My Story of Sex-Positivity
Editors note: I’m trying to learn why some women are more sex-positive than others. So I asked my students, if they were interested, to tell me stories of their backgrounds.
So far I have found a few things that distinguish women who experience more sex-negativity and sexual dysfunction. They — and in my youth I would count myself among them — are more likely to:
- Worry that God will punish them for their sexuality
- Have sex-negative parents
- Have sex-negative friends
- If they are slut-shamed by their peers they feel deeply “wrong” and shameful
- They refrain from learning about their sexuality and what works for them
Not every sex-positive woman avoids all of this. Brittany, whose story is told below, did get some mixed messages from her mother — but the overall sense is that her mom is sex-positive, but maybe concerned when her daughter started having sex at the young-ish age of 16. Today Brittany is a straight 25-year-old white woman. Here’s story:
I don’t think God will punish me
When I was growing up our family went to church every Sunday and in junior high I participated in church youth groups. From all of this I learned about God, being a Christian and the do’s and don’ts.
But as I got older I realized that I did not believe in the church teachings I was learning, nor did I agree with the choices you had to make to be a “good” Christian. By the time I was in high school I realized I was not religious which was difficult for my mom, my sister, and other family members (cousin, aunt, grandma). They all had strong religious beliefs. But I stayed true to my truth over theirs.
Mom was mostly sex-positive
My parents never gave me the sex talk. I just remember my mom saying, “If you ever want to talk about sex I am here,” and to tell her when I would need to go on birth control.
I was close to my mom and we talked about everything, I never felt like I could not talk to her. By the time I turned 16 I did indeed ask my mother if I could go on birth control. I had been with my high school boyfriend for over a year and I felt that it was the best thing to do.
My mom was not happy at all and questioned why I needed it and told me that I shouldn’t be having sex. When I told her I would figure it out on my own she acquiesced and took me to the doctor to get contraception the right way.
She still did not like the fact that I was going to be having sex but realized that she would just have to deal with it as I was getting older.
Sex is natural; sex deepens love
I don’t think people should wait until marriage to have sex. I feel the only way you can fully bond and get closer to your partner is through sexual intercourse because that is the only way to connect on a deeper level. You cannot fully love someone unless you know you have that connection through sex.
I’m on the side of romantic love. I personally enjoy sex more when I am in love with someone, when we come together, sharing the excitement of an erotic relationship, and feeling united with each other where the love is strong and unique.
I know that some people will not agree with my opinion. Others’ beliefs and desires will be different from mine because of how they were raised, what they’ve witnessed, and what they’ve learned.
When I hear about cultures that try to deaden a woman’s desire and sexual response by cutting her clitoris, or completely removing it, I feel so sad. Those poor women are not allowed to feel any pleasure, so it’s only the man who gets sexual pleasure while the woman is in pain.
That is a sin.
We are all human and most humans feel sexual desire and the urge to have sex for pleasure, and to reproduce. Sex is natural and good.