#Metoo: My Story Of Recovery

By R.G.

Seven years ago I was sexually assaulted.

I don’t owe anyone a story and I still have difficulty assessing what happened.

My story is not sensational. It did not make headlines. But yes, it happened and it is important to share.

I was in an emotionally manipulative and sexually abusive relationship. I waited and waited for his affirmation of what happened in order to validate my experience, but it never seemed to come. 

When he did finally admit to it, it didn’t really change what he did or my experience of the abuse. I still struggled with suicidal thoughts, severe depression and PTSD. I was hyper-vigilant even with the “no contact” order that he didn’t seem to give a shit about.

I still victim-blamed myself. I thought I was wrong and didn’t share what happened to me with the people I loved most because I was so terrified and ashamed.

Seven years of healing, and still more work to do

It has now been seven years of healing from trauma.

My trauma has opened doors for healing my whole body, mind and soul. I discovered yoga and meditation and moved to Thailand to heal. I broke open and went through a depression/awakening as I delved into my childhood experiences.

I hit rock bottom multiple times.

metoo

#MeToo

I learned to put myself first.

I can now validate my own experience of violation in my body without needing to ask others whether it was abuse or not.

I also discovered an abundance of support and love in this world for me.

I learned that my empathetic and loving nature could be open and risk vulnerability again. I attracted a kind and loving man, someone who truly understands what it means to patient and supportive.

I am constantly relearning how to love myself, protect myself and be authentic and true to myself.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on this journey, who has helped me to accept who I am, who has wiped tears from my face, held my hand through the journey or just messaged me to show their support. I love you all.

There are still days when I worry I might run into my abuser, and fear that he might harm me.

I still feel sad about what happened to me, but I am becoming stronger and more courageous.

Let us end rape culture, together.

This was written by a friend who agreed to let me lightly edit and post it on my blog, using her initials.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on December 11, 2017, in rape and sexual assault and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 39 Comments.

  1. She is strong enough to come out of the wrong relation, stand for herself and work through her depression and staying strong till date. Many women don’t do that and they continue to be in an abusive relationship that not only make their life difficult but even their kids life becomes so depressive and tough to survive.

  2. Very moving. Thank you for sharing your story. In my country (PNG) and my culture, being raped is very common. We women of that country and the wider Melanesians are fighting this disease every day. This happens in random attacks and within relationships. I’ve been a policewoman and a journalist so I’m talking about facts. Many of my friends and family members have been raped. Your story reminded me of myself some 20 years ago. I never saw how it could be over, ever – he was always around the corner. One day my attacker dropped dead. That was shocking too. Now, when I look at that woman from 20 years ago, I see how strong and brave she was. You must believe in yourself. To get to where you are now, and tell your story, you have a lot of strength and power within you. You haven’t seen it yet, but it is coming. Love & hugs.

  3. I never understood this campaign completely.

    • I hope this will help you to understand.

      When the campaign started my husband said he’d had no idea how widespread the problems of sexual attacks, ranging from harassment to rape, are. Hopefully it will help men to see how the women they love have suffered.

      • Thanks for your reply.

        About our subject, I will explain. But I would like to say before, that once I was asked by a lady friend of mine to escort her after a lecture somewhere in our city center. I didn’t understand why. So I asked her. She answered that men whistle and bother her. It was a new discovery for me. I realised that I live in a different sphere and it was a cultural shock for me.

        My question is about the method and the aims of the campaign of #MeToo. Although I discovered that women suffer from certain behaviour it did not cause me yet to become a declerd feminist or act differently towards women.

        Moreover, I don’t yet believe in equality. And I believe that one of the ways for men to become successful is through having many women: A people think the are successful. B. The get ideas, connections and recommendations from the women they sleep with. And I believe that many men break the law in that subject, and the women as a crowd play along and not only the men.

        I stopped believing in justice, and started to believe in energy and energy relations. Always people will suffer, and my aim is to help my feelings/interests, and sometimes it convergences together with another human being for the benefit of both of us. Justice for me is what the powerful decide.

      • Why don’t you believe in equality? I know many women who are clearly superior to many men in terms of their intelligence, empathy, ability to survive… I know many women who are far more evolved than many men… And early cultures seem to have been gender-equal, in the time before patriarchy.

        Some people study personal and cultural evolution. The evolution of any culture is the average of the evolution of the persons within the society. Each person at higher stages has gone through all of the others. Here’s how it goes:

        Stages of evolution (a bit simplified here):

        Lowest is egocentric. I just care about me.

        Next is ethnocentric. I care about me and mine. The moral view at this stage is thought of as “might makes right.” So this seems to be the stage you are at. (Although you could still be grounded in egocentrism.)

        The next stage cares about me, mine, and others. It comes with the scientific worldview. (Maybe it comes with science because you move from a localized world-view to a universal world view: science/math work the same everywhere). Notice how the technological revolution brought with it a successful anti-slavery movement and woman’s movement. At this stage the “powers that be” have enough empathy to care about the suffering of others. So powerful white men who had evolved to this stage helped make sure women could vote and helped end slavery. The United Nations was created instead of constant war.

        Next is actually experiencing oneness with others. High empathy/expansive love. When others are hurt you feel hurt too. Desire good for everyone, and work for the good of all.

      • I don’t believe in equality because I was not yet convinced that there is a need for that or that I am obliged to this idea.

        Some people say that some women are smarter then men, so why should they not deserve equality? My humble opinion is: I do agree that many women are smarter then men. I actually have no problem with that. I like smart woman, at least I can speak with them, and the smarter, the better. I also agree that were societies that were more equal towards women. so?! It does not mean that I am an emotional slave to another culture…

        About the personal and cultural evolution, it’s seems to me that this model does not argue that people are not motivated from self interest. This psychology model works perfectly with my skeptic approach about equality. It wants to show that people have an interests in other people if they evolve.

      • Thanks for your thoughts. I’m taking a break from my blog until mid-January.

  4. I’m sorry your friend went through this and is still suffering. The sad part is it’s all too common.

  5. Sharing will hopefully encourage others to do so as well. And make the world a little bit safer.

  6. I don’t think many people realize how wide spread sexual harassment and rape really is simply because people kept it hidden for years because of the feared consequences of speaking out. as for the subject of sexual harassment, it’s too broad a term because there are things that relate to harassment that are not even sexual in nature. it happens to men too but when it happens to men the statistics are much lower than with women and men aren’t the only sexual predators. there are some women out there that commit this aweful crime and we seem to focus soley on the male perpitrators with very little reporting on female perpitrators. I’m sorry but that’s just how I see it and that’s just how it is.

    • I’m glad that we are becoming more aware of sexual harassment.

      And whether the harassment is sexual or not — in which case I guess it would just be general bullying — I believe it’s important for our culture to become non-bullying and more loving.

  7. First of all, thank you for sharing your story. You are more than a survivor. You are a liberator for many women out there who question the validity of their abuse. There are women who don’t yet realize that they are actually being vehemently abused. They have been manipulated into thinking this is all they’re worth. To be objects and not human, that we are not worthy of a healthy love. That this is the best you’ll ever get. Lies and more lies!

    I am so proud of you, and other women who have stood up as a part of the #MeToo movement! As a woman who was also violated as a teen, as well as harassed as an adult, it’s not easy to struggle through sexual abuse. So often, we fall into depression, guilt, shame and blame. It took me years to realize that I am not defined by what happened to me. It does not control me. I am much more than my tragedies. I am much more than a survivor. I am free. Thank you again!

  8. It takes courage to share your experience and I’m truly sorry that you had to go through this experience in your life. It really bothers me that a person can sexually abuse someone else just because they know they are stronger than the person they abuse otherwise, I think they wouldn’t even try. No one should ever feel guilty, because IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT! I just can’t imagine the pain you went through and it makes me happy that your now stronger and liberated. Don’t live in FEAR of encountering your oppressor just try to forgive him. Forgiving it is not easy, I know, but when you forgive you will feel a huge burden lifted from your shoulders. Stay strong!

  9. To the author: thank you so much for sharing your story in such a detailed way. I really felt your pain and uncertainty. All too often I hear rape and assault victims blame themselves or wonder if their experience “counts.” We get entirely too wrapped up in legal definitions of rape and assault and spiral into doubt and misery because of it. Aggressors hide behind those definitions and use them to their advantage. In our American culture, we need to begin emphasizing those actions which escalate into assault; we know that rape jokes and the all-too-familiar attitude of “boys will be boys” will continue on to groping and harassment, and teaching that self-defense and dressing conservatively will protect someone is extremely one-sided. I’m very happy for you that you found peace with what happened. I only hope that future generations have the confidence to enact true prevention.

  10. I wanted to start off by saying thank you for sharing your story, as I know it can be very difficult to even come to terms with. I know the conflicts that come with the process of healing from such a damaging event, so you are truly a brave soul for sharing your story. All throughout my life, I’ve been hearing stories of people blaming themselves for what had happened to them. Instead of blaming the person who raped them, they blamed themselves. Society has placed a great deal on how someone dresses and correlates that with the person getting raped. Along with that, we are told that we were at the wrong place at the wrong time. We also get told that our choice to have fun or get into a relationship is the reason why were more susceptible to get raped. All of these theories basically point to the victim. But it is never your fault, it never was your fault. Instead of teaching people to act, dress, or even behave a certain way, society should teach people the importance of consent and the consequences that come with it if any borders were crossed. I am happy that you found peace with yourself and that you’re relearning the definition of self-love. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story, as it really did help me and definitely others.

  11. This is such an important topic that women and men need to share. Most women I know have been abused and I was one of the unlucky ones to experience it. I actually suffered abuse by one of the people your supposed to think would never harm you and are the ones to protect you from the world as a child, a parent. My mom divorced my dad when we were small and I never had any real recollection of him, save a memory of him bathing me as a child in a apartment he had after my parents split up. I remember my mom always never saying anything bad about him to us when were growing up (I have a younger sister) and when we got old enough, (about 10 years old) we kept asking my mom about him and she agreed to let us start seeing him and have a relationship with this stranger who was my father. If I had known what I know now, I never would have wanted to foster that relationship with him. My mom left my father because he was abusive and schizophrenic. When we started to see him, he had remarried and he had two boys with his new wife. One weekend we went to stay with him and his wife was out of town. My mom did not know this, and this is when he abused me. It is something that I lived with for so long and felt like it was my fault for a very long time and affected my personal relationships with potential partners. It’s hard to come back from abuse and feel worthy of love. I still find it difficult to trust people because of what he did, but am learning that I did nothing wrong and that he is just a horribly, sick person. Not all men and fathers are sick, just mine was and is not a reflection on me as a person, in my eyes he is not a father, just a sperm donor.

  12. This is such an amazing post and so important for people to hear. Sometimes, it is hard to distinguish the world that we are living in at that moment, and to know right from wrong when we are being held captive by a mentally abusive person. The only way we can come out of situations like this ad recognize what is occurring is if we are educated to always remain vigilant and recognize the signs and red flags of these lessons from women before us. Many women can relate to this feeling of guilt and it is of utmost importance to stop blaming yourself to find healing and peace. Thank you for sharing this story in hopes to help other women who are going though the same issues. Though these stories are hard to share, it is people like you who have had experience who are the best advocates for educating women everywhere on these issues of abuse against women.

  13. Amazing. It takes such courage and bravery to share an experience as traumatic as this. It is women like you, that allows others to see that they are not alone. I have read and heard so many stories of women that blame themselves for the sexual assault. They think, had I not worn that, had I not said that, if only I hadn’t acted like that…no matter what, it is never the victims fault. I am so proud and honored to be a woman right now more than ever. Women have felt brave enough to begin to speak up and shed light on sexual abuse. Recently, several USA gymnasts have come forward with horrific accounts of how they were sexually assaulted by the team physician. A couple months ago, NBCs “Today Show” news anchor, Matt Lauer, was fired because of sexual harassment allegations. It is utterly disgusting how these men have completely abused their “superiority” power. I want to thank you so very much for sharing your story. If I could say one thing it would be to never feel ashamed, but feel proud because you have now paved the way for other women like myself to finally feel comfortable enough to say, Me Too.

  14. First off may I say I am so sorry for this abuse you had to endure. Secondly I want to commend you for speaking out on this subject. I truly believe the #MeToo movement is amazing and bringing such positive results for the women who have been sexually abused and/or harassed. By speaking out we are showing the world the magnitude of the problem. The phrase has been posted on line millions of times accompanied by a personal story of abuse or assault.

    Because of this #MeToo Congress bill which was revealed by the House on January 18, 2018 as an amendment to the Congressional Accountability Act of 1995. The purpose of this bill is to change how the legislative branch of U.S. federal government treats sexual harassment complaints. Under the old system, complaints took months of counseling and mediation before a complaint could actually be filed. Any settlement would be paid by tax money, The bill ensure future complaints could only take up to 180 days to be filed . Staffers could transfer to a different department or work away from the presence of the alleged harasser without losing their jobs if they requested it. The bill would also require Representatives and Senators to pay for their own harassment settlements. In addition the the Office of Compliance would not longer be allowed to keep settlements secret, and would be required to publicly publish the settlement amounts and associated employing offices.

    This is but one example of the good coming from the movement. No longer do women need to sit in silence over this epidemic of sexual abuse. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it shines brighter every day. Thank you to all who have come forward and stood up for themselves. May our daughters futures be safe and promising.

  15. Geawna Kalaya Hernandez

    Thank you for sharing this courageous story with us.

    There are so many women who go through these horrible experiences and I am glad that more and more are speaking out. Our world needs to know what we go through! The entire ‘Time’s Up’ movement is incredible. Whenever I hear how the stories of women from every background, every career field, every age, it reminds me that it doesn’t make you a bad person just because this happened to you. I think the ‘Times Up’ movement is doing an impeccable job of reminding women that it is not their fault! The movement is helping remind women that none of them are alone, and that’s what great. The blog mentioned how this courageous woman still victim-blames herself. I think we as a society of women need to remind those who have gone through this trauma that it is going to be okay and that we are here for them. We are here to listen, to help, to comfort, and just to be here for the down trips.

    Recently, more than 150 women have spoke out of the trauma that Larry Nassar put them through. Although it hurts to know that he was able to torture 150 women, it’s great knowing that he is now paying for what he did. I don’t know about any of you, but Judge Rosemarie Aquilina did what needed to be done! She did her job as a judge, as a citizen, as a human being, and as a strong woman!
    These are the women we need to be like! We need to stand up for what is right even when no one else does. Judge Aquilina reminded the world that men like this need no mercy! These 150 women who experienced this horrible thing also need to be reminded how strong they are. Not only for coming forward, but also for acknowledging the pain they went through. These women are reminding women everywhere that you are not alone and that justice will be served.

    Please know that you’re no alone and that this issue has come to light. The world is now changing to help women, who went through these difficult times, get through the pain. Starting with you!

  16. Wow, this just made me realize as a mother that this is terrifying. This is such an inspirational story of someone who is brave, genuinely shared the story to open her heart and help other women and including men who have gone through sexual abuse. In every single family there is one or more people who have experienced this and not willing to speak up. Shame, sadness, depression, and hitting bottom is what it takes most of the victims, and we need to stop this. I am very grateful I was able to read this because it makes me realize that women and men are sexually assaulted even by people in their own families, and other types of relationships. I believe that by speaking up like a friend did in middle school has helped her overcome little by little. She was 13 years old and in 8th grade and she went through something that I was not able to understand at that time, but she is still trying to overcome. That person never received the appropriate support from her family and neither the counseling from school. Until today, she has still felt ashamed to speak about it publicly, but I believe that if I share this story with her as many others, hopefully she realizes that it is much needed to help others out there and save lives just like this story. This type of stories can save lives and make others feel that they are not alone and they are been heard by other victims.

  17. #Metoo
    This is such an important and close to home post to me because, I am working through my own sequence of events that led to a moment that I can almost not recall because I was so completely out of my senses that it felt like an out of body experience. My personal response was that of anger, anger at myself for letting myself feel that I was safe enough to let my guard down. I’d known this person for over ten years he was my friend. We met one day to just talk and one thing led to another I was a couple drinks in and ready to leave when he offered to walk me home. I clearly expressed the fact that he was not to come inside. The bits I remember due to the fact that I blacked out most of the occurrences were of me snapping into realization and panicking. I have lost my trust in people and worst of all I’m angry at myself, while reading through a lot of the #MeToo posts I realized that a lot of people felt that very same way, and questioned why they didn’t blame their abuser.

  18. budmanbrady1953

    Emmett Till,Mack Lee Parker=#MeToo!!!!!!

  19. One of the biggest markers of the giant divide in equality in our society (both in America and as a whole) is that almost every woman you will ever meet has some sort of traumatic story or incident where a male made them feel unsafe in some way (ranging anywhere from harassment to actual assault). I am a relatively privileged white cisgender woman, living in a wealthy, liberal/progressive community but I have multiple of my own experiences (and I’m not even thirty so who knows how many more I will accrue in my lifetime). I encourage anyone who is skeptical, or feels threatened by the #MeToo movement to ask the women in their lives about their own stories, because they are bound to have them. One of the most important facets to ending rape culture is male accountability, especially when the accountability occurs in all male settings. These cycles of toxic masculinity and toxic sexual attitudes towards women are most often perpetuated in all-male settings behind closed doors (the “locker room” scenario). It can be the hardest step to take as a male to step outside of the expected social role within a group mindset and bring attention to words, actions or attitudes that are morally wrong. I always think of a personal example: seeing a male friend of mine receive a picture from another male friend of a woman taken without her permission. That friend of mine, although it was probably socially awkward for him, immediately berated his friend for violating that woman’s trust, and made it clear that he wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior. There are of course much larger forces at play encompassing the problems around rape culture, but it is also small acts of social accountability like this that will slowly break us out of our current negative social cycles.

  20. Hello. Thank you for sharing this powerful, personal post. I’m sure that this post will give another person the courage to speak the about their unjust experience. While reading your words I could feel your energy through the words you were saying. I believe that there are so many more untold stories that need to be told. I’m glad that you took the trip to Thailand and found some peace so that you could continue to heal. I’m joyous that you took time for yourself because you are precious and important. You deserve to be happy and have positive relationships that aren’t hurtful. This brings to mind two experiences I’ve had that shouldn’t have occurred. It’s fresh in my mind even though I was a young girl. But this post is about supporting you! Continue your journey to wellness!

  21. That was an incredibly tender blog post to read. The journey of recovery after trauma has no road map or guide book. I am curious how, as women, we have an instinct to hate and blame ourselves for abuse that we ultimately had no control over. How and when did we learn to “hate” ourselves when we were the victims? Is this a result of some biological self sacrificing hardwiring? It fascinates (and pains) me that shame and feelings of anger after abuse/trauma are directed towards ourselves, as though we wanted this to happen or could have foreseen things a little better to avoid it happening in the first place.

    I am so thankful for the MeToo movement, and am grateful to be alive to witness a step in advancing rights for women. Breaking the silence on misconduct that we have otherwise been conditioned to keep secret is crucial for creating change.

  22. Personally, I really wanted to comment on this post because it is rather relatable. I was sexually assaulted for the first time when I was 15. I was heartbroken because it was by someone that I trusted with my life. They took that trust and destroyed it along with my body. I was beaten and broken. I could barely physically walk. My brain blocked it out of all memory until I began to dive into the second time I was assaulted, when I was 17. The second time wasn’t as bad in some ways, but was worse in others. The second time was also by one person I trusted, and two other people I didn’t know until that night. I don’t remember a lot of the second time, due to the mixture of alcohol and drugs in my system. As I began to work through it, I remembered the first time. It hit me like a freight train. All of the emotions that came up with it and that come up with it whenever I talk about it.

  23. I found this blog about a person’s rape recovery journey one of hope and courage that will definitely help others, an amazing post. I’m so very sorry that you had to go through such a terrible experience R.G. yet with all the comments you have to know that your story has touched many hearts. Your courage has and will continue to help so many. A much publicized “#Metoo” movement has so many speaking out about the horrendous acts of sexual abuse, assault, harassment. Men and woman are speaking out to spread awareness. Oprah Winfrey in her acceptance speech on January 7th at the Golden Globes stated these resounding words that will always be remembered “inspired by all the women who have felt strong enough and empowered enough to speak up and share their personal stories.” She continued, “But it’s not just a story affecting the entertainment industry. It’s one that transcends any culture, geography, race, religion, politics or workplace.”

  24. Chinwe Idika

    I hope that she finds peace within herself. It is absolutely disgusting that rape culture and abusive relations have been normalized to the extent that it has. And in a movement that I personally identify, I feel the pain and sadness that comes with the realization that I am a statistic. It is commendable that she was able to leave an abusive relationship because it is so incredibly difficult to do so. A lot of these relationships end up becoming long-term challenges because it is almost possible to gauge how the partner will react if you leave. I have many friends who had dealt with abusive partners and it is truly heartbreaking.

    I myself have been sexually harassed multiple times. One time it happened on the light rail, and I was so infuriated that I called the police on the man and he was luckily arrested after he deboarded. However, other people who have faced similar experiences may not be so lucky. Some aggressor may live among us in our households, maybe our bosses, our educators…I just found out my middle school track coach was a child molester alongside his brother. This is an epidemic that won’t go away unless we continue to break the silence.

  25. Hello, I found this posting moved me in a very personal way as I too have been a victim of sexual assault. Although I did not always remember my trauma, I started remembering around the time I was ten years old. As a child, I imagine my mind blocked the events that happened to me as it was too terrible and traumatic for me. Being a victim leaves a lot more scars than one thinks. It affected my relationships, my ability to show love and affection, and my own thoughts about myself and what I was worth. Of course when something like this happens one always thinks, why me ? You answered this question with such insight that i applaud you. Reading what you learned about yourself reflects also what i learned about me too. Although it took time, after all these years I know that I am only stronger and that I have much more to be grateful and happy for.

  26. The #Metoo article discusses a personal story of emotional and sexual trauma, and the recovery process the individual is still going through several years later. The abused individual need the affirmation of what happened from the abuser, which is painful in its self. Then the abuser affirmed them, but didn’t respect boundaries which were set “no contact” order. The individual went through depression, suicidal thoughts, and PTSD. In this struggle, they found healing in mediation and in another location. They had to break apart to be built anew once more. They’ve found support, love, validation, and courage in their self. Despite having been abused the individual shows resilience and determination to not be defined by their trauma, but grow out of it into their self. This testimony is true for many women. The shame and embarrassment of their abuse doesn’t allow healing because they are isolated and condemned. But those who find their strength to live outside their abuse do prosper and continue their life even with the trauma scar still in their minds, or on their bodies.

  27. This was truly a beautiful post. To heal from a traumatic experience such as this is sometimes not attainable at all. The constant fear as the author mentions, is always there and can be an anchor to ones self healing and actualization. We see in a lot of cases of rape, abuse, and torment from relationships that there is a lot of self blame of the situation. I was once knew someone who was raped at a very young age and for a long time struggled with the memories, and nightmares of what had happened. There was a lot of times where she wanted to commit suicide, run away, or just disappear. It is the best thing to see someone overcome the situation the way the author did. Sadly, the person I knew never fully recovered and to this day is not in good shape, but she continues to move on with life and will slowly but surely achieve the ultimate goal of healing. Time and healing unfortunately can never overcome fully what the horrors and utter evil that some men do to women, but there is always support from others that keeps us going. We are our best friends and our worst enemies.

  28. Every time I read stories like these, my heart aches and warms up inside. I absolutely adore that your friend was able to strengthen, love, and validate herself after such a traumatic experience. I know so many people who have been raped by people closest to them as young girls and still struggle with loving themselves, and I always hope that as they have grown into the beautiful people that they are, that they see themselves how I see them. I have never been sexually assaulted but have dealt with different forms of harassment and it’s still hard for me to process and respond in a way for me to positively react. I think it is so easy to invalidate the discomfort and pain we feel when it comes to these situations. As someone who not only despises conflict, and struggles with anxiety disorder, confronting the people who make me feel unsafe, whether they intend to or not, is extremely terrifying to me. When reading this story, it gives me hope that I can stand up against my fears, as well as gives me hope for my friends who have experienced the unacceptable act of being raped.

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