It Ain’t Sex Unless You Ooooo

7099066.cmsBy Erica Dalton

When it comes to virginity, Jessica Valenti says, “It isn’t sex unless you’ve had an orgasm.”

How different things would be if virginity were explained to young girls that way. Sex is so much more than the old in-and-out.

I can relate all too well. And I cannot help but reassess the image of virginity that I had created long before I knew that I was creating it. An image that I had been mindlessly guided to by my culture.

To this day a lot of us are taught to wait for that one man or woman who will rock our world. But once you get that not everybody experiences sex the same way, you lose grasp of the image that has been pushed down our throats.

If you believe that staying a virgin until marriage will make your first sexual encounter better, followed by a happier and healthier marriage, you may be disappointed. Virginity is not proven to make marriage any simpler or happier. And your marriage could end up worse. I know unhappy couples who are not sexually well-matched. But this problem of ignorance is kept from youth, who are encouraged to stay abstinent to obtain that ultimate magical moment.

It all keeps people uneducated about their bodies and their sexuality. And that does NOT make for better sex.

Until I saw Valenti’s definition, I had not thought that losing virginity meant anything more than a dull night that carries much more expectation than it delivers. But now that I see virginity differently I understand a little more of who I am.

Losing virginity is so much more than that moment of penetration.

This piece was written by one of my students who gave permission to post it.

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About BroadBlogs

I have a Ph.D. from UCLA in sociology (emphasis: gender, social psych). I currently teach sociology and women's studies at Foothill College in Los Altos Hills, CA. I have also lectured at San Jose State. And I have blogged for Feminispire, Ms. Magazine, The Good Men Project and Daily Kos. Also been picked up by The Alternet.

Posted on March 18, 2013, in feminism, psychology, relationships, sex and sexuality, sexism, women and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. I agree I think we should have sensitivity courses for our young people to allow them to see the gift it is to truly be with another human being; for that matter adults could take the course; with the idea that it’s not lovemaking if the woman does not orgasm; that should always be the man’s endpoint, not his own because when a man climaxes it is over; but with women it has only begun; that’s where kuma sutras can assist.

  2. Praise for the student and the teacher. Good post.

  3. overcoming depression

    Nice post. “Losing virginity is so much more than that moment of penetration”.

  4. Great point about virginity meaning more than the conventional definition.

  5. Not all women (or men) feel as strongly about the need to have an orgasm. If sex, whether it’s penetrative sex or some other kind, is pleasurable to both partners, then it seems that’s a pretty good goal in and of itself.

    I’m all in favor of more orgasms for everyone, if that’s what they want, of course! But orgasms can be attained in different ways – even if the man has his first, he can get the woman off in ways other than with intercourse. It seems a myth that the only way for either party to enjoy the sex is a) for it to be intercourse, b) for both parties to orgasm via intercourse, and there are so many other variations that are possible and awesome.

    • I agree, but that’s how Jessica Valenti worded it, and my student got something helpful out of it.

      I think of it more in terms of pleasurable sex than orgasim. Partly because I feel like pressure to have an orgasm can keep someone from having one. So I read it more in terms of the spirit than the literal meaning of the words.

  6. I appear to view things a little differently to some of the commenters here – I am glad to have gotten my virginity out of the way. I was lucky in that my boyfriend at the time was patient (I thought I was ready two times before he actually penetrated me and made him stop), but that didn’t change the fact my first time was awkward and a little painful.
    Just meant I could actually get on with my life knowing sex wasn’t actually as big a deal as girls are made to think it is.

  7. excellent work!

  8. Good post. However, i believe that sex is more then just orgasms, it is to discover more about one self and how to be intimate with others. Although, sex should end up with both partners enjoying it, and hopefully have orgasms, but sex altogether have gotten a misconcieved idea. Pornography, media and other mediums have perpetraded sex to be something it’s not. I believe sex should not be such a taboo for young people growing up, and if institutions like the ones are mentioned before still perpetrates a false image, school programs that openly discuss and share right information should get established, so we can get a more clear sense of what its all about, but also not to feel so presured into it.

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