home.
btw, Since some of the things you have told me haven’t been accurate, I checked with a couple of my Swedish students to get their take on gender and dating in their native country. They both feel that, At least in the cities, it’s about 50-50 women and men approaching each other. Men are more likely to approach women in the countryside. I quote them below.
Here’s what one of my Swedish male students had to say on the ratio of women and men asking the other for date:
I’d say it’s pretty much 50/50. The way dates work in Sweden is very different from what I’ve seen here in America, the whole “the guy pays for everything” and all that 1950’s stuff doesn’t really exist in Sweden. Hook-ups at bars or clubs are probably instigated equally by guys and girls.
If the guy on your blog said it was more than 55/45 in favour of the girls I’d straight up dismiss it.
And here’s what one of my female students had to say:
I wouldn’t go so far to say that women are more likely than men to approach someone in Sweden. While it is definitely more common and accepted, it varies widely. In the hip inner-city crowds it’s probably quite common, most there are pretty aware of gender issues and more likely to go against stereotypes. In the countryside, I’d say it’s very rare for a girl to take the first step, unless she has a very assertive personality. And the common cultural notion that kids grow up on is that boys should take the first step, so it’s still something you have to unlearn in your teens.
That said, it is quite rare to be approached in Sweden in the first place, by a guy or girl. Swedish men won’t come up to you at random and try to chat you up, which is something I frankly find quite annoying here. I’m just trying to go about my day! There’s a time and place for that kind of stuff, at bars, parties or social events and men in Sweden know that. They are also better at taking a hint, and won’t keep nagging if you’ve turned them down. And I’ve never been harassed on the street in Sweden, never. Compared to several occasions here, and I’ve only been here 1½ years.
And I’ve noticed that the Nordic countries are sometimes painted as countries where the men cower in fear and women run the show. It’s a picture Swedish men sometimes buy as well, but it’s a very false one. Though maybe closer to egalitarian compared to other countries, they’re still Patriarchies, Sweden hasn’t even had a female prime minister yet!
so men asking women out don’t come off as “desperate” ?
Not just because they ask someone out. That’s the male role in our society, so they’re simply doing what is expected. Some guys could seem desperate of course. But that would be because of how they do it– Not the fact that they did it. On the other hand, because it’s considered the male role, if a woman breaches it, people might interpret it as desperate. They won’t necessarily, but since she doesn’t know, she could hold that fear, and that fear could hold her back.
So women have to wait around and settle with one of the men that approach her.
What if the men who do approach aren’t suitable for her?
She has to choose between an unsuitable partner that she doesn’t like and being alone?
I mean women are “notorious” for going shopping and trying to choose the very best they like.
What if women couldn’t choose which shops they can go and they could “choose” only what they were offered?
What if women couldn’t choose their occupation and they had to settle with what ever job they were offered?
I think that women DO choose the mate they want, they are just doing it more subtlety.
Picture the lady dropping her handkerchief. She chose the man that she wants to pick it up.
That’s why it sucks for women to feel like they have to wait around for men to ask them out. In addition to being disempowering and upholding A culture that says man must be active/Leaders and women must be passive/followers.
If women are particularly good at attracting men, of course they would have plenty of choice. Although some of the shy ones could still be off-limits.
I definitely think that the majority of men want women to ask them out. It is a way for them to feel superior to women. Indeed, if a woman asks a man out, it seems like the woman is the one who needs affection or attention (“she is the one in need”) and the man is the one who has the last word (“yes” or “no”). In that situation the woman is the most vulnerable, and the man has the power. Some men also think like women and are waiting for women to ask them out because they fear to be rejected.They want to feel important, loved, and feel the attention too. Finally, it is a way for them to express their manhood.
Lolita, “It is a way for them to feel superior to women.”does this statement means that girls want to keep things as they are regarding men asking them out because they have the ‘Last Word’ ?
Are you acknowledging female superiority ?
Maybe if both Genders have the rule of approaching both will have the rule also to say the last word …. and in the grander picture there is no superior gender – meaning there will be equality.
and regarding to manhood – as a female I ask you not to define something that you don’t know what it is … most man don’t ask out for the simple reason of rejection – not like girls, because it is their “duty” to ask out by social norms – maybe its girls that are afraid to be rejected like them…
how about women expressing their womanhood?
I am sorry Jean I don’t get your statement …
My statement was simple – If men are afraid of rejection, and women are afraid from rejection than I can’t claim it to be something masculine or feminine …
I don’t know what is womanhood … I don’t presume to know … but at the same time I know that it can’t be something both genders are in common with … which is from egalitarian point of view – is almost everything.
Men don’t have period I guess I can say safely this is part of womanhood right ?
Hold on wait ? what if a women doesn’t have a cycle due to a birth defect – should we consider her out of the picture now ?
I don’t like constructs that define individuals what they need to do and how they need to live … I would raise my kids to be careful, to not harm others and most importantly be happy ! I won’t grow them to be “masculine” or “feminine”… their happiness comes before mine happiness.
I was referring to Lolita about “men expressing their manhood”. I should have quoted it.
Its not manly to not want to ask out a girl and the opposite for the girls its not womanly to ask out a guy. This is Gender rules… that is being kept by social construct, a norm that should be broken.
Guys are just as fearful from rejection as girls are, there is no difference there – not even in the reaction to a failure, there are heartbroken suicidal guys everywhere. Making it a norm will just make it easier for men and women to connect to each other without one side feeling like he is being put in a shooting range ready to be shot down at a single word while the other side holds the gun.
Well, when asking a man out being a woman is not all that uncommon as we think. We may still be outdated in our thoughts of who should ask who out and what the norm should be. I personally have asked guys if they want to go out or hang out and I have never been turned down. The process of asking a guy out though did make a little nervous and feared rejection. I think it’s good to learn that perspective so we as women know how it feels to put yourself out there. Although I don’t think it’s a big deal to ask guys out I would never ask a guy to be my boyfriend or ask them out to a big event such as prom, a party or a work event. The most I would do is ask a guy to dinner or a concert. Big events I still feel more comfortable for a man to ask. In my opinion I don’t think role reversals are a big deal. If a man felt uncomfortable with me asking him out well he just isn’t enough of a man for me.
Ms. Erica – Thanks for the very honest post showing understanding, but I still wonder why you, as many, many women say, are more COMFORTABLE for a man to ask you out to “big” events. Still do not see how you would go along with the double standard.
“Men need to be loved. Women need to be wanted.”
Here’s the irony: researchers have shown that in the dating arena, women often are the
initiators of contact – two-thirds of the time (Moore, 1985). It’s just that they’re doing it unconsciously rather than deliberately, covertly rather than overtly, nonverbally rather than verbally. A casual glance and a smile in the direction of a man, a flipping of the hair, a turning of the body towards him – these are the subtle but unmistakable invitations to the man indicating your openness to interact. (Of course, after you’ve been married for years, he’ll tell the story of how he was the one who got it all started – cute.)
Psychologist Monica Moore observed over 200 women at a party and categorized their successful moves to initiate interaction (technically known as their nonverbal solicitation signals). She found 52 of them, some of which I list here in order of frequency of occurrence at the party:
• Smiling at him broadly (most common by a huge margin)
• Throwing him a short, darting glance
• Dancing alone to the music
• Looking straight at him and flipping hair
• Keeping a fixed gaze on him
• Looking at him, tossing head, then looking back
• “Accidentally” brushing up against him
• Nodding at him
• Pointing to a chair and inviting him to sit
• Tilting head and touching exposed neck
• Licking lips during eye contact
• Primping while keeping eye contact with him
• Parading close with exaggerated hip movement
• Asking for his help with something
• Tapping something to get his attention
• Patting his buttocks
What Moore found was that the more frequently a woman signaled, the more likely she was to get a positive outcome. In fact, the frequency of signaling overrode physical attractiveness as a success factor. In other words, a high-signaling woman of average attractiveness was much more likely to be approached than a prettier but low-signaling counterpart.
Oh, is that what that was. No wonder I’m still single. 🙂
I’ll be interested to hear your thoughts on why you think the preference stands that way.
I definitely think a lot of guys appreciate and are flattered when a woman makes the effort. For me personally I think I would be worried if a guy had a problem w it- prefers to ask fine by me but the other I worry what else that could mean interpersonally in terms of possibly getting involved w him. Ex. Too married to gender roles? Etc.
Yes. Could be a good way to weed patriarchal men out.
The idea of Sadie Hawkins Day perpetuates the cultural tendency. Sometime the “dance” and “romance” between the genders works with the current cultural leaning. It gives something for movies and books anyway. I’m for great flexibility on the subject — everyone is right, I think(?).
Yeah, SHD helps us to see the other side, but keeps boundaries in tact even as we cross them.
Exactly! Thank you for the referral on Feministe, btw! It’s sending people my way.
You’re welcome. Well worth reading.
Regardless of who is asking who, the idea is usually to get a sense of whether the answer will be “yes” and not a not-so-happy yes. It’s best to get to that point where the asking out is nearly mutual. Talk, talk, talk … hey, should we …. ? I like when a woman takes the initiative, by at least expressing a strong interest not mistaken as mere friendliness. Usually a compliment is a hint. And if not picked up on: “Hey, lug head, I’m asking you out.” I’m sure there are books written on the subject. I’m certainly not an authority on it, but the short answer for me is — yes, I would like being asked out, as long as I want to respond with a yes. Happy Valentine’s Day! Sadie Hawkins Day is a long way off — Nov. 13.
Happy Valentines to you too. And good advice, by the way.
Yes, just a few more months until Sadie Hawkins…
I’ve taken the initiative with men and been turned down more than once, but if you can handle rejection, overall I’d say the odds of the man doing so in an unkind manner are low. And being able to handle rejection is pretty important. There’s no reason to assume rejection reflects poorly on the rejected, there can be all sorts of reasons that aren’t about you, including unresolved baggage from previous relationships.
Absolutely true. There have been times when I was interested in someone but was burned out from a past relationship. One of these guys, I had thought, was perfect for me. It was just horrible timing. And sometimes it’s just not a good match even if both people are perfectly good people, but would simply work better with someone else.
The ratio of rejection is very low, almost negligible so it’s better this way. 😉 🙂
Thanks for weighing in.
Being asked out by a girl eliminates two of the biggest dating stumbling blocks for men: Lack of confidence/shyness, and fear of rejection. It’s an ego-boost for the man when a woman makes the first move, and it demonstrates a certain amount of self-confidence in the woman, which (in my opinion) is definitely an attractive quality.
Good to get some more guy’s perspectives.