Porn: Making Men Want What Women Don’t
Did the porn industry figure out that by creating male yearnings for things women don’t like, they could make more money?
Sometimes it seems like it.
It would make sense: If porn is the only place guys can get a lot of what they want, you keep ‘em coming back for more.
Sure, some women are up for pornified sex, whether enthusiastically or not. But an awful lot aren’t.
Dr. Robert Jensen, a University of Texas professor and feminist who lectures on pornography says women constantly ask him what they should do when their partners want things they find upsetting.
And I’ve given my students surveys to compare women’s and men’s sexual preferences. Here’s a small sampling of what I’ve found (more later!):
More than half the men were highly excited at the thought of threesomes. But only about 10% of women felt the same way. (Men’s interest in three-ways has also increased along with their depiction in porn.)
Half the guys had at least a moderate interest in anal sex. 90% of the women had low to no interest.
85% of men thought ejaculating onto a woman’s face or body sounded pretty good. Virtually no women wanted men to do that to them.
Meanwhile, 35% of men said porn made sex with real woman seem less arousing, while 20% felt the real thing just can’t compete, according to a 2004 Elle-MSNBC.com poll. Ten percent of these guys had also become more critical of their partners’ bodies.
Some say men have always been this way, wanting a certain body type, along with porn-like sex. It’s simple male psychology.
Yet fantasies have changed over time. And they mirror changes in porn.
But some guys get the disconnect. A man called Harrison thinks porn gives men unrealistic expectations:
I think that a guy’s expectations of his partner might be affected by the images he sees in porn. People’s expectations of their partner’s sexual performance or of what their partners might be willing to do might be unrealistic.
Worst of all, men can bond with their computers instead of a woman. When a man has sex the mix of dopamine and oxytocin that are released with orgasm creates an emotional attachment to his partner. But for a guy who’s overexposed to porn, it’s all directed at his computer.
The porn industry may not be full of brilliant marketing strategists. But whether deliberate or not, creating male tastes for things that an awful lot of women don’t like is bound to increase sales, as porn becomes the only place you can get it.
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Posted on May 19, 2014, in feminism, men, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged feminism, men, porn star experience, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women. Bookmark the permalink. 81 Comments.
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I think the very fact that men requesting degrading and unwanted sex acts from their partners is an issue in contemporary culture just further illustrates the negative impact that the porn industry has had on people and their perceptions and relationships with not only sex but one another as well. The fact that men are requesting such specific sexual acts they see depicted in pornography should not be too surprising given the fact that studies on pornography and its effects on individuals who consume it, have demonstrated that people do in fact use pornographic materials as a source of information about sexual behavior (Duncan, 1991; Duncan & Donnelly, 1991; Duncan & Nicholson, 1991) . Furthermore the fact that some porn even contains violence against women (and has a rather healthy market to support the demand for such pornographic material), has its own, more sinister implications, for example, “Donnerstein and Linz (1986) proposed that repeated exposure to violent and sexually violent material caused a desensitization in men to violent and sexually violent depictions toward women”(Allen 1996).
Unfortunately the consequences of consuming such material does not stop at how men perceive violent acts against women, it also finds its way into the physical world, and it is often women and young girls who pay the ultimate price as the same “exposure to violent erotic material is associated with increased aggression toward others, particularly toward women”(Allen 1996). Although not all men watch hard core pornography, the fact remains that they are more often than not, pleasuring themselves, releasing some of the most potent chemicals in the process to images of women in positions that are just not realistic. The chemicals released during the viewing of pornography are so potent that they give the brain a high that can only be described as unnatural. According to Gary Wilson, due to this process,“The brain eventually fatigues, stopping the production of dopamine, leaving the viewer wanting more but unable to reach a level of satisfaction. As a result, everyday pleasures stop causing excitement and the viewer seeks out more novel, more intense pornography to get the same high as before” (Gilkerson 2014). While people are free to view whatever suits them, it comes with its consequences as well, one of consequences of porn is that it is not only encouraging men to seek out these acts but even more importantly it is changing what people perceive as “normal”.
Duncan, D.(1990). Pornography as a source of sex information for university students.Psychological Reports, 66, 442.
Allen, L. M. “Assessing the Effects of Violent Erotica on Attitudes of Sexual Assault.” The Student Journal of Psychology (January 1996): n. pag. Web.
Gilkerson, Luke. “Brain Chemicals and Porn Addiction: Science Shows How Porn Harms Us .” Covenant Eyes. N.p., 3 Feb. 2014. Web.
Wise words and some good documentation. Thanks!
I feel that it is the porn he thinks of and not me. Is this a truth or just me? I also wonder if he dreams of these people? He is vocal when he sleeps and I loose sleep over this. He will watch when I am less than ten feet away! It breaks my heart…
It depends on the guy. Usually if you are in a relationship — and it’s not just random sex — the guy tends to care about YOU. Not always, but usually. So sometimes it can be a huge distraction and the girls on screen are more important. But a lot of guys really care about the relationship even though they may be kind of addicted to porn.
You could have a conversation with him about this concern and see how he responds in order to get a sense of what’s going on.
I’ve written a few posts which might help you to interpret what’s going on.
In my own experience I have found that men can change but they have to have a really big reason to change, Like you being willing to walk away to find a relationship that fits better with you.
Men, Women & Internet Porn
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
This is focused on ogling, but the brain process I discuss comes from research on porn: I Can’t Stop Staring At Other Women
Pleasure + Wound vs Pleasure + Love
And here is a sneak preview of data for a post I’ve collected I plan to write later:
When I had people write down their thoughts on a sexy picture of Cindy Crawford one young man said,
I’m trying not to look at her because it feeds my sex drive, which gets in the way of other life goals.
In another survey I asked, “Does porn ever negatively affect your real sex life?” to which one young man responded:
I hate porn and don’t watch it. I respect other people’s right to do it, but personally I would rather do the real thing. There have been times in the past when it has been a problem for me, and my girlfriend and I discussed it. That’s part of the reason I stopped.
—-
most men’s expectations may not be as big a problem as women think. *Half of the men in my classes said they didn’t think that men expected the porn star experience (mind you, these were men taking women’s studies). And among those who did think that it could be a problem for some men (20%), they personally didn’t hold those expectations.
Here’s what some of the men in my classes had to say on the topic:
It depends on the couple, I guess porn star expectations could negatively affect a lot of people. The porn has no affect on my sex life whatsoever– At least not that I’m aware of.
Porn does give people expectations, but a girl shouldn’t fear that her boyfriend will retreat online. It’s not impossible that it could have a negative effect, but I think it’s unlikely. Porn is fake. It’s acting and camera angles. It’s an exaggeration. To expect that porn should be like real life is ridiculous.
I think that a lot of guys have come to expect the porn star experience since that’s the only view and representation a lot of people have of sex. And it’s quite frightening. But porn is just acting. I do not expect my partner to look or act like a porn star. So it is not a big problem for us.
I watch porn regularly but it doesn’t affect my sex life. Porn can satisfy men’s fantasies but I don’t expect my partner to look like a porn star. My girlfriend told me that her body will never look like a porn star and I told her, “Don’t worry. Just be whoever you want to be.”
I think that a lot of guys probably have come to expect PSE but I don’t think that they will necessarily compare themselves to porn if they have a true and fulfilling sex life. I try not to go into sex with any expectations. It makes for a more fun experience in my eyes.
*Research is ongoing, this is a preliminary finding.
“Right. Women do appreciate men’s bodies even if they’re not fetishized. So it’s similar to a man who has been married to the same woman for a while.”
Well I was just saying how the gym can make her think of her man’s sexiness compared to her man in regular clothes. Just like a man’s gf in her usual clothes and routine which he still finds her attractive, but is used to her body. The sexy clothes and look can add that “spark” and turn his desire to her. That’s the parallel, though not the exact strength, I think for the reason I explained a man coming from the gym all pumped up in a form fitting shirt showing his muscles and maybe the sweat and phermones radiating off, can be the visual spark it seems for his gf or wife just like it is for her man when he sees he in a tight, sexy dress. And of course a man smelling good right out of the shower and fresh, will obviously get her attention too. Just showing how, while usually husband and wife kind of get used to each other’s bodies and maybe it dulls it, sometimes. There are exceptions when they dress sexy for each other in some moments, and men don’t usually have the clothes for that, except the workout clothes like I said being the exception as well as being pumped up from the lifting.
Sure. That makes sense.
“And they tend to be most easily aroused by a guy early on, when everything is new and exciting. ”
Well that’s kind of true for men as far as easily aroused by a woman early, because everything is new and exciting. Though the reasoning maybe be more visual for men and tactile. But still, there’s more excitement too for men early on as well, as everything is new also and exciting.
“Which adds to the problem. I’m guessing the best time to introduce something, shall we say new, would be within the first year but after a few months. Still, there’s a good possibility that she would be less interested a few years down the road”
Well that’s a bummer that even if a woman is first interested early on, she might be less interested a few years down the road. What can a man do to keep his lady to stay interested in new things in bed over time? Share household duties and help with the burden and stress from everyday work and life for her? Show more romance or affectionate to show she’s beautiful, sexy and that you love her and give her that confident boost to make her feel sexy and wonderful?
Getting a woman that you love interested with something new in bed means nothing really if it’s something she’ll lose interest in over time. As if it’s someone you love, you want this for the long haul as it’s someone you plan on staying with, sharing your life with and probably if she’s the one you truly love, to eventually marry. That’s very unfortunate and maybe a part of many things, of why there are so many divorces and break ups in america. Seems like it could eventually be a strain and frustration when the sex and intimacy lacks after a few years and the spark is gone. Probably a lot of marriage counseling from that.
Right, sexuality is more arousing for both men and women early on. Overtime interest drops for both, But much more steeply for women. And that might be due to sexual repression which leaves women meeting a lot more to get excited.
So how to keep interest? It can be done. For many couples sex gets better over time. It seems to help if the relationship is one that is growing — a relationship that helps you to see your partner in a new way. And couples who were really close and connected can’t really get into sex if they really value that aspect of their relationship. But there still is more to learn on that front. Making her feel sexy is really important. How’s work is good in that it can relieve stress and give her more energy so that she’s not too tired for sex. But best to do it not too close to when you have sex. Because she’s more likely to get turned on after you come home from the gym and taken a shower — so that what is on her mind just before sex is her guy’s sexiness.
Sex Gets Better With Age?
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Yeah I think the gym thing is true from personal experience. It helps to already let her know that she’s beautiful and sexy, and boost her confidence as that will make her want sex more if she’s feeling sexy. And helping with work as well. But yeah, get home from the gym and take the shower, gotta be nice and showered after sweating at the gym ha. Anyway yeah, that’s the one similarity that helps spark things in reverse. I remember how you said how men’s visual arousal waned away from the fetish level once they are with a woman for a while and they it’s normal sexiness they see.
The thing that though the visual is more normal after being with a woman for a bit; there are things that can still spark a visual arousal to her even though he’s seen her body naked many times and used to her body. The things that can spark that is when his woman is wearing something new and sexy that contours well to her curves. Like a sexy, tight dress. A man can be married for five years, but when his woman is going out for a date night and surprises him with a sexy tight dress, though it’s not literally like seeing a new woman, his arousal is visually is very strong. Same for a sexy top with nice cleavage. The husband, boyfriend can’t wait to take his gf or wives clothes off when wearing such sexy clothes.
So while it’s not as strong or the same. I’ve noticed since men don’t have clothes that typically show their bodies like women do, so their gf’s don’t have the visual spark. But the one exception is when a man works out or gets back from the gym after lifting. The reason is because a couple of things, workout out clothes are the exception to where it shows off men’s bodies a bit. Whether the tank top like outfit or the tight form fitting under armour shirts. I don’t wear under armour, I feel like a tool wearing clothes that tight, but I have workout shirts that are form fitting and you can see the muscle and defition showing through the shirt when lifting. Workout shirts fit around the arms and shorter so toned biceps can be shown and chest muscles show through too.
Plus you muscles puff out a bit and toned shows after lifting weights, or atleast for many guys or does for me. So I remember coming home after the gym and my gf at the time liked looking at me with my muscles puffed out still from lifting and the form fitting shirt showing the contours or outlined from the shirt. Probably the phermones too. It must be something too, because it’s definitley not a regular thing, but I’ve been checked out from time to time at the gym and I think it’s because of that reason. And well showering, you smell good and fresh and clean, yet your muscles are still pumped so a good combination there.
Right. Women do appreciate men’s bodies even if they’re not fetishized. So it’s similar to a man who has been married to the same woman for a while.
“You make some interesting points. I’m wondering if you have any stories you would like to share, using a fake name for your partner, to make the story come alive, Which I might be able to Post on my blog.”
Well I’m not with anyone now. I’ve had girlfriends, thought it wasn’t for a very long time, so I never tried doing anything different in bed as they weren’t one’s I could see being long term or weren’t “the one”, It’s something that came to my mind though as at some point like most people I do want a serious relationship and to get married and to meet a great woman that I love and spend my life with. And there are so many important things, but that would suck to be with a woman that is great, but to find out at some point, maybe too late along that she will never or doesn’t want to expand with things in bed and not that open minded.
It would suck to question staying with such a good gf or whatever over somethign sex related, but sex is important too and can eventually cause frustation if there isnt sexual compatibility. and you might not realize that lack of compatabilty during the beginning part of the relationship as most people aren’t going to delve into any kinks until the relationship goes along further and they feel they love and can trust the person they are with, which takes time. So a man and woman are most likely happy and fine having vanilla sex, as it’s just fun and what not, but at some point either one might want to try other stuff or to spice things up and it would be disappointing to find that one or the other doesn’t want to expand anymore than the vanilla sex they’ve already been doing.
So it seems like it’s important to know that not too late in the relationship either, So unfortunately I’m self conscious or might be if or when it would come time to try sharing some thoughts with someone. I never got serious like that, but like I said, I’d like to have a serious long term relationship though. That’s why it’s tough finding the one for you, because there are so many components. Like a woman that is very sexually compatable with you, loves the kinks and what not and great in bed, but really sassy or bitchy and get in arguments. Or she cares more about herself than others, well she’s not somebody to be with in the longterm either. It’s everything. Personality and how it clicks with yours, character, looks, sex compatability, maybe her parents as it would suck to hate her parents like some might not like the inlaws ha. Like I know what is important to me, which may differ from others. There are plenty of guys who like “strong minded, sassy women” as I know a couple guys married too or in loving relationships with such women.
Me knowing myself and being around such women know my personality does not mesh with that and could never be in a serioues relationship with such women. I think different personality types help with that mesh. The guys with women like that, have more B type personalities and more easy going or are patient guys. I have an A type personality and not the most patient and can get anxiety, frustrated easily, so a woman being sassy or bitchy or attitude towards me would just get me irritated and some guys can shrug it off or back down. I don’t back down and would tell whoever to shut the fuck up ha, and I’m strong minded too. So that’s why like personalities don’t always work as there can be a clash.
Another problem with trying to find out too early in a relationship is that a lot of women are actually the most sexually adventurous early on and become less so later — some guys have written on my blog complaining about that.
But thanks for your thoughts. I have to think about it some more.
Why do women become less sexually adventurous later on? Is it from being over the “honeymoon” part of the relationship, being too comfortable with their partner, stressed from work, their man not doing enough housework? Or all of that and women just being bogged down from everything as the relationship progresses? I hear that the frequency of sex lessens, but it’s still weird to hear that women become less adventurous. Well I guess the early part of the relationship women might be adventurous as far as spontaneous, adventurous sex, but I wasn’t sure about as far as trying kinky stuff with sex right off the bat or surprised about that, as adventurous sex is just spontaneous sex like at a public place and something forbidden which adds arousal.
But sex with kinkyness needs more time it would seem as trust is need and to know it’s someone you love, as you’re sharing something that you would not want to be judged on or your partner to tell or share with others, so I could imagine, someone being guarded until they feel the person they are with is someone they love greatly and trust and see as someone in the longterm and serious. Then someone would be able to open up to show that side. Then again, people can fall in love fast so their decision that the person they are with and who they see being long term or serious can come in just 6 months, which maybe they feel comfortable enough that they can share some more sex ideas to their partner.
As to your first question I’m planning on writing a blog post sometime. But basically, because women’s sexuality is more repressed it takes more to get them going, And they tend to be most easily aroused by a guy early on, when everything is new and exciting. Now out all the things that you mentioned above, Which adds to the problem. I’m guessing the best time to introduce something, shall we say new, would be within the first year but after a few months. Still, there’s a good possibility that she would be less interested a few years down the road.. Mostly because of sexual repression damping down women’s general sexual interest.
It’s interesting though, Maybe I’m of the minority, though I don’t think so after google searching. I’ve seen a bunch of men say how boring porn is to them and redundant it is, which I think it is as well. So what is being shown is boring to many men, yet the same ole’ stuff being done and shown over and over. It’s like a reflection of male sexual insecurity as mainstream is not only uncreative, but is almost afraid to veer away from anything out of the “macho” , one dimensional mold.
So while porn apparently makes men perhaps want to cum on girls faces or do stuff which may cause problems for women or men to want to do things that may be or seem degrading to women. On the other hand, this same boring, redundancy atleast for me and I hope I’m not the only one or can’t be. For me and possibly for other men, this same old, and uncreative usual porn, can actually prompt some men to get ideas not of this typical porn stuff but to bring out fun, creative ideas that they might not have thought of if it wasn’t for porn being the same old stuff.
The same stuff can sometimes cause one to think outside of the box and question and think of sex in an unique way with how fun putting a spin or twist to the usual stuff and how fun and interesting it could make things. Then again it obviously depends on the male viewer, if he goes just by what he sees or doesn’t care for the usual stuff and wants to spice it up. And I don’t mean like anything extreme either, though there are men and women who like that, which is fine. I’m just saying what I’ve noticed is, for whatever reason there isn’t much gray area is in between with a lot of porn. It’s either mainstream porn that is one dimensional like I’ve already said or the nich, fetish, kinky, sub category porn which is usually very fetishy or extreme to some extent. But it goes one end to the other, like black and white, without the grey area as far as kink or different stuff goes. It’s like I know people are doing some or trying some kinky stuff that isn’t vanilla, but not so extreme either, why aren’t sex scenes or porn portraying that same, kinky, real life stuff or in between the spectrum?
I wonder if it seems boring for these two reasons:
1) there is no emotional connection, And from what I’ve heard emotional connection to make “The same thing” seem not boring
2) becoming overwhelmed by the sheer quantity. Guys seem to get bored with porn now that it’s on the Internet in a way that they never had when it wasn’t so accessible, And plentiful.
Well you brought up emotion. Well I think that might be a big reason why porn is boring to people, because how it’s like so robotic. I think sex that is passionate is great and that’s true for watching too and that’s what most porn lacks. A good sex scene or porn is one where there is passion, but like I said, most porn isn’t because it’s porn actors and actresses who don’t love each other and are acting and being filmed with probably multiple cuts during the scene.
And I think quantity is probably it, because now porn is free with streaming porn and so much quantity of it. Back then before the internet guys would have to buy tapes at porn shops or order them or something. I don’t know, I never bought porn. It’s not until recently though that porn is so accessible as even with the internet porn was still bought or paid subscriptions. Now with multiple free porn streaming sites, a guy can find tons of porn easily without spending anything. So that probalby is a lot to do with it, and as a result guys seeing different porn tapes and being excited. Now they see all the quanity and see how all the porn is quite similar and the same. So now, the allure is lost.
I still think porn being more creative and passionate would cause it to be less ‘boring” too. The lack of creativness allows most main stream porn to be very redundant. I mean porn doesn’t have go over all the positions of the kama sutra, but it is interesting with so many positions and things, that it really seems like most main stream porn does is three, maybe 4 positions and most often they are just a variation of missionary or doggy. So very basic, yet the guy’s fucking like pistons as usual and cumming on the chicks faces or something. It’s not about it being degrading so much as, my question is “why does the porn industry” feel it’s so important to dominate women in their sex scenes? I get it, guy’s like to take control and I’m a guy, but it’s not so much that, but like, this reluctance to do something other than dominate the women sexually and have them submissive. I don’t get this insecurity. It’s like mainstream porn industry can’t have sex not be so dominant based or definitely can’t have it reversed where the woman is ravaging the man to spice it up.
You make some good points. They all make sense to me.
The pros and cons of pornography are hard to gage, as this is a freedom people should have the access to indulge in, however it could very well be part of the problem with America and our attitude towards women.
I think the potential for porn to harm society lies along the same lines as video games potential. They both contain content that requires the viewer to use discretion, and refer to their better judgment. Just like a person who handles video games in a healthy way can distinguish committing car theft and pulling a gun on someone in a virtual world is a lot different than the real world — the same better judgment need be applied to viewing porn.
Sure, that woman is attractive and appears to be enjoying herself — but remember that she is an actress, this is being filmed with an entire productive crew behind the scenes, and the entire thing is staged and choreographed. People susceptible to allowing these filmed fantasies seep into their concept of reality are terribly ignorant and misinformed.
“Maybe so. Maybe a trial balloon wouldn’t work. Maybe just say that you think you would be great if both of you could be honest about all of your sexual fantasies, but only innact and if you’re both interested. And see how she responds to just saying that much. If she’s game, go slow.”
The question though that can result from this is. How far along a relationship should a couple explore and discuss fantasies? I don’t think it’s worth that for people who are just fwb or more casual relationships. I wouldn’t care or delve into that, unless it was a girl I loved or have been with for atleast 6 months but probably longer and can see a serious relationship forming, before feeling close enough to want to share a fantasy with. But then you don’t want to wait too long, to discover this sexual compatitbility or lack of it either. It would be quite the crossroads to feel you have a great woman and fall in lover with her. Only to finally discuss you fantasy, and then see that she’s judged you or maybe doesn’t judge, but isn’t at all interested in such stuff.
And is actually quite vanilla in bed and more of the less the sex positions and stuff done, she isn’t really interested in venturing more from that. Or her kinks don;t cover your desires and opposite, though you being open minded would enjoy and do the stuff she wants. It seems tricky, because a great relationship is many things, loyalty, trust, a strong friendship, love, etc that isn’t related to sex. So you wouldn;t want to go too far in the relationship where you might want to have a long term relationship but feel trapped, because she, otherwise the sex exploration, is the woman if your dreams and happy with her in every other way. But sex is important and what drains relationships and marriages, can be the lack of passion and sex and just one person of the other not being happy anymore.
I don’t know if I could be happy in the long run, even if with a great girl, if she isn’t open minded like that. I’d be disappointed and bored with the redundant sex and fantasies women see to have. what’s also important is the the woman isn’t enjoying pleasuring and getting turned on by the pleasure she is giving you simply. I mean it’s nice and all, but that’s irritating too, because it’s nice to want her enjoyment being based on your body, not because it’s your body, but the body itself is so tempting and arousing it turns her on to do stuff to it. Like for me and guys it’s such a turn on to grab and squeeze a nice ass during sex and look. Not just because she enjoys it or you enjoy it because she does, but because woman’s curves like boobs and breasts are so damn nice looking and tempting and arousing, you just want to touch and the turn on is doing stuff, because of the pure physical, visual stimulatiion and the tactile desire and stimulation from touching such appealing body parts.
Having one’s body desired is a huge aprhodisiac, and I know women get turned on by being desired, but it’s a nice twist and guys love it too.
“The question though that can result from this is. How far along a relationship should a couple explore and discuss fantasies?”
I don’t know. Maybe try different ways. If you don’t want to “waste time,” try the “up front” approach first. If that seems to scare people off too soon, try later and later.
Yeah it seems like you have to find the “right time” or time it right. It’s not being scared off that I’d be nervous about, it’s being judged. The last thing a man needs is the woman, the one he thought was really cool, he really likes, to see him as less of a man, because he might have a kink that isn’t “prototypical” for the way men are to want to have sex and do things.
Just like woman are self conscious of their bodies during sex and “looking slutty” or scared of that if they get kinky. Guy’s are self conscious not only of their dick size, their performance, but also showing any kinks that could fall outside of the “typical, manly desires”. That might be away that porn can be damaging for men too as it depicts men wanting or to be a man you have to be dominant, have sex this way, have your dick be the only erogenous zone in your body obviously. To go outside of that, a man is getting outside of the “masculine zone” with sex. To consider that route, a man is not going to want to try to be up front right off the bat until he’s been with the girl long enough that he loves her and trusts her.
Which then can be a problem as then he might fall in love with her and she’s great, but then what if he shows that side after this and this girl he thinks is great, doesn’t want to do anything with it or judges him now? Sexual compatibility is important. It shouldn’t be all about sex and there’s more for a relationship, but I don’t know how a man and woman can stay with each other long term after the flames dim and the honey moon stage ends if they are a part on their wants and kinks. Obviously no couple will have exactly the same wants obviously, but it’s one thing to have some differences, but compromise or find ways to work things in. It’s another to be apart and just not really wanting to do different things in bed with each other and just not liking it.
Therefore, not being sexually compatible and would probably eventually cause frustration at some point, which it’s better to not be in it for the long haul. But like I said you have to be with a woman long enough to trust her enough to share that part, so it seems tricky. I guess maybe hinting things after 6 months when things start getting serious but not too far along where you could have regrets turning back if she ends up not being compatible? That might be the best way is for slowly giving hints to different things or suggestions without exactly bringing it up, but to kind of get a gauge on how open minded she is and how alike her desires might be or kinky she could be?
You make some interesting points. I’m wondering if you have any stories you would like to share, using a fake name for your partner, to make the story come alive, Which I might be able to Post on my blog.
“Maybe he could send a trial balloon by talking about a “friend of his” who wanted that, and check her reaction.”
Won’t she read right through that and probably figure he’s talking to himself but just using the “friend of his” as a cover? ha. People do that stuff a lot and say my friend does this or what do you think about this if “my friend or a friend I know likes this”? If a girlfriend of mine said she a ‘friend of her” wanted this or liked this in bed. I would think her friend might like that kinky thing, but I’d be suspicious and feel my girlfriend is also bringing it up because she wants to try it too and it’s her want too. Though I’m not a judgemental person. EVen if its something I’m not interested in,
I wouldn’t think she’s weird unless it was like beastiality stuff or extreme, which, well you’d figure some extreme things would be strange to people. But nothing for me is extreme. It’s actually open minded and creative, and experimental. Sex though being quite varied can be pretty systematic. Even with kama sutra, though positions are different, they are basically variations of the basic like missionary, cowgirl and doggy style. A man fucks her the same way, and a woman even with different on top positions rides, but like how the gender roles and perceptions kind of constricts things. I understand it, as far as the extreme stuff, but not with the variety thinking outside of the box aspect.
Maybe so. Maybe a trial balloon wouldn’t work. Maybe just say that you think you would be great if both of you could be honest about all of your sexual fantasies, but only innact and if you’re both interested. And see how she responds to just saying that much. If she’s game, go slow.
” I think if males and females could be open about the things that interest and pleasure them then both genders would be able to please their partners to a greater extent.”
That’s all fine and dandy. But it’s going to be hard for men to open up about things that interest and pleasure them, when a woman could look at him or judge him. Especially if he doesn’t want something in the prototypical way even if kinky. What I mean is a man might want her to be aggressive and do stuff and the last thing a man wants is for her to think he’s :less of a man” because he wants something different along with the usual.
Maybe he could send a trial balloon by talking about a “friend of his” who wanted that, and check her reaction.
http://www.charismanews.com/us/44084-it-s-official-porn-users-have-smaller-brains
A research study published last week in the peer-reviewed Journal of the American Medical Association: Psychiatry concludes that the more porn a person watches, the less gray matter, activity and connectivity they have in their brain.
Interesting if it’s a real journal report.
I have had personal experience with how men portray women based on porn. I have met many guys who talk about women based on what they see in porn movies. Many women do not act the way porn stars do, nor do they want to do what these porn stars do. Men who watch a lot of porn seem to think that women are hardwired to act this way, and that they are willing and ready to go at any instant. Men may begin to “fall in love” with their computer, and forget or just not know that real women need much more to have a good sexual experience. I also think that the amount of porn out there is obviously directed toward men, and that women have sexual feelings as well. Maybe there should be more porn that is realistic towards women and men, because the stuff out there nowadays is not what many real women want or expect.
Ironically enough, the kind of porn typically directed at hetero men is completely incompatible with the kind of porn (romance novels, most fanfiction, Zane) typically directed at hetero women, EVEN WHEN BOTH PARTNERS WANT TO THE GUY TO BE AGGRESSIVE / ROUGH / DOMINANT. I mean, your typical romance novel is pretty likely to have a scene where the guy pushes the girl up against a wall roughly, gives her “hard kisses” etc. What it won’t have? The guy calling the girl a “little cum whore” or similar terms; instead, you’ll get an internal monologue from him about how irresistable and amazing she is. You won’t find him treating her like she exists to be his sexual servant; instead, he’ll be stalker-level obsessed with her.
Something has to change, obviously. And I think the male-oriented porn is going to have to change a lot more. I mean, both Jenna Jamison and Edward Cullen are unrealistic and kinda stupid ideals, but which is harder: having to give out a bunch of compliments and maybe flowers or whatever, or having to act like you get off on being treated like less than a person?
Good points, all!
I couldn’t agree more with this blog and some of the comments. Porn is full of degrading images and actions towards women. Which unfortunately is only driven by popular demand. This industry runs on what’s more popular and will bring more profit. Created by guys-for guys, for the most part anyways.
There are no psychologists, analysts, doctors, educators, behind this industry though, that would try to make things better. In the main stream television/media for example, the executives will be thinking hard on what shows to run on their channel to keep the good image. They will try to be more selective and considerate to their audience. They want to create something more positive for the society and maybe try to change certain stigmas and stereotypes through educational programs and shows. Because nowadays, if they don’t do that, the show or the whole channel might loose the ratings and popularity, or be under the attack of audience and media. So for the television and other media, people care what they put out there for the public. This is not the case for the porn industry though. I think one of the main reasons is that nobody talks about it in public! And nothing will change unless we do.
Porn has had many positive and negatives effects on our society. The main negative effect it has is educating men and women alike in sex and sex education. This Hollywood idea of sex has instilled exotic ideas into peoples mind, especially men’s. Men are getting various mixed ideals about sex from porn, which complicates real life sex and relationships. In porn, women are portrayed as sex objects that enjoy kinky sex and male dominance, which yeah…some females do…however females enjoy a lot more of things that porn does not represent. Women can get wild in bed but a male urging a woman to do certain things, things that make us feel less respected can be a total turn off. I think if males and females could be open about the things that interest and pleasure them then both genders would be able to please their partners to a greater extent.
“I saw in the comments talking about what men wouldn’t want to do. Some men complain about going down on girls but still expect women to go down on them. This has been common but most of it when I was younger.”
Sure women men don’t like going down, but the same amount of women aren’t too fond of going down on a man either. Still more men are willing to have nasty things or humiliating things done to them than women have done to them. Maybe it’s a problem because women aren’t horny like guys and see this as bad, because their libidos don’t allow them to enjoy such stuff.
Maybe men get used to porn and porn sex, because guys watch or start watching at a young age. So even though a man may be in a relationship now and having sex fairly consistently now with his gf. It’s not enough or he still wants porn sex and still watches porn, because he grew up watching porn before his relationship now. He and many guys get into porn, because well for guys unlike most girls or many or most guys. Sex can be sporadic as far as being had and dry spells, etc.
You add to the mix shy guys or guys tired of chasing or anxiety and not liking to throw themselves out there. They will have long droughts without sex. With such strong libidos, it’s hard for a man to not masturbate when not having sex, especially during dry spells or droughts. Most guy’s I think like having visual stimulation to jerk off too, thus frequent porn watching. If this was like ancient times and a bunch of orgies everywhere, guys probably would be watching less porn. Porn helps guys get by during sexually frustrating times.
I find this topic very interesting. I recently watched a movie called Don Jon that is about this topic exactly. A man is so obsessed with porn he doesn’t have any meaningful connections during sex with actual women. He even says these things you have mentioned that real women wont let you do the things that they do in porn. He thinks porn is better. I can see this happening maybe not to the extent of the movie but I know it happens.
My ex and I had a lot of issues when it came to sex and he just wanted whatever he felt like and never cared about my needs. He complained when I wouldn’t want to do some of the things listed in this blog and would end up watching porn.
I hate to generalize but at least in my experience part of the problem of women not wanting to do what men want is they are selfish. I saw in the comments talking about what men wouldn’t want to do. Some men complain about going down on girls but still expect women to go down on them. This has been common but most of it when I was younger. I keep an open mind if its something that my partner is into and I am not completely against it I would like to compromise but it doesn’t seem to go the other way around often.
Thanks for adding your thoughts.
I also think the fact that it’s typically the woman’s body that is entered brings a whole extra level of experience that most men can’t imagine. Plus, I think it’s more common for men to want to do things that are humiliating to their partner.
You wrote
“Seriously, I would really like to think about the types of things men ask women to do versus the things Women ask men to do, and make a comparison. Maybe both in terms of what women actually ask for, And the sorts of things they might ask for, and how men might see it all.”
The only thing that women might ask for and men not want to, could be a threesome with another man.
Other than, I don’t think that the average woman could ask something more “weird” or “exotic” than what the average man would want to or could handle
Thank you. Appreciate it.
Women learn the breast fetish because of the media.
Men and some women learn to like lesbian porn because of the media.
I wonder, it the media and porn focused on male to male sex the same way they focus on lesbian sex, would women learn to enjoy man-on-man porn and ask their men for a threesome with another man?
So hypothetically, could porn make women want what men don’t ?
Porn seems to affect women’s taste, too, so it’s a matter of getting them to watch it. Main prob is that mainstream culture doesn’t eroticized the male body. Though it’s starting to more. Which may end up being a mixed blessing for you guys, I’m afraid. More on that later.
Hi Georgia,
This is a very interesting article. My thoughts on it are these.
I agree with your fundamental premise: that porn creates a desire in men for activity which they are unlikely to get anywhere else.
A comparison can be made with mainstream films, or computer games. Some people are critical of their content. The makers of those media say: “Hey, don’t look at us! We’re just giving the consumers what they want!” while the critics say “No. Actually you are driving what people want”. So, for any medium, how much is a reflection of the actual demand, and how much is a driver for that demand? (Of course, in many situations, these two phenomena feed one another, as you describe).
I remember reading that the porn industry is one place where the women routinely make much more money than the men. To me, this boils down to simple economics. Men are prepared to do it for less money because they enjoy it; women intrinsically don’t enjoy it, and therefore require to be paid more before they will participate. This is a simplification with, no doubt, many exceptions, but I believe the central premise holds true.
Vivienne.
I agree that porn is the one most men like it. Especially when they are on their free time, they would spend time watching on it. I don’t about porn whether determine that is a good or bad influence. Men expect girls to be like in porn movies because porn girls are sexy, hot and good at sex. I think women also like sex but they have preferable style or position in other words women are a little bit picky about sex. For men don’t matter as my opinion. Porn also teaches many men to want things women don’t like. By the way, I really that you stated percentage about how men want sex and so on. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. And you’re welcome.
I am so late to this, but is this the link you were going to send me to the questions I asked? I don’t think porn existing is such a bad thing, but the messages and stereotypes it perpetuates clearly cause harm. Why don’t we see more feminist talking about problems with the porn industry? I, for one, feel like it very rarely gets discussed outside of the way life is for porn stars. What about the lives porn effects? Why so much silence?
I don’t know that it’s not discussed a lot. But feminists are divided on the issue. Some who are against it have said that when they bring it up people act like they are prudish, I don’t know if that has any effect on speaking out.
But I’ve written about it quite a bit, including this piece. For more, see below:
Porn: Pro and Con
Readers Discuss: Porn, Pro and Con
How Women Feel About Porn
Deep Throat. Porn Star? Or Victim?
Men Finding Fewer Women “Porn-Worthy”
Should Women Give Men The Porn-Star Experience?
Real Women Competing With Porn Stars
Real Men Competing With Porn Stars
Men, Women and Internet Porn
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
She Doesn’t Want To “Do it”
Does Porn Objectify? Experts Disagree
Does Sexual Objectification Lead to Bad Sex?
Nude Men Seem Less Intelligent
Porn Can Cause E.D.?
Related erotica:
Why Women Want Shades of Grey
Learning to Like Torture in Shades of Grey
Shades of Making Sexism Sexy
Fifty Shades of Pro-Orgasm
I think when it comes to the idea of porn and how fantasies have changed as porn has changed, it makes a lot of sense. As we are continually socialized creatures, even though biology plays key roles in everything, so does the other side. Men and women both have different preferences but they are also susceptible to being conditioned just like how we’ve talked about where political/religious ideals have been ingrained. We start out with an initial inclination, and then we develop based on what we’re exposed to. I think when men are consistently exposed to porn they experience the same sort of conditioning. It clearly shows that men are craving the wrong things when if they had learned what women really want, through natural experiences, they might want something completely different.
It’d be interesting to see what men tend to prefer if they haven’t been conditioned by porn since I think that would explain a lot of the socialized process. Though, this seems nearly impossible to get a sample of since porn is so easily accessible and almost all men have watched it at some point in their life. Through all ages, which is also an interesting concept.
Porn appeals to all ages and this creates even more expectations because the women are just as promising no matter how old they are. So not only do you have expectations from men in general to be more like the women in porn flicks, but you have a continual spectrum of expectations. Unless the men themselves have chosen not to expect the same from their relationships or from any woman in general, they are going to be susceptible to expecting this performance at all stages in their life. Considering you have porn that ranges from illegal child porn to elderly porn, it creates this ideal of an incessant porn “reality”.
This also brings about the concept that now men can be satisfied with whomever at any age they want. So they can also have any age woman they want, no matter how old they themselves are. So in accordance with the idea that they can form connections with their computer, it really opens up a huge array of women that suits their conditioned “ideal”. They can get a woman of all sorts who will satisfy whatever they desire at the time and still get that “pleasure”.
I think what’s missing though is that I know a lot of men who want that bond and I think it may cause harm even for them when they’re torn between wanting a porn-like sexual experience and a relationship with a woman who doesn’t fancy doing any of those things.
Other thing I think this brings up is the idea of what porn says about the one watching it. I hear so many differences of opinion on the idea of it being cheating or it being simply an outlet to get sexual pleasure from and is something completely different. I think it certainly plays into a similar concept of what going to a strip club or hiring a hooker is. Even though they’re not connecting with the people on the physical level, they are still getting sexual pleasure through a targeted, human source. Though then anime comes into play and technically that wouldn’t be considered “human”. Either way though, I think porn blurs the lines of cheating and a lot of other things in a relationship. I myself would find it extremely hard to live up to if a partner expected me to perform in such ways or if they wanted to continue to watch it in a relationship.
I think porn conditioning is very real and can have negative effects on both men and women.
We do have some ideas about how porn affects men’s desires, partly from writings of the past, Before porn was prevalent. But also from surveys that compare what but pornography is depicting with men’s fantasies overtime. When oral is introduced fantasies about that increase. When anal is introduced fantasies about that increase. When threesomes are introduced–once again, a rise in fantasies. Men never used to want facials before. Now a lot of them are interested.
Meanwhile, A lot of women watch porn to figure out what men want, to learn what will be expected of them. So it’s teaching women, too. And women are often none too pleased.
I do agree that porn CAN create an unrealistic expectation amongst sexual partners in relationships. However, I have trouble understanding the need to watch porn for sexually active people (whether it’d be male or female, but we all know it is mainly males). For the guys who don’t get out much, give little effort to their social lives, or just choose to not interact very much in the intimate life, I can understand why porn is the go-to for when they need to feel better. But for guys who can be in relationships in a much easier fashion than some, why is there a need for porn? It could be argued that their experiences with porn before any relationships add to it, but I just have a difficult time believing that some guys actually prefer WATCHING something on a SCREEN than doing something real life. In my experiences, watching somebody pull off an amazing feat is nothing like doing it yourself. I do not watch porn as it literally makes me feel nauseous, But I know that there is absolutely NO comparison to watching things on a screen, to real life. Some people think that everything on a screen IS or SHOULD be real life, but I think those people have much cognitive growth to go through.
I think this topic is very interesting, and I have never really thought about it in this light. While I have considered the unrealistic expectations that men can have because of porn, it is quite sad for me to read about it in numbers and about how surveys show that men begin to judge their partners more harshly because of it. I think this information goes to show how much people’s psychology is affected by what they see and what they feel is “normal”. It shows how anything can be sexualized. I really don’t think it is necessarily “natural” for men to ejaculate on women’s faces or boobs. I don’t think it is unnatural necessarily.. but I just think that it is not necessarily something that men of a different time would have thought was a sexy thing. The more I think about it, the more I think that the porn industry keeps on coming up with things in order to make more money. However, I don’t think we can really ignore the fact that men are responding to it. There are different types of porn out there, though, so I supposed the industry is doing their best to serve as many audiences as they can. I wonder if it would help men’s sex lives and satisfaction in general if porn were a bit more realistic.
This is the first generation of men to be saturated in porn. As such, they often get used to more normal stuff, and it often takes more and more to get them going — and stranger and stranger things. And these stranger things are things women usually don’t want to do. Whether or not the porn industry does this on purpose — creates desires for things women don’t want to do — it definitely benefits them financially.
“Can you make a list of things women might like men to do that you think might gross men out if men didn’t have the high libido they typically do (turns out, a woman who’s strongly turned on will be more up for things she isn’t when she’s not.) You gave one example with face-sitting, shall we call it? But other examples of corollaries to the things women often don’t like.”
Well there are things that men wouldn’t want to do, but I don’t think it’s something that women or most women are interested in doing to their man anyway or have him do, so it’s irrelevant. What I mean is, I’m sure most straight men would be against having a strap on used on then, then again I doubt most women desire to use one on their man or just as much disinterested. I really would not want to be pissed on, and I’m pretty sure luckily women don’t have that desire anyway. But I’ll say this though. While porn or stuff will have what are called golden showers, don’t watch it but know of that stuff. And men piss on the woman. I think the women being pissed on do it because it pleases their man or because he’s into, etc. I think more guys are involved with being pissed on and it done to them than what girls like having done to them.
Actually men having golden showers done to them, I think actually desire it and turned on by it, compared to women doing so because their partner likes it. That’s why I brought up the libido thing, because it seems like guys are more likely to be fine or turned on by dirty, nasty stuff done to them or them do to the woman. I don’t know guys just seem more perverted. I agree this the piss stuff and that is gross to me and many other guys, but still you’re more likely for guys to be turned on by being peed on than women being pissed on. On top of that, I’ve heard some gross stuff from guys when seeing a girl with a nice ass, like “I’d lick that” referring to her ass, and rim job I think it’s called stuff, idk. Guy’s can be into nasty stuff like that, so if a woman for whatever reason wants that done, a man is more likely to be into it or turned on by it. A girl or girls might do such stuff, but the difference seems that its something that a man is really into or actually desires to do or have done to him, like the face sitting on him.
Thanks. Food for thought.
Did you see a cartoon that was making the rounds of FB a while back? It was two frumpy-looking cartoon characters, a man and a woman. His thought bubble said “Where’s my porn star?” and hers said “Where’s my Prince Charming?” Too often it’s true, I think–we’re led by movies and advertising to expect the unattainable in a mate; porn is just the strongest example of it.
Yeah, I’ve heard men complain that it’s difficult to live up to Disney or Twilight. There’s some similarity and some difference there. Not gross, or emotionally difficult (different) but hard to live up to (same).
Why can’t sex be connected but kinky and “dirty” a tthe same time? A man can’t cum on his girl’s ass or boobs? What happened? I don’t recall things being like that with girls in my 20s and for guys with their hook ups or casual affairs. Women close things up once in a relationship and figure that they have a man locked up, they are going to let go of the kink and less sex and more vanilla stuff? A woman that isn’t open minded, sounds boring in bed. Obviusly everyone has things they like and don’t like. So nothing wrong with that. And I don’t think a man should pressure his wife or gf to doing such things. I think unforetunately they are not sexually compatible which you would have thought they would have figured out before getting serious. You ever hear, “a lady on the streets, but a freak in the sheets”. Perhaps its porn, but just how horny and attracted to women’s bodies guys are, and all the thoughts that conjures up in a man’s head.
I don;t know if it’s all porn though. As I think most porn sucks. You’ll find amateur porn even has the cumming on woman’s body things, whereas, the porn star stuff does the cumming on girl’s face which is visuall unappealing to me and don’t like. I think guy’s are into anal not simply because of porn, but because of the feeling of the “tightenss” from the smaller hole and guy’s love ass a lot too, so want to fuck it. I mean you could say porn brough on titty fucking to come about, but I think it came from men’s huge turn on and lust for tits.
But there are some kinky stuff I’d like to try, but it’s not based on porn, as many men have such variety ti seems as far arousal and wants. If it was based on porn, every man would want to plow the hell out of his woman, cum on her face, never have his woman take charge, never be dominated. Things would be so one dimensional, with men wanting to do all of the fucking and in a very aggressive manner. Guy’s like that I’m sure, but there’s so much more variation of what guy’s like that your typical boring, redundant porn shows.
Maybe it can but
1. I’ve heard both guys and girls say they don’t experience it that way.
Maybe because you’re seen as a body part/sex object and not a person. It might be fun. And enjoyable to both, but connection can be lost.
“85% of men thought ejaculating onto a woman’s face or body sounded pretty good. Virtually no women wanted men to do that to them.”
Well I understand women not wanting it in their face and I definitely haven’t or wouldn’t ejaculate in a woman’s face as that does seem pretty degrading. But I don’t know what the big deal is about coming on a girl’s boobs or ass? Some say porn does it, but I just think guy’s are so turned on by women’s bodies and seeing her have it on her body and like it, is such a turn on. Her sexual arousal and love of your body is so great. It’s not something a man want’s most of the time, it’s probably actually a rare or every now and then thing, but it’s not something that most guys are thinking about doing much. I think guy’s go to porn more, because they don’t want or tired of “vanilla sex” from their wives and gfs. It’s weird because you can’t say that for guys.
Guy’s desire and having women doing nasty things to them without being bothered. It’s not a thing for me, but there are decent number of guys that are turned on or wouldn’t if a woman sits on his face as he’s eating her out. So you talk about guy’s fluids. I’m pretty sure her fluids are probably on his face when doing that. Guy’s don’t seem bothered when his ladies “juices” get on his body from wild sex. So apparently the disconnect comes from the libido and horniness of guys compared to women.
I can’t blame women not wanting anal, as that seems like it could be uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be a big deal for me if a girl didn’t want it and guy’s giving girl’s a hard time need to think if she turned it around and she wanted to do it to him ha.
The threesomes thing, I think guys are doing things wrong if they wait till in a relationship to try the threesome fantasy with their wives or girlfriends, evne if their gf or wife is bisexual or bi curious as when love is involved a woman wants to know it’s only her, that her man wants and loves. Another girl involved could cause problems. That’s most likely to work or man to try that out when he’s a young, single bachelor and with a fling or hook up, fwb or fb, but not when he gets in a relationship, especially serious one. He needs to get that out of the way before. Guy’s need to put themselves in her shoes or the lady needs to flip the scrip anf be like “how about a threesome for me, and have another man in bed” Then guys might get the hint, as I’m sure most straight guys would not want to have another man in bed with their gf or wife.
Yes, libido differences matter, but porn also teaches many men to want things women don’t like. Some guys like porn but not porn sex with their mate. They’re more into connected sex.
Follow up question. Can you make a list of things women might like men to do that you think might gross men out if men didn’t have the high libido they typically do (turns out, a woman who’s strongly turned on will be more up for things she isn’t when she’s not.) You gave one example with face-sitting, shall we call it? But other examples of corollaries to the things women often don’t like.
If I have time I’ll write more later.
“Can you make a list of things women might like men to do that you think might gross men out if men didn’t have the high libido they typically do”
I think that would be a very short list
Seriously, I would really like to think about the types of things men ask women to do versus the things Women ask men to do, and make a comparison. Maybe both in terms of what women actually ask for, And the sorts of things they might ask for, and how men might see it all.
The only thing that women might ask for and men not want to, could be a threesome with another man.
Other than, I don’t think that the average woman could ask something more “weird” or “exotic” than the average man would want to or could handle.
//So apparently the disconnect comes from the libido and horniness of guys compared to women.//
I don’t get how you can make that connection.
Women have no issues with men ejaculating inside them and/or having semen drip out on to their legs. Also I would argue more women are accepting of and enjoy giving men oral sex than men are. For women which results in getting man’s fluids in her mouth, wether it’s just pre-cum or her actually swallowing his fluids completely. Either way in most cases it’s a lot more than what a man would get on him while giving a girl oral. So it’s not the matter of getting his fluids on you it’s the fact that women find a man cuming on their body demeaning. From speaking with women about this, many, myself included do not have a problem with a man ejaculating on their belly or back if they’ve asked him to pull out, simply because that or in his hand is the most convenient way. The same women were opposed to a man ejaculating on their face or breast.
//I don’t know what the big deal is about coming on a girl’s boobs or ass? Some say porn does it, but I just think guy’s are so turned on by women’s bodies and seeing her have it on her body and like it, is such a turn on. Her sexual arousal and love of your body is so great.//
Yet a simple google search about ejaculating on a woman’s body would show comments and articles from men about how ejaculating on a woman makes them feel like they “own her,” the woman is their “possession,” it’s about “dominance” and in result it also makes women feel like it’s a demeaning act.
Women don’t like getting ejaculated on because they don’t have a high libido? I think you are completely missing the point.
Try to think of it from the woman’s perspective. This guy you’re in love or in lust with is inside you. You’re loving it. Every time his cock slams into you, you let out a gasp or a scream. And then he pulls out. Because he’d rather masturbate onto you than fuck you. All that intense physical sensation is gone. You won’t get to experience the feeling of him coming in you, the feeling of that last thrust, all his sexual energy being spent inside of you. It feels a lot less physically exciting, and also a lot less intimate.
At least that’s how I see it. I use to go with a guy who wanted to come on my face/boobs/ass a lot, and while I enjoyed it to some degree, I much much much preferred having him come inside me. We would get into actual arguments about it.
I think that porn not only furthers the gap between men and their partners, but it also makes them desire more extreme things over time. I’ve had many guy friends say that they didn’t watch porn anymore because they found that over time they were watching more extreme things because they weren’t satisfied by the normal stuff anymore. This radicalization of sexual preference is going to lead to a degradation of relationships over time.
That seems to be right.
It’s interesting that changes in male fantasies have mirrored changes in pornography. I just finished reading a novel that was written by a woman but portrayed what I felt was a male centric fantasy about prostitution (though other reviewers didn’t seem to see it that way; I posted my thoughts about the novel today).
With the surveys, were there differences between the responses of people in long-term relationships versus those who were single?
Thanks. Please send a link if you’d like.
My survey was just 20-something’s and I didn’t check relationship length. I’ll have to check on the national survey.
I have wondered if most men genuinely want what they see in porn or perhaps they’ve been conditioned to think that is what they want. I’ve heard from some guys that porn feels like it satisfies in the moment but there can be this emptiness or guilt afterwards. Makes me think about how I feel when I satisfy a sugar craving.. I want it but I don’t really want it.
I can relate to the sugar craving you point out.
Seems all mixed up. People can genuinely learn to want something that’s a social construction. But it can create a lot of problems.
I think for a lot of guys, porn is just fantasy, kinda like video games. It’s not ‘real-world’ reality. I really don’t think many guys (or at least I hope not) would actually expect their partners to engage in many of the activities depicted in porn
Sure, not all guys do. Like one of my students: https://broadblogs.com/2012/10/22/porn-fantasy-mistaken-for-reality/
But the guy he talks about I that post does, along with serval me who’ve commented on my blog, and the partners of some women I mention in the post
When I was in high school and university, I went to see films such a Emmanuel, The Story of O, etc. and I enjoyed them. Also, I used to subscribe to ‘Playboy”…but then I got married and my wife made it very clear that she found these things demeaning to women (She does not consider herself a feminist nor a prude). At first, I resented the ‘censorship’, but over time I realized that she was right. Now I see things differently, and could care less about viewing porn as I know now that it contributes to the objectification women.
I hate to be judgmental, but now that I’m in fifties and have kids, I believe porn is for losers,
Thanks for a male perspective. Does seem like it can end up backfiring on your sex life and real relationships.
You present the topic wonderfully. I think a lot of this has to with what Jung said that woman stands right near and she is overlapped by the shadow side of man. Man is going to project all that he despises about himself onto her.
It would also seem to be a place, porn, where man could project his shadow onto woman sexually and not get the repercussions for doing so from his partner.
I can see how that CAN happen. But many relationships show that it DOESN’T HAVE TO, right? I mean many relationships don’t get trapped in this.
I agree in theory. I also think that culturally we are projecting more of our shadow onto those people who are close to us then we ever have before.
I would think that most relationships don’t get trapped in this. There still is the stark fact that over 50% of marriages don’t last.
I mean, if everything worked perfectly would we have anything to write about?
As always your writing makes me think. Thanks
Re: I also think that culturally we are projecting more of our shadow onto those people who are close to us then we ever have before.
Interesting. Why do you think so, and why do you think this is happening?
Part of the reason our divorce rate is so high is high expectations. Used to be more just economics. Now we want our perfect soulmate, perfect other half.
At the same time, the divorce rate is plummeting among the upper-class and middle-class.
I’ll have to write on this sometime.
Interested to hear your thoughts.
I apologize for not responding more timely. Please take this as a broad response(no pun intended.) and a generalized answer.
When times get tough, historically we find the “other,” to point out as being the problem. From the black man to our spouse, we have historically done it and will do it if we are not mature and cant work through the deep seated emotional conflicts a vast majority of us seem to have in our histories. .
Now, in these tough times we are being told by almost avenues of communication, that there is not enough to go around.
This is going to trigger fear in many and they will ‘re-act,” in ways that are not healthy or appropriate to the stimulus that causes the disturbance.
The safest place for most people to act out is with those who are close to them.
I sent you an attachment from my email so that you can see my thoughts a little deeper.
I know that this reply is not thorough. But I am limited in time and space so here you go!
I always love seeing your posts as you make me think.
Warmly
Jim
Thanks so much Jim. I look forward to reading what you wrote. I’ll have some time over Memorial Weekend to give it a good look.
It is just a rough draft of some thoughts that I’ve had.