How Does A Man Ask A Woman Out Post-Weinstein?

Sexual harassment is finally coming out of the closet.

One of my male Facebook friends wondered: how does a man ask a woman out post-Weinstein?

He’s not the only one who wonders. A New York Times headline blared “Deep Confusion of the Post-Weinstein Moment.” 

Really?

It doesn’t some so complicated to me. Like this:

  • Don’t meet a woman while wearing an open bathrobe — or anything like that, a la Harvey Weinstein.
  • Don’t grab a woman’s breasts or rub your erection up against her, a la Mark Halperin.
  • No crotch-groping, a la Kevin Spacey and Donald Trump
  • Don’t proposition 14-year-olds, a la Roy Moore
  • Don’t ask a woman to watch you masturbate, a la Louis C.K.
  • Don’t keep pushing for sex when she says she’s not interested.
  • Don’t suggest her career will be ruined if she doesn’t have sex with you.
  • Be aware of power differentials that can leave women fearing retribution if they refuse or if they complain about sexual harassment.

Still, some men like Woody Allen fear a “witch hunt.” Woody Allen… that reminds me: don’t sleep with your step-daughter.

Common courtesy and common sense.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on November 16, 2017, in rape and sexual assault and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 60 Comments.

  1. I am very happy that this unspoken rule is exposed, and many brave women are willing to say what happened to them.I think this is a very significant progress, so that workplace sexual harassment is once again widely discussed.How Does A Man Ask A Woman Out Post-Weinstein?In my opinion, the most important point to invite a woman to go out is to respect their feelings. First, find out the commonalities between you and then use that to attract each other. Do not think of sex as the ultimate goal of this appointment, but with a relaxed and pleasant mood, I think it would be better.

  2. I totally agree with this article. Use common sense and courtesy when you want to ask a female out. You shouldn’t be doing any of the things listed. You also have to know if you want to ask this person out because you truly like them and want to know or you just want a fling.

  3. What about a non-seeing person who wants to ask a woman out but needs to feel her face first to know what she looks like?

  4. I wrote that short post, but I don’t know if you’re just answering really short posts, but I think it;s important. Keeping net neutrality, it’s so much more than internet costs, speed and such. Censoring the internet is a dangerous game. Portugal and other countries are an example.

    That’ really how fake news and propaganda can start and the ridiculous monopoly verizon and comcast already have even more amped up. Will that be something you might at-least add to the bottom of your next blog post? The importance of this, as many people might know of it, but not how it works and how important it is to vote against the changes the republicans off the FCC are trying to vote in on December 14th I think.

    • Net neutrality is so important. Elites are trying to take over everything. Including the Internet.

      • I think it’s good to further awareness though. The more people make the public aware of this and maybe through blogposts the more people can take it serious and learn and protest.

        You know politics and work with congress so are you trying to do something about this and is there are better course of action for me And others to simply call our congressman/woman?

      • I’m specialized on poverty issues. I do things to help people get out of poverty like having a living wage (earned income tax credit), infrastructure jobs, children getting proper education/healthcare/food, childcare so that mom can work, savings incentives for poor people…

        Having a heckuva time with this with the current crop of Republicans. Much of this used to be bi-partisan until billionaire libertarians commandeered the Republican party.

      • What can we do? The general public other than call our representatives? Is there anything else additionally to it that can be done?

      • In a businessplace the boss can fire you. In politics you’re hired and fired by the people who elect you. So I think the culture needs to change, but that all this publicity is helping in that regard. Otherwise, they can get pressure from party leadership.

  5. This reminds me of an episode of a talk show on YouTube that I watched the other day about Charlie Rose being fired after sexual harassment allegations. The male host asked whether interpersonal communication between two coworkers (i.e. a text message asking to hang out) could now be interpreted as sexual misconduct. His co-host immediately responded saying that that’s just not a fair statement. It’s like saying white people are afraid to talk to black people because it’s even more pronounced now that racism exists and it’s bad. It’s just a cop-out. It’s really very simple – don’t be racist. Don’t be a sexual harasser!

    As far as a “witch hunt,” I sure hope we clean house in the film industry, and in every industry. I could care less if sexual assault perpetrators are fearful. Stay fearful, the truth will always find a way of revealing itself, and now, there’s no more hiding. In clearing out these predators, I hope the culture changes as well, and that Hollywood isn’t just firing people just to make the drama and negative publicity go away. I think it’s important to stay passionate and listen to victims as they come forward, and actively working towards equal, professional, and comfortable environments in the workplace.

    • It’s amazing to me that a lot of men can’t figure out that inviting someone to hang out is different from the bullet points above. Golden rule: how would you like to be treated?

  6. Yeah, I don’t see what is so hard about understanding what these men did to women and how id DOESN’T affect you at all. What they did was extremely gross and inappropriate. You shouldn’t be afraid to approach someone because you think your actions might come off as you sexually assaulting them. As long as you aren’t doing what the article lists you should be fine. Like everyone who commented before me just have respect for women and people in general.
    I wonder how someone in a higher position would actually approach someone that works with him or her. I feel like now it would be a much tougher on a guy approaching a female co-worker than a female approaching a male co-worker. I guess it kind of makes sense to why people are asking questions about how to ask someone out now. People probably see asking someone out now as almost some kind of ultimatum. At least with people who have some kind of power.

  7. Sometimes there are things that might be mistaken for sexual

  8. If I ask a girl out and we are suddenly on a date, how am I supposed to make a move on her post-Weinstein? Just asking for all the socially awkward people out there.

    • The things some men worry about seem so obvious. The bullet points I list are just obvious, right? I’m guessing you have enough sense to not do any of those things.

      So you go on a date and maybe hold her hand. She accepted the date so that’s probably a safe move. If she rejects you hand, don’t hold it (and it’s probably not a good match). When you say goodbye you can say something like, “I would really like to kiss you,” And see what her reaction is. Does she smile, seem pleased…

      Otherwise, see this article:

      Yes means Yes: Consent is Sexy
      https://broadblogs.com/2014/09/29/yes-means-yes-consent-is-sexy/

  9. Unbelievable…. that this guys had the courage to do such stupidity….

  10. The fact that this guy is asking how he is supposed to court women post all of these accusations of sexual assault in Hollywood and most corporations demonstrates the deep gap of mistrust which has formed itself between men and women in today’s society. It seems to me that many men need to understand that this distrust was not created by women, for a majority of women have formed an ill opinion and sense of wariness around most men and for good reason. Men have always mistreated women and so now, the punishment for such cruelty and disrespect is itself harshly punished. All that men need to do is treat women in the dating seen with consensual respect; always asking for permission instead of asking for forgiveness later. At the same time however, some women have taken this current switch in cultural dominance to punish men.

    Not longer than 4 weeks ago, a woman I was speaking to at a bar became very upset with me when I refused to buy her and her friend a drink because I wasn’t going to be drinking myself. She called me a selfish, sexist individual for the refusal and assumed that I thought I was better than her. I kept a level head and walked away from the encounter. I think that’s the trick here, sticking up for women’s rights and walking away from those who would frame you with lies. If men did just that, there wouldn’t be cause to accuse them of much.

    • Thanks for making these important points. It makes no sense that you should have to pay for someone’s drink if you believe in equality. Equality would be men and women equally purchasing drinks for each other.

  11. love your blog..

    following your blog from now on..do follow back please:)

  12. Here is my takeaway on this piece. Once again, your narrative is clearly anti male. But, as you are a modern feminist, that is to be expected,

    Let’s look at the men who have been accused of sexual misconduct. I want to focus exclusively on those men whom I regard as heterosexual. If you look at these men, they are all what I consider to be unattractive (though high status) men. Further, a few of them are actually male feminist. Whether it is Louis CK, Al Franken, Roy Moore, etc. Most of these men are unattractive. As such, most women do not want to be with them. They will gladly use them for their own purposes. But, sex is NOT one of them.

    What this really says is that women do NOT want this kind of attention from weak, unattractive, “beta male” type men. So, it is really not so much about their behavior per se. Rather, it is the type of man exhibiting this sort of behavior. If David Beckham were in a room with a woman then suddenly took out his cock and started masturbating, the vast majority of women would NOT find HIS behavior offensive.

    This sort of logic and thinking on the part of women is seriously flawed. It is akin to a good looking woman breaking the law versus a not so good looking woman breaking the law. They both are law breakers. So, you cannot give a pass to one because she is good looking. But, today women are doing exactly this silly thing. While simultaneously yelling at the top of their lungs about “equality.” Really. How about treating all men equally? Maybe that would give your argument some moral credibility.

    Most men are deemed unattractive and hence creeps. As such, any action by your typical man is now viewed as “creepy” by most women. I have never seen a woman refer to a good looking man as “creepy.” He could be a criminal and most women would still give him a free pass. Why look at how criminal defense attorneys seek to stack their jury with as many women as possible, especially if the defendant is an attractive man.

    My point is women cannot and must not be the sole arbiters of what is good and bad behavior. Nor should women solely determine what is offensive behavior by men. Why? Because, there is a clear bias on the part of women towards attractive men. Bill Clinton is a prime example. Even with evidence and large settlements paid to his accusers, most women flatly refuse to think he is a pig. This is how women would apply things based on their thinking.

    This is the fundamental difference between men and women. As I have stated on many occasions, women are not nearly as concerned about matters such as equality (only as it pertains to THEM), justice, morality, liberty, etc. You are just not. If I am wrong, please prove me wrong. Leaving this solely up to women is unfair and unequal to not just men but to society. Our laws and moral codes cannot be based upon attraction. All men (and women) are equal before the law. Men believe this to be true. Most women do not.

    • Really?! You think this advice is anti-male. Then you have a warped notion of what a good man is.

      It doesn’t some so complicated to me. Like this:

      Don’t meet a woman while wearing an open bathrobe — or anything like that, a la Harvey Weinstein.
      Don’t grab a woman’s breasts or rub your erection up against her, a la Mark Halperin.
      No crotch-groping, a la Kevin Spacey and Donald Trump
      Don’t proposition 14-year-olds, a la Roy Moore
      Don’t ask a woman to watch you masturbate, a la Louis C.K.
      Don’t keep pushing for sex when she says she’s not interested.
      Don’t suggest her career will be ruined if she doesn’t have sex with you.
      Be aware of power differentials that can leave women fearing retribution if they refuse or if they complain about sexual harassment.
      Don’t sleep with your step-daughter.

      Otherwise, attractive powerful men have been accused of sexual harassment too, including Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Charlie Rose…

      It’s a question of being treated respectfully.

  13. “how does a man ask a woman out post-Weinstein?”
    Really? I would think that all the scandals have made it very clear that that is not how women like to be treated. But apparently men are victims too here, poor guys, they’re afraid of women now.

  14. The fact that this is even an article, is pretty disgusting. What has happened to our society that we have to put in structure rules about how to properly conduct one’s self when it comes to interacting with females. One would think that these rules would be common sense, but to the perverted and those with every disregard for women, these rules have to be explicitly defined. Never in my life that I think it was acceptable to even touch someone without their consent let alone grab their genitals or other private parts! As a society, I think it is important for us to maintain safe spaces and report any and everyone that has defied and intentionally overstepped such laws and personal spaces before we lose all sense of ourselves in terms on respect for one another in our society.

  15. it seems crazy but also don’t trick fans into threesome’s ala Sly Stallone style. my advice to anyone who are confused how to ask a women out now is “best you don’t ” ☺😎☺

  16. How Does A Man Ask Out A Woman Post-Weinstein

    This in fact shouldn’t even be a question. Men should always respect a woman and her beliefs and values. Many men are belittled when they are turned down after they ask a woman out. A woman doesn’t have to always say yes to a man just to be nice. If a woman is not interested, she is simply not interested. Respectfully declining a date is more than sufficient. When men are in a powerful position they very often see themselves as more than other men which automatically gets to their head suggesting that anyone would be lucky to go on a date with them. When a woman with a less powerful position declines a man of this type this is where very often the abusive pressure comes about. Very often men are super obsessed and over pressure woman on going out with them. Constantly pressuring woman for sex is only going to push them further away. The only way to gain a woman’s interest and respect is by not pressuring and letting everything go at it’s own pace.

  17. How does a man ask a woman out post-Weinstein? That is not a hard question, the answer is to ask with respect and consideration for the woman and situation. By respect for the situation I mean if you are in a position of power, for example all of these Hollywood stars being outed as predators, wait until the woman is in an equal position or until they are not working for/with you so then power doesn’t influence their response. By being respectful and treating women as humans, there won’t be the “witch hunt” Woody Allen suggests will happen. The only reason why there will be a “witch hunt” is that those “witches” are actually sex offenders, rapists, molester’s, pedophiles, or any other predator. There should be a “witch hunt” to free Hollywood from the exploitation of power causing sexual abuse. This wave of outcry is bringing justice to the all of the victims, it does not affect how men are supposed to ask out women, asking out a woman never involved physically, visually, verbally, or implicitly harassing them. If not doing any of these actions hinder’s asking someone out, then you aren’t asking them out, you’re harassing and/or assaulting them.

  18. Yeah seems or you’d think should be pretty obvious. Let’s add Steven Seagal to that list. That guy is such a piece of shit. I’m not surprised about the allegations on him with multiple sexual harassments considering this dirt bag in know to have beat up his ex wives or girl friends. Basically a serial woman beater, so if a man doesn’t give a shit about women, you think he cares if he sexually harasses her or assaults her. He’s also known to be very difficult on the set and just an asshole. The dude works for Russia now or something….why am I not surprised about that either now.

  19. Don’t tell her it’s a business meeting, that can only be her and you. In a hotel. Late in the evening.
    Don’t have pimps tell the same thing. And bring her to the “meeting”. And get pissed off when the Victim. I mean date, refuses to have the “meeting” alone.

    It’s all summed up in the Wil Wheaton Rule: Don’t be a dick.

    • Good additions!

      Love the summation 🙂

      • “So how do you explain Paula Jones? Women don’t like jerks any more than men like jerks.”

        I don’t need to explain it. You were the one who argued that the behavior of Harvey Weinstein if done by Bill Clinton to woman would most likely be consensual. Right?

        So, what you were really saying was that it really is not the specific action of the man. Rather it is the man behind the action. If Harvey Weinstein it is bad. If it is Bill Clinton or George Clooney then it is acceptable.

      • No. I said it as easier for men like Clinton to get consensual sex because he fits what our society says is attractive in a man. Good looking and powerful. That doesn’t mean he can behave in an offensive manner and that’s ok. Even if you’re attractive and powerful there are disrespectful ways of behaving that are offensive. See list above. That includes Clinton, Clooney, Spacey, Trump etc.

    • Women love dicks. You just have to be a William Jefferson Clinton dick or perhaps a Tom Brady dick. Hey, then it is ALL consensual.

      • So how do you explain Paula Jones? Women don’t like jerks any more than men like jerks.

        You’re getting too hostile so I only approved one of your comments and I edited this one.

  20. Don’t really understand how any of this would change how a man would ask a woman out, or vice versa. For most of us your bullet points are common sense.

  21. My first thought upon seeing that title was “just ask”. It’s not very difficult. You open your mouth, use your vocal chords and form words that go something like “Would you like to go on a date/have dinner with me/see a movie/grab a coffee with me?” Then the person you want to go out with you usually says either “yes” or “no”.

    If you are in a position of power over the person you are interested in, don’t. The reason the military has strict rules against dating between officers and non-officers is because they know it is easy to abuse such power.

  22. Yes, as you say, a lot of this stuff is just common courtesy and common sense. It reminds me of something ironic I’ve noticed quite a bit online over the last few years: guys who’re convinced there’s an epidemic of “false rape accusations” ruining men’s lives nowadays, yet who also preach that “a real man never takes ‘No’ for an answer”[*]. Geez, I wonder where all those “false” rape accusations are coming from? Truly a mystery for the ages!

    Re your point about power differentials making many women too scared to report sexual harassment in the workplace, some years ago I used to lurk on a blog called “Roissy in DC”, whose creator had, in hindsight, some pretty skeevy views on women (though he often came across as more of a lovable rogue than an actual predator). Anyway, his blog attracted a lot of individuals with some decidedly retrograde views towards women as well, though there was one guy who used to comment on it whose views were too extreme even for most of the other regulars. Some Norwegian guy called Eivind Berge, he believed that any woman working for a male boss should understand and accept that one of the conditions of her job (unless her contract specifically stated otherwise) would be having sex with her employer whenever he demanded it. Anyway, as I said, this was going a bit too far even for many of the other regular commenters, who promptly called him out on his BS (that said, given what a sewer said blog has since degenerated into, his ideas would probably get a much warmer reception there today!).

    Re Roy Moore, I’ve sort of been following his story with morbid fascination. Thankfully, where I live (Australia), our elected representatives aren’t *quite* as unhinged as a lot of the ones in your part of the world seem to be (thankfully, any politician seeking election here doesn’t have to reassure voters how much he loves JEEEEEZUS to have a hope of being voted into office); that said, some of them are starting to show disturbing theocratic tendencies. I saw an item on Roy Moore on the news here tonight, and I was stunned by how many Alabamians said they were still going to vote for him, despite the revelations he’s pretty much a child molester. Freaking hell! Some people are beyond help!

    [*]Many of these same individuals also seem to be paranoid about something called “creep-shaming”, which, to hear them talk about it, is some gross violation of men’s human rights that Amnesty International really ought to look into one of these days. Yet – surprise, surprise – many of those that go on about this supposed great evil admit to acting in a decidedly stalkerish and creepy manner themselves!

    • “I’ve noticed quite a bit online over the last few years: guys who’re convinced there’s an epidemic of “false rape accusations” ruining men’s lives nowadays, yet who also preach that “a real man never takes ‘No’ for an answer””

      Exactly.

      And the Alabamans make you wonder what’s wrong with them.

  23. Yes, exactly. It is not that complicated.

  24. sexual harassment is somewhat of a broad term. lately I’ve been a stickler for trying to avoid even getting too close even if consent is given. Consent being the operative word. You hear stories where women are raped and the perpetrator maintains that the contact was consentual when in reality it wasn’t I know for a fact that the minute I meet a woman I’m not just going to ask to feel her face to see what she looked like although admittedly I have done that with consent of course but ordinarily I wouldn’t I would most certainly wait until enough trust has been built up. But as we all know sexual harassment isn’t just about touching or groping it’s words too in the way of jybes and sexually explicit comments and images displayed along with text messages If I was going to ask a girl out, being that I can’t see and going on the voice. Some women can sound extremely young by their voice even if they’re in their 20’s or 30’s but it’s said that to ask a woman’s age is considered rude. I’m going off topic here but there are elements here that do fit.

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