Demanding The Porn Star Experience Can Totally Backfire

porn-star-experience

Hiding from the porn star experience.

Some guys pressure their partners for the porn star experience.

Sure, some women are into PSE. But if you are pressuring her, it can totally backfire. 

That’s because when men ignore their partners’ feelings women’s interest in sexuality can shrink or even vanish. Like Maranda:

Porn is something that from the beginning of my dating life made me feel very ‘unworthy.’ When I found out that my boyfriend who I had lost my virginity to had been watching porn for the entire span of our relationship, I felt as if someone had just stabbed me in the gut. I felt as if I wasn’t good enough for him. This is a feeling that has not left me as I’ve gotten older. Although I’ve had more experiences with sex as I have gotten older, I don’t want to be just a body that you go through the pornographic motions with. No, I don’t want a cum facial at the end, no I don’t want to be called a whore, and yes, I do want you to check with me about these things before you do them.

The porn culture that my generation has been sucked into makes me very hesitant to have sex. I had sex with a guy a few months ago that made me feel like he was taking every inch of frustration of his life out on me while we were having sex and that he had no appreciation or value towards the sex we were having… It felt staged almost. When I told him I didn’t like it his answer to me was, “You just don’t know you like it. Every girl does, you just need to relax and realized right now you’re mine. You’re having sex, that’s what bad girls do.”

EXCUSE ME?! NO! I never asked him why he thought this way. But for me, it was safe to assume that the porn culture we sexually live within is showing guys that this is what all girls like. From what I hear from friends and what I’ve seen myself, the majority of porn has some sort of female undermining qualities to it. The rape culture porn that we see all to often nowadays is making me less and less willing to have sex.

Another woman, “PK,” follows my blog and from time to time writes in to tell me about her experience with asexuality.  Here is one of her comments:

I’m 40 years old and I have been in many sexual relationships in my lifetime.

For the most part, the point of sex was to provide satisfaction to my partners, not me.

Sex was often coerced, with guilt trips, nagging, or the withdrawal of intimacy or even kindness, if I didn’t participate. I have had to endure sex when sick, depressed, recovering from assault, or simply exhausted, in order to satisfy my partner’s needs.

I have had a couple of partners who said they “loved to give,” and fetishized women having orgasms. Those experiences were better. But I still felt I had to “perform.” And I felt guilty if I could not orgasm, since I was disappointing my partner.

Then finally, in my last relationship my partner said he could not get off without very rough sex and humiliating acts for me. He very much perceived this as a reasonable expectation. I suspect it seemed reasonable to him due to the influence of internet porn. (“Everybody’s doing it, why are you so uptight?”) I thought I was being giving and open by indulging him, but I left that relationship feeling slightly traumatized.

I have to say, Dan Savage’s narrative that good partners are “GGG” (good, giving and game) and compromise by doing new things and experimenting was NOT empowering for me! More often than not, it meant I was doing things that I really wasn’t enjoying.

Yet truly, sex doesn’t have to be gross or harrowing for one partner in order to be amazing for the other. And if it feels horrible for her it’s only a matter of time before she loses interest, entirely. After the awful experiences that PK described above, she says,

The net result of my sexual history has left me with NO desire for partnered sex, and indeed, a feeling of revulsion at the thought of allowing anyone access to my body again.

Word to the wise.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on May 22, 2017, in pornography, sex and sexuality and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 51 Comments.

  1. “And if it feels horrible for her it’s only a matter of time before she loses interest, entirely.”

    Yes, but don’t forget the corollary:

    “And if it feels horrible for him it’s only a matter of time before he loses interest, entirely.”

    And the article waiting to be written: “Ignoring The Porn Star Experience Can Totally Backfire”

      • Really? You seem to think men should be scared if women don’t like their sex… without stopping for a microsecond to look at it the other way, what if men don’t like their sex, lose interest and walk away? Doesn’t bother you if they do? Takes two to tango and be happy, or the relationship breaks down.

        BTW, who actually wants the porn experience, men or women? Apparently on Pornhub, women are 105% more likely to search for “rough sex” and “gang bang” than men are. And isn’t it women reading 50 shades of grey? Who are the ones wanting freakish sex if not the females?

        http://fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-see-how-many-people-are-watching-porn-today/

      • Because women’s sexuality is so much more punished in our society it takes more to interest women in sex. In fact, almost half of American women have no interest in sex at all. So an awful lot of women really couldn’t care less if their husbands don’t want sex.

        Those who continue to enjoy sex overtime tend to have good close relationships that are deeply bonding. What as described in this post is the opposite of that. Sure, some women enjoy the porn star experience. And that’s fine if both partners are into it.

        Insisting your partner do something that is painful or uncomfortable will certainly turn them off from sex entirely.

  2. The porn star experience is a very unrealistic thing for some guys to demand from their significant other. I believe that not everybody and not all guys are even in to the porn star experience but i do also think that everyone has, at one point in their life, dabbled in it. I don’t think it is ever right or in any man’s place to demand the porn star experience from someone who is not comfortable doing it because that would count as rape and I don’t think sexual acts should be demanded, but given out of one’s own free will.

    • I appreciate your comment that not all men want or demand the porn star experience. In a small anonymous sample of my male students (I have more surveys to look at still) the vast majority said that they didn’t expect their partners to behave like porn stars. Smart men. If they do their partners are likely to lose interest completely.

  3. Jean Claunde

    There is a growing group of men who are quitting porn. No matter how the porn industry is pushing the idea that watching porn is healthy and normal, it’s not. Actually porn is very detrimental to the brain. Porn is getting more popular with fast internet connection but hopefully there are some people who have realized how harmful porn is. Perhaps you should make post about something positive, that some men are realizing the negative effects of porn and they are quitting. People should be informed that watching porn isn’t as innocent as they try to make it appear.
    There are some great reads about how harmful porn is in yourbrainonporn.com

    • Yes, I sample my students on these sorts of questions and some of my male students have said that they have quit porn entirely because it hurts their sexuality and their relationships, rather than help.

      • I think it;s good for men to be aware of porn and what it could do against them, especially if these are men with addictive personality traits which makes a person more likely to be fixated on something in general. But I don’t think it’s right to vilify men for watching porn. There are tons of men who watch porn, and keep it there. They don’t push it on their gfs or if there’s something they think is sexy, they check with their gf first and if it would be a turn on for her and only go forward if it’s something she would like too or game for. If men turn off porn as in sex, then many will simply either just find some form of visuals where women are sexualized to get off too. I don’t know if that helps entirely because a man will simply look for something to get off too. And the result will be it will be a picture or something erotic that a woman is sexualized in. With women sexualized and men being visual and more likely a pretty high sex drive, especially young guys. And since many guys may either not be in a relationship or if even so may not be with a woman who wants it that much or many guys who are single but going through dry spells.

        Yeah, going to be blunt, but a guy not having sex for a month it can actually be just a few weeks. He’s probably not going to be productive at work and side tracked and head clouded without having a release from all the sexual tension he feels from lust and not getting laid. Ever see the movie 40 days and 40 nights? ha. Most guys will have to get off, and in doing so, it’s easier and quicker with visual medium to sput that. So I don’t know or how that works for guys not having sex or the amount they want or crave. Because otherwise they will have a huge, huge, probably blue ball inducing urge to get off which visuals will be used. If they don’t watch porn, they will probably look at something where women are nude or sexualized in.

      • I can see how the post could come across as vilifying men who watch porn. Didn’t mean to. Just wanted to share these two women’s experiences.

  4. It’s an epidemic with no cure.

    If I had enough money, will sue all the Microsoft, Google and other search engines to promote it.

    That’s the only way to stop it.

    No search engine putting on search engine and no more information. Same what YouTube did the initiative. I commend them over here others platforms. It’s not YT doesn’t have the content. But at least they are far better than open Internet.

    • Fortunately, some men are beginning to see how they are being hurt and changing. Some men seem to do just fine with pornography and relationships, so it depends.

      The key is to see your partner as a human being and not a sex object that exists merely for your pleasure, no matter what her thoughts and feelings are.

      • Well as a man, it depends upon how you are brought up and education.

        If the person background is good, even if he is into this, He can control his lust, otherwise it’s difficult.

        The media plays another role in this

      • Yes, how we are brought up an educated does make a big difference. In gender-equal societies men are less likely to objectify women – see women and only their bodies that exists for their sexual pleasure – and more likely to care about their thoughts and feelings.

        And that all ends up helping him when she stays interested in sex. I would think that most men could find something they would be interested in doing that their partner would also enjoy.

      • I think they should share their pleasure. In that way both get what they want, and slowly close the gap of their desires

  5. No, I don’t want a cum facial at the end, no I don’t want to be called a whore, and yes, I do want you to check with me about these things before you do them.”

    Yeah she has every reason to be upset with that.

    “When I found out that my boyfriend who I had lost my virginity to had been watching porn for the entire span of our relationship, I felt as if someone had just stabbed me in the gut.”

    If this wasn;t from the same guy that she was talking about which I quoted the above part, then I’d be mixed on my feeling. But there is relation with his porn watching and then seeing how he had and wanted sex with her and didn’t care about what she wanted and robotic about it. And another problem would be is if a man is addicted to porn or say seems more interested in porn than having sex with his gf or wife then that is a problem and understandable for the gf or wife to be bothered. However, it seems like girls and women are insecure about porn and some just bothered and upset with the fact their bf or husband may have watched porn or watches at times during their relationship. Fact is, many guys watch porn and have some collection. The problem though is when trying to have the PSE with his woman, guys will just try things without asking first and not think of how she may feel or if it’s degrading to his lady.

    Fact is many guys can have very high sex drives and some couples can have opposite work shifts, etc and there are times where a guy will want to please himself if his gf or wife is not around. Plus the fact of kinks and such that he’s not sure his gf would want, so instead of putting her throught something or cheat, it’s a self enjoyment every now and then. The problem is when like I stated, but a lot of women are insecure about that. I know much less women watch porn than men. But hypothetically, if a gf who I was with, I learned or discovered watched porn. I wouldn’t care, I actually might find it a turn on, because it would mean she’s perhaps more “visual” than many women and has a high sex drive and lusty woman. The problem would be is if she’d rather look at porn instead of sex with me, but if i don’t want sex or not around and she pleases herself to it, that’s fine by me. It’s intersesting,because I feel there’s a difference with men and women with this, but a lot of guys would feel similar to me if their gf or wife, fiancee looked at porn.

    • Thanks for your thoughts. The key is treating people like objects. I know a number of women who have been criticized by their partners because they don’t look like or behave like porn stars. Or being pressured to head that way. You are right that A lot of guys – maybe most Guys will watch porn no matter how their partner feels I guess the couple has to figure out how they’re going to deal with that.

      • Well I think the thing is that many guys who watch porn when in a relationship. There plan wasn’t really for women to know this. It’s private and you can feel it;s none of her business. Like it seems if she knows it’s because the guy tells her or she finds it on his computer ha. The reason a guy could be secretive is not because he feels he’d doing something bad, but because its something he’s doing privately and probably would not feel comfortable of her seeing what he might look at privately. Unless she asks and then might bring it up and only if she’s not judgmental that a guy might show. A guy has a reason for feeling he’s doing something bad if it’s like webcam and he’s actually like communicating to a woman or skype or stuff like that. If it has an effect on his relations as far as what he expects from his woman or treats her or his time with her.

        Then yeah, it would be good for him to come forward and not watch or tone it down, But idk if it’s the gf’s business, because he’s not cheating, though women can be weird about that. Like If was in a relationship say was gone for a few days for work. And my gf liked porn and flicked her jolly bean to some porn when away. I’d be fine with that. That’s a hell of a lot better than her getting self satisfied instead of meeting some dude and banging him while I was away and cheating.

  6. have to say, Dan Savage’s narrative that good partners are “GGG” (good, giving and game) and compromise by doing new things and experimenting was NOT empowering for me! More often than not, it meant I was doing things that I really wasn’t enjoying.”

    She had bad partners, but this part here. It makes me wonder why she never tried bringing up what she wants or I don’t think that motto is bad. It’s only a problem if one sided, but the point of that seems for it to be the woman and man being giving and game to try new things with each other and some compromise. If the woman feels she’s doing all what he wants or it goes that way, then it contradicts the purpose of that it seems. And the previous woman, I forgot to make another comment about that dude that felt she was his and wast taking his stress out on her with sex it seems and the guy the 40 year old woman who felt it was his role to have rough sex with her and humiliate her. They both seem like mysoginist guy’s like using sex or like to hold superiority on his woman, like they might have old views of women and this plays into sex. It’s not because of dominance or rough sex, but there reason for it and how women are to be that says a lot to me.

  7. Katsuto Matsumoto

    This article reminded me a sexual psychology class which I took last quarter. I think that important thing is that men should understand a women’s thoughts of sex. For humans, sex is not only a thing to make children, but also having fun or etc. However, there are a lot of men who misunderstood it because of porn. Nowadays, we can see porn easily on the net, and some people can not recognize that it is not the way to do sex in the real world. I believe it can be solved by high sexual education.

  8. Sounds like perhaps some of these ladies have made some less that ideal choices. I wonder if they have often used the phrase, “You’re a nice guy, but …” And no doubt many guys have made some decisions that they too have come to regret.

  9. denise m mamaril

    Most men are wanting the experience so that they can rev up there sex life or if in a relationship they like to improve their sex life my husband likes me watching with him because it helps him to get his stamina built up. And most of the time men be watching porn to get their jollies. My husband does it to get his stamina going I think its stupid watching all that nasty stuff on shows and porn channels. I like sometimes to compare them with me, or to get more moves on what to use with my husband. Sometimes the fact is many guys can have very high sex drives and some couples can have opposite work shifts, etc and there are times where a guy will want to please himself if his gf or wife is not around. The problem is when like I stated, but a lot of women are insecure about that. I know much less women watch porn than men. But hypothetically, if a gf who I was with, I learned or discovered watched porn.

  10. It’s sad to see that people actually expect an experience like this from their partners. Those are paid professionals and the things they do are often staged and unrealistic. I don’t see why you would expect someone to give you that as a normal standard for sex. People are super self-conscious already during sex and that just adds to the pressure around sex. The backfire behind this expectation is not surprising to me as people are going to be discouraged. I would never expect this of anyone and sex is what you make of it. It shouldn’t be an ideal that you go for or try to achieve, it’s an activity between two people that should be fun and different with no expectations or standards.

  11. Stacey kenner

    There are many problems associated with people who watch too much porn. When people watch porn frequently they become desensitized overtime and gradually need more graphic or different types of porn in the long run. This creates problems when you start thinking about what is normal for a sexual experience especially if you are thinking that you want what you are seeing when you watch porn. Sex is suppose to be something that is a connecting and passionate thing but when you are expecting your sex life to be like a porno you will never reach the expectations that porn portrays. This is just one of the many problems with porn that can effect your life.

  12. Recently, I started talking with one of my friends about erotic literature, and my friend sent me some recommendations. I’ve read some before, but they were mostly written by women, and were written for a female audience, so I was surprised when I read what he’d sent. This erotic literature was written by men for a male audience (a genre I didn’t even know existed), and was nothing more than the written form of PSE. The woman’s dialogue sounded completely staged, like most porn dialogue, and many of the acts were degrading for the woman (or women) involved. Of course, the woman orgasmed every time, even though the male narrator did nothing to help that. She just orgasmed magically on her own, I suppose. Most interesting of all, all of these male authors claimed that these were true stories. To me, it couldn’t be more obvious that the authors stretched the truth (or completely made up the stories); PSE is so unrealistic that it couldn’t possibly be true.

  13. Porn gives negative effect to people. People could get wrong information or fantasy from porn. However, reality is different. A lot of people follow the porn in reality. but, in reality, sex is commuication with partner. and it is also expression of love. People need to be educated about the difference between reality and porn. so, education is important to student.

  14. Brandon Choy

    After reading this article, I was very so reminded of how seemingly consensual most porn seems to be. Whether it be in categories of certain fetishes that can be uncomfortable to some or in simply any representation of pornographic material, the level of consent seems to be for the most part on the same level across the board. Because of this, I found that this concept of implied consent attaches directly to the addiction that lots of men have with pornographic material; this has brought upon this mentality to many male porn enthusiasts from a young age. As seen in the examples and stories in the article, this progression in how accessible pornographic media is has given women the worse end of the stick when learning about their partner’s sexual tendencies and desires. I am almost certain that these scenarios are one step away from rape or sexual assault.

  15. Sex could be a blissful experience when both the partners enjoy equally. Otherwise, most of the times, it becomes a ‘performance’.

  16. On top of all this, it almost seems as if porn is made more commonly for men. In school it was okay for guys to talk about porn with other peers (which happens more often then one would think), but if a girl had mentioned watching it she was looked down upon. It is so normalized and even pushed on men to watch it, making it such a common thing. This then leads to them expecting their sexual experiences to happen the same way. Those people need to realize how unrealistic those situations are! So much pressure is put on girls to live up to those expectations and if those men continue that, girls will never feel 100% comfortable as they should feel.

  17. Almost all the examples of the men wanted reflects issues on their end . Looking for PS experience, or a domination exo is just evidence of personal problems. The guys I still see chasimg their wives around the bed after 25 years of marriage are the ones who commumicated from the get go . They know what each other liked ..No shockimg demands – all mutual decisions.

  18. I can see how the post could come across as vilifying men who watch porn. Didn’t mean to. Just wanted to share these two women’s experiences.”

    Yeah. It seems like some posters were vilifying men who watch porn in general instead of men who watch porn excessively and expect the PSE from their woman. There is a different between the two. Porn watching won’t end or slow for men unless women’s bodies aren’t sexualized and the dating set up is equal where women approach and are as interested in sex as much as men. Until that time, there will be many men and lopsided between men and women as far as desiring sex and how easily and frequently one can get sex. That’s struggle or atleast not easy for most guys and many guys can have dry spells and some lasting for a decent while. And even for guys who get sex frequently, with men’s sex drives being so high. The amount of sex they are getting still won’t keep up with their desire, which is why men will go for that solo satisfaction and why porn is used, for the visual aid to get off or easier. So many men, it’s not that they love porn so much, some might, but they are in a constant state of arousal and need to get off and porn is that visual medium to do it.

  19. The Porn Star Experience doesn’t necessarily mean a terrible time. I believe that as long as you are honest with your partner about sexual interests, more realistic compromise could be achieved. For example, if a man has a fetish for being spanked, his partner might be uncomfortable because it can make them think that the man enjoys being treated like an infant. But by openly discussing why they are interested, his partner learns that it’s because they just get more sexual pleasure with a small amount of pain. Nothing brutal, just a light spanking to cause a contrast feeling to enhance his pleasure. His partner felt less awkward about it and agreed to consider it. This kind of experience creates intimacy as well as builds trust between the couple. They can even indulge in watching porn together to see what kind of inspiration they might need or want. The partner could watch porn of that fetish to see if there was any way of incorporating his spanking fetish in a way that they could both enjoy. Porn isn’t usually for sick fantasy. Most people watch it as a source of inspiration, a way to broaden their sexual interests, or a way to just relieve stress. Instead of demonizing the porn industry and men in general, we should instead criticize the men or women themselves who force their fetish or themselves in way that you wouldn’t want. Not every person–man or woman–who watches porn is a violent offender; not even close.

    • Yep. I agree.

      As I said in the post, some folks are into it. But if you’re not both into it, pressuring just backfires.

      And you make some good suggestions if a couple decides to go forth.

  20. I feel that this brings light to a topic that has become socially acceptable and encouraged for men to do. With the porn industry booming it gives false hope to any non flexible or “uptight” woman to feel good enough in bed. The society we live in also contributes to the way women are sexualized by men with the notion that men are superior and have to feel dominant towards woman. Men are watching this fantasy that they believe can be obtained with a partner which can put more pressure on both parties. The men for thinking womans facial expressions will look great at every angle without any retakes or editing, and woman thinking they have to try and perform like the professionals. I think once women and men come to terms with what is reality and what is fictitious the expectation of what sex is and what it can be will help make the experience enjoyable.

  21. I don’t think a woman should be pressured into any sex act. Not only because that’s not repsectful, but I know I wouldn’t enjoy it if she’s not into it. For me, sex enjoyment isn’t so much what is done or what is done means nothing if she’s not enjoying it or not into it. The biggest enjoyment and turn on to me, is the woman I’m with is turned on and likes doing what she’s doing to me or what I’m doing to her as far as sex position, act or giving or receiving.

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