Sex Is Best When She Likes It

When Sally faked it

When Sally faked it

By “Sex Ain’t No Game

It’s hard to have a sexual relationship with someone who won’t accept the concept of mutual pleasure.

Here’s an anecdote containing way too much information:

Considering the tools my current girlfriend and I have, and how fit we are, sex should be easy for both of us to enjoy. And when we began the sexual part of our relationship — both of us being fairly new to it — we learned what the other liked fast.

But it changed a few months back.

It seems she’s done research in pornography, and for the past couple of months she does things she thinks girls do all the time during sex. Like incredibly loud moaning from the second we start making out. It starts abruptly, so it doesn’t seem like a natural progression.

Long story short, she ignores her own desire and focuses on mine. 

I can’t help but feel that it’s not genuine. I’m not even sure if she is even enjoying herself at all.

I realize how silly it is to say she’s not having fun the “right way.” But in terms of techniques and how she composes herself, it feels scripted.

But it’s distracting. And it’s frankly a turnoff to feel that she’s not enjoying herself, and is only focused on my pleasure.

I try to have open communication about our sexuality, and we’ve had sex talks before, but I can’t figure out how to address the issue of, “You need to make less fake noise” without making her repress herself when she does feel enjoyment, or make her not want to give feedback, at all.

I have no problem with a loud partner, but it’s the sexual script she’s following that makes sex a one-sided game.

I may be reading too much into things. But unless someone can convince me otherwise, I’m going to chalk it up to just another reason why every woman deserves a healthy sexual education and very much appreciate when women are initiated into the concept of gender equality.

Slightly edited from a commenter calling himself, “Sex ain’t no game,” you can see the original comment here. Thought I’d post it since I think it’s important for women to understand that their pleasure is important for both themselves and their partners.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on September 22, 2014, in feminism, pornography, psychology, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 45 Comments.

  1. Joel Swanson Sr.

    There is definitely a difference between sexy and sexual. Sexual starts in the mind and then spreads through the body. A sexual woman needs to give pleasure as much as receive pleasure and thoroughly enjoys both. On our second date my wife said “I like you a lot but I need to tell you that I am NOT a one-man woman and I NEVER will be.” The most sexual thing a woman ever said to me! She was 16.

  2. It is very awesome to see a male partner so concerned about his girlfriend’s sexual satisfaction. From talking to my close girlfriends and from my own personal experiences, those are my perceptions: I feel like so many women “give in” their own sexual pleasure in order to solely focus on the guy. As other girls mentioned in the comments, women tend to take longer to orgasm— we usually need to put much more work and energy into it. On the other hand, many guys tend to take one third of the time and energy that most girls would take. Thus, it seems that most sexual encounters tend to be all about him, because it is a “more convenient” orgasm. Many of my friends, me included, agree that after a long day of work and school, sex is a quicker “task” if we, women, do not bother to orgasm as well.

    I used to sometimes treat sex as a “task,” but after becoming an active advocate for women’s empowerment and sexual liberation, I realized that I had to apply all those things to my own bedroom. Now, I only have sex if I am completely in the mood for it. And just like the post’s author, my boyfriend and I have very open and honest conversations about sex. He knows that sex has to be for the couple; never for me or for him, but for me AND for him.

    Just like the author, I am glad to have a partner who is aware and concerned about our mutual enjoyment during sex. I always remind my girlfriends that a healthy sex life must include their own sexual enjoyment, not only their partner’s. And this post makes it clear that a partner tends to enjoy sex much more when he/she/they knows that the other partner is truly enjoying her/him/themselves.

  3. Porn has put an imagine into men’s and women’s head on how sex should be and what is considered sex to be and what is considered sexy to women. I believe that sex should be enjoyed by all parties. It should be something that they both are comfortable with and genuinely enjoy. Once one person starts to fake anything them a line of communication should open up because it means that one person is putting more in than the other person and it should always be equal. I know how porn can feed into our heads how things should be in the bedroom but it is something that is scripted and unrealistic. We should do what we and our partner finds pleasure in and if or when that stops then communication should open up again on how this all can be resolved. Sex should be something easy, fun, and pleasurable. cannot even imagine being with someone and acting fake through it all, just do what feels right to you and what turns yourself and the partner on.

  4. Wow, so much food for thought! I believe that sex is the most satisfying when BOTH people enjoy it…give and take on both sides.

    Time to overshare: in my late teens and early 20’s, I was in a relationship where the guy didn’t seem to care whether I enjoyed sex or not.
    He was only concerned with his own pleasure. So I went out of my way to be the hot, slutty girlfriend who would do anything he wanted. My self-esteem was already very low and he took advantage of that.
    I would give him BJ’s whenever he wanted, sometimes with him pushing my head down in a very rough way. I would pretend to be really into it but after a while I hated giving him oral sex because I knew that he didn’t respect me or care about me.

    He never went down on me and once he even claimed that it was because I smelled bad, which gave me a complex despite the fact I know it to be untrue…my hygiene is very good. He was also addicted to porn but I didn’t find out until much later.

    The issue as far as I can see it is that many women are made to believe that sexual pleasure is mostly a man’s domain; we aren’t taught to expect pleasure from it ourselves, but rather that we should give it to men (and only in ways that won’t cause people to slut-shame us but that’s a different subject).

    It’s not only in porn but the covers of magazines…”How to Rock His World” “50 Mind-Blowing Sex Moves to Satisfy Your Man” etc.
    Many women in the Western world try to look like and act out what they see in porn or what they see men looking at, because they have been conditioned. Porn has become a cliche for the most part because many of the girls/women in it look the same today…no pubic hair, narrow hips, very little variety or diversity.
    And much of the behavior is cliche as well: the ridiculously loud moans, the fake husky or high-pitched little girl voice, the willingness to have sex with anyone/anywhere/anytime.

    To the guy who wrote about his girlfriend acting this way during sex…I would suggest gently talking with her about it. She might be a bit embarrassed, but maybe you should tell her that you just want her to relax and enjoy herself instead of feeling like she has to fake it. Some people are naturally loud during sex but if it seems contrived, it probably is. I used to do the same thing sometimes because I was with selfish guys. But it sounds like you’re a decent guy who wants a real physical and emotional connection with your girl, so yes, have the talk.

    I also agree with Ona Bettencourt who posted above. It is SO important to connect with one’s partner and be honest and sensitive.
    Tell her she is beautiful and sexy, and mean it…sometimes women need to hear that in a world where we are constantly being ripped apart. Also, because we look at other women who are being called “hot” and then we feel like we can’t measure up and then we wonder if that is what our partners really want.

  5. Ona Bettencourt

    I love this topic! It’s so insightful to hear from a man and being a woman and reading it while trying to analyze it, is an eye opener.
    My significant other and I have been together for four years and there are times in our relationship where we went through some dry spells due to numerous different things. I am VERY self-conscience when I know I shouldn’t be: He loves me and he tells me I’m beautiful everyday, clothes on and off, but my insecurities have caused some sexual frustrations between the both of us.
    We have always had a strong sexual desire for each other but its been four years and I think boredom is hitting and its shaking things up instead of leading us to converse about it. Recently I found out about a new porn addiction he has, it hurt me a lot, I recently had a baby and I am suffering with depression and self-esteem issues about my body. Porn was never his thing, he told me he didn’t like it and I believed him, some men don’t get off to pictures or videos. So why does he like it now? Am I not satisfying him? Is he tired of the same person after four years? Just recently I figured out its called change, which is 100% normal and so we decided to sit down and talk about it. I told him I am comfortable with anything new, with the help of him telling me I’m beautiful, I told him we can watch porn together, role-play, bring toys in the bedroom and so far its been successful, we have tried a little bit of everything. This example of my life may seem a little off topic but the reason I talked about it is because your girlfriend, or anybody’s significant other might be going through change or insecurities, they may just be wanting to spice things up without hurting YOU. There are times where I want my boyfriend to receive more pleasure then me because I crave seeing his euphoric state, it’s not bad she wants you to be more satisfied then herself at times but it is important the feeling is mutual.
    My solution to this problem would be to sit down and talk about it but don’t make her feel like your turned off about it. For example: “Sex has been awesome lately, tell me what I have to do to make you feel as good”. It’s a great way to get on the topic and to make her smile while feeling comfortable about the matter at hand. When my boyfriend notices I am more focused on him then myself he will stop and whisper ‘I want you to finish’ it’s erotic and it’s comforting at the same time.
    I personally have come to hate porn as much as I admire it, it literally can break families up when it becomes an obsession and a lifestyle. I do find joy in watching porn because it gets me in the mood quick but I would never watch it, in hopes of becoming like the women in it. My advice would be, if you know she/he is watching it a lot and changing because of it, confront she/he and nip the problem in the butt. The admiration in it is because of ones insecurities, I do recommend confronting the topic so it doesn’t progress.
    Tell her she’s Beautiful, even she doesn’t want to hear it.

  6. Jasmine Lopez Torres

    I totally agree that copulation should be something in which two people need to partake on with naturalness. By reading this, it seems to me that this woman is feeling a little insecure about her behavior during intercourse so she had to resort to pornographic sources. I think that the male in this situation, should try to explore what ‘she’ would like as well. That way, they can freely speak about the things that he doesn’t really like. Not only is it “best when she likes it” but it is also best when two people can communicate about things that bother each other without any hesitation. The best type of sexual encounter, I believe, is when you see the other person’s flaws and all but you’re willing to become part of them in some way and also connect with them physically.

  7. I do believe that sex should be a mutual thing between a man and women or even man and man, or woman and woman. It’s best to be comfortable enough with your sex partner to the point where you can talk or discuss anything without feeling guilt of putting the other down. Although I do also agree that it would be quite a turnoff to have one fake pleasure. But like I said before, discussing the issue would make things far more easier for the both of the people to both have pleasure. Many people can find this helpful in their sex lives. I feel everyone—that’s sexually active— should have a healthy sex life. Some take away points from this is don’t be afraid to speak to your partner, the more you both enjoy it the better.

  8. Of course sex is better when your partner is actually enjoying too. I’ve had my fair share of relationships as the blog stated “incredibly loud moaning” I had an ex girlfriend that use to be so loud that it would turn me off so much that I would get her to climax and I didn’t care about myself because when she moaned so loud that I would focus on my performance but rather what the hell was going on in her head or body. Maybe it’s just me but I always have to get my sex partner off too or I won’t feel like they’re attracted to me.

  9. Talking about sex can be difficult, especially if you’re new to it or if you’re someone who’s looked at porn for sex tips. Pornography makes it difficult for woman to focus on what they like during sex because they’ve been profoundly intimidated by the woman in these videos. These woman are hot, young, and very submissive…not to mention black belts in sex. How are woman supposed to compete with this? She’s probably thinking, “If i can’t fuck him like a porn star, i’ll let him think he’s fucking me like a porn star.” If i was this author i would just guide my girlfriend during sex, ask her what she likes and what she thinks feels best.

    Side note: This post reminds me of the movie Don Jon

  10. It’s amazing how much we (men probably more than women) take or learn from porn. We probably all have performance anxiety and try to figure out how to measure up to the expectation. Guys so often seem worried about size when compared to porn.

    I found it interesting in the post about her reaction and moaning not being natural. I think except in rare instances we need to be genuine and honest with our partners. Whether we realize it or not, others can see through us pretty easily.

    Reacting naturally I have to think is more of a turn on or compliment to a guy than fake moaning and other reactions. I think the opposite of this is holding things in so as not to embarrass ourselves or lose control. Neither are probably appropriate and really fair to the person we are being intimate with.

    • Definitely.

      And you might be interested in this piece: Real Men Competing With Porn Stars

    • “Guys so often seem worried about size when compared to porn.”

      It is not just porn. Men also see women with sex toys that are larger than “average.” They hear how women often say “size does not matter” but always seem to prefer larger over smaller. Some even talk about their prior lovers skills and size with men as well. Unless the guy is gay, most heterosexual males do not care to hear about this. Having a “nice” cock is highly desired by most women. And that is not an average cock!

      So, when all of this stuff is combined, it can cause immense insecurities in many many men.

      I am not a porn advocate or watch porn. However, for those who do, to each his own. I truly feel that overall, porn has a negative impact on both men and women.

      • Huggy,

        Big penises often hurt, and a study of one African country found that women married to well-endowed men were more likely to cheat because they wanted non-painful sex.

        Most women orgasm clitorally, so size really doesn’t matter to most.

        When women who do care say these things, you notice it. But they aren’t the majority of women.

  11. Georgia,

    I don’t know if any desires or self-relations aren’t ideologically mediated, as Zizek says, when you think you aren’t following any ideology and just “being yourself,” that’s when ideology is most present, that’s when the influence of unconscious or subconscious thoughts isn’t making contact with any conscious buffers. I say you never reach a kernel of “true self” untouched by family, society, ideology, etc.,and that ***the true self is what you decide it is.*** Call it an “essentialist” vs an “existentialist” theory of introspection and personal identity. I will give you two examples:

    (1) You know there are feminists who worry about being a “good feminist” when they like things whose aesthetic/origin/message is perhaps not egalitarian, inclusive, etc., say Fifty Shades or pornography, or a romance novel, they might explain their desire for the “wrong things” as “introjected oppression” or as “biology” or as “the real self.” So in the end, the woman might invoke libertarian principles and say something like “feminism is about choice and this is what I want” or say something like “these eroticized images of female subjugation and inequity aren’t something I want to be a part of” and keep fighting her own desires, albeit in a self-perceived heroic way. In both cases the “intrapsychic content” is the same, but how she interpreted it made the difference.

    (2) Say I want a threesome with two women, then I read articles on a feminist blog sharing how I’m being conditioned to want something almost no women want, how threesomes destroy relationships, how the concept perpetuates male supremacist aesthetic tropes and erotic self-relations, etc. I read all this information and can’t seem to shake off the feeling that a threesome with two girls would be awesome. I would be in a similar position as the “conflicted feminist” woman just mentioned, and of course this is purely hypothetical (ha ha).

    Just as gender concepts are ideologically mediated, so are true self concepts. Is the true self present when spend a lot of time reflecting on what I want, or do I identify the true self with my first strongest and seemingly instinctual impulse? It depends on if I embrace a reason-centric or a passion-centric philosophical anthropology, among other things. It might be worth exploring (as in publicly exploring, I am not saying you haven’t already thought about this) what notions of self and of freedom are informing your conceptions of true self and free choice.


  12. Mine is related to the previous blogs I’ve seen you post about sex and women not having orgasm and one night stands and how men don’t have the pressure to please in bed for casual encounters vs women. But I’m just saying how it’s the depiction of women and roles seem to have an effect with woman toward men as well.

  13. That’s why you made me wonder when you said women pleasing men and men less so during sex. I think that’s true in one night stands, but as far as effort goes, I think guys do when its a relationship or not a one night stand and they know the girl. Because like I said if portrayals and images are anything related to real life, then it’s men who are genuinely pleasing their woman or being lustful in an assertive way vs women pleasing men in a one dimensional (just bjs) or submissive scripted way. It’s not so much submissive as I can like that, I just like things being unbalanced and not genuine.

  14. I hear how you say women aren’t pleasured, more often from the one night stands where guys more often focus on themselves. But many guys don’t actually like one night stands and more guys having relationships or at least fwb arrangements which guys try to please their girl more often and do, as girls who have these friends with benefits keep them around, if the man wasn’t good in bed, the fwb would end fast. But sometimes I wonder how much media portrayals or erotic stuff, etc goes to the way men and women,treat or go at things intimately. From my experience part of it is true and part not. Perhaps its related to the woman opening up and a relationship might need to go a year for her to not be self conscious or maybe its just the personality or women ingrained with how they are to go about things. I don’t know.

    It’s interesting because if one was to make a conclusion by romance covers, erotic images, portrayals with movies, tv, etc, it’s the woman feeling more pleasure than the guy and the guy going to town on pleasing his woman. What I see in porn or other stuff, is mainly something along the lines of a bj, or referencing toward it, but I don’t know there’s just something submissive in regard to it, which is fine. I’m not going to be specific, but there are some stuff that come to mind.

  15. We know how porn is not good for men to get their sex education from, but I think as you see from this post women trying to learn from it, doesn’t help either. Even though she’s trying to focus on pleasing her guy, she’s not paying attention to her enjoyment and on top of that, a woman doing that will seem scripted, and a man doesn’t want his gf, wife to go through things she feels he’ll like, like going through some manual, but her owning it and doing it herself.

    A big injustice in porn for men is not them knowing how please women but also men, not understanding they can enjoy much more if they didn’t view sex as pounding their woman and getting blow jobs. A woman watching porn is getting the wrong idea too, sure guys may like to try some of that stuff, but a woman watching porn will think or go about it like a man has one erogenous spot, his dick. If you’re to go by porn, all his pleasure is centered on his dick and maybe thats true for some guys, but I think other spots feel good too, but you wouldn;t guess that watching porn. Yes, every guy likes blowjobs, but there are other spots other than that, which guys might like touched too.

    Women focusing on a man’s pleasure while it seems like she’s being selfless and doing what’s good for her guy, actually is not good, because its not genuine.

  16. Sex should be enjoyed by both and you have to be yourself and let go of “what is supposed to be happening” as it is different for every person. Enjoy and feel the sensations and act on them as you feel them. Not everyone makes noise… not everyone is quiet!

  17. I think porn and a lot of the sex that is shown in film and tv make us think that if don’t look like we are having a hell of a good time, even if we aren’t, that there is something wrong with us. Pleasing the man can turn into a first instinct for many. I believe sex can be way more satisfying when a woman includes her own pleasure in the equation– but that can be a scary, vulnerable place to be in… what if nothing happens? what if he thinks I’m frigid? what if he leaves me for not pleasing him enough? some of the questions that can live in that quiet, feeling place.

    • Been there, done that. So I totally get it. Women need to let go of that fear because it chases erotic away. Instead, women need to get into all those good feelings, which grow stronger as you focus on them. And in the end, everyone is better off if she’s enjoying it.

  18. Sadly a lot of women probably think this is what the guy wants because, lets face it, THIS is what men want to see in a porn flick so I can’t blame a girl for thinking unless she acts like a porn star you won’t consider it good sex. I don’t do this though, lol

  19. Basically if you believe she’s internalized or introjected patriarchal concepts, then when and if she undergoes a change of perspective, we cannot really predict what she’ll desire, want, and do.

  20. The original poster also cannot really know what would happen to his partner if she paid more attention to her own desires—-assuming she is not—because how would we know, what would be the template from which we could construct a picture of what “unrepressed sexuality” or “true erotic self-possession” would look like?

    • You may have a point, but whether or not his assessment is accurate, he’s bringing up a really important point. And if guys want sex over the long run, it’s super important that she like it, and is not just trying to please him. Because otherwise she’ll get bored with sex over time and stop wanting it.

  21. Wow! …really interesting perspective from him.

    • Yeah. Some of my women students watch porn to figure out what guys like. It’s important for young women to know that the thing most guys want most is for her to be into it/enjoying it.

  22. amazing – this is healthy and effective!!

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