How to Pleasure A Woman

2831721994_d2592433baMen get much of their sex ed from porn, which has little to do with pleasing actual women (porn stars are acting ecstatic, after all, and the focus is often on pleasing the man). So WebMD asked reputed sex educators, Tristan Taormino and Lou Paget, to talk about some common mistakes men make. Go here to see the full text. We’ll also look at research from Cindy Meston and David Buss, who researched and wrote, Why Women Have Sex.

Men imagine that women feel something parallel to what they feel, says Paget, leaving a “huge disconnect” about what feels good to women:

When a man has intercourse with a woman, and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn’t feeling the same way for her. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

The vagina is actually less sensitive than the clitoris and the surrounding parts for most women.

And a vibrator can help. So don’t be insulted, thinking something is wrong if that’s what she needs, say the authors. “Some women can’t have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm, so think of a vibrator as your assistant, not your substitute.”

But many men continue to believe that women should be able to reach orgasm from vaginal penetration. Taormino says:

I still get letters from people who say things like, my wife can’t [orgasm] from intercourse unless she has clitoral stimulation — please help. I want to write back and say, ‘OK, what’s the problem?’

And then there’s the myth that bigger is better. It all depends. Length is great for women who enjoy having their cervix stimulated, say Meston and Buss. But the same stimulation can be painful for other women. And if the penis is too long, “it feels like you’re getting punched in the stomach,” Paget explains. “It makes you feel nauseous.” Still others feel neither pleasure nor pain—and often not much of anything.

Generally speaking, width is more important than length. But depending on the woman, some prefer larger and some smaller.

And men should not assume they know what a woman wants based upon what other women have wanted. Taormino points out that:

You develop a repertoire as you mature sexually, but you should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person.

So open the lines of communication and ask what feels good. But consider: If you constantly ask her if she’s coming, do you really think she will? The badgering can move her from erotic to just feeling pressured. So don’t overdo it.

And finally, let her know how gorgeous and sexy she is. That’s one of the biggest turn-ons a woman can get.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on July 5, 2013, in feminism, men, pornography, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, women and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. I am very appreciative of whoever decided to write this article. When reading this, as a woman I thought “well duh we know that” but I quickly realized that this article is directed towards men because of how much information they lack about female pleasure and sexual stimulation. It is actually quite shocking how many of my male friends I have had to explain to that not all women can orgasm from them just having intercourse. And I find it very funny their reactions when I explain how fast and easy it can be to reach orgasm from using a vibrator. I have noticed that a lot of the time men tend to get their feelings hurt when after having sex they ask the girl if she finished and they say no, even to the point where I have to reassure them that it wasnt just them and this is actually very common. I think the main takeaways from this article are: 1) not all vaginas are the same, 2) not all women like the same things and 3) communicate so you can both be happy!!

  2. How to Pleasure a Woman?

    Each and every woman is different and reacts to sexual activities differently. There is no one size fits all when it comes to pleasing a woman. Women are considered the weaker sex and raised to be an object of sexual gratification for men. They yearn for their mate’s validation. In fact women react positively to compliments therefore being aroused. They love to be desired and to be lusted after. Women get sexually stimulated by feeling extremely wanted as if they were having a magnetic power over their partners. Women have been conditioned to feel this way from an early age. All their actions reflect their longing to be wanted and feel unique. It is observed in the way they dress, look, and behave in both the private and public spheres.
    Women do appreciate and enjoy sexual activities way better when the relationship is new and young compared to when the couple has been together for a longer period of time. While courting and dating a woman, men tend to devote all their attention to the woman, making her feel like the most prettier woman in the world thus increasing her sexual desires. The latter lessens and become non-existent when men get too comfortable in the relationship, forgetting to make their partner feel desired.

  3. As always, great article Ms. Platts! Overall, this read was entertaining and I found a lot of the facts to be very convincing and completely valid. Porn as mentioned is definitely a big influence in a man’s ability to think what would “please a woman”. That’s when things such as penis length become the primary concern when in reality, it’s stimulating the clitoris part of a woman’s body that will give her the most pleasure. If more men were “educated” about this then they wouldn’t need to immerse themselves into more porn to find answers that ultimately lead them to nowhere. I definitely learned a lot about this article and it debunked some ideas that the vast majority of people I know believe in.

  4. Timothy Dela Cruz

    Urban Dictionary: Boner – an erect blood filled penis.

    This article should be common knowledge, but most men know how difficult it is to outthink a boner. Man feels boner, man must relieve boner so that all the blood taken from his brain can comeback. Then you got to factor in the fatigue after the release that usually cause a huge lost of a person’s sexual urge. What I am trying to say is that most men are not patient enough nor have the mental strength to fight through what their dick is saying and think to themselves she comes first.

    • Interesting you should say that. I’ve got another post coming up where a man talks about how much more satisfying his sex life is since he started having a erectile dysfunction!

  5. That’s the point though is how it is unfortunate men and women have insecurities and I guess restrictions preventing them to be fully confident, assured and not pressured to feel they have to look or act a certain way. Men don’t have to feel the pressure and insecurity about their bodies, so they don’t have to feel that pressure when being intimate. So most men aren’t self conscious or atleast not like women are as far as being naked during sex. It’s common I think for girls to not want a man to see her naked body in the light and just a little from her self consciousness and stuff like this that can get in the way of her enjoyment and add to the reasons why its hard or harder for women to orgasm.

    Then you have men having the pressure to be the “performers”, be the man in bed and amazing. Stuff that can lead to shame from perfomance anxiety, shame from premature ejaculation, impotence, etc. And then even for sex a man has to feel completely in control and not express his pleasure, because it’s something in which he feels he’d sound weird or make him sound or seem unmanly even for sex. That’s not to mention any other fantasies or stuff in bed. Both effecting each other. Women feeling body conscious effecting themselves and their man, because it means she’s probably less likely to get off or be mentally into as she could and her man not being as into or able to bring out the passion from her as much. And the other way, a man stuck in and being inhibited and being self conscious of his manliness in bed, might miss the potential to get his woman really turned on, excited or aroused and which coudl not only lead to even more pasionate sex, but increase the chance of her getting off and quicker. And it also can help take away her self consciousness on herself or her body and make her feel sexy. A man giving cues like that, that reassures his woman that she’s doing things well and is sexy will only help the chance for her to have mind on the sex and not on herself and allow her to get into the pleasure of it all.

    I know it’s been said, but I do believe a huge part of sex enjoyment is the mental part. You get each other wild and well that’s good chance for mutual pleasure and great sex. The trick is communication and find a way for men and women to be free of the gender expectations society has put on men and women that can damper things for both in regular life and as far as between the sheets.

  6. This was the article I was talking about

    It’s interesting though how your blogs have made me think of things more as far as why men and women react and do things different. Before it would be, well men and women are just different. But I can’t help to think how much conditioning plays a role in the way men and women express themselves in regular life and I think as far as intimacy goes too. Yeah the porn effect. Women thinking they have to be porn star loud and men thinking they’re weird if they make any or much noise and it’s a girl thing.

    I guess it’s nice knowing that many women aren’t as judgemental on men as men seem to be on theirselves and masculinity and women are fine and find men expressing themselves to be sexy or sexier than men think. Just like men find women’s bodies in their different shapes and sizes sexier than women think their bodies are and men less critical than women think men are or how women are of themselves.

  7. And yeah even though I say this and realize it, it shows how conditioned men and women are on certain things. As my thought process is pretty similar to many men on that even though I just said all this ha.

  8. Not to mention like you said many boys and guys having learned about sex from porn. And well, I like hearing women as a man, so I don’t mind it being that way. Except I don’t like mainstream porn since it’s fake and the moans are fake from the women and exaggerated to me. Either way, the dude is silent pretty much and women are the one’s making noises and sounds of pleasure. But this isn’t just porn. Hollywood sex scenes, not exaggerated like porn, but most often dudes silent or pretty quiet. Media, radio, anything that’s sex related or sounds of sex going on, well it’s the woman’s voice heard right? So naturally it’s very easy, maybe not consciously, but to internalize that making sounds, moaning is a “girl” thing and that’s not what guy’s do or to hold back and be quiet with the sounds.

  9. I’ve seen that where some have said that seeing them please their partner and show it, get’s them so aroused and get off easier and faster. This goes for women too in regard to men. Men need to know what they are doing or listen and communication, but sex is so mental and I’ve noticed personally, when a girl is really into it and really turned on. like it’s so much easier and quicker for her to cum or more likely. Like dirty talk, finding what she likes, passion, your body, you know not holding back and it just picks up and they are so turned on and into, therefore, into their own pleasure, enjoyment and their mind off their self conscious and into the sex and thing you know she’s getting off. But not just for women, I noticed that for me too.

    When the passion is really good and the noises she makes, and I’m just really turned on, it’s so much easier to climax, but also more powerful. And that’s why I brought up how hang ups from men and women hurt things. Women being too self conscious about their bodies and men self conscious of their masculinity. I get it though as I struggle with that too and it’s hard for me too. I came across something from men’s health magazine. I was just skimming and read about the workouts but came across something about sex. I think the picture drew me in ha. I guess I’m naieve, but I didn’t know it was a turn on for women and apparently a lot of guys don’t know, and it really makes women feel sexy and get really turned on, helping women increase the chance or if they are to get off, to get off fast or add to the sexual enjoyment as well as can make a difference. There’s something that guy’s don’t do that frustrate some women or more women wished their men would do? Of course going down is big, but it’s what most guys apparently don’t do or not enough of I guess and I understand with me being a guy, I understand totally this male hold up which I feel is definitely a conditioning thing and I can think of a couple reasons. Can you guess what it is?

  10. “And men should not assume they know what a woman wants based upon what other women have wanted”.

    I agree with this because us guys today think that all women wants is the whole package(Big penis,etc) but in reality all woman have different taste in men as men have for woman.
    For example, One female may like big,tall men while the other female would have a thing for short, stocky men. Same situation relates to women liking big or small penis’s.

    Also for both sides to be pleased during sex it’s probably a good idea to ask what your particular partner is into like (vaginal penetration,anal,etc). That way while the guys feel good during intercourse they would be confident knowing what his partner wants and enjoys.

  11. so, men bodies are made to get pleasure from sex(vaginal) but women bodies no?, is that?.

    • Women’s bodies were made to get pleasure from sexual behavior, but not from vaginal contact. Strange, huh?

      • pretty strange, if the great value of sex is the reproduction, then why evolution make women enjoy sex but no vaginal sex, because women get pregnant from vaginal sex.

        then when women begin to demand(matriarchy?) pleasure, bye bye babies?, bye bye humans?, so patriarchy is good and necessary??????

      • Feminists don’t want matriarchy. They want equality. When it comes to sex, that means pleasuring each other in the way that works. (Even in patriarchy plenty of men – even patriarchal ones – would like to know how to pleasure women.)

        I have no idea why the vagina isn’t as sexually sensitive as the penis is.

  12. Rohan 7 Things

    This especially: “You develop a repertoire as you mature sexually, but you should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person.”

    While men tend to be fairly similar when it comes to sexual pleasure and reaching climax women vary wildly! I’ve never had a lover who was the same as the last, and every time I’ve had to throw many of the “tricks” out the window and start again. Which I think is awesome! Exploring and finding out how your lover works is a beautiful experience. It’s also why I don’t like one night stands, how can you even begin to understand your lover and reach the peaks of pleasure with just one encounter?!

    Great post, totally agree.


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