She Doesn’t Want To “Do it”
Some guys complain that women won’t do things that men want, sexually. Or worse, they aren’t into sex, at all.
They grumble after I’ve written something like this:
A woman explains, “A lot of guys have come to expect the ‘Porn-Star Experience’ … A few women might enjoy it, but for most it’s harrowing.”
Robert Jensen, a professor and feminist who speaks on pornography says women frequently ask whether they should fulfill their guys’ disturbing requests, whether, “ejaculating on her face, anal sex, a threesome, rough sex or role-playing that feels inauthentic to her. His response? Women are under no obligation to participate in any sexual activity that causes pain, discomfort or distress.
But no, say some guys. Women should agree to excruciating sex because love and loyalty are found on the other side.
If you “debase” yourself in the bedroom, you may well find yourself on a pedestal and treated like a princess out of the bedroom… Sorry girls, but if you don’t want to be treated like a walking vagina, you will probably have to, counter-intuitively, make yourself to be a walking vagina… You will destroy your relationship with your man unless you overcome (your revulsion).
That, from a man whose wife left him.
Another guy insists:
It freaks men out when you act like a porn star at the beginning and then slowly become more inhibited and prude… A woman that is willing to explore her sexual boundaries and becomes more sexually adventurous throughout the course of the relationship will never be abandoned on cheated on by a man. TRY IT! YOU WILL SEE.
Even a marriage counselor blogged that feminists ruin marriages by saying women shouldn’t have to do anything sexually that they don’t want to do.
I asked this guy why he didn’t help men to help their partners enjoy sex, instead of insisting women do things they find hurtful or repulsive. If everyone’s enjoying it, then everyone wins.
Other men take a different route and get far better results.
“Demon Ted,” one of my male students, wrote a post called, “Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality.” To paraphrase:
My girlfriend told me she’d do a threesome if I wanted. I told her to never suggest anything that makes her uncomfortable or unhappy. As we talked she blurted out a long list of things her ex had done, sexually, that she didn’t like. When she was finished I was upset that she had let someone treat her like trash. I was unhappy that she had come to believe she must do things she hated for a relationship to “work.”
Demon Ted took a very different approach and is very happy in his relationship.
In her research, Naomi Wolf learned that, physiologically, women must be relaxed and free from bad stress to get into sex. And they often need romance, and a strong feeling of connection. So bring your lady flowers, take her dancing, lie in each other’s arms and tell her she’s beautiful. Create emotional connection. That works way better than harping on never getting any. That’s all bad energy.
Yet some whine, “She expects flowers?”
Really? You want anal, but buying flowers is just too much trouble?
Truly, sex doesn’t have to be gross for one partner to be amazing for the other. And if it’s gross for her, it’s only a matter of time before she loses interest, entirely.
Therapist, Scott Williams, advises men: Forget your own orgasm and you’ll get amazing sex.
Why would that be?
Women’s sexuality is far more repressed then men’s in our society. So men typically have a higher sex drive and want it more. And whoever wants it more is going to have to make a bigger effort to get it. So if “he” focuses on “her” orgasm, they will both have a pretty great time. She will be more interested in sex. And she just might end up being more interested in experimenting, too.
The Good Men Project reposted this piece.
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Turning on the Sex Goddess
Sex-Loving Guy Marries Sex-Avoiding Gal
Orgasm: It’s All in the Mind
Posted on April 28, 2014, in feminism, men, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged "doing it", feminism, men, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women. Bookmark the permalink. 58 Comments.
In society, women are often expected to please men sexually in order to be considered a “good” girlfriend or wife. This belittles her role in a relationship to what she brings to the table sexually, as well as gives the man way too much power in their sex life as a couple. The idea of a woman enjoying herself is often an afterthought- cue the fake orgasm. This article considers that men sometimes demand uncomfortable sexual acts from a woman; these men are likely the same that are wondering why their partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both parties in a healthy relationship, but when it becomes a point of contention or discomfort, the relationship can fall in on itself. Just like men, women are sexual beings, but our desires are often les important in a relationship, which is not entirely the fault of our partners. We have gotten used to “settling” sexually in a relationship because we feel out of place or wrong for expressing ourselves, but we should feel empowered to have just as much control over our sex lives as our partners.
It’s very frustrating to read about how some men expect women to sexually act a certain way in order to have a happy relationship. Why should a woman have to give up on her own comfort just so that she can please the man? If your boyfriend or husband is telling you that you should do certain actions that make you uncomfortable so that your relationship won’t be ruined, like “Walking-Vagina Man” did, then he’s not a good guy and you should definitely leave him; there are plenty of other people in the world who can give you the comfort and respect that you deserve. Relationships should be full of trust and respect, women shouldn’t have to feel like they need to do painful and extreme things in bed so that they can keep their partner. For both females and males, being communicative and having consent from each person is important when you have sex. You should be comfortable with each other during sex so that there’s enjoyment in the act; it’s best when all individuals involved feel satisfied and safe.
Great article Ms. Platts! For the most part, I would say that a large part of “sex” in our culture is dominated through pornography. Not only do we use porn to perhaps “enhance” our experience during intercourse, but a lot of men’s expectations derive from porn in particular. I would also agree on the idea that if men were more focused on “her” orgasm, then both sides would have a great experience. Nonetheless, through this article I learned more about the importance of relaxation and a stress free mind in order for a woman to be more into sex. This article definitely debunks many of the misconceptions that men have on women— so instead of complaining, I think men should think less of themselves and more of their partner.
I’m glad you included several different quotes from various men. This helped me see a few different perspectives. (I’m not surprised the walking vagina guy’s wife left him.) This view promotes the debasement of women, yet goes a step further in explaining reasoning and insisting logic. As Naomi Wolf’s research shows, feeling relaxed and safe is the key to enjoying sex. It seems so simple, yet there are so many other factors that keep women from truly enjoying sex. I also think a huge part of being in a sexually healthy relationship is having a universal sense of respect towards and interest in pleasuring your partner. When feelings of safety and respect are made priorities, I think men and women will both feel more satisfied in their relationships— both inside and outside of the bedroom.
I have heard this from alot of my female friends aswell, they do alot they dont want just because they are afraid their boyfriend is going to like them less or even break up with them. And most guys seems to be demanding more of the female then they are actually doing to their partner, i mean just look at the numbers stating how many females actually orgasms during sex compared to men. But we females also need to start telling our partners what we want and dont want, since they cant guess everything and it might create akward situations, when someone isnt omboard with whats going on.
I found this post very interesting, and it caught my attention pretty quickly.
I agree that some men have unrealistic expectations of sex due to pornography. Which is very sad because I’d have to say that most women do not like to be treated like that in real life.. I think every women has gone through a relationship like that at least once in their life. I can myself say that I have been in a relationship like that before. It does not make you feel good the man treating you like that. It made me feel like I wasn’t loved, it you know what I mean? Makes you feel like a object.. not a person with feeling. Some men get really pushy about it till the point where you feel bad for not doing it ! Ridiculous. Because of my experience I never do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. Also, I know the signs of a guy with those expectations now, so I know to stay clear ! I think that it is good to experience that kind of relationship at least once in your life, so you know how you want to be treated.
However, there are men out there that do not expect the pornography experience. But, I do agree that even those men not expecting that experience will get bored without spicing it up… just like anyone men or women would.
I is also very interesting to hear mens point of view on the matter. I found it very irritating that a man said that if a women does not want to be treated like a walking vagina, she needs to get over her revulsion. This irritated me and at the same time made me laugh. Because, he thinks women should change based off what expectations society has created for women. Shouldn’t society need to change, not just women?
Thanks for your support.
Couple years ago, when I first discovered about porn and sex. I was so curious about everything in it like anal sex, cumming on the face, or double penetration, etc. I talked to my male friends and they have no idea about how girls would feel in those cases. It seems like I pass my curiosity to them. We can’t keep the discussion go one because at that time we don’t have any experience about sex. Few years later, when I grow up a little bit, as I have more knowledge about sex, I go around to find out my answers. It’s not something weird at all since I’m a type of person that can’t stand the curiosity. I asked a lot of female friends I know, they shared that they DON’T like the things people see in porn. Especially, anal sex is terrible. They said it’s really hurt and not fun at all. It’s all about pain instead of joy as the actress showed us. The more I raise questions, the more I found out that real life sex is nothing similar to porn. Porn is made to show people the things that they don’t experience in real life like gang bang, fake taxi, etc. Accidentally, the youths watch those at their early teenage age and have a wrong thinking about how actual sex would be like.
I’m glad you were smart enough and sensitive enough to ask real women what they thought about what porn actresses do. And to care.
I agree with the idea that no one should do anything sexual which they find harmful or repulsive. That would take all of the fun out of sex. Volunteers are always preferred to victims!
This article discusses a misunderstanding of sexuality, yet ignores the biggest example standing in the middle of the room.
For many women, including those of my immediate experience, sex is something he does to her with her consent. She is to play no active role, expressing no interest, stopping him in his tracks if she definitely isn’t interested, yet acquiescing if he manages to inspire a little desire. That way, she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for what happens next, and if she doesn’t like it, can claim she was coerced.
It can only take one such experince to cool down the most heated Lothario, provided he has any awareness of her reactions to his propositions. It inhibits any further explorations, and tends to restrict any accepted offers to those things against which she didn’t complain afterward. It doesn’t take long before that verdure on the other side of the barrier becomes more enticing, and any budding relationship ends up on the compost pile.
If having to inject dating behaviors into one’s sex life is necessary for success, this leads to the obvious question of why marry if your dating life must continue? Your options remain wide open without that ring in the way, and you just might find all your sexual desires satisfied, provided you have the time and the skills to handle more than one woman at a time.
This would also apply to those women who didn’t allow society and religion to restrict their sexuality into exclusive white bread housewife-in-pursuit-of-offspring activity. While I read about such women, I have yet to actually meet one in person. I don’t expect to.
Well, you are talking about a little different topic, but okay.
First, please excuse the weird capitalization you’ll find in places. I’m using voice activated software and it can be weird with capitalization.
Otherwise, I don’t understand the motivation behind claiming you were coerced if you weren’t. How would that be helpful to the woman?
On your question about why men should have to inject dating behaviors once they marry, I don’t understand why some men expect women to do things they find unappealing, or just aren’t that interested in, and yet men are unwilling to meet them halfway — do the sorts of behaviors that get women interested.
So when men are courting women for marriage, The motive is to court them for marriage. After marriage, Men are courting women to enjoy sex. why would a woman want to get married if the only thing she would get out of it is a bunch of boring sex she doesn’t like?
And the point of marriage is not to be able to have sex without romance. The point of marriage is to have A lifelong partnership in which you support each other and support children, if you have them. And, it is easier to get regular sex – if you have two spouses who enjoy it – which is much more likely if the man romances the woman.
If you are more interested in having a lot of sexual options than in having a mutually supportive marriage, Don’t get married, And you will do everyone a favor.
If she isn’t acting very interested in what is happening, that is probably because her sexuality has been repressed. In another point you seem to suggest something about Women “not allowing” society to restrict their sexuality — Women who you have never met.
You probably haven’t met them because it’s not as though Women can’t allow or not allow society to restrict their sexuality. It’s an unconscious process that most women aren’t even aware is occurring. When you aren’t aware that something is happening you have no control over it. Part of the point of my blog is to help people to gain awareness that something is happening. That has two potential effects. First, society can change and stop teaching women that they are bad if they like sex. Second, awareness presents the possibility of dealing with the repression. But I know from personal experience that this is still easier said than done. The main thing that has helped me is teaching about sexuality — and doing so in a way that suggests that sex is a positive thing. I don’t want to send repressive messages to my students and readers, and so I constantly talk in a positive way, which unconsciously teaches me that sex is good. But women also need to explore their bodies in order to understand what they like, So that they can communicate that to their partners. And they need partners who want to pleasure the women there with. But do it in a way look like: what do you enjoy? Let me know what you like. And the communication doesn’t have to be verbal, It could be listening to her breathing or soft moans. By the way, moaning helps women to enjoy sex — maybe because it helps focus their attention (is not at all unusual for women to multitask–think about sex and sign papers for the kids’ School outing, For instance). Who knows? The lack of focus may be due to repression.
But there is a limit to how much conscious control women have over their interest in sexuality. Because I want to communicate A sex positive message to my students and my readers, I have found that a lot of my own repricing has dissipated as I unconsciously get a sex positive message in my own mind by doing this. But while I am better, I am far behind Women who grow up in sex positive cultures, Who have A strong interest in sex and are easily and multiply orgasmic. Cultures like American Indians before meeting whites, Who converted them to sex negative Christianity.
This blog is one that made me slightly uncomfortable as read some of the feedback from men. The first thought that came to mind was a song by the late James Brown, “This is a Mans World.” Indeed it is. I feel that I shouldn’t be shocked about the comments from men about women including a woman having the privilege of having a man stick around as long as she’s able to explore her sexual boundaries and continue to act like a porn star. However I am shocked to learn that a woman would be willing to compromise engaging in a sexual act to satisfy their partner. Personally I believe that sex should pleasurable between those engaging in the act. I disagree that anyone should be convinced or persuaded to do something their uncomfortable doing to satisfy a mans sexual craving. As I read the comments, I couldn’t help but assume the reason that the wife left her husband who made the comment, “You will destroy your relationship with your man unless you overcome (your revulsion).” Women deserve to have their expectations and require their partner to meet and/or supersede their expectations. If a woman doesn’t want to “do it” then she shouldn’t have to.
I agree with Professor Robert Jensen, women shouldn’t have to subject to such activities if they don’t want to. No woman should be expected to participate in something she is not comfortable with, same goes for men. I find it revolting that some men think it’s okay to force a woman into roleplaying, rough sex, etc. Men should respect what their women want and if it’s not enough for them then they should re-evaluate their relationships with said women. To the male who said, “Yet she expects flowers?” well.. let’s just say he’ll most likely end up spending the rest of his life single, especially if he keeps up with that attitude. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both the man and the woman, if one person isn’t into it, it’ll definitely be distinguishable.
I totally agree that a woman can be more productive in bed if she is not pressured into doing something that repulses her. If you both love each other you will eventually learn to pleasure each other without being gross. If you stop thinking about how you want to be pleasured and just go with the flow you will be surprised at the outcome. If a man wants you to act like a hooker he needs to find himself a hooker and you need to move on, he is not the right person for you. Women like to be romanced and taken care of, not used for someone’s pleasure or entertainment.
I do not believe that if you are with the right man that he will not treat you like a “walking vagina”. I think that if one finds the right partner, then they can work toward and agree on what is right for both of them in the bedroom. A man that pushes his “love” to do something that she is really uncomfortable with and really does not want to do is probably not the man for her. Especially if he will make her feel bad about it if she does not do it. While I am all for keeping each other happy and enthusiastic in the bedroom, and for trying new things that both partners agree on, I do not think that a man should expect a pornstar experience, nor push for one, because that is not really the reality of most women.
If any of the partner’s consent is not there, one should not cross his/her limit. Sex is not the base of any relationship to work, it is an act of pleasure, loving each other and is required to keep your relationship happy but when both partners are ready and want to indulge in it. Forcing anyone is complete NO-NO!
I understand the concept of women not wanting to be treated that way. A lot of men think that all woman are like that, however what they don’t understand is that our body’s are sacred. Most women don’t like the feeling that we are being taken advantage of, especially in a relationship early on. Personally, I feel that if we as women did “put out” as guys would say, early in the relationship, they’re going to continue to believe that sex will always be that way. Studies have also shown that a lot of men cheat because of the sex. Once the sex goes out of the marriage they look for other ways to fulfill their needs.
It seems through the excerpts from other people and what they want from their partner and also what they want them to do stems from media. They hear, see other girlfriends doing something and don’t understand why their girlfriend will not do the same. Even though a man might do something as simple as buy flowers doesn’t by any mean make it justifiable for a women to do something she is uncomfortable with.
And I never meant that all that all a guy needed to do was buy flowers and his partner should do whatever he wanted
I brought up the flowers part because I don’t see how it makes sense that a guy feels like it’s just too difficult to buy flowers, but it shouldn’t be too difficult for a woman to allow him to do anal or ejaculate on her face, for instance. Really, buying flowers is way easier. There is such a sense of entitlement in that sentiment.
So sad to believe that there are still people out there who believe women need to abide and conform to sexual desires that men want. I feel like the men who’ve stated these ideas are just trying to mislead other women online so that their male counterparts can get the best of them sexually. I myself can’t enjoy sex without my partner enjoying it with me. It’s like a vibe that you can feel in the air, and if it’s not there, then it isn’t as enjoying to me, as well as my partner. If she isn’t willing to do something sexually, then I won’t force her to. I always make sure we’re both in the mood before it all happens, and that she has just as a great time as I had, or better.
I would say that I’m surprised by some of the things that were said but sadly I’m not. I don’t think that anyone should expect their significant other to be comfortable doing things that make them feel uncomfortable. I think that everyone should want to please his or her significant other but of course within their own comfort level. It was best said at the end of the post “if “he” focuses on “her” orgasm, they will both have a pretty great time. She will be more interested in sex. And she just might end up being more interested in experimenting, too.” I completely agree with that. I have always felt somewhat sexually adventurous and when my boyfriend focuses his attention on pleasing me it only makes me want to do more with him. Everything comes down to making someone feel comfortable. Demanding or making someone feel bad because they don’t want to do certain sexual things is completely wrong and no one should put up with that.
I think it is horribly old-school for a man to assume a woman will glady “put out” anything the man wants in the bedroom. Not only is it old school, but it is also an issue of respect and the fine line between consent and “no”.
I truly believe for a relationship to work for the long haul, the couple must see eye to eye on every topic, and if they don’t, they must see differently in a way that opens the eyes of the significant other (like filling a piece to a puzzle), instead of pushing them down.
With that being said, the couple must see eye to eye on their sex life for both to be happy. Most people will be heavily effected if their sex life isn’t up to their standard after a long time. The woman should never, ever have to go beyond their comfort zone in order to please a man. Unless the women (or man) is ungrudgingly and sincerely able to compromise, it’s best to find a better match in the bedroom (and all areas) than anyone in the relationship being left dissatisfied or out of their comfort.
I feel that if someone has that fantasy of erotic sex or aggressive sex it should be shared with their partner but never forced upon them, especially in a relationship. The one being forced could begin feeling unhappy. Nether of the two need to prove to the other that they love them, if you don’t have the same believes nor similar interest why are you putting yourself in that position of getting involved with them. A really close friend of mine in a situation was naïve to the point where the guy forced himself onto her and she was uncomfortable but she never said anything to him to make him stop nor did she push him off. Reason why I say she was naïve is because she felt it was the right time to go head and start kissing him and from there things progressed. But im not saying him forcing himself onto her is okay, but she also could’ve spoke up and said something…
A lot of young women don’t understand that they have choice in those situations. I’ll be writing more about that later. But this post is related:
GIRLS “On All Fours”
And here I’m just talking about how pressuring women – without force– can actually backfire and destroy the sex life.
As a topic that has been highly debated over time, I am always interested to hear the opinions and attempts of justification of individuals who believe that women do not “go far enough” in the bedroom or must do certain things that are requested of their counterparts to keep things interesting and show their love. However, to dwell deeper into this topic, one must take into consideration of why certain individuals may feel this way. With that said, take into consideration the role that media may play in such thinking.
It is almost a guarantee that when you turn on the television and surf channels for a 5 minute period, you will encounter some degree of pornographic content. This content is usually in the form of comedy or lust/desire, where the act is depicted ever-so “lightly,” usually where a guy is trying to get a girl to sleep with him or where a couple cannot wait to get on top of each other that they tear their clothes off and go crazy. Unfortunately, the media has an astonishing effect on the way we think and perceive things, and more likely than not, for entertainment and viewer purposes, what they portray is unrealistic, exaggerated, and even immoral. However, it is up to the viewer to be able to distinguish these things from reality, which is not always done the viewer, leading to a distorted reality and perception on things.
A great example of this may be seen on every single episode of the newly ended sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” where the character of Barney Stinson revolves around how many women he can bed. Not only does the number count, but the crazy story of how he gets them to sleep with him. To go further, there is an episode titled “Barney’s 200th…Need we say more,” as well a “playbook” which describes the various crazy ways of how to get a girl into bed. With sitcoms like this, along with the several others which exist, the idea of sex has turned more into a hobby/activity rather than an act of lovemaking, where women are usually portrayed as objects that get tricked into having sex and never being called again.
Similarly, the material shown on adult only shows/movies, which is nowadays readily available to anyone, regardless of age, with the click of a button, portrays women in an even more degrading and nonsensical manner. Often times the plot revolves around the desires and satisfaction of the man, where the woman is subject to having objects inserted in various places and as mentioned in one of the quotes, begging for the man to ejaculate on her face. As such, individuals viewing this material, especially adolescents, deem it a reality and generalize it, believing that all women desire these things and enjoy doing them, essentially assuming a false reality.
It would be unreasonable for me to say that no girl/guy likes to have sex the way it is seen on the media. However, it must also be said that those who don’t do not love their partners any less or are “prude.” In my view, if a guy believes that his significant other must do everything he asks for in the bedroom, regardless if she is disgusted by it or physically hurt, then such a guy does not love his partner, as if he did, he would not only not subject her to such pain or disgust, he would not even put her in such a position where she has to go against what she believes in and feels, in order to prove that she “loves” him.
That’s a really good point about love. If you really love someone you aren’t going to ask them to do things that are painful to them. That’s how you treat a sex object — an object that exists to fill your sexual desires, and whose own feelings don’t matter.
Again, the only issue is putting sex into a very special box that generally women have the keys to. If they “don’t feel like something”, the by special dispensation, that becomes the final ruling, at least by the commenter consensus.
If I as the primary breadwinner put the finances into a similar box, I would be decried as a control freak and worse. And as the finances represent my blood, sweat, tears and shortened lifespan, I should be able to act with the same mystical impunity women grant themselves in the sexual arena, again at least according to the current wisdom based on the article/comments.
You can’t make a distinction between entering a workplace and entering person’s body. So I can’t see the point in continuing this conversation.
In a relationship you should have open communication which is honest about everything, talking abou tlikes in sex too. Love makes it more special as if you love your woman you would never ask her to do something which she does not like. Love is the key!
Sex should not be a one-person-enjoy thing; instead it should be enjoyed by both partners equally. Make the effort to understand each other’s needs, likes and dislikes, and come up with a game plan. Everything is possible with careful understanding and thinking. If you like role-playing, discuss with your partner to see if both of you are comfortable or not, plan a weekend trip for just the two of you without the regular distraction of your life, go on a exotic vacation or cruise, try out new experiences – anything to spice up you sex live. There are so much documentary movies and books on sex that you and your partner can explore to spice up your sex and love live especially if you are like me who is married for 26 years and still going – of course we do have our ups and downs – the norm. And as mentioned in the post, sometimes a lady just need some “romance, and a strong feeling of connection” – go for walks, a nice dinner and a good movie, jester of love, each other’s company.
I completely agree with you PK! It is absolutely not and cannot be a one-person enjoy sort of thing. I believe the most enjoyment from sex for most people is pleasing their partner – equally and sincerely. As it should be!
A real relationship is based on love, care and being thoughtful to each other! The rest just happens naturally!
Agreed. And you’re welcome!
Ok, so the basic premise here is “I don’t want to” or “I don’t feel like it” is sacred when it comes out of a woman’s mouth. So when is it acceptable for a man to pull the same card? There are plenty of things I do because they make my spouse happy, but am not that terribly in to. Maybe the partners of those women should look into the creative use of the word “no”. Or even better, next them.
A couple thoughts:
1) Of course people are going to do things their partner wants. But when comes to sexuality you can get into areas that are incredibly vulnerable and open to being extremely hurt. Also, I can’t imagine enjoying sex if I felt like my partner was hating it. I can’t understand anyone wanting to do that.
2) I’m presenting the simple reality of what is likely to work and not. Or put another way, what is likely to backfire.
In my opinion I think that women are not supposed to be forced to do anything they do not like in bed. According to some men, women are supposed to succumb to their fantasies and if they do not they are risking being dumped or betrayed. Since sex is a topic that women do not really talk about they do not express what they want. They feel that it might be their responsibility to please a man in bed. That part of being a woman is pleasing their man in bed. Sex is a mutual thing, both partners have to give to also receive. women are more emotional therefore a man should be romantic and he should worry about her sexual pleasure. Maybe if he seems loving and caring she will later be more comfortable to take it to the next level.
I agree with the emotional aspect of making love. I think an emotional connection between two people definitely develops more of a variety or sex so to say. Women are no where near, let alone are not, walking vaginas. As far as women who put themselves out there like that and accept it, okay fine go ahead, but I’m pretty sure the majority of women prefer to be treated as human beings and not objects for self satisfaction to anyone. I feel that the concentration on an orgasm should come naturally from the climax of among love itself. Every guy wants the best-feeling ejaculation just like a woman wants plenty of organs in a session, but would if both could have exactly what they want through the emotional and psychological part of two being with each other. If both men and women like taking things to a different level then by all means, but both have to work up to that comfort. Lastly I think the whole porn star scene is overrated. I mean each person likes something different, but not to the point where sex is sex, but maybe it is. Everyone is different.
Men shouldn’t force women if women don’t want to have sex with them. There are too many reason for that issue. Men should figure out and change the way they treat women. Try to please her. Sweetness works in some case. Men, stop picking fights and started buying flowers. Cleaning up the house is an aphrodisiac in marriage. Don’t expect sudden results, and do this stuff in good faith (because you love her). It might be another reason to make women feel less sexual. (not feeling sexy, tired from kids, work, life etc, hormones out of whack, who knows). Try taking some things off her plate by doing them or helping with them. Initiate non sex together time where there is no pressure to take it to the next level (Snuggle on couch and watch tv with no sex expectation). Less stress and feeling more connected might make her more frisky
Men tend to want different things in sex compare their female partners, and since man also most likely to want to have sex more often, there will definitely be time that woman is having sex but not enjoying it, just to keep her man happy.
I totally agree with what they said about how a lot of women tend to compromise on bed so that she will keep this relationship happy and she’ll be treated well outside the bedroom, but what they don’t see is, they are destroying their relationship and acting like they aren’t worth much.
I personally experienced a little about this. When I was going out with my ex, I didn’t enjoy sex with him, but I like everything else like talking with him or just have him with me. So I compromised in bed just to have him next to me after sex, but then I realized I’m actually putting myself down, trading sex for relationship. So I tried to talk to him about this situation that “we don’t have to have sex very often”, but him, like every typical guy I guess, wasn’t able to accept this and easily got upset every time I refused to have sex him. So I broke up with him in the end, feeling horrible like I’ve been doing things that I shouldn’t.
So I would definitely say women should never compromise on sex when you don’t want to, and this is a great point to bring out cause I’m sure there are many women out there that are experiencing not-joyful sex.
I really think this topic gives a lot to say for both men and women. Personally I believe that no one, regardless of gender, should be forced to do anything sexually to please that other person’s needs. To have a pleasant experience both should agree to the same thing while in bed. A women should have a place in society and should not been seen as a sexual object.
A healthy relationship should consist of two individuals not only one.
This post really does explain the distorted reality that men can get when they watch porn, or take it seriously which is harmful to both men and woman. Demon Ted made a really great call on communicating to his partner about what he/she likes and what they don’t like. It’s always a good idea to address those kind of issues even if you don’t know them initially. Same goes for relationships. And yes, I do strongly agree with this post because both men and woman should be treated equally and shouldn’t have these sexist mindsets anyway. We live in a generation where people are getting more open minded(hopefully) about these type of situations.
I agree with you Hai. It is interesting how normal it is because of porn to have these distorted expectations in the bedroom. Because of the porn industry those expectations created an unsaid obligation for women to just do whatever the man wants, and that is pleasing him. The woman is never sought after, but as long as the man is pleased all is well.
You last sentence stuck out to me the most. I was thinking the same thing but didn’t know quite how to word it – because it almost seems baffling to me to live in a world where this ideal is still prominent throughout society. Call that naive – but I like to think we are growing a as a society. I hope that people are getting more open minded, too.
I really agree with this article. I also think that men are more likely to seek their own orgasm for the night activities even though their partners do not feel confortable or joyful. If the partner feels gross about the activities once, it is possible to never have sex with someone or something like that. Therefore, when they do the sexual activities, men have to care about the partner’s feeling or thoughts of it first. If they agree and want to do it with each other, they can do it comfortably and enjoyably with their mutual precious moment.
Its crazy to me that men expect women to act a certain way during sexual activities. I know that if the roles were switched the men would never want to do them. Yet they still expect women to cater to their needs and act like a “pornstar”. I know its a big assumption to assume that all men are like this, but a lot are. Society has a big effect on this though. Sure men do enjoy it but only because it is the “cool” thing to do. Yeah, it will feel good I’m sure, but I would assume that it would feel a lot better to make your sexual partner feel good. That always seems to be more satisfying.
And really, it’s not all guys — as you mentioned the “assumption” part — you see a mix of men’s ways of seeing in the post.
Women are much more emotional and sensitive than men are. I think in order to have healthy and good sexual relationship between men and women, men really need to respect this point. It is a good sexual relationship when both men and women enjoy it and feel happiness. Physically, women have more sensitive and weak body than men so men really need to care about what women are reluctant to do during sex. If man forces woman to do something that she does not want to, woman will not enjoy or even feel tired of doing sex. That woman is more likely to feel disgusting or obsessed with doing sex with that man or even every man. I think it is good to talk a lot each other during sexual relationship. Most people do not talk that much while having sex in general. However, if they talk a lot each other, it will be easier to understand them each other emotionally and mentally. By talking, men will have better understanding of what women like or hesitate to do sexually and women can know in what ways men enjoy a sexual relationship.
Thanks for weighing in. I’m not sure what you mean by a more sensitive and weak body. That men have more muscular mass? But for sure, the whole experience will be better if everyone is enjoying it.
It pains me that there are still men who feel like a woman should do anything she doesn’t want to sexually out of “love” or to please him. It also pains me that a lot of women still feel like that if they say no they are being a bad partner or not fulfilling an obligation. That is why it is so great to have this blog of yours and other resources that talk about such matters. Sometimes people just don’t know there can be another choice. And even when they do, it can still be tough not to succumb to expectations and pressure.
Ultimately – if someone (regardless of gender) makes another person do something they don’t want to do sexually and the other feels like they have to in order to please or connect- then not a lot of actual authentic connecting actually gets to happen no matter what the sex looks like or sound like… and often, at least one (if not both) parties end up displeased, unsatisfied, and resentful.
Yes. And I have a hard time understanding how you can enjoy yourself if you think your partner isn’t enjoying his or herself.
I’m sensing there will be a great debate on this topic.
Great observation. I agree with “girlseule”, if a man suggest on putting on a recreation of porn with his girlfriend and if she feel uncomfortable. Then she should just leave and find a better boyfriend out there who will treat her like a woman that she deserves to be and make the sexual romance more healthy and enjoyable. 🙂
Yes, indeed. Thanks for weighing in.
I think part of the issue is that sex is so incredibly individualized that what some women find debasing or humiliating, others will find thrilling or fun. Thus, when guys hear from a friend/magazine “hey, my girlfriend loves to dress as slave Leia” or “my wife asks me to cum on her face…it’s so sexy”, they look at their own relationships and wonder why their wife/girlfriend won’t do the same for them.
For a lot of men, sex = love. If their partner isn’t into sex, or the type of sex he enjoys, he can feel rejected, hurt, useless, or lesser. This in turn will lead to frustration and even outright anger if not dealt with…Which probably helps to explain the above responses you mention.
So what is the solution? To be open to negotiations and to never pretend to be something you’re not. If you’re not interested in threesomes, bdsm, role-playing, oral sex, facials, whatever…be up front and honest about it. Acting like a porn star in the beginning of a relationship only to admit later on that you hated everything you participated in will make you seem like a liar, and is unfair to you and your partner who may actually now feel unnecessarily guilty. Communicate what you want and don’t want out of your sex life, and be understanding if your partner has different needs.
Well, I mean more the situations where women clearly aren’t interested.
I’d agree that if someone (woman OR man) doesn’t want to do/try a certain type of sex, they shouldn’t feel forced to. If a woman doesn’t want to do anal…she shouldn’t have to. If a man doesn’t want to do oral…he shouldn’t have to. Besides, a loving partner might want X in the bedroom, but not if it upsets their partner.
“If you “debase” yourself in the bedroom, you may well find yourself on a pedestal and treated like a princess out of the bedroom”
Where do people come up with this horse shit?
Ladies, if a man treats you like a walking vagina, I think the best option is to leave, rather than take this man’s suggestion to ‘act like a walking vagina’.
There are millions of men out there that you can have a happy healthy relationship with that respect your sexual boundaries.