Coming With Your Partner

couple in bedIf you don’t climax when you are with your partner you’re not alone. Less than one-third of women say they do.

But twice as many orgasm when they “do it” alone (aka masturbation). Like this 54-year-old:

I have never had an orgasm except by myself, so my definition of “heterosexual pleasure” is sensuous rather than sensual.

What to do?

Women are more likely to orgasm by themselves because they know exactly where, how, and how long before they should stop doing one thing and start doing another. So they can immediately respond to bodily feedback. It’s just easier than directing a partner.

And who knows, maybe you can just focus better. Maybe you’re less distracted than when you are thinking about what to do for him or what your body looks like or worrying that you might disappoint if you don’t come.

But if you want to climax with a partner, there are things you can do to help make that happen say University of Texas, Austin psychologists, Cindy Mesten and David Buss.

Tell your partner what works

No surprise, but it helps to tell your lover what works.

Yet a lot of women don’t because they fear offending. And some might get offended, but:

  1. These people are not the best sex partners
  2. Each woman is unique, so no one can know what works for everyone

Others avoid verbalizing because they don’t want to spoil mood. But there are ways of communicating other than words — soft moaning or hard moaning or your breath.

Speaking of which:

Moaning helps

It turns out that moaning isn’t just an expression of enjoyment. It actually helps women to enjoy sex.

Partly because non-verbal utterances can be a less distracting and more immediate way of clueing your partner in to what your body is feeling than stopping to use words — which creates a break between the feeling and the communication. And which may also move the mind into verbal mode and out of sensuous mode.

Moaning also helps women to focus on sex. It seems to direct energy to what’s happening right now — sexually — instead of wandering mentally elsewhere.

That’s helpful because it’s not uncommon for women to multitask during sex. Yes, you are caressing your partner, but you’re also thinking through the conversation you had with your boss yesterday, or the papers your kids need signed for tomorrow.

Let your partner explore

You can also let your partner explore. You might both be pleasantly surprised.

Instead of directing him to go places that you know work, let him explore as your light — or heavy — moaning directs him.

Again, let go of any felt NEED to feel anything. Just let go and feel into it.

Guys: Don’t ask “Did you come?”

And guys: when you’re with your lady DO be concerned that she’s enjoying herself, and DO focus on helping her to climax. But DON’T ask her,

Did you come?

Because when she hears that she’s likely to start feeling pressured, and to start worrying that she won’t come. And that moves her out of the erotic and into anxiety.

Prioritize your own pleasure

A lot of women aren’t “feeling it” because they are too focused on their partners’ pleasure: how she looks to him, how he feels… Like this woman:

When I was single, I had sex for my own personal pleasure. Now that I am married, I have sex to please my husband. My own pleasure doesn’t seem as important as his. I believe he feels the same way.

It’s hard to stay interested when only one of you is being pleasured. Besides, most men want their partners to enjoy themselves during sex.

And if she’s bored, he won’t enjoy himself either, when she starts avoiding sex.

Sources: Why Women Have Sex and For Yourself

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on September 21, 2015, in relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Also, the female body is a bit trickier than the male body. It takes a bit to figure out how your body works, not just in general, but with each partner. Back when I was single, it usually took me at least three or four times with a new partner before I figured out how to come with him.

  2. Good post.

    Like everything else in a relationship, communication, verbal and non-verbal make a big difference.

    I had to laugh at the “Did you come?” line. If someone has to ask, there is a strong possibility the answer is “No”.

  3. Interesting thoughts re. moaning!

    • Yeah. I was surprised when I heard that morning actually helps women to focus on sex!

      • “morning” LOL! I guess that does work for some too.

        Anyhow, I get that you probably meant moaning.

        Good post. Just a lot of conflicting data out here on the % of women who don’t experience orgasm during intercourse..

      • I’m glad you liked the post.

        I reread and don’t see “Morning.” Which sentence is it in? Maybe it was in my comment? (#@$ Voice activated software!)

        re the conflicting data see my other comment to you, below.

  4. The best thing I can for and with my partner is to listen to her, not just her moaning, but her eyes, her breath, her intensity, her fear, her lust, her anger, her deep dark power of the feminine wanting to reproduce, her anger, her shutting down, her dictating pace when she feels empowered to do so. We only pay attention, diligent attention to what our partner’s say. It helps me so much more to listen all of the communicating, not just the moans that she is expressing to me.
    Also a blanket statement that “Men’s bodies are seem to work pretty much the same with this,” is stereotypical and I cant say empirically that I dont think it is true, but I have been a different lover with every women I have been with.

    • Mind if I quote you on the first part?

      On the second point, From what I’ve read guys just basically need some friction, The woman doesn’t have to figure out a particular way to provide the friction for him in a way that is different with this guy, does she? Whereas women’s genitals are so clear. Touching one woman in one place will be a big turn on but not another. So it doesn’t seem as clear and straightforward for women.

      • OH, BB, “just basically need some friction,” might work when your 18, but I would argue, anecdotally of course, that it may be slightly different at 58. 🙂 You can always use whatever I write. Your’s is one of a few blogs that tackle the issue most dont want to talk about……SEX!!
        Thanks for the dialogue!!

      • That makes sense. Thanks for your thoughts. And thanks for permission to Quote.

  5. “If you don’t climax when you are with your partner you’re not alone. Less than one-third of women say they do.”

    This seems to be at odds with the assertion that only about one third of women experience orgasm during sex,

    “2. A majority of women orgasm at least once per sex act.”

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-women-really-feel-about-sex-survey_55f83bdde4b09ecde1d9b5e6?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women&section=women

    How do you explain this huge discrepancy?

    • The conflicting data isn’t hard to explain it. First, take a look at the research and how it was done.

      The so-called “study” which claims that a majority of women orgasm about once per sex act was done like this:

      “A survey run by fertility app Kindara, which surveyed 500 women who used the app.”

      That’s not a scientific sample. Women who are more into sex are more likely to take these sorts of surveys in the first place. And this sort of survey will probably exclude the large number of women (nearly half — a number which is replicated in many studies) who are sexually uninterested and not having sex. Who knows there could be something about this sample that leads them to exaggerate in order to look good?

      And these are asking different questions. “Did you orgasm” versus “did you orgasm with your partner”? It could be that some women orgasm while they’re in the presence of their partner by using a vibrator or masturbation, but not necessarily WITH their partner.

      Why does media post faulty research? Journalists can be lazy, or too trusting. But most times the reason is this: Eyeballs.

      Sensational headlines get a lot of hits — accompanied by advertising dollars (the number of advertising dollars a publisher gets depends on how many eyeballs they get).
      http://www.mercurynews.com/opinion/ci_28382393/elizabeth-u-cascio-heres-how-sniff-out-bad

  6. Women’s bodies are mysterious and wonderful. Orgasm is easier when done by oneself – this is true for both males and females. But most feel it’s nicer when someone else is doing it. So women have to get over their reservations and speak up. Give feedback (moaning is definitely a good cue). Your partner can’t guess. If a man is touching you, he cares. He wants you to enjoy yourself. He wants to make you feel good. This is a good man! So give him a little help. You don’t have to criticize what he’s doing, you can simply indicate what feels BEST to YOU. It’s worth it!

  7. My favorite is the last one. It’s easy for a woman to focus primarily on her partner rather than dropping into her own pleasure- which makes for less connected sex all around cuz she’s not inner connected. Not saying that to blame at all. A lot of women tend to want to please and give and nurture the other person. And I do think most men want their partner to feel good even if they don’t know what pushes her buttons- no reason everyone can feel good at the same time… best kind of sex if you ask me 😉

  8. Every woman reacts differently, but, I think most of the men react in the same way during sex. Talking and letting the partner know one’s priorities, definitely help… 🙂 I also agree with your other points here…”Yes, you are caressing your partner, but you’re also thinking through the conversation you had with your boss yesterday, or the papers your kids need signed for tomorrow.” LOL but true… 😛 😀

  9. I feel that a lot of men think all women are the same when it comes to sex. They find one technique that worked for one woman in the past to come, so they use that same tactic for every other woman they’re with. When I am with a partner I always ask them how they like it and what feels best for them. I know that all men are different and that different things get guys off. There is this misconception that vaginal intercourse alone will make a woman come. Not true at all, although it does work for some woman there is still a lot of women that need clit stimulation or nipple stimulation to get them to come. Also I feel that a lot of women don’t voice what they need to get to come. Along with the article I find that yes some men will get offended when you tell them what to do. I guess it is an ego thing, your guy wants to feel like he’s the best lay and knows how to make any girl come. You hear a lot that woman fake orgasms, you never really hear about men faking orgasms. When you fake an orgasm you are really just hurting yourself. Now your guy thinks that is what it takes to make you come, so he keeps doing it the same way. Your partner wants to please you so don’t lie and be sure to voice what you need.

  10. As much as people have sex its a bit shocking to hear that less than one third of women do not experience orgasms. Hearing this statistic makes myself and probably other men ask, “Dr. Drew, my partner told me she comes, is she faking it?” This article reveals that most women do not come with a partner but can by themselves. As natural as sex is, many distractions and biological differences make is difficult for women to climax. It takes patience and exploring to figure out what works and what does not. Talking during sex is a distraction to some people and feels unnatural during sex, so asking for directions is a bit of a turn off. Due to the different sensitivities and biology of people, helping a women come is going to take some trial and error, with the help of some nonverbal interpretation skills. Also, a woman may not be in the proper mindset to help achieve climax, but rather be focused on helping her partner achieve climax. Its difficult to narrow the cause to one thing as it may be as it may be any mix or variation of these orgasm-inhibitors. And never ask, “Did you come?” Its may develop another potential psychological orgasm roadblock for her during the heat of the moment.

    • Well they could come in the presence of their partner, maybe by using a vibrator. Between 30-40% of women report difficulty climaxing. Studies suggest that about 10% can’t orgasm at all. So it’s not quite as bad as it seems. But there are still a lot of problems.

      Thanks for your thoughts on this.

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