Welcome To My Open Marriage
A friend invited me into his open marriage.
Well, me and a bunch of our other female friends. Plus other women I don’t know.
I declined but he’s persistant. It’s a personality trait of his.
He sent a link quoting Christopher Ryan, author of “Sex at Dawn,” who said,
We assume monogamy is natural and preferable. But (controversial) evidence says “maybe not.” If monogamy isn’t necessarily natural, then we can stop shaming and discriminating against non-monogamous behavior.
I’ve spent so much time responding to my friend’s repeated entreaties that I decided to turn my latest response into a blog post — since writing it cut into a good portion of my blogging time. Maybe I’ll just send this link the next time he sends me one.
I’m for monogamy or non-monogamy, depending on the person
I don’t think my non-monogamous friends should be shamed. I want us all to be who we authentically are. But no need to shame people who aren’t into open marriage or polyamory, etc. as “prude” either.
Non-monogamy is natural. Or not.
Dr. Ryan suggests non-monogamy is natural, so we should all join in.
Except that it only MAY be, he admits.
Humans began living mostly monogamously much sooner than once believed, says a University of Tennessee study. That benefited children because their fathers put more resources into them, their brains grew bigger, and were more likely to survive. And polygamy does not seem to have been common during any part of the human experience.
An appetite for non-monogamy depends on the person
Whether you prefer a lifetime commitment to one person who you are strongly bonded to, enjoy long-term polyamorous relationships, or revel in hook up culture, I believe it should be different strokes for different folks. No one bending to what works for others.
In any given year, as many as twenty percent of young men – about one guy in five – might be living a player lifestyle. But only about five percent, or one guy in twenty, does it for three years straight.
Instead, most guys are romantic. They want to date their sex partners, and they want emotional connection, he says.
I posed this question on my blog:
Which would you choose: a loving and profound lifelong relationship? Or a series of short but intense romantic bonds?
Most said they preferred a loving lifetime relationship. As did commenters on the Psychology Today post which had inspired my question.
That’s not a scientific survey. But it is how most people live.
People think everyone else is like them
It’s common to think that everyone else is the way you are. My friend and Dr. Ryan want open marriages so they assume everyone else does, too. We’re just too afraid to take the step, or something.
Yet nothing about open marriage sounds even slightly appealing to me. It sounds like making a lot of effort for no reason.
But if open marriage works for you, then please, be someone else’s guest.
Posted on September 19, 2016, in psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality and tagged "Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan, monogamy, Non-monogamy, psychology, relationships, sex, sexuality. Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.