What To Do When You Get Distracted From Sex
So says Dr. Louann Brizendine in The Male Brain. (Guys: feel free to chime in to confirm or disconfirm.)
But women often get distracted.
Multitasking during sex
When women have sex they may also be multitasking. They’re having intercourse but they’re often also thinking about the paper that is due the next day or a fight they had with a friend.
When I talk about this in class my women students break out in laughter and nod their heads in recognition.
So I asked my students to write about some of their experiences with distraction, if they would like. Here is what “RoSo” told me:
Before I lost weight I did get really distracted from sex because I would be thinking about how I looked instead of how I felt. I wasn’t getting into the eroticism of the moment because I was getting so distracted. And I didn’t even realize that I did that until you started talking about your research. But when my partner was on top, sometimes I would look down and see love handles and rolls of fat and I would think, “Oh my gosh! That’s not attractive! He couldn’t possibly find that attractive!”
But RoSo also says that thinking she looks sexy can make sex hotter — when she’s got good body image (and 80% of young women don’t).
But after I lost weight sex got a lot better. A lot better! Now I don’t get distracted by worrying about how fat I am. In fact it’s just the opposite. When I can tell that he’s turned on by my body that really turns me on.
Telling him what I want distracts me
She feels better about her body now but RoSo can still get distracted because any sort of talk takes her out of the moment and distracts her from her lust. As she describes it:
When we are having sex I want it to be perfect and I think that’s part of the problem — of why it’s hard for me to lubricate and orgasm. My partner doesn’t know my body, he can’t seem to find the right places. But I don’t want to have to tell him what to do, I want him to just know. I think sex should just happen perfectly. If I have to stop and tell him what to do that’s really distracting for me. It takes me out of the the moment.
So I will offer some advice on all of this.
Have a sex talk
As much as possible couples can discuss what they like before they have sex so that they aren’t distracted in the moment.
But RoSo’s partner doesn’t like to be told what to do. Maybe they should have a conversation about that and explore why he feels that way. A lot of men don’t understand that all women aren’t alike. Their bodies respond in different ways. So men shouldn’t expect to automatically know what works. Even women, themselves, have to figure out what works.
Luckily, there are ways to let your partner know what you like sans verbal direction. Women can increase and decrease their moaning to direct their partners. So her partner can explore her body, guided by her moaning — and they might both discover new and wondrous things!
As an added bonus, moaning also helps distraction-prone women to focus and notice all of the small sensations that can grow bigger with time and attention.
Give him a hand
But sometimes you may need to give him a hand – literally. Gently — or not so gently — guide him to the right places and the right touches.
And remember: women have to learn what turns them on, and men have to learn what their partners like, too.
Posted on July 24, 2017, in sex and sexuality and tagged I get distracted by how I look during sex, Multitasking during sex, Sex should be perfect but it isn't, What to do when you get distracted from sex. Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.