Porn has put an imagine into men’s and women’s head on how sex should be and what is considered sex to be and what is considered sexy to women. I believe that sex should be enjoyed by all parties. It should be something that they both are comfortable with and genuinely enjoy. Once one person starts to fake anything them a line of communication should open up because it means that one person is putting more in than the other person and it should always be equal. I know how porn can feed into our heads how things should be in the bedroom but it is something that is scripted and unrealistic. We should do what we and our partner finds pleasure in and if or when that stops then communication should open up again on how this all can be resolved. Sex should be something easy, fun, and pleasurable. cannot even imagine being with someone and acting fake through it all, just do what feels right to you and what turns yourself and the partner on.

I love this topic! It’s so insightful to hear from a man and being a woman and reading it while trying to analyze it, is an eye opener.
My significant other and I have been together for four years and there are times in our relationship where we went through some dry spells due to numerous different things. I am VERY self-conscience when I know I shouldn’t be: He loves me and he tells me I’m beautiful everyday, clothes on and off, but my insecurities have caused some sexual frustrations between the both of us.
We have always had a strong sexual desire for each other but its been four years and I think boredom is hitting and its shaking things up instead of leading us to converse about it. Recently I found out about a new porn addiction he has, it hurt me a lot, I recently had a baby and I am suffering with depression and self-esteem issues about my body. Porn was never his thing, he told me he didn’t like it and I believed him, some men don’t get off to pictures or videos. So why does he like it now? Am I not satisfying him? Is he tired of the same person after four years? Just recently I figured out its called change, which is 100% normal and so we decided to sit down and talk about it. I told him I am comfortable with anything new, with the help of him telling me I’m beautiful, I told him we can watch porn together, role-play, bring toys in the bedroom and so far its been successful, we have tried a little bit of everything. This example of my life may seem a little off topic but the reason I talked about it is because your girlfriend, or anybody’s significant other might be going through change or insecurities, they may just be wanting to spice things up without hurting YOU. There are times where I want my boyfriend to receive more pleasure then me because I crave seeing his euphoric state, it’s not bad she wants you to be more satisfied then herself at times but it is important the feeling is mutual.
My solution to this problem would be to sit down and talk about it but don’t make her feel like your turned off about it. For example: “Sex has been awesome lately, tell me what I have to do to make you feel as good”. It’s a great way to get on the topic and to make her smile while feeling comfortable about the matter at hand. When my boyfriend notices I am more focused on him then myself he will stop and whisper ‘I want you to finish’ it’s erotic and it’s comforting at the same time.
I personally have come to hate porn as much as I admire it, it literally can break families up when it becomes an obsession and a lifestyle. I do find joy in watching porn because it gets me in the mood quick but I would never watch it, in hopes of becoming like the women in it. My advice would be, if you know she/he is watching it a lot and changing because of it, confront she/he and nip the problem in the butt. The admiration in it is because of ones insecurities, I do recommend confronting the topic so it doesn’t progress.
Tell her she’s Beautiful, even she doesn’t want to hear it.

I do believe that sex should be a mutual thing between a man and women or even man and man, or woman and woman. It’s best to be comfortable enough with your sex partner to the point where you can talk or discuss anything without feeling guilt of putting the other down. Although I do also agree that it would be quite a turnoff to have one fake pleasure. But like I said before, discussing the issue would make things far more easier for the both of the people to both have pleasure. Many people can find this helpful in their sex lives. I feel everyone—that’s sexually active— should have a healthy sex life. Some take away points from this is don’t be afraid to speak to your partner, the more you both enjoy it the better.

Talking about sex can be difficult, especially if you’re new to it or if you’re someone who’s looked at porn for sex tips. Pornography makes it difficult for woman to focus on what they like during sex because they’ve been profoundly intimidated by the woman in these videos. These woman are hot, young, and very submissive…not to mention black belts in sex. How are woman supposed to compete with this? She’s probably thinking, “If i can’t fuck him like a porn star, i’ll let him think he’s fucking me like a porn star.” If i was this author i would just guide my girlfriend during sex, ask her what she likes and what she thinks feels best.

Side note: This post reminds me of the movie Don Jon

Georgia,

I don’t know if any desires or self-relations aren’t ideologically mediated, as Zizek says, when you think you aren’t following any ideology and just “being yourself,” that’s when ideology is most present, that’s when the influence of unconscious or subconscious thoughts isn’t making contact with any conscious buffers. I say you never reach a kernel of “true self” untouched by family, society, ideology, etc.,and that ***the true self is what you decide it is.*** Call it an “essentialist” vs an “existentialist” theory of introspection and personal identity. I will give you two examples:

(1) You know there are feminists who worry about being a “good feminist” when they like things whose aesthetic/origin/message is perhaps not egalitarian, inclusive, etc., say Fifty Shades or pornography, or a romance novel, they might explain their desire for the “wrong things” as “introjected oppression” or as “biology” or as “the real self.” So in the end, the woman might invoke libertarian principles and say something like “feminism is about choice and this is what I want” or say something like “these eroticized images of female subjugation and inequity aren’t something I want to be a part of” and keep fighting her own desires, albeit in a self-perceived heroic way. In both cases the “intrapsychic content” is the same, but how she interpreted it made the difference.

(2) Say I want a threesome with two women, then I read articles on a feminist blog sharing how I’m being conditioned to want something almost no women want, how threesomes destroy relationships, how the concept perpetuates male supremacist aesthetic tropes and erotic self-relations, etc. I read all this information and can’t seem to shake off the feeling that a threesome with two girls would be awesome. I would be in a similar position as the “conflicted feminist” woman just mentioned, and of course this is purely hypothetical (ha ha).

Just as gender concepts are ideologically mediated, so are true self concepts. Is the true self present when spend a lot of time reflecting on what I want, or do I identify the true self with my first strongest and seemingly instinctual impulse? It depends on if I embrace a reason-centric or a passion-centric philosophical anthropology, among other things. It might be worth exploring (as in publicly exploring, I am not saying you haven’t already thought about this) what notions of self and of freedom are informing your conceptions of true self and free choice.

William

That’s why you made me wonder when you said women pleasing men and men less so during sex. I think that’s true in one night stands, but as far as effort goes, I think guys do when its a relationship or not a one night stand and they know the girl. Because like I said if portrayals and images are anything related to real life, then it’s men who are genuinely pleasing their woman or being lustful in an assertive way vs women pleasing men in a one dimensional (just bjs) or submissive scripted way. It’s not so much submissive as I can like that, I just like things being unbalanced and not genuine.

We know how porn is not good for men to get their sex education from, but I think as you see from this post women trying to learn from it, doesn’t help either. Even though she’s trying to focus on pleasing her guy, she’s not paying attention to her enjoyment and on top of that, a woman doing that will seem scripted, and a man doesn’t want his gf, wife to go through things she feels he’ll like, like going through some manual, but her owning it and doing it herself.

A big injustice in porn for men is not them knowing how please women but also men, not understanding they can enjoy much more if they didn’t view sex as pounding their woman and getting blow jobs. A woman watching porn is getting the wrong idea too, sure guys may like to try some of that stuff, but a woman watching porn will think or go about it like a man has one erogenous spot, his dick. If you’re to go by porn, all his pleasure is centered on his dick and maybe thats true for some guys, but I think other spots feel good too, but you wouldn;t guess that watching porn. Yes, every guy likes blowjobs, but there are other spots other than that, which guys might like touched too.

Women focusing on a man’s pleasure while it seems like she’s being selfless and doing what’s good for her guy, actually is not good, because its not genuine.

Basically if you believe she’s internalized or introjected patriarchal concepts, then when and if she undergoes a change of perspective, we cannot really predict what she’ll desire, want, and do.