How To O0oooo
I don’t know how to have an orgasm. Do you have any resources to recommend?
Well, they used to approach me. Because now I include this information as part of the lecture.
Here’s what I tell them:
Yes, you can
Among physically healthy women, nothing seems to distinguish those who do and who do not climax.
The main problems seem to be:
- Not knowing your body
- Not receiving enough stimulation
- Guilt. Not necessarily conscious, or felt in the moment. But after years of practicing “not feeling” due to guilt, you can’t feel anymore.
- Getting distracted
And distraction comes in many forms:
- Focusing on his pleasure while ignoring your own
- Wondering: How do I look?
- Multitasking: Sex while planning what you’ll say at tomorrow’s business meeting
- Worrying: Can the kids hear? Or the neighbors?
- Re-evaluating your partner’s mate value. He’s not considerate… She doesn’t value me… He doesn’t find me attractive…
- Worrying that you won’t orgasm. Or judging that “this” or “that” probably won’t get you there — even though it might if you would let go and feel into it
A therapist may be able to help you understand possible guilt feelings, or what is distracting you, and help you to free your mind.
Here’s what else you can do:
Get to know your body
A lot of women feel guilty about masturbating. But it’s the best way to get to know your body and what creates pleasure.
If you would like more directed help, take a look at this book:
Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, By Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo.
Becoming Orgasmic has “directed masturbation” exercises to help locate pleasurable areas to stimulate until “something happens.”
Do it yourself. Don’t bring your partner in until you understand your body well enough to give direction.
“Directed masturbation” seems to work really well. One study found that after two months of treatment every woman could attain orgasm during masturbation, and nearly half could even climax during intercourse.
And don’t be shy about buying a helpful tool!
Get to know what turns you on
Notice what turns you on in your mind, too. Maybe you’ve heard something or seen something that got you going. That’s a resource. Or check out the erotic section of your local bookstore.
Don’t TRY to orgasm
While exploring your body focus on what feels good. DON’T focus on having an orgasm. Actually, don’t even have that thought in the back of your mind.
Because if your goal is orgasm you’re likely to feel pressured to have one, and then you’ll worry that you won’t. And that will kill any erotic impulse in your body — we’re going for erotic, not anxious, here.
Practice, practice, practice
And finally, practice, practice, practice. As your body starts to learn how to do it, it gets easier.
The more you do it the easier it comes — pun intended.