Coming With Your Partner
If you don’t climax when you are with your partner you’re not alone. Less than one-third of women say they do.
But twice as many orgasm when they “do it” alone (aka masturbation). Like this 54-year-old:
I have never had an orgasm except by myself, so my definition of “heterosexual pleasure” is sensuous rather than sensual.
What to do?
Women are more likely to orgasm by themselves because they know exactly where, how, and how long before they should stop doing one thing and start doing another. So they can immediately respond to bodily feedback. It’s just easier than directing a partner.
And who knows, maybe you can just focus better. Maybe you’re less distracted than when you are thinking about what to do for him or what your body looks like or worrying that you might disappoint if you don’t come.
But if you want to climax with a partner, there are things you can do to help make that happen say University of Texas, Austin psychologists, Cindy Mesten and David Buss.
Tell your partner what works
No surprise, but it helps to tell your lover what works.
Yet a lot of women don’t because they fear offending. And some might get offended, but:
- These people are not the best sex partners
- Each woman is unique, so no one can know what works for everyone
Others avoid verbalizing because they don’t want to spoil mood. But there are ways of communicating other than words — soft moaning or hard moaning or your breath.
Speaking of which:
It turns out that moaning isn’t just an expression of enjoyment. It actually helps women to enjoy sex.
Partly because non-verbal utterances can be a less distracting and more immediate way of clueing your partner in to what your body is feeling than stopping to use words — which creates a break between the feeling and the communication. And which may also move the mind into verbal mode and out of sensuous mode.
Moaning also helps women to focus on sex. It seems to direct energy to what’s happening right now — sexually — instead of wandering mentally elsewhere.
That’s helpful because it’s not uncommon for women to multitask during sex. Yes, you are caressing your partner, but you’re also thinking through the conversation you had with your boss yesterday, or the papers your kids need signed for tomorrow.
Let your partner explore
You can also let your partner explore. You might both be pleasantly surprised.
Instead of directing him to go places that you know work, let him explore as your light — or heavy — moaning directs him.
Again, let go of any felt NEED to feel anything. Just let go and feel into it.
Guys: Don’t ask “Did you come?”
And guys: when you’re with your lady DO be concerned that she’s enjoying herself, and DO focus on helping her to climax. But DON’T ask her,
Did you come?
Because when she hears that she’s likely to start feeling pressured, and to start worrying that she won’t come. And that moves her out of the erotic and into anxiety.
Prioritize your own pleasure
A lot of women aren’t “feeling it” because they are too focused on their partners’ pleasure: how she looks to him, how he feels… Like this woman:
When I was single, I had sex for my own personal pleasure. Now that I am married, I have sex to please my husband. My own pleasure doesn’t seem as important as his. I believe he feels the same way.
It’s hard to stay interested when only one of you is being pleasured. Besides, most men want their partners to enjoy themselves during sex.
And if she’s bored, he won’t enjoy himself either, when she starts avoiding sex.