Grooming Women for Battering


It’s not often – if ever – that you can witness a man grooming a woman to accept battering. We now have a visual record of how one man attempted it. And it may help to warn women away from potential abusers.

Sara Naomi Lewkowicz, a grad student at Ohio University, had planned to study the stigma of being an ex-convict. While at a local Corn Festival she spotted a tattoo-covered man who was gently cuddling a cute little girl. She approached and asked him and his girlfriend if she could photograph them over a period of time for her project, and they agreed.

Our photographer had met the couple only about a month after they’d gotten together. Two and a half months later she photographed Shane as he battered Maggie in their home. And she had already amassed a photographic record of how he had groomed her for the abuse. You can see the pictures here.

Batterers know that if they give in to their craving to beat their partners too soon the women will leave. So they have two immediate projects 1) push for quick involvement and 2) make her fall in love hard and fast so that she will stay after the beatings.

Shane’s charm offensive began while he was in prison, where he called Maggie every day. As soon as he was released they began dating and within weeks Maggie and her two kids, ages two and four, had moved in with him. A month later Shane got a huge neck tattoo which practically shouted MAGGIE. Any man who would get a tattoo like that must surely be both smitten and committed!

Abusers also keep score of emotional debts owed them (while ignoring those they owe). Altering his body for Maggie created a huge debt. As Amanda Marcotte put it,

“But I got a tattoo for you!” Translation: I altered my very body “for” you, and that is a massive debt that you can pretty much never pay, so you have to put up with my crap forever.

In more emotional blackmail Shane spent plenty of time complaining that Maggie paid more attention to her kids than to him.

Her four-year-old son, Kayden, took the brunt of his resentment even as he lavished attention on his cute two-year-old sister, Memphis. Maybe Shane thought he could release some of his abusive cravings on him while he repressed his desire to beat the boy’s mother. So keep in mind that batterers are often cruel to animals and children.

Batterers also try to isolate their victims, leaving them without help or support. So characteristically, Shane moved Maggie and her kids far away from family and friends within months of beginning their relationship. Moving everyone in with him may have also created a sense of “debt owed” and dependence on him.

But with a criminal record and facial tattoos Shane had difficulty finding work, so he couldn’t really afford to support the family. Abusers can come from any class but men who feel disempowered sometimes beat up their partners partly because it gives them a sense of empowerment in those moments when they are raging and pummeling a smaller, physically weaker person. And Shane’s difficulty finding work may have created a sense of powerlessness.

Once Maggie had fallen in love and was isolated and dependent, Shane only needed an excuse to beat her.

Jealousy works especially well for this trigger. The whirlwind courtship had already marked the relationship as passionate, and so administering a beating over jealous love promotes the storyline that he only did it because he loves her sooo much. And that makes her more likely to stay afterwards.

So Maggie and Shane went to a bar where Maggie became jealous over some flirtations and left. After a friend drove him home, Shane became enraged that Maggie had abandoned him. He then turned the jealous accusation around. Furious that one of his friends had flirted with Maggie, he claimed that she had betrayed him.

As they fought he told her to choose between getting beaten in the kitchen or going to the basement where they could talk privately (they were staying at a friend’s home).

Any police officer will tell you to never go to a second, more isolated location where something more brutal is likely to happen. Maggie was smart enough not to do that.

Hearing her mother’s screams, two-year-old Memphis ran to her mother’s side. Maybe because Shane had always been so sweet to Memphis, she felt she could protect her mom. So the little girl screamed, stomped her feet and finally put her body in between the two of them.

But the abuse didn’t end until a housemate called the police. Shane told the officers that he was just trying to keep Maggie from leaving the house with the children while she was drunk.

When that didn’t work he cried out, “Please, Maggie, I love you, don’t let them take me, tell them I didn’t do this,” apparently hoping that his “love” would persuade her to save him.

Often, it works. And it nearly did here as the officer had to coax the truth from Maggie and then talk her into signing a protection order and getting a medical exam.

“I don’t want to get him in trouble,” she wept.

“You aren’t getting him into trouble. He got himself into trouble,” the officer assured her. “You know, he’s not going to stop. They never stop. They usually stop when they kill you.”

What’s not typical is that Maggie left. She now lives in Alaska with her children’s father. Maybe she left because she had someplace to go. Maybe the publicity and the pictures made it difficult to deny the gravity of the abuse.

Most women stay, thinking that he will change. It usually takes months or even years of violent outbursts to see that it is about him and not about her, to see that he will not change, and to see that love is nowhere to be found.

When women decide to leave they should first call a domestic abuse hotline to make plans. And then go without warning. Because leaving is the most dangerous time.

800-799-SAFE (TDD: 800-787-3224)


Keep in mind that not every batterer has all the signs. But here are some things to look out for:

Women’s Crisis Service:

Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:


Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.

For example; he will ask if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, “yes”, he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.

Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children. The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.


Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.

Social isolation usually begins with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers. He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her. He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.


Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims whores or sluts.

Emotional Abuse 

The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim’s self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, puts her down, calls her names and makes threats against her. Over time, she no longer believes she deserves to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.


Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim’s life: where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to. He will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.

The following are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:

  • He does not batter other individuals – the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
  • If you ask an abused woman, “can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?” She will say “yes”. Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly “out of control” he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
  • The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Here are some more signs:

1. Jealousy of your time with co-workers, friends and family.

2. Controlling behavior. (Controls your comings and goings and your money.)

3. Isolation. (Cuts you off from all supportive resources such as telephone pals, colleagues at work and close family members.)

4. Blames others for his problems. (Unemployment, quarrels – everything is “your fault.”)

5. Hypersensitivity. (Easily upset by annoyances that are a part of daily life.)

6. Cruelty to animals or children.

7. “Playful” use of force in sex. (May start having sex with you when you are sleeping or demand sex when you are ill or tired.)

8. Verbal abuse.

9. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. (Sudden mood swings and unpredictable behavior – one minute loving, the next minute angry and punitive.)

10. Past history of battering. (Has hit others but has a list of excuses for having been “pushed over the edge.”)

11. Threats of violence.

12. Breaking or striking objects.

13. Uses force during an argument.

Any woman who sees herself in this column should call the nearest women’s crisis line and tell someone what is happening. She will be provided with support and safety options.

Some women do not realize they are being abused until someone points it out to them. They have been made to believe that abusive treatment is what they deserve and that most women are treated this way. Women who see themselves in his should check out the nearest shelter and keep the phone number handy. They can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (TDD: 800-787-3224).

Still more:

1. Controlling behavior: “I know what’s best for you” and “I know what you want (or need).”The reality is that no one knows what is best for another adult.

2. Blames others for his problems: “Look what you made me do” and “If you hadn’t done that, none of this would have happened.”

3. Use of force in sex and/or saying that sex was a “wifely duty.” There is no law requiring a woman to have sex if she doesn’t want to. Forced sex is called rape.

4. History of battering: Excuses include the classic, “If you hadn’t provoked me …”The truth is that he chose to hit, push, kick, slap or punch you. If he hit you once, he will hit you again.

5. Verbal abuse: If someone deliberately hurts your feelings by word or deed, it is abuse, even if it is as simple as “You look fat in that outfit.”

6. Threats of violence: Threats are almost always precursors to the deed. If he threatens you, leave him before he does it.

7. Use of force during an argument: Most women feel, as I did, that if they haven’t been hit, they have not been physically abused. Restraining someone is also physical abuse. Pushing and shoving are physical abuse.

Abuse and battery take a toll on one’s physical, emotional and spiritual energy. It is easy to say no. We say this word all the time. Unfortunately, we find it especially difficult to say no to those we love and those we fear.

About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on March 8, 2013, in feminism, psychology, rape and sexual assault, relationships, sexism, violence against women, women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 41 Comments.

  1. When I took a criminal justice class, I learned that domestic violence is one of the lowest reported crimes. There might be many reasons. For example, in general, economic dependence of the wives on their husband might be one of the reasons. The abused wives might worry about financial problems they will confront if their husbands go to prison. But some reasons should not be actual reasons. In other words, being fooled by the wrong excuses their partners gave them cannot be the reason women hesitate to be brave. Shane excused Maggie that he battered her, because he loved her so much. But, of course, that can not be love. Also, we should respect ourselves. We always should protect our self-esteem and never let others to destroy it. No women are deserved to be treated bad by their partners.

  2. oops, i meant to say *not always there.

  3. Your post was fine, it wasn’t misleading to imply that every batterer has all the signs. I didnt mean my post to sound like that is what i thought it meant. : ) I think we sometimes look for certain signs to warn us and they are always there.

  4. I was amazed that this type of behavior had a list of the way the batterer behaves. If women knew of the signs beforehand maybe it would be helpful. I guess not every batterer has all the signs. I also think, although I have never been in an abusive relationship, that you might overlook certain signs. I think we all think “it couldn’t happen to us”.
    I know from reading an article or two about spousal abuse that you never think someone that loves you could do these things to you. I have had over the years close girlfriends who have been in such relationships although I am not totally sure of the extent of the abuse in private. The main sign I remember was him trying to isolate all of us friends and family from her. I guess if the steps have a certain sequence this would probably be the first that I remember seeing. Since before she finally moved away from us we all pointed out things he was doing that weren’t right.
    In the case of another one of my girlfriends that was living an abusive relationship right out of high school they stayed together over 30 years of marriage, and he spent all the years after the first few proving his love for her and apologizing for his behavior. I guess this would be the best case scenario. I think in his case he was mostly jealous of someone taking her away from him and it made him treat her badly. I don’t see how in one’s mind they think “let me treat her like crap, and she will want to stay with me”

    I viewed the still photos of the story. I wasn’t going to since I didn’t want to be sad. I did though and they were very powerful to me.

    I am glad to see that when I am at Kaiser Hospital for any appointments that posters and signs are posted in all the Exam rooms asking “are you being abused” or questions of that nature. Hopefully in the privacy of the exam room with your MD a woman can seek help.

  5. I think that this is a very important issue to be discussed. I also think that there should be more research and awareness of what causes men to have these issues and how women can spot the signs and protect themselves. It seems to be a psychological problem with western culture. Although I do not totally understand how, this sort of abuse tends to be, to some degree, a learned habit. Of course, everything is a little nature as well as nurture, but what if we could eliminate the learned aspect of it? What if we could treat our kids with respect and love and then when they grow up, they won’t do this and this would not happen so much? I think that it’s possible, and has gotten better over the years. Unfortunately it is still a very real threat. This story is truly heartbreaking, but it could have been so much worse and I am so thankful that she was able to get the help she needed. The problem is that there are so many women all over the world tolerating and accepting being beaten. Maybe even someone we know, but aren’t close enough to really know what’s going on with her. I am so glad this article was written and I hope it will help other women escape their own situation, or encourage a friend who has been distanced to dig a little deeper into his/her friend’s relationship.

  6. It’s such a sad fact that domestic violence is not rare case among families and couples. To make things worse, the victims are always women, or sometimes women and their kids. Just like what has been pointed out in the post, the abusers have a set of “abusive tactics” to sustain the relationship between themselves and the victims. And they are also capable to use physical and emotional impacts to make the victims keep silence rather than turn for help. Personally, I think this issue is closely correlated with respectively inferiority of women’s biological attributes (no offense, but most women is of less strength while compared to normal men), and more importantly, the patriarchal family structure and relationship mode. Since there still a large group of female victims of domestic abuse, no matter in a physical way or emotional one, do not realize they should not be treated that way. It makes me feel sad someone you love being generous, considerate and caring to you in order to tie you up and start a horrible relationship which you just could not easily get rid of. However, this post teaches me a lesson that women should be more self-protective and vigilant. I do know someone who qualifies the signs mentioned-above. Everyone around him is impressed by his generous and decent manners, and his outstanding education background entitles him Mr. Perfect (He even bought me big bear toys when I was little!). What is out of everyone’s expectation is that he batters his wife a lot and has the problem of drinking. When he was drunk, he abuses his wife physically and verbally. I just could not understand and kept being suspicious about this for a long time. But after reading this post, things make sense finally.

  7. Wow. I am in complete “ah” and amazement right now. You hit every aspect of an abusive relationship spot on! I was involved in a relationship recently where I was emotionally abused and eventually physically as well. I always wondered why he acted the way he did and reasoned that he does it out of rage (as an excuse). It took me almost 6 months to realize that he knew exactly what he was doing and that there are no excuses to his behaivor. It also took me awhile to finally find the courage to leave him and focus on myself regardless of any “consequence”. How can a man say that the love is real, yet be so willing to blame their significant others for their wrongful doing? I will never really understand this. I am proud that I got out while I had time to and without looking back, but rather looking forward and expecting to help other women do the same. I am also ecstatic to hear that the lady in this article moved on as well, however I wonder If it was because she knew she had a rebound (kids fasther) to fall onto. Had he not been there would she have went back to her abuser? and what could have been the outcome for her children? She got out at the right time not only for herself but also to protect the developmental stages of her little ones. This article was refreshing for me to know that my reasoning to his behaivor has been rectified. What a relief….

  8. You may find this video interesting. It corresponds closely with what you’ve written, bringing an additional poignancy of personal experience.

  9. I found this article to be disturbingly spot on. I have know couples in abusive relationships and everything above related- down to the name tattoo. It is all very sick how manipulative a person will be to find a spouse they can take their anger out on. The pictures were very helpful in bringing imagery to the process- even when it came down to the happier scenes that existed as a charm factor to justify the abuse. For whatever reason this woman decided that that was enough, I’m so glad she did because I don’t think it takes a weak person to get into a situation like that but it does to stay. I am very proud of her and wish her the best with her beautiful children.

  10. Reblogged this on One Woman and commented:
    Broadblogs does an excellent job of showing the process of how a man “grooms” a woman for abuse. There are many aspects of Shane and Maggie’s relationship that I can relate to. She goes on to list some signs of an abuser: charm, jealousy, isolation, emotional abuse, control. Again, these were all present in my situation. It’s an important read.

  11. After reading this article, I know step by step directions about how to “spot” an abuser. I heard many stories from women who ended up in those type of relationships.
    One thing is the most interesting, that men feels weaknesses of women’s nature and act like an animal toward a victim, playing emotional games.
    It is so obvious now that an abuser is playing a game where the end is a subordination of a woman. All he wants is to satisfy his basic need – to abuse by any price.
    I feel bad for all of the women who were in this position and very proud that police and hot lines work with those type of problems, because it often nowhere to go or call for a help, simply because an abuser isolated external world, and wants to keep you in his sick little world of humiliation.
    Ladies, let’s be smart and avoid this guys, who fit the abuser’s description!

  12. Melinda Jeffries

    “But I got a tattoo for you!” Translation: I altered my very body “for” you, and that is a massive debt that you can pretty much never pay, so you have to put up with my crap forever.

    This sounds all to familiar to me. I was once in a abusive relationship and had finally made a decision to leave back in 1984. I was in contact with legal aid and a battered womens shelter to plan out my get away. I also had a 3 year old daughter. He would get really abusive when I would catch him cheating or lying. Two weeks before I was scheduled to make the departure he was gunned down by 3 men. He obviously ruffled their feathers at one point and time. I still till this day dont know what he did to them and I am probably safer not knowing. I dont have to look over my shoulder constantly either. Needless to say I was never involved with an abusive man again. The man NEVER changes, like a leoperd never changes its spots…

  13. Men’s violence against women occurs in all social groups and professions, and basically it is a question of power. These men are in constant need for control and are very jealous. They are full with hate and anger, and I think that it is difficult to believe that therapy and insight would cure the violent man. Only a small minority of these men can change. We need to help women remove themselves from these men, and not persuade or support them to forgive and understand their perpetrators. In these situation it is also really important that politicians, churches, social workers, police, lawyers and courts steps in and take much more action than they do.

  14. This post is so powerful and with the photographs it really gives a true inside of the abuse Maggie went through. In particular the picture of her two year old daughter Memphis trying to breakup the fight between her mother and Shane broke my heart. When I was around Memphis age I myself was witnessing my mother getting abused by my father. It was incredibly hard not having the strength to stand up to him and protect my mother. All the signs of an abusive partner, my father held. How my mother managed the pain I could never imagine but luckily the love for her daughters was greater then the “love” from my father and we all happily packed up and left. It’s important for women who are going through this to realize that can make it on their own! With the example of my mother, she left with little money in her pocket and three girls to take care of but with the strength that my mother held she refused to be defeated. I think that the fear of an abusive mother, girlfriend, or anyone is how can they manage to leave and make it on their own. But it’s important to realize they are not alone and many people can help even if it’s dialing a hotline. With stories like these out there I could only hope that women can detect the signs ahead of time and never go through such painful relationships and that these men out there get some help.

  15. i just hate that for a guy to feel like a man they turn to abuse to feel a sense of control and power. well i would have thought that Maggie would be cautious with him because of all the tattoos and the fact that he was in prison. that’s like a red alert to be careful. also i would think a mother would be just as careful of who she dates if she has children. i mean if you have friends and family members you should try to trust their judgement for things you don’t see so when the abuser has u madly in love with them you have some guidance. no one should take you away from your family and friends and sometimes someone flirting with you makes you feel better about yourself even if you don’t flirt back and if he acts so crazy about it then that’s a guy that doesn’t trust you. blaming one’s self is the biggest problem because of their manipulation that its your fault. also i think every girl who is very in love with someone should have that emergency number saved just in case and on their phones just put a random name so their partner will never know.

  16. I am so amazed by the fact that this cycle has been documented the way it has in photographs. While there are so many different angles that the photographs have represented the part that saddens me the most is the role that the two children play.Men who complain that their female partner focuses too much on the children is a warning sign in itself. It is not easy being a parent but having to choose between your child and mate is not a decision that should have to be made. Especially how Shane didn’t even think about the two year old daughter Memphis during the attack. Not only did she have to witness the entire attack, but her ability, even at a young age, to stop herself from crying to protect her mother proves that she is a strong little girl yet the affects remain to be un documented. I think it is so important to share the signs of an abusive male because they are in every sense a trap. The signs are all too obvious yet are often hard to definitely differentiate between normal and abusive. The fact that the lines blend so easily is frightening in itself, our entire societies perspective on what is and is not okay in a relationship seems to be letting too much negative slide by.I hope that the images can go further to warn young woman against domestic violence and as reassurance that the women who go through it are not alone. While this story ends successfully in that Maggie reported Shane and left him, many women are not able to react in such a positive manor but hopefully through efforts to capture the mentality of an abuser and the abused there will be more opportunity to protect those who have to protect themselves.

  17. Great post. Thank you for writing it.
    While this article deals primarily with physical violence, emotional and verbal violence is also extremely damaging and very often a precursor to battery. It is also insidious and harder to recognize since it comes not just in the form of shouting or obvious insults. It can come disguised as humor or even concern. But the intent is the same: to control, dominate, and destroy. I highly recommend the books “The Verbally Abusive Relationship; How to recognize it and how to respond”, by Partricia Evans, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, and “Ditch That Jerk”, by Pamela Jayne, M.A. I found them to be very eye opening and helpful.
    Patricia Evans has written several books on the subject and is local. Here’s her website:
    If anyone is reading this and feels their partner isn’t really abusive but that “something is not quite right,” then please read at least the first book. It could save you a lot of pain and suffering in the future.

  18. I clicked Like, but in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I came into this world with a y chromosome, yet have never slapped a woman, or hit a woman, or forced myself on a woman. I simply don’t get the way this sort of mind operates. I just don’t

    • Dislike that this sort of thing happens. I get it.

      • no, not quite. I am horrified at manipulation, Men doing it to women I abhor. Women doing it to men, I abhor that too. I’ve seen that happen too.
        I hate human parasites, who give nothing and drain strength from the host.
        Thank you for replying.
        I would despair, but I’ve found, and it is my personal experience, if you are kind to people they respond well. And I do mean KIND. Not for what you can get out of it, just kind.
        I do realise that sounds like a grooming tactic. But it isn’t. I have to live with the detritus that bad men, and bad women, leave in their wake.
        Sorry sound pompous there. I suspect you know what I mean.

      • I don’t think that kindness sounds at all like a grooming tactic. And I don’t think you sound pompous either.

        What Shane was using as a grooming tactic was not “being kind.”

  19. I’ve been in a couple relationships like this. One was emotionally abusive and one was physical but the one that was physical i never would’ve of known upfront. He was very open, honest, a little bit of a nerd, pretty calm, well educated. Never seemed to tell me how to dress or act. He was always proud. He was a little jealous but not to the point I thought was beyond normal jealousy. He was studying to be a social worker, loved kids and people. I didn’t think that he would ever hurt a soul, but once alcohol got into it, it was a whole new story. Sometimes its hard to follow any guideline the only one I gave my self is once they hit you run, it only takes one time to kill you, and they might change he went to counseling and never drank again but still it was too late on my end. We still stay friends and im glad hes better but all I can say is MOST of the time they don’t change!

    • I would say they almost never change.

      You shouldn’t take the list of warning signs to mean that an abusive man is going to have every single one of those characteristics. Almost all abusers will have at least some of them.

      Your guy did show jealousy – and what is “normal jealousy”? (I’ve never been in a relationship with a jealous guy — people don’t HAVE to be like that.) So that’s a warning. And during the early part of the relationship he is very likely to come across as sweet and innocent because he’s trying to disarm you and get you to fall in love with him. A lot of these guys are unusually charming and attentive. A guy can also feel powerless yet come across as proud: proud as in “I’m superior” to you and I’m entitled to do with you what I want. The guy in the story fits both descriptions. Pummeling a person can make him feel proud.

      Interestingly, alcohol can actually be used as an excuse to batter. “It wasn’t me, it was the alcohol!” So that sort of thing can be a warning sign, too.

  20. I told my daughters. Don’t rush a relationship. Know the person. If you are not careful. You can be stuck with the devil if you rush into a relationship. Good advice given in the blog,

  21. Reblogged this on Susan Daniels Poetry and commented:
    So important to share this.

  22. Reblogged this on Alice Keys and commented:

  23. Also shared on FB just now.

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