My Story of Sex-Positivity

Sex positivity

By Brittany

Editors note: I’m trying to learn why some women are more sex-positive than others. So I asked my students, if they were interested, to tell me stories of their backgrounds. 

So far I have found a few things that distinguish women who experience more sex-negativity and sexual dysfunction. They — and in my youth I would count myself among them — are more likely to:

  • Worry that God will punish them for their sexuality 
  • Have sex-negative parents
  • Have sex-negative friends
  • If they are slut-shamed by their peers they feel deeply “wrong” and shameful
  • They refrain from learning about their sexuality and what works for them

Not every sex-positive woman avoids all of this. Brittany, whose story is told below, did get some mixed messages from her mother — but the overall sense is that her mom is sex-positive, but maybe concerned when her daughter started having sex at the young-ish age of 16. Today Brittany is a straight 25-year-old white woman. Here’s story:

I don’t think God will punish me

When I was growing up our family went to church every Sunday and in junior high I participated in church youth groups. From all of this I learned about God, being a Christian and the do’s and don’ts.

But as I got older I realized that I did not believe in the church teachings I was learning, nor did I agree with the choices you had to make to be a “good” Christian. By the time I was in high school I realized I was not religious which was difficult for my mom, my sister, and other family members (cousin, aunt, grandma). They all had strong religious beliefs. But I stayed true to my truth over theirs.

Mom was mostly sex-positive

My parents never gave me the sex talk. I just remember my mom saying, “If you ever want to talk about sex I am here,” and to tell her when I would need to go on birth control.

I was close to my mom and we talked about everything, I never felt like I could not talk to her. By the time I turned 16 I did indeed ask my mother if I could go on birth control. I had been with my high school boyfriend for over a year and I felt that it was the best thing to do.

My mom was not happy at all and questioned why I needed it and told me that I shouldn’t be having sex. When I told her I would figure it out on my own she acquiesced and took me to the doctor to get contraception the right way.

She still did not like the fact that I was going to be having sex but realized that she would just have to deal with it as I was getting older.

Sex is natural; sex deepens love

I don’t think people should wait until marriage to have sex. I feel the only way you can fully bond and get closer to your partner is through sexual intercourse because that is the only way to connect on a deeper level. You cannot fully love someone unless you know you have that connection through sex.

I’m on the side of romantic love. I personally enjoy sex more when I am in love with someone, when we come together, sharing the excitement of an erotic relationship, and feeling united with each other where the love is strong and unique.

I know that some people will not agree with my opinion. Others’ beliefs and desires will be different from mine because of how they were raised, what they’ve witnessed, and what they’ve learned.

When I hear about cultures that try to deaden a woman’s desire and sexual response by cutting her clitoris, or completely removing it, I feel so sad. Those poor women are not allowed to feel any pleasure, so it’s only the man who gets sexual pleasure while the woman is in pain.

That is a sin.

We are all human and most humans feel sexual desire and the urge to have sex for pleasure, and to reproduce. Sex is natural and good.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on June 12, 2017, in sex and sexuality and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. “She still did not like the fact that I was going to be having sex but realized that she would just have to deal with it as I was getting older.”
    While it seems that your mother initially was okay with you having vaginal intercourse before age 18, then seemed to change her mind about it, I don’t think it’s sex negative to tell a daughter she can’t have vaginal intercourse until age 18. In that situation, the mother is still legally responsible for the daughter, her actions, and any consequences. It would be more along the lines of entitlement for the daughter to expect the mother to be okay with the daughter having vagina intercourse because the mother has a life, too. If the daughter is okay changing their status to legal adult and being fully responsible for their own actions, so the mother isn’t financially obligated to support the daughter or the daughter’s child if she becomes pregnant, then fine, yes, the daughter can do whatever the hell she wants. Otherwise, her actions affect her mother, so no, she can’t just do whatever the hell she wants. That’s not sex negativity. You can be sex positive and tell your daughter they need to wait until they are willing and able to accept the risk and responsibility of pregnancy and parenthood before they have vaginal sex.

    “I feel the only way you can fully bond and get closer to your partner is through sexual intercourse because that is the only way to connect on a deeper level. You cannot fully love someone unless you know you have that connection through sex.”

    Speak for yourself and not the entire population. Have you heard of asexuality? Check it out here: http://www.asexuality.org/
    There are people out there who have no desire for partnered sex ever, and they are fully capable of experiencing love in a romantic relationship. Sex isn’t the only way to connect on a deeper level and it’s also not the only way to love someone. That may your personal experience, however, not everyone is like you. And people who don’t desire sex with others aren’t necessarily sex negative. You can be sex positive and not desire sex.

    • Hey Deft Pink, I agree with you on the mom part.

      On the “I feel the only way you can fully bond and get closer to your partner is through sexual intercourse because that is the only way to connect on a deeper level.”

      She is speaking from her experience, and not for everyone. That’s what I asked for: “your experience.”

      My students are loath to be judgmental about others.

      But I very much appreciate your discussion of the asexual experience. I’m sure asexuals can be sex-positive too.

      But it can go the other way too: In my own experience sex-negativity lead me toward asexuality. And nearly half of American women have low or no sexual desire. That’s not natural. Some percentage of that group may have come by it for biological reasons but that rate is much too high for culture not to be having a repressive influence on many of us.

      As it is, our culture punishes women sexuality (including mine) to such a degree that it’s common for women to lose touch with sexual desire over time. And even when women do have desire for sex it takes much more to get them interested, generally speaking, compared with men.

      We must change the culture to stop punishing girls and women’s sexuality. Women and men will both be better off!

      • “On the “I feel the only way you can fully bond and get closer to your partner is through sexual intercourse because that is the only way to connect on a deeper level.”

        She is speaking from her experience, and not for everyone. That’s what I asked for: “your experience.””

        I disagree. If she were speaking for herself only, then she would speak with “I” statements, and she actually states “the only way *you* can fully bond” and not “the only way *I* can fully bond.”

        “As it is, our culture punishes women sexuality (including mine) to such a degree that it’s common for women to lose touch with sexual desire over time. And even when women do have desire for sex it takes much more to get them interested, generally speaking, compared with men.”

        I agree that sexual orientation is a combination of nature and nurture and that there are issues with sexuality in our society that certain shape us sexually; however, the origin of a sexual orientation doesn’t really matter in the now. We are what we are sexually, and I think it’s harmful to use an origin theory to in some way tell someone their sexuality isn’t okay, or say one sexuality is somehow more valid or better than another. Saying it’s not okay to have no desire for sex with others is essentially the same as saying it’s not okay to desire sex with the same sex. If someone doesn’t desire sex, it’s not harming anyone, just like desiring sex with the same sex isn’t harming anyone, either, as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual.

        Are you trying to say people who don’t desire sex with others aren’t okay in some way?
        Are you trying to say that someone’s sexual orientation may not be valid depending on how it came to be?
        It often comes across that way, however, I don’t want to assume.

      • I assumed she meant the generic “you” but was talking about how she saw things. Based on her experience that’s what makes sense to her.

        But my experience is different and it’s not how I see it. In terms of my own lived experience I actually see things much more the way you do.

        They are both valid.

        But it’s also true that almost half of women have no desire in sex and that that is due to a culture that shames women’s sexuality, which is tied to patriarchy.

        Some people are naturally asexual and that’s fine.

        But something is wrong when we constantly shame women’s sexuality, which leads to all sorts of dysfunctions including pain, lack of orgasm and disinterest in sex. That pattern simply isn’t natural. And it creates a lot of problems when most men are interested in sex but half a women are not. If men and women don’t like the pattern they need to stop shaming women’s sexuality.

        And we also need to dismantle the patriarchy that supports the shaming.

        In a natural environment a certain amount of men and women would both be asexual (Or some variation on the theme) and as we make asexuality a more positive thing it will be easier for them to find one another.

        There’s nothing wrong with asexuality when it comes naturally. There is a problem when it comes from a culture of shame and punishment directed at women.

  2. Sikhwetha mpho

    Interesting post here. The thing that I’ll comment on is the issue of genital mutilation. Most cultures who practice this, have a reason. Their reason is not to punish young women or teenage girls. They are just trying to protect them from engaging in sexual intercourse at a very young age. Thus, reducing their chances of HIV/AIDS as well as STIs and not forgetting unplanned pregnancies. Furthermore, those who partake in such practices are mostly from poor backgrounds or cultures. They are trying to combat poverty. We cannot say that their mere reason is to deny these young women some sexual pleasure. They do know the aftermaths of such practices. We should not forget that in some cultures, sexual intercourse is still used for procreation. It is not all about the pleasure a woman obtains. They suppose that for her, pleasure will come from giving her husband children of her own. I cannot criticize such practices, not all of them know where it begun. They just have to continue it since it’s generational. Howerver, each and every culture has it’s practices which sound insane or strange to the next one.

    • I’m a cultural relativist, but not a complete moral relativist.

      99.9999% of the time no one should judge the practices of other cultures.

      The one exception to that rule?

      Are you harming someone?

      Genital mutilation does harm.

      This is an ancient practice which began before antibiotics. Even now many cultures who practice female genital mutilation lack antibiotics.

      In these places 1/3 of the girls die.

      Antibiotics cause harm too, often causing leaky gut and all sorts of food in tolerances.

      The young girls and women who survive often end up with lifelong pain or crippling.

      HIV-AIDS is more easily transmitted, too.

      Some of these cultures don’t have drugs to combat aids, making the disease deadly.

      But FGM keeps birth rates down?

      Use contraception.

      Many forms of contraception also protect from sexually transmitted infections, including HIV-AIDS.

      If girls lack sexual pleasure they won’t have sex at younger ages?

      Sexual pleasure is only one reason why girls have sex. And it’s not even the most common reason.

      If you look at the primary reason why both girls and boys have sex the first time sexual pleasure is actually low on the list.

      They are much more likely to have sex because they want to show and express love or because they want to cross some threshold to adulthood. Or because they want to prove something to someone. Or they want to prove they are desirable and therefore worthy.

      A book called “Why Women Have Sex” by researchers at the University of Texas, Austin list a number of reasons why women have sex, and pleasure is not most common reason.

      So it FGM won’t work the way you think it would, anyway.

      The real purpose of female genital mutilation?

      If you explore cultures that don’t worry about who daddy is — like the peoples of Oceana or the Americas before European contact — women have a lot of power.

      Interestingly, not knowing who daddy is went a long ways toward creating that power in those tribal societies. (Won’t work that way these days.)

      When you don’t know who daddy is family lineage is traced through mothers, women head clans (since you don’t know for sure who dad is), and property passes through women.

      Women-headed clans and property passes through women?

      Et voila! Now women have a lot of power.

      Patriarchal societies don’t like women having power. So they are careful to make sure you know who daddy is. Because then lineage can pass through the male, men head tribes and families, and property passes through man.

      If you were to be born a woman into a world that mutilated women’s genitals, would you want to be mutilated?

      If we someday figure out how to allow ejaculation without pleasure — to keep the birthrate down — would you choose that for yourself?

      Changing diapers and disciplining children will be pleasure enough.

      Btw, I do believe I just wrote a blog post, so thanks 🙂

  3. I truly agree. I could say that I have been raised sex-positively by my family, and also my family is not religious therefore I never had that sex-negativity from church or religious groups. I lost my virginity when I was really young and I always could have talked with my mom about anything related to sex. However, even if you get a positive attitude about sex from your family and closest friends, society still can affect the way how you think about sex.
    Even if I have been raised in a sex-positive way, and never been slut-shamed from my families perspective, yet the sex-ed has been about the pleasure for men; therefore it is hard for women (like myself) to be fully positive about sexual desire, especially when society comes into consideration.
    I agree with this girl that sex is more pleasurable when we are in a loving relationships, compared to just a hookup. I do believe that it is because of emotions we get from the sexual intercourse, it is not just physical then. However, lately I have started to think that it might be that hookups aren’t that pleasurable also due to the fact what women takes into consideration about herself since we are raised in this society of slut-shaming. How can one be fully concentrated and fully enjoy sex when they have to think about how they might get slut-shamed afterwards? You do not get these thoughts when having a sex with your boyfriend.. Just something to think about….

  4. I personally have had zero sex and I even have never had a relationship because of a combination of gender expectations and the education situation. In China, where I grew up, kids of both genders are generally not allowed to have a relationship before going to university since teachers and parents expect us to focus on study and nothing else. However, typically girls are usually required to be more conservative compared to boys, based on people’s more generous attitudes toward a man having a lot of sex versus a woman. The idea of slut shame makes me feel bad because whenever there might be a drive, I would blame myself, accompanied with a lot of self-doubt and disgust. Patriarchy does still exist in different forms, and I do feel helpless at times.

  5. Oh it’s interesting you’re collecting all these experiences. There are many ways to enjoy sex and I hope we realize what an effect our childhood exposure\comprehension has on us.

    • Yeah, having grown up in a very sex-negative fundamentalist Christian subculture, where I ended up with less sexual interest in my 20s then when I was around 10 years old, got me interested in this topic. I’m hoping to help others who have had a similar experience to mine.

  6. I grew up in a religious Catholic family setting, my mother was a firm believer in following the Bible but I feel the older I got the more lenient she got about her beliefs. For example, I would not exactly say I was the one having the sex but I would have these talks with her about my friends having sex or participating in oral things like that and she wouldn’t be totally against it as I thought she might, but she would bring up the logical repercussions like pregnancy. A few of my friends have children already, so she would use them as examples, how they still live with their family at home and can’t afford a car or haven’t graduated from college. I think the first hint that my mom got that I was sexually active was when she found a condom in its wrapper in my bedroom, and she immediately put me on the pill, she was surprisingly ok with me having sex, as long as I didn’t run the risk of getting pregnant. I’m fortunate to have a mother that I can be comfortable with talking about sex, even though she isn’t very big on that herself, she is very much open and she is aware we live in a different time now.

  7. I feel that I haven’t exactly figured out where I stand for the reasons that I grew up with my parents very cultural and religious and are very sex negative. I grew up being told to wait till marriage and because it’s the only way not to be talked about or sex shamed. I feel that more and more I leaning towards being sex positive because I believe it’s something natural and shouldn’t be something to shame others for. And relating to being religious, I would say that it’s natural because God made a man and then a woman, the only reason the knew right from wrong was from eating the apple from the tree of right and wrong. That’s when they felt ashamed so for me it’s something natural that would eventually happen and we should let happen.

    • It could take a while to overcome the negative effects, which can’t be difficult to fully overcome, but I’m glad you have chosen the path of sex-positivity.

  8. I completely agree that sex should never be taught as a negative because that’s not how people learn. If someone is curious and interested in sex, they are going to find out one way or another and i think its always best to learn from your parents. I think then you can be smart enough to make your own choices. I came from a sex positive,but relationship negative family. My dad didn’t say having casual sex is bad, but he highly discouraged having relationships until you are out of college. When I was younger I rebeled and had two relationships that I had to hide. Those relationships ended up being negative, but I was strong enough to get out and focus on my own life and learned from it. Interestingly enough, my focus growing up was never on sex and only on relationships even though my parents adivsed me opposite. I personally found it easier to make connections and pick the right partners when sex was out of the picture though.

  9. Mariah Poitier

    Hello,

    This was an interesting read for me. Like Britney I grew up in a Christian household and in tern that has influenced the way I think about many things, such as sex, additionally my mother also worked at a non profit pregnancy center where at young age I was exposed to the realities of Teen Pregnancy, STD’s (Curable vs Treatable), Abortion etc. With what I had learned, I made the personal decision to wait until marriage to have sex. In a christian household (at least for the most part) there is an emphasis on purity, but in talking to my christian friends, I recognized that many grew up where sex was a bad thing that was never to be spoken of. I think that was needed in the church honest dialogue about topics like sex, because many of friends are having sex and feel ashamed and fee like they have to lie about being virgin.

    Interestingly enough in my Anthropology class this quarter I just did an essay on against the practice of gentile mutilation using an anthropological approach. In my quick research of it, I understand how in some places where this is practice , it is connected with the ability to show that a girl is going to be a good wife or be able to move up the social structure. I argued that there is no connection between those two things. Also the there are many health risk associated with FGM and it also makes sex unpleasant and painful. Lastly, almost all the nations of the world (193) are apart of the united nations and they have a Universal Declaration of Human Rights that all participating countries agree to, and FGM violates these laws. The belief that everyone deserves to have rights and be protected from those who try to violate them is a universal idea, not just a western one (cultural relativism)

    • I’m glad that you had a more positive experience with sexuality within your religion than many of the rest of us have had. And thank you for your thoughts on FGM. It’s a very harming practice.

  10. Tanya Hanhauser

    Sex was never a positive or negative thing in my household. My father being atheist and my mother not caring about religion at the time caused my household to be one of more experience rather than traditional rules. I was told at a very young age the birds and the bees, as well as being told ” You wouldn’t buy a house without looking at it, you wouldn’t buy a car without driving it, Why marry someone without finding out their sexual preferences” My parent’s had me at 19 and I do believe that had contributed to how they raised me. They were still kids themselves so they understood how kids thought. I chose to abstain from sex for years due to my own insecurities with men but they didn’t stop sex positive talks with my parents frequently. I love how I grew up because it gave me the option to choose when I wanted to have sex, what types of sex I was okay with and what i wasn’t. I was able to really research likes and dislikes and have a more informed decision since sex wasn’t taboo. This is all my experience and my opinions and I ‘m sure others who had more strict upbringings could argue but I firmly believe that sex positivity is a great thing to have growing up and I plan to be honest with my children in the future.

  11. It was hard for me as a teenager, when the parents are all against dating or even boys and then on the other hand, having legit adolescent programs at school, doctors teaching us about safe sex. It was hard and still is, living in this kind of a family/mindset. My parents call me this rebel, in fact, all my family does. But I strongly feel, I am not a kid, 20 years old, still a virgin, but because of my own personal choice and issues with men.
    I remember, my mom slut shaming me for hanging out with my boyfriend at night, a year ago.
    I still am in shock and have tried understanding their point of view, but its just not justifiable.
    The saddest part is that I have actually found the one, my parents won’t even let me meet him, they verbally abuse me if they ever see me on the phone with him.
    And then my parents put all the blame on me, that I’m a bad girl who does “Dirty stuff” with guys. I even tried telling them once that I’m a virgin, but they never believed me. It felt so wrong because they portrayed and looked at me as a girl who sleeps around with guys all the time.
    Now that I’m 20, as each day passes by, it gets harder and harder for me to understand or relate to my mom, feels like she’s living in the nomads time!
    But, she still treats me like a 4 year old, and nothing will ever change about that. I tried changing myself, but then a few years ago I realized, it’s not me, it’s them and their thinking! I have harmed myself so much emotional and physically because of how my parents made me feel and till date they don’t accept that, they feel it’s me whose wrong and has wrong thoughts and ideas; that’s what’s brought me to being a loner.

    Learned my lesson: Hopefully, if ever I get to have kids with the man I love, I would never be against anything they like, it’s their body, their wants and dislikes. I would rather want them to talk to me so that they don’t end up doing anything stupid.
    More than anything, I’d be the happiest only when my kids would be happy, right?

  12. I cannot agree more with Brittany when she says that sex deepens the love and the relationship. You cannot be fully in love if there is no sexual intercourse. Yes, you can be in love without it but to fully be in love is connecting on a deeper level. I enjoyed reading her story because it shows a shift in her beliefs which is similar to mine. Growing I had very religious parents, church every Sunday and completing my baptism and my first communion. As I started to grow up I shifted as I learned more about intimate relationships as I started to be in relationships. Now, I believe that god will not necessarily punish me because of having sex outside of marriage because he knows that I am truly in love. Brittany is lucky to have a mom who is fairly open with sex. My mom unfortunately still is opposed to sex outside of marriage so I could not go to her when I did need birth control or if I had any questions or concerns. But it is great that people like Brittany have at least one parent they can come to.

    • Thanks for sharing about your experience with this.

    • “I read some replies and some argued that sexual intercourse doesn’t deepen love, but I argue that it does. In my perspective when a woman opens up and lets you have what no other man can have there is no greater feeling and that is love. Yes, you shouldn’t love someone because of sex, but you can deepen love because of it.”

      Sure, if you’re someone who desires sex with others, then it makes sense that could deepen love for you; however, if you don’t desire sex with others, then having sex with others wouldn’t deepen love for you. It’s no different than telling a female who desires sex with other females that only sex with a male is the way to experience deep love.

  13. This is a very relevant mind-set for most teens growing up in a religious family or household. From personal experience being a straight asian male, I grew up in a conservative and religious household with my parents being Catholic and always making sure that I grow up learning values of abstinence and my parents being sex-negative. I might have just assumed all this a long time ago because they never talked to me about sex or wanted to bring it up because it was “awkward” and they did not think it was appropriate. I learned about sex and sexuality when I was a pre-teen through my older cousins, movies, and the internet. All of this stuff was taboo to me so I was way more curious about it than the average kid. The culture was a lot different and I wished that I wasn’t sheltered from information that way and I probably would have been more aware. I enjoy being a sex-positive person and getting to know my partner before engaging in any type of sexual acts because just like Brittany it is more pleasurable with an emotional connection involved.

  14. I like Brittany grew up going to church, I went a little with my mother, brother, and step father but they had stopped going so I mostly grew up going to church with my grandparents. Although I went to church I never thought that if I had sex outside of marriage I would be punished. And my mom never had the sex talk with me, she isn’t sex negative but its just never really talked about even now. But I do agree that sex deepens the connection between two people, yes you can love and be in love without having sex but once you do you have a much more personal and deeper connection with that person than you would without. And sex is natural. When people have sex most of the time it is for pleasure, because it feels good and you want to be that intimate with your partner. Sex is how we procreate but not everyone having sex is doing it for the purpose of having offspring, its done to feel pleasure.

  15. I believe that sex strengthens bonds and what breaks the bond is what you do with the information (slut shaming). Most teens feared sex and the negative meaning behind it like girls call other girls sluts or boys being called fuckboys, but in my opinion sex is a bonding connection between two people which I promote. Obviously, the theory goes south if slut shaming is involved, but the emotional connection is what I think should be valued. My parents never gave me the talk nor have they ever given the talk to my sisters. I felt as if they just expected my siblings and myself to learn on our own. The only thing my dad told me was “if you’re gonna do something dumb, be smart about it” it wasn’t the typical sex talk, but I assumed it meant to stay protected. Opinions are opinions, but I read some replies and some argued that sexual intercourse doesn’t deepen love, but I argue that it does. In my perspective when a woman opens up and lets you have what no other man can have there is no greater feeling and that is love. Yes, you shouldn’t love someone because of sex, but you can deepen love because of it.

  16. People are becoming more and more sex positive as time goes on, however there is still an absurd amount of negativity associated with sex and sexuality that we need to overcome. In this post, the main reasons that contribute to sex negativity and sexual dysfunction are:
    “Worry that God will punish them for their sexuality
    Have sex-negative parents
    Have sex-negative friends
    If they are slut-shamed by their peers they feel deeply “wrong” and shameful
    They refrain from learning about their sexuality and what works for them”
    I would agree that these are some of the main problems that contribute to this theory of sex negativity, but I would also add one more. Society as a whole needs to also be more comfortable with openly talking about sex and sexuality (which is heavily related to all the points made above).
    I think parents are definitely one of the first and possibly most major influence on how comfortable a person will be in regards to sex. A child learns so much from their parents and they often emulate many of the parent’s behavior and actions. I believe that parents need to avoid making sex a taboo subject, as it is in many households. Speaking from personal experience, sex was not necessarily a “taboo” subject in my household, but neither me nor my sister were very comfortable discussing things centered around sex with our parents. This is where those first seeds of uneasiness around sex are planted, so they are essential in how the child will develop over the rest of their life. Some of my friends whose parents were very open about all topics (including sex), seem to be the most sex positive people I know.
    I hope that we continue to push towards a more sex positive world, where all things centered around sexuality can be easily discussed without shame or embarrassment. The more people can converse and talk openly and honestly, the more we will understand each other and care for each other more and more.

    • I agree that parents are key to this. They do probably have the biggest influence of all, especially as we move toward sex positivity in the larger culture.

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