Tossed Between “Prude,” “Sexy,” and “Slut”

One-piece black bathing suit.

One-piece black bathing suit.

By Cassie Kent

I changed my Facebook profile picture to one showing me atop a small abandoned fishing boat in the Dominican Republic.

I’m wearing a black one-piece swimsuit. My arms are braced behind my head as I coyly look over my shoulder with a small smile aimed at the camera.

The photo was taken as my friends and I posed in exaggerated ways, pretending to be on America’s Next Top Model.

It seemed like a good end-of-summer pic

It seemed like a good end-of-summer pic, with my small smile reflecting joy at approaching a new horizon. I felt good in mind and body. And happy to be in the sun, enthralled in the summer I’d just had.

And hell, I wanted people to see that I was cool, having spent time in a third world country. Because isn’t that what we do in first world countries? Help the less fortunate so that we can feel amazing about ourselves for the rest of our lives?

Yeah, there was a bit of that, too.

Now back at home, I was dealing with reverse culture shock. The consumerist, fast-paced lifestyle disgusted me and I longed to be back in a Dominican jungle.

fb likesSo I posted the photo.

You know the drill: likes and comments come and I’m feeling pretty darn good about myself.

Because that’s also part of the game we play. The more likes and comments, the better we feel about ourselves.

And swimsuit shots take some balls — or I should say ovaries! Especially for me.

But this story isn’t about how I felt in the swimsuit. Or my body insecurities.

A story of feeling sexualized and shamed

This is a story about how a seventeen-year-old’s body is sexualized and shamed.

Not long after posting the photo my older brother confronted me — eyebrows furrowed in thought and disgust. He did not think it was appropriate.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable and wrong.

As a woman I was taught that my value lay in my body. Yet women must navigate turbulent waters that toss us about between “prude,” “sexy,” and “slut.”

“Be comfortable but not egotistical” … “Be sexy but not a slut.”

His reaction made me feel like I had crossed over into slut territory.

And, he felt he had the authority to tell me right from wrong and how the world would perceive me.

I have never felt the double bind — damned if you do, damned if you don’t — more than I did that day. It seemed as though there were no way to win.

Society has the problem. Not me wearing a bathing suit.

But now I think society has the problem. Not me wearing a bathing suit. I don’t believe that seventeen-year-olds should be made to feel ashamed of their figures.

And I don’t think that men should tell women what to wear so that they can control their bodies and their sexuality.

That is no longer a game I play. My body is my body and I will not have anyone making me feel bad and telling me what I can or cannot put on it.

This was written by one of my students.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on March 2, 2016, in feminism, objectification, psychology, sexism, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 67 Comments.

  1. She’s wearing a one piece bathing suit, pretty typical and normal for any girl to wear on a beach or swimming pool. Most girls wear or show a picture of themselves wearing a bathing suit especially in the summer on social media. I don’t understand her brothers reaction. There are double standards today, but even then, many are relaxed enough about a bathing suit. I could see, not saying it’s right, if she had a picture of her wearing a thong bikini or something especially since she’s 17 or a really skimpy revealing bikini. But she wore a one piece bathing suit. I know brothers can be protective as I am one, but that’s a little over protective considering what she wore, which is pretty conservative for swim suits in my opinion.

    • My students come from a variety of cultural backgrounds, with a variety of different views on these things. Which creates a lot of different issues to contend with. I like to think of it as a growing experience, regardless. Thanks for your thoughts on this.

  2. Nothing wrong with you wearing a bathing suit but I would be careful using fb too. They’re not to be trusted

  3. The whole point is that one should dress to one’s own sensibilities. If you are modest, dress modestly. (And here is where I say that we have no place criticizing Muslim women who chose coverage for their own comfort levels.) If you are comfortable with your body image, feel free. That applies to all age groups, by the way. I’ve seen young people shame older folks for wearing scant clothing in hot weather–as though seasonal comfort depended upon having a hot body. The problem is the exterior judgments.

  4. If you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one is a phrase I’ve heard around business, politics and other things. For us women it seems that no matter what we do we are judged and piss someone off or offend them. Not that men aren’t judged but I feel we are judged more regularly and harshly.

    There are assumptions and judgments made by posting a bikini photo or a conservative photo. I’ve met people through social media that have said to me “I didn’t think you would be educated or intelligent since you look good in a bikini.” Really? That is a crazy assumption and judgement but it’s the world we live in.

    I’m proud of my accomplishments in business, life and in having a healthy body. I work really hard to take care of myself and have good life experiences and some of those are captured in photos. I still don’t post every photo of myself or anything but I have decided that I’m not going to let those who judge me or make me feel bad about my choices. Their assumptions and judgments are something they own but it doesn’t change who I am. Whether that is around my beliefs, my sexual choices, life choices or in posting of a photo.

    Proudly sharing photos about my life and soul on http://www.instagram.com/taylorsince88

  5. Good for Cassie for having the awareness to know that her brother’s reaction is about him and society and not about her. It sounds like she didn’t internalize the projected shame and continued to embrace and own her embodiment like she did in her photograph. There is such a difference between an image in which a woman is the/her subject and those where she is objectified. It’s not about what she is wearing or not wearing at all.

  6. I was born and raised in a third world country, in a traditional way. As I grew up, I did not have a strong self-esteem and I did not love my body. I was feel ashamed when I first wearing a bra. I did not feel comfortable wearing make up at all. I did not want people get attention to my body or my beauty.
    I have never wear a bikini. I feel uneasy when people give complement about my body. I can share the feeling of the girl in the article. When changing my avatar, I want people to see more than just my clothes, my skin, or my weight.
    Am I too obsessed with objectification?

  7. I agree. People should just wear clothing appropriate to the occasion. Bathing suit while boating sounds right! Her brother has a serious problem. Unfortunately he’s not the only one. Did you know if you want to be/remain a teacher you can’t be photographed in any non-professional clothing or while holding a drink that might contain alcohol? It’s insane.

  8. This thing is very much prevalent in my country. The unwritten dress code for women! Apparently, you are allowed to wear anything, but as soon as your cleavage shows up deeper and your blouse is a short one, or you choose to put on your hot pants for the Friday party, some people would start staring at you as if you’ve done something seriously wrong! I don’t understand this moronic attitude. How on earth a girl’s attire defines her character??

  9. “Slut”, “bitches” and “hoes” have been thrown on women’s faces, it does not seem like an abnormal thing no more. Even worse, it has been adapted into part of the status quo in contemporary society. Should women be modest? To me, I think we do need some proper coverage on our body, and an onesies swimming suit my falls under my definition of “proper coverage”. I do not see a problem of seeing a post like this on social media. Simply posting a picture with bathing suit draws critics, not to mention many other things that women do that will be judged at. It is always interesting to think places with more rules on women’s clothing often attract more attention from guys. Men expect women to be modest, it is a way to control women and make men feel more empowered.

  10. This is indeed a growing experience! All too relatable as I watch my younger sister begin to go through these things. Thankfully I’ve broken free of the patriarchal double standards, and am nothing but supportive of her in what she chooses to do. I’m glad your student decided she would not play the game, and stand for herself.

    Thanks for sharing and spreading a very important conversation,
    -IV

  11. >As a woman I was taught that my value lay in my body.

    Where does the value of a man lay?

    • Men’s value, As perceived by others, isn’t all about their bodies. Being attractive can certainly be helpful. But men are more likely to be judged by their sense of humor or what they have done with their lives — which reflects more about who they are. Some women will be attracted to a man with a great sense of humor, some will be attracted to men who are political activists, some will be attracted to great minds, some will be attracted to money and power. But basically, it’s not just body issues — and then being compared to “perfect models.”

      The biggest problem for women is the one-dimensional focus on their bodies. The biggest problem for men is the common focus on money and power.

      And the problem isn’t men. The problem is patriarchy.

      Patriarchy tends to value men who are who are higher up the hierarchy — and so both men and women learn to make that same valuation. But women aren’t supposed to be “on top” except for their looks. And 80% of women have Poor body image, Because they are competing — at least in their own minds — with whoever is on top of that hierarchy.

      • > Because they are competing — at least in their own minds — with whoever is on top of that hierarchy.

        But men are competing as well, and the competetion can be very fierce. And many men have very poor image of their attractiveness. However, I agree that men have more dimensions to excel at.

        Do you believe that it is possible to exclude sexual selection from the human society at all? You can change the criteria of attractiveness, but regardless of them there will be winners and losers in this game. And inevitably the losers will feel very, very bad.

      • I know that men face a lot of problems in patriarchy, too. Here is a post i wrote on the topic, but your comments inspire me to write more:

        It’s Not Easy Being A Man
        https://broadblogs.com/2014/01/20/its-not-easy-being-a-man-2/

        And see the links at the bottom. (I have written other things too)

        As to your question, there are cultures that are partnership-oriented. I’ll look for some links and try to get back to you.

        And what is valued varies from culture to culture. Whether you are talking about looks or anything else. Humans have very few instincts — mostly what we value is learned. Quick example: when it comes to female beauty different cultures have valued different things: skinny, obese, big boobs, small boobs, blonde hair – which is only healthy in the most northern climates. I could go on.

        But it tends to harm relationships and sexuality. So it is not adaptive. Some men can only get around with certain types of looks, when that is what the culture values. And with 80% of women having poor body image, 90% of my women students said they get distracted from sex because they are thinking about having a look – either worrying that they don’t look good enough (Most of them) or trying to please their bodies in the best looking position. You can’t have an orgasm when you were doing that. Too distracting.

        Why can’t variety be the spice of life? We often do value variety – when we aren’t intent on making some people feel better and some people feel worse.

  12. I didn’t know this happens in 1st world countries as well.
    Ashamed to say that many & many Indian cities & villages are stifling women with no mobiles, no jeans approach rather than solve the bigger question of male mentality/perversity.

    • Yeah, it’s still a big problem here. Young women find it hard to navigate to find the exact right place to be, without punishment.

      And as I recall Women are sometimes forbidden Mobile phones for safety purposes — yet mobile phones can increase safety. You can quickly call someone if you are in danger. And even holding the phone makes you less likely to be a victim in The US because you can quickly alert the person you’re talking to that you are in trouble period

      The no mobile phone, modesty, etc. It’s more about controlling women — teaching women that they are supposed to be controlled.

      Thanks for sharing.

      • Exactly, it is control they are trying to exert.
        I think division by religion is far superseded by the division between 2 genders. Male vs female remains the most bloody war ever.

      • And India is going through a bigger change than us right now, which is creating a bigger war. But we are still dealing with that battle, too. But since we have been fighting it longer we’ve adjusted more. In fact, violence against women and girls is way down here. since the early 1990s rape is down 75%, battering is down 65% and incest is down 40%.

        When women are valued, violence against them is down.

        But when the society is undergoing shifts violence against them is down.

        But when the society is undergoing big shifts toward gender equality, you tend to get a backlash with things like sexual harassment and rape going up. once the major transition moves more toward stabilization things should get better.

      • Lets hope so.
        However, closest relatives and family circle still seems to be the highest source of sexual harassment. It is further compounded by the aura of holy silence in family pride & prejudice.

      • It’s actually not surprising that families play such a big role in this. Patriarchy literally means the rule of the fathers. You role model male dominance within the family, and children grow up with the idea of dominance from a very young age. I’m sure it’s an unconscious process by now, but that’s what patriarchies always do. Patriarchy attaches to everything – probably most powerfully within the family. (Patriarchy these days means valuing men and masculinity over women and femininity, and men have more power and freedom.)

  13. This greatly angers me! She is so right, though. Society is the problem, not her. They should be ashamed of themselves for sexualizing a minor! These young girls need to be able to express themselves and their bodies without being shamed. When guys have pictures of them half naked, no one tells them to cover up. Yet, a girl who has a ONE PIECE (not even two pieces!) gets slut-shamed? Totally unacceptable. It’s hard to build up one’s confidence again after society breaks it down. I hope she was able to recover.

  14. I believe that while society does have it’s issues in the oppression of overall self-expression, especially of the body, I would hope that you could also see the point of view of your brother here. I’m not sure about how conservative he may be, but he also has a different point of view and caring because he’s family that most other people wouldn’t have. The way it’s written, I understand the feelings you had on that day, perhaps he could have also approached it better, but also you have to think about where his heart his and his feeling to be “protective” of his little sister. Often times we don’t always see the value in feedback, especially criticism at the time (and for me to this day it’s still seems that way) but I could only imagine the “good” in your brother’s intentions.

    But that also leads us to the point of society today. A good song for reference is one of my favorite country songs by Kasey Musgraves, “Follow Your Arrow,” which she conveys that exact idea, to follow and do what we want, regardless of the judgment of others. Perhaps we need to take a page out of that book, where we see the value in ourselves and what we do and stand for, being the main focus, not actually conforming to norms and ideas set by others around us.

  15. If a guy posted a picture of himself half-naked, say, fresh out of the gym to show off and feel good about himself. He would get compliments left and right of how great he looks or girls be flirting about his attractiveness, but if a girl, similar to the girl in this topic, posted a picture of herself in her swimsuit at the beach (which “swimsuit’s” are commonly known to be worn at beach or a place w/ a large amount of water). She would get more negative comments on her picture than the guy at the gym. He would get more benefiting comments for his ego boost and she would probably feel confused and concerned that she got a lot of negative comments, even though she was wearing the right attire for place and season. That just seems a bit unfair to me how us females have to be constantly careful of every inch of our skin that is showing to the world and guys could probably walked down the streets naked without a care and don’t have to be worried about being called a “slut”. So, I’m happy for Cassie that she won’t let society, or even from one’s own culture/family, make her feel ashamed. 🙂

  16. I was reading “Tossed Between “Prude,” “Sexy,” and “Slut”” I felt like she was telling my story. 2 years ago, it was the end of summer, I took a picture of me in a 2-piece swimsuit. It was my birthday and i though why not post this on Facebook. I was happy I had taken a really good picture of me. So end up posting the picture, it didn’t last up to 5 minute when my older brother called me on my cell phone yelling at me to take down the picture. He said what are you thinking posting that type of picture. To me it was not more but just a picture of me. I know just how you feel “Not long after posting the photo my older brother confronted me — eyebrows furrowed in thought and disgust. He did not think it was appropriate..” I didn’t do it because I wanted to be a slut, I did it because I was having a good time at the pool and I was happy with the way my picture turned out and it was my birthday. It is easy for girls to get slut shamed easily.

  17. This story takes me back to when I was in high school, and all my friends who had older brothers would talk about how their brothers would say the same thing. You can’t do this, you’re a slut, blah blah. It’s actually really sad that her own brother would say these things to her, but you can’t solely put the blame on him when other factors are put into play. I’m happy it didn’t affect her as much and that she overcame it. I wish more women would start to learn the mindset that how they view themselves is way more important than how others view them. It might take a while (heck, might take years) to gain that sort of self confident, but it’s totally worth it. Such a great story, I’m happy for her.

  18. Its a bathing suit, she felt amazing in it and plus she was in a different country. Social media is getting popular day after day and of course we love to post pictures of where we been and love to get artsy with pictures as well. no need to feel ashamed of your body girl! embrace it! because its rare for women to love their bodies now a days which is actually really sad. but i do understand how she felt because i have felt uncomfortable and wrong at times before when i really shouldn’t but it was only because someone made me feel that way.

  19. Leanna Candelaria

    I definitely agree with what Cassie is trying to say in her essay. Society has a weird way of controlling people. She brought up that women are expected to “be sexy but not a slut”. This is the double-bind at it’s best. I think it’s disgusting how often women are “expected” to be/act a certain way based on what society accepts as attractive. I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who understood that my body is MY body and I can do what I want with it as long as I am not causing any harm to myself or others. I wish that women were not shamed for their actions in social media. In a perfect world, women would never feel ashamed of their bodies or what they post on social media. They would be able to post as they please and feel really good about it. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it is human nature to judge women. Some people even find it necessary to put them down for what they do with their own bodies. I can only hope that we learn to understand that women have the right to do what they please with their bodies.

  20. Selomit Ojeda

    I found it disrespectful that her brother thought less of her just for posting a picture of her having fun in a bathing suit. If the role was changed to a male nothing wrong would have been done. I think that society has created this metabolism that if women are posting bathing suit pictures it’s because they want male attention and therefore its their own fault if they are called names. Every single thing a women does is judged. I agree with the statement that society is the one with the problem, it shouldn’t matter what others comment about you. If you feel comfortable with who you are then thats it.

  21. All I could say is that I’m shocked. I don’t think her brother was intentionally trying to oppress her rights as a women, but that’s exactly what he was doing. By pushing her to a corner where she literally feels like a “slut” in his eyes is demeaning and it would break even my heart if my family were to think of me in the same way. I was taught, as a child, to be comfortable in my own body and express myself the best to my abilities but nowadays – I have watch what I say and dress. I could dress however I want, as long as it does arise any attention from others. This may include cleavage, makeup, or my legs. If I show too much cleavage, as in my bra or my boobs themselves, I’m considered as being scandalous and really taking a risk on my sexual appeal. If I wear too much makeup, I’m asked to tone it down to keep from attracting too much attention. If my shorts or skirts are too short, I’m told to change into something that’s more or less sexualized. I’m completely comfortable in my own skin, but it doesn’t make sense to me that other people aren’t. Maybe it may be the type of household I grew up in, a conservative Buddhist family. Maybe it may be the way patriarchy really takes a toll on my personal everyday life.

  22. We rarely hear of a boy getting shame for posting a shirtless picture of himself online. Our bodies belong to us, unless you’re a woman and then your body belongs to men, and they get to decide how much you show and when. It’s amazing how boys will encourage women they don’t know to “show more skin” but then get angry when it’s someone they know and love. Just because she’s not your sister or daughter doesn’t mean she’s not someone else’s. No woman should be degraded or objectified, and all women should feel proud and safe showing off their bodies if they wish to. If the exact picture was posted but it was instead a boy in his swimming trunks, everyone would comment on the situation. But because it was a woman, her body and how much is revealed is all that matters. It’s just so so unfair, it makes me so angry! This is why women have to live with so much doubt and insecurity. There is no line between sexy and slutty. We should be able to do and show whatever we want if it makes us happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else.

  23. I could absolutely relate to this women and also full heartedly agree that women should not be told what to wear, also people shouldn’t tell them how the world perceives them because of what they wear and what they decide to post on social media. It is for every girls right to post whatever she is comfortable with and nobody should tell her otherwise. If posting a picture in a bikini will make a women feel better then let her just have her moment, rather than bashing on her. Clearly everyone has different perspectives on who is showing to much skin, for example like a brother, i would see why they would have a fuss but I am positive that if it was another female he wouldn’t think the same. In conclusion, a women shouldn’t feel ashamed of what they post and no one should ever have the right to tell her other wise.

  24. I admire your student’s viewpoint that it is society’s problem if seventeen year olds can be judged for what they wear. A one piece bathing suit is not even all that revealing, and she should be allowed to wear whatever she wants. Especially if it’s something that she feels comfortable in. Men shouldn’t be able to dictate what women can wear, it’s the same as men being able to control other parts of a woman’s life. If they can’t control certain aspects of a woman’s personality, then they look for other ways to hold women back. And often times that is by making women feel as if they are only objects to be scrutinized. It is the same as girls being sent home or to the principal’s office for wearing tank tops that are too revealing or “distracting.” There is something wrong with other students or teachers if they find a problem with something that a student is wearing, because if they are finding clothes distracting then it likely means that they are objectifying women and less as human beings who go to school to learn. Females should be able to wear what they want to wear and what they feel comfortable in, without men trying to find one more way to control the actions of women.

  25. Karina Maldonado

    It is sad that women need to question what they wear because of what people might say. I know I question what I wear all the time. I should be wearing whatever makes me feel comfortable (and sometimes I do) but I always end up asking myself “is this too sluty?” People constantly call out women for “showing too much” so I have grown to think that there is a certain way I should dress. I agree that women should not post nudes because their man should be the only one to see that, but at the end of the day it is not my business and it does not affect me in any way. We all have different beliefs and cultures, so I respect other women’s choices on how they dress and how much they want to show their body. I just don’t think we should bring women down for trying to dress the way they want to. We dress to feel comfortable and to feel good about ourselves. I wish I had enough confidence and courage to wear a one piece bathing suit.

  26. You’re definitely correct in saying that women should not be judged or forced into certain behavior over their bodies and how they dress. Yet, it is more of a matter of compromising with how society generally behaves and making slow advances for change. For example, if I suddenly posted a picture of myself far more exposed than usual, I have to expect the usual feedback from the two opposite ends of the spectrum. Without being to critical, I feel that you are, in return, judging your brother too hard for his behavior. Ask yourself this: why should he conform to how you want him to see you? It is simply unfair to expect people to just accept changes so easily. That’s why this goes back to what I said before: compromise. Although they may be smaller steps, these small steps will most likely change society more permanently in the long run.

  27. This is a concept I often think about. Like high school dress codes, especially when I attended Catholic school, the “free dress” guidelines were out of control, for boys it never exceeded five sentences but girls had half a page worth of rules to follow and every year the became more strict and the list grew. Originally girls were allowed to wear skirts and shorts with length to the fingertips, the next year it was changed to length must not be shorter than 3 inches above the knee — which resulted in girls having to get on their knees in the school office when a teacher felt their outfit was of inappropriate length and have it be measured “accurately” by the principal.
    Apparently too much exposed leg results in distractions among the students because the idea is that boys are getting flustered by looking at the girls. But it’s hurting the female students even more than the males. The girls are the ones that get pulled from class, missing essential class time, to be humiliated and told to get on the floor while an adult tells them they’re the ones being inappropriate.

  28. I can defiantly see how some of the bathing suits now days can be a controversial subject in many families whose cultural values may be modesty, and respect of a woman body more than others. However I think when a minor is involved there should be form of guidance, understanding, and expectations set of what might be offensive or disrespectful to the family’s modest beliefs and values. As an adult woman I agree that one should dress to one’s own sensibilities, more so as an independent person (not living at home or financially dependent on anyone else to buy their clothing for them) should be free to wear what they want. As adults we learn we can’t please everyone it’s a never ending battle. I hope that women continue to dress for themselves and not for others regardless of the judgments. Women should be able be feel comfortable in their own skin without feeling pressured or ridiculed for what she wears. The FB posting, there will always be that one person who says something that gets into one’s head. So the best thing to do is not post anything at all that you don’t want an opinion about, because the truth is comments will not always be nice or flattering which is what most people expect.

  29. We live in such a society that if we’re comfortable in our own skin, and in this case comfortable enough to wear a swim suit and post a picture of it onto social media, you’re considered to be over confident, have a big ego, or be considered a slut for not being modest. But if we are shy and introverted, we are seen as being prude. It seems we can’t ever win. What always boggles my mind is when girls who have brothers, regardless of the fact if they’re older or younger, if they see their sister wearing what they consider to be inappropriate clothing, they’ll say she’s being disrespectful or not modest. But it’s okay for the boys to look at other girls who are not their sisters, and see them as hot and sexy.

  30. I hate how she is shamed by her brother for the picture. He shouldn’t have a say in her life like that especially since she wasn’t even being scandalous. I also feel as though yes maybe culturally she comes from a stricter up bringing but that shouldn’t stop her from doing what she wants.

  31. This article was my favorite one to read especially with recently starting my first women studies class. This is the type of thing I feel like me and a lot of other ladies struggle with all the time especially with how big social media is now.

    You are about to post a picture on Instagram and before you hit the “post” button, so many thoughts go through your mind. Ok, how do I look? Well I love my make up…but will other people like it too? I love my outfit.. is it attractive? Or is it way too much and will people start thinking I look a little slutty?

    These are things that go through my mind all the time. And it definitely is a bummer since I post pictures solely for myself. If I feel good about myself I want to be able to show that.

    This article definitely showed me a different perspective. It is not me being a slut…. it is society portraying me as one. Simply because I posted a picture that simply makes me feel good about myself and what I was doing on that particular day.

  32. Nothing wrong with her. Society needs to change the view.
    I feel why only women are shamed by wearing a swimsuit. Pictures of men with a swimsuit can be found anywhere, but most of time women’s pictures wearing a swimsuit are criticized on social media. The happens are unfair, and this shows that people see women’s bodies as objective. Of course, sometimes we need to think about where you are, but women should be able to dress what they want to wear. She should not shame on posting these pictures on social media, and If women are keeping confronting the problem, women would be more strong in society.

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