Should Women Give Men The Porn Star Experience?

The porn star experience?

The porn star experience?

A lot of guys have come to expect P.S.E. [the “Porn-Star Experience”] … and plenty of women are more than happy to oblige. A few might enjoy it, but for most it’s harrowing. I think there’s a fear that if they can’t make it happen, their boyfriend will retreat online.

That’s from Sadie, a real estate agent, talking about what women do for men who find “normal” sex dull after extreme online porn.

Davy Rothbart blames porn overuse for his own difficulties enjoying real sex with real women:

For a lot of guys, switching gears from porn’s fireworks and whiz-bangs to the comparatively mundane calm of ordinary sex is like leaving halfway through an Imax 3-D movie to check out a flipbook… (So women) willingly play along by a new set of rules in order to keep their men interested.

Should women give men PSE?

Should women give men the porn star experience?

If they’re both loving it, why not?

But should women undergo pain in order to supply their men over-the-top pleasure?

Robert Jensen, a University of Texas professor and feminist who speaks on pornography, says women frequently ask him whether they should fulfill their guys’ disturbing requests.

Or they ask why men want them to perform acts that they find upsetting, whether

ejaculating on her face, anal sex, a threesome with another man or woman, rough sex or role-playing that feels inauthentic to her.

“I love him,” they say, “and I want to be a good partner. Should I do it?”

Here’s the perspective of this thoughtful feminist man:

Some women are game, he recognizes, but those who are not are under no obligation, no matter the level of commitment, to participate in any sexual activity that causes pain, discomfort or distress.

It’s great to honestly discuss desires and be open, he adds, but partners should also be clear about what crosses the line.

Why does he want to do that to me?

When asked,

Why does he want to do that to me?

Jensen responds, to paraphrase:

In patriarchy, men are socialized to understand sex in the context of men’s domination and women’s submission… Pornography isn’t images of ‘just sex,’ but sex in the context of male dominance that includes little recognition by men of the potential for pain, discomfort or distress in their women partners.

Ejaculating on a woman’s face is largely about humiliation. Rough sex often enacts male dominance, and threesomes can be seen as male ownership of sex-object women who fawn over him. And whenever a guy wants a woman to do what he wants, however distressful she finds it, that’s patriarchy in play, too.

Why can’t he understand that I don’t want to do it?

Next, women wonder why their men can’t understand that they don’t want to do certain things.

Jensen says strong sexual desire plays a role. But so does an absence of empathy – the ability to imagine what another person is feeling. These men think the acts sound exciting and they can’t envision their partners not feeling the same way.

A lack of empathy may be a warning sign when people are unwilling to grow, for healthy relationships require it.

Be sexual, not a sex object

Jensen recommends a vision of equality and moving away from objectifying women to overcome these problems.

Bottom line for women: Stay true to your values and to who you are.

Men and women might also want to have a conversation about what they want in their relationship and how these sort of experiences fit into that – or don’t.

And, I’m guessing that most men are into sex enough to be able to enjoy things that their partners also enjoy, even if that doesn’t include facials.

This is a rerun. I’m on Spring Break.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs
Real Women Competing With Porn Stars
Women Want Emotionally Connected Sex. Why?

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on March 30, 2015, in feminism, men, objectification, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. interesting – Powerful – I know. firsthand that it’s impossible for men to form even the simplest thought after the blood rushes south from our genius noggins. Can I get a witness?

    • I guess it helps to have these conversations at a time when that’s not happening, then. But certainly enough blood remains in men’s brains for men to choose to act in ways that don’t harm. After all, most men don’t harm. And I’m guessing you would agree.

  2. Women are, as men, autonomous beings capable of governing their own lives. That is an idea I believe all very young girls and boys should be taught–respect for each other.

    Still, I think some will grow up enjoying rough sex and other acts humiliating to some but not others. Being honest with a potential partner is best, of course. Knowing that sex may be imminent, one should be open and honest about his/her proclivities, or disdain for such.

    • Yeah. It’s not that people should not engage in PSE. It’s that guys shouldn’t pressure partners into doing things they don’t want to do. It’ll just backfire in the long run, anyway, as she’ll lose interest in sex with him because it means doing stuff she doesn’t like. People want to keep doing things they enjoy — and stop doing things they don’t enjoy. And I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard for men to find something they would enjoy that their partners would too.

  3. I think this post is a must read, indeed…
    I found particularly interesting the excerpt above, which I quote again:
    “In patriarchy, men are socialized to understand sex in the context of men’s domination and women’s submission… Pornography isn’t images of ‘just sex,’ but sex in the context of male dominance”…
    Well and the examples speak out loud…. I have been through many of the experiences or better said requests you mentioned above and it is true to the agreement to do certain things has to be with the need to please… But there are unpleasant things that some women consider normal, such as anal sex or ejaculation in the mouth when it comes to oral sex…at the end we accept doing it because other women do it…
    I believe there is also a need to neutralize potential rivals, as sexual performance might be considered a must have… So at the end, I think that when one does what really doesn’t like to it is because you are self-conscious, at the end. Well, I speak for myself and based on my own experiences.
    Thanks for sharing this great post, Georgia. Best wishes, Aquileana 😀

    • Thanks. And it eventually backfires when women no longer like sex because it’s distressing.

    • There are plenty of women who like anal sex. Why should it be considered unpleasant? If a woman isn’t into it, then fine, don’t do it. But to say it’s unpleasant or an act that’s bad, just because some women don’t like it. If it’s unpleasant then most women wouldn’t do it or like it. But enough women like it or are fine with it for it to not be unpleasant. It’s not something for every woman of course, but enough are fine. And I don’t know why swallowing is a bad thing unless its something a woman really finds gross.

      But many girls do it. I could understand cumming on a woman’s face, that seems degrading. I don’t see cumming in a girl’s mouth if she is fine with it as degrading. If she doesn;t want it then yeah or opposed to it. But the difference is guy,s wanting to cum on a girls face, I think that could be a dominance, humilitaiton thing, Her swallowing I think is more of men not needing it done, but loving one who do it, because it’s like a sign of her pure lust for your body and dick. I mean she’s swallowing your man sauce right?

      Women don’t understand why that’s important or such a turn on, but then again women are the sex objects, men aren;t. In that one instance, the man is and can feel like the sex object and pure lustful object of her desire from that. And on the same token, Plenty of guy’s eat girls out or turned on with girls being on top of their faces when eating them out. You don’t think some of that “wetness” doesn’t on the guy’s face? Are these men finding it degrading? No, actuallly probalby more likely turned on and loving it done. Maybe the problem is men are more sexual than women. So men are less apt to feel degraded and humiliated than women. Afterall, there are things men can have women do that you’d find would be humiliating the man or degrading him, like sittting on his face, but being humilitated can get fetish turn on for men just as much as dominating.

      • I think she was talking in terms of women who don’t like this sort of thing. But I do have some survey numbers on anal sex. It’s the number one most unwanted sexual request made by men to women. Most women positively detest the idea of it, according to research. The idea just seems painful to most women. Anal sex largely lacks mutual pleasure for most couples. Only 15% of never-married women ages 18-23, surveyed by an Add Health study, who have ever have anal sex reported liking it very much.

        But a lot of men are probably surprised to hear this. Porn makes it look like women love it. And articles in Maxim magazine that talk about unique positions ignore any question about how women feel about them — which they very often don’t like. But the fact that this sort of thing is out there in porn and “lad mags” like Maxim can be confusing to men — or at least misinforming them.

      • Each woman and man is different, so all you say is relative. I didn’t say anything was bad as you said.. Any act itself is not but the experience maybe… Most times things turn out one way or the other according to how we live them… Period.

  4. Georgia, when you say “A lack of empathy may be a warning sign when people are unwilling to grow, for healthy relationships require it.” I think this statement is really important. That right there is like a red flag.

  5. “And articles in Maxim magazine that talk about unique positions ignore any question about how women feel about them — which they very often don’t like.”

    I’ve come across articles about crazy, wild or unique sex positions. I looked on maxim on the web now and didn’t see an article as far as “unique” sex positions even when googling. But I doubt it’s any different from other mags sex position articles, as I’ve seen ones about unique sex positions, just not from maxim. I don’t have nor ready maxim.

    But my take from what I’ve seen is while some positions, sure won’t be comfortable for a woman like one’s that require her to bend like a pretzel or feet back to her head, there are other positions however that are not taxing like that and simply interesting variety. So not all are bad or are mixed with some being variations and others taxing, but all though some might not be good, all of them shouldn’t be not liked. You said women very often don’t like making it seem like most of the positions instead of some are not like on the list. Sounds like women didn;t like trying them or just against the positions.

    What does this say about women? I hear how couples and women even like to spice things up in a relationship as things can get stale with the same old. Yet, women very often aren;t liking sex positions that are unique or differenty and apparently want to stick with vanilla sex, and the same old positions. You don’t need to go through the playbook of sex positions, but it’s a good thing for women to be open and enjoy different, unique positions. Makes women sound prude and unsexual.

    • Just because someone feels a sex position is uncomfortable that doesn’t make them a prude. It’s just that we don’t seem to expect men to do things that are uncomfortable for them. Turning into a pretzel, double penetration, and anal sex all do seem to hurt. Even porn stars often say so and most people don’t think of them as prude.

      That said, we do also repress women’s sexuality, making it even less likely that they would want to do a lot of these things. So we repress them, and then we blame them.

      I did Google Maxim last week and saw an article on how to do butt play. Didn’t read it so I’m not sure whether they are talking about something women tend to dislike anal sex. Whether or not that’s what they are talking about in that article, I didn’t mean that it’s every single issue that they talk about this sort of thing.

      • Some positions could be uncomfortable, but not all. I’ve seen the list of such stuff and sure anal sex, double penetration or folding deck chair position would or could be uncomfortable. But other positions on unique positions lists aren’t something that would be that uncomfortable or are simply the man and woman aligned in a unique, different, creative way, that doesn’t put that much stress on either body. Maybe a little because of some manuever but not that bad. Plus there are sex positions that men will try, every once in a while to add spice, even though its more straining and more rigorous than say regular missionary or doggy style.

        Standing sex for example, which a man lifts his woman. Is that not more of a strain than regular missionary. It’s more of a strain on him then her, afterall, he’s carrying and lifting her body weight. Yet, it can be fun,as long as the man knows to not lift more than he should. If his woman is heavier, or he’s skinny and not that strong, then it’s not the best idea. If he;s a big strong man and his gf is regular size or petite then that’s not much of a problem and even with some “work” from that sex positon, its’ not that bad accordance to her weight, and his size and strength. It’s not something to do all the time because of that, but it adds something or can add spice and add a dominance thing to play out which he and she can both enjoy.

        So even that said plenty of men stiil are willing and will do that from time to time. I don’t see anything wrong with doing things here and there that can be fun but expend more energy, therefore an every now and then thing instead of routine. Guy’s seem to have less of a problem with that or negotiating can be done for maybe a short period or a more taxing positon and then back to a regular less taxing position. If women aren;t interested in unique sex positions from maxim or other mags, it has to be more so than simply a basis of such positions being uncomfortable. Because otherwise there’d be some of the positions women would be interested in from that list or more interest or atleast split. It seems also just as much as women not wanting to do different things or anything that could be a little more effort and work, and go with the routine, vanilla, lazy route. There’s nothing wrong to have a little stretch, or workout out with some sex positons every now and then.

      • If women feel pressured to do things they find distressful,

        1) their partners are not empathetic — and it’s not good to be with unemphatic partners
        2) the women will soon lose interest in sex, completely

        Surely, couples can find things to do that they both enjoy!

  6. “Any act itself is not but the experience maybe… Most times things turn out one way or the other according to how we live them… Period.”

    Well some acts could be more unpleasant or extreme than others. So it’s not all about the experience but the act too. I don’t think such acts like you mentioned, atleast swallowing are or should be as unpleasant as say, some of the extreme stuff that goes on in the bdsm world. Yet, there are women who like that and men so there ya go.

  7. I definitely don’t think there is anything wrong with giving the “porn” experience if that is what both people want. The question that comes up for me is are there other, underlying reasons behind that wanting? Is it an authentic, empowered choice or because one or both people think that is what is supposed to happen, what is needed to keep/please the other, etc.

    • Yeah, sometimes everyone wants it and that’s fine. But sometimes Women are just doing it to please the guy in the short-term, Which backfires in the long-term when she loses interest in sex. And I also wonder how often guys want this because that’s what exciting sex is depicted as being like and not because they’re genuinely interested.

  8. “If women feel pressured to do things they find distressful,

    1) their partners are not empathetic — and it’s not good to be with unemphatic partners
    2) the women will soon lose interest in sex, completely

    Surely, couples can find things to do that they both enjoy!”

    Not if it’s common for women to be disinterested in all “unique” sex positions. These women seem pretty boring and vanilla. It’s understandable to not want to do some uncomfortable positions that are unique, but some also have to not really be uncomfortable and more of a variation of a position. If women are uninterested in trying interesting or different positions, even some that aren;t or shouldn’t be uncomfortable, then I don’t know a couple or a man that wants a little something different added or some kink will have fun down the road. Sure both things they can enjoy, vanilla sex…

    • If they are uninterested in everything, whether it’s distressful or not, it’s probably because their sexuality has been repressed. So that’s something that needs to be dealt with on the cultural level, and individually.

  9. I always think keeping real is important and that is how true connections occur and remain in place ~ but there is also the fun of walking on the wild-side for both parties that can work (if not be laughed about later). Keeping the flow with the people we love (whether it is sexual or just taking a short drive/hike into the mountains. Another wonderful post!

  10. Christopher vaquerano

    I recently watched a Ted talk on this subject and found a lot of connections between what has been said here and what Teds guest speaker was saying in that porn has fed unrealistic and dominating desires to men that many men (as was above mentioned) find it difficult to have “ordinary” sex due to hyper exposure to pornography. In the age of availability, porn has really found its vein on the web and has become an almost overbearing and daily presence in our daily lives. With the lack of restriction and control due to too many variables porn has been found by a demographic that is getting younger and it seems to me volatile. I feel like sexual assaults may be influenced by the porn industry in that these young men watching women being brutalized with “pleasure” at a high volume causes distortion in the perception of sexual experience. For a young male being exposed to “gang bangs” and humiliation on a continuous and unrestricted level he might begin to perceive women as sex starved sluts that want or even need to be brutalized, at which point moralities go out the window. Young women are effected as well even if they do not watch the acts themselves because the pressure to be accepted leaves them feeling as though their options include rejection or submission and at that point we create what we denounce, we creat a “slut” then humiliate the”slut” because she deserves it and brutilized the “slut” because it’s what she wants. Pornography teaches its own set of moralities which go against the humane but we yield because we would rather not be outcasts if we can help it. I work with 7 women and I along with one other male employee had a conversation about porn, i was surprised when I was made fun of for not watching porn by all of them as they ganged up on me, they pecked at my masculinity as well as my sexuality knowing that I am in a committed at fulfilling relationship with a female, in the end I felt humiliated but more than that I felt confused because I had the impression that most of the women would take my side but I was solo wrong. At the moment I said the word porno and not porn I was met with laughter which was soo weird to me. I have not watched porn for over a year and I cant say that i left it willingly at first but perspective and time have shown the the addictive and subliminal nature of it and I feel like it’s super sad stepping out of the norm in that it almost feels disgusting knowing the delusion suffered but it opens your eyes to song lyrics and advertising that is corrupted and sexualized because when your involved in watching countless hours of hyper extreme sexual content, a backup dancer wearing almost nothing and a singer speaking about his “hoes” almost seems dull.

    • Thanks for sharing your experience. That’s really troubling what you relate about those women’s reactions to your not watching porn. Keep in mind that whenever you see putdowns it’s really about a person’s insecurity. At least one of those women felt insecure and wanted to create a sense of superiority. (Who knows, maybe she has even given the porn star experience when she hasn’t enjoyed it, and is now angry that maybe she didn’t need to do that.) And then the other women might have joined in as an act of solidarity more them because day Believe what they said. Maybe they didn’t want to be rejected by the other women. So again, insecurity and the desire to belong were probably at base. And they probably aren’t aware of the damage that or not or if he can do to sexuality — largely for all concerned. Because a lot of women either don’t enjoy doing that sort of sex, or don’t feel good about their bodies by comparison with porn stars. So it can cause a lot of problems. It doesn’t have to cause problems, but it certainly can.

  11. Well first off i would like to mention that, porn is not what it seems to be. I have read articles that there are a lot of cutaway scenes and the actors take breaks. They take these separate clips and put them into one long movie. In my opinion, it would be great for a woman to give a man a PSE, but at the same time, it would be really hard to do so. I find it funny how i read some articles on how girls try to give their significant other a PSE, but end up hurting them, because they don’t know how to do it correctly.

  12. I think that if women are into the whole PSE, then they should totally go for it! However, we all know porn gives men an extreme idea of what sex should be like. Nowadays, young people have all access to free online porn that just doesn’t portray how a usual sexual encounter goes, and this may give young women the idea that they need to be able to give a PSE. On the other hand, young men might begin to think that their sexual partners must give a PSE in order for things to be normal.
    For that reason, I think the over exposure young people have to porn may leave us with unclear results, as we can’t actually tell if a woman might want to give a PSE because she feels comfortable doing so, or because she feels like that’s the norm.

  13. Some men have this unrealistic expectation of what sex should be, and I blame it on porn. I mean not all porn is bad, but some are just straight filthy. It literally engraves this image that that is what sex is suppose to be like and that all women totally love being treated that way, but do they really know the back story of porn? I mean what women wants to be treated like an object that you can just do anything to and not think that you are hurting them or degrading them as a person. I’m not saying sex should be routine and boring, but I do think that you should talk to your partner if you want to spice things up and have both agree thats something they want to try. But if a guy just comes out and automatically thinks thats it’s okay to do some raunchy stuff most likely I would say a woman would let it happen, but for sure they would be uncomfortable and probably have doubts in their head the whole time. Resulting in a horrid sex experience. I also feel like women even bring on this fake front by looking and dressing like a porn star which I highly doubt that thats how they want to be treated. I know they dress and look that way for attention, but I feel like they’re setting themselves up for disaster. Women who portray themselves a certain way probably wouldn’t get the respect that they deserve, unless they’re insecure. Nowadays sex isn’t the same, we live in a generation where it’s just so casual and anything goes. Women should give something to men that leaves a lasting impression to come back for more but that doesn’t mean the porn star experience.When women start respecting themselves and their bodies, men will do the same.

  14. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about sexual fantasies, and particularly about things that sound/look good in porn, but are probably better off left to the flexible sexual professionals, Some, we decided would be interesting to try, but we came to a disagreement about anal to vaginal penetration. He really liked that idea, while I was more worried about certain bacteria, no matter clean things may seem, spreading and causing not very good things. He seemed a bit disappointed, like a balloon that has lost some of its air, which I can understand, but he understands. Maybe it’s like being told that chocolate can cause UTIs or something. And I found myself wondering, maybe I’m being too worried about the risk of infections? I mentally gave myself a slap: if I do get an infection or reaction of some sort, I will be the one dealing with that unpleasantness, and this particular sexual act is not worth it, not when there are so many other things to do and try. I feel as though that moment of hesitance is due to wanting to please my man. While there isn’t anything wrong with that, in this case, I felt, I don’t know, maybe obligated to fulfill his sexual desires, when before, I was always knew that anal to vaginal penetration was never going to be my thing because of the health risks I thought it posed. Maybe it’s harder for men to think of these things, because they’re not as familiar with the vagina as we women naturally are. Women can have allergic reactions to lubes, some toys, or maybe certain medicines will dry them out, or be mentally aroused as hell, but dry as a desert. These are situations we have to deal with, but in porn, where a majority of men may spend a certain amount of time watching, these problems don’t happen, and therefore, don’t really exist.

    • First priority must be to keep yourself healthy. If he doesn’t care about your health, he’s not worth it. And apparently your boyfriend does care about your health so that’s a good thing.

      When they’re doing pornography they often take time out. So you don’t know whether the guy has been cleaned off before he enters the girl again. Or whether they shot in the opposite order, With vaginal first.

      If women gave men everything that you see on porn, you wouldn’t need porn. So making men want what women don’t want to do is a great money-maker. Pornographers seem to purposely try to come up with things that women can’t or shouldn’t do.

  15. Porn misleads a lot of men think that women like the strange sex ways. As mentioned in the article, “women wonder why their men can’t understand that they don’t want to do certain things.” Sometimes, women’s refuse will create a different kind of sexual stimulation to men. Because the actress in many pieces of Asian porn deliberately show fear and refusal so as to create an erotogenic sense, Women’s refuel at bed in reality make men mistakenly assume that it is just a way of flirting. My friend told me that she thought she had to bear when her partner asked her to do some something in bed that she didn’t want to do since she was not willing to destroy such atmosphere. Sometimes she would imitate actress’s expression in porn actor so as to please her partner. However, in my opinion, if women always do what they don’t want to do, they will lose expectations of sex over time. Sexual intercourse only can bring both with pleasant experience only when both sides enjoy it.

  16. cloranei'm scared he

    Before having sex both partners should make an agreement. They should have conversation about what they want, what they would not like or do. This way they won’t be any regrets. they both will be happy.

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