Men Watch Porn, Women Read Romance. Why?
Years ago I met a man who intrigued me. He was my first real love. But I didn’t go headlong into a relationship, I wanted to get to know him, understand him.
I became the detective, trying to determine whether he was right for me. Was he devoted, caring? Empathetic? Did he appreciate me? Was he in love with me or was I just a passing fancy?
He thought understanding each other was overrated.
My sleuthing confirmed my initial attraction – that he was deep. Unless the subject was sex and relationship, which he thought were the same thing. Big problem!
I eventually learned that this dynamic – men seeking sex and women seeking answers – is not unusual. It is even reflected in the erotica we seek.
A recent piece in the Wall Street Journal by Ogi Ogas says that men search the internet for two-minute clips that are all about skin and explicit sex. Women’s erotica is more like detective novel meets romance, and takes hours to read and digest. (The number of women romance readers and male online porn viewers are about the same. And keep in mind that one in 10 men are into romance while one in 10 women check out porn clips.)
The men’s interest is simple, uncomplicated. But women more likely want character-driven stories that reveal the lover’s nature. Sex is not for its own sake, and not with impersonal strangers.
As Ogas notes, the female cortex is highly developed and skillfully scrutinizes all available evidence – social, emotional and physical, somewhat consciously but largely not. All this leads to a general feeling of favorability or suspicion: Is he committed and kind? Is he a rouge? A player? Only if the detective work leads to a stamp of approval will physical and psychological arousal unite.
Men’s desire has been likened to an on/off switch, while women’s to a complex circuit board.
Why? Who knows? Some will point to evolutionary psychology: To best reproduce themselves women need a man who will stick around and support their children with resources. So women must be careful, picky. But men (having a great deal of sperm) best reproduce themselves by willy-nilly spreading their seed. It’s a popular theory, but I have my doubts since women in some cultures behave a lot like our sexual stereotype of men. American Indians prior to European contact, for instance.
Others say that in a world where women have less power, women’s lives are more affected by men than vice-versa, so they need to be more careful, even if their sleuthing isn’t very conscious. Women are more likely to follow husbands who are transferred in their careers than vice-versa, for instance. Also, men’s social status affects women more than women’s status affects men’s. When a waitress marries a dentist, her social status immediately rises to his. Not so much for the trucker who marries a female business executive.
And since men are typically bigger and stronger, abused women suffer greater injuries and have more difficultly defending themselves.
Women are also more likely to depend on men, financially, because they are more likely to stay home full-time with kids. Is he dependable? Can he keep a job? If men leave, women in our society bear all the responsibility for children (versus Ancient American Indians who parented communally).
Also, women’s sex drive is typically lower in our culture (largely due to repression), perhaps leaving women wanting emotionally connected sex more than variety and experimentation.
And of course, women were raised on a diet of Disney princesses living happily ever after with their one and only true love. Could have an effect.
Meanwhile, because men are bombarded with sexually objectified women, they come to see women’s bodies as objects that are all about sex, with women’s body parts as sex-signals. Hence the simple look-arousal response. (Surprisingly, the breast fetish seems to be learned, not natural.)
When women and men so often have contradictory ways of seeing and being, you have to wonder why (for about 95% of the population) women and men are thrown together in the first place.
That said, guys are getting more romantic. So while there are reasons why women are more likely to read romance novels and men are more likely to look at two-minute porn clips, in real life there is a bit more coming together.
Related Posts on BroadBlogs
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Posted on May 16, 2011, in gender, men, pornography, psychology, sex and sexuality, women and tagged gender, men, pornography, psychology, romance novels, sex and sexuality, sexuality, social psychology, women. Bookmark the permalink. 98 Comments.
BroadBlogs 
In our society, I feel like romance is so hard to find nowadays. Finding romantic guys might seem like an impossible thing nowadays because there’s not much of those anymore or at least where I’m from. What really brought my attention was when they mention about women relying on men financially. Though this is true in many ways, I feel like in our society women do not rely on men as much. Women are becoming more independent by the days and though is nice to have a men to support financially, many women are doing it on their own.
Yes we are!
22 year old from 2021 here. As I’ve grown up from the internet, I feel really disconnected to this statement. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a dated opinion or it’s because I’m just built different. I’m the type of person who prefers pornography over long things like books or tv shows when referring to sex. I’ve always found that the notion of sex being something that is meant to be and only be special as old. Growing up, my mom was always the type of woman to fantasize about Prince Charming, get super giddy, swoon, over analyze, and over anticipate things when talking about men. I always found that very annoying, because I always had an understanding that I didn’t care about finding that special one. Maybe the times have changed and sex is viewed differently in my generation, but I am really glad many other women I know think the same way as me.
Well, I did do an anonymous survey of my students in 2016 which wasn’t a terribly long time ago, and asked if they watched porn. Hardly any of the women in my survey watched it. And most of those who did said they did so to see what guys liked. (But unfortunately porn is it terrible sex education tool). So I have my doubts that even today porn is terribly popular with women. And not much porn is directed at a female audience, also indicating a lack of interest. Not sure how many of those same women watch shows like Bridgerton but shows like that still seem to be pretty popular even in 2021.
People do tend to hang out with like-minded folks so it can be hard to know what is common society-wide based on one’s social circle.
It’s interesting to have read this blog after reading the ” Men, Women Are Not From Mars, Venus” blog. In that blog, it mentions the similar traits that both genders have. That includes the desire to have sex with multiple partners, frequency of masturbation, willingness to have sex outside of a relationship, empathy for others, caring about close relationships, and closeness with a best friend. It’s shown that men and women have about the same sexual intentions but women are more likely to fantasize about romantic relationships. It’s not because women are known to be more emotional. It’s because, as mentioned in this blog, women are more likely to carry more weight in the relationship. Women are the ones who carry a baby for nine months and, in some cases, even have the responsibility of taking care of the child (or children) if the parents ever split up. In this case, it makes sense for women to be more “picky” and analyze everything that men do and the way they are because it’s important.
Coming back to history (16th-19th centuries) where women used to read in order to reflect their wealth (where they had certain books and could also read on multiple languages) is something that has its shadow since then. Even now in a modern society, we admire people who read a lot but since we are evolving its narrowing to the quality of the library. However, I do not remember any famous novel where the main male character would be considered ideal only because of his academic abilities there was always something else such as archery skills or horse riding at least.Therefore, women reading romances is a very natural thing to me and men watching porn as well.There has to be a wisdom of nature when it comes to patiently reading till the end and waking up several times during the night when you have a new born baby. In my observation, women tend to do more often than their partners no mater how awesome the marriage is.On the other hand men are hunters which makes them providers of the families and as a reward for providing to their family they expect that sexual excitement to be followed. It is so old but good forgotten. Nowadays, when people are getting married later and females are becoming more independent, it is probably harder for them to realize that they are working( doing the job of a provider) but there is no reward in return, so that makes them to take a short cut.
The “simple look-arousal response” is why men are more likely to watch porn than to read a romantic novel. There is no need for an emotional connection to be able to get aroused with porn. Growing up I remember the advice that I was given, along with many other females, about having sex for the first time- Make sure its with someone you truly care about. There was always an emotion involved when talking about sex, it could never be just for fun or God forbid a one-night stand. Yet on the other hand, males usually never get the advice females got. Men are cool if they loose their virginity at a young age even if they are not in a relationship. Their peers could even praise them! I also think that it might have to do with being discreet. Now, more and more women are not afraid to watch porn or talk about their sex life, but there was a time where it was shameful to talk about it. You wouldn’t know it was a romance novel unless you’ve read it or have heard about it. So you were able to read basically anywhere without anyone knowing you were being aroused. And with porn you cant really do that.
Really interesting post here! I agree with a majority of what has been said here however there are some underlying issues with the media continuing its projection of female objectification; in the form of pornography, our everyday social media, or simply magazines. To me. the male brain is constantly bombarded with the reward response of the brain similar to that of drugs with a dopamine rush when viewing pornography and sexualized women in the media. There is no fault to the phrase, “sex sells” when it really does in our world today. Additionally, the social acceptance of male masturbation and female objectification in the media allows men to easily access and seek guaranteed pleasure in satisfying their ever so growing cravings of sexual needs. Hence, men keep to looking at pornography and ingrain the pornographic traits of women into their minds and expect such from their partners. However, with the increased awareness and scientific studies of pornography addiction in modern times. the objectification and expectations of women built off of porn culture is reducing by the day; thus allowing men to be more “romantic” and pursue more fulfilling relationships not based solely off of sexual desire.
You make some good points.
I may just be a whore but I’d take expirement sex over lovey dovey crap. I also don’t depend on men because I’m independent and hoe around. I prefer romantic dates with girls and sex with men. I’d rather watch porn than read a romantic book. Books are boring, porn is exciting.
One out of 10 women feel the same as you.
The reason for the big gender difference is probably more cultural than biological. Some cultures don’t even have a concept of whores, and in them women and men are much more similar sexually. We are all a mix of culture + personal experiences + biologically face personality. So you get social patterns and individual differences.
Thanks for the excelent post,
“Men’s desire has been likened to an on/off switch, while women’s to a complex circuit board.” Totally True
Thanks!
As a woman, I have spent an extremely large amount of time on romantic novels. And I don’t even see the point of it. It bothered me a lot when I was in high school because I had so much schoolwork to do. Although abundant women know those novels are not realistic and that what we crave is usually what we can never get, we just can’t help. And once we start, it will be so hard to stop.
The point of view that “women’s sex drive is typically lower in our culture (largely due to repression), perhaps leaving women wanting emotionally connected sex more than variety and experimentation” answers my question about men’s being so-called rational. But yes I’ve seen more emotional men and more rational women, so things are coming together.
And I do doubt the existence of true love, at least the kind of love, which might be exaggerated, depicted in romantic works.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Well, that explains a lot. However, I can see lots of women are interested in stories like twilight and now fifty shades of gray. However, now a days even women watch porn sometimes. As a young woman, I honestly dislike both romantic stories and porn. It doesn’t really make as much since to me. Actually, when I was younger I would read some +18 stuff on the internet and that would actually somehow turn me on, but its not in my interest anymore. And for some reason, I used to laugh out loud when I watch porn stuff when I was a teen ager. I don’t know.. I feel very different.
Yeah, Women are increasingly watching porn. But porn is almost always made for men, and based on comments I’ve received from women who watch it, a lot of them watch it to learn what guys like, Not to get aroused. Twilight is very much in the romance novel tradition. And actually, shades of gray hold some similarities to it, too. Like there is sexual tension and less explicit sex — from what I’ve heard. Male dominance is one of the few ways that we eroticize men. And a lot of our environment sexualizes the idea of male dominance, Which women internalize.
There is a mistaken assertion/assumption here; that – at least for women – textual erotica is “better” than the visual variety. Allow me to explain. It’s only a difference in media type. In a movie – good or bad – you get a LOT from a two-second image; mood, color, movement, texture, etc. In a book, it would take an author one to two PARAGRAPHS to explain everything you just saw in that image. However, the difference with books (text) is that the author can put the reader DIRECTLY into the head of the character. There’s the most significant difference between visual and textual erotica. Now, you can PREFER one over the other; that’s a personal choice. But one is not BETTER than the other. One other thing: the brain is the largest “sexual organ” in the body…and when anyone reads a particularly arousing paragraph, the brain transforms, transLATES those words into images in your brain. Hence, even when you read erotica, you’re still creating your own personal porn video. Period. End of story.
The neuroscientist/researcher is simply pointing out that textual erotica gives a person must more information to work with than a picture of someone’s boob, for instance. So someone has to be more sophisticated in analyzing the text.
That said, there’s also a difference between fantasy and reality. When it comes to actual relationships, guys are much more sophisticated than they are when watching two minute porn flicks.
Men, by society, learn to be “visual” so they watch porn. Women are “supposed” to be into romance novels because they are women. Women are also more emotional so they don’t watch porn because they feel no emotional connection to it and that is what most girls want. Some girls find porn offensive because that’s all it is, porn. They’re being objectified as a sex symbol. women prefer to have their sex life private and romantic. I think women read romance to feed their imagination as to what a “perfect” relationship should look like. Women prefer to be swept off of their feet and make sure beforehand that the guy doesn’t just want them for sex but for an actual relationship. I do think men are becoming more romantic nowadays, though. And not all men just want the sex part of the relationship, but the emotional side to it; this comes with maturity and understanding that women aren’t just sex symbols.
In my opinion I think why men like to watch porn and women like to read is that men are looking for that quick satisfaction and arousal where women want the long term satisfaction which they get from a book. Women like to use more of their imagination. And guys Just want to cut to the chase and not beat around the bush. I think it also has to do with easy access because coming from a male perspective I wouldn’t go out of my way to go to the store and buy a romance Novel when I could get that same satisfaction from just looking up a video on my phone in an instant. I also believe it has something to do with culture and society for example if you hear that a guys is watching porn it’s not a big deal because ” he’s a guy” it’s okay for us to do that but yet if a girl watches porn isn’t considered weird or bad. So a girl has to satisfy herself like men do so they find that satisfaction in a book.
Ok, but men’s bodies aren’t fetishized either. That’s got to have a huge effect.
It always depends on person, for example, my boyfriend is more romanticit than me. But I agree with the opinion that women more likely to be “dreaming” when they think “love” because they are more likely to read fairytale or watch Disney princess movie in childhood than boys. It’s one of the reason that women expect and are willing to have romantic love with their lover. I understand why men and women are so different when they see “love” in biologically and psychologically perspective, so they often conflict and have argument even tiny little thing. But I believe if both women and men see this article and realize the big difference between them, maybe they can forgive, accept each other when conflict occurs.
And: Guys Are Getting More Romantic
So there are still some reasons why women would be more likely to read romance novels while men are more likely to look at two-minute porn clips. Luckily, in real life there is a bit more coming together.
This article fascinates me because it states every one in ten male reads romance and yet every one in ten women watch sex clips. I have a large group of friends from all types and I can honestly say out of each category of the group of guys I hangout with it is very true that one out of ten of them read romance. But that One guy that does is not called “gay” by fellow friends but actually receives more attention from females because they seem to be more understanding of the women’s feelings. Now females, that one was hard for me to relate and agree. Though men tend to watch more sex clips then female I think it also depends on the amount of estrogen a woman has to say whether they watch sex clips as much as guys. Personally some of my girlfriends are just as into porno as my male friends.
I don’t like the evolutionary psychology’s perspective since it helps men to rationalize their overt expression of sexual drives or objectification of women. Lots of my male friends say in that way, claiming that “we are born/evolved in this way, so please understand if we stare at you.” If the evolutionary theory is right, I might really have to understand them. However, instances as Native American’s culture in this article and the fact that gender roles are learned throughout lifetime, I believe that the way we express sexual desire by either watching porn or reading books is determined by learning. I would like to know the proportion of women watching porn in highly hierarchical society and egalitarian society.
Well I think that women are more likely to read about romance is because our society has train girls to have this fantasy of being in love or to be loved. Even if women were to turn to porn they would less likely tell many people about the usage. Porn is more for men. Men are more confident growing up and so they are more open to the idea of sex. Men having more than one partner is not looked down upon in society while it is for girls. Though the men who do read tend to be looked down upon for being less like the ideal masculine figure. As stated in your other blog porn now a day help people. It help people not become to focus on sex but more on relationship building.
I have a buddy that was always critical of porn that tried to have a plot, he always said that if it were left to him it would be a white room with a white bed and the man and woman going at it…15 minutes later it would be done. Simple and to the point because that is the reason one watches porn.
I am a lover of books, I buy them, read them and keep them around, often reading them several times. I have a collection that consists of Fact and Fiction, but most of them are about historical events and the study of current or past cultures. It may seem that I don’t own a “romance novel,” but I do have a book with a collection of Shakespeare’s stories including Romeo and Juliet. I have numerous books that tell of stories that involved love that was lost or found during wars and trying times in the past. Maybe those are romance novels? I was forced to read a Harlequin book once in a high school literature class, it was a struggle and I have never had the desire to read such a book again.
The evolutionary psychology aspect is interesting as the bulk of my life has been spent in the military. What I have noticed is that women in the military tend to celebrate the activities of watching porn or going to see male strip shows just as much as the men. The talk of toys and masturbation is almost a completion between the two sexes. I suppose this could be for a number of reasons, but for me, it made me see women in a different light. I often have to remind myself that in a “gentler” climate, when I am not surround by my fellow soldiers, to keep my comments and discussions at more of a socially acceptable level.
I have seen stats that say about 40% of overall porn sales are from women but that could also be for various reason, one being that they are doing it to promote excitement within a relationship thus supporting the thought that it’s done to stimulate the man’s desires. Or is it that women are becoming more sexually liberated? I don’t know. I do wonder what the percentage is of men and women visiting social dating sights and for how long.
In the end the reasons are probably as varied as the number of people, I watch porn for certain reasons, I read certain books for certain reasons and I watch normal movies for certain reason all which will change according to my moods or desires. I probably know just as many women who claim to watch porn as I do men that claim the same. Of course I don’t believe I know any men who have claimed to reading a romance novel unless forced.
The military women could be going out to watch porn as a way of “being like the guys” or “objectifying men” to bring themselves (women) up as they objectify. A number of women have mentioned on my blog that they sometimes like to objectify men, not so much because they find looking at their bodies erotic but because they want to “get back at them” or “even things out.”
Other women comment on my blog saying they watch porn so that they will know what guys like.
When you look at the data on what women and men actually search for on the Internet you get the numbers that Ogas described: porn 10:1 men; romance 10:1 women.
Also, when you see numbers like 40% of porn users are women, you have to keep in mind — in addition to points above — that many of those are men who are using women’s names. As Ogas said, “In fact, the main billing company for porn sites flags female names as potential fraud, since so many of these charges result in an angry wife or mother demanding a refund for the misuse of her card.”
Given that more than one part of the female body is fetishized while no parts of the male body are, it’s not surprising that men would be much stronger users of porn.
Some women watch porn. Many of them do not talk about it. It is a personal thing. Other women don’t for various reasons. Some of the ones who don’t avoid it because they find it repulsive for one reason or another. To them, porn is something only a “perv” would watch. Many women do not watch porn, mainly for the reason, some of the acts offend them (rape, bondage, anal, and someone somewhere will be offended). Men are visual, so they like porn. Women are emotional. Porn doesn’t turn many girls on because she feels no emotional connection to the person on screen. Girls get turned on through conversation. Women see sex as something private.
Men likely learn to be visual, while women don’t. Tribal men don’t get turned on visually, for instance.
What nonsense. You don’t think tribal men would be turned on by seeing some couple going at it?
You must have misread. I agree with you — for once.
I can really see all of your points reflected in my own life, and quite frankly, it makes me wants to hook up with another girl. So we can read steamy romance otgether and analyse each other.
xpusostomos
Of course not all men are the same. I was referring to men who are not at peace being single and are waiting for a woman to rescue them from loneliness. or take care of them. You would have to read the book “Fire in The Belly” by Sam Keen. The owner of this blog also said women have some of the same issues as well. Looking for a “prince or princess charming” to make everything all right. It is all illusion. I think relationships are wonderful but true peace comes from within.
I think a the term “trophy wife” is exploitative toward women in the way a man is just showing off or making his identity loook good in public by the woman he has on his arm.You do not need a woman to cook your meals -good for you. I still come across men even friends of mine who have attitudes of needing a woman to cook their meals or take care of them. Men need to start nurturing ourselves and taking care of ourselves not relying on a woman as utility to them.
However, your free to disagree with how I see it.
Broadblog wrote
When Europeans first came to the Americas they were surprised at how different things were here. Women and men had equality. In egalitarian cultures you tend not to find rape and wife battering, which really surprised the Europeans. But also, women and men both greatly enjoyed sex and were both quite promiscuous. After European patriarchal culture took over, everything turned on its head.
I found this info fascinating. Where did you extrapolate this info from?
Were you referring to Native American culture that were egalatarian with little or no rapes or wife battering? I am suprised inasmuch as I think of our early “New World” settlers like The Puritans/pilgrims. They were very conservative sexually. Is that who you were referring to as early European settlers, The Puritans? Very interesting stuff
Egalitarian Indian cultures who lived with little rape or battering were found mostly on the eastern seaboard, so the Cherokee, Iroquois, for instance.
Here’s a link with an excerpt from “Cherokee Women in Crisis: Trail of Tears, Civil War, and Allotment, 1838-1907”
By Carolyn Ross Johnston, University of Alabama Press, 2003
http://www.southernscribe.com/reviews/history/cherokee_women.htm
Also on the absence of rape among Iroquois: http://books.google.com/books?id=jxzZl460258C&pg=PA250&lpg=PA250&dq=absence+of+rape+among+iroquois&source=bl&ots=sVw8gQbQla&sig=ysB3_GYsKZcNzILHVUZiM-ZC3oI&hl=en&sa=X&ei=9O3EUKuJFuWjiALj9YDYDA&ved=0CEUQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q=absence%20of%20rape%20among%20iroquois&f=false
And
http://books.google.com/books?id=2iraAAAAMAAJ&q=absence+of+rape+among+iroquois+legends+traditions+laws&dq=absence+of+rape+among+iroquois+legends+traditions+laws&hl=en&sa=X&ei=de7EUOLHArHuiQKNn4GIBw&ved=0CDMQ6AEwAQ
For more on these egalitarian societies also see
Paula Gunn Allen, “When Women Throw Down Bundles: Strong Women Make Strong Nations,” from “The Sacred Hoop.”
“The Experiences of Minority Women in the United States: Intersections of Race, Gender, and Class” by Elizabeth M. Almquist (this is an article that can be found in “Women, A Feminist Perspective,” by Jo Freeman, 5th ed.) It might be online too.
Some of these sources talk about which Europeans were surprised. But basically any European from the earliest settlers were surprised.
By contrast, you find that levels of rape and battering are very high in more patriarchal cultures. Vietnam, for instance, is highly patriarchal and one study of villages in that country found that at least half of women in every household had been beaten — and sometimes every single woman had been beaten.
Contrast that to the United States where violence against women and girls has decreased with an increase in feminism. According to Department of Justice statistics (based on victimization surveys) violence against women is DOWN since the early 1990s by a rate of:
• Rape 75%
• Battering 65%
• Incest 40%
This is due to a combination of factors that have been influenced by feminism like men’s attitudes. Men are less likely to believe that they should control and punish women and girls. They are less likely to believe that females exist to serve them. There is also an increase in hotlines for battering and rape, there are shelters, there is more education on these topics, mandatory arrest laws, etc.
I had to add another point just to convey how a lot of men define themselves by women. Some men past the age of 50-60, when the testosterone storm begins to subside, begin to truly understand what it means to be “themselves”. Most men start to define themselves, not by the women they have on the side or their relationship with their jobs. Some men begin to see themselves as true individuals and to seek out things which validate their complete sense of identity. I mean think of the term “trophy wife”.A man who exploits a model type woman just to impress their fellow men or look good in society.
I believe men are going to be happier overall, when they define themselves as independent human beings, not as some silly boy sitting on a couch watching tv as their wives cook/clean, take care of them. Sort of like how some men are depicted on TV sitcoms as some silly child like dummy. And as a group I hear many men complain on internet forums or dating sites like POF how miserable they are without a girlfriend/wife. A large number of men still define their sense of self worth through their sexual market value and throughbeing accepted or “looking good” to society partnered rather than single. Men even compete with and have murdered other men throughout history over competition for women.
Thanks.
Samuel2112: sounds to me like you’ve got issues. Or maybe you’re the only one in the world without issues, who knows. Men complain that they’re lonely because… Well because they’re lonely. Whether they are completely comfortable with making their own meals or not, is nothing to do with it. From what I’ve seen its the same with women. What is finding your own identity mean anyway? I have no idea what that is, or why I should care for it. I’ve been single for quite a while now, and there is missing identity to find, just loneliness. If its different for you, that’s great for you, but don’t assume everyone is like you. BTW I don’t need a woman to cook me meals. In fact, it would probably ruin my diet. And I think it would be cool to have a “trophy wife”. Came close a few times. Probably would make me feel good, but not enough to be some primary motivator. Show me a man or woman who doesn’t feel anything at all about having a nice car, house, partner or whatever. Perhaps you are a monk or something living totally on some spiritual plane?
Thank you for the links and for your opinion. It is always good to be open minded. However, I was not meaning to say that men should blame women as a source of their problems. I understand a lot of MRA’s write stuff on the internet blaming women for their problems.
However, Feminism is not to blame nor are women for mens problems
In fact Feminism in theory can help men reevaluate their gender roles and help men grow as human beings. Feminism and Women are not the enemy or to blame in any way.
What I mean is men have to look at themselves in the mirror. A lot of men do not even know who they are as men. I suggest you read “Iron John” by Robert Bly and “Fire in the Belly” by Sam Keen. This was all about men getting together in groups with other men to explore their masculinity and share feeling with other men. I have been on these weekends. I have seen men break down and cry in front of other men and admit they could not cry in fron of a woman given they may be seen as “weak”.
What Bly and Keen wrote is all about men taking a look within, growing spiritually, connecting with their emotions, connecting with other men emotionally. “Iron John” was a powerful book.
On one mens weekend I went to, A lot of men shared that their whole lives they were looking for a “princess charming” “savior” to save them, to “mother and nurture them.”
Men need to look within, to nurture ourselves. Single men need to learn how to cook, clean, take care of a home instead of finding a woman to take care of them. I was raised in a tradional home where I was never taught home economics. When I got older it caused problems early in my single years. I had to learn myself.
Sam Keen was just saying that men need to just look within and realize no woman is going to “save” them. Nowadays with more men single/divorced, men need to learn how to take care of themselves emotionally, take care of the apartment, etc instead of relying on a woman. A man or a woman who is at peace living alone or happy being single is much more apt to be a better partner.
No women are not the problem-its men. So much of our culture, advertising, songs, almost make it seem abnormal if your not married or in a relationship. Men cannot rely on a woman to take care of them or help them express their feelings when men need to do this themselves. I suggest ( I realize you are busy and have a lot of tasks with teaching) but I would read “Fire in The Belly” or “Iron John, these are great books that sum up what I am trying to convey. The authors of these books do not blame women at all-they encourage men to learn how to become at peace with themselves without a woman- and the they are that much healthier if they choose to marry or be in a relationship. In fact some men on the weekends I went with were married for many years and were too scared to cry or show feelings to their wives but they used the weekends to help them realize their is no shame in showing weakness in front of a man or a woman.
Thanks for the clarification. Sounds like men and women have some of the same issues. Everything you said fits the experience of many women, too.
Great post again. I love your blog. Yes it is amazing as you wrote that men and women with so much contradictory ways of thinking are thrown together. I have often believed that the who male female relationship is sort of a game inasmuch as men and women are so different. I mean you can make a case that “we are all one” as a lot of spiriually minded people claim. No matter if you are Black,White, Asian,European, African, Jewish, Muslim,Christian, Republican, Democrat,etc we are all one in the universe. However, with men and women we are different we are not one. I have heard that male and female brains are different. But men and women must heal together and dialogue to better understand each other.
In my opinion, the reason Porn and Romance novels are so popular could be escapism from the pain of daily life.
in this case is just a way to dull the anxiety we feel inside, to fill the permanent discontent, lack of meaning and lack of love of our lives. If you truly are in a healthy relationship there is no need for porn or romance novels as escapism.
Porn is destroying men these days. With so much internet 123 click access to porn, when men try to have sex with a woman many men are finding the have Erection Dysfunction inamuch as they have used up their semen and virility masturbating to porn. It is a big problem. The cannot “get it up” for a real woman. Check out this extraordinary article when you have time it would be a good topic here as well.
http://nymag.com/news/features/70976/
I cannot speak much about the effect of romance novels on women inamuch as I am a man but pornography is destroying men both married and single.
I think men and women need to redefine our gender roles. So many men are inculcated in our culture by what women want.
As long as men continue to define themselves in terms of women: what women consider good or bad behavior, what women want, what women need, what women desire… women will continue to find them completely unappealing.
Men need to take a look at ourselves and introspect and learn how to be at peace with ourselves. Then they can share their wholeness in a healthy loving monogamous relationship with a woman.
There is a great book on manhood called “Fire in The Belly” by Sam Keen.
Sam Keen’s book shed much light on the problem with the simple observation that men suffer, and are in these dire straits, because they have not freed themselves from their psychological and emotional bondage to women; they can never define themselves as separate beings so long as they “invest so much of their identity” in women. I am grateful to Keen for providing me this profound understanding and the experience of feeling true empathy as a man. Just the same, as long as men choose to remain bonded in these ways to women.
This is my take fwiw as a man. I surmise you can make the same case for women being defined by men.
As long as men continue to define themselves in terms of women: what women consider good or bad behavior, what women want, what women need, what women desire… women will continue to find them completely unappealing.
The problem with chivalry is that it, once again, defines men by women.
That’s fine if you want to be perceived as neuter by every woman around you because, by definition, manhood cannot be defined by women. Once you do, you engage in a psychological castration that women recognize on a subconscious level.
I’m glad you like my blog.
I agree that women and men are not the same, in part due to biology but largely due to socialization. Our experiences even affect our biology. There is a nature-nurture dance.
For instance, African-American women are more assertive than women of other races in the United States. That’s not because they are naturally that way but they are less inclined to believe that a man will support them and so they learn to become very strong and assertive. Or, first-generation Asian women are very submissive. The second generation becomes as assertive as white women. Even the notion, popular in evolutionary psychology, that men are naturally polygamous and women naturally monogamous varies from culture to culture. It doesn’t seem to be in our genes. When Europeans first came to the Americas they were surprised at how different things were here. Women and men had equality. In egalitarian cultures you tend not to find rape and wife battering, which really surprised the Europeans. But also, women and men both greatly enjoyed sex and were both quite promiscuous. After European patriarchal culture took over, everything turned on its head.
As it is, women and men in US culture are more different from each other than they are in many tribal societies. And so then you have the challenge of working together and learning from each other. I’m often curious about how people work that out.
I am aware of the negative effects that pornography can have on men and I’ve written about it, but thank you for your input, too. Maybe you’ve already read some of these on my blog:
Porn Can Cause E.D.?
Men Finding Fewer Women “Porn-Worthy”
Real Women Competing With Porn Stars
Men, Women & Internet Porn
Porn Fantasy Mistaken for Reality
Does Sexual Objectification Lead to Bad Sex?
Now, your notion that women find men unappealing when they are concerned with women’s wants, needs and desires is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t fit with my experience at all. I love men who are sensitive to, and open to my needs and desires. I would think that men and women working to please each other would create great relationships. That has always been my experience.
I have always broken up with men who don’t care about my needs and desires. I have no idea who would find appealing!!!!!
I’m aware that men’s rights activists often feel that women are the source of their problems. Men’s problems arise from men trying to be defined by women, they say. I suggest you read this blog post, which at some point I will discuss on my own blog. But I want to write several posts first leading up to it.
http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-03-10/guy-talk-how-mens-rights-activists-get-feminism-wrong/
I think people tend to oversimplify men and women by assuming men always want just the physical act of sex and women want romance and don’t desire sex all that much. Sometimes this is true however it’s equally true that sometimes men want romance and women just want to get down and dirty without any complications.
I doubt our society will ever reach this realization in my lifetime though. From birth, boys and girls are taught that certain behaviors are right and wrong depending on their gender. For example boys are taught showing weakness by crying is wrong and promiscuity is right. Girls are taught to be sensitive but being sexual is wrong. Boys and girls are taught to ostracize members of their peer group (other boys for boys and other girls for girls) who display unwanted traits. As a result, many boys and girls often behave in the way that’s expected because they desire to be wanted and to fit in with their peers.
In my opinion, a lot of the behavior people display is a result of the desire to be wanted and to fit in with the other members of their gender.
I agree with you 100%.
In fact, my main area of interest is the social construction of gender, which I have written about extensively. Check out these posts, for example:
Baby Named “Storm.” Sex Unknown
It’s Ok To Be A Tomboy But Not A Sissy. Why?
Yale Frat Chants “No Means Yes.” Men? Or Scaredy Cats?
Frats Invite Sluts, Bitches; Women Accept Degradation. Why?
“Mankind”: Placing Men Foremost in our Minds
Gender-Swapping Grammar Lessons
My titles may be misleading because they oversimplify—bloggers need something short and sweet to get people’s attention. It’s like Thomas Friedman’s book title, “The World Is Flat.” Of course he didn’t mean it literally or 100% — but it gets your attention.
In re-reading the post I saw that I left out this point: one out of 10 men are into romance while one out of 10 women check out porn clips. So I added that in.
That said, most people have had the experience of what’s most common and find it curious. I’m addressing that in this post.
The socialization of men to see women as sex objects certainly plays a huge role in their heavy porn preference. Women don’t objectify men so much and their sexuality is more repressed – both due to socialization – and this will get women more interested in romance. I do discuss these socializing factors, among others, in the post.
If I just read that right, you’re saying that if only there wasn’t socialization, women would be objectifying men, just like men do to women.
I’m saying the opposite. If men’s butts were constantly honed in on. And if there were something on a male that was selectively hidden and revealed, while people discussed it as if it were very sexual, then men would become objectified.
I just would like to add: because of this “assexualization” of women who belong to certain calses( white,from middle class,etc),vulnerable women are exploited in prostitution and porno,( even children) to keep this cruel myth alive.The story is darker then we imagine…specially when you are a non-white(latina) women from Third World like me: we are scantally reduced to sexual objects.Porno is not “harmfull fun”,it´s a desgrace for all women who is not in the “lady-like” padron.The discussion should be taken in this way,i can see we are always forgoten..besides,we can´t forget that many porno have rapes,children abuse,animal abuse,women get kiled,all sort of insane violence.Can a man who like this have a healthful vison of women? I don´t think so…
To finalize,many women like to see erotic material,you can find if even in romantic book,where sex is discribed in ways to excite women.No difference between the sexs,the problem is the kind of material is offered to men and the women abused during the making off.
It’s true that men get all confused between sex and relationship, like someone colour blind who knows intellectually there is a difference, but gets confused about it in their mind. I’ve seen it in myself, and I’ve read about it books. However, this is not a problem for women if they use it to their advantage. It means they can hold onto their man by giving him sex. They don’t have to worry about if they are fulfilling his intellect or doing the dishes, or making him cups if coffee or whatever, because if they do that one thing, men will be feeling the relationship is basically right, no matter what else is wrong. Men would wish there was one simple thing we could do the other way around!
Just saying there’s a difference that helps to explain a lot.
Either way you look at it whether a women wants random meaningless sex with whoever she is going to want to have an emotional connection with someone that is important to them as well, I also think both men and women experience sex differently at different times in their lives just women get the consequences that men do not receive. eventually everyone wants the connection
Men and women have different expectations, and the life styles and standards they pursuit are different. Women want to be romanced all the time, and they expect romantic lives, so many women like to read romance. What men are thinking is simpler than women. They like the simple relationships and lives, and they keep the same views and points toward sex life, so there are many men who like to watch porn to satisfy their desire. In society, men usually play leader roles and most women have to follow. Women’s lower status and the position they define themselves make them more conscious with the people and things around them. Women are more sensitive and attentive than men, so this makes them choose different things and styles, and view things on a different level.
I agree that men tend to be more sex-oriented than women because being a woman I also tend to look for romance. I try to understand my boyfriend and I forget that men are not easy to understand or I try to make them open up, and that is probably why men express themselves through sex because men put a lot of thinking into sex, unless drunk. I also feel that women are more romantic is because of what we are taught through those Disney princess stories and what our mothers tell us: find a boy/man who loves you more than you love him and who will do anything for you. I just wish it was the other way around where men have to worry about being loved.
I like this article because it does show what happens in my life. I agree that women’s idea about romance is more complex and emotional. I think an important reason is that the society pushes women to rely on men. Although women nowadays are mostly encouraged to be independent, they are still taught how important men are for them. This leads women to think a lot when choosing the other half. Women are more likely to feel unsafe than men in a relationship because they are afraid to “be broken up”. Men, on the other hand, are more independent. They usually do not worry a lot about losing a relationship, because life would not change a lot without a woman, and they can be a playboy without being teased. They can just pay attention to their joy.
I agree with many of the things that this blog has pointed out. As a woman, throughout my life I have not only observed, but have been taught that girls should be cautious when it comes to sex and relationships. I have been told by my parents and society that it is not okay to be promiscuous because it would make finding a stable and long lasting relationship harder in the future. This is why women repress their sexual desires because they are not seen as “lady like” and attract the right type of man. Instead women think of other factors that produce a long lasting relationship, such as emotional and financial support. Men are taught that it is their responsibility to be successful and not be emotionally dependent on anyone else, so they only see women as a source of sex.
okk Its was really nice having a conversation with u…
i too really hope to meet someone soon..
Hey may i ask who r u.. r u a guy or a girl..
I’m female
Y dont v come across such nice guys… ohh y is it (opposite attracts..) y cant 2 ppl who think d same attracts….
HELLO any guy who thinks d same please get in touch.. i dnt knw even a single guy who thinks d same.. 😀 😛 😦
Actually, I know a few. I hope you will meet some.
i really think that why a man cant live without porn.. dnt women have feelings; cant they do the same…. b in a relationship and keep watching porn and keep doing M..wont d guy feel bad that what sort of feeling his girlfriend/wife should feel with him/watching him etc she is feeling it by watching someone else..
does it really happen that a guy watches porn and starts thinking abt his gf/wife and start doing M.. d female that he saw in d porn she wont appear in his mind even once..or just the face of his wife/gf appears but rest of d body is of d female in porn..
cant men understand that when he is in a relationship his gf/wife wants him 2 completely be hers.. what ever he feels should be derived by her… she should be d only women he can look, stare, dream of.. she is the only women he can see without cloths..
wont a man feel bad if his wife/gf stares at naked men??
It is very obvious whether its a man or a woman if they look at any picture, movie or even live of a naked man/women they feel something beneath there stomach (kind of turn on) or d feeling of sperm coming out or some kind of nice feeling.. so why dont d man understands that even that tiny feeling is what his wife/gf wants 2 be hers.. she wants her man to completely be hers as she is..
What i think is it a normal thinking or am i a stupid to think this way kindly anyone TELL ME!!
I think the way you feel is pretty common. Makes you wonder why women and men would be put together. Now explain THAT to me. I will think about that more, too.
no i dont wonder y men and women have been put 2gether.. but yes i really think that are there men on this beautiful earth who think like us and are (Straight).. Do men also think d same and also feel bad if there gf/wife do d same as other boys. 🙂
Yes, there are men who feel the same as women. A lot of them do.
Yes, woman are more romantic than men but certainly there are men who are romantic as well. And no, not
because they have to be to get a woman; only that they really are romantic. I believe the issue with why men would watch more porn than woman is becuase women OFFER IT FOR FREE. When women provide it for free it is tempting for men to look. They claim its free, why not. However, I know men who can care less about porn and infact they think it is disgusting. They believe sex it something that should be shared between two people and that includes NOT looking at other naked women or others having sex.One last thing, its not so much that women grow up with “romantic” ideas…. for some, it is the value learned about the relatinship between a man and a woman that is respected.
Wow. This is so funny. I can relate to the curiosity, the questioning and analyzing of the situation. On average I think women definetely are more romantic than men. But not by nature, despite what Ogas said about the female cortex etc.. I believe it has more to do with how we as women and men have been socialized over so many years. Like Delila commented, our sexuality has been repressed and we were not allowed to really feel what we were feeling. Also men’s sex drive is much higher than men. Women want somebody who is going to stick around and not just a pretty face.
When it comes to sexual stimulation men and women react in different ways. Many men confirm that visual and phsyical stimulation tends to promote more sexual activity, compare to women’s preference for mental stimulation. The reason for this can be contributed to the geder roles forced upon each sex. For example, men are seen to be phsyically agressive and visually manly with their sexual impulses somewhat demonstrated, where as women are expected to be sexually submissive and disinterested. In many cases women are just as interested if not more in sex as men, therefore a way to satisfy their sexual needs came in the form of romance novels.
However, when women view porn they tend to experience less stimulation than their male counterparts, likewise, men who read romance novels tend to experience little to no stimulation. Therefore confirming the notion that each gender have sex for different reasons, for instance, that men are naturally more stimulated by the visual and phsyical aspects, leading one to assume that sex for them is more about phsyical pleasure. Where as women are stimulated by the mental aspect, leading one to assume that sex for them is more about mental pleasure, this may related to most women’s desire to establish a connection before engaging in any sexual activity.
It’s funny, this blog post really made me realize that this is true. Although it is ignorant to generalize ALL men and ALL women, the majority of both are categorized to needing and wanting one thing. The stereotype of fulfilling this want and need is common and somewhat correct too, boys watch porn to fulfill their wants and girls seek romance in media to fulfill their needs. The difference between a want and a need is simple: a want is something that you can live without but you prefer to have in your life and a need is something that you can’t live without — at all. I use these very differently. Boys do not NEED porn to fulfill their desire, nor do they need any type of visual to fulfill their want. Even though sexuality and sex is a need in life, some people live without it. However, a companion (even though most live without one) is something that one eventually needs to grow with. I use companion widely, as friend or husband, or boyfriend, etc. Women grow up with Disney Princess movies, like you mentioned, and are somewhat brainwashed into thinking that prince charming will ride up in his white horse and kiss you out of your coma, or that a down to earth, handsome man will take you on a magic carpet ride around the world. Reality is, men do want more than just ONE thing, it just takes time for them to realize that in the end — we all want and NEED the same thing.
Reading through this blog posting, I couldn’t help agreeing with every point this author made when discussing the differences between the way men and women view sexuality. Men have always been seen as very open with their sexual endeavors, as if women are something to be possessed and are basically seen as sex objects. This unfortunately is not just due to the personalities of men but of what our culture has done to its people. American society has focused their advertisement, television shows, and films are the idea that women are seen as sex objects. It is through these daily things we see everywhere that make men believe that women are sex objects and nothing more.
I personally believe that the reason why women and men are so different in their expectations of relationships is because of the culture. Women have been taught and instructed that they must have a man that they can rely upon financially and someone who will be their partner in raising their children. When women look into a possible relationship, they factor in their entire future and the stability of it. On-the-other hand, men don’t even stop to ask themselves this.
It is funny that this is even depicted in the difference between men’s and women’s erotica. Because women are constantly wanting a deep relationship that they are able to feel stable in with answers to their questions, is seen in the sappy romance novels that many women engage in. The steamy sex scenes in these books can be seen as women’s erotica. Men on the other hand don’t look for these answers and a lot of the time see relationships as sex. Because of that they are satisfied with “skin erotica”.
Ultimately this is effected by societies ideas of relationship wants and needs for men and women. Sometimes I question myself though why women are constantly searching for this attachment. It can’t just be what society has told us that we need. I feel like a lot of the time I am looking for a connection and men aren’t and how has that been embedded on us from society?
It could also be that wanting connection is very human for both women and men but that men can become discouraged from it in a variety of ways. I’ll discuss more later.
I totally understand and agree with this blog. A common idea for people my age is that “guys think with their dicks”. Guys will hook up with random girls in college or high school, and it doesn’t have to mean anything other than fun and pleasure. Sometimes, if girls hook up with guys they will wonder what it means. Does he like me? Why did he pick me to hook up with? Are we in a relationship now? I’ve had problems with ex-boyfriends about how they don’t think it’s a big deal to watch porn and have hooked up with tons of different girls in the past, whereas I think that if you do something with a girl it should mean something and that hooking up doesn’t matter. I think guys like that need to realize that things shouldn’t be that easy. Life can be SO much better if you take the time to develop feelings for someone and have physical things mean something as opposed to getting a quick fix. Some guys will see women as objects, like for porn and for use if they want to have sex. I think sex and other physical stuff should be so special and that it should happen with people who really like each other. I understand why a lot of people don’t live like that, but I also understand why women like reading romance novels. It’s more exciting and interesting to lead up to something like that than to just have it be quick and over with.
Personally it shouldn’t matter that women watch porn and men read romance novels or vice versa. Both women and men have needs. We need to stop living in the past. If we do not change the way we think we are not going to get past the ignorant behavior that is still seen today. There are some guys who are into romance and committment but usually when they are ready for that. Some women are into sex no strings attached. Due to repression women were supposed to pleasure men but that is just ridiculous. They were not supposed to show that they felt pleasured when having sexual relations due to the fact that they might be seen as easy. So women’s self esteem would go down after having sexual intercourse.
I dont know if I agree with all of these studies that say women need character driven stories etc. to be aroused. Are they really being honest? Personally, I enjoy 2 minutes erotic clips with nudity involved. I enjoy watching women together and women with men together. It is exciting and in some ways forbidden. I wish my husband liked it, but strangely he does not. He asks me to turn it off. I remember too that Ann Rice wrote erotic novels under a different name and I couldn’t put the books down.
With regard to men having a higher sex drive, I don’t agree. I think women would enjoy having sex more if their husbands or significant others stuck with the making out and awesome foreplay before sex. I remember how excited I was to have sex with my husband in the beginning of our relationship. But once the kissing stopped and the sex only came when we went to bed, sure..BORING. But when I took control and initiated making out in the car, sex in the car etc…things got sexy again and I wanted sex all the time. I think men just give up and pretty much just want ‘to stick it in’ and we ladies are over that.
I agree that women and men are raised to act and believe this way which is why men watch porn and women read romance. Many women are sexually repressed because society still thinks it’s bad if a woman enjoys porn while society just expects men to watch porn because they’re men and they have “needs”. I think women who are more open with themselves truly enjoy porn and watch it as often as men. Also there are many men out there who find romance an important part of a relationship and don’t believe sex and a relationship are the same thing. I dont believe these behaviors are due too much to nature, society and culture have a huge effect on people and this seems to be something more related to how and where you grow up.
I always wondered why men are so involved and so into sex. I mean it’s not the end of the world or even close. I always wanted to know why guys aren’t in to romance as women are but it’s clear that men just don’t care about the gushy stuff. Women’s sex drive is typically lower in our culture (largely due to repression), perhaps leaving us wanting commitment more than experimentation, and seeking out men who feel the same and don’t just want sex. Men see women’s bodies as an object that are all about sex, with women’s body parts as sex-signals
Thanks for your comment. There are strong social patterns, but I should note that some men do like romance and some women are really into straight sex.
I can see why men are more probe to watch porn and women read novels. Men like the physical connection, we like to see and then fantasize about the women. On the other hand women like to read and built up the desire/passion of romance. Though men have two heads, majority of our adolescent and young adults years we only think we one. Its the physical pleasure of sex which we seek out. Women are different! Most want to be romance (wine & dine) swept off there feet because that is how its portray in society. Most women will tell you that they just want to feel special. In most case, when a man takes the time to romance a woman he is showing his love and attraction for her. Porn, for men and women are just ways of cyber-sex living out there fancy’s.
Let me preface my thoughts my saying that I am an avid romance reader. I did not find romance novels until I was about three years into an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. The man I was with thought that my role as his girlfriend was to always be open and prepared to have sex with him. I would say that our sex life was fairly normal for the first couple of months. When the initial glow ended and he began his mental war on me, I lost my sex drive almost entirely. Because sex was his primary reason for breathing, he began to make horrible sexual remarks to me. I wasn’t normal, I didn’t know what I was doing, I just had to relax, most women love to give blow jobs and so on. Even though I had always been fairly good at expressing myself, sex wasn’t an issue I had had to combat before. The longer we were together and the more abusive he became, the worse it got. Due to spending my grade school years only in private Christian schools where we had no sexual education whatsoever, I couldn’t understand why my sex drive had dropped off to almost nothing. I started believing my boyfriend that it was something wrong with me. When I went on to antidepressants my boyfriend really flipped out. He raged around the house, screaming that the drugs lower libido even more and that that was the last thing I needed.
During this time I met my best friend. She was always supportive of me and knew a bit more about how sex worked. She recommended a series of romance novels to me, and to my surprise, I felt my sex drive kick in. However, the second my boyfriend returned, it would quickly wither and die.
I think one of the reasons women need so much back information on the men they date is because they need that peace of mind and happiness to actually enjoy sex. Our sex drives are so strongly connected to our thoughts and emotions that we need so much more than men to be comfortable being intimate with them. Women are just as able as men to have one night stands where no information is needed, but when it comes to a relationship women have to feel that the man will treat them right before, after, and during sex. Women are more turned on emotionally and mentally than men who rely on their genitalia to get them through.
I think that women always think of the big picture or at least I know I always tend to do. I have rushed into several relationships that of course ended. At this point in my life as a single Mother I feel that I have developed this romance movie syndrome where I think that every man has true feelings just waiting to be released and he will come back and express his undying love for me. Huge mistake on my part! Not once has it happened and I am starting to think I need to have that vision surgically removed from my brain. I think that it is interesting how even though we are so different men and women are put together to try to make a connection and when there are two very different outlooks on sex it is hard to continue that connection. I think I would be more interested in a Man’s ambition and interest in being a part of his family than if he had a high sex drive.
as i read some of the comments above i agree that culture is everything. quick background: i was raised to treat women as goddesses, try your best to make them happy. i have this in mind but at the same time my sex drive high and i like sex. I treat my ex very well and tell her everything there is about me. we had great sexual relationship and we talked about everything. the problem is that when it comes to a relationship my social life has to change. I enjoy talking to women and i enjoy listening to them which is my most of my friends are women. i respect them and i can have enjoyable conversations with them. Even though sex is not the top of my list, being “too friendly” can ruin everything. I was open and devoted to my ex girlfriend yet still that wasn’t enough because i wouldn’t change my social life. I think its because of the generalization that all men want sex and women only want relationship, she took my social habits as chasing after other women! although they were only my friends.
I do agree with everything you posted above. From my point of view, in our culture it does seem that men have a higher sex drive than woman. This isn’t true in all cases, but in most yes. Women are focused on romance and love, wanting to find the right match in order to settle down with a family. Men are more interested in porn and sex, then eventually settling down with one women and family, maybe. This difference may cause troubles in a relationship if the only thing the man wants is sex. Although women do want men to open up, this may not always be possible because men were raised to never look weak, always be manly and don’t show any vulnerability. This is due to our society’s and culture’s view on how a man and woman should act.
It is true that women are always expecting for romance while men are often just focusing on sex. I think this phenomenon is due to many factors including the culture and society as well as the naturally different characteristics between women and men. Commonly women are more emotional but men always tend to be rational. They don’t think too much of the irrelecant things and they just want to reach their purpose directly. Also, men are more interested in sexual activity than the romance of love which often cause the conflicts between a couple. From my point of view, this is mainly caused by their natural characteristics. And the culture, is also a fact that affect and might foster it, but it is not the original cause. Anyway, there is no right or wong on this matter.
Well, I suspect it’s socialized because you don’t find this pattern everywhere, and you should if it were biologically based. On emotions, men are taught to hold theirs in. Don’t look vulnerable. May have come from tribal societies and the male warrior role. Need to be a bit hard-hearted to kill as the warrior. But some men buck the trend. And the degree to which you find it varies by culture.
To some extent, I do agree that men have a greater sex drive in comparing with women. If men are the ones to spread the seeds, then men needs to be more active in doing so. Between merely two sexes, one must be having more sex drive than the others. However, to speak upon whether men see women as sex object, I believe it has to do with culture. In America, due to the overwhelming advertisements that focus on women as sex object, children are raised in such an environment, it is not surprising to see men acting this way. On the other hand, from where I came from, Hong Kong, most boys are competing each other not with how many girlfriends they had or how many girls have they slept with, but how well they are treating their girlfriend, how long the last relationship was, etc. Men in Hong Kong are fighting to be a better man for his wife or girlfriend. In some cases, guys feel shameful for having more than four girlfriends.
I agree that objectifying women is learned. See: Men Aren’t Hard Wired To Find Breasts Attractive https://broadblogs.com/2010/11/04/men-aren%e2%80%99t-hard-wired-to-find-breasts-attractive/
This definitely reminded me of the saying, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” I have often written about this subject because it is true, in my perspective, men and women are seriously from completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Just in my own interactions with men, it is easy to see just how simply and literally they, often times, think and how I tend to complicate matters or making it way more complex then it really needs to be. For example, something as simple as choosing a place to eat at is simple for men and they do not have to consider calories, fat grams, etc. A woman, however, considers all of these different aspects and complicates something as simple as where to eat a meal by over-thinking it and, in a way, ruining the experience of simply going out to grab a bite to eat.
They certainly live in different cultures.
…hopefully you realize that part of the reason men and women SEEM to be on opposite ends of the spectrum is due to culture magnifying originally small sex differences, right?
I mean, your example is a great example of what I mean. The reason women are so concerned with that stuff is because society disproportionately focuses more on women’s appearance than mens.
It had never occurred to me that women’s preference over erotic novels could be attributed to evolutionary psychology’s theory on gender differences when it comes to mate selection. Now it makes perfect sense. As Ms. Platts and Ogi Ogas have pointed out, women are very choosey when it comes to picking partners. We look for someone that represents our ideal man — a hero that could provide us with our happily ever after, aka, a secure and successful future. When we fantasize, we want to think of someone who idealizes that. And who better serves as a subject to our fantasies than characters like Legolas from LOTR or Hugh Jackman (minus the funky Wolverine haircut)?
However I think that Antoinette makes a really good point that maybe men wouldn’t be caught reading romance novels because of the potential risk at being labeled as too feminine or even gay in our culture. I wonder if there are any studies that have been done to evaluate differences between both heterosexuals and homosexuals when it comes to viewing pornography. It could be that males in general are simply more visual than females are and that even gay men would prefer viewing pornography just because they find it more stimulating… Just a thinking aloud!
Well, men are taught to be more visual. Men in our culture get aroused by breasts, while men in cultures where breasts aren’t covered don’t. And oddly, women learn to see breasts as sexy, too. See “Men Aren’t Hard Wired To Find Breasts Attractive.” https://broadblogs.com/2010/11/04/men-aren%e2%80%99t-hard-wired-to-find-breasts-attractive/
That said, men’s bodies give much better feedback on what’s arousing, which would help w/the visual thing. Women can be shown all sorts of pictures which arouse them (as measured by blood flow to vagina) but they don’t seem to feel aroused in the way men are. See: “Women Learn the Breast Fetish, Too” https://broadblogs.com/2010/11/29/women-learn-the-breast-fetish-too/
I agree that today’s general consensus is that women only have sex for reproduction when men are allowed to have it for pure pleasure. Ideas starting in early stages of someone’s sex life such as if he sleeps around he is a stud, if she sleeps are she’s a slut. The earlier they star the much more the ideas are embedded and seen as an okay thought process. To me I feel some women do have a high sexual appetite and some do not, the same goes for men. And when a relationship starts between two people who have a high sex life, it has to be discussed as early as possible before a relationship starts are false pretenses.
I too believe that our culture has a lot to do with why men watch porn and women read romance. Movies, television shows, and advertisements are a big role in why this is. The way I see things, men are naturally open with their sexual activity because our culture has suggested women to be an object or possession rather than simply a person. So for a man it isn’t such a big deal to go around and say, “yah, i had sex with her, her, her and her”, because that wouldn’t exactly be looked down upon as it would if a female were to openly say the same. I think that women are more hesitant to do so because it isn’t normal for a woman to be open with her sexual activity and it would most likely be viewed as being “dirty” or “slutty”. Because of this, I think that women are into romance because it is deeper than just sex. It involves emotions and drama and sex, similar to everyday relationships, so they can relate to it and talk about it openly without being judged.
It is true, you don’t see many men reading the new hot romance novel nor do you see many women watching explicit porn; it has a lot to do with women being more romantic, but it also has a lot to do with the environment in which we live. Men can’t be seen reading a romance novel for they will be seen as gay by there friends, while women can read them freely but if women watch porn they are seen as easy. This topic is just as controversial as the colors in which a person can wear, or whether a person has long hair or short. Comparing men to an on/off switch and women to a complex circuit board was quite concrete some men only have an on/off switch when it comes to being sexual and women like to know the information behind the relationship and that it is going somewhere in the future. Now you ask why women and men have been thrown together if we have so many contradictory ways of thinking and being, and I believe it is because for every woman there is a man and they compliment each other the man brings out the romance in the woman and the woman calms down the man and makes him realize there is more to a relationship than sex, pretty soon after that its hard to live without it.
Peronally, I beleive point of view and this standpoint is all based on culture and context. Women being strategic about assessing potential men, is based on what our culture has conditioned them to be. Because men in our society tend to be more domiant, and straightforward, women therefore are more, hesitant and view things on a different level. Thinking patterns of women are conditioned from those happily ever after, finding the perfect prince charming, and riding off into the distance. While men, tend to be frank and want to recreate one of their favorite porn videos. Of course this is a very blunt example, it is true on this plain context. Why do men watch porn and women read romance novels? Well I beleive its because what fits into the category of feminine, and masculine. Obviously reading a sexy love story about two lovers that finally met after years and years appart, is not something masculine to do. Our society molded these categories and actions like this, are due to it.
Meh. I would have to say as a man, I read romance novels as much as I read Sci-fi and Fantasy. (Which is a lot.) I believe that most of the perception of men especially on female driven websites are based on stereotypes. Romance novels put as much unrealistic pressures on men as Porn places on women. We can’t all fall back on the society made me this way garbage.
I’m a man but that doesn’t define who I am more than being a women defines EVERY woman.
Stop using stereotypes to define us. Not everyone of you are a bubble headed, latte sipping, Butch women with a chip on your shoulder.
Not everyone of us is a ham-fisted coward that thinks women are objects to be oogled, and barefoot naked in the kitchen.
I personally find the thought appalling that so many female positive sites portray men in such a negative light.
Actually, if you read carefully, you’ll see that the post is reporting research, not my personal experience. (Though once I saw that the research fit my experience, and that of many men I’ve known, I could relate!)
Research performed by, and analyzed by, a man, I might add.
Also, neither the research nor I said that all men were one way and women the other. Rather, looking at internet searches, 9/10 porn clips were viewed by men (vs 1/10 by women) while the reverse was true with romance.
Reasons may be part biology and part culture. 2ce as much of the male brain is devoted to sex, for instance.
Culturally, women are portrayed as sex objects and men aren’t. So men have more to get excited about, visually. Also, women’s sexuality is more repressed, making them harder to excite and more likely to become attuned to other aspects of a man.
Also, because stereotypes are seen as prescriptions, they tend to create social patterns. Easily understood example: “Boys don’t cry.” That stereotype causes parents to dissuade boys from crying and teaches boys and men to bottle up their emotions. Not all males do this, but the stereotype has created a real social pattern that is learned and could be unlearned.