How To O0oooo

in bed and happyAfter lecturing on sexuality, from time to time a student will shyly approach me after class to say:

I don’t know how to have an orgasm. Do you have any resources to recommend?

Well, they used to approach me. Because now I include this information as part of the lecture.

Here’s what I tell them:

Yes, you can

Among physically healthy women, nothing seems to distinguish those who do and who do not climax.

The main problems seem to be:

And distraction comes in many forms:

  • Focusing on his pleasure while ignoring your own
  • Wondering: How do I look?
  • Multitasking: Sex while planning what you’ll say at tomorrow’s business meeting
  • Worrying: Can the kids hear? Or the neighbors?
  • Re-evaluating your partner’s mate value. He’s not considerate… She doesn’t value me… He doesn’t find me attractive…
  • Worrying that you won’t orgasm. Or judging that “this” or “that” probably won’t get you there — even though it might if you would let go and feel into it

A therapist may be able to help you understand possible guilt feelings, or what is distracting you, and help you to free your mind.

Here’s what else you can do:

Get to know your body

A lot of women feel guilty about masturbating. But it’s the best way to get to know your body and what creates pleasure.

If you would like more directed help, take a look at this book:

Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, By Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo.

Becoming Orgasmic has “directed masturbation” exercises to help locate pleasurable areas to stimulate until “something happens.”

Do it yourself. Don’t bring your partner in until you understand your body well enough to give direction.

“Directed masturbation” seems to work really well. One study found that after two months of treatment every woman could attain orgasm during masturbation, and nearly half could even climax during intercourse.

And don’t be shy about buying a helpful tool!

Get to know what turns you on

Notice what turns you on in your mind, too. Maybe you’ve heard something or seen something that got you going. That’s a resource. Or check out the erotic section of your local bookstore.

Don’t TRY to orgasm

While exploring your body focus on what feels good. DON’T focus on having an orgasm. Actually, don’t even have that thought in the back of your mind.

Because if your goal is orgasm you’re likely to feel pressured to have one, and then you’ll worry that you won’t. And that will kill any erotic impulse in your body — we’re going for erotic, not anxious, here.

Practice, practice, practice

And finally, practice, practice, practice. As your body starts to learn how to do it, it gets easier.

The more you do it the easier it comes — pun intended.

Sources: Why Women Have SexBecoming Orgasmic and For Yourself

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on August 1, 2016, in psychology, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. I think a lot of women can attest to falling into these many distractions listed. I feel like most of these distractions can be attributed to the way society has objectified women. No matter the context of the advertisements found all over media, the woman is always shown to be attractive by our culture’s standards. We see it all around us and we become accustomed to what these standards are. We must be sexy and satisfying for our partner but at the same time, we were taught that our sexuality was bad.

    Being conflicted between two types of learned behavior can be tricky. How does one give pleasure and look sexy while at the same time worry about this exact type of behavior being heard negatively by others? Thinking too much about anything can cause anyone to fumble. Learning to relax and be free is the tough part. Thank you for the insightful read.

  2. Sylvain Lechair

    Lecture intéressante et distrayante comme toujours sur ce blog.

  3. Sex is easy right…wrong. We are taught about the birds and the bees between the ages of 10-13. There is really no right or wrong way about it, sex is personal and different for everyone. This is important to understand, as the fact that media plays such a large structure of how sex should happen, sound, and look like. I think a big thing that is happening to the young adults of todays society is that they are so used to seeing these sex senses in movies that are so explosive and loud…they are like you can’t miss it. I also think for each woman the orgasm is different unlike men, they know they’ve had an orgasm once they have ejaculated. Whereas women are a little different in the sense that they feel it, i agree with you that it is important for women to learn about their bodies because if you don’t know and understand yourself how are you meant to tell your partner what you are really in need of to achieve the ultimate goal which is orgasm.

  4. Hi! May I ask you a question?

  5. Great tips… I agree on the factors that divert attention, so to speak… I believe that having a lush imagination from an erotic point of view and being `creative´ help a lot too… … Sending best wishes. Aquileana 😉

  6. Neat summation of ways and means approach to orgasm. Probably it may interest you to know that the most comprehensive treatise on the art of sex was written by an Indian sage. If you can get your hands on it, please do read ‘Kama Sutra’ by Vatsyayana. Originally written in Sanskrit somewhere between first and fourth centuries, English translation of this masterly work is available.

    • Sounds like a good one.

      Of course, that was written at a time when the world was pretty sex-positive, so that women weren’t so unconsciously blocked. I’ve noticed that is hard for men to understand how repression affects women — so much that nearly half of American women have little or no interest in sex these days.

      But once women can get out of that and discover the basics of orgasm, That sounds like a great resource!

  7. Another insightful post. Love it. As they say practice makes perfect. Or in this case orgasmic! 🙂 🙂

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