RoSo’s Story of Sex-Positivity
So far I have found a few things that distinguish women who experience more sex-negativity and sexual dysfunction. They — and in my youth I would count myself among them — are more likely to:
- Worry that God will punish them for their sexuality
- Have sex-negative parents
- Have sex-negative friends
- If they are slut-shamed by their peers they feel deeply “wrong” and shameful
- They refrain from learning about their sexuality and what works for them
RoSo is a straight 24-year-old woman of East Asian descent. Here is her story:
Sex is natural — and pleasurable
Around the age of six or seven I walked in on my parents when they were having sex. I didn’t understand what they were doing but I think partly because of that experience, when I got older I thought of sex as just something that people do. It’s just a human thing.
Plus, when I was around 12 I was playing with the family computer and found some porn that my dad had been looking at. I thought it was hot. The women’s bodies were really arousing and I was really turned on in my genitals (but I didn’t understand what that was). That was another thing that made sex seem like a normal, and very pleasurable, thing that people do.
My parents were not sex-negative
My parents never talked to me about sex. But they didn’t say anything negative about it either. In fact, I still live at home while I’m going to school and sometimes my boyfriend and I have sex in my bedroom and my mom is fine with that. She’s even bought me sexy lingerie! I’ve never really gotten any negative feelings from her about sexuality. I know that she loves me for who I am.
God didn’t “tell me” that sex was bad
I did go to a Christian School but my parents just wanted me to go to a school where would learn to be a good person. My parents didn’t believe in God and they didn’t teach me to believe in God either. And I don’t remember the school saying anything negative about sex.
I explored my sexuality
I was open to exploring sexuality. As a kid my friends and I would touch each other because we were trying to understand what it was and how it worked. When I was 12 years old a boy and I were touching each other and he ejaculated right away. It kind of shocked me and I figured I wasn’t ready for sex yet.
But I did lose my virginity when I was pretty young. I was only 14 and it was not a good experience. In fact, that was my worst sexual experience ever. He had a really large penis. That hurt!
And then I had my first boyfriend we were together for four years, from age 14 to 18. We were together until I graduated from high school and we explored sexuality together.
It was romantic. My astrological sign is Cancer and we are romantic. So it was very loving. And I felt like he totally accepted me. Sometimes I worried about how my body looked but he would tell me, “Oh, don’t worry about it. You’re beautiful! Just take off your clothes.” So I felt really secure and comfortable with him.
I was slut-shamed and it made me bitter
I was very cool about sex and I was also very interested in exploring sexuality with my boyfriend. But even though we were together for four years we were young and we both had sex with other people, too.
But by the time I got to high school I was slut-shamed all the time, which left me bitter. I didn’t feel bad about myself and my sexuality but I was really angry at the people who attacked me.
Editors note: I find it interesting that this shaming didn’t seem to repress her sexuality. Maybe it’s because she had such an early and sustained sense of sex as a positive, natural human expression. Plus exploring her body early and getting to know it, and then constantly reinforcing those pleasurable feelings through experience could protect her from harm from future shaming. Instead of feeling bad about herself she thought her peers were jerks.