Men: Forget Your Own Orgasm

lovers-in-bedTherapist Scott Williams advises men: Forget your own orgasm and you’ll get amazing sex.

Why would that be?

Scott asked couples in one of his relationship courses if they had an orgasm every time they had sex.

All of the men had. But none of the women did.

So he asked the men,

When is the last time you took care of your wife’s needs and didn’t worry about whether or not you were satisfied?

Blank stares all around.

Something is wrong when one partner is always satisfied while the other is often left unsatisfied, he says.

And then he explained why a man’s orgasm doesn’t really matter:

If a man is wholly concerned with satisfying his female partner’s needs, and is relentless in his pursuit of her sexual and emotional happiness, he will never have to worry about his needs again.

(So) guys, here’s your assignment. For one month don’t worry about your needs at all. Concentrate on being that amazing lover you want to believe you already are… Your woman will thank you me!

Women’s sexuality is far more repressed than men’s in our society, which makes women’s pleasure more difficult, and leaves them less interested. (You don’t find this problem in places that are sex-positive towards women’s sexuality.) So men typically have a higher desire for sex, want it more, and find it easier to climax.

Plus, whoever wants it more (whatever “it” is — sexually or otherwise) must make the bigger effort to get it.

If “he” focuses on “her” orgasm, she will be more interested in sex and everyone will have a pretty great time.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on March 6, 2017, in sex and sexuality and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 37 Comments.

  1. Maybe for hook ups, but as far as relationships go, I believe many men focus mainly on their woman’s orgasms. From what I’ve seen is that guys try to last a long time in bed and will hold off or slow down the temp to hold of their orgams and focus on getting her off first. Why do you think guys in serious relationships, often try to get the woman off first? Because the guy knows he will get off or off easier and faster and he doesn’t want to be one and done or have to take a time out because he got off first while he’s recharging and she’s not pleased. So why do you think guy’s do that? Because their focus is solely or mainly on their woman’s orgasm. A guy won’t hold off as long as possible during sex until his woman orgams unless it’s because he wants her to be pleased, her pleasure is more important as as important as his and her orgasm is more of the focus. Actually it seems to be a problem I’ve read about women when a man is all focused on her orgasm, or she knows it, because it can put pressure on her to orgasm which will actually cause it to not happen.

    And it’s because I think a woman has to be relaxed and not focused on herself like that or else it will not work. So if he’s all focused and she can sense it from him, a woman can sense his effort and focus and him wanting to, and like pressure during sex if the orgasm doesn’t come. I kind of understand it even though I’m a guy because even thought it’s easier as a guy, I had a moment or moments where with a girl and well oral sex trying to get the result from me and I knew this and it like ended up not working for me. So I can only imagine for women that even be counterproductive.

    I think if the focus of orgasm is taken out and the guy just focuses on pleasing her and lets his wife, gf or whoever feel comfortable to where she can openly communcite to where she will make sounds or give tips of what she likes or he takes note of the “mental” foreplay before sex or throught the day to get her slowly simmering through the day so she’ll be really intot it when they are naked in bed. I think a lot of this is not guy’s either, and repression. He can do all the things right and please her and all on her. And she still not orgasm and I think because of repression, I think I heard a lot of women don’t really know what really feels great and such. Because if you think about it, because of repression. Sure dildos and vibrators and times have allowed women to admit more use of this stuff. But I still believe as far as masturbation which makes you know your body more and touch and in tune with your sexuality. Men, well I masturbate much more than women. And some women, pretty sparingly.

    • It’s true, many men do care about their partners orgasm. One study of college men and women found that men in relationships were much more likely to care than men who did hookups — who almost never did.

      Still, the problem is rampant as you can see from this therapist’s clients. And maybe they’re in therapy largely because of this problem.

      • Or maybe some men aren’t getting women off and are there because the women aren’t communicating, the women are distracted, or feel bad about their bodies. The women don’t even know their own bodies that well for the various things they like or technique that is best for them. Like I said there are plenty of guys in relationships and actually hear say they wait for their woman to orgams first and often the priority is the woman’s because the guy will get his, but wants to last for her. Especially since a woman can keep going after orgams whereas guy’s have to take a break after because of the refractory period. But yet guys doing this and effort and still women may often or sometimes still not get off because of the stuff in their head holding women back, not from men’s lack of care and effort.

      • Sure, Society plays a big role in the problem, Like objectifying women and making them feel like they are good enough if they don’t fit some narrow notion of what’s attractive. In addition to all of the punishment for women’s sexual needs. We must fix the society. But until the society is fixed men will probably be better off if they put a lot of focus on their partners.

  2. that was a good hit all the way for home run…… i think i tend to agree with what has been said…… crisp and lovely message for all….. dont be selfish…… think of others also……

  3. Hang on, you were trying to convince us before that what society needs is for us to return to pre-patriarcal sex-positive ways, and then women will orgasm just as much as men. But now what you’re telling us is that men have to attend therapy sessions with a professional before that can happen.

    “Women’s sexuality is far more repressed than men’s in our society, which makes women’s pleasure more difficult, and leaves them less interested. ”

    Sounds like you’re saying that the problem is inside women’s heads and not men’s actions. Why should we immediately jump to trying to change men’s behaviour to something unnatural (which, all jokes aside, we know is not going to last), when you’ve just told us clearly that the problem is in the heads of the women? Why didn’t the men go home and let the therapist go to work on the women?

    • “Hang on, you were trying to convince us before that what society needs is for us to return to pre-patriarcal sex-positive ways, and then women will orgasm just as much as men… Why should we immediately jump to trying to change men’s behaviour when you’ve just told us clearly that the problem is in the heads of the women?”

      If our society didn’t mess with women’s heads in an unnatural way — constantly punishing women’s good and natural sexuality — men wouldn’t need to forget their own orgasm. Instead, we could focus more on each other.

      • You didn’t answer the question. You’ve identified the problem as being inside women’s heads, surely the first place we should look to solving it should be inside women’s heads. At best, trying to change men should be a backup plan to the real game of women fixing their own issues.

        Why do feminists always jump first in the direction of blaming men instead of following logic and common sense?

      • First, I’m not blaming men. I’m blaming a culture that punishes women’s sexuality. Both women and men internalize that culture and punish women through things like slut-shaming.

        So absolutely, in order to help women we need to create a sex-positive culture. And sex-positive cultures are gender equal. I’ll write more about why later.

        But since it takes a long time to change a culture what do you do right now? Counter intuitively, if men want more amazing sex, forgetting about their own orgasm can be an effective way of achieving that goal.

  4. So true. And the very last line is gold.

  5. In a world where clitoridectomy ( female circumcision ) is still being practiced, woman’s orgasm is too far fetched an idea.

    We ( and our UNO ) will worry about child labour, animal rights, ozone layers, pollution, global warming….etc.
    And after doing all this where is the time to worry about this clitoridectomy.

    Moreover, the societies and countries where this is practiced, are petro dollar rich countries. They can’t be offended !!

    • Pretty sad that women’s sexuality is so often feared. That ends up not being good for women or men, since they both enjoy sex less when only one partner gets pleasure from it.

      Here in United States things aren’t quite as drastic but to some degree women here still experience a psychological clitoridectomy, which is why our rate of sexual dysfunction is so high with nearly half of women experiencing severe symptoms. And even women who can orgasm often need a mechanical assist (Vibrator). I’ll be writing more on this later.

  6. Interesting to know, though it is easy to guess as most men consider themselves better of the two. Having said that, this psychology would change in the coming years/decades.

  7. Men always think about their own needs and not about whether the women achieves their orgasms or not. When they cum they are tired and don’t want to have sex anymore. Did they ever think that the women wants to keep going? NO. They just until they are satisfied and go to sleep. Or the other way around, women are satisfied but the man isn’t so they keep going until they are satisfied. I think also that it’s more difficult to get a woman to get an orgasm so maybe that is why men don’t pay attention to women’s orgasms. If they want to give a women an orgasm they will take longer sex and maybe they just want a “quickie”

  8. I feel like this article was spot on.
    I believe men sometimes feel like it’s ALWAYS the women’s job to make sure that he is satisfied. Yet women settle or become used to having to be ok with not being satisfied as well. And it’s unhealthy because soon the women who aren’t being satisfied by their man, will soon not want to even bother having sex with their partner at some point. Which will then cause the man to not be satisfied anymore.

    One’s sex life between their partner should consist of both people in the relationship to be satisfied. Not just one. I do agree that maybe if men forgot about their own satisfaction during sex, the sex could be pleasurable for the both of them. And I think men should be open to at least trying this idea, once to test it out.

  9. Another very good post, Georgia.

    Because I’ve never been able to restrain my rather quick orgasms upon vaginal penetration, yet finding that a woman in the throes of spasmotic orgasm is the most erotic thing I’ve ever witnessed, I don’t attempt penile penetration until I’ve brought her to orgasm through concentrated, erotic foreplay. It is interesting that I’ve found that a woman will sometimes achieve a second orgasm when I do penetrate. I do wish I could do that. 😀

    Besides, extended foreplay is simply fantastic for me as well, and can lead to a real, mind-blowing detonation.

    I think men should consider extended foreplay and, if necessary, ask their partner what rings their bell. I can’t imaged having sex purely for self satisfaction other than masturbation when necessary.

  10. I’ve always wondered why men only think about themselves when it comes to sex. They only care about their pleasure. Never had there been a moment where he’s asked me if I orgasmed or whether I was even finish. Pretty selfish. I’m at the point where I’d rather avoid having relations than go for a two minute quickie. Why should he be pleased but not I? The last time my bf and I had sex his finishing comment was: “Sex is overrated. Once I finish I don’t have the urge to go again.”
    Well no shit. You just came. Sex might get boring at a certain time in one’s relationship and possibly with the same person but overrated? Never.
    This is most likely the reason why most women lose interest in sex.

  11. Sure, Society plays a big role in the problem, Like objectifying women and making them feel like they are good enough if they don’t fit some narrow notion of what’s attractive. In addition to all of the punishment for women’s sexual needs. We must fix the society. But until the society is fixed men will probably be better off if they put a lot of focus on their partners.”

    Yeah some guys in relationships should hold off on their “O” or focus all on hers. But it feels like from this post, that it unfairly assumes that women not orgasming in a relationship, which men usually care more about the woman. That it’s due to the men focusing on their orgasm or not enough on hers. That may be true for some men, but it seems to put a blanket across many men who I believe focus on his woman’s orgasm and their focus is for her to get off before he does. I see and hear guys say that. If a woman’s orgams wasn’t a priority, then a man wouldn’t purposely focus on her getting off first. He might want to get her off, but wouldn’t have the strict thought process of her getting off before him. It would be her getting off being important, but not to the extent in regards to who gets off and who gets off first. To me, if a man is gonna hold back on his orgasm and not focus on it until his woman gets off. That suggests her orgams is the priority. I’ve carried that view where I’ll focus in foreplay or be a marathon man, anything to hold myself off and ensures the girl I’m with gets an orgasms or orgasms before I do. From what I’ve heard, there are many guys who say and think that way too.

  12. While this is a very short article, the title definitely caught my eye. Men are always so preoccupied with their own pleasure that they completely forget that of their partner. The article states that in a survey, couples were asked whether or not they had an orgasm during sex; all of the men said they had, while none of the women had ever had one during sex with their partner. Something is definitely wrong with this picture. Why should only the men be satisfied? Why not anyone else? The article takes a turn on explaining why men’s orgasm’s aren’t important ad why they should focus more on their partner’s pleasure. They will get more out of pleasuring their partner, because they will feel good about doing something for them for once, or so we hope. The article ends with something along the lines of “If he is more invested in her pleasure, than she will want sex more, and everyone will have a good time”. It is a good point, but the fact that women will praise men because they can pleasure them a little more doesn’t seem very likely. Women would probably only want more if their partner can actually make them climax, and hopefully an extraordinary one at that.

  13. There are many men that focus and care about themselves when put in certain situations because to the way they were raised and taught. They don’t care for their partners needs as long as they satisfy their wants, which there are many men along with machismo men that are tough on gender roles and don’t want to caress their partner leading into their pleasure as it may show a sign of weakness and a “soft side” being exposed to women. Also men being focused with there own orgasms may be due to it being an expectation from women to pleasure them instead of it being vice versa. Women grow up believing that they have to conform into these gender roles of having to do everything for men including pleasuring a mans needs without expecting anything in return for themselves. Society has shaped and portrayed many expectations from women that they “must” do according to society. Also, breaking this gender role between a relationship and men if men where to focus on a women’s pleasure first, it may lead to having a stronger relationship between the two, mentally and physically.

  14. If guys are focused on their own pleasure during sex rather than their partner, does that attitude also show in other areas of the relationship? If not then why are they selfish when it comes to sex only? Have the expectations of men and women been affected by internalization? If guys love and care for their partner, it should be pretty simple to figure that making your partner happy will create a far better experience in bed for you both. I also think there is sometimes pressure in a relationship for both partners to orgasm at exactly the same time. If that’s what we expect, it’s not always going to happen. Spending time on your partner and giving them all your attention can be a huge turn on for you both. Respecting and learning each other is the way to build a wonderful relationship together.

    • I would guess that a partner who is generous in one area of life, Like sex, would be more likely to be generous in other areas of life as well. So it looks like a good indicator.

  15. This article was interesting to read. I agree with, if men work more towards pleasuring a woman, they will never have to worry about their own pleasure ever again. I feel its an amazing thing when a man cares about his woman even in the bedroom. Not only does it make the sex better but it makes the woman so much happier. If a man were to orgasm every time, and a woman doesn’t, how is that not only fair but enjoyable? Sex is supposed to be about both parties enjoying an equal amount of pleasure. I can fully understand why women would lose interest in sex if it’s only ever the man who receives an orgasm. It makes me happy to know however that there are a lot of men to my knowledge that want to give their woman the best pleasure as well.

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