Heart-connected lovers

By Jordan Paul PhD @ Good Men Project

Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.

Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.

For example, in 1993 I did an illuminating 25 minute interview with my dear friend Robert Eichberg, founder of National Coming Out Day, about his new book Coming Out An Act of Love. As we discussed his book, sometimes with humor and sometimes tearing up, we marveled over our common experiences. The information we shared is just as poingnant today as it was then. You can enjoy it by clicking here.

Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed.

#1. GETTING MY SEXUAL NEEDS MET WILL SATISFY ME

Popular pursuits such as building sexual performance with artificially producing erections or orgasms, and pornography that encourages narcissism by making humans into sexual objects to be used and discarded, are not formulas that lead to sexual fulfillment.

Although sexual experiences focused on getting one’s own needs met are not wrong or bad, they never leave me feeling completely satisfied or fulfilled. When my focus is on getting something such as pleasure, power, or feeling manly, my heart is not in the experience. Such times might leave me feeling good in the moment but the feelings quickly fade.

As in all areas of life, I can never get enough of that which I do not need. It’s by giving that I receive lasting satisfaction and fulfillment because it meets one of our most basic needs – self-esteem. Sexual experiences that include the openness and honesty of heart connections create an emotional intimacy, creativity, passion and pleasure that fills me up and never grows old and boring.

#2. SEX NATURALLY BECAMES ROUTINE AND LESS FREQUENT

Heart-connected sex is an improvisational dance that doesn’t follow a set pattern but spontaneously winds through a never-ending variety of paths and possibilities. 

Feeling fulfilled flows naturally from an emotional connection. Even in aging as the sex drive lessens, the desire for physical closeness and an emotional connection remain forever.

Although there is nothing wrong with sex as a purely physical act, it is hearts connecting that creates sexual fulfillment. Heart-connected sex is making love and that remains as one of the primary areas for nurturing and supporting the well-being of partners. And, Viagra is never needed to keep your heart on.

What differences have you found between the times when the focus of your sexual experiences were in getting and those where the focus was on giving?

Reposted by permission from The Good Men Project. For more from Dr. Paul, see these:

• Sex Beyond Belief: 14 False Beliefs and Beyond
• Forget Masculinity