Sex: Who Gets Screwed?

One day I asked my class to think of slang words for sex. I got the following list:

Screw, f-, bang, nail, ram, smash, smack that, beat those, cut, boning, git-in-em-guts, get some trim, get some grip, do it, get some pussy, nasty time, make love.

I don’t know about you, but I only want to do one of those things.

Most of this list suggests a good deal of violence. And who gets screwed, rammed, nailed, cut, boned, banged, smacked, beaten, and f’d, anyway?

Really, it isn’t pretty.

The music I grew up on offered the B-52’s singing “Bang, bang, bang (on the door baby),” David Bowie intoning, “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am,” and the Tubes celebrating the raw tuna of a sushi girl. A nice piece of meat.

A DJ interrupts to suggest, “Could you trim that thing?”

It all sounds so appealing.

And we wonder why women indicate less sexual interest than men on surveys. But these words are only a small tip of that iceberg.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on February 20, 2012, in feminism, gender, men, psychology, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. True, maybe guys should stop trying to be so macho and using words that are not good towards women or not respectful. But maybe women should be more aggressive with their sexuality towards men and their language. You think they don’t probably because they don’t want to seem like sluts. But even anonymously on the web, I have yet to see women use language in regards to sex in an aggressive way. Sure some of the language on forums can be raunchy, and very explicit. But I’ve yet to see language of sex in a violently aggressive way. Only thing like that, is like S/M crap, or femdom crap. Apparently only tools and such are used to bring out dominat aggressive sexual language, as far as what she’s going to do with such objects, but nothing simply from an aggressive sex stand point itself.

    • I’m really not sure why women don’t you sexually aggressive words. It might be because they aren’t socialized to be as aggressive as men are. Acting aggressively is strongly instilled in boys and men, unlike women.

  2. I think it’s a matter of perspective. True women want a loving relationship more so than something casual, so references suggesting that are not going to be liked by women. But women like that or many do like that vulgar talk from men they are in relationships with, so it seems more so, about who it’s coming from. If from their husband who they love and who respects them, the fucking and other words and rough sex, women like. A lot of women do like rough sex or fucked, or dominated. The funny thing is you say thats demeaning for those words and only one is good or something like you wouldn’t use those words yourself. And maybe that’s too bad in regards to women. I know women can and might suprise guys with their sex talk to other women in private, that might make guys blush. But as you alluded and my thoughts is it doesn’t seem women are usually as aggressive with their sex talk and I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I think men would like or be turned on knowing women were using references of sex toward men in violent more aggressive way. I don’t mean like her wanting to be fucked, but like role reversal way, as in words with her fucking the shit out of him or owning his dick or instead of beating the pussy up that some rappers have used, she wants to beat his dick up.

    • What I’m talking about isn’t so much a partner saying these things as hearing them in public, in casual ways. It can seep in unconsciously, creating negativity, without even being aware of it.

      Even with partners, how much a woman likes hearing these things varies from person-to-person, and depends on what is said. If she loves the guy and he’s talking about how much he wants to f- her, that probably sounds good to her. But when it comes to calling a woman a slut, most women don’t seem to like it, though some do.

      And yeah, some women like rough sex, too. That’s different from the language issue I’m talking about here. Have you read these?

      Why Women Want Shades of Grey
      Fifty Shades of Pro-Orgasm

  3. I found this article rather interesting. After reading this blog I never realized how sexual language can be violently motivated. The pornography and the media are spreading these words on TV and the internet. They use these kinds of words to attract people to watch. There is truly nothing more disturbing than the realization that many young people nowadays are learning all they know about how to have a sexual relationship from pornography. I like this article because not only can I relate but I’m sure a lot of others can.

  4. This is an interesting article; I never notice the different names for sex. But now days I find ladies using many different words code for sex. I also know guys who make up these names jus to be discreet when talking among friends and I’m thinking that the same reason women do it. A lot of people think its funny and I happen to think its funny as well but didn’t realize how effective it is. It’s easy to see how people use the work by context clues.

  5. Avinash Ananth

    I feel this is a combination of two factors – the perceived superiority of men over women and how society perceives sexually active men versus sexually active women. The false belief that men are superior to women often brings about the ‘objectifcation’ of women – the notion that women are just another commodity that is displayed, marketed and consumed and this causes a significant detach of emotion.This coupled with the negative moral perception of sexually active women, often accompanied by vile titles discourages women to be open about themselves and their regular bodily functions. I think these are some of the reasons that drives down how open women can be about sex and their outlook and enthusiasm for the same.

  6. I can’t help but to wonder why people actually like such ‘rough’ sex and vulgar language. Maybe because I’m not into to it, I see it as abnormal. I have no evidence to back this up, but I feel like such behavior comes from something not good in one’s life. I also wonder, how many women say they like crazier things in bed because they feel the need to compete with girls in porn, and other girls in general? Perhaps because they hear these lyrics in music, and they feel the pressure to be that girl. I also wonder, if a girl had to choose ‘dirty’ sex, over making love; how many would actually choose it? I mean, as a woman, I would die if I heard my boyfriend tell his friend that he beat that sh*t up last night vs. hearing, last night was amazing, I love her.

  7. Sexual language does come off as violently motivated nowadays, but we must also take into consideration that everyone has his or her preference when it comes to sex. I feel that you can’t blame it entirely on men because their sexual partner may prefer to use vulgar terms before, during, and after intercourse. For many vulgarity aids in increasing sexual tension, which in turn results in a better sex life. I feel that it depends on the person you are, therefore you have to find a suitable sexual partner. When you are sexually compatible with some one then issues with the terms listed above would not arise.

    • True, some women do like those words in bed. (And in terms of “blame” I’d say that both men and women are pretty well-socialized, so that it can all be a bit unconscious.) But these same women might not like the thought that a man they had sex with uses those words to tell his friends about it, and some women don’t like those words at all, leaving them a turn off.

      Thanks for your comment.

  8. After reading this blog, it helped me realize that the “sexual language” is violently motivated. I believe that men created these slangs and descriptions to denigrate women and the descriptions that men use to describe their encounters with women are usually a bunch of adjectives and vulgarity. In some cases, women does the same when describing men as well, but it’s usually sensual and not as explicit. Women are disgusted by the way men describes sexual acts but some women like it when they are having sex for the man to talk vulgar and at times do physical acts (choking,pinching.slapping,etc) in order for them to climax. So it’s really a two~sided situation.

  9. As a married woman I hate porn. No I don’t hate sex. But I don’t want to be compared with those ladies in those magazines and as far as I am concerned any man who needs porn to have sex and not his wife is making porn his second wife. Nope I won’t take second fiddle in this marriage or any other relationship I might have. Getting married means I don’t want to share my man and I like that ok. So no porn for my man. I love my husband and he knows very well how I feel and he loves me for it. Porn makes you feel that you are not good enough for your man and I don’t need that either.

    If you are married and you don’t like the fact that your husband is reading porn, just tell him how you feel. If he loves you, he might cancel his subscripion to play boy and try to see how to improve your married sex life. As wives we don’t have to just sit there and let those magazines tell our husbands what is good sex.

    If your not married you still may not want your man to become too attached to porn. Do you want to be compared to those ladies in these magizines??

  10. I beg to differ in that girls too are seeking more “rough” sex vs passionate love making. My ex girlfriend would always listen to songs by rick ross…”c c c cock your legs”…when i heard those lyrics in her car i was like….wtf, you actually like this. I do some guys talk like this too, which I think is pathetic. I’d much rather make love to a woman than “bang that”. I hate how porn and media is destroying society’s image of what sex should be and how class and morals of men AND women has much gone down the toilet.

  11. You can want emotionally bonded sex with someone who treats you roughly. Surely that is the modern fantasy of the age? You make a bad boy change by having such amazing sex with him that a long fruitful relationship starts.

    I am male. I am giving my impression on why we talk about sex like that. Since women want sex less often than men, they get to define what sort they want.

    • Thought you sounded like a guy.

      You are right that images of violent and degrading sex are increasing in our culture and in our sexual fantasies. It seems to be related to accessing porn in the privacy of home so that men are consuming a lot more of it. After men have seen thousands of bosoms and bottoms they often start wanting something more edgy, like violent and degrading porn. Well, that’s a history of how we got where we are today. Young men and boys today jump right into the middle of this stuff. We also have a pornified culture in which a lot of this stuff has gone mainstream – if less explicitly. Women are increasingly exposed to this sort of porn, and pornified culture too, and many women’s desires are increasingly trending toward that sort of sex, at least on occasion if not every time.

      Plus a lot of men get their sex ed from porn, believing that what porn stars seem to enjoy reflects what real women want – but it OFTEN does not. Porn more closely reflects male sexuality than female sexuality.

      That said, it’s still possible for women to enjoy D/s sex with a man she loves, is committed to and trusts yet still feel upset if the terms men use among themselves to describe sex with her include words like ram, smash, smack that, beat those, cut, boning, git-in-em-guts, get some trim, get some grip…

      And as I wrote in another post: I worry about a society that develops a taste for women’s torment. Or for anyone’s distress. As pain becomes eroticized, women can develop a desire for their own suffering. My women students sometimes talk of getting turned on by a little S&M in the bedroom. Depending on how far it goes, the sex play can lead to broken skin, bruising and infections.

      We worry about women being battered. Should we worry when women come to crave their own abuse?

      As they sexily submit to domination and acts of violence by their male partners, male domination, itself, becomes sexy.

      Finally, if you think that sort of sex is more passionate than passionate love, you must not have experienced passionate love.

  12. Women have an increasing desire for screwing over making love. Making some nasty time is a lot more passionant than doing it normally. Women likely have a decreasing interest in sex because they’re not interested in the emasculated men produced by our matriarchal society. They want ‘real’ men like the DJ.

  13. I’d also ask which gender is writing those lyrics.

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