How to Find Love After Divorce [9 Tips]
By Christian Denmon
Ending a marriage is the most difficult period in an individual’s life. Finding love again for the second time can be more complex than the first time. Just like death, divorce requires grieving the loss of a loved one, before we begin dating again. Skipping this crucial process may bring complications when a divorced couple tries to get back into the dating scene again.
It’s important to find some quiet time in solitude to comprehend the breakup regardless of who initiated it. Perfect activities to keep the mind off the loss cycle include:
- Community work
All these activities provide a new way of perceiving the new life ahead. Whichever healing methods estranged couples pick, they should reconnect with their inner spirit and feel good from the inside before they begin to search for new love.
Tips to Finding A Good Partner After Divorce
It is important to release the personal heartbreak or consider going for marriage counselling before delving into a new relationship. Below is a compilation of useful suggestion and ideas to adopt before we move into a new relationship.
1. Love is Timeless
Divorce experts concur that once a couple separates, there’s no particular time granted to heal and move on to the next relationship. They should not try to find a middle ground or prescribe to “healing goals, or time frames.” It does not work that way. Understanding this will help them in coping with divorce.
Divorced men and women should not rush into temporary rebounds to fill their loneliness. Getting ready to date depends on the attachment to the previous relationship.
If they feel empty and ready to date again, that’s awesome, if not, they should hold back and address those feelings first.
Some folks believe that after a divorce, it is hard to commit to a second marriage based on their experiences. This weak mentality should not prevent them from moving on into happy, fulfilling relationships. True love and happiness is a choice. Give it time; it does not matter how long.
2. Maintaining a Healthy Relationship with an Ex-Partner
In most cases, divorce often affects children involved in the just concluded marriage. Separation legal tussles may take a toll on everyone involved if not handled properly.
What is important here is that they should show some sense of respect to their children, since both still participate in their lives in the new separation environment.
Make it easy for the children by keeping the relationship cordial and pleasant for the sake of the kids. Let the kids know that they can rely on either parent without disagreements and constant verbal fights.
3. Online Dating Works
Nowadays online dating is no longer a place for young singles to mingle and have fun. Many people have found admirable partners through online dating. When we find a soul mate, distance does not matter.
Divorcees don’t have to worry about opening up in the initial stages of getting to know one another.
The dating platforms have a pool of thousands of eligible partners looking for love and companionship. It provides an excellent opportunity for introverts, skeptical people to try their chances without the tedious physical meet and greet, and dinner dates.
Busy individuals can chat right in the middle of their tight schedules and take off from where they left off, without feeling guilty. Serious online dating gives us a wider scope to “fish” for as long as we like until the perfect person comes along.
4. Find Love through Hobbies
Another excellent way to find suitable potential partners to fill the void in our lives is through hobbies. Pick activities that involve the outdoors or that require meeting other people. Attend concerts, visit art galleries or join a local fun karaoke club.
Do anything we love within the community that will have us mingle with potential singles. It’s easier for people to meet and attract those that they share common interests.
5. Trust Friends Who Mean Well
Our friends understand best what we go through in the middle of our storms. A few trusted friends will try to hook us up with potential friends and family members just to cheer us and help us move on after divorce. Don’t try to fight it or keep off matchmakers.
A blind date organized by someone close to us provides a great distraction to experience new friendships that may develop into something deeper when given time to blossom.
6. Stop Looking at the Past
Digging through the past doesn’t help at all. It hurts and delays progress, making us feel trapped in a place that we would rather not stay. After a breakup, try to get rid of anything that reminds us of the past relationship. It will not be easy but gather up the courage to get rid of things such as:
- Old photos
- Facebook accounts
- Twitter/Instagram Accounts
- Old clothes and personal items
- Anything else shared with an ex-partner
- Lie low for a while if necessary, choose the future, accept it, and embrace it.
7. Rejection Hurts
Fear of rejection among divorced couples prevents them from moving on. There is always the feeling of what if it doesn’t work? Every opportunity to meet someone is a risk in itself. Stop trying to fill in the gaps with mindless perceptions.
If it’s meant to be it will work, if not, we have another chance to try again, but this time to date consciously, more carefully since we don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.
8. Define What Works and What Doesn’t In the Next Relationship
Finding love from a divorced angle provides a perfect chance to see through potential complications since we are aware of what we don’t want this time round.
If we find a man or woman with the same traits, for example, they drink too much, or work late into the night, we already know it is a red flag, and it will not work. Set boundaries and define what is acceptable and what is not.
9. Be Open to Experience New Love
Some people find it tedious to balance parenthood and to find new love. It can only happen if we let it be. Schedule dates and get involved, allow the moment to settle in the bones and begin to date again. Dating is fun and happiness.
If someone makes us happy in the middle of our next to impossible lives, go for it and don’t hold back. Avoid high expectations though, keep up with the current hustles of kids (if any) and work.
Let love find us at our most peaceful place, a place of enjoyment and fulfillment. Experience love by allowing dating moments the time it deserves.
It’s Okay to Start Dating After Divorce
Divorced singles, may not find it easy getting back into the dating game because of the baggage they may carry long after the divorce conclusion. Sometimes work, and parenting takes precedence of all other activities, and that’s normal.
However, it’s possible to find love again if we know where to look, and stay committed to a new life of dating once more. We must also learn to embrace our mistakes, forgive, and have the courage to start dating again.
Remarriage may seem a long shot off our radar after a painful divorce. However, remember, we have to remain positive and realize that we will meet far better people than our ex-partners. We have a chance to find love and happiness again and do it right this time.
Christian Denmon is the Founding Partner of Denmon & Denmon, A Personal Injury, Divorce, and Criminal Defense Law Firm.
firstname.lastname@example.org | http://denmon.lawyer
You might be interested in the Coping With Divorce Guide
Posted on January 8, 2018, in reproductive rights and tagged Christian Denmon, divorce lawyers, Finding Love After Divorce, relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 42 Comments.
I found a lot of the advice in this post to be handy, even for people who have never been married, this post offers excellent suggestions. I know the healing process contains many stages but for those who are unfamiliar with the stages can undoubtedly follow the tips mentioned in this post. I completely agree with a person needing to grieve and heal first before they insert themselves into the dating scene again. Someone who has not found peace with what happened in their past is in no way, ready to move on. Another recommendation I found interesting was tip #5 “Trust Friends who Mean Well.” I believe a healthy mindset starts with who you choose to surround yourself with, having good people around you can contribute to your mental health positive way. The healing process is a difficult process, and it is something no one should have to do alone, so why not surround yourself with people have your best interest at heart. Another tip worth mentioning is to “stop looking at the past.” I have witnessed some nasty breakups in my time; the worst are the breakups that last longer than they should because one or both parties can’t seem to let it go. The most common thing I see among people who have recently split is the need to keep the breakup relevant. People who rant to everyone about the recent split often take longer to move on by holding onto the heartbreak, it’s just like reopening a scab, and it’s a painful way to heal if you ask me.
Divorce to me is the same thing as a bad breakup without all the “legal documents” that are submitted. I have witnessed my mother get a divorce from my father leaving her to be a single mother and I have gone through a bad break up and left a single mother. Being able to find love again is definitely hard because women more than men tend to blame themselves for their marriage/relationship failing, they feel like it’s something they may have done for things not to work between their spouse and themselves. There are other marriages/relationships that end on a good note where both partners feel they are better friends then lovers because they grew apart. Regardless of what it may be both genders should find time for themselves like the blog said, “it’s important to find some quiet time in solitude to comprehend the breakup regardless of who initiated it”. A break up is never easy because both parties were around each other for so long getting back into the dating game is still freshly new. Taking time to re love yourself and finding inner peace to be able to move forward should be the focus. Jumping into a new relationship after a divorce is just taking all the negativity from your old relationship into a new one. Once you love yourself and are at peace one can be able to experience love again, it’s never a rush to find love but always take your time because you never know where you can meet a person or who you may have a great connection with.
I loved this article. I am divorced and took some time after to work on me. I did go to therapy the year prior to when we split and a bit after the split to help with personal strength. I pretty much did all the things you talked about, which is why I love your article. It kind of makes me feel like I made the right decisions. I was going to school and working 50+ hours and raising three kids while we were getting divorced, so I didn’t have a lot of time to get into another relationship. I wasn’t looking either. I enjoyed the extra time with my family that I was made to feel guilty for wanting. Life was great. My ex struggled a bit, which still baffles me, because he was such a narcissistic ass, that it felt like he hated me the last couple years we were married. As time went on, things chilled and we both made our own lives. I ended up finding someone when I wasn’t looking. He is the complete opposite of my ex. He’s calm, patient, sweet and chivalrous. I think when getting out of a not so good marriage, counseling is a good idea, so you don’t bring the baggage into the new relationship.
I really enjoyed reading this article. There were a lot of helpful tips when dealing with the break up or divorce. What stuck out to me the most was understanding that the separation of a loved one through divorce or separation was equal to losing a love one by death. I can agree that we all need time to heal no matter who may have initiated the break up. I am a firm believer that when someone breaks off a relationship- myself included, we need time to learn who we are again. Sometimes in long term relationships we may pick up that other persons habits and way of doing things weither good or bad, and carry them into our next relationship- which may be unhealthy or not fair to the other party. This is why we all need to Grieve in our self time and space before involving ourselves with someone else. This was a great read and very informative.
After reading this, I personally have never been through a divorce, but I was in the middle of the divorce with my parents constantly fighting all the time. I think this very helpful for divorced couples who are going through a tough time of healing. These tips can help people get through it mentally and physically. I went through for about 4 years of my high school life, I can’t denied that it didn’t affect me emotionally because I would go to school with a smile on my face, where my friends did not know that I was going through that in my life unless I told them. No one in my family experienced a divorce until my parents went through, I wasn’t sad they were going to split because I knew personally growing up they not go along, they always fought on and off. I think reading through the tips can actually help someone or for me personally if I was going through it back then.
It was really interesting reading this blog because although this is a blog about divorce, these tips can also be applied to trying to find love after a romantic relationship ending as well. Such as finding new love through hobbies, stop looking at the past, and trust that your friends mean well. After a romantic relationship ends, most of the time the break up is not mutual. One person is going to be hurt and needs to trust that everything happens for a reason. Trust that your close friends are going to get you through this and help you move on. It is very important to stop looking at the past and what could have, should have, or would have worked. Begin looking for new hobbies, new beginnings, and new relationships you can form through various commonalities among people. Divorce does add many other dimensions such as legal constrains, children (if any), and family complications. However, divorce is another form of a romantic relationship ending as well and healing needs to be the first thing that happens.
When I hear statistics about divorce these days, I often wonder why everyone takes it as a negative thing. I really don’t think that separating from someone for the better for both individuals is a bad thing. People are living much, much longer than a century ago, I’m not sure if we are “meant” to spend our entire lives with one person. This is especially true for people who meet someone at a young age such as high school or college. We grow as people so much in those years, how can we expect our partners to grow in the exact same direction or want the same things after 40 or 50 years? This is not to say long marriages don’t work; they do for some people. However, people who are unable to do so shouldn’t be shamed. In California, it’s even more than 50%, and we need to realize that the process is hard enough without the stigma from society. This is true for people who cohabit but aren’t married, too. It’s time we start changing with our ever-changing environment and accept that people are finding happiness in non-traditional ways, and that’s okay.
This topic about how to find love after divorce was very interesting to me. Not because of the tips, that I thought were wonderful, but for the advice about grieving the divorce. When I finally got divorced, I had already been through the grieving process. As a matter of fact, I had been ready for years. This was not news to my ex-husband and yet, he was still not ready to give up the marriage. Without going through too much detail, he had a gambling problem that he could not give up, not even for us. I grieved not just for the loss of the relationship, especially because we shared a child together, but I also grieved for the loss of the relationships with his family that I adored, and our mutual friends. I also grieved for what will never be. For example, I saw into the future, A life that did not include shared special events such as our son’s graduation from college, his marriage and also grandchildren that we would share but not in quite the same way. It took me years to finally say that I was willing to give that up for happiness and a fulfilling life without my ex-husband. I just wanted to add too, that sometimes the right person comes along and it’s okay to move on. I met my husband right before my divorced was finalized and I thought this is embarrassing, “the ink hasn’t dried yet” kind of feeling, but I knew he was special, and I could not wait because others had not gone through the grieving of my divorce when I certainly had. We have been together now for twenty years.
I have never been married before, nor close to it. I am only nineteen, but I found myself agreeing to this message after seeing my mother get a divorce.I really think this article provided great advice because ending a marriage with someone who has became your other half is difficult. Although my parents are divorced, they still show signs of loving each deeply. I like how you said parents should be cordial for the kids sake. I think this is important because when a kids see how their parents treat each other, it can make a good or bad influence on them. Many kids take divorce very hard so parents should try to be friends. No one ever wants to get a divorce, but when it is to a point where it is ruining your happiness and it is unbearable, you have to look out for yourself and put yourself first.
Although I have never faced a life changing shift such as a divorce, I find these 9 tips to also have a big impact on daily life. I have been with the same girl in my life for a very long time, 8 years to be exact. At a very young age tips such as “stop digging in the past” and “trust friends who mean well” have a strong presence nowadays. After being with someone for so long things do tend to fall apart, fit back into place, and fall out for what seems like the rest of a relationship. Learning how to forgive, forget, and move on are some of the hardest things to open your eyes to. Reassuring yourself that there are other fish in the sea, also comes with the thought that there is also a lot of waste in the sea. Becoming optimistic during times of sadness is often a strange subject to some. The tip of trusting friends who mean well has the biggest impact and I believe strongest tip, as for some friends may be all that you have. And friends that are there to lend a shoulder for you to lean on is great.
I have been through three/four divorces in my life right in the beginning of my life. When I was three months old my mom found out my dad was cheating on her, and they got a divorce. Then they both got remarried to new people by the time I was four years old. My dad married his mistress. My mom married a friend of a friend. Both marriages ended by the time I was ten, within a year of each other. My mom has now learned her lesson on marrying too soon and is currently engage to a friend from high school. They’ve been together for eight years, engaged for two. She is taking her time and making sure everything is right. My dad is still searching. They did a lot of the things you suggested like being cordial for the kids, being open to new things, and knowing that it takes time to find what you want.
This post really hit home with me. My sister as well as my best friend have both gone through divorces within the last 2 years and it’s been a whole new ballgame. I do believe that everyone has their own timing, as difficult as it is to understand and agree with at times we all operate at different paces. My sister’s divorce was finalized in July of 2016 and she already had a new boyfriend by August 2016. I of course didn’t agree considering she just got out of a 10 year marriage and has 5… yep 5 kids! She has been in a downward spiral since. The divorce was 100% her choice and her initiative but somehow she landed belly up. I do think though that for her she needs someone, something to work toward. That makes her happy so although I think her moving on to dating was way too fast I do recognize that perhaps that’s what she needs. I think the best thing to do is listen to yourself and determine why you feel the need to do what you do when you do it after divorce. I am very impressed with the relationship my sister has with her ex. They are very cordial and never cause turmoil for the kids which is very cool and so important!
There absolutely is hope and love to be found after divorce! My friend who recently got divorced also moved on quickly but has been in a very happy relationship for 10 months after a 15 year terribly sad marriage. It was totally unexpected and happened way quicker than she wanted it to but it did and she’s rolling with the punches and embracing what comes next. Dating can be really hard after being married and away from the scene.
It’s hard to leave the familiar, safe territory and put yourself out there. This post is great. I’m not married or divorced but I have had my heartbroken and have had to unexpectadly cope and move on. I find this comforting and motivating for those looking to begin again.
I have never been married or divorced but I have been through a broken relationship. I do agree that you can find love after divorce. I have no yet myself but I did find that I have done some of the tips that were stated in this blog and it has helped. Also, through the tips of this blog I have learned that I could have done more to relieve my distress at the time. For example, I could have kept my friends closer as a good and healthy distraction. Individuals generally tend to isolate themselves after a divorce to mourn their loss which is acceptable. However as tip #6 states, “Lie low for a while if necessary, choose the future, accept it, and embrace it.” Therefore, it is acceptable but only for a temporary amount of time until you eventually have to accept it. I understand that it may be hard to find someone after divorce with the same interests as you, that’s why I agree with tip #4 (Find Love through Hobbies). Putting yourself out into the community and doing things that you enjoy with others may put you in parallel paths with a potential partner. Overall, I’m glad to hear that there is hope for divorcees.
My parents are going through a divorce right now after 21 year of marriage. My dad went down the serial dating route while my mom went down the serial drinking and depression route. Neither of which are healthy. My mom can barely stand to be in the same room as my dad now. This made my high school graduation and my best friend’s graduation supremely awkward and forced. I graduated from boarding school, so it was only me. All of the focus was on me and my parents. Everyone knew our situation, which seemed to make it worse. My dad wants to have a healthy “co-parent” relationship with her, rather than “I love you WIFE” or a “I hate you EX-WIFE”. He wants to be able to be there as her friend. My mom is coming to terms with it slowly and has completely isolated herself and has found her new favorite people, Stella Artois and Foster’s. She moved into a new apartment last October and is still unpacking eight months later. My dad is dating every woman possible. He wants to be with someone who makes him happy. He finally got off that route and is working on himself. Both ways have been very hard for me to watch, but at least my dad is working on him. I can only hope my mom does the same.
i feel that can be love after divorce, but again each circumstances is different. i feel the options given reading, biking etc. are helpful. you need to get back out there and put yourself on the horse again. I feel like as women we tend to feel very emotional, so that tends to be weakness instead of putting on our party dress and getting the friends together and just have great night. one of the things i see now is people having a divorce parties. Its actually a thing, i was good for you. Because i can only imagine what that must feel like, but i have never experienced for myself.
But if i had divorce i would definitely do some of these things. And i would definitely have party and celebrate myself with friends.
The article above would be a great start not only for divorcees but for their children as well, the potential divorcees.My parents are divorced and they managed to built warm relationships afterwards. Therefore, if I will be reaching fully positive maniac feeling and will decide to marry someone I will not be afraid to face the phrase :”things didn’t work out”. Due to my childhood experience i was provided an example of a happy end no matter what are the choices of the two. However, I find the tips above very useful not only for people with experience but for the ones who are currently in the game. Almost, every tip includes self development in some sort of way. Either it is yoga or community engagement activity. Therefore, encouraging people to be social and do things.I highly support the idea of self development. Moreover, I think one of the secrets of a happy life is to take journey or make a goal to expand the abilities which person is given. In addition, I believe in saying “you attract what you do.” That’s said person will have higher chances to meet other half if he/she will not focus on being lonely instead will try to enjoy some time alone.
I am not with experience and have never been in the shoes of divorcee but what I realized as a child of divorcees that people should evolve individually. Any sort of “evolution” or development make people interesting therefore making it easy to built consistency of liking one another.
This post by Christian Denmon resonates with me a lot. Although I have never married or divorced, my mother and my father separated when I was very young, when I was about 6 in 2002. For a very long time, my mom did not see anyone and did not pursue any relationships. In fact, she did not really trust many people due to what happened between her and my dad before they divorced. He would physically and emotionally abuse her, he used her social security number to commit fraud and gave it to his mistress for her to open up a credit card and max it. Although my mom would not find out about the fraud until about seven to nine years after they separated, what made my mom have a hard time trusting people was that my dad would lie a lot. He lied for just about everything and sometimes for no reason too. He was a pathological liar. He made empty promises and overall was not very trustworthy. He took a toll on my mom and for about twelve years after the separation, she finally found herself a relationship once more. This article has great advice for those seeking something of a survival guide post-divorce. I wish my mom had seen this because she kind of moved on a little too quickly with her new boyfriend, but nonetheless she is happy and I think that she definitely took time, and used her hobbies to find her love. She met her boyfriend through her politics and it went from there. She never held on to any grudges from the past of my dad, and still let him see us when he would visit, as seldom as it was. My mother, nor I, have not seen my dad in the past twelve years so I would not know how her reaction to him today would be, but I have a certain feeling it would not be with any resentment. Christian Denmon really outdid himself in this post and it was very a great read.
I have never been married or divorced. After reading this blog post, I found myself agreeing with its message. I have however been in a long-term relationship. The break up may not have been as hard as a divorce but it was still difficult to move on. I couldn’t help but think about my ex, whether it hit them as hard as it hit me or how fast they may be moving on. So much anxiety as my mind wanders and works against me. Of course, I moved on over time, looking back I realize I went about it all wrong. This article I feel has a great formula to moving on appropriately. Love IS timeless. And when I was beginning to move on, I was occupying my newly found time with tasks that were in my favor or hobbies that brought joy. Eventually I stopped dwelling on the past and look towards my future. If I had know what this article teaches back when I went through my break up, I would have probably moved on faster and easier.
I found this article to be very interesting and extremely helpful. While I obviously cannot speak from personal experience, since I’m only nineteen, I can supply my opinion based on the knowledge I’ve obtained as an aspiring future clinical psychologist. I concur that these tips are extremely useful in the progress a healthy divorce should take. Taking time to process what has happened during, and after the divorce is important. In addition, how one is personally feeling is highly valuable. In my opinion, I believe that people need a period to reflect before one can move on to the next committed relationship. I also enjoyed the concept of taking time to enjoy one’s self with the hobbies or activities they enjoy most. In addition to this, looking for new friends or people to talk to within these groups can be beneficial. Communication becomes easier when both individuals know they already have one thing in common, a.e. the hobby or activity you perform with the group.
Another aspect that I enjoy from this paper is it mentions how to combat the unhealthy mindsets that can develop after a severe breakup or divorce. For example, they mention not to focus on the past, recognize that rejection hurts but moving past the pain, and constantly keeping yourself active so that you can heal and develop more as an individual from this experience. I hope that even people who haven’t experienced a divorce get the opportunity to read this Blog, because the advice given can be applicable to many other issues people might face during a difficult relationship.
After divorce or even after long relationships it’s very hard to find confidence in yourself and believe that that’s not the end, I haven’t experienced it luckily but my best friend has. She was in relationships with a guy for 3 years and after their break up, for long time she couldn’t find herself. Tip # 2 is very good, because it would help her to recover from the break up. But I think that only on the moment of the break up, people have to make sure that they could keep friendship between and not be sharping knifes for each other. Other tip # 6 is what most of the people make a mistake on after the break up, they keep thinking of the past and how was it, realizing that it wont ever happen again, and that’s what hurts them the most. It’s important to remember that it was just one person out of billions, and your life did not end, and there is a lot more to discover in the future
I found this blog very interesting and then I wished that my mother would have had something like this when my parents divorced back in the 70’s. I really think the 9 steps shown would have helped her. It literally took my mom about 10 years to get past all of her hurts. My baby sister’s best friend from school would come over and her grandfather would come to pick her up. Well “grandpa” would sit and talk and visit with my mom. They became friends, when one day Bernie asked my mom out on a dinner date. At first, she said no, let just be friends, let’s not spoil our visits. This man was widowed and patient, a true caring gentleman, but he even reached his limit when he finally stated “I have asked you our repeatedly for several months now. – This will be the very last time I ask you so please say yes or this is goodbye and you will never see or hear from me again” Thankfully mon was smart enough to accept. It took a while but they eventually married, the friendship changed to love, they were together for 20 years when Bernie passed away.
This article provided great advice to finding happiness within oneself after a divorce. I wish my mom knew this when I was younger.
Couples divorce due to many reasons. It could be maybe they realize the differences they have was greater than they expected, maybe to protect their children or themselves, or maybe the two weren’t compatible anymore with life changing events.
I grew up with divorced parents and as a child I observed everything.
From observation, it can make one insecure about dating again with two very young children after a divorce. The fear of rejection from family, friends, and future dates. The fear of how to raise their children without a second parent. The fear of thinking it defined oneself. It can create barriers to protect themselves.
For my mom, it wasn’t physical items like photos or clothing that kept her from moving on – it was memories. It was hard for her to move on from her experience with marriage and divorce. It was also hard for her to think about dating when the only mindset she had that kept her going was to support her two daughters with whatever she can to give.
As children, we learn from parents, vice versa, parents can learn from their children too. As I got older, I understood both her struggles as a single mother and divorced individual. She needed encouragement, a gentle push to try dating again or to do the things she loved like gardening again. And to never doubt herself because she raised her daughters the best way she could without a man and nothing others can say will change that. And despite her working most of the time, she showed us great strength and endurance through her toughest times. Most importantly – to learn it does not define her as a person or as a mother.
Great post.. Love is definitely timeless and the amount of time it takes for one to move on can differ greatly from another. I have not been married myself, but after ending a 7 year relationship it took me a great deal of time to move forward and feel safe with another person. My parents divorced about 10 years ago and did not maintain a healthy relationship. As one of the children in this experience it was awful. Maintaining a healthy relationship should be a top priority if there are children involved because it has affected both myself and my brother quite negatively. Sometime after the 7 year relationship, I actually met my current girlfriend through a mutual hobby. None of us expected it to happen, but looking back it makes a lot of sense to get out to social events. I strongly agree with step 6 as well. I think we are all guilty of fining ourselves going through old pictures together or scrolling though social media accounts reminiscing and it generally doesn’t help us feel any better. Step 8 has been crucial for me and has actually made my current relationship stronger because we have talked about what we expect out of the relationship and that has helped us grow together. It’s awesome that you have laid these out for others to learn from and maybe I can pass this on to my mom D:
i felt that this very truthful in many aspects and if i were married and had a divorce. I probably use these steps to actually healing from my divorce. I feel like one of the other comments, i know what i need to heal and its process, but in the end we all want to happy in relationship. And if you end up in divorce, maybe you love will be different, but i feel that it could be better , because you have taken more time to find out what you want. Again great discussion,
That was a great read. I’ve never been married but I can’t even imagine how hard it might be to deal with the divorce especially for the person with kids.
Divorce seems to be a bigger thing that just stopping the relationships. It seems to me that it’s more about having the feeling that you failed in love; it’s also about losing shared memories and losing a hope in a great future and happiness together.
Even if the divorce(or breakup) was a mutual decision, it’s still hard, but sometimes the divorce can be pretty ugly.
No matter whether it’s the mutual decision or it was initiated by one side, the person can feel stressed and even depressed.
I know how it feels – I broke up with my ex after being in a relationship for a year and although it was my decision, it took me more then a year to heal. While I knew for sure that he clearly was not the right person for me, and I were not the right person for him, I felt miserable for a significant amount of time.
I agree that it’s important to do some work on ourselves before starting the new relationships. We should not try to fill in our loneliness with the new relationships when we are still emotionally not available. It’s not fair to our new partner, and it won’t make up happy anyway.
We need to be in peace with ourselves first – the rest, including love, will come.
For me, divorce was a war. Both sides were victims, including our child. So I chose to stay away from my home country with my daughter to start a new life in Bay Area. Two years passed, my friends and family all want me to find a new lover. At first, I said no. I told my friends that I have a child and I have a kid with a house and a car and enough money to support my life, I don’t need a man. in fact, I was tired and I don’t want any war.Time is the best medicine, I think maybe it ‘s time to try it again since I have seen a lot of people so happy in their second marriage. This article provided great advice to find love after divorce, these tips are very important and nice to me, it is very useful. For me, I don’t want to marry again because I fear rejection hurts. However, like the author said that every opportunity to meet someone is a risk in itself. Stop trying to fill in the gaps with mindless perceptions. And I know it will be more complex than my first love. But like my friends said that I have a long life and I need someone who can love me and compare with me. My kid will grow up and leave me to have her life someday. Yes, I have a chance to find love and happiness again.
I thought that this article provided great advice to finding love after divorce. However, I am only 22 years old and have not gone through a divorce. Regardless, I think that this advice can be helpful to young people who have recently gone through a break-up. All of these points are healthy pointers as to how to move on when facing the loss of someone important in your life, regardless if you were married to the person or not. I especially appreciated the pointer of not dwelling on the past. If a relationship has ended I do believe that it is extremely important to let that relationship go in order to start the grieving process. I also believe that it’s important to remain active and to not remain in an anti-social bubble for too long. The sooner one gets over the loss the sooner they can get started on finding a new partner or the sooner they can get started living a happy independent lifestyle.
I thought that this article had a lot of great advice for people who are coming out of a divorce, or just someone wanting to navigate the dating scene in a principled manor. Entering any relationship with a strong sense of ones self is a great start. I recently read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and a large portion of the book focused on online dating. It seems that it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I thought this relevant to the article because online dating can provide a clean platform for putting yourself out there with a little bit of ones story, so that you can make your requirements known. It can be a non threatening way of meeting singles who want to take dating, or building a relationship to the same level as who ever’s looking.
Even under the best of circumstances, divorce is emotionally painful; not only for the couple, but for the children too. I know this because my parents divorced when I was just starting high school and my world, as I knew, seemed to completely fall apart. My mom fell into a deep depression and never fully recovered. She did go on to find love with another man, and they married a few years later. I would like to think that she was happy – and I’m sure on some level she was – however mourning the loss of her ‘family’ was what seemed to be so devastating. I see this same thing has happened with my sister who divorced her husband (the father of her two children). She has also remarried and found love with another man – however he is not the father of her children. She continues to look back (twenty years), and wonder if she made the right choice to leave her first husband. It’s never easy to end a relationship with someone – and finding love again is definitely possible – but looking back and wondering ‘what if …’ may be the hardest part.
Such good advice, especially about the fact that there is no particular time to “bounce back” from such an occurrence. Everyone has their own timeline for healing after any sort of loss or breakup.
I met my 8-year-olds father two months after I turned eighteen, it was a blind date set up by one of my best friends. We went out, had a good time and a month later he asked me to move in with him. He is 9 years older than I am, he had his own house, car, good job and was stable. In my eyes everything was perfect, an eighteen-year-old would think that and not do her research. Young and in love I guess. I soon found out that he was married and was in the process of getting a divorce, has three children with his then soon to be ex-wife, the house wasn’t his own, and she was taking everything from him. On top of all of that, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant.
Fast forward a few months, he began going out and hiding things from me. I would get calls from friends, telling me they would see him at nightclubs with his friends and other women. The night before I went into labor I picked him up from our doorstep and carried him inside because he was drunk. When he fell into the bed, a bracelet fell out his pocket, that is when my heart broke and I knew I couldn’t take it anymore.
We broke it off when my daughter was 2 weeks old. I was hurt for a very long time, I couldn’t recognize myself. Before I met him I was this young happy strong and confident person. He broke every piece of that person I once was. A year later, and after many many drunk and regretful nights. I met my on and off bf, now 7 years later father to my 8month old son, and stepfather to my daughter. It took a while for me to get over all the hurt and betrayal but I am very blessed to have been given such a patient and loving person. It is very true that love after divorce is possible, it just requires you to embrace love again, love yourself, and be willing to love in return.
In my opinion, I believe marriage can be a beautiful thing, but some couples are unable to maintain their relationship, because they choose divorce as a solution to cope with the problems between husband and wife. Furthermore, divorce is definitely on a rise. The effects of divorce can be detrimental to a family, but the causes of divorce can be just as bad. For me this blog post is interesting because it shows another point of the positive aspects of divorce. But for me divorce is still not a solution, especially for children. The most common cause that affects a child with divorced parents is that the child may have a more stressful life. The child may have to change schools with any move that may result from the divorce. Also, if the child is not old enough to take care of himself or herself and the now single parent works, the child would probably have to start attending a child care program. A child could have to alternate between parents in different houses which is also very hard on a child. The adjustments to different settings and what days he or she is at which house can be confusing and stressful.
My parents have been divorced since I was about five years old. I do not have any memories of us being a family under one roof. I always say that I can’t even imagine them being together because they are just too different. I actually am thankful that my parents made the decision to divorce while my siblings and I were still young, because I think it saved us from the trauma we may have gone through had we been older.
According to my parents there were several issues in their marriage. One major issue was the fact that my father was a gay man and the other, my mother had an addiction to spending money any way she could. Growing up, my siblings and I never knew my father was gay, I think he shielded us from it because he wanted to protect us in a way. I still don’t know if he ever found love after my mother. He has always been such a private person. We have never seen anyone he has ever dated. I admire the way he kept his personal life private, his only focus was on raising us to be great people. My mother was the complete opposite; she couldn’t stand to be alone. While I was still living at home, I can say with confidence that she had about seven boyfriends and they always ended up moving in with us for some period of time. Unlike my father, she never put our best interest in front of her relationships. Luckily, for the last 8 years she has been in a stable, positive relationship with who I now call my step-father. I always tell him jokingly that he’s the stepfather I never wanted.
I married my high school sweetheart and got married and had a child. I waited 9 years to marry him and I knew after the fact that there was a reason I waited so long, it wasn’t meant to be. My mom had been married multiple times (6 or so, lost count along the way; I’ve convinced my self that she was a romantic and that’s why she kept getting married and divorced) and that is what I told myself is the reason why I waited so long, I didn’t want to ever get divorced. When we did finally separate after being married for 9 years, I did the online dating like in the blog post. It was hard and a challenge with a 5 almost 6 year old and I just wasn’t ready for it. I instead met someone the old fashioned way at a friends bbq and we hit it off instantly. Dating is hard after divorce and I really identified with this post and the struggles of finding love after the hurt and betrayal from the divorce but love is possible, and I am a romantic after all.
I’ve never been divorced, but my parents have. Seeing how it was for them, I could tell it was difficult. So I am writing my response based on what I witnessed my parents went through. From what I saw and still see till this day, my parents still share a genuine love for each other. It wasn’t that they stopped loving each other, it was more like life and work got in the way and they never had time to just stop and enjoy each other’s presence. Seeing their work split them up was absolutely heartbreaking because I knew that they worked so hard so that they CAN enjoy life together, eventually. Fast forward 4 years later, and they still love each other, but they’ve both moved on. My mom definitely takes advantage of online dating, and my dad does too, just not as much. There’s always that thought that divorce is never an option for someone, but there is only so much you can do until the relationship becomes unbearable. So for those people who never saw their divorce coming, this blog will definitely help the healing process not be as painful.
Ending a marriage must be very difficult and not to mention the emotional damage that it can also cause on children, if any. Maintaining a cordial and healthy relationship with your ex I think is of most importance, this shows that are you are a mature person. And yes, don’t hold a grudge, do forgive because this will do you more good to the forgiver than the one being forgiven. Learn from your mistakes…???—but what if you feel that it wasn’t your fault? No one wants to recognize that they were wrong (specially me!) but this is something that needs to be worked on to prevent from bringing it into the next relationship.
And don’t heap your baggage from your ex onto the new guy. Let him make his own mistakes. 😉
I suspect the divorce experience is different for everyone depending upon the circumstances, but I believe it best to look at it as an opportunity. Oh, and “always” hire your own lawyer. For those of you who believe you are going to have a friendly divorce, I believe the best you can hope for is a civilized divorce. And for you ladies, I leave with the words of Zaza Gabor, who said she was a very good house keeper. Every time she divorced a man, she kept his house 🙂
Zaza — ha!
Thanks for chiming in.
That is all very true, there is life and love after divorce. First we don’t believe it and then it comes and as divorcees we know more what we want, and what we don’t want, which makes is easier.
Thanks. From the eyes of experience.