Dear Daughter, Have Lots of Great Sex

tumblr_lhpj4ofBpn1qbhh33o1_500[1]Maybe you’ve seen this “rule for dating my daughter”:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”

That guideline, along with nine others, went viral a while back.

Sounds par for the course, as they say. That’s part of the problem.

In other times and places dads may literally kill someone when their kids have sex – usually their own daughters. In these honor killings honor lies in hateful murder, not in loving (or at least fun-loving) sex.

On the other hand how does this sentiment strike you?

Dear daughter, I hope you have some awesome sex.

That’s something a father wrote on his blog to his daughter. May shock a lot of folks. And that’s too bad, because whatever lies behind the shock leads to an awful lot of dysfunction.

Women typically have lower interest and enjoyment in sex than men. And 43% say they’ve experienced sexual dysfunction. I’ve spent years working to overcome my own issues.

So I really appreciate this dad’s sentiments. So do a lot of others. Ferrett’s Blog’s “Dear Daughter” post went viral.

Here’s his fatherly advice:

Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play. 

Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.

Hopefully these words will bring more women to celebrate and enjoy sexual pleasure. And of course, women and men should both use their sexual power and pleasure wisely.

For more go to Ferrett’s Blog or check out the repost at The Good Men Project.

Related Posts on BroadBlogs
1/10 of Women Depressed After Sex
Do Women Like Sex Less Than Men?

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on November 4, 2013, in feminism, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 37 Comments.

  1. I think it is rare to hear something like this in real life because of the double standards that society has created for women: It is ok for men to have sex with many women but if women do it they are whores. So what most parents are trying to do is to get their daughters to not to be interested in sex, or at least be very conservative and in some cases they even prohibit to talk about it (sex). As a result this is the reason why most abortions or sexually transmitted diseases happen- due to the lack of sexual education and conversation between parents and children. While parents may feel they have their daughters best interest at heart, to not get hurt emotionally, they are also limiting her pleasure in life, and contributing to the societal stigma placed on women and their sexual experiences.

    • Yes. I know from personal experience. Both parents and society. A lot of women know they’ll be blamed if they don’t properly limit men, and repress their sexual desire as a result.

      I also feel that women and men should both use their sexual power and pleasure wisely.

  2. I’ve had male friends tell me I’d never get a man if I didn’t lower my standards, same dudes who smirked about a mutual female acquaintance behind her back in a slut-shaming kind of way. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I don’t seem to have those friends anymore, though.

    I told a more evolved male correspondent friend about this business of being told one was too picky, and his properly outraged response was “you can be as picky as you want, or as unpicky as you want.”

    Sex policing of any kind is rarely about the person being policed, there is always some kind of hidden agenda involved. I don’t understand enjoying meaningless sex, but if a woman does and she’s not being coerced or acting out abuse, it should be no one’s business but her own. That said, there are many subtle ways the culture coerces people.

  3. I’m sorry but that sounds creepy. I know he wants well for his daughter, and he elaborated about it. But I have a niece and I’m sure she’s going to grow up and be an adult one day and will have sex and so on. But it’s not something my mind wants to register, anything about sex or great sex. I’m certainly not going to write it or say it for sure, because it’s family. And there are what does he mean by lots of great sex? By a few guys and many times of sex with those guys or as in being promiscuous and her having a lot of great sex with various guys, casually? While its not good for a father to expect his daugher or go by strict standards that she shouldnt see guys, etc. I don’t know about you, while it’s nice for the father to be with the times and trying to be liberal, but forget the “slut” standard of men and women. I would be protective as a father as guys can be punks or some and woudn’t want her to be hurt or feel used. So that;s one reason I might not encourage that and also, the fact is health and safety reasons. I just don’t think it’s wise for a father to say “hey go bang some dudes and have great sex”. The reason is while people feel condoms make them invincibe, it doesn’t. They help a lot, but women have risks, even more than men from being promiscuous. Condoms can break, yes, birth control pills are used, but not all women take them and there can be side effects. my ex didn’t like using them because she gainedweight when on it. Idk the details as a guy. But also even that, there are STds like herpes. A woman can still get herpes even when the guy she’s with wears a condom. And also, HPV, a bunch of people have or have had it, as condoms don’t prevent that. A lot of people it doesn’t effect, but I think HpV can effect or more serious for women than men, and some women have or can get cervical cancer related to the HPV virus. So I wou;dn’t be encouraging “lots of great sex” unlesss it was in the context of relationships and good guys, etc and she’s careful with such guys. Plus it’s something that feels weird even thinking or saying.

    • Well, parents need to talk to their kids about sex, and the discomfort comes out of a sex-negative culture, which can be devastating to women’s sexuality. I have personal experience with this. And so do the other 43% of women who’ve experienced sexual dysfunction.

      On your other comment, that’s why I add that we should be wise in how we express our sexual pleasure and power.

  4. I find it weird that daughers are killed for having sex with guys, by their dads. If anything I would think its the boy who banged his daugher that would be killed or hurt, not the daugher. I mean, usually I see dads being protective or their daughters and would hurt a boy who bangs their teenage daugher and breaks her heart or is a d bag. Many dads would kick the dudes ass if he ever made foot at the house again.

  5. I personally really like this man’s style. I like the style of the letter. I admire his confidence. I am fascinated by the directness and the candidness of the verbage. I see this letter coming from a person with confidence, maturity, and honesty. I completely agree with the way he worded the letter. I would want to represent in this manner. I believe this is a healthy attitude. Modern in it’s approach, respectful and sensitive in nature. I like speaking to my children this way. I understand this as he is being real about his view on the subject. He is being tolerant and open minded at addressing his daughter. He holds on to his respect by setting boundaries and explaining grey areas that would otherwise arouse curiosity. And by his short but sweet and direct to the point -ness he conveys a message with good information and without old wives tales or ignorant bias’ curbing his advise or opinion. Bravo to this stellar dad. Because in this day and age there are so many stereotypes, he managed to stay up to the times and within societies boundaries.

  6. To be honest I am kind of on the border line whether I like this idea of a FATHER even allowing his daughter to have sex in the first place. I am probably just less at ease because I could never be in that situation like that. The idea of my father even bringing that up creeps me out big time. I know we women are trying to be more equal with men and that sons should not get all the glory. But I guess I am not use to it. In my family the boys are allowed to do whatever they want as long as they respect the women but it is a complete story when it comes to women doing whatever they want. But in other words I really respect this mans statement. It takes a lot to even think of this, in his mind he is being open to allow but give his daughter the freedom to choose what she wants. It is just so hard for me to believe. Really is this blog true. Maybe it is true the fact we are in so much shock that it is bad on our part.

  7. When my son was 17 I came across a packaged condom in his room (and no, I was not snooping around.) After a bit of freak out I realized it was time for ‘the conversation’. I told him to always be respectful of his partner, make sure she was satisfied and most importantly to make sure she was aware of her actions and fully on board. My son has since told me that the conversation made him much more aware of his actions and who he chooses to spend intimate time with, and yes, he assures me, all three criteria are met. Our children are sexual beings and will experiment. If we are open with them and they know they can trust us we can help guide them toward sexually appropriate behavior. Most of these delicate conversations are left to the mom. Hooray for this dad.

  8. The fact that anyone finds this dad’s sentiments “creepy” or weird just goes to show how unequal sexuality is between the genders. If a dad said this to his son, it would seem normal because guys are supposed to enjoy sex and have multiple partners throughout their lives. However, women are told the opposite. Women are shamed for having sex outside of marriage and are called sluts if they enjoy it. This dad wants his daughter to be happy enjoy a sexual life, just like he does. He is breaking down the barriers for what is conventional with regards to sex and women and in my opinion, it’s about time that someone does.

  9. I hate the reality of that… can I call it a comic? It’s not really that funny. Growing up, my dad warned me away from boys. It was all “I was their age once. I know what they want” and “Boys only want one thing” Oh oh! My all-time favorite: “If you ever got pregnant, your mom and I would probably get divorced” He only said that last one once, but it stuck with me. Geee, thanks for terrifying me with fear so that it was extremely difficult for me to have a meaningful relationship, dad.

    When my younger brother was in high school, he was quick to love. He fell hard. My dad’s reaction to that was. “have fun while you’re young” and “see what’s out there; you’re too young to settle.”

    Double standard much?

    Luckily, I moved out of that house as fast as humanly possible. College helped restore my faith in men and solidified something for me. My body is not my father’s, my future husband’s or anyone else’s. This is my body and I should embrace it.

    I’ll leave with this. I saw a commercial for a documentary called “How to lose your virginity” where someone talked about their first sexual experience the night of their wedding. She said you spend your whole life thinking that sex is a wrong, dirty and unbecoming thing. It’s something that ruins you for other people. A ring and a ceremony don’t erase those feelings. They don’t go away overnight.

    (p.s. my parents were otherwise very loving. They only did what they thought was right and are reasonably great people)

    • Thanks for sharing.

      re “you spend your whole life thinking that sex is a wrong, dirty and unbecoming thing. It’s something that ruins you for other people. A ring and a ceremony don’t erase those feelings. They don’t go away overnight.”

      That’s what happened with me. I’ve had to do a lot of work to deal with it.

  10. It’s not a slut thing Marina: It’s societies view of men. It’s more so men talking about sex can feel or be seen differently when it’s toward a female vs a man talking to another boy or man or woman to a boy or man. Fathers are protective of their daughers and unfortunately though there are some fathers who molest their daughters and children. It just sounds creepy for a man, father to say get banged by a bunch of guys and have great sex to his daugher and reference his daugher havign sex. A less creepy way is, have fun, but be smart and safe and smart with the guys she chooses to be with. Don’t blame us, blame the culture, which a man being flirty with a woman can be charged with sexual harassment or seen as a perve. A woman doing the same thing, not charged with sexual harassment or a man less likely to do so. A male teacher has sex with a minor, he’s a complete creep and deserves prison time, a female teacher with a male underage student, she’s not that creepy or not like the male teacher, and he isn;t violated. Male care takers are looked more cautiously or male baby sitters or day care or elementary teachers etc, are looked at closer around kids or girls compared to women and boys and kids. How about ackward guys approaching women at a bar or approaching a woman who doesn’t want to be approached. That man? “creep”. Society views partially because or what happens and how women are more easier than men to be creeped out or feel violated, from something strong or not even strong at all. So don’t play society as far as the slut thing goes, blame society for how it views women as easy to feel violated or creeped out by sexual discussions and how men are viewed regarding sex. Therefore, a woman or mom talking to her son about having lots of great sex, uncomfortable but not as likely to be seen as creepy compared to the father saying that to his teenage daughter. Double standards go both ways. The double standard that can slut shame, can also shame men too. Women aren’t seen as pigs or predators right? Women are sugar and spice and everything nice right? While men are neanderthals right?

  11. It’s creepy or more likely to, because of the double standards towards men. Not slut shaming, society sees men as too aggressive and women easily or easier creeped out, so a father, not being a pervert and meaning well; telling his daughter to have lots of great sex. It’s easier to see that as unsettling and weird or weirder compared to vice versa. So if you’re going to argure about double standards, blame societies view on men being the “pigs”, “creeps” “predators”, and women being the one’s easily creeped out or violated. Many times girls have a reason to have their guard up, but I’m just saying the same thing a man does is usually seen as worse or more offensive or a woman doing the same thing, not a big deal or not offensive.

  12. Response to Broadblog re: having to do a lot of work to deal w sex not being dirty etc. You’re not the exception but, unfortunately, I tend to think the rule. My mom told me when I started dating to sit with my legs crossed. I thought she meant be lady like, but we know she meant so no one can get in down there. I had constant battles in my head trying unsuccessfully to be the ‘good girl’. How are we supposed to enjoy sex with our parents on our shoulders?!

  13. This is great because i think every father always wonders how will they talk to there kids about sex. The fact that he is so honest and is saying something maybe all men want to say. We all live in fear of others when we let that go we are truly at our best. In the future I will deff use this guys advice with my daughter.

  14. When my mom portrays sex as disgusting all it does is show her denial. Appreciating this wonderful exchange and interaction is one of the most thrilling and satisfying experience a human can rejoice. Destroying it with a negative facade is a true shame.

    • Unfortunately it may not be just denial. Having come out of that mindset myself I can tell you that it really can seem disgusting. So I had to work to overcome that view, myself. I went from “disgusting” to just “dull, boring,” why would anyone want to do that to being able to appreciate sexuality and enjoy it.

  15. This made me think about a conversation me and my fiancé had about how we would act towards our children in the future when we do decide to have them. We were in the car talking about the subject when he said: “If I came home from work and my son had a girl over I would give him a high five – if she was beautiful of course.” “and if it was your daughter with a boy?” I asked, He smiled and said “Oh, then I would kick the boy out and make sure he never wanted to come back”. I have seen and heard how men feel about their daughters possibly having sex, but I always just thought it was because they were extra worried about them but the more I think about it the more it worries me.. why wouldn’t their daughters be able to take care of themselves just like their sons? Because daughters innocence need to be protected. If we had sexual freedom in society there would not be a difference in how daughters and sons were treated in this matter.

    If the father would have wrote “Dear son, I hope you have some awesome sex.”, it would not have been as a big deal because sons are expected to have sex. A daughter is suppose to be innocent and pure. If she is not, she will be judged by society as a out of control teen or a “slut”. It all plays in to the roll of women being controlled, and it is quite sad how men show their daughters that this is the way it is supposed to be.

    This is a scene from the movie Bad Boys 2 where this is shown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2x4NEIjpaI
    Would it be just as funny if it was a girl coming to see his son? Probably not because people can relate more to a father protecting his daughter, it is the way its suppose to be.

  16. I think when it comes to sex parents should be realistic with their kids, especially their daughters. Just as he did, I would explain that it’s natural and should be fun. Why would you want your daughter to be closed off and have a probability of sexual dysfunction? By being open about sex you also eliminate the embarrassment that comes with asking for proper contraceptive and safe sex. As for a dad “protecting” his daughter looks like he’s going down the right road. Shaming and probably causing sexual dysfunction with threats and lying to her with false statements doesn’t sound like “protecting” to me.

  17. samantha morales

    My father once told me that i wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING with a boy. Yet he speaks to my younger brothers about girls and relationships all the time. I think that if my father would talk to me about sex when i was younger, things would be a lot different. I find it weird now if my dad would tell me to “have great sex”. Im so used to him avoiding the sex talk.

  18. I don’t disagree with what the dad told his daughter, I wouldn’t never tell my daughter nothing like that but to each it’s own. I really think it also depends on the type of relationship you have with your daughter. I could see me telling my son this but not my daughter, that’s something her and her mother talk about. I know my daughters having sex but I don’t want to know or imagine it. I just think us dads are very protective of our daughters and we once were little horny pussy trying to have sex with every girl possible and I think that’s what’s comes up for us when we think about our daughters having sex.

  19. The father in this case is certainly wrong. In this society for a father to tell their daughter to go out and have fun having sex. This father clearly has some types of issues. That is basically telling your daughter to go out and become a slut. Men see sex as just fun and for the pleasure but for women they see it to be more sacred and willing to do it with the right person and when the right time comes. A father should be encouraging in these types of situations because by saying go have sex he is degrading his own daughter. I feel women should continue to not be open sexually because of so many diseases we have in this world today. In other words if by any chance you become a father and have the talk with your daughter about sex, don’t tell her not to do it but to do it after marriage. That is what I plan to tell my daughter and I hope many do the same.

  20. “Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.”

    If more people thought like this sexuality wouldn’t be treated like such a bad thing. I’m a hedonist and believe long as it safe, fun and everyone is having a good time. Go for it.

  21. Although I understand that the father might want the best for his daughter and want her to experience the time of her life he should probably take into consideration that by giving her such advice like this he might actually cause her emotional pain for many reasons. One being that she is a girl not a boy. She will most likely hear it from everyone around her that she is a “slut.” Second, most men dislike a woman who has been around therefore she might have trouble in keeping a man. Third, she might even catch a disease if she is not responsible. Countless of reasons why giving her this type of advice might not be such a good idea. Perhaps if he had mention to have fun but limit herself with the amount of partners. Sex is natural and should be fun yet I believe explaining to his daughter the consequences should have also been included in the advice such as getting pregnant and dealing with an unplanned child. Also, making her realize that a child comes with great responsibilities and it is not all fun and games when supporting one. A child is a blessing and I believe there should be a strong foundation when bringing one in to this world. One should be at least slightly prepared and be aware what it takes to deal with real life situations.

  22. I aplaude this father for his honesty and willingness to be open about his hopes for his daughter’s future sex life. He is creating a safe environment for his daughter to be open about sex and I find that invaluable. By giving his child his open opinion about a subject most parents dread, he is giving his daughter the assurance that sex is good and that sex is natural. To pose a counter-argument for the comment above, giving his child his approval towards sex is by no means suggestive for her to act promiscuously. There was no mention of sleeping around he just simply states that she should explore her sexuality free from fear and insecurity. Yes, consequences can happen when one isn’t careful but that shouldn’t limit someone from experiencing sex. You could die from driving fast but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t drive on the freeway.

  23. The simple but shocking title hooked me and brought me here. At first glance, I was surprised by this father’s suggestion toward his daughter, but it was way more heartwarming after reading all the article.
    I am still not married and of course, never had chance to have a daughter of my own. But thinking about my own daughter getting in relationship with some foolish young kid will probably drive me crazy. I would not say that the murder is justified, but it is a heavy duty stuff for fathers to deal with these things.
    Perhaps, it is assumable that father of my girlfriend’s is suffering the same issue.
    The courageous and honest word of this father made me stop and re-think about my own relationship. More fathers like him will definitely bring lot of boys to take the relation more seriously. It is really essential that we, both man and woman enjoy having relationship with each other. I truly should set my mind to live in a good faith!

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