Do Kids Bully from Low Self-Esteem? Or Because they’re Popular? No and No

As Nadin Khoury walked home from school last January, a “wolf pack” of seven teens, aged 13 to 17, randomly attacked. As Nadin screamed for the boys to stop during his 30 minute nightmare, they kicked and punched him, hung him upside down from a tree, and ended by hanging Nadin from a six foot wrought iron fence.

Phoebe Prince’s horror began by merely dating a popular football player, provoking the wrath of “mean girl” rivals. “Irish slut” and “whore” began appearing on social network sites like Facebook and Twitter. Threatening messages showed up in texts. The mean girls scribbled Phoebe’s face out of photographs on school walls, knocked books from her hands, and threw things at her as other students watched and did nothing.

After months of bullying, Phoebe went home and hanged herself.

Why do kids act so cruelly?

The old view suggested bullying arose from low self-esteem. By establishing dominance over someone, a brute could bridge the gap between the lowly place she sat and the supreme rank she desired.

But recent research finds that kids who bully are higher on the pecking order, leaving Time Magazine running a piece entitled, “Why Kids Bully: Because They’re Popular.”

Or as a Huffington Post commenter put it, “kids bully because they can.”

I question both notions.

Recent research destroys the low self-esteem hypothesis.

But what about this newer idea that kids bully because they are popular? Or that strong social support allows them to?

Is persecuting people fun, in itself, so that people do it just because they can? An awful lot of people get stressed harming others. Even very young children have a basic sense of justice which is based on whether one person is hurting another. Bullying probably serves some other purpose.

Why do some bully? The real answer seems an odd mix of the old and new explanations. The somewhat popular Mean Girl has to bridge a gap between where she sits and where she thinks she belongs. She wants to be seen as more socially dominant than she already is. If she felt secure at the top of the ladder, she wouldn’t need to work to gain her position.

Those at the very top have no gap to bridge. They actually avoid harassing others because they don’t want to signal insecurity and weakness, suggesting they need to prove something.

When people act aggressively to move up the hierarchy, they are doing what sociologists call “the social construction of personal identity.” When others witness our supremacy, it feels more real. It becomes “objective.” No surprise that Nadin Khoury’s tormentors taped the abuse and posted it on YouTube – which led to their arrest. I guess the risk seemed worth it (or they were too stupid to see the eventual outcome) since identities feel more objective when others witness our power.

How do we address the problem? Some suggest focusing on the kids who aren’t involved. Cultivating their empathy so they won’t stand idly by.

Perhaps encouraging more constructive sources of self-esteem would be useful.

Or, drawing attention to the (relative) insecurity of the bully might help, too.

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I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on March 4, 2011, in psychology and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Traci Rodriguez

    This story is all too familiar. My middle school daughter had a friend that had sent a boy some (not very nice) pictures of herself. The pictures ended up all over school and on the internet. She was being called names and harassed by the other boys. She could not handle the embarrassment anymore and she hung herself as well.
    In my opinion I feel that there are many different reasons why bullying happens and it does not have anything to do with popularity. In my experience with my two daughters I feel that low self-esteem is a major factor. The majority of the bullies do it to make themselves feel better. The bullies tend to pick those that are weaker than themselves and by doing this they are able to dominate and able to take power away from others. Another reason would be jealousy. The bully can be jealous because of their victim’s popularity, intelligence, and relationships with their parents. The victim’s show level of self-esteem that is higher than the bully’s and the objective is for the bully to bring them down to their level.

  2. You’ve got great insights about Self Confidence Pitfalls, keep up the good work!

  3. You would think that popular people could afford to be nice to others. Apparently it takes work to get to the top and work to stay there. Popular people should not be mean to others in order to show they are popular. I don’t believe the popular people are even popular. Who wants to get all that attention anyway? I mean we are all people. If they think backstabbing people, spreading rumors, and stepping over people is their way to get to the top then they really need to get their priorities straight. I do believe one who is insecure bullies others because they want to be in control of everyone. Misery likes company so maybe bullying others makes the bully feel better about themselves which I never understood.

  4. I do think kids bully other kids because of low self-esteem, however there are many reasons why kids bully others. I don’t think there would ever be one reason, but I do think a lot of the reasons come from with-in the home of the child that is doing the bulling. Maybe the father is beating the mom, or maybe the father is not around and the child and he/she don’t know how to act, so feeling like he/she must have some type of control that’s what she/he does, (bully).Yes, it could come from a child wanting to fit in, in for whatever the reason is they don’t, so the bully has to take the attention off himself by finding the weakest person to pick on. It’s a sad case because kids are taking their own lives behind the fact that he/she is being bully. I think parents need to pay more attention to their children, that way you can see what type of behavior your child has and if needed seek help for the home. (It starts with-in the home).

  5. Tatiana Dehnad

    I think that when kids bully and pick on other kids it has a lot more to do with deeper problems. Although most kids may be popular and pick on kids who have lower self-esteem and will not fend for themselves; I think it has a lot more to do with the bully having deeper problems. Perhaps their home life is not ideal or by picking on someone else they are trying to distract themselves from other issues that need to be address in their lives. As much as I believe they do it for the attention and to be known as the kid that you shouldn’t mess with, I think that there is a lot of pain behind their reasoning for doing that may be a subconscious thing for the bully. It is unfortunate that for some when it becomes too overwhelming they end their lives. Bullies need to be educated on the impact that they have and I truly believe it starts with their home life. For the kids being bullied on will hopefully find the strength within themselves to stand up and fend for themselves. Perhaps if there is more acceptance by teachers for students coming to them in regards to bullying, students lives can be saved.

  6. I recently did a research paper on kids bulling their peers. Bellow is my research paper.

    Bullies

    One of the hottest topics in today’s News, on the Internet, and read in most Magazines has been about Bullying. Most of us have heard and even seen kids being bullied on school campus or off school campus and on the internet.For many years,we have heard and seen kids complaining about being bullied in school yet at the end of the day,no one did anything about it.This situation has gone too far and because there has not been appropriate action taken it has led teenagers to become socially insecure or severely depression and in the most drastic cases it has even resulted in suicide.

    What is“Bullying”? Bullying is when someone repeatedly teases, torments and humiliates someone verbally, physically or emotionally. Bullying happens to so many people of all ages but most of all, amongst teenagers. School is the most common place for Bullies to choose their victims. Unfortunately these victims that are bullied, school is the last place they feel safe. According to Jennifer Dignan a teacher at University of Prince Edward Island,“Everyday, 160,000 students miss school in the U.S. to avoid being bullied. Victims of bullying may also suffer from depression and anxiety. They can have trouble concentrating in school or sleeping at night.” Why should so many students miss school because they are being bullied?

    Why do bullies take such extreme actions to ruin someone’s life? Is it because they feel superior or better than other kids? Or is it the peer pressure of popularity controlling this behavior? Jill Smolowe a Senior Writer of People Magazine and Moira Bailey the News Administration Director of People Magazine both interviewed Daniel Harrison a high school student who bullied other kids and asked him why he bullied his peers? Daniel says,“It felt cool to not be made fun of and to be the one making the fun.”At no point did he think of himself as a“mean bully”he says.“I thought of myself as a playful bully: I bullied with a smile on my face.” Bully’s need to realize that just because they do it with a smile or to be funny that their actions have a bigger impact on their victims.

    There are many questions we need to ask so that we can understand the cause of this problem. It is important for psychiatrists or other professionals alike to research and find the underlying cause behind those who choose to bully their peers. Perhaps these bullies are trying to hide their own insecurities by putting others down or maybe they are bullying others because they were once bullied themselves. Whatever the cause is behind their actions, it is vital to reach a concrete conclusion in order to begin the healing process. Kids that are being bullied have a high risk of developing mental health problems such as low self-esteem, depression, stress or anxiety. It is devastating for kids to be bullied in front of their friends and other students, which cause them to withdrawal from normal behavior and eventually they will become isolated in their environment. Unfortunately, many of these victims end up committing suicide because they are so humiliated that this seems to be their only way out. It’s upsetting to see teens bullied because of their appearance or social status.Bullies pick on people who they think don’t“fit in” because of their race or religion, or their looks, or due to their sexual preferences.

    “As any American teenager could tell you, bullying isn’t rare. In 2002 the National Center for Educational Statistics, said nearly 1 in 3 students between the ages of 12 and 18 reported being bullied in school. Eight years earlier, only 14 percent of that population said they had experienced bullying”says Michael Ollove, a Senior Editor of Health Affairs.In month of September, nine teenagers committed suicide as a result of bullying because they were either gay or the bullies assumed they were gay.”If nine died in one month from a mysterious disease, there would marches to the White House demanding something be done”

    o Billy Lucas, 15 on September 09, 2010 (committed suicide because he
    didn’t “fit in”)
    o Cody J. Barker of Shiocton on September 13, 2010
    o Seth Walsh, 13 on September 19, 2010.
    o Tyler Clementi, 18 on September 22, 2010 (committed suicide after his
    roommate secretly videotaped him engaging in homosexual acts then
    posted it on YouTube.)
    o Asher Brown, 13 on September 23, 2010
    o Harrison Chase Brown,15 on September 25, 2010
    o Raymond Chase, 19 on September 29, 2010
    o Felix Sacco, 17 on September 29, 2010
    o Caleb Nolt, 14 on September 30, 2010

    says, David Badash is a writer and civil rights activist who covers politics in general and gay rights in particular and he is the founder of the Civil Rights Movement.These are only a few of the reported cases, however there is many more that are un-reported.

    For parents it is unimaginable to have your child take their life because a fellow student was bullying them. We raise our children with the hopes and dreams of a life filled with love and happiness and to always treat others with respect and kindness. It is beyond our comprehension to think of such a selfish act as Bullying can end up destroying the inner soul of a young teen which will eventually lead to some form of self destruction. Their families will forever be affected and may never truly understand the reason of“Bullying”or what their child had suffered due to the immaturity and ignorance of other students. Holidays, birthdays or other special occasions will always have a missing seat and it will serve as a reminder of their tragedy. My heart goes out to the parents who have lost a child as a result of bullying.

    Let’s put an end to Bullying and escalate this issue in every state and pass the anti-bullying laws across the nation. “Forty -five states now have anti-bullying laws; in Massachusetts, which has one of the strictest anti-bullying programs are mandated in schools, and criminal punishment is outlined in the text for even the youngest offenders” says, Jessica Bennett, a Senior Writer of youth culture and gender. Also John Cloud, Staff Writer for Time Magazine says,

    “the U.S. Department of Education opened its Office of Safe and Drug-Free
    Schools in 2002, and just last month Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
    hosted a Bullying Prevention Summit in Washington, where he noted that,
    even in this economic climate, President Obama had asked for a 12%
    increase in funding for anti-bullying programs.”

    Schools also can begin incorporating steps in helping their students during these difficult times and continue implementing disciplinary actions to stop the bullies. According to Richard E Vatz and lee S.Weinberg who are Associate Psychology Editors of USA Today and respectively, professor of rhetoric and communication at Towson (Md.) say, “to stop bullying, schools should: have a no-tolerance policy for bullying (assault, battery, or harassment); develop and distribute their policy to students and parents.”Schools need to begin paying attention to students who complain about being bullied by their peers. It’s not only the schools and teachers responsibilities to make sure this doesn’t continue, it is also the parent’s responsibility. When kids tell their parents they are being bullied, parents need to take them seriously and listen to their children. Most importantly, talk to them about what’s happening and suggest ways they can handle the situation as it occurs. Such as, ignoring them and privately telling a teacher, the school counselor or a trusted adult. Even if kids don’t tell their parents about what’s happening, parents should be able to tell when something is wrong with their child and when they are acting much differently than they normally would. Some of the most common signs of indifferent behavior include isolating themselves, loss of interest in social involvement, making excuses to stay home from school or noticing an extreme drop in their grades which all can result in the beginning stages of depression.

    Bullying takes place every day. It is best that both schools and parents watch for warning signs and begin paying closer attention in order to take proper actions. Unfortunately, teenage bullying can’t always be stopped. Nevertheless, both parents and school administrators can become more aware of the warning signs that teens show when they may be contemplating suicide. In addition to the current suicides that have been reported, the government is implementing bullying as a very serious crime in forty-eight states. It is imperative that we get this message across to the entire nation that Bulling with not be tolerated and will result in severe criminal punishment regardless of age. To all you Bullies, I will leave you with one question to ask yourself,”If you have kids of your own some day, how would you feel if your child committed suicide because he or she just didn’t “Fit In”?

    Remembering Those Who Committed Suicide Do to Bullying:

    Tom Trosvik, Feb. 8, 2006
    Megan Meier (13), Oct.2006
    Desire Dreyer (17) Jan. 18, 2006
    Eric Mohat (17) March 29, 2007
    Taylor Doherty (14) Mar 08, 2007
    Carson Starkey (18), Dec.2008
    Jesse Logan (18) July 2008
    Megan Gillan (15), Feb. 3, 2009
    Daniel Mendez (16), May 1, 2009
    Simone Grice (15), July 15, 2009
    Hunter Layland (15) Sept. 30, 2009
    Jaheem Herrera (11) April 16, 2009
    Carl Hoover (11) April 06, 2009
    Tyler Long (17) Oct.17, 2009 Chanelle Rae (14) July 17, 2009
    Michael Miller (16) Aug. 26, 2009
    Jai Morcom (15) Aug. 30, 2009
    Phoebe Prince (15) Jan. 14, 2010
    Jon Carmichael (13) March 28, 2010
    Alexis Pilkingto (17) March 21, 2010
    Justin Aaberg (15) July 9, 2010
    Billy Lucas (15) Sept. 9, 2010
    Cody J. Barker (17) Sept. 13, 2010.
    Seth Walsh (13) Sept. 19,2010
    Tyler Clementi (18) Sept. 22, 2010
    Asher Brown (13) Sept. 23, 2010
    Harrison Brown (15) Sept., 25 2010
    Raymond Chase (19) Sept. 29, 2010
    Felix Sacco (17) Sept. 29, 2010
    Caleb Nolt (14) Sept. 30, 2010

    And so many others.

    Work Cited
    Badash, David. “September’s Anti-Gay Bullying Suicides – There Were A
    Lot More Then 5” Newsweek 143 . 08 Oct. 2010: 8 . Academic Search
    Premier. EBSCO. Web. 25 Oct. 2010.
    Bennett, Jessica. “From Lockers to Lockup.” Newsweek 156.15 11 Oct. 2010:
    38-41. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 24 Oct. 2010.
    Cloud, John. “Bullied To Death?” Time 176.16 18 Oct. 2010: 60-63. Academic
    Search Premier EBSCO. Web. 27 Oct. 2010.
    Dignan, Jennifer. “Stomp Out Bullying!.” Scholastic Scope 58.11 08 Feb.
    2010: 14-15. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 02 Nov. 2010.
    Ollove, Michael. “Bullying and Teen Suicide: How Do We Adjust School
    Climate?” Christian Science Monitor 28 Apr. 2010: N.PAG. Newspaper
    Source. EBSCO. Web. 4 Nov. 2010.
    Smolowe, Jill, and Moira Bailey. “Confessions Of A Bully.” People 74.14 18
    Oct. 2010: 70-71.Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 27 Nov. 2010.
    Vatz, Richard E., and Lee S. Weinberg. “Bulling By Any Other Name….” USA
    Today Magazine 139.2784 Sept. 2010: 54-56. Academic Search Premier.
    EBSCO. 21 Oct. 2010.

  7. I believe kids bully because they know they can get away with picking on kids that won’t speak out. I remember when I was in middle school, and saw how some boys picked on of my classmates. It was during P.E., and this particular boy was very shy, and too good at sports. We were playing volleyball and when the ball came to him instead of trying to hit it he ducked. The boys teased and threw balls at him; my teacher did nothing about it. It was like he wanted the boy to be punished also. When in high school this same boy was also teased constantly for then being over weight and wearing glasses. It makes me sad to go back and reminisce on this because I know if maybe someone had something this poor kid would have not suffered as much in school.

    • You really think there’s no other reason for bullying than that they can get away with it? Getting away with it is the big draw? At the very least, “getting away with it” would be intriguing because of something that told them about themselves: “I’m so clever,” or whatever. Don’t you think there must be more?

  8. I feel that this occurs because bullying someone gives them a sense of power, making them feel popular by being superior. The bullier probably has low self-esteem or parent negligence and feels like they are under a spot light when they attack someone like this. Having a parent neglect you, you look for attention in other ways. This unfortunately, may be the result. I don’t understand how no one saw this happening and tried to stop it.

  9. Wai In Vivian Lei

    The reason kids would bully their peers is because they want to show their “power” and to prove their higher social status. They want others to know they are in control of their social environment. These immature kids think that having the power to control and harass people would make themselves look more powerful and gain themselves more friends. Popularity is very important to kids in school because the school environment is simple. It is only consisted with academic learning and social interactions among the students. Unlike the grown up society where money would be taken in consideration of one’s social status. I guess bullying is also a way the kids let their own pressure and anger out. In order to eliminate bullying, understanding their problems and teaching them to release their pressure might help them to cultivate their empathy. In the case of Phoebe Price’s suicide, it tells us we should teach the kids to seek help and counseling immediately if they were bullied. This tragedy should have been prevented if her friends or parents realize the severity of her problems.

  10. I agree that kids bully others due to peer pressure and trying to stay at the highest social level. Teenagers are especially at an age where they are discovering their identity and because they care a lot about what their peers think they will do whatever it takes to seem “normal” and to be like everyone else. Those who bully are showing superiority and control towards what others think of them. Possibly these children have something to hide about themselves and the only way to keep it a secret is to look normal and to bully anyone who thinks differently about them. In the situation of Nadin Khoury where he was attacked by a group, I think the ability to judge what’s right or wrong individually is ignored because I think their mentality was that if everyone is doing it then it’s ok. It doesn’t show any of these kids judging the situation on their own. It’s sad to see how children are conforming with what others do instead of using their own brains and doing what they think is right.

  11. Sara Moussavian

    In my opinion, people who bully others usually have some hardships going on elsewhere in their life and are looking for someone to let out their anger on. Secondly, I believe that when those who bully view a children’s program that displays bullying (ex: Binky and his friends on Arthur) those who bully copy from that image. I agree with Cheuk Wing when she states that those who bully are looking for “fame”,often times when I have observed bullying, scores of people gather around to observe the bullying, however when they are rooting, most of the time they are rooting for person who is bullying the other person, instead of the other way around.

  12. Cheuk Wing Szeto

    I agree that kids bully because of the old and new explanations, low-esteem and fame. Those kids who have low-esteem always need some proof for their identity, so they need some fame, no matter in a good or bad way, to show themselves they are still living. Although bullying others may just let them be infamous, this is still a kind of “fame.” It’s enough for them. If they can’t bully others one day, they may feel lost. We can see in so many cases that, the one who bully others is always the one who is the most fragile, no matter boys or girls. Consequently, I think low-esteem and the fame they get from bullying are the main reason for kids bully.

  13. Kids bullying indeed occurs wherever there’re kids, such as elementary schools. This phenomenon even becomes worse in high-school ages and college years. In my opinion, I think that the reason that causing bullying is peer pressure. Since the bullying gang usually comes up with a group of cruel people, the person who being bullied often doesn’t have the courage or bravery to point out the reality to teachers. In fact, I did experience kids bullying during my highschool ages. At that time, I got a classmate who was kind of an introverted person and did not have any strengths in either academic or athletic areas, therefore he always bullied by a group of people. The reason of this is simply because that particular group of people want to gain their values and get satisfaction from bullying the boy, and this indeed is the real reason why bullying happens.

    • I agree that often bullying occurs due to peer pressure. Some kids bully to bridge a gap between the lesser popularity they are currently experiencing and the top-of-the-pack popularity they want. As they bully, they feel themselves superior, and the experience others seeing them as superior, all of which creates a sense of superiority.

      Others bully out of peer pressure. Often they worry that if they don’t join in, they’ll become a victim, themselves.

      The victims often don’t tell because if they do, the bullying can become worse. The tattletale.

  14. I believe that there can’t be one or two left alone three explanations for bullying. I believe there are many things that can affect a child and cause these harsh behaviors. All the theories up there can be true. It seems to depend on where the child’s background comes from. Children who are abused at home could bring these traits to school and take their anger out on other kids. It could be similar to animal abuse. These kids could then start a cycle and bully other kids. While kids are bullied for their self esteem they can do it to others to make themselves feel better, and of course bullying could result from popularity. There could be a source of peer pressure as well as a sense of belonging. I STRONGLY believe that it starts in the home of the child. If a child is taught well has the influences of religion, family, and education that they will find bullying morally wrong. I believe that bullying can be prevented by having a influence in a child’s life while they’re growing up and learning whats right from wrong. If every parent took the time and raised their household right I think bullying can be cut down drastically.

    • concerned mother

      Our daughter (6 years old) is starting to demonstrate bullying behavior at school. We recognize it as part of her personality, and we have been trying to teach her how to use her words (nicely) and how to treat others like you would want to be treated. However, the behavior continues from time to time. I have noticed that she has very strong emotions and she picks up on the emotions of others. Lately, though, she does it as part of a group, where all the kids are bullying (excluding or picking on) another student. It’s not a constant behavior, but I find it worrisome and we are considering taking her to a counselor. Again, personality versus home life here. Our son does not bully and is very sweet and helpful with others.

      • Sounds like this is more bio-based bullying that bullying from personal identity issues. (Who knows, there may be a mix? Important to her to feel superior to others?) I wish you luck in helping your daughter to overcome this.

  15. Darlene Pizzitolo student

    Hi
    I think kids bully other kids because they want to feel powerful and have a higher social level at school, so they will pick on kids that seem weak an have low self esteem When other kids see the bully pick on one of the kids he or she thinks is weak, then he or she will be popular with ohter kids at school. So I think bullys have high self esteem and the kids that are pick on have low self esteem.

  16. I believe there are two extreme reasons as to why kids bully; it is either they come from a violent family or they have low self-esteem and they need to bully people to gain power and feel self-confident. To kids, being popular in school is a cool thing. However, I am talking about being popular for doing some bad stuff and bullying is certainly one of them. It is normal that kids would think being a straight A student in class is ”uncool” because peers might laugh at them while being punished by teachers after bullying is fun and exciting because peers will have respect for them. I used to live with a host family where their 10 year old son liked to bully his classmates. He told me in school, being a nerd is a loser and that bullying gains you respect.

  17. Steven Ruocco (Women's Studies, Monday/Wed 1:30-3:30)

    Kids who are at the top of the “social ladder” feel no need to bully other kids because they know they are already at the top. If they feel challenged, then I do believe they will “step up” and defend their known position. But someone who is not at the top might have to bully in order to climb this unjust ladder.
    In my experiences in grade school, kids who had a low self esteem were not the bullys, in fact, it was the kids at the top of this ladder who took it upon themselves to pick on these low self esteem kids because they were seen as “easy prey”.

  18. Emma Betancourt

    I’m pretty sure the kids that taped it were just too stupid to think of the outcome. All they probably thought about was “how cool” it was to do that. With all these movies and media about popular kids getting what they want and doing what they want, to me it’s no surprise on why other kids do it. It shouldn’t be done, but they do do it 😦

    • Ok. But look at the personal identities they’re trying to create by doing this. And consider how positive identities might be created by more positive means.

  19. I believe that kids bully because they are popular, they want to be recognized whether it’s a for negative or positive remark. Giving out a negative remark like bullying, makes other students be aware of the person¸ making that “bully” in the spot light which they admire. Someone’s bullying can occur as a way of self-esteem because you never know what is happening in the persons personal life, and to take out the anger or frustration, s/he can pull it out through someone that is insecure and can’t fight back. For example: if a husband is having trouble with work or paying off bills and keeping that anger inside, its going to build up and make the situation worse, versus if he yells at his wife and saying everything negative or whatever problems he is going through, the burden will come out and won’t have that same feeling anymore because women are “supposed” to be looken down towards their husbands for respect but can’t fight for themselves, but it is not always the case

    • Ok. Excpet that the MOST popular kids don’t bully. They don’t need to create a sense of superiority over others because they already are socially superior. Bullying seems to be more about trying to create a sense of social superiority than done BECAUSE they’re popular.

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