My History Of Sex: Sacred… Scary… Fun

By Andrew

I saw sex as sacred when I was growing up.

That was how most people talked about it at home and at church and even sex ed in middle school.

So when I was just in my early teens I thought of sex as being more about the love and relationship you have with your partner, and sex was secondary. 

That was probably how most of my middle school friends saw it too, since we were pretty young and not sexually active yet. So my first ideas about sex were that it was only with someone you care about and might want to have a family with.

Pornography gave me a very different lesson, and not really a good one.

I watched porn for the first time my sophomore year and I was shocked by the male dominance. That first time I searched on what is probably everyone’s first site, The categories all seem to steer towards “the male experience” and the videos showed slapping, choking and binding by dominant males.

Those videos were not helpful for a novice. They actually made me afraid of having sex.

Now that I’m older and I’ve had more real-life experience I’m not expecting the porn star experience at all, I’m focused on what she wants.

My idea of sex and the value it holds has changed over the years. I went from thinking of waiting until marriage to finding it scary to just casually having it as a fun experience.

I’ve had my fair share of partners, from one night stands to relationships, and the most important thing I have taken away from my experiences is that it’s all about communication. What we do or don’t like, if someone is having issues, and even the mentality behind sex.

Having these talks beforehand leads to an overall better experience. It may seem awkward at first but once it’s out of the way there’s nothing bothering you during sex, so you can just live in the moment.

– – –

I asked my students to write about their experiences with sexuality as one possible paper topic. This is an excerpt from Andrew’s paper (no last name to protect identity).

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on August 28, 2017, in men, sex and sexuality and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. A History of Sex: Sacred..Scary.. Fun

    I honestly never thought a guy would view sex as a sacred thing. The generation I live in has taught me that sex is seen as all fun in games for guy. Usually women are the one who view sex as more sacred and scary so it feels relieving knowing a guy has these feelings towards sex.

    Growing up I always saw sex as a sacred thing. I was thought that you only have sex once your married and it’s sickening to have sex outside of marriage. I also thought sex was scary. Hearing about men raping women, women being sold for sex, and hearing about how women bleed when they lost their virginity made it all so scary for me.

    But now as I’m growing up my mind is changing. Everyone around me is always talking about their sex life and what now. I hate to say this but sex doesn’t mean what it used to mean to me and I just see it as fun. I feel like In general sex isn’t what it used to be.

    • Most men are much more romantic than women imagine. And a lot of times when they aren’t it’s peer pressure to act like they aren’t. Andrew Smiler has some interesting research on this.

  2. I guess I sort of agree on what Andrew said, he talked about some important factors that I can relate to. I could relate to when he stated that as growing up sex is sacred. As a younger girl, I grew up in a Catholic household and was told by my grandma and mother to always save sex till marriage, until you’re ready to love someone and settle down. I would always get scared that if they found out I had a boyfriend/girlfriend they would freak out and automatically assume im having sex or being sexually active. In reality like Andrew the author , I have also always been shy and some what scared to have sex. I didn’t really find the need to be sexually active with my my past partners. Some of the partners understood, and one partner didn’t .. they got upset and couldn’t accept the fact that I wasn’t ready to reveal my body and let them be inside of me. I had told them and mentioned the saving sex for marriage and they totally flipped and that was the end of it lol. Lesson learned I can agree with some of the point he says here because they remind me of my middle school/high school days.

  3. Is this from a student in your class now or a past semester that your decided to bring up? Yeah, he probably was nervous or scared about sex when seeing porn because he seems like a sensitive, compassionate guy. So he might have felt bad or not like how women were being treated in a lot of that porn and maybe felt pressured that it was how guy’s were to have sex in such rough manner and he didn’t want to have sex that way. And luckily for him through honesty and communication, that he didn’t have to be rough and saw that sex can be good regardless of relationship sex or casual sex, and communication is key and luckily sex in real life doesn’t have to be and is not like what it is in a lot of porn.

    Very interesting that pornhub is brought up, because it does have a lot of that porn he said, or that main stream stuff. I think if a person wants to watch porn, but not that typical mainstream rough sex porn, to avoid that is to just type in the search bar for specific stuff, so a person can get around that stuff. If one just watches whatever the main video thumbnails show on the main page, then that’s what will be there and they see. I don’t like most porn, but I’ve checked the site before, I think of many guy’s are honest, more have probably from time to time.

    • I never post anything a student wrote in the same quarter when I have them in a class, So this is from the prior quarter.

      And yeah, I thought it was interesting that porn could scare guys much as girls. I really appreciated his honesty and I appreciate your thoughts on this as well.

  4. It’s refreshing to hear that not all young men are fooled into believing porn is an accurate portrayal of real life sex. Thanks to your student for sharing his perspective on how to have a healthy and satisfying experience for both partners. He’s discovered the key factors for good sex — honesty and communication.

  5. I am consistently impressed with the openness and honesty of your students.

  6. No one’s commented on this but I’d like to. I asked my students to write on their experience of sexuality, if they would like to (one choice among other topics) and I was surprised at a couple of the papers by the men.

    I try not to live in stereotypes but sometimes my own biases are revealed when I find myself surprised.. We tend to think that men are all after just “one thing” and that they don’t experience sex as sacred or scary — before they might get to the fun part. And some of my women students have talked about porn making them fearful of sex and I hadn’t realized that this could happen to men too. So I like how Andrew’s paper colored in the complexities of real live male experience.

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