Why Endure Excruciating Hookups? 

Bad sex

Bad sex

Some women enjoy hooking up when it’s “friends with benefits.” Or if not friends, at least sex without malevolence.

Other times ya gotta wonder why they do it.

Women having bad sex

Like women who have sex with 13 men (at different times) but without pleasure. Because it’s about his pleasure and not hers. Or women who feel reduced to sex toys. Or women who “just want to get it over with.”  Or women who say,

[The men] could care less about what I do with my life or if I ever see them again. Many times afterward the guy will not say hello or even acknowledge my presence.

Or women who know that men tell stories about them,

They’re not afraid to use names. I’m sure there’s been a story about me on a Listserv. It happens to everyone.

Several women told Kate Taylor, who explored sex on campus for a New York Times piece, that they couldn’t hook up without alcohol because being intimate with men they didn’t know was too uncomfortable sober.

Sounds crazy. Yet the phenomenon is widespread.

Why have bad sex?

Why agree to bad sex? The women probably do it because they believe that everyone else does. It’s human nature to conform to social norms. Especially when those norms are collegiate “cool.”

One girl described the initiation process, which takes place at big fraternity parties during New Student Orientation:

You go in, and they take you down to a dark basement. There’s girls dancing in the middle, and there’s guys lurking on the sides and then coming and basically pressing their genitals up against you and trying to dance.

Bad sex, too

Bad sex, too

When she began joining in the dancing, herself, she had to be drunk to enjoy it.

The initiation is the first verse, sung softly, that trains women to transform into sex toys for men’s pleasure but not their own.

Looking deeper, women are also taught to serve and to think of others.

Women are taught to be sexy, but not sexual.

They are also taught that men’s sexual needs are more important than their own. Some told Dr. Lisa Wade exactly that. Since women’s sexual needs are more repressed in our society, they may feel less urgent.

And women are taught that they and their needs are secondary in ways that go beyond the sexual. Who’s the head of home? Who’s the boss? Probably a guy. Women almost always come after men: men and women, boys and girls, brothers and sisters, guys and gals. The last time you got a holiday card the husband’s name probably came first, followed by the wife’s, and then the children in order of appearance. Women take their husbands last names. Men usually feel insulted at the thought of taking their wife’s name. And, “man” often encompasses “woman,” as in “man,” “mankind,” “brotherhood”…

And so men get used to being primary.

And women get used to being secondary. We hardly notice it.

When hookup culture elevates men’s pleasure and de-prioritizes women’s pleasure and pain, it’s all just as an exclamation point.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on June 3, 2015, in feminism, psychology, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 48 Comments.

  1. As a college student, this whole concept of “sex without pleasure” is everywhere. Maybe it is due to the fact that we are no longer living under the roof of our parents’ house, this sudden rush into a social life filled with strangers all craving the acceptance of one another, the constant experimenting with alcohol in dingy frat houses, or just the unspoken assumption that it is what everyone else is doing- sex is seemingly all around us, and if you do not partake, there must be something off with you. Yet, this surprisingly is not looked down upon by most college students (maybe I am generalizing), as it is just part of the college experience- to experiment, to find out what you like. Alcohol does play a huge role, as yes these are the “norms,” and no one questions it. I definitely do think girls are taught that men’s sexual needs are more important than their own. I have heard girls speak about this on many occasions- “it is only good for the guy.” And yet, no one does anything to change this. I definitely agree, women’s needs are repressed in society.

    • It’s interesting how people conform to subcultures that don’t benefit them, and may even harm them. It’s “What you’re supposed to do” In their minds.

  2. I believe that random hookups is simply easy by nature for some people to do but for the most part it stems from the way that they were raised or brought up. Even when it is bad or they do not enjoy it they still do it for many reasons. In high school I had a friend and she randomly hooked up with so many guys and was known for it too! In my opinion she did it because she had no family love and support growing up, especially from her father. Also, I noticed that she would sleep with the “Popular” guys in school and thought that would some how make her more popular! Now she is 20 years old with a child and no father in the picture! There is a huge gender double standard with random hookups and I believe that everybody, boy and girl, goes through most of the same emotional thoughts with random hookups! Everyone, in the back of their head, would prefer to be sexual with someone they love in my opinion.

  3. I have a friend who feels the need to have pointless sex all the time. I asked her if she enjoys it and she said ” sometimes, mainly its to make them happy” Does she even hear herself? I can’t believe she lets this happen to her, but like you said its the norm. I have never been the kind of person to things like that, I’m just simply to shy. I would never want to though. I couldn’t imagine how you would feel after. I would feel so used and not satisfied. I say save yourself the drama.

    • I totally agree with you, Melissa. I know this woman who will sleep with almost anything with a pulse, yet she gets upset that people talk about her promiscuity. I’m not sure what type of issues she has or the things we’ve been through, but i can almost guarantee that she is not happy with herself before or after sexual encounters. I personally don’t see the point in subjecting yourself to something like that when you don’t even enjoy it. Clearly, there are some underlying issues women deal with that leads them to think that catering to someone else’s needs takes precedence over their own desires in a more extreme manner than other women. You and I are both shy, but I also think that we have grown accustomed to go against the grain and not do what’s considered norm. We do what feel right to us. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like that drama is so unnecessary.

  4. I found this article very relevant. Many of my girl friends are very open about their sex lives, but I’ve heard a disturbingly large number of them say that they’ve never had an orgasm/don’t even enjoy hooking up with guys, but they do it anyway. I think that many women-especially college-age, see “hookup culture” as a means of increasing their self esteem and seeking out validation. By no means do I blame these women for this mindset as its completely normal to want to feel validated by someone’s attention, but unfortunately, men are too often taught to view women as disposable sex objects and not worthy of respect. I think that hookup culture is toxic in that it plants the idea that “everyone around you is having sex, so there’s something wrong with you if you’re not.”, leading women to believe that their pleasure and comfort is worth less than adhering to the status quo.

  5. Peter Schmetz

    I found this post extremely interesting because <i never th0ught of the hookup culture as being a type of college social norm. Having attended UCSB I have seen that college females participate in the hookup culture simply as a form of fitting into the larger college social scene. Girls are conditioned to perform in ways that do not show self-respect, and this quickly becomes an expectation, and a form of social participation. The widespread college hookup culture is about much more than individual cases, but rather is a larger social phenomenon that is currently underway. It also turns into a cycle because girls do this to fit in, and then quickly lose respect of their male peers, which ultimately results in them losing respect for themselves. It is interesting to see this culture develop, especially at a University like UCSB, where in order to fit into the Isla Vista community, hooking up becomes not only a routine activity, but also an expectation for girls campus wide. For example, as the article discussed, fraternity parties are just an example of where this occurs. Another community where this is evident is the athlete community as well, where female athletes and male athletes have expectations regarding hooking up, and also self-respect. Like I stated earlier, it is not necessarily a conscious occurrence, but rather a widespread phenomenon that often times goes unnoticed because it has come so routine. It isn´t until articles like this are posted and made available in the media, that people become aware of the hookup culture, and can really reflect on its consequences. Overall, I found this article very relevant to current college campuses, and I think that it would be very beneficial for many college students countrywide to become more educated and aware of this issue.

  6. Women have conformed to social norms where they accept their duty to give in to sex, even though it may be bad sex or not enjoyable for them. Women only become “sex toys” to men and being drunk adds to the experience. Why are women’s desires and wants being put off after men’s? This may go back to where women are seen from an early age for reproduction and domestic work, which goes further in the concept of serving and giving. Why accept being second when both genders are made equal? Being a male or female should not make you better than the other. We are all humans in the end. Hookups have become a part of college life and affairs in marriages. Today’s society sees it as a normal situation, but the danger of STD’s, respect, and moralities are not emphasized. The media and patriarchal society have made men the primary elite individual. Without women, every single human being on earth would not be here today. Did society ever think about that?

  7. This is interesting to me because I knew girls who would go out and initiate hookups with guys that they hardly knew. I guess there is a difference in hardly knowing someone versus not knowing them at all beforehand. I remember a few years ago I was watching the Tyra show about teenage girls who felt that they had to give “sexual gifts” to their boyfriends after a certain amount of months. It has become a normative behavior to go out and hookup with strangers. I guess in movies and tv shows like Sex and the City, they portray women as go-getters and as women who place their own pleasure first. If women feel like they have to drink alcohol to enjoy sex with someone then that should be a sign that they shouldn’t go through with it. I also find it sad how some women are treated after hooking up. A lot of them felt that they were basically serving as a man’s sex toy. And that doesn’t just happen with hookups but also with couples in a relationship.

    • Hooking up can be fun, If it’s not in a patriarchal context. Unfortunately, too often women are so out of touch with their own sexual desire, And are overly in touch with what they believe are social expectations, So that they end up doing sex in ways that are painful or dull.

  8. Christopher vaquerano

    I go on this rant fairly often so those who know me can already guess at what I am going to say but I’m of a definite mind that music is one of the biggest reasons sexism against women is prevalent in our society. So called artist “Big sean” has a song out on the radio who’s chorus states that “I dont f**k with you, you little stupid ass b***h I aint f****n with you.” The song goes on to state that tge “artist” has all this time and money that he can do whatever he wants to whatever woman he wants because he’s got a line of them waiting for him to choose them. Ushers newest hit sports a message that he does not care if his girl is a stripper, that “if you dance on a pole, that don’t make you a whore, gotta get that money money money.” Finally from the female perspective we have Beyoncé on her latest hit saying she “wants to be the kind of girl that he likes,” and alludes throughout the song to the sexual acts she will perform for him while in the back of a limo and how she does not care who knows about it. Each of these songs is playing on multiple radio stations right now and I’ve heard strangers him them while out shopping. When these lyrics enter our consciousness, they solidify the message that is dominating our current social norm and that message is that women are here only for the pleasure of men. By bleeping out the curse words they become “acceptable” enough to dump onto the masses but in my opinion that is like putting a small bandaid on a gaping wound. The trance like messages find their way into our minds thought beats and melodies that are sensually pleasing and so we mindlessly take in the gender roles they prepaid for us and our moralities crumble that much more. It must be scary for these women who intoxicate themselves in order to subject themselves to the wills of multiple men. Imagine them saying no. A deluded and hyper agressive mind that has been infected with notion that women are just cum rags might be capable of initiating forced sexual relation and with mob mentality as it is, we see many cases of this where instead of helping, the crowd joins in because no one wants to be on the outs. listen to what our music is teaching our children! The songs I talked about are not underground and isolated, they are hits coming from artist many younge people look up to because of their guise. these people are so mainstream that they are making millions on selling an archetype of female gender that is severely damaging our moralities. After my woman’s study class I made a conciousness decision to not listen to sexist music because the only way we can beat this is by not feeding the flames so don’t listen any more. It may be hard because it spews from the speakers of convenient stores, markets, your car, commercials but it’s necissary to abolish this way of thinking so we can advance our society.

    • It’s pretty sad how much our society accepts misogyny in pop-culture! It’s good evidence of how strongly we have internalized the idea of women as being secondary, and degraded. We don’t even care. And we often even get mad at women who complain about it!

  9. I think people “hook-up” with friends cause it convenient, I mean theres no work involved on getting to know a person or casually taking them out on a date. I see more and more people actually doing that and they may or may not enjoy it but it’s an easy lay for them. No one has to be concerned with each others feelings or any of that drama non sense. There are times when people do start having feelings and start making things complicated but overall its a simple process. There are people who have low self esteem that any chance they can have sex they’ll find any opportunity to do so. Yes, they may regret it the next day but there are tons of people who regret what they did the night before, it may have been exciting at the time but thinking back, it was probably a horrible experience. I think many people these days want to take the easy road, i find that relationships aren’t very important to many people and are mostly temporary. People tend to marry older and have kids at a later age. I’m not sure the reason why, but this generation seems more selfish. Maybe it’s the cool thing to do, maybe people don’t want to find love, maybe they like being alone? There can be tons of reasons, but I sure don’t think girls and guys sleeping around is the safest for anyone, even if they aren’t sleeping around being alone isn’t very healthy either. Men and women to me have this high expectation of what a perfect person is, I’m sure it’s due to all this social media and this fake facade that people portray and people are looking for that. This imaginary life that some people may find and some will never get near. it’s actually kind of sad that people have a horrible sex life. Sex is suppose to be enjoyable and exciting and to have sex just because or really have no emotional connection sounds horrible. I understand that some people may enjoy that life but then again everyone no matter who you are always wants something more in the back of their head. After reading this article I do feel that this applies more to younger adults, the ones who don’t know any better yet and are realizing things as they get older. Women just need to have a little more respect for their bodies and minds and not fall into the bs words that come out of mens mouths just to get in their pants. Sometimes I listen to girls conversations and laugh about how silly these girls talking about boys and their needs. If he’s not giving you what he wants and your already complaining, then he’s not the one for you, move on. Don’t sacrifice your joy and happiness for a night of miserable sex cause this horny guy who probably means nothing to you wants to get in your pants. Either way, i recommend to wait.

  10. It’s hard to be single and in college today. Somedays it feels like everyone is in a relationship and how are you supposed to meet that special someone? A bar? A frat? These places don’t encourage relationship and communication, but they do encourage sex. I have definitely felt the pressure at these places to find someone that I could go home with at the end of the night. But in the end, regardless of whether I discuss our sexual likes and dislikes before we even have sex, the sex is never as good as it is with a significant other. I wish everyone could be on the same page about this and not give in to society pressures to have one night stands or accept that women are only the givers. I want my friends and I to engage with better sex and then if the guy is unwilling to return the favor then we should not be called “a bitch” when we walk out on him. Why can’t we live in a world where mutual pleasure is expected??

  11. 1. Why should the uniformity give preference to males?

    2. It’s really not that hard to be gender-equal

    3. Don’t forget that many women say that the hardest part of marriage is changing their identities by changing their names. In fact, when you put yourself in their place you found it pretty much unbearable.

    Why should uniformity give preference to women? You see, one way or the other it’s going to be “unfair” for man or women. If one is gender equal down the line including kids, it makes things more complicated than they should be. It’s not practical in the real world. Siblings should have the same last name especially if living in the same household with mom and dad. If they are, then they have to share the same last name, which would either be their dad or mom’s last name. That’s not fair if the father wants his children to have his last name. Not fair if mother wants children to have her last name. So basically you’re either going to make things confusing and complicated, especially if having many children or unfair to some extent to the mother or father. Something has to give. Either most families have the father’s last name or most with the mother’s, either way there’s going to be an unfair shake for the woman or man depending on which way it goes.

    • I don’t think women should get the benefit of the preference. I believe in equality. As I said, you can do things like give children the names of both parents (I got my mom’s name and my dad’s name) or come up with something that combines the names in other ways like McFeif.

      And what I propose is actually widespread in Asia and Latin America. It’s just not that hard.

      • Christopher vaquerano

        God forbid we use a little effort and to actually talk to our kids *gasp* I agree that it’s not that hard to compromise on the last name issue and if we expect to raise stand up and intelligent children then we should embrace the chance to enlighten them on a decision made with both interests of mother and father in mind. Equality for some reason has always been a big hurtle for people to get over especially when one part benefits from the inequality but to be put off on the idea because it seems complicated is a luxury I don’t think we have if we’d like to advance our civilization a bit

  12. When you write long comments I just skim through them and hope that I got the basic idea (Because I don’t have time to read a lot of really long comments). But it sounded like you were saying that you thought women should take care husband’s last names. And I don’t have a double standard I don’t think either men or women should feel like they need to take their spouses last name. I think everyone should keep their own identities. When women habitually take man’s last names it’s part of what teaches them to be secondary. And it had sounded like you felt that women should take their husbands last names and that feminists are horrible people simply because they feel that women and men should be treated the same way.

    Said nothing like that. Feminists are not horrible and not that women should take men’s name so much as I and other men having to take women’s names when every other dude doesn’t or isn’t. If tomorrow every man had his mother’s last name and that was everywhere, then that might be another story. Though I’d still want to keep my last name. Well it didn’t sound like you felt women and men should be equal, when it seems like men would have to take women’s name or compete with everything a man does. You said men and women can keep their last names. While that’s nice and everything. It doesn’t seem practical. It sounds good for men and women to have their names and I don’t have a problem so much with that. But then who takes the kids name? If a wife wants to keep her last name, then she’ll probably want her children to have her last name too.

    So where do you find the resolution to it? If one child has his or her mom’s last name and the other the dad’s last name, then that just causes more complications with school, identity, and everything in school, forms to show relation and the family as cohesive. Everybody having last names or apart just makes it complicated. That’s why in reality, the family needs or more practical to have one last name, either the man’s or the woman’s last name and the children. So one way or the other, you’re not going to have it “equal”. Men having to have their wives last name is no better or if all or most men going that way isn’t any better as well as if all children. Maybe society could be split where some men have their wives last names and children with the woman’s last name and other families with husband/father’s last name. But I don’t see it working “half and half”, because I see if having to go a majority one way or the other, because men and women will both want their last names.

    • There are a number of ways of dealing with it. In some cultures children take both of their parents names. I think it’s common in both Latin America and Asia. I actually got both of my parents names. But I just use one of them. I guess the kids could decide which name they want us to use. Some people create a new name. I no one couple where’s his last name is Pfeiffer and her last name is mcDaniel and they combined it to make McFief.

      • Seems to make it more complicated though and organized. As far as family identity, it seems like it would cause more confusion from outsiders just because of who wants to keep their last name. It makes sense having it be “uniform” as far as the last name and family.

      • 1. Why should the uniformity give preference to males?

        2. It’s really not that hard to be gender-equal

        3. Don’t forget that many women say that the hardest part of marriage is changing their identities by changing their names. In fact, when you put yourself in their place you found it pretty much unbearable.

  13. I actually feel kind of sad when I read this article. I used to think American girls possess the most control over themselves, both their emotion and bodies. I have heard a story about the difference of American girls and Chinese girls in a hook-up. It’s said that if a Chinese girl tells her friend that she met a really hot guy last night, her friend would ask “And then?” And the Chinese girls would say “Then I walked away”. However, if there is an American girl tells her friend that she met a hot guy last night, her friend would ask nothing, because it’s for sure that the American girl would add, “Then I fu** him”. This was actually the image of American women in my thoughts. They are active and dominant in a relationship. So I feel really sad to realize that they are also heavily repressed by the society and that they are also somehow forced to experience the bad sex. I really wish women all over the world could grasp their own pleasure instead of lowering themselves for the pleasure of men.

  14. Hooking Up? We are nearly finished watching back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. The Hooking up is getting pretty lame now. Let’s not stray from the original topic.

  15. What a terrible reason to have bad sex, I really hope that girls find their confidence and self-value and honestly, become more selfish. It’s such an unfortunate dynamic that our society has creating with the nonexistent hookup culture that might trap girls and perhaps even guys into. It makes me wonder though if guys feel like they are pressured into have sex with girls, and treat them in the way they are “supposed to” with dominance. I feel like we have trapped men so extensively with the stereotype of masculinity, as much as we do with women and submissivness.

  16. on my part I don’t like hook ups but it’s different with love….sex is divine when shared with the person you really love even if it means bad sex . Sex is heavenly when you have the same drive and chemistry hook ups will make you feel used so it makes you feel dirty and it’s not healthy.

  17. I also wonder how much the misconception that the should be enjoying/into/want whatever is going on or there is something wrong with them otherwise plays a part.

    • I’m glad you brought this up. I was thinking I should have included that point. I’m “Supposed to: do this… like this…” For sure it plays a huge part.

  18. “Who’s the head of home? Who’s the boss? ” Many households now, actually women are the boss and one in charge. It may be men trying to be macho saying they are. But how many times is it the husband that says the wife is in charge? More then you think. When a husband and wife have kids, many times the dad will leave the decision making to his wife, the mother as in “ask your mom” or “or what mom says” and her say the overriding decision even though the man is the father and parent too. Even if decisions may seem governed by men, it’s usually the women for many men who have the final say and more powerful. After all women can’t end up in the “doghouse” or on the “couch’ right? Or it’s not nearly as strong against her as punhishment as it is for men. I mean women control sex, so in a sense for many weak men, just as many women control or are in charge of the relationship in real life.

    Now your complaining about this “Men usually feel insulted at the thought of taking their wife’s name. And, “man” often encompasses “woman,” as in “man,”

    What’s so wrong with having the man’s last name. That’s why people can be tired of feminists like trying to compete with men and doing everything for the sake of girl power, almost in a spiteful way. I’m sorry, I believe in equality, but I’m not going to be an exception and having my last name to my future wifes. I’m not going to be the exception while every other man and my friend’s get to keep their last names and I change mind. Plus I’m proud of my heritage and last name and want to carry it down the line if I have a son. My future wife can have her’s plus mine if she still wants her.

    But it’s not practical as it makes for a really long last name many time. I’m talking about where it’s the woman’s last name hyphen husband last name. Back when Pamela Anderson was married to the Lee guy, drummer for motley Crue. Her name was Pameral Anderson-Lee, Lee being his last name. I’d be fine with that, but not getting rid of it. I take woman and man, meaning that man isn’t more important, but we as human beings. Though different genders, the shared “man” in man and woman being the connection and bond, similarity between the sexes and not because of men being superior.

    • Well you think you are for equality but you have some internalized sexism that you seem to be unaware of. language is hugely powerful and when little girls grow up in a world where they are always put second, including the name change, they are subtly but powerful he taught that they are secondary. It creates kind of a mass Low self-esteem experience. Not that women are aware of their low self-esteem, but you see it when they willingly put themselves last consistently and in situations like what I’m describing in this post. And I know a number of women who said that the most difficult part of marriage was changing their names and the identity crisis that went with it. Your reluctance to want your wife to keep her name actually shows how powerful it all is. It sounds like you would lose self-esteem simply by her maintaining equality. So think how powerful it is when when she submits to taking your name. (Of course, women are so used to this that it seems natural and normal to take that secondary position – unconscious low self-esteem like I said.)

      • That’s the problem with feminists. Now a man is mysoginst because he doesn’t want her last name. Then I guess all or most men are mysoginist because most men keep their last name. She can keep her last name as long as it ends with mine, but it isn’t practical, and why most women don’t do it, because it makes for a very long last name. I know a woman who had her name kept and hyphened with her husband’s and its a long last name. Her’s is a pretty long last name and her husband is polish, which many polish last names can be long. She would fill out her check and she’d joke how she wished their were stamps she could use, because it was quite the long signature, especially if she had to sign her name multiple times. So that’s a reason why many women probably don’t keep their last names to their husbands, because its so long winded.

        “shows how powerful it all is. It sounds like you would lose self-esteem simply by her maintaining equality.”

        No I like and want my last name kept and I want my children to have my last name and continue the generation. That’s the reason some men have children or try to have boys along with girls. I don’t have any male cousins with my last name, as I don’t have a brother and my uncles on my dad’s side don’t have sons. One has a girl, my cousin who is older than me and my other uncle, no children. It’s on me to carry my last name, otherwise my heritage will dispear. But it’s something I’d hope, therefore try for, but the end result is it’s really out of my control. Mother nature ultimately decides and could have all girls. And that’s not a problem as I’d love to have a daughter or daughters, as I love my niece dearly. Except I’d not be looking forward to the stress I’d have when she’s in her teenage years and boys. I’m sorry, I’m a proud person and I’m not going to be the exception when most men don’t have to? That’s a big reason. I shouldn’t have to when other guy’s get to have their way. Screw that. If I woke up tomorrow and most men had their wifes last name and children having their mothers. I’d be much more likely to do so, as it would not be an exception. I think many women even independent, strong women keep their husbands name, because they realize it’s not worth having a conflict when everything else is good and they love their husband and are engaged. I think many men would hold off on being married, or rethink it even if engaged and she wanted him to have her last name.

        Fact of the matter is that you can’t have it both ways anyway, so you might like it, but if things flipped and most men and their children had their wife’s/mom’s last name, then that would be agaisnt men. It’s right for most men to have their wives last name, but not all right for most women to have thier husbands last name? Simply put, you have to have either the wife or husbands last name. Both last names is impractical and usually way too long. And like I said women are many times in charge of the household just as much as men.

      • When you write long comments I just skim through them and hope that I got the basic idea (Because I don’t have time to read a lot of really long comments). But it sounded like you were saying that you thought women should take care husband’s last names. And I don’t have a double standard I don’t think either men or women should feel like they need to take their spouses last name. I think everyone should keep their own identities. When women habitually take man’s last names it’s part of what teaches them to be secondary. And it had sounded like you felt that women should take their husbands last names and that feminists are horrible people simply because they feel that women and men should be treated the same way.

      • This is in response to Bob’s issue with names:

        I didn’t take my husbands last name, I kept my surname, and it is a total non-issue in our household. My reasoning is because it is an antiquated tradition that symbolized the transferring of a woman as a piece of property. I am a proud feminist. I am also incredibly proud of my families lineage and it is my families history that I relate to. I am not going to sacrifice what I consider to be a huge part of my identity to appease another persons ego or social standards.

        You don’t have to change names and you don’t have to hyphenate. My son has my husbands last name currently but we have discussed hyphenating and talking to him about it when he is older so he can make the choice for himself. In many Spanish cultures they traditionally hyphenate names, and sometimes it transfers down through the generations.

        I mean, I guess I just don’t understand why the male ego takes priority? Because of custom?

      • “My daughter having my last name would be irrelevant, because when she marries to a man, she will take his last name, thus the end of my last name and heritage.”

        Well, it think it is very sad that you do not see your daughter is carrying on your heritage and genes etc. Because, she does. Just as much as your son.

        This is the big picture I was hoping you would recognize. Just because someone has your last name does not mean that person is carrying on your heritage. Heritage comes from ancestry and genes. Not last names.

        You daughter is just as much a reflection of your heritage and genes as your son. But, because she is a woman, you have marginalized her contribution to YOUR heritage..

        Just saying…

    • “Plus I’m proud of my heritage and last name and want to carry it down the line if I have a son.”

      What if you have a daughter? So, you don’t care if she takes your last name? Hmmmmm.

      This is what multiculturalism does to a society. Instead of fostering genuine diversity, it creates an emphasis on things like “heritage”, “race”, and last names…

      • I would want my daughter to carry my last name. But I don’t focus on it, because I realize it would be my son who carries it, as his wife would most likely take his last name which is mine and his children, thus carrying it on if and when he has sons. My daughter having my last name would be irrelevant, because when she marries to a man, she will take his last name, thus the end of my last name and heritage.

  19. Your post points to hard realities still prevailing, and regrettably at that. In many cultures in India, there are subtle changes like the lady’s name is mentioned ahead of her hubby’s name in invites to social functions; in a formal gathering, the lady is allowed to speak first, followed by the gent; we also have exceptional instances of sons carrying their mothers’ names as surnames, and rather proudly at that, declaring their admiration for their
    mothers; so, albeit slowly and subtly, the social fabric is certainly changing. As women become dominant, such superiority, or priority, is bound to have its repercussions in matters if sex too… Take heart, Georgia, the horizon is most definitely becoming brighter.

    • Well, feminists are going for equality, not female dominance. And I’m glad that things are changing in India. It’s a tough time there right now because women are making really big gains but at the same time the improvements are triggering a backlash in the form of higher levels of sexual harassment and rape. It’s as if some men who feel threatened are trying to say, “We are going to dominate you and limit you by trying to keep you in your homes and out of public life.” Those things sometimes happen during transitional times. But as equality becomes more normal men will feel less threatened and these problems will surely decrease. there is a strong pattern that with greater equality there is the less violence against women. (Except in times of transition in some places.) I’ll be writing more about that later.

    • That is very interesting to hear that the Indian culture is developing this.I just recently watched a documentary on the Indian culture and how it affects girls, and what most astonished me, or just caught my eye was that at such a young age the little girls were striving to work on attributes that they knew men valued or desired. For instance one of the girls said: “Every guy in today’s society wants his wife to know English, because he wants to go around in clubs, go to movies and meet his friends”, “95% of guys do consider it a prerequisite… to marriage”. I thought it was very interesting that the girls in that video (very young in age) were highly concerned about the they needed to be for men, and in order to marry because “it was socially desirable”.

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